in a heart and a mind

8/21/2019 In a Heart and a Mind

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When she was a kid, her mother would tell her stories of how every star in the sky was a

child reborn. And she’d gaze up to see the stars, those little pinpricks poking through the hazy

canvas of the sky, and smile to herself. When they were traveling, and they were always

traveling, those far away lights were her beacons of hope. Even when it was too dark to see them

they told her everything was alright.There were no stars tonight. t was likely too dark to be attempting to travel, but they had

little other choice. !nuora couldn’t see the mountains and the scattering of snow that topped

them, but she knew they were there. With them they brought fear of fingers stiff with cold and

fires that wouldn’t light. And, so, they walked.

!nuora’s horse, "ody, tossed its head and snorted, shaking itself. #he reached her hand

up to patiently pet his ears. They flicked back and forth. There was an answering noise of her

brother’s horse, which shook itself with a noisy rattle of its harness. Tied to !nuora’s horse was a

rope that connected her horse to her brother’s and her parents’ horses. They lay asleep in their

saddles, silently slumped wrapped in blankets and hand sewn clothing.

#he leaned up against "ody, pulling the blanket she had wrapped around her tighter. t’s

not like she could sleep, not that she even really wanted to. The sort of $ittery weariness that

comes from too much travel was unshakable, and distantly familiar. %y the end, it bit at your

bones and wore at your mind. When was a bit lighter out, she saw a glimpse of trees in the

distance. t would be a couple more hours, she was sure of it, $ust a little longer.

There was a bang. !nuora’s blanket almost fell to the dirt below her when she $erked up.

#he grabbed it &uickly, holding it tightly in her fist. The horses made some noise' a general

clatter that filled the air in the hesitant pause. #training her ears for sound, she heard nothing

unusual, until she saw it. There was a low glow in the distance. #he watched it warily, and for the

moment it remained a calm orange glow on the horizon. #he was about to turn to her parents and

wake them but the glow flared up, stopping her. When she looked it erupted into a swell of


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flames that licked the sky. #moke filled the sky above the trees &uickly. (anic filled !nuora’s

ears. #he fumbled for "ody’s reigns, her bag nearly dropping in the process. The train of horses

unsteadily stumbled to a halt.

#he wasn’t sure what to do. They were out in the open, if there was something aggressive

hidden in the flames that enveloped the trees they would have no place to hide. )et, they were

still decently far away' it would take awhile for anything to get near them. #he didn’t want to

walk into something dangerous either, and it would only be so long before they reached the trees.

With a decisive motion, she $umped off her horse. *er brother seemed to be waking up,

mumbling and shifting in his saddle.

+arc,- !nuora said, but she got no response, +arcus- *is horse shook herself again,

and she reached her head back to sniff arcus. #he nuzzled his knee, and arcus sleepily

swatted her away.

+Avri, stop it,- he hazily scolded his horse. !nuora rolled her eyes, and shook his

shoulder. *e blearily looked up at her. +What/-

+0o wake up om and 1ad. We’re stopping,- !nuora said curtly. arcus obediently slid

off his horse. *e stopped to pet Avri. eanwhile, !nuora busily set herself to taking off "ody’s

saddle and untying the ropes so the horses could bed down.

+Why’re we stopping so early/ The horses could go for a little bit longer, think2-

arcus was still petting Avri. *e looked terribly young with the blanket draped over his

shoulders like it was. *e hadn’t seen the fire yet. !nuora bit her lip.

+3ver there, think there was a forest fire of some kind,- she lied, pointing over to the

burning horizon, + don’t want to get much closer until it goes out, and think the horses could

go with a break anyway.-

+3h,- arcus said &uietly, still looking away, +3kay.- !nuora went back to work untying

ropes and getting some water out for the horses while "ody grazed a bit nearby. arcus

continued looking away, transfi4ed with the fire. 5ust before she was going to ask him if he was


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okay, he spoke up. +1o you think they’re okay/- *e said slowly, +The townspeople, mean. The

forest ends awfully close to the edge of town.-!nuora paused. There were a couple of towns that they had passed through in the last

couple weeks that had been raided, and it was obvious there was something going on. There

hadn’t been anything too severe, nothing like an entire town burning, but she wouldn’t be

surprised if it was related. #he wasn’t sure if arcus understood the magnitude of what was

happening. !nuora wasn’t even sure that her parents knew e4actly what was happening, and she

didn’t want to scare him.

