SCENE 1

Outside the HoHman House .Hotel, CORNELIUS, Bl\R~l\BY,l\IIKME F:\ Y, l\IRS. l\IOLLOY, CO:\ClIl\J:\N, HORSE, in Si1lWll-ette, at rise.

l\IRS. },10LLOY

(As lights come up).. Mr. Hackl. we've just loved looking at the lights of

Fourteenth Street these past four hours. but now per-haps you'd better call a hack or we won't get to theHarmonia Gardens on time. Oh, there's one! Yoo hoo!

CORNELIUSOh we couldn't do that, Mrs. Mollov! It's not the moneyor anything like that. it's just th

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

CORNELIUS tvIRS. MOLLOY

EXERCISE YOUR \\'ILDEST \VHIMS TONIGHT\VE ARE OUT V/ITH DIA1\10ND JIMS TONIGHT

MINNIE

Of course if you want to be really elegant. ...

J\IRS. J\10LLOY & MINNIE\Ve do!

ALL

COULD THEY BEMISLEADING US

CORNELIUS & BARNABY

SILVER SPOONS \\lERE USED FOR FEEDINGUS

\VE GOT ELEGANCEIF YOU AIN'T GOT ELEGANCE

ALL

YOU CAN NEVER EVER CARRY IT OFFMIDDLE CLASSDON'T SPEAK OF ITSAVOIR FAIRE\VE REEK OF ITSOME \VERE BORN \VITH RAGS AND

PATCHES BUTWE USE DOLLAR BILLS FOR MATCHES AND

CORNELIUSYOLl walk.

CORNELI US & BARNABY

YES, NE\V YORKIT'S REALLY USBARNABY ANDCORNELIUS

MRS. J\10LLOY & MