how to deal with anger

7/31/2019 How to Deal With Anger

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HO W TO ... deal w ith anger

M ental Heal thPromotion Series



“ I don’t think of myself as an angry person, but somet imes

I suddenly lose my temper over some lit t le thing. Then, I sayand do really hurt ful things, and w hen I’ve calmed dow nagain I hate myself.”

“ No, I don’t get angry when I remember the break-in. What’sthe point? It was just bad luck.”

“ In our f amily, no-one ever shouts or t hrows things.

Sometimes, I w ish t hat they would. They just make snidecomments, or sulk, or refuse to talk to each other forweeks.”

“ I was so angry aft er that weekend, visit ing my parents, thatI came home and ate a whole pot of jam!”

“ When I was lit t le, my Dad used to shout and hit out

sometimes, especially when he’d just come back f rom t hepub. We’d be really scared. And then my Mum would goall t ight -lipped and give him t he deep-freeze t reatmentfor days. But they never talked about whatever it was thathe was angry about in the f irst place.”

M any peo ple have trouble m anaging th eir anger. This

booklet is for anyone w ho w ants to learn how to dealw ith i t in a constructive and h ealthy w ay.

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Mental Health Promot ion

Is i t alw ays bad to feel angry?

Anger is a natural response to feeling attacked, injured or violated.It’s part of being human; it’s energy seeking expression. But angercan be a f r iend . It helps peo ple survive, giving th em th e streng thto f igh t back or run aw ay w hen at tacked or faced w i th in just ice.In i tself , i t ’s nei ther go od no r bad, b ut i t can b e f r ight ening.

Angry feel ings can lead to destruct ive and violent behaviour,and so p eople tend t o b e f r igh tened of it . The w ay som eone

has been brou gh t u p, and t hei r cul tural backgrou nd , w i ll verym uch inf luence ho w th ey feel abou t expressing ang er. A p ersonm ay have been pu nished fo r expressing i t w hen th ey w ere sm all ,or h e or she m ay have w itnessed t heir parents’ o r ot her adu lts’anger w hen i t w as ou t o f con trol , destruct ive and t erri fying. Orsom eone m ay be f r ight ened by the st reng th o f h is or her ow nbad tem per. A ll of th is encou rages peo ple to sup press th eir ang er.

W hen som ething m akes you ang ry, you feel excitem ent in yourbod y and emo t ions. Your g lands are pum ping your b loo d f u l l o fth e horm on e adrenaline, preparing fo r f ight or f l ight. You are ful lof energy, alert, ready for action. Tension builds up, but is releasedw hen you express you r ang er. The release is go od fo r you , helpingto keep body and mind in balance and able to face life’s challenges.

A s lon g as th e bu i ld-u p of ten sion is usually released in act ion

or w ords, you sho uld b e able to cope w i th feel ing f rustratedoccasionally! But i f, as a rule, you have to bo tt le up you r feeling s,th e energy has to go som ew here. It m ay tu rn inw ards and causeyou all sorts of problems. Suppressed anger can have very negativeeffects, physically and mentally.



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Physical effects

I t might af fect your:• d igest ion (con t r ibu t ing to th e developm ent o f heartbu rn,

ulcers, co li t is, gast ri t is o r irritab le b ow el synd rom e)• heart an d circulatory system (leadin g t o b locked arteries)• b loo d p ressure (dr iving i t too high )• m uscles (result in g in inf lam m ation s, such as in arth ri t is)• im m un e system (m ak ing you m ore like ly to catch ‘ f lu and

other bugs, and less able to recover from operat ions,

accidents or major il lnesses, such as cancer or AIDS)• pain th resho ld (m aking you m ore sensi t ive to pain).

Emot ional effectsThese might include:• depression (w hen t he anger is tu rned inw ards)• add ict io ns (to alcoh ol, tob acco, or i llegal dru gs)• com pu lsion s (eatin g d iso rders, su ch as excessive diet ing o r

bing e-eat ing, o verw ork ing , un necessary cleaning and anyot her behaviou r th at is ou t o f con trol , inc luding sexualactivities)

• b u llying b ehaviou r (especial ly expressing racist, sexist o rhomophobic v iews)

• i ll -th ou gh t-o ut po l it ical act ivi ty (a terror ist b low ing u p a bu s,or a p aci f ist o n a pr ison hu ng er-st r ike cou ld bo th be ‘act ingou t’ , on a bigg er stag e, th eir person al di f f icul t ies w ith ang er.)

