You can receive this e-newsletter directly to your email address by registering at

the Shire Office or by emailing council@kojonup.wa.gov.au.

SHIRE BRIEFS

THE HEART OF MY COMMUNITY

SEGRA (Sustainable Economic Growth for Regional Australia) is excited to invite Kojonup to participate in the

2015 short film event to promote the people, place and productivity of regional Australia. THE HEART OF MY

COMMUNITY theme provides the opportunity to construct a 90 second film highlighting who/what makes the

heart of your community and why. The winner will be decided on the best in cinematic storytelling, judging each

film on the strength of its story.

The winner will receive $1,000 and the runner-up will receive $500 from Bendigo Bank. Filmmakers entering

the competition will have their films showcased to an esteemed judging panel. Entry fee is $50. All shortlisted

films will be celebrated at the 2015 SEGRA conference in Bathurst.

The short film competition is open to anyone who wishes to enter –regardless of their background or experience.

All shortlisted films will be on show on the big screen and the winner announced at the SEGRA 2015 conference

in Bathurst 20-22 October 2015.

To register and to find out more information, head to the SEGRA website www.segra.com.au/registration.php.

SHIRE PRESIDENT NEWS

Community Members

Community members have the right to express an opinion as we live in a democratic society, just as elected

members have the right to debate particular subjects at Council with the CEO and his team providing qualified

advice to ensure informed decisions are made. These decisions may be based on short, medium or long term

outcomes through a process of openness and transparency taking into account social, economic and

environmental considerations both past, present and future and engaging with the community so that any change

which does occur is not a surprise!

Community members generally have the opportunity every two years to nominate for council and vote at Council

elections yet sadly the majority of electors do not exercise this right to vote! Just as disappointing was the lack

of response from community members to attend the 18 August 2015 information session on the role of Council

and that of a Councillor as well as the distinction between strategic and operational functions of local government.

Community members also have the opportunity to speak/meet with the Shire President and CEO, ask questions

in Public Question time, attend Briefing Sessions, have their issues or any other matter recorded with Council’s

responsible officer being required to respond or provide an update within a specified period (in accordance with

our Customer Service Charter).

Minutes of Council meetings, Information Sessions, Planning Sessions and Advisory Committees etc… are

available from the Council’s website or hard copies can be obtained at the front counter of the Admin Office.

Advancements in Information Technology (IT) allow almost immediate access to information. Councillors via

iPads have access to an enormous amount of information and data.

Being a councillor is a very responsible position that is both challenging and rewarding however processes have

to comply with a myriad of legislation that may cause frustration to the community however it is required for a

Shire of Kojonup E-News Edition 71

16 October 2015

reason! To protect ratepayer interests in accordance with the Community Strategic Plan. There are also

restrictions on what Council can or can’t undertake but Council can justify why a certain action or outcome

was/wasn’t undertaken.

I wish to share with the community Cr Trethowan’s comments made at the September 2015 Council meeting

after 12 years of passionate and dedicated service to the Shire of Kojonup.

“Thank you community members who have been willing to share their concerns with me, those who've contributed

to the 'conversation' and added to the information and those who've wanted to better understand how Council

arrives at decisions. Please continue to converse with Council so they can arrive at decisions with you, not for

or to you!

Council needs to be a collaboration, a place where people come to share their wealth of knowledge and

experience, and seek the best information to make decisions and develop strategies, that improve the social and

economic health of our community, for now and the future.

As Councillors, we need to be reasonable and realistic in everything, 'to look at the ugly baby', to consider the

impact on our community members, especially those who don't have the financial security and time flexibility to

be part of the decision making process, to consider the short and long term impact and benefits of decisions on

all members of the community, 80% of whom are under the age of 65. Council needs to continue to provide and

improve the foundation from which our community can build.”

Please remember to be part of the solution rather than tend to find problems to a solution by seeking information

and to recognise that change is a constant!

Life is about choices – good and bad! The difference between each may have only been on how informed your

decision making process was in making that initial choice!

Kojonup has a terrific future and its full potential is yet to be realised but together we are making a positive

difference!

Community members are reminded that the Shire President is available for appointments Wednesday morning

from 10am until noon. Please contact the Shire Office on (08) 9831 2400.

Ronnie Fleay Rick Mitchell-Collins

Shire President Chief Executive Officer

LIBRARY NEWS

Story Time - Dates for Term 4, 2015

16 October

30 October

13 November (Guest Story Teller – Libby)

27 November

11 December (Christmas themed so please wear your Santa Hat, Reindeer Antlers or

anything Christmas.

