21 relationship red flags · 2015-11-06 · the first time my pastor met my wife (who was my...

21 Relationship

Red Flags

Traps We Often Overlook in Others & in Ourselves

Nate and Kesha Holloway

Red Flag #1: They Are Not A Believer Or

Don’t Have A Strong Spiritual Foundation

KeshaThis is the ultimate red flag and although most single Christians know

they should not be unequally yoked with a non-believer, they often

compromise in this area in the hopes that they could “change” the other

person. Let’s face it...anyone can become what you want them to be in

order to win you over but think about this from a long term perspective.

What’s going to happen once they have you? They will reveal their true

colors and now you are stuck in a marriage with a person you really don’t

know and in some cases don’t even like. Your mate should have his or

her own personal relationship with God where they don’t depend on you

to be happy because their joy is in the Lord.

NateThis red flag is very serious because the strength of your spiritual

foundation can make or break your household. It is especially critical for

women to make sure that in the beginning the man they are dating and

may marry one day has a strong personal relationship with God. If you

choose to marry him, the strength of his spiritual foundation and

relationship will be the controlling factor in your home. How he prays

and what he says will control the outcome of every situation in the

home. It’s crucial for a man to have a woman with a strong spiritual

foundation because while he is praying and speaking over his house and

family, he needs a woman who will be praying for him and helping him to

keep the home together.

21 Relationship Red Flags| © 2015 Nate and Lakesha Holloway | www.KingdomRelationships.net

Red Flag #2: They Have No Vision

KeshaOne of the initial questions we typically ask the other person is “What do

you do?” While this is a very important question because you would like

for your future mate to have a job, have you ever asked them, “What is

the vision you have for your life?” Your job does not define you. Your

identity can only be found in Christ Jesus. To find out who you are you

must first know whose you are. Challenge the other person to have a

vision that is outside of their 9-5 and seek God to reveal to you the

purposes and plans he has for your life.

NateWhere there is no vision, the people perish...Proverbs 29:18. This

scripture is so important in life. If they person you are dating has no

vision, what can they do for you? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! They must first

have a vision for themselves and then they must have a vision for life

with you. A lack of vision will literally destroy your relationship and your

life. A successful relationship and marriage are impossible without a

vision.


Red Flag #3: They Push Your Boundaries

KeshaStranger Danger! Stranger Danger! Yes, adults can experience this just as

much children; however, the difference between an adult and a child is

that adults have maturity and experience on their side. If you don’t set

clear expectations at the beginning of the relationship or friendship, your

boundaries are bound to be pushed. Safe people will not only respect

your boundaries but also have a few of their own for you. There is

nothing mean or selfish about establishing boundaries with the person

you chose to be in a relationship with, but it is selfish to have

expectations that a person cannot fulfill. At the core of this is

communication so speak up or you will get walked over!

NateTell him on the first date that you will not be having sex until you are

married and see what happens. This is something I tell single women all

the time. When you tell a guy that, he will either laugh and leave, stay

and honor your boundaries, or he will stay and push your boundaries to

see if you really meant what you said. When a person pushes your

boundaries that you have set, they don’t respect you. And if they don’t

respect you, they definitely don’t love you.


Red Flag #4: They Break Your Trust

KeshaWhat’s your trust quota with others? I ask this because most people have

one whether they would like to admit it or not. These quotas are

typically based off of past relationships, parental relationships, sibling

relationships and so much more. The more a person breaks your trust,

the more a wall begins to form around your heart. However, you must be

careful not to associate the actions of one irresponsible person for a

completely trustworthy person. When dating, get to know the other

person. Look for red flags. Don’t fall in head over heels and miss the

questionable areas of integreity. Always hold the other person

accountable and don’t make excuses for breaches of trust. This will save

you from a lifetime of pain.

NateTrust is huge in relationships. Especially for women. Trust is defined as

reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or

thing; confidence. You are literally relying on the other person to be

honest with you about everything. When trust is broken at the beginning

of the relationship, that’s a sign of how it will always be if you marry

them.