+)eah,- she said after some thought, +’m sure they’re fine. 3ur other will keep them

safe.- #he wasn’t sure she believed her own words, but arcus seemed to accept it. With only a

bit of hesitation, he looked away from the smoldering fire and gently nudged their mother’s arm.!nuora went back to caring for the horses. "ody was a few feet away grazing, and she

called him over. After a &uick check to make sure he wasn’t hurt in any way, she took one of the

$ugs that had been hanging from "ody’s saddle. #he poured a good amount of water into a

bucket for her horse. When she moved away and capped the bottle, "ody noisily drank from the

$ug. A bit of water sloshed out of the edge, and !nuora pat "ody’s back.

+*ey, careful, that’s all you’re getting,- she said to "ody fondly. When she turned to

unsaddle the other horses, she saw her mother and father moving about to give them a makeshift

camp for the night. *er mother was untying a roll of tinder and twigs to start a small fire. Around

her mother’s wrist was a small bag that held flint and steel. !nuora went over to Avri and

removed her saddle. #he gave her a &uick check as well, and she seemed to be alright. *er

mother passed her when she moved to start the fire, and !nuora greeted her.+t’s a good thing we’re close to town,- her mom said conversationally, +We’re out of

pretty much everything.-


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+)eah,- !nuora said, +We’ll get there soon enough, though.- #he took the now empty

water bucket from "ody, and poured more water inside for Avri. #he drank a great deal neater

than "ody did, and !nuora pat her back as well.

+)es, its best we don’t get involved,- her mother said sagely. +6egardless of what

happens, our other and her children will keep us safe.-

!nuora $ust nodded, and took the water to her parent’s horses. arcus had unsaddled,

and they were happily grazing. While she gave them water and checked the horses over, arcus

and her father were getting some food to eat for dinner. They had a fair amount of dried meat

left, and lot of berries and greenery they picked a day or so ago. They really didn’t have anything

that constituted as a meal, as they intended to make it to the town before daybreak, and it was too

dark to start anything now. !nuora really didn’t mind, food was food.t wasn’t long before the fire was started and all the horses were happily grazing, and

sooner still until they were all sitting around the fire ready to eat. *er parents had already sat

down with their plates in front of them and began to pray. !nuora was the last one to sit down,

and she put her plate down and closed her eyes.After her parents had taken her in, she had always asked why they should pray. *er

mother and father patiently e4plained time and time again, that $ust as one would thank another

for a gift, they should thank their other for protecting them and giving them life. They told

!nuora that if they did not pray and stay pure, their other might lose them and be unable to

guide their souls to rebirth when it was their time.

(erhaps only those who prayed were protected by their other. s that why people die,

because their faith wavers/ Why, then, do the murderers not parish as well/ f soldiers with

bloodied hands live solely because they live in ignorance, why do their cruel leaders continue to

live with their sins/ *ow is peace and balance being maintained when so many devout souls are

lost/


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There was a sound of someone standing up, and !nuora’s eyes opened. *er mother was

first to make her offering, as always. #he moved to the fire to put bits of her food into the flame.

There was a brief sizzle and flare, and the fire calmed down again.

+7or my family and our safety,- her mother said, still looking at the flames, +ay our

other and her children look down at us and smile.-

!nuora’s father did much the same. +7or my family and our safety,- he said, +ay *er

wisdom guide us further.- *e sat down, and !nuora stood up. #he watched the fire flare up

solemnly when she burned her offering.+7or my family and our safety,- !nuora mumbled &uietly, +ay #he protect us from all

evils.- #he sat down silently. t was her brother’s turn.