Al l of these wi l l damage relat ionships with other people, and thisis l ikely to low er you r self -esteem fu r th er, and m ake you m oredepressed.




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Is there a healthy w ay to let out m y angry feel ings?

It ’s m uch h ealth ier to recog nise w hen you are feeling an gry andto express it d irectly in w ord s, no t in violen t actio n . Expressingang er assertively in t h is w ay:• ben efi ts relat ion ship s and sel f-esteem• a llow s fu l ler and r icher com m un icat ion and in t im acy• defu ses tensions befo re they get to ‘explosion’ po int• helps to keep p eop le ph ysically and m ent ally health y.

For example, Pat shouts angri ly at her husband, Andrew, ‘Howcould you treat m e like that, you bastard?’. An drew feels attackedfo r no g oo d reason , and sho ut s back w i th m ore abu se. Pat m ayth en f eel helpless and vict im ised. Neith er of th em w i ll feel happ yw i th t he exchange. Yet , if Pat w ere to say to A nd rew , ‘ I’m angryw i th you because you haven’ t do ne any w ashing-up fo r w eeks! ’ ,he will know why she is angry, and there will be a chance for themto ta lk abou t t he w ashing-up, and w ork o ut a so lu t ion. Pat w i ll

feel bet t er abo ut herself , and th e tension b etw een t hem is lessl ikely to b ui ld u p to th e point o f v io lence. And rew w i ll havem ore in fo rm at ion about w hat anno ys Pat , and they w ill becom m un icat ing bet ter.

If you have spen t a l ifet im e squ ashing you r feel ing s, it w i ll taket im e and ef fo r t to get int o t he habi t o f expressing ang er in anassertive, bu t n ot agg ressive w ay! But th e fol low ing t ips w ill help.

Assert iveness t rainingLearn about anger and assert iveness: read about them andif possible, f ind an assertiveness training or other personaldevelopm ent g roup . (You could t ry your local aut ho r ity adul teducation classes; detai ls of these and other classes should beavailable at you r lo cal library.)




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Caring for yourself

Look to your general health, especial ly diet and exercise. Lack ofcertain n ut rient s can m ake peo ple feel irritable and w eak. Exerciseincreases ou r self-esteem , as w ell as ou r f i tn ess and m uscle to ne.Find pleasurab le w ays to let of f steam involving vigo rous ph ysicalact ivi ty – dancing , cho pp ing w oo d, jog ging , or w hatever you feell ike. This w i ll prevent tension b ui ld ing up in your b od y in ad estr uct ive w ay.

Nu rtu re you r sel f-esteem : treat you rself k ind ly and give you rselfregular t reats. (See M ind ’s bo ok lets Ho w to A ssert You rself an dHow to Look Af ter Yoursel f . You w i ll f ind det ails of th ese, andot her p ub l icat ion s l isted un der Furt her reading on p . 14 . )

How can I deal w ith m y angry feel ings better?Examine your behaviour pat terns

Get to kno w your ow n pat tern o f b ehaviou r and h istory aroundanger. W hat w as you r fam ily like w hen you w ere grow ing up?W ho g o t angry, and w hat happened w hen they d id? If no -onew as op enly angry, w hat h appened to resentm ents and di f ferencesof op in ion o r o f n eeds?

What unspoken messages did you receive about anger? Perhapsth ey w ere sim i lar to t hese:

‘On ly m en get ang ry, but n ice gi r ls do n’ t . They grow up to bem artyrs and vict im s. ’

‘W om en’s anger is to o t errib le to b e ta lked abo ut . ’

‘ It ’s no go od get t ing ang ry abo ut anything , because they nevertake any notice of people like us, and it only gets you into trouble.’

‘People often lose their tempers and break things, but there’snot h ing w e can do about i t . It ’ l l a ll b low over soo n’ .



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Think abou t t hese m essages, and h ow th ey have af fected you r

l i fe. Do you st i l l bel ieve them? What do you think is possible foryou no w ? Do you tend to bot t le th ings up and g et depressed,or do you ten d t o explod e and be aggressive? How do you f eelabout you r cur rent pat tern? Find som eone to ta lk t o abo ut yourfeel ing s – an u nd erstan din g fr iend , or a p rof ession al cou nsel lor.

