We provide global citizens with tools to overcome isolation.www.isolatedinternationals.com2011

Written and produced by Norman Viss

Expa

t Ang

erHOW TO RECOGNIZEANDOVERCOME

Anger is one letter short of danger. Expat AngerExpats, global citizens and those moving around in different cultures can struggle with anger.

The reasons to be angry are myriad, each new one more plausible than the last one. And they can change like a chameleon changes his skin color.

A different environment, customs that appear ridiculous at best and utterly frustrating at

worst, feeling there is one to trust, loneliness that painfully gnaws away at one's heart. All of these and many more can produce a festering anger, directed at the other or the surroundings.

For those who have the kind of personality that immediately expresses what one is feeling – the heart on the sleeve types – the anger will usually be expressed. That doesn’t mean it is dealt with, but it is expressed in ‘throwing

a fit’ in all kinds of ways. There is no mistaking that one is angry.

Others can keep the feelings of anger inside, bottling them up and even denying they exist.

CONTENTS:HIDING ANGER 2ANGER AS A POSITIVE FORCE 5BE ASSERTIVE 9ANGER AND COMMUNICATION12

Recently I had a conversation with a woman who began by saying “I am not angry, just sad and disappointed.”

At the end of her story she said: “I am so angry at her”.

She had no idea that she had contradicted herself. She told herself that she was disappointed. And she was right – she was disappointed and sad. But that disappointment was rooted in and fed by anger.

Anger feels good…..

One of my favorite writers said this about anger:

Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.

(F. Buechner, Wishful Thinking, page 2)

Hiding Anger

What do you do to hide your anger?

Are you dreadfully busy at work?

Are you sick?

Are you one of the most nice and helpful people around – especially for the person you are so angry with?

Do you invest a lot of energy and money in good causes?

Are you glad to have realized that you are an introvert?

Are you too quick to criticize others?

Bottled up anger

The blogpost on expat anger drew some attention – and a number of excellent responses.

Wendy Kendall wrote about using your emotions as a tool to understand your deeper beliefs, assumptions and thought patterns. She hit the nail on the head:

You can use your emotions to ask yourself ‘what are my beliefs about this that are leading me to feel this way?’ and you can also get deeper self awareness when a mismatch happens – often times, you’ll find a hidden ‘iceberg belief’ as you described above.

Anger that is kept bottled up inside and not recognized will come out, often at unexpected moments, and it can be

very damaging to yourself and/or those around you.

And it can be very embarrassing.

Here’s one I will never forget:

The Nigerian government officer was huge, dressed in his richly decorated flowing robe with his embroidered hat.

He was furious with me.

I sat across from him looking like a dog that knows he is guilty of something he should not have done.

It started with a campaign initiated by the Nigerian government against corruption, laziness and indiscipline. It was called “The War against Indiscipline”. One important message of the campaign was that government officials

should always be “on seat”. It was often so difficult to get in contact with officials because they were never in their offices. You had to keep coming back in the hope that you would get lucky and find one there. It wasted lots of time.

I needed a stamp from the Alien’s Office, because we were going on a trip. About two o’clock in the afternoon I came up to the corrugated tin shack, of which so many government offices were made, on my motorcycle.

Five or six young boys sat under a tree in front of the building, looking to cool themselves in the hottest part of the afternoon. I knew these were the “boys” who performed various kinds of services for the official.

I walked up to them, greeted them profusely as is done in Nigeria, and asked if the official was there.

°No, he is not on seat”.

Before I knew what I was doing the words slipped out of my mouth:

“So much for the War against Indiscipline!”.

I knew immediately that I was in trouble. The boys stiffened up, and I saw on their faces that they really had news for their boss!

I tried to do what I could to save the situation – I made a little small talk and said I would come back later.

Then I went home and waited for the inevitable.

And sure enough – an hour later one of the boys showed up at my door.

“My boss would like to see you in his office.” He looked like he was enjoying this a lot.

The official fired his anger at me like rounds from a cannon. “Who do you think you are? What do you know about my business? Don’t you know I am an important person?”

And what had embarrassed him the most: “How dare you embarrass me in front of my boys!!”

The only way to calm him down was to, right there, write a letter of apology to him for my poor behavior.

When I left his office the boys were still sitting under the tree.

And they were still enjoying themselves immensely.

Expat anger can be a postive forceIn July of this year (2011), Catherine Transler wrote an excellent blogpost on anger and learning to be more assertive. Click here to read it.

She refers to Anne Dickson's book "A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You". Catherine had only recently read this book,

and I haven't read it at all (it's not available on Kindle!). You can check the book out here on Amazon, and reading the reviews can be informative also. It sounds like Dickson has a lot to offer everyone in general, expat men and women in particular.

I'm sharing with you in this and the next blogpost a few things I gleaned from the book via the reviews, and I hope this is helpful to you as you think through these issues, as it is to me.

Anne Dickson feels that anger is the most misunderstood emotion of all. In her book (on assertiveness) she writes this about anger:

...It provides the impetus to learn new skills...It pushes you to express yourself in writing or singing or painting; it can push you on in a career, or to some goal that you see as fulfilling; because of it you can survive crises and disasters and illness..."

She feels that anger can be a source of energy and determination that propels a person to act powerfully and assertively. It can also be a creative force.

IndifferenceI'll tell you, this was one of the most powerful truths I discovered when trying to deal with my own expat anger.

Someone - I don’t know whom – said once: “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference”.

In other words: if I don’t love someone, then I am indifferent about what happens in his life and the things he does. It doesn’t make any difference to me if someone does things that are destructive to him or others.

But when I love the other person, I am filled with passion – I hate the things that are destroying or damaging him. I get angry when the other treats someone else unfairly or is treated unfairly.

If that anger is absent, then I need to ask myself if I really do love the other person.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.Mark Twain

Anger is disarmed – and what I mean by that is that it acquires a healing function instead of a destructive function – when my love for the other drives me to take risks, to express my anger and to help the other choose the best way to go. That gives my anger a mission, a goal, a healthy focus. It puts my anger in the perspective of love so that it can be bent and turned into something that has a positive impact on the other person.

Creating, healing, encouraging, renewing, restoring.

As expats we often say we 'love' the life we're living, or the culture into which we are integrating, or the work we are doing. But we're probably not giving the word ' love' the meaning I just gave it - it's more of an expression than a reality.

Expat anger is real. And it is often directed at injustice, inefficiency, waste of time or resources, inhumane treatment of people or animals.

This anger shows that we care. It matters to us that things are not right in the world in shich we live. We are passionate about something, and become angry when damage is done.

Isn't it great to know that you are a person capable of caring? That's what expat anger shows you, unless it is totally self-centered (I'm not getting what I want) or being expressed destructively.

WHEN YOU

FIND

YOURSELF

GETTING

ANGRY:

AVOID PUTTING A LID ON IT SO IT EATS YOU UP FROM INSIDE

TRY TO FIND OUT AS ACCURATELY AS POSSIBLE WHY YOU ARE ANGRY

TURN THAT ANGER INTO A POSITIVE, CREATIVE FORCE FOR CHANGE

I’LL SIGN UP FOR THAT MISSION ANYTIME.

There’s strong evidence that these links between beliefs and emotions are ‘hardwired’ into our brains because they’re very consistent, even across cultures. Anger stems from believing that your rights have been violated, sadness from a belief of having lost something or someone, guilt from having caused harm to others in some way. A feeling of shame/embarassment comes from believing you’ve lost social standing and, finally, feeling fearful comes from beliefs about you being under threat at some point in the future.

So, you can use your emotions to ask yourself ‘what are my beliefs about this that are leading me to feel this way?’ and you can also get deeper self awareness when a mismatch happens – often times, you’ll find a hidden ‘iceberg belief’ as you described above.

Wendy Kendall

To this day I am ashamed of myself when I think back on it.During our first years in Nigeria we lived in a small village called Serti. The village lies in a beautiful area, surrounded by small, lovely hills; to the south rises a high plateau (the Mambilla Plateau) where we often went to find relief from the heat.

Serti lies on the road from Bali to Gembu. There was only one road, unpaved, wet and muddy in the wet season and dry and hard in the dry season. When we arrived in 1977 the road was reasonably well maintained, but as the years passed the road deteriorated.I had a Toyota Land Cruiser, a big four wheel

drive vehicle, which could hold more Nigerians than westerners. Nigerians have this uncanny skill of being able to press more people into a vehicle than one could imagine. One really can't blame them either, considering the availability of transport services. Or lack thereof, I mean.

And they took advantage of that. I became a regular taxi service. And because I tended to travel on certain set days, people would come a few days before my trip to “book” a place in my car.On the day of departure I was often surprised by who and what was waiting to go along with me.

The man who had booked - I thought for him alone, and only to the next village - turned out to be his wife, two children, a large basket of maize and a goat.

ANOTHER STORY“The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.”

Bede Jarrett

At first this was exciting –

I could be of help to people!

But I noticed that I began to get irritated by my job as taxi service. I began to wonder why I was responsible for the transportation needs of so many people, baggage and animals.

(You would not believe how a vehicle can stink after a goat has been in it, not to mention your clothes. My wife always knew immediately when I had transported a goat.)

This was their country, right? Shouldn’t they be capable of arranging transport themselves? Why should they be so dependant on this bature (white man)?And my irritation turned into anger – anger at the incompetence and stupidity of these people.

Sometimes I was so frustrated and 'out of my mind' that I would make no effort to avoid the muddy puddles in the road as I was driving. The huge, powerful wheels of my car would make large splashes, to the direct disadvantage of any hapless pedestrian or biker within reach.

Oh my sweet God in Heaven – can there ever be forgiveness for such a deed?

“A man is about as big as the things that make him angry.”

Winston Churchill

DON’T GET MAD!

GET ………….How would you fill in the blank?

Earlier in this series on expat anger we spoke about Anne Dickson’s book “A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You”. Click here for that post. Anne writes that anger can be a source of energy and determination that propels a person to act powerfully and assertively. It can also be a creative force.

We talked about anger being a creative force for positive change.

Dickson also talks about 'assertiveness' as an opposite force from anger.

She then speaks of assertiveness, and challenges us to think about the relationship

between anger and assertiveness.

Moving from anger to assertiveness can help us deal with anger positively. Dickson speaks of 11 fundamental rights we all have.

Even expats and global citizens have these rights - even if you are a foreigner, stranger or alien in a place that is not your native home. Simply because you are a human being, you are endowed with certain 'unalienable rights' (the pun possiblities here I'll leave for another day), wherever in the world you find yourself.

1I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of any roles that I may assume in my life.

2I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.

Dickson’s Eleven Rights1I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of any roles that I may assume in my life.

2I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.

3I have the right to express my feelings.

4I have the right to change my mind.

5I have the right to have the right to ask for what I want.

1I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of any roles that I may assume in my life.

2I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.

6I have the right to say "yes" or "no" for myself.

7I have the right to say I don't understand.

8I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems.

1I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of any roles that I may assume in my life.

2I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.

9I have the right to make mistakes.

10 I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.

11 I have the right to express my opinions and values.

The trick is to convert your anger or irritation into assertiveness - standing on the rights you have.

This is not always an easy task. Expats are brave people, willing to take risks, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are less insecure than everyone else. And asserting yourself in a strange culture and language can be very intimidating.

The most important thing to remember is that these rights first of all need to

be anchored in your head and heart.

How you assert them on the street is the second step.

If they are not deeply embedded in you, you will have no foundation to build on, and your attempts to be assertive will not seem any different than what an angry expat expresses.

Ex expat angerI think I am a guy who can think fairly well and clearly about things. I enjoy it. Thinking through issues, solving problems, gaining new perspectives and being creative gives me energy.

I also have a very practical side. Theory is great, but I need to know what I can do with it, most of the time.

Listen, I realize there is no practical use for enjoying a Beethoven symphony in a concert hall. That thought doesn’t reduce my pleasure one note.

But still. I almost always want to know what I can do with the things I am thinking about, what practical effect they have on my life.

So now I am nearing the end of a blogseries on expat anger. True to my nature, it has been a mix of theory and concrete story.

You need to know two thingsNow it’s time for another practical example, but before I tell you what that

is, I need to tell you two other things.

The first is that my wife and I are repatriating to the United States after more than 30 years abroad. We have been to the US for some short furlough or sabbatical periods, but on the move, or ‘just passin’ through’, as they say.

But now we are heading back for good in terms of country of residence, although I expect we will travel back to Europe and other places regularly. [Don’t worry – this won’t affect our work at Isolated internationals!]

The second thing is that I am a bionic man – in 2008 a pacemaker was fitted under the skin by my left shoulder. It sounds more dramatic than it is. I had what is called Bradycardia, which refers to a resting heartbeat of under 60 beats per minute. It is not life threatening, and usually only is symptomatic when the heart rate goes consistently under 50 beats per minute.

Which mine was doing. So after a number of tests to determine cause (in my

case unknown) and eliminate other issues (there were none), I received a simple pacemaker designed to keep my heartbeat above 61 beats per minute.

So what? You’ve probably by now guessed where I am going with this. Yep, US health insurance.

A pacemaker is considered an existing condition (which it is). The facts - you have had extensive heart tests to rule out heart disease, the condition is not life threatening, and the resolution obvious and measurable (my heartbeat cannot fall below 60 even if it wanted to) - do not affect your eligibility for individual general health insurance.

You will be declined with no questions asked.

I guess you could say this is a recipe for ex-expat anger.

According to my own theory:

I shouldn’t put a lid on it (which is why I’m telling the story here).

I should try to think about why I am angry (That’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? Or is it?).

And I need to turn this into a positive and creative force (Yeah, right. Me against the American profit-driven health care institutions).

EXPAT ANGER:

BECOME AWAREDon’t be afraid to be honest about whether and how your irritations and frustrations are growing into anger.Admit your struggles!

CHANNEL YOUR ANGER POSITIVELY

If you are angry, the chances are there’s a good reason. It means you care about something or someone who is being mistreated. Turn your

anger into a positive force for good.

ASSERT YOUR RIGHTSEveryone has rights, expat or not, foreigner or local. Identify and stand on the rights you have. Learn to assert yourself in reasonable and

productive ways, so that both you and those around you can benefit.

COMMUNICATE WELLLearn how to read the signals coming from the other person, and how you can best convey what you intend to convey. Body language is an important tool.

ISOLATED INTERNATIONALS

WE HELP GLOBAL CITIZENS WITH TOOLS TO OVERCOME ISOLATION.

You have a choice about what to do with your anger. In this concluding section on expat anger we refer again to Anne Dickson's book 'A Woman In Your Own Right' for some concluding thoughts.

The primary one is not new, but often we need to be reminded of it:

you have a choice about what to do with your anger.

The emotion of anger can overcome you, but you do have a choice about what to do with it.

Dickson indicates four possible ways of relating to others, and I encourage you to think about these as you deal with frustration, tension, misunderstanding and even anger:

In relating to others I can be….

Passive

Giving up my rights

Aggressive

Forcing other to give up their rights

Indirect

Manipulating others to get what I want

Assertive

Ensuring that my rights are respected as well as respecting the rights of others

Body LanguageDickson also helps us think intentionally about how body language impacts how we understand each other, and I would suggest you spend some time to think about your own body language and how you interpret the body language of those around you.

BE AWARE OF

YOUR BODY

LANGUAGE!!Some tensions and frustrations are rooted in misunderstandings rooted in language and body language issues.

DISTANCELearn what is the most comfortable distance for you - and those around you. This is very significant in helping you react and interact in a healthy way with your environment.

EYESFind out whether those from the other culture look directly at the one

they are speaking with, or not. And what that means.

MOUTHBe aware of the position of your shouldeers, jaw and chin. They can commiunicate aggressiveness when you don’t intend to. Smiling to disguise tension can backfire!

VOICEPay attention to how voice tones affect commands and questions in language

APPEARANCEYou will want to be comfortable with your own appearance, while not being offensive to your surroundings. Not always an easy balance.

www.isolatedinternationals.com

Twitter: @isointerEmail: norman@isolatedinternationals.com