Managing a Happy, Healthy Home By: Saadia Z. Yunus, MA, MFT

Practical Implementation: How to Race to Jannah

Happy and Healthy

Happiness: How do you define it? Active state Ever-changing, ups and downs You create your own happiness Gratitude

Healthy: How do you define it? Physical, emotional, spiritual, relational Forward movement, ever-changing

Areas of Improvement

IndividualCoupleFamilySociety

The Individual-Submission

Believers! Fear Allah as He should be feared, and see that you do not die save in the state of

submission to Allah. (Quran 3:102)

Who am I?

The role of a Muslim woman Muslim daee, daughter, wife ,

mother , daughter in law , mother in law

Administrator , finance manager , counselor , a teacher, etc.

We get so caught up in these roles that we lose our purpose

Purpose: Please Allah (swt)

Who am I? Identity: I am me! Despite all of the roles that we play, what

is the essence of who we are? Journey of self-discovery Self-help books

Authors: Dr. Brene Brown, Gary Zukav, Dr. Kristin Neff

Counselor/therapist: www.therapistlocator.net

The Couple-Partners

O men! Fear your Lord Who created you from a single being and out of it created its mate; and out of the two spread many men and women. Fear Allah in Whose name you plead for rights, and heed the ties of kinship. Surely, Allah is ever watchful over you. (Quran 4:1)

Invest in Your MarriageDr. John Gottman

Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years).

Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

Soften your "start up. Bring up problems gently and without blame.

Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife.

Have high standards. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful repair attempts : changing the topic to something unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (yield to win); offering signs of appreciation ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.

Focus on the bright side.  Make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and your relationship as negative ones. A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.

The Children-Their Importance

The year 622… Two men weary from a long and tiresome journey, Muhammad (pbuh) and Abu Bakr, finally reach days later the Muslims from Medina who have come to meet them.

Among those coming to meet them from Medina were boys and girls dressed in their best clothing, enthusiastically playing the tambourines in their hands and singing a song of joy, “Talaal Badru Alaina.”

At just that moment the Prophet went to the side of the children to show openly that he gave them value and importance and to inform people of this. He asked the children:

“Do you love me?” The children responded in unison: “Yes, we love you very much, O Messenger!” Then, giving them

glad tidings, the Prophet said, “I swear I love you too.”

Teaching Our Children

How to do Tarbiyah of our kids {establish Taqwa of Allah in their Hearts}

1. LOVE not FEAR (fear of Allah through love)

2. Acceptance and not rejection 3. Understanding and not judgment Before we focus on teaching them

the actions (praying, fasting, wudhu, etc.) our focus must be on teaching the PRESENCE of Allah (SWT)

Be an example that they want to emulate

Steer clear from criticism Positive reinforcement is key Anas ibn Malik said, "The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu

'alayhi wa sallam, had the best disposition among people. One day he sent me on an errand and I said, 'By Allah, I will not go,' but it was in my mind that I would do as the Messenger of Allah had ordered me. I went until I came upon children playing in the street. Then the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam, arrived and he caught me by the back of my neck from behind. As I looked at him, I found him smiling, and he said, 'Unays (Anas' nickname), did you go where I asked you to go?' I said, 'O Messenger of Allah, yes, I am going.'"

Anas said further, "I served him for nine years, but I do not know that he ever said to me about anything I did, why I did that, or about anything I had neglected, why I had not done that." [Muslim] 

SCALE with your children

S – Support: This means giving your children physical and emotional support.

C – Caring: These are things you do every day to show affection, like making nutritious meals and helping them get the sleep they need.

A – Acceptance: This means showing them unconditional love.

L – Love: This includes all the ways you display physical and emotional attachment as the parent of your children.

E – Encouragement: Giving your children hope, courage and confidence.

Methods to Teaching

21 Teaching Methods of the Prophet (S) –Muhammad Al Shareef (4 CD series)

The more we talk, the less they listen

Teaching through stories and examples

No yelling or hitting, stay calm—more effective

Asking questions, even after a question

Getting the child to reflect, “What can YOU do?”

Explain why they should listen “because your house in Paradise is waiting”

Practical Teachings

Salah, Sadaqah, Sawm, etc. Love and Fear Salah charts, rewards system, apps Sadaqah box, goal chart

Manners Example of the Prophet (S), companions Be an example yourself Books, stories, songs

Teaching kids different Duas Morning/evening ones: repeat them together at the

proper times Make it a daily habit Apps

Practical Modest Dressing

Teach it with love! Make it a blessing and not a burden

Be an example: show your love for it Teach the beauty of uniqueness: being the one and

only you more focus should be on the inner self Prophet (S): “Glad tidings to the strangers” Make it a fashion statement: buy pretty pins, colorful

hijabs, etc. Give them new role models: Aishah (R), Khadijah (R),

etc.

Top 5 Strategies for Encouraging Kids Good Behavior

Positive attention for good behavior is essential to limiting bad behavior.  

Make a list of the many good behaviors your child exhibits.

Rank from most to least how frequently each of those good behaviors is seen.  Behaviors seen less frequently will require more attention than the ones seen more frequently.

Use a 5:1 ratio for delivery of your attention: for every bad behavior that gets your negative attention, find at least five good behaviors and give your positive attention to them.  

Verbal attention in the form of praise or acknowledgment is beneficial, but for young children particularly, physical affection is best.

Catch them being good and let them know they got caught

Top 5 Strategies for Parents on Managing Kid’s Technology Use

Let technology bring your family closer to each other, not make the family its servant and keep you apart.

Remind kids that use of technology is a privilege, not a right. 

Set a family media policy—decide who can use which forms of technology, when and where it’s acceptable, and how you will monitor usage.  

Establish consequences, both positive and negative, for appropriate technology usage.  

Establish “technology-free” zones and times in your home when you all “unplug” and concentrate on communicating with each other and enjoying each other’s company.

Help your children achieve balance in their lives by encouraging them to stay physically active, enjoy reading, and learn to relax and have fun without electronics.

A Happy Healthy Home

Starts with YOU! Make a list of the things you’d like to improve on and

begin making changes Action starts with knowledge: learn about how to

improve on those areas- research online, ask others, seek counseling

Rule of thumb: if something isn’t working, try something else!

Focus your niyyah, try your best, make du’a and leave the rest up to Allah (SWT)—HE is in charge. Not You!

Know that you cannot change anyone but yourself, so work on yourself and the way you relate to others and you will see the positive change immediately.

Give to get, but don’t forget to give to yourself, too!

References and Dua

Holy Quran Parenting.org Dr. John Gottman (Gottman Institute) Seekersguidance.org www.therapistlocator.net

www.facebook.com/TheMuslimMFT TheMuslimMFT@gmail.com www.slideshare.net/ishqilahi www.slideshare.net/dryunus

May Allah SWT make our homes a place of sakeenah (contentment) and give us and our families the true

contentment of Jannah. Aameen!