Book Donations

As always donations of books, jigsaws, DVD’s are truly appreciated.

Your donations gives all our patrons such a huge choice that we normally couldn’t supply. Thank you, in return

we are able to have a trolley dedicated to ‘Books for sale by donation’ which with the funds raised we are able to

purchase new resources. And those that don’t carry money…..we actually ask them to take the book anyway,

because it’s about getting books into homes & reading.

New Books

Best Australian Yarns by Jim Haynes – is a substantial and definitive collection of factual and

fanciful Aussie stories, humour and anecdotes – the result of decades of researching popular

Aussie culture and history and yarning to mates and other colourful characters from all parts of

Australia and all walks of life.

This collection includes tall stories from the bush, reminiscences from the racetrack and shearing

shed, railway yarns, stories from the world of show business, Aboriginal legends and humour,

digger yarns from both world wars, ghost stories, monsters, bunyips and yowies and many things

you never knew about our amazing history and the characters who made it – the pioneers, heroes, convicts,

bushrangers, eccentrics and brave and forgotten men and women whose fascinating lives and achievements

created the Aussie spirit that we all love.

Through the Zombie Glass by Gena Showalter – Zombies stalk the night. Forget blood and

brains. These monsters hunger for human souls. Sadly, they've got mine...

Alice Bell has lost so much. Family. Friends. A home. She thought she had nothing else to

give. She was wrong. After a new zombie attack, strange things begin to happen to her.

Mirrors come to life, and the whispers of the dead assault her ears. But the worst? A terrible

darkness blooms inside her, urging her to do very wicked things. She's never needed her team

of zombie slayers more but ultra bad-boy Cole Holland, the leader and her boyfriend,

suddenly withdraws from her...from everyone. Now, with her best friend Kat at her side, Ali must kill the

zombies, uncover Cole's secret and learn to fight the darkness. But the clock is ticking and if she fails at a single

task, they're all doomed.

Tansy Magill by Carol Ann Martin – The narrator loves to stay with her grandmother in her house

on Huffingup Hill. Most of all she loves Grandma's stories about Tansy Magill, a little red-haired

girl who once also lived in this house and who slept in the same bed under the same patchwork

quilt. The story she likes to hear most of all is Grandma's tale about how Tansy Magill met Billy

Higgins and became part of the Huffingup Hill Gang. She never tires of hearing it and it always

makes her laugh … But who is Tansy Magill, really?

Rural Australian Gardens – A luscious coffee-table book featuring stunning photographs

and fascinating stories from some of the most beautiful and diverse gardens of properties

around the country.

Like many of us, landscape designer Myles Baldwin dreams of living in the country one

day. For Rural Australian Gardens, he travelled from subtropical and temperate to alpine

and arid regions around the country to find the best and most unusual gardens. From newly

established gardens to those that have evolved over generations, he discovered that

Australians' approach to their properties is as diverse and unexpected as the landscape itself - and that

resourcefulness and a sense of place are essential ingredients in creating the most successful of them. As well as

revealing the stories behind the gardens, Rural Australian Gardens includes practical horticultural information

on using trees, hedges, shrubs, perennials and groundcovers in rural settings around Australia.

Stronger Now by Nicole McLean – On 12 October 2002, the beautiful island of Bali was hit by

the deadliest terrorist attack in its history. It claimed the lives of 202 people and left 240 others

severely injured. Nicole McLean was one of those 240. It was her first night in Bali, and Nicole

and her friends decided to go to Paddy's Bar for a drink and a dance. Nicole was on the dance

floor when the suicide bomber detonated. That night she was critically injured and was left

fighting for her life. Despite being one of the first Australians to be evacuated back home by

the RAAF, Nicole was to lose her right arm and spend weeks hovering between life and death.

This is her extraordinary story. Shown through Nicole's eyes and those closest to her as they

watched the horror unfold before them, this is a gripping personal account of what happened

that fateful night and Nicole's difficult yet incredible journey towards recovery, motherhood and marriage. Ten

years on and the scars from Bali have not faded. But while those left behind will never be forgotten, this book is

a testament to the resilience and strength of human spirit of those that survived. It is a story about hope, second

chances and never giving up.

PLAY IN THE PARK

28 October 2015

Apex Park

10:00am – 12:00pm

Come join Bec & Lorreen in a morning of sun, fun, activities, storytelling & fruit.

All families of Kojonup are welcome to join in this FREE COMMUNITY

EVENT.

Lorreen Greeuw

Library Services Officer

SPRINGHAVEN NEWS

Viv Prandi, Kathleen Thornbury, Norma Fleay & Bob Green were taken out for

a lovely morning tea to the Country Kitchen by our OTA, Stacy and Carer,

Donelle. The residents enjoyed their coffees, sitting and having a laugh and a chat

and they especially enjoyed their pumpkin fruit cake! Thanks Peta & Staff at the

Country Kitchen.

Our residents have truly delighted in having the very talented Southern Singers

come and sing for us over the last couple of months. (Pictured) Thank you Jill

and the Southern Singers for taking the time to organise and come and sing for

our residents. We truly enjoy and appreciate it.

A very Happy Birthday from everyone here at Springhaven to Kathleen Johnson

who celebrates her birthday today, 16 October 2015.

Our Arty and Crafty group of

residents have been

appreciating some art time

this month. Barbara

Boddington (pictured) painted

some of the fish she so enjoys

watching in our fish tank.

Geordie from Wheatbelt GP Network is once again visiting us

at Springhaven! The residents are enjoying doing drumbeat

and having a sing along. We all love having a giggle and enjoy

banging on the drums. Musical aptitude and appreciation are

two of the last remaining abilities in dementia patients. Music

can bring emotional and physical closeness, singing is

engaging and music can shift mood, manage stress and

stimulate positive interactions. (see pictures attached)

We love having visitors for morning tea at 10:00am and

afternoon tea at 3:00pm. If anyone has any special talents they

would like to share with us, please come on up or contact

Springhaven on 98312800.

UPCOMING ROAD WORKS

Widening of Kojonup / Darken Road

Cemetery kerbing and gravel installation

Patching to bitumen roads

Grading of roads as required

The Manager of Works & Services, Craig McVee would welcome any comments about the proposed works and

can be contacted on 0427 427 854.

NATIONAL BANDANA DAY – 30 OCTOBER 2015

Did you know that Bandana Day is a fundraiser for Canteen? Canteen supports young people and their families

dealing with cancer. Bandannas play a significant role as a symbol of hope and empowerment for people who are

affected by cancer and are worn during their cancer journey.

The Shire has Bandanas ($4.00) and Pens ($3.00) for sale at the front counter.

Please support this worthy cause.

RESTRICTED BURNING PERIOD

Please be aware that the Restricted Burning Period began on the 1 October 2015 and a permit is now required to

light a fire. Please contact your local Brigade Bush Fire Control Officer (FCO) to obtain a permit.

Restricted Burning Time

1 October – 31 October & 1 March – 30 April

Permits are required for all fires lit during these Restricted Burning times and must be obtained from your local

Fire Control Officer who will explain the conditions under which fires may be lit. Permits will not be issued for

town site burning between 1 March & 30 April. Please note restricted burning times may be extended by the

Chief Bush Fire Control Officer. Property owners should consult with your local Fire Control Officer or ring the

hotline on 9831 0145.

Prohibited Burning Time

1 November – 28 February

Permits may be issued between 1 November & 15 December for protective burning only. Between 16 December

& 28 February, no fires may be lit without the express permission of the Chief Bush Fire Control Officer. The

Shire Council has authority to extend this date and you should consult with your local Fire Control Officer or

ring the hotline on 9831 0145.

KOJONUP BUSHFIRE ASSOCIATION RADIO OPS MEETING

To be held in the Reception Room at the Shire Office on Monday, 26 October 2015 at 7:30pm.

REGISTERING YOUR DOG

You are required by law to register your dog:

Dogs over the age of three months are required to be registered with a local government.

Registration tag:

All dogs are required to wear a registration tag in public places. This tag will be issued by your local

government when you register your dog. It is an offence for your dog not to wear a collar and tag, and you can

be given an on-the-spot fine of $200.

Confining your dog:

When registering, you are required to make a declaration to certify that the property where the dog is kept is

capable of confining the dog within those premises.

False declarations can attract a penalty of up to $5000. Tethering is not considered a suitable means of

confinement.

Why register?

If your dog becomes lost and is impounded by the Ranger, you have a better chance of finding your dog if it is

registered and wearing its tag.

Penalties for non-registration:

It is an offence to keep an unregistered dog over the age of three months. The maximum fine is $5000, with a

modified penalty of $200. Higher penalties apply if your dog is a dangerous dog.

If your dog is unregistered and subsequently impounded, you may be liable for additional fees. Some local

governments may exercise their right to keep your dog in their pound until you pay both the registration fee and

the pound fee.

How do I register my dog?

To register your dog, you will need to contact your local government and complete and sign a registration form.

Registration forms are only available from local governments. A person under the age of 18 years may not

register a dog.

Microchipping requirements:

Amendments introduced on 1 November 2013 require that all new dogs registered for the first time, or dogs

that are transferred to a new owner, need to be microchipped. All existing dogs need to be microchipped by 1

November 2015.

When you register your dog, you will be required to provide proof that the dog has been microchipped, by

providing the local government with the microchip number.

Current registration term:

All registrations are due on 1 November each year and can be renewed for either one or three years. Lifetime

registration is also available.

Registration fees 1 year 3 years Lifetime

Sterilised

Standard $20.00 $42.50 $100

Pensioner concession $10.00 $21.25 $50

Unsterilised

Standard $50.00 $120.00 $250

Pensioner concession $25.00 $60.00 $125

Registration concessions:

Concessions are available for the following:

Pensioners who have approved concession cards are entitled to a reduction in fees, as shown above.

Only 50% of the registration fee is payable for registrations made from 31 May in any year (the registration

has effect until 31 October that year).

Dogs that are sterilised. Proof of sterilisation is required.

Only 25% of the registration fee is payable for working dogs.

You should ask your local government:

If you qualify for a reduced registration fee, and

If a rebate or subsidy applies (eg sterilisation subsidy). If so, your local government may require proof of

your residency, and conditions may apply.

Paul Retallack

Senior Ranger

SCHEME WATER USERS

The Water Corporation advises that Kojonup Scheme water users can use their sprinklers either before 9:00am

or after 6:00pm, two days per week based on the last digit of your street number. Where there is no street number,

the lot number is to be used.

Last Digit of Street or Lot Number Scheme Users – 2 Day Roster

1 Wednesday & Saturday

2 Sunday & Thursday

3 Monday & Friday

4 Tuesday & Saturday

5 Sunday & Wednesday

6 Monday & Thursday

7 Tuesday & Friday

8 Wednesday & Saturday

9 Sunday & Thursday

0 Monday & Friday

2015 COMMUNITY SURVEY

The Shire of Kojonup Community Survey has been mailed out and is available to complete on the Shire’s website.

The survey is conducted every two years to analyse the community satisfaction with the range of services

delivered by the Shire. The 2015 survey will measure the change in the importance placed by the community on

services and facilities and the perceived level of the Shire’s performance in providing these services and facilities.

The survey is confidential. Please answer the questions honestly to ensure that we are getting accurate feedback

to assist us in meeting the needs and expectations of the community now and in the future.

Submission date is the 14 November 2015, and results will be available late December on the Shire’s website.

We encourage as many people as possible to fill out the survey to ensure we produce accurate results. If you have

received the survey via post, you can return the survey in the envelope provided or to the Front Counter at the

Shire office. If you have not received a copy please access the survey via the Shire’s website.

Cassandra Fletcher

Community Development Officer

WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE HAS AN ADDICTION

21 September 2015 by Hey Sigmund

The fallout from an addiction, for addicts and the people who love them, is devastating – the manipulations, the

guilt, the destruction of relationships and the breakage of people. When addicts know they are loved by

someone who is invested in them, they immediately have fuel for their addiction. Your love and your need to

bring them safely through their addiction might see you giving money you can’t afford, saying yes when that yes

will destroy you, lying to protect them, and having your body turn cold with fear from the midnight ring of the

phone. You dread seeing them and you need to see them, all at once.

You might stop liking them, but you don’t stop loving them. If you’re waiting for the addict to stop the insanity

– the guilt trips, the lying, the manipulation – it’s not going to happen. If you can’t say no to the manipulations

of their addiction in your unaddicted state, know that they won’t say no from their addicted one. Not because

they won’t, but because they can’t.

If you love an addict, it will be a long and excruciating road before you realise that there is absolutely nothing

you can do. It will come when you’re exhausted, heartbroken, and when you feel the pain of their self-destruction

pressing relentlessly and permanently against you. The relationships and the world around you will start to break,

and you’ll cut yourself on the jagged pieces. That’s when you’ll know, from the deepest and purest part of you,

that you just can’t live like this anymore.