Acknow ledge past hurt sIt ’s im po rtant t o ackno w ledg e ang ry feelings lef t over f rom th e

past, especially your childh oo d. No th ing can change w hat happ enedto you, b ut your att itud e to it can change. Past losses and injustices,big or small, can rankle for years. Painful experiences may includebeing n eglected by your p arents; b i t ter r ivalry w i th a bro th er orsister ; the d eath o f som eone c lose, or grow ing u p in exi le.

You m ay th ink you have forg ot ten abo ut th em , that i t ’s po int lessto go over old bones. But, i f something suddenly happens to you

in the present, and your response to i t is total ly over the top, i tmay become clear that these feel ings are not so dead after al l !W hi le you rem ain u naw are of t hem , they can cause un necessaryprob lem s. But , i f you can g et to kno w them , you w il l have achance of d ealing m ore con stru ct ively w ith p resent si tu at ion s.

For exam ple, Sharon att end s a parent s’ m eeting at h er chi ldren’snew school. She f inds herself increasing ly irritat ed w ith t he p erson

chair ing th e p arent -teacher associat ion (PTA ), w ho beh aves in avery dom ineering w ay. Sharon com es aw ay feeling dep ressed.

The schoo l had requested volunt eers to help o rganise a fu nd -raisingevent . It is just t he k ind o f t hing she u sually enjoys, bu t n ow Sharonfeels th at she w ants no th ing t o d o w ith t he social side of t he schoo l.Then she realises w hy she d idn’ t l ike the Ch air of th e m eeting. Herem ind s her of a bul ly ing teacher, w i th w ho m she had som e very

bad experiences at schoo l. M em ories com e f lood ing b ack o f h owhu rt , angry and po w erless she fe l t at t hat t im e in h er li fe.



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Sharon t alks abou t t his w ith h er fr iends, and t hey rem ind h er that

she is no long er po w erless or friendless – th at t his is an o pp ortun ityto m ake a di f ferent k ind of exper ience of schoo l . Som e of h erfr iend s have chi ldren at t he sam e schoo l, and share her con cernsabout the style and presence of the PTA Chair. Sharon can separateher old exper ience of th e bu l ly ing teacher f rom her currentchal leng e as a parent . She can have th e po ssibi li ty of a m oreconstru ct ive engagem ent w i th t h is do m inant p erson . She feelsf ree to jo in in t he fu nd -raising event , and p lans w i th h er f r iends

and other parents how they might change the way the PTA is run!

W hat should I do w hen I feel myself get t ing angry?Sto p and th ink, i f at al l po ssible! There is a trad i t ion al saying ,w hich is very sou nd , that g oes: ‘Hold your breath and coun t toten befo re you say anyth ing. ’

Walk away f rom situationsIt ’s a go od idea to ask you rself , ‘ A m I so ang ry I can’ t th ink?’ an d‘Am I wanting to lash out and hit someone?’. If the answer to eitherof th ese is yes, then w alk aw ay fro m th e si tuat ion . Tell the ot herperson that you are too angry to speak to th em at th is m om ent ,i f you can. Go aw ay som ew here to calm do w n. If n ecessary, letou t t he d esire to lash o ut by hi t t ing a cushion , breaking crockeryi f you have to , sho ut ing, screaming or m aking som e k ind of

angry no ise w here i t w i ll not a larm anyone.

Resolve unfinished business‘W hy am I so an gry?’ . Finding th e answ er to t h is is im po rtantfo r th e next step. A re you ang ry because of som ething th at ishapp ening n ow , that t hreatens you, your l ife, you r loved on es,you r w ork, som eone or som ething th at you value? In o ther w ords,is you r ang er justif ied an d in pro po rtion ? Or is i t that som e of the

anger that you f eel is no t really due to t he person and situ ation th atyou are facing n ow , but to som e un finished bu siness from th e past?



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If your ang er turn s ou t to be m ore to d o w ith t he past th an the

present , then th ink abo ut ho w to address that before – or asw ell as – dealing w i th t he current si tuat ion .

The w ay to f ind o ut about th is is by ta lk ing i t over w ith anoth erperson , preferably som eon e w ho is no t invo lved p erson ally.On ce you are c lear th at th e anger is abou t t he here-and-n ow ,prepare to te l l th e ot her person th at you are angry!

W hat is the be st w ay to t el l som eone I ’m angry?Before you meet• Get c lear in you r head w hat you r r igh ts are, and b e real ist ic:W hat do you w ant to h appen? W hat a re you en t i t led to?W hat m ight h appen w hen you te ll the person you are angry?Can you do anyth ing abo ut t hat? Can you l ive w ith theconsequences?

• Quest ion your conclusions:You m ay believe that i f you tel l you r b oss th at you ’re angry she’ l lsack you , but th is bel ief m ay no t b e t rue. It m ay even b e part o fa depression; you r w ay of keeping yourself p ow erless! If in do ub t,ta lk to som eone abo ut your f ears. It ’s im po rtant to c lear up anydoubts before the meet ing, or you may sabotage your chancesof be ing heard.

• Set t he scene:Cho ose a t im e and a place th at w ill suit you, and w here you t hinkth e oth er person is m ore likely to l isten an d h ear w hat you haveto say. M ake sure you w on ’t be distu rbed; w arn ot her people notto interrupt you for a set per iod.

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Cho ose a setting th at allow s you t o f eel th at you are bo th equal

and th at you bo th m atter. Ei ther si t in chairs at t he sam e height ,or b ot h stand up . Have the l igh t com ing in at a sidew ays angle,no t b ehind o ne of you (people get anxiou s i f th ey can’ t see th eface of t he p erson th ey are ta lk ing to ). M ake sure th ere are nop hysical ob stacles (such as a pi le of p apers) b etw een yo u .

During the meeting• Keep you r bo dy lang uage assert ive: aler t and relaxed, keeping

di rect eye con tact , w i th you r feet f i rm ly on th e f loor.

• Keep brea th ing ! Th is w ill help you to keep calm .

• Be specif ic. Say ‘ I feel ang ry w ith yo u b ecause... ’ This avoid sblam ing an yone, and sho w s th at you are tak ing respo nsibil ityfor your hal f of the problem. The other person is less l ikely tofeel attacked.

• Listen t o t he ot her person ’s respo nse, and t ry to u nd erstandth eir po int o f v iew. Treat th em w i th t he sam e cou rtesy andat t en t ion you w an t f r om them.

• Ask fo r m ore t im e or ano ther m eet ing , if t h ings can ’t beresolved at on ce.

• Fin ish by thank ing the oth er person f or the ir t im e andat tent ion, whatever the outcome.

• Give yourse lf a pat on th e back and a t reat fo r the t im e andef for t you h ave pu t int o m anaging your ang er assert ively!



?W hat if I ’m ang ry abou t a p ublic issue?

So m etim es, p eop le are ang ered b y po lit ical issu es; b y sleaze inpu bl ic l ife, by the t reatm ent o f p eople in m ental hospi ta ls, or byth e invasion o f o ne cou nt ry by anot her, fo r instance.

An ger can be an im portant fu el to cam paign s fo r social just ice.But , as w ith p erson al issues, it ’s im po rtant to th ink abo ut w hatyou are do ing an d t o u se you r ang er assertively. In a health y society,part icipat ion in p ub l ic cam paigns for just ice in a n on -vio lent and

respo nsible w ay w ou ld be seen as evidence of m aturi ty and go odcit izenship.

There’s a w ell-kn ow n p rayer th at asks, ‘Lord , give us th e cou rageto change w hat needs to b e chang ed, the st rength t o bear w hatcannot be changed, and the w isdo m to k now the d i f ference’ .Being in t ou ch w i th your ow n ang er is a pot ent sou rce of t hatknow ledge and w isdom .

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Usefu l orga nisat ions

The Andrea Adams TrustHova House, 1 Hova Villas, Hove, East Sussex BN3 3DHtel ./ fax: 01 27 3 70 49 00 , e-m ail : m ail@andreaadam strust .orgweb: www.andreaadamstrus t .orgUK char ity ded icated t o tackling w orkp lace bul ly ing

Alcoholics Anonymous

PO Box 1, Sto nebo w Hou se, Sto nebo w , York YO1 7NJhe lp l ine : 0845 769 7555 , tel. 01904 6440 26fax : 01904 629091, web: www.a lcohol ics-anonymous.org.ukNat ional network of local Alcohol ics Anonymous groups.M em bers help each o th er to achieve and m aint ain sob r iety

British Association for Behavioural and CognitivePsychotherapies (BABCP)

PO Box 9, Accrington BB5 0XBte l. 01254 8 752 77, fax: 01254 2 391 14e-m ail: [email protected] w eb: w w w .babcp.comProm ot es th e develop m ent o f t he th eory and p ract ice ofbehavioural and cognit ive psychotherapies. Can provide detai lsof accredited therapists