+7or my family and our safety,- he said stiffly, +ay #he protect the townspeople from

harm.- *e sat down &uickly. They ate their dinner &uietly, with only brief blips of conversation

about harmless topics like the weather, or their traveling plans. #oon enough, they were all

bundled in their blankets, and !nuora watched the trail of smoke curl and fade up into the sky

until she fell asleep.

t had only taken a couple hours to make it to the town when they woke up. The fire had

gone out by the time they had woken up, and the bright sun had made for pleasurable riding

weather. There was no visible damage from the fire until they made it about a mile into the

forest. The empty e4panse of lush grass and open sky faded into a rockier, wooded area. %y the

time they were nearing the town two mountains loomed on either side of them.

t was evident there was some sort of fight. 1owned tree limbs and marks on tree trunks

revealed a s&uabble of some sorts. %ut as they made their way through the ever growing forest,

there seemed to be no casualties, weapons, blood, or anything. t was very empty. They were

walking ne4t to their horses, unwilling to knock their head on any low hanging branches or trip

up the horse on some stray root. There was a small dirt pathway that led into town, directly up to

the first small farms and merchants.


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They heard the bustle of the townspeople before they saw them. Within feet of the

pathway they picked up the general pandemonium of busy workers. There were scorch marks on

a good number of the buildings, but it looked like most of it was put out before any serious

damage was done. There were a couple buildings near the far edge of town that had collapsed,

revealing the raw stone foundation underneath. There was an inn $ust off the center of town

where they stopped, and as !nuora and arcus tied up the horses, their parents stuck up

conversation with some of the townspeople resting in the shade.+3h, gods, is everyone alright/- *er father had said, face crinkled with worry, +f there’s

anything we can do to help, we will be here for a time.-

The men thanked him hurriedly, and told him only a few were killed or hurt. +’m afraid

that you won’t be able to reside in the inn, though,- a man said at one point, +Those whose

homes were too damaged or who had family who were hurt are taking up all the rooms-

+3h, no, it’s no worry,- their mother said, +We don’t to trouble you any.-They began to discuss the total damage, and ways they might be any help. !nuora and

arcus were &uickly shooed away after they began to get restless. arcus was trying to sneak

away to play with the other kids in the town, and !nuora $ust laughed lightly before gesturing for

him to go.

+0o on, $ust don’t go too far, alright/- !nuora said to him. *e rolled his eyes at her, but

he was smiling nevertheless.

+)es, mom,” he said, but there was no bitterness in it. *e turned and ran towards the

schoolyard where a few kids were playing.+1on’t sass me,- !nuora called $okingly to arcus as he ran away. #he had her own

agenda of what she wanted to do, and she took the path opposite to where arcus went. The

town was directly in between two mountains, and at either side it was met up against a sheer

cliff. t was a bit of a walk, but she soon made it to the edge of the rocky precipice. t was &uite a

way up, much too high for anyone to climb. There was a single house this far out, and its fence


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met directly up against the rock face. 6agged grass curled around the posts crookedly put in the

ground, many of which were fractured or broken entirely.#he was overwhelmingly grateful that it hadn’t taken any fire damage during the attack

the night before. Even though it held no true value, she heaved a sigh of relief. The abandoned

house was rickety and mostly falling apart and it was easy enough to slip past the slanted edge of

the fence to make it inside.

At one point, it used to be white, but now the yard ran wild with high yellowing grass,

and the brown wood showing through against flaking paint. Though it was small, it towered

above her like a magnificent monument. nside it was only a three room house, a kitchen and two

bedrooms. t still had furniture inside, a bookcase, a table with three chairs, a long cold stove.

When !nuora had first found it, she spent hours cleaning it up. t had been incredibly dusty and

filled with mice and cobwebs. All by herself, she patched up the broken, leaky ceilings, the

caved in walls, the collapsing floor, until it was a place of glory. 7or the most of winter they

stayed in this town, and she often had plenty of time to spend in her private haven.