I’ve worked with plenty of addicts, but the words in this post come from loving one. I have someone in my life

who has been addicted to various substances. It’s been heartbreaking to watch. It’s been even more heartbreaking

to watch the effect on the people I love who are closer to him than I am.

I would be lying if I said that my compassion has been undying. It hasn’t. It’s been exhausted and stripped back

to bare. I feel regularly as though I have nothing left to give him. What I’ve learned, after many years, is that

there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to change him. With all of our combined wisdom, strength, love and

unfailing will to make things better for him, there is nothing we can do.

I realised a while ago that I couldn’t ride in the passenger seat with someone at the wheel who was on such a

relentless path to self-destruction. It’s taken many years, a lot of sadness, and a lot of collateral damage to people,

relationships and lives outside of his.

What I do know is that when he is ready to change direction, I’ll be there, with love, compassion and a fierce

commitment to stand beside him in whatever way he needs to support his recovery. He will have an army of

people behind him and beside him when he makes the decision, but until then, I and others who love him are

powerless. I know that.

Nobody intends for a behaviour to become an addiction, and if you are someone who loves an addict – whether

it’s a parent, child, partner, friend, sibling – the guilt, the shame and the helplessness can be overwhelming.

Addiction is not a disease of character, personality, spirit or circumstance. It can happen to anyone. It’s a human

condition with human consequences, and being that we’re all human, we’re all vulnerable. Addicts can come

from any life and from any family. It’s likely that in our lifetime, if we don’t love someone with an addiction,

we’ll know someone who does, so this is an important conversation to have, for all of us.

The problem with loving an addict is that sometimes the things that will help them are the things that would seem

hurtful, cold and cruel if they were done in response to non-addicts. Often, the best ways to respond to an addict

have the breathtaking capacity to drown those who love them with guilt, grief, self-doubt and of course,

resistance.

Loving an addict in any capacity can be one of the loneliest places in the world. It’s easy to feel judged for

withdrawing support for the addict, but eventually, this becomes the only possible response. Unless someone has

been in battle armour beside you, fighting the fight, being brought to their knees, with their heart-broken and their

will tested, it’s not for them to judge.

The more we can talk about openly about addiction, the more we can lift the shame, guilt, grief and unyielding

self-doubt that often stands in the way of being able to respond to an addict in a way that supports their healing,

rather than their addiction. It’s by talking that we give each other permission to feel what we feel, love who we

love, and be who we are, with the vulnerabilities, frayed edges, courage and wisdom that are all a part of being

human.

When Someone You Love is an Addict

1. You’re dealing with someone different now

When an addiction takes hold, the person you love disappears, at least until the addiction loosens its grip.

The person you love is still in there somewhere, but that’s not who you’re dealing with. The person you

remember may have been warm, funny, generous, wise, strong – so many wonderful things – but addiction

changes people. It takes a while to adjust to this reality and it’s very normal to respond to the addicted person

as though he or she is the person you remember. This is what makes it so easy to fall for the manipulations,

the lies and the betrayal – over and over. You’re responding to the person you remember – but this is not that

person. The sooner you’re able to accept this, the sooner you can start working for the person you love and

remember, which will mean doing what sometimes feels cruel, and always heartbreaking, so the addiction is

starved of the power to keep that person away. The person you love is in there – support that person, not the

addict in front of you. The sooner you’re able to stop falling for the manipulations, lies, shame and guilt that

feeds their addiction, the more likely it will be that the person you remember will be able to find the way

back to you.

2. Don’t expect them to be on your logic

When an addiction takes hold, the person’s reality becomes distorted by that addiction. Understand that you

can’t reason with them or talk them into seeing things the way you do. For them, their lies don’t feel like

lies. Their betrayal doesn’t feel like betrayal. Their self-destruction doesn’t always feel like self-destruction.

It feels like survival. Change will come when there is absolutely no other option but to change, not when

you’re able to find the switch by giving them enough information or logic.

3. When you’re protecting them from their own pain, you’re standing in the way of their reason to stop

Addicts will do anything to feed their addiction because when the addiction isn’t there, the emotional pain

that fills the space is greater. People will only change when what they are doing causes them enough pain,

that changing is a better option than staying the same. That’s not just for addicts, that’s for all of us. We often

avoid change – relationships, jobs, habits – until we’ve felt enough discomfort with the old situation, to open

up to a different option.