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot

be trusted with important matters. - Albert Einstein


Red Flag #5: They Freak Out

KeshaA serious turn off of both men and women is a person who freaks out

over everything. Freaking out is also a sign of wanting your own way. It is

also a sign of immaturity. Adults should be capable of controlling

emotions and responding to any situation, good or bad, with dignity and

class. We don’t always choose what happens to us, but we certainly

choose how we respond to it. If something is completely appalling, a

person can make a choice on how to handle it. A person who

demonstrates a level head in difficult times is a keeper. Rough times are

certain for sure and you want someone and want to be the one who is a

problem solver, not a problem enhancer.

NateThe problem with freaking out is that they freak out over little things.

Things like, “They didn’t call,” or “They didn’t text me back,” or “I saw

them talking to someone else.” I’ve experience that in a past

relationship. I dated a girl who would freak out when I spoke to a female

classmate. Or if I was in a study group that had females in it. Freaking out

only makes the other person think that you are crazy and that they need

to move on. If something bothers you, talk about it in a civilized manner.

Because if they freak out over everything now, it's not going to get better

because you marry them.


Red Flag #6: They Periodically Disappear

KeshaI had a friend who would always say, “Inconsistency leads to loneliness.”

She would lay this on the guy she was seeing who would disappear for a

week or two and then call her or show up on her doorstep and try to

sweet talk his way back into her life. A person like this probably sets off

many of the red flags on this list. If someone really wants to be with you,

they can’t wait for the next time to see you. When they repeatedly

disappear and then show up or call, they are probably spending their

time away with someone else.

NateMany times when a person disappears on a regular basis that’s a sign of

fear of commitment. They are afraid of the work that comes with being

in a relationship. And as long as you allow them to keep leaving and

coming back, they will never stay and commit to you.

“People will continue to do only what you allow them to do.”


Red Flag #7: They Lie

KeshaWhen I was single, I use to tell my girlfriends that I couldn’t stand a lying

man. In fact, it was something that I despised. The Bible even says that a

lying tongue is an abomination (Proverbs 12:22). God can’t stomach liars

so why should I? Think about it this way, don’t you prefer keeping

company with those who keep their word? It speaks to their integrity.

You want someone who isn’t afraid to tell you the truth even if it hurts.

Someone who constantly lies to you is not protecting you. They are

keeping you from making an informed decision about YOUR future.

NateThe first time my pastor met my wife (who was my girlfriend at the time),

he pulled me to the side and said to me, “never lie to her son!” “She is

big on integrity.” Lying will destroy your relationship quicker than

anything. Because you have to tell one lie after the other to keep the

other person from finding out the truth. And the more lies you tell, the

deeper the hurt will be and the harsher the consequences.


Red Flag #8: They Become Too Attached

KeshaHave you ever had a friend that disappears when they start seeing

someone knew? You go for weeks at a time and not hear from them, but

as soon as the relationship ends, they are ready to hang out again.

Remember that you had a life before the relationship. It is important to

nurture new relationships but don’t let it consume you. New love is so

sweet. You just want to talk to that person and be around them all the

time, but you must have balance. You should enjoy your new relationship

but don’t forget about those who were with you before you met that

person. They were there before and they will be there for you when that

person is gone.

NateThis is where a lot of people mess up in the relationship. And most times it

happens very early. They get clingy, they want to spend every moment of

the day with you, and they want you to want to do the same. Then they get

mad if you want to do anything that doesn’t include them. Then they

wonder why you start to either start ignoring them or you end the

relationship altogether. THEY’RE TIRED OF YOU!!! You both should have

your own set of friends as well as friends you have together. You should

spend time apart from each other every now and then. My wife and I love

spending time together. But every now and then, we do something apart

from each other either with friends or just things we love to do individually.

The reason we can do that is because we did it when we were just dating.

You have to do this in the beginning so you won’t push each other away.


Red Flag #9: They Try to Change You

KeshaWhen someone tries to change you, they are not only slapping you in the

face but they are also telling God they don’t like the way He created you.

Now, there are areas where we can all use some improvement. If a

person cares about you, they would suggest these changes in a manner

that builds you up and not tear you down. In fact, it may be in areas

where God has already prompted you to change. Never let someone

assassinate your character just so they will feel better about themselves.