When she opened the front door, it creaked unpleasantly. #he made a mental note to fi4

that later, and closed the door to move further in the house. #he opened her rucksack that she had

slumped on one shoulder, and pulled out the few books she had managed to get this year. #he put

them with the rest on the bookshelf. #he was running out of room.*er mother kept telling her to trade or sell the books she got on her travels, but she

couldn’t do it. #he had read each one several times, but she loved every one dearly and couldn’t

bring herself to get rid of any. Within them held memories of times and places, they were

inseparable to her.#he knew that she should hurry back to help the townspeople, but she wanted to indulge

herself for a moment. With a &uick glance, she pulled a book off the shelf, sat down in one of the

chairs, and began to read.


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Even when everything was doubtful, the words on the pages stayed the same, and

everything was alright.

!nuora had only stayed an hour or so, but by the time she had returned to the town

s&uare everyone was busy back at work. #he waved to a couple of people she recognized and

they nodded and waved back. t seemed that despite the tragedy that had transpired, people

mostly had moved on heartily. There was enough time to repair the damage done to the town

before winter truly fell, and the town was big and prosperous enough to alleviate most of the

people’s worries.

#he stopped at a small bakery, with a friendly old woman who seemed to favor her. When

her family was first getting started, they had very little. t often resulted in them camping out in a

barn, stealing food from townsfolk. t was easy to say !nuora learned what she needed to know,

but fortunately this kind lady was one of the few who were willing to give a little. 3pening the

front door, a small bell clanged and a short, blonde girl whipped her head up to look.

+*i- #he s&ueaked, eyes wide and e4cited. #he had been furiously writing at a list of

some sort, hunched over in concentration.

+s rs. 3berson here/- !nuora asked politely. #he had never seen this girl before, she

must be new.

+!h,- the girl looked around &uickly for a second, as if the old woman would appear

from behind a counter or something. + don’t think so' ’m not sure where she went.- #he &uickly

darted into a room, and then another, with no avail. +#orry- #he s&ueaked again, +#he must

have stepped out for a while. We’re kinda busy because we’re one of the businesses working to

supply the townsfolk with food while we recover. ’m sure she’ll be back soon, though.-

!nuora smiled at her, and thanked her. +5ust tell her that !nuora was here, alright/

suppose ’ll visit her later, since we’ll probably be here for a while.- #he waved goodbye, and

left, leaving the girl to continue what she was doing.


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After that, she wasn’t too sure what to do. #he was sure she would get in the way of her

parents, and without rs. 3berson there, she didn’t want to intrude. #ettling on a leisurely pace,

she walked around town. 7arther away from town, where farms dotted the horizon, dirt roads led

the way, but once she got closer dirt turned to meticulously placed stone that led to each

doorstep. The clamor of the town was a mounting one, kids running one way, workers with

wood, a latter, food, medicine ran this way and that.

!nuora had passed the inn that her parents were at. #he saw them trading with some of

the merchants through the clear windows. *er father was with a man across the counter, and his

face was stern and businesslike.

There was a small, concrete church that was ne4t to the schoolhouse her brother was

playing at. #he waved at him briefly before going through the wide, decretive doors. *e smiled

brightly at her, and waved vigorously. *e was covered in dirt and looked happier than ever. #he

turned to open the doors.

nside it was near silent, with only a few people hunched over in the back end of the

church. !nuora assumed they were praying, and &uietly made her way up the steps to where the

pews were. The moody light gave the scene an eerie feel. #he was &uickly unsettled. Although

she felt a certain homeliness to the high arches of the church, the low lighting that edged through

the stain glassed windows unnerved her. #he moved &uickly to go through the slightly a$ar door

that led to the priest’s &uarters. #he was eager to see the pastor.