Change happens when the force for change is greater than the force to stay the same. Until the

pain of the addiction outweighs the emotional pain that drives the addiction, there will be no

change.

When you do something that makes their addictive behaviour easier, or protects them from the pain of

their addiction – perhaps by loaning them money, lying for them, driving them around – you’re stopping

them from reaching the point where they feel enough pain that letting go of the addiction is a better option.

Don’t minimise the addiction, ignore it, make excuses for it or cover it up. Love them, but don’t stand in the

way of their healing by protecting them from the pain of their addiction.

4. There’s a different way to love an addict

When you love them the way you loved them before the addiction, you can end up supporting the addiction,

not the person. Strong boundaries are important for both of you. The boundaries you once had might find

you innocently doing things that make it easier for the addiction to continue. It’s okay to say no to things you

might have once agreed to – in fact, it’s vital – and is often one of the most loving things you can do. If it’s

difficult, have an anchor – a phrase or an image to remind you of why your ‘no’ is so important. If you feel

as though saying no puts you in danger, the addiction has firmly embedded itself into the life of the person

you love. In these circumstances, be open to the possibility that you may need professional support to help

you to stay safe, perhaps by stopping contact. Keeping a distance between you both is no reflection on how

much love and commitment you feel to the person, and all about keeping you both safe.

5. Your boundaries – they’re important for both of you

If you love an addict, your boundaries will often have to be stronger and higher than they are with other

people in your life. It’s easy to feel shame and guilt around this, but know that your boundaries are important

because they’ll be working hard for both of you. Setting boundaries will help you to see things more clearly

from all angles because you won’t be as blinded by the mess or as willing to see things through the addict’s

eyes – a view that often involves entitlement, hopelessness, and believing in the validity of his or her

manipulative behaviour. Set your boundaries lovingly and as often as you need to. Be clear about the

consequences of violating the boundaries and make sure you follow through, otherwise it’s confusing for the

addict and unfair for everyone. Pretending that your boundaries aren’t important will see the

addict’s behaviour get worse as your boundaries get thinner. In the end this will only hurt both of you.

6. You can’t fix them, and it’s important for everyone that you stop trying

The addict and what they do are completely beyond your control. They always will be. An addiction is all-

consuming and it distorts reality. Know the difference between what you can change (you, the way you think,

the things you do) and what you can’t change (anyone else). There will be a strength that comes from this,

but believing this will take time, and that’s okay. If you love someone who has an addiction, know that their

stopping isn’t just a matter of wanting to. Let go of needing to fix them or change them and release them

with love, for your sake and for theirs.

7. See the reality

When fear becomes overwhelming, denial is a really normal way to protect yourself from a painful reality.

It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay, but this will only allow the addictive behaviour to bury itself in

deeper. Take notice if you are being asked to provide money, emotional resources, time, babysitting –

anything more than feels comfortable. Take notice also of the feeling, however faint, that something isn’t

right. Feelings are powerful, and will generally try to alert us when something isn’t right, long before our

minds are willing to listen.

8. Don’t do things that keep their addiction alive

When you love an addict all sorts of boundaries and conventions get blurred. Know the difference between

helping and enabling. Helping takes into account the long-term effects, benefits and consequences. Enabling

is about providing immediate relief, and overlooks the long-term damage that might come with that short-

term relief. Providing money, accommodation, dropping healthy boundaries to accommodate the addict –

these are all completely understandable when it comes to looking after someone you love, but with someone

who has an addiction, it’s helping to keep the addiction alive.

Ordinarily, it’s normal to help out the people we love when they need it, but there’s a

difference between helping and enabling. Helping supports the person. Enabling supports the

addiction.

Be as honest as you can about the impact of your choices. This is so difficult – I know how difficult this is,

but when you change what you do, the addict will also have to change what he or she does to accommodate

those changes. This will most likely spin you into guilt, but let the addicted one know that when he or

she decides to do things differently, you’ll be the first one there and your arms will be open, and that you

love them as much as you ever have. You will likely hear that you’re not believed, but this is designed to

refuel your enabling behaviour. Receive what they are saying, be saddened by it and feel guilty if you want

to – but for their sake, don’t change your decision.