Remember, you were uniquely designed by the creator of the world. I

believe He knew what He was doing when He had you in mind.

NateI know this one all too well. I dated a woman who only wanted me to do

everything she liked. Many of the things I was passionate about, she

never wanted to be a part of. But I stayed in the relationship and gave up

many of my passions because I thought she would eventually change.

But she didn’t. You should never try to change a person. They have to

change on their own in order for the change to be sincere and stick.


Red Flag #10: They Always Need

Something from You

KeshaRelationships should be mutually beneficial. No one should constantly

take from you. Have you ever had a friend that every time you talk to

them you were left emotionally drained? They completely dump on you

and now you are carrying all of their problems. No one wants to live like

this and no one really wants to be that person who does this to others.

Be intentional with your relationships but don’t be a pushover. If you

can’t handle the conversation, communicate it with the other person.

Establish boundaries and stick to them. You will be a much happier

person because of it.

NateWhen a person constantly needs something from you in a relationship,

they are using you! A successful relationship is when both people are

giving 100%. They’re both receiving because they’re both giving. I believe

that the man should give more. And not because he is forced or

manipulated to do so. But because he wants to do so out of his love for

her. When someone is constantly taking and not giving anything, they

have their own agenda. They will take until you can’t give anymore. And

as soon as you stop or can’t give them anything, they will leave and go to

the next person. My wife was planning our wedding with me when I

didn’t have a job. And the reason for that is because she knew that once

I was able to, I would do everything in my power to give her the world.


Red Flag #11: They Never Own

Up To Their Mistakes

KeshaOne of the biggest tests of character is whether or not a person can own

up to his or her mistakes. Face it, we are humans and we miss the mark

at times. No one is ever right all the time. I once heard someone say,

“Even when I’m wrong, I’m right.” This is a person you would never be

able to trust. They will hold their ground when wrong and rub it in your

face when they are right. You never want to be in a relationship with this

person because he or she will never make a sacrifice for you. You will

always be given and he or she will always be taking from you. That’s not

face and it’s not what relationships are supposed to function. Pay

attention to this red flag. It could potentially save you from a lifetime of

pain.

NateA person who never owns up to their own mistakes will always hold you

accountable for every little mistake you make. They will make you feel

small and meaningless. They do that so they can always hold themselves

on a higher pedestal from you. They want to present themselves as

always being perfect. You will never be able to do anything right with

them. They will blame you for every problem in the relationship.

Everything will be your fault. When I broke up with my girlfriend in

college, I used to tell everyone that it was all her fault that we broke up.

Then one day I realized that it was two of us in that relationship, so

everything could not have been her fault. I contributed to it also. As my

wife said previously, pay attention to this red flag. It could potentially

save you from a lifetime of pain.

Red Flag #12: They Don’t Get

Along With Your Friends

KeshaA huge sign that a person won’t get along with you is if they don’t get

along with your friends. When a person doesn’t get along with any of

your friends, find out who their friends are. If they don’t get along with

anyone, then the common denominator is them and there will come a

time when this personality flaw will wreak havoc in your relationship.

NateThe only reason the person you are dating does not get along with your

friends is because your friends see something in them that is not good

for you. So, what they will do is always cause trouble between you and

your friends or try to get you to end the friendship to keep your friends

from telling you what they see. Most of the time, they only want you to

be friends with their circle of friends. And if they are bad for you, just

imagine the effect their friends will have on you.


Red Flag #13: They Make You Feel Guilty

When You Speak Your Mind

Kesha“I want freedom for the full expression of my personality” is a quote by

Ghandi and there is a lot of truth here. You don’t necessarily want this

freedom to act disrespectful or hurtful, but you do want this freedom to

be able to freely communicate how you feel to the person you are

getting to know. If you don’t feel safe in expressing your feelings with the

person you are in a relationship with then why are you with them? You

should be able to speak your mind knowing that they will truly hear you

and care about what concerns you.

NateWhen someone is always trying to make you feel guilty, it's because they

have something to hide. They feel that if they can make you feel bad, you

won’t pay a lot of attention to what they are doing. It also shows that

they don’t care about your feelings at all.