%ut, when she opened the door there was someone inside that wasn’t the pastor. There

were a few gruff looking men packing away all the things in his &uarters. %ooks, pictures, pens

and notes were all being impersonally shoved inside crates. There was no sign of the pastor.+What2- !nuora started, but she trailed off when the men looked up at her as if they

suddenly realized her presence. They all looked strangely solemn. +Where’s (astor ssac/-There was a brief moment where they all paused. The men said nothing, but they

wouldn’t meet her eyes. !nuora had a dawning sense of fear. #he gave a sort of half laugh, $ust a


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huff of air, and tried to back out of the room as fast as possible. #he only made it a few steps

before her eyes met what the men and women were huddled in front of that she saw before. They

weren’t praying, they were mourning. embers of the church held a silent vigil, their head

bowed in front of a delicately carved coffin. t was closed, but !nuora didn’t have to see to know

who it was.#he ran out of the church. #he didn’t even stop when her brother called out to her, or even

when she met the edge of town. #he kept running and running, until her breath ran out and her

eyes ran with tears.

As much as she tried to hide from her family, her brother knew her better than she

e4pected him to. !nuora heard arcus’s footsteps not too long after she ran away. 8uckily, he

was alone.+!nuora,- he had said &uietly, +!nuora, ’m sorry.-

+)eah,- she sniffed. The pastor had helped her grow so much, and she felt she owed him

dearly. #he $ust didn’t understand2 +Why does it happen like this, arc/-

arcus didn’t say anything, $ust looked at her intently and waited for her to continue. #he

took a shuttering breath, and stood up unsteadily from where she had sat underneath a tree.+f our other is supposed to protect the pure, then why should the pastor die/ *e was

the purest of us all.- arcus $ust stood there. When she met his eyes, he looked away.+Alright,- she said, +#orry.- !nuora grabbed for arcus’s hand, and he let her take it.

They walked through the woods and down to a stream that stretched through the edge of the

mountain. %y the time they returned to town, the sun had set, and their parents were waiting for

them to return. *er parents had made camp a little ways away from the town in small clearing.!nuora knew she didn’t look well. #he was sure her eyes were red from crying, but

neither of her parents said anything. Either they knew about what had happened, or they didn’t

want to ask. *er mother silently served them all generous helpings of a stew of sorts. *er mother

began to perform her nightly prayers. As the fire sizzled, she recited the usual.

+7or my family and our safety,- her mother said, +ay our other and her children look

down at us and smile.-


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%ut, when it got to !nuora’s turn, she felt the words catch in her throat. %itterness and

fury took the place of gratitude in her heart. !nuora’s soul was worth less than the pastors, yet

she still breathed and he didn’t. There was an uncomfortable silence where !nuora said nothing.

#he felt her family watching her, and she began to cry. The tense air didn’t dispute, and only the

crackle of the fire could be heard.+ don’t2- her mother started, + don’t understand why you mourn for him so deeply,

and cannot guarantee our other found his light under the shroud of his misguided faith, but

know he lived a grand life. f his gods are as true as he believed, he will be safe.-

!nuora didn’t want to say anything to that. *er mother never understood why she was so

fi4ated on the pastor and his teachings. #he loved their other, but !nuora saw value in the faith

of gods she had never seen before. Who said only their other and her children were the only

gods out there/ There was always more to learn, and more to understand, so why should she stop

searching in places that her other’s light had never reached/

+3ur other believed in purity of the soul and mind,- !nuora said sternly, +And the

pastor had all of those and more. *e did not pray to our other, but he was purer than me or

you, so how does that make him any lesser/-

*er mother sighed. #he opened her mouth, but seemed to think better of it. After a

moment she tried again. +(urity does not dictate the path from mortality to rebirth,- she said,

with a tad of scorn.

!nuora hissed bitterly, +Why should it/ When a man is truly pure, his glow shines

brightest no matter the darkness. )ou always told me the most holy men carve places in the sky

to live once they’ve passed on, that they mark the sky forever to guide us. f this is true, then

how can our other be so blind to miss it/- *er mother narrowed her eyes at a !nuora

threateningly. arcus shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and her father was silent, but !nuora

wasn’t going to concede now.


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+*ow can some measly morsels of meat truly change the fate of a man so drastically/-

!nuora knew she should stop now, but she didn’t want to. *er mother never respected what she

did and what she wanted. #he never even tried to understand what !nuora believed. +f our

other cannot tell the difference between a murderer and a man who saved countless lives, than

why should we trust her vision/-There was a bitter silence. 1espite how in the setting sun the breeze around her felt chilly,

!nuora felt as if she was burning up. *er throat was tight, and her fists were clenched

vengefully.