9. Don’t buy into their view of themselves

Addicts will believe with every part of their being that they can’t exist without their addiction. Don’t buy

into it. They can be whole without their addiction but they won’t believe it, so you’ll have to believe it enough

for both of you. You might have to accept that they aren’t ready to move towards that yet, and that’s okay,

but in the meantime don’t actively support their view of themselves as having no option but to surrender

fully to their addiction. Every time you do something that supports their addiction, you’re communicating

your lack of faith in their capacity to live without it. Let that be an anchor that keeps your boundaries strong.

10. When you stand your ground, things might get worse before they get better

The more you allow yourself to be manipulated, the more you will be manipulated. When you stand your

ground and stop giving in to the manipulation, the maniplulation may get worse before it stops. When

something that has always worked stops working, it’s human nature to do it more. Don’t give into to the

lying, blaming or guilt-tripping. They may withdraw, rage, become deeply sad or develop pain or illness.

They’ll stop when they realise your resolve, but you’ll need to be the first one to decide that what they’re

doing won’t work anymore.

11. You and self-love. It’s a necessity

In the same way that it’s the addict’s responsibility to identify their needs and meet them in safe and fulfilling

ways, it’s also your responsibility to identify and meet your own. Otherwise you will be drained and damaged

– emotionally, physically and spiritually, and that’s not good for anyone.

12. What are you getting out of it?

This is such a hard question, and will take an open, brave heart to explore it. Addicts use addictive behaviours

to stop from feeling pain. Understandably, the people who love them often use enabling behaviours to also

stop from feeling pain. Loving an addict is heartbreaking. Helping the person can be a way to ease your own

pain and can feel like a way to extend love to someone you’re desperate to reach. It can also be a way

to compensate for the bad feelings you might feel towards the person for the pain they cause you. This is all

really normal, but it’s important to explore how you might be unwittingly contributing to the problem. Be

honest, and be ready for difficult things to come up. Do it with a trusted person or a counsellor if you need

the support. It might be one of the most important things you can do for the addict. Think about what you

imagine will happen if you stop doing what you’re doing for them. Then think about what will happen if you

don’t. What you’re doing might save the person in the short-term, but the more intense the addictive

behaviour, the more destructive the ultimate consequences of that behaviour if it’s allowed to continue. You

can’t stop it continuing, but you can stop contributing to it. Be willing to look at what you’re doing with an

open heart, and be brave enough to challenge yourself on whatever you might be doing that’s keeping the

addiction alive. The easier you make it for them to maintain their addiction, the easier it is for them to

maintain their addiction. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.

13. What changes do you need to make in your own life?

Focusing on an addict is likely to mean that the focus on your own life has been turned down – a

lot. Sometimes, focusing on the addict is a way to avoid the pain of dealing with other issues that have the

capacity to hurt you. When you explore this, be kind to yourself, otherwise the temptation will be to continue

to blunt the reality. Be brave, and be gentle and rebuild your sense of self, your boundaries and your life.

You can’t expect the addict in your life to deal with their issues, heal, and make the immensely brave move

towards building a healthy life if you are unwilling to do that for yourself.

14. Don’t blame the addict

The addict might deserve a lot of the blame, but blame will keep you angry, hurt and powerless. Addiction

is already heavily steeped in shame. It’s the fuel that started it and it’s the fuel that will keep it going. Be

careful you’re not contributing to keeping the shame fire lit.

15. Be patient

Go for progress, not perfection. There will be forward steps and plenty of backward ones too. Don’t see a

backward step as failure. It’s not. Recovery never happens in a neat forward line and backward steps are all

part of the process.

16. Sometimes the only choice is to let go

Sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough. Loving someone with an addiction can tear at the seams of

your soul. It can feel that painful. If you’ve never been through it, letting go of someone you love deeply,

might seem unfathomable but if you’re nearing that point, you’ll know the desperation and the depth of raw

pain that can drive such an impossible decision. If you need to let go, know that this is okay. Sometimes it’s

the only option. Letting go of someone doesn’t mean you stop loving them – it never means that. You can

still leave the way open if you want to. Even at their most desperate, most ruined, most pitiful point, let

them know that you believe in them and that you’ll be there when they’re ready to do something different.

This will leave the way open, but will put the responsibility for their healing in their hands, which is the only

place for it to be.

And finally …

Let them know that you love them and have always loved them – whether they believe it or not. Saying it is

as much for you as it is for them.

Source:

http://www.heysigmund.com/when-someone-you-love-has-an-addiction/