Red Flag #14: You Never See Each

Other/Communicate ONLY through Text

KeshaA few months before I met my husband, there was this guy who

communicated with me through Facebook and text messages. He would

often tell me that he wanted me to come hang out with him. I would ask

him to just let me know when, and he would never get back to me. Then

a few weeks later, I would get another message with him telling me the

same thing. When Nate decided that he wanted to know more about me,

he made it happen and the rest is history. Don’t waste your time with

someone who does not value your time or plays with your emotions. You

can’t have relationships through text messages and you can’t get to

know someone if you never communicate.

NateCommunication is more than just words. It's body language, touch, eye

contact, etc. Communicating through text is not good for two reasons.

You can’t hear the tone in their voice and you can’t physically see them.

And it's a huge problem when you you’re in a relationship with someone

and you never see them. You can’t build a relationship through text

message. Who are you going to hug or go on a date with, your phone?

When a person only communicates with you through text and you never

see them, it shows a lack of integrity and maturity and that they are

clearly not interested.


Red Flag #15: They Often Talk

About Their Ex

KeshaWould you purchase a product from a salesperson if they talked about the

competition all the time? You purchase a product because the salesperson

tells you how that product will make your life better, right? So, why would

you date someone who constantly talks about their ex? Good or bad, it’s a

complete turn-off. Women fall into this trap due to hurt they have

experienced from a former boyfriend. They start dating the next guy, often

times too soon, and we babble about how we were done so wrong by the

other guy. The man that you are with only hears, “I’m vulnerable!” He then

has every opportunity to take advantage of the situation. When you are

dating someone, you take the opportunity to get to know them. Guard your

heart. If you share information about your past, make sure you are healed

of your past. The new person should be sharing with you about the qualities

they like about you and a future mate. Move on from the past and embrace

your future.

NateWhen someone is constantly talking about their ex, that's a sign that

they are not over them, or they have forgiveness issues. This is a huge

problem because what they are really doing is comparing you to their ex

and they are waiting for you to the same things. So, until they can let go

of the past and release the hurt from their ex, they will never be good for

a relationship.


Red Flag #16: You Never Know

Where You Stand With Them

KeshaThis is a red flag that most women miss. Typically, the guy is showing us

that he is just not into us, but we can’t see it. Because he still

communicates with us in some manner, we misconstrue this attention

for love or like but it is neither. Point blank...he is wasting your time

because he has nothing else better to do. He probably does not want to

be alone and you are something to do to bypass the time. When you ask

him where you stand in the relationship with him, he tells you that he

likes “kicking it” with you or “You cool people.” He can never clearly

articulate why. One thing men can sense out is a desperate woman. Set

appropriate boundaries and never be afraid to share that you are not

happy with how you are being treated.

NateSince my wife just talked about how guys do this, I’m going to talk about

the women. Lol! I believe women started doing this because they got

tired of men doing it to them. Many women do this by putting men in

the “Friend Zone.” When you ask where you stand with them, they

respond with. “You’re such a good friend, I don’t want to mess up our

friendship.” But they continue to allow you to take them out and do

things for them knowing that you have feelings for them. So you have to

set boundaries of what you will and will not do and how you want to be

treated.


Red Flag #17: They Don’t Have a Good

Relationships With Their Family

KeshaIf the person you want to start a relationship with does not have a

healthy relationship with the members of their immediate family, how

will they ever cultivate a relationship with you? Don’t get me wrong,

every family has their issues. However, if they don’t get along with

anyone in their family, it’s pretty obvious that they are the common

denominator and the problem may be them. How people interact with

their mother and father says a lot about how they will interact with you.

Ask if they had a healthy childhood and if they felt loved by their parents.

If they did not have a healthy childhood, ask how has it affected their

adult life? Have they resolved these issues or are there still harboring

feelings of unforgiveness? It is very important for you to know this about

the person you could potentially marry. If they don’t get healing from

their past, they will bring those negative feelings into a marriage.

NateThis is something you should know early in the relationship. Seeing how

the person you are dating interacts with their immediate family gives you

an idea of how the will be if you get married and start a family together.

Ladies, watch how he treats his mother. This will tell you how you will be

treated. And men, watch how she responds to her father. This will show

you how she will respond to you. Healthy family interaction is a tradition

that will continue throughout many generations.