Brit ish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP)

1 Regen t Place, Ru gb y, W arw icksh ire CV2 1 2 PJtel. 0870 443 5252 , fax: 0870 443 5160, m inicom : 0870 443 5162e-m ail: [email protected] w eb: w w w .bacp.co.ukInf orm at ion and advice abo ut coun sell ing and psycho th erapy.Send an SA E fo r d etai ls of pract i t ion ers in you r area

HO W TO... deal w ith anger



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CarelineThe Cardinal Heenan Cen tre, 326 -328 High RoadIlford, Essex IG1 1QPcounselling line: 020 851 4 1 177 , o f f i ce te l. 020 85 14 544 4fax: 020 8478 7943, e-mai l : carel ine@total ise.co.ukweb: www.care l ineuk.orgCrisis t eleph o ne cou n selling service o n any issu e

Depression Alliance35 W estm inster Bridg e Road , Lon do n SE1 7JBhelpl ine: 020 876 8 01 23, tel. 020 763 3 05 57, fax: 020 763 3 05 59e-m ai l: in fo rm ation @dep ression al liance.orgw eb: w w w .depressional liance.orgSup po rt and un derstand ing t o an yone af fected by dep ression

Women’s AidPO Box 3 91 , Bristo l BS99 7W She lp l ine : 0845 7 0 2346 8, adm in t e l. 0117 944 4411fax: 011 7 9 24 17 03, e-m ail: in f o@w om ensaid.org.ukw eb: w om ensa id .o rg .ukNat ional do m est ic vio lence chari ty, w i th a 24 -ho ur h elpl ine

UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP)

167–169 Great Port land Street , London W1W 5PFte l. 020 743 6 30 02, fax: 020 743 6 30 13e-m ai l: uk cp@psycho th erapy.org .ukw eb: w w w .psychotherapy.org.ukM aintains a register o f q ual i f ied p sycho th erapists



Furth er reading

The A ng er Con tro l Wo rkbo ok : Sim ple, inno vat ive techn iques fo r m anaging an ger and d evelop ing h eal th ier w ays of re lat ing M . M cKay, P. Ro g ers (New Harb ing er Press 2 0 00 ) £ 1 3 .99The A ssert iveness W ork bo ok : Ho w to express you r ideas and stand up fo r you rself at w ork and in re lat ionships R. J. Paterson(New Harbing er Press 20 00 ) £1 2.9 9A -Z of Com plemen tary and A lternative Therapies (M ind 2000 ) £3.50

Con f idence Wo rks: Learn t o b e you r ow n l ife coach G. M cM ahon (Sheldon Press 20 01 ) £7 .99Good M ood Food M . Van Strat en (Cassel l 20 02 ) £1 0.9 9Ho w to A ssert You rsel f (M ind 20 01) £1How to Look Af ter You rse lf (M ind 2 002) £1M anage You r M ind – The m ental heal th f i tn ess gu ide G. But ler, T. Ho p e (Oxf ord Un iversity Press 1 99 5 ) £9 .99M anag ing A nge r G. Lindenfield (Thorsons 2000) £6.99

M anag ing A nger at W ork M . Hartley (Sheldo n Press 20 02 ) £6 .99The M ind Gu ide to Food and M ood (M ind 2 000) £1The M ind Gu ide to M anaging St ress (M ind 20 02) £1The M ind Gu ide to Physical A ct ivi ty (M ind 2 001) £1The M ind G uide to Relaxat ion (M ind 2 001) £1The M ind Guide to Yog a (M ind 20 01) £1National Self-harm Netw ork Inf orm ation Pack (NSHN 1998) £3.50Overcoming Anger and Irritabil ity W. Davies (Robinson 2000) £7.99

Overcom ing Low Self-esteem : A self-h elp g uid e using cog nit ive- behaviou ral techn iques M . Fennel l (Rob inson 19 99 ) £7.99Stu dent s’ M ental Heal th Needs (Jessica Kingsley Publishers2002 ) £15 .95Und erstand ing Bereavem ent (M ind 20 02) £1Understanding Depression (M ind 20 02) £1Un derstan din g Eat ing Distress (M ind 2 002) £1Understanding Self-harm (M ind 20 02) £1

Understanding Talking Treatments (M ind 20 02) £1

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HO W TO... deal w ith anger



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how to deal with anger

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