+f you cannot keep your faith steady to our other, cannot understand why would

trust you to keep our family steady,- her mother said coldly, +(erhaps its best if you took a

walk.-With a bitter aura and a heavy heart, she did.

The ne4t couple weeks were stressful. The upcoming winter weather weighed upon

everyone. There was a general bustle of action where people began to pack away food and

complete final repairs before the heavy winter gusts. !nuora spent a lot of time in her cabin

reading. n previous years when she was not reading, she was with the pastor. (astor ssac could

tell her wild stories of his travels across all lands, places that seemed mythical almost. *e would

teach her and educate her. *e was one of the only people who understood her insight, her dream.

The wild way she would talk about the books on ancient history, about long dead cultures and

customs made sense to him. *e was enthralled by it, sparking heated conversations that lasted

for hours. *e was the only one who did not laugh when she told him stories of a temple high in

mountains, so high it nearly brushed the land of the gods. *e was her mentor, and as much as the

words were bitter on her tongue, he was gone.

*er mother did not understand. !nuora tried not to keep a grudge, but it weighed heavy

on her. #he continued to pray to their other, and said nothing about the pastor again. t’s not

that she didn’t love their other anymore, but no matter how she saw it, she did not understand


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why their beloved other would not act. There were a few messengers that ran through town

with stories of an invasion of the small scattering of towns to the north. Every townsfolk had

died but the few lucky ones that were elsewhere preparing for winter. !nuora couldn’t imagine

returning from some menial yearly task to find her village razed. #he could not fathom the

repulsiveness of it all. t sent shockwaves of fear and uncertainty through not only her, but the

whole village.

#he longed for (astor ssac. What’s more, she felt her mounting fury building. #he could

not sit still any longer. There was something not right. There was something not right with their

other, as beloved and cherished as she may be. There was something not right with the world,

and !nuora refused to remain without any answers for any longer.

There was a worm of fear and distaste that !nuora could not shake. #he loved her family

more than anything else, and they had taken her in when no one else would. #he took in their

culture and their customs deep into her own heart, and in a way this doubt tainted her love for

them. *er mother did not &uite meet her eyes anymore, and !nuora knew she had betrayed their

love, devotion and loyalty.

(erhaps, that is even more so why she should pursue this path. #he needed answers, and

only then can she find true peace and faith. (erhaps that is what it takes.

And so, she planned to leave.

After (astor ssac’s burial, his poor widowed wife was unsure what to with his

belongings. As !nuora was one of his closest pupils, they were given to her and she gladly took

them. 3ne night, she took a pen and paper from them, and began to write. t was thanks to the

pastor that she could write, let alone as neatly as she could. #he loved to write with an

overwhelming passion, but the words that she wrote were not ones that came easy.

To my loving family,

I love you dearly. I know you may not believe me sometimes, especially not after this, but

I do. I know our Mother is part of our family that cannot be removed, and I do not want Her to

be. My faith still remains in our Mother, I promise down to my very heart it does, and it is


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because of that that I am leaving. I have questions that I need answers to, and I am unable to

find them here. I need to find my purpose. I need to find my destiny. I promise I will be back one day, and I will be back with answers this time. I know those

answers may not matter to you, but for once trust me because this is what I need to do for myself. I love you dearly, please keep safe.

ove, !nuora

#he asked (astor ssac’s wife to give her parents the letter when they woke, and though

she looked worried she agreed. !nuora trusted her to give them the message. #he had faith.

#he gave arcus a kiss on the forehead briefly, pausing only a moment to run her hand

lovingly through his bangs, and untied "ody. #he had taken some supplies and maps from the

pastor’s things. *e had a lot of great information, and she was sure she was prepared. #he

$umped on his back, and with her bag on her shoulder, some food, supplies and an abundance of

faith, she headed south.

#he needed answers. #he needed reasons. #he was going to find her destiny.

in a heart and a mind

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