Red Flag #18: You Notice Questionable

Comments and Posts through Their Social

Networks

KeshaSo you just started dating a new person and you notice that someone of

the opposite sex has tagged them in a post on Facebook saying, “Thanks

for the great time last night” or “Look at the shiny bling I just received

from that special someone.” What would you do? This happens all the

time and is easy for someone to blow off. It’s important that you pay

attention to how they post on social media. Are their posts encouraging

or uplifting or are they constantly complaining or having something

negative to say. How people post on social media says a lot about their

life.

NateThis is something you should know early in the relationship. Seeing how

the person you are dating interacts with their immediate family gives you

an idea of how the will be if you get married and start a family together.

Ladies, watch how he treats his mother. This will tell you how you will be

treated. And men, watch how she responds to her father. This will show

you how she will respond to you. Healthy family interaction is a tradition

that will continue throughout many generations.


Red Flag #19: That Something

Isn’t Right Feeling

KeshaWe’ve all felt it. That something isn’t right feeling. You may not be able to

put your finger on it, but something inside of you is uneasy. Never deny

this feeling. It is the Lord’s warning to you. He is protecting you from

harm. Many times we fail to ask questions because we don’t even want

to know. We don’t want to lose that person and we think asking

questions could run them away. If that person is for you, they would

want to answer those questions. They want to be open and honest with

you so that you feel secure around them. If you express your feelings to

the person you are in a relationship with and they shut down, BEWARE.

Who knows what else they could be hiding that could be potentially

harmful to you.

NateKesha said it all! This is a warning signal! When you get that feeling, you

must act on it immediately. As Kesha said, it’s a warning from God that

something is not right with that person. And that you need to pay

attention and investigate. If you have a feeling that they are cheating or

lying about something, you may be right. Never ignore that feeling. It

could determine the course of your happiness in the relationship.


Red Flag #20: You Find Yourself

Covering For Them

KeshaExcuses. Excuses. Excuses. This is not only a relationship red flag, but it is

an integrity red flag that speaks of you and not the other person. If you

are covering for the person you are seeing, their integrity is not the only

thing in question but so is yours. If someone really cares about you, they

would not put you in a position where you have to cover for them. What

are they hiding? Or is it something about them that is embarrassing to

you? If so, you need to express this to them and be open and honest

about your feelings. You must communicate with the person you are

seeing. If you can’t openly express your feelings to them now, you will

never do it in a marriage.

NateWhen the person you are dating allows you to cover for them when they

are wrong, they are clearly taking advantage of you. So many women

cover for the man they are dating because they think he loves them. But

I can tell you that he won’t the same for them. You should never cover up

a person’s wrongdoing. Because when it comes to light, you will either

get into some kind of trouble or look really stupid. If you truly love them,

you will allow them to be held accountable for their own actions.


Red Flag #21: They Constantly Talk

KeshaThere is nothing worse than someone who loves to hear the sound of

their own voice. We’ve all experienced it. They have an opinion about

everything. I use to have a friend that would follow-up everything I said

with, “Not only that but….” It made me feel as if what I said was

important or they thought their view of the situation was more accurate

than mine. A person who constantly talks shows that they don’t value

what you have to say nor do they care about you. They want you to know

how great they are or how much they know. If a person truly wants to be

with you, they will ask questions about you and encourage you to

express yourself. They will value your opinion and will come to you for

your insight.

NateProverbs 18:2 says, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only

in expressing his opinion.” A person who is always talking in a

relationship will never know and understand how you feel and what you

want. Why? Because they aren’t listening. And honestly, they aren’t

trying to understand you because they're all about themselves. You want

the person you are dating to want to be more about you and less of

themselves.


Thank you! Connect with Us!

Nate and Kesha Holloway are the founders of Kingdom Relationships, a movement designed to teach Biblical principles for God-centered relationships to those who are single, engaged and married. They also teach on family and workplace relationships. They provide teachings on overcoming obstacles to create and sustain healthy, long-lasting relationships. Learn more about their ministry at KingdomRelationships.net.


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21 relationship red flags · 2015-11-06 · the first time my pastor met my wife (who was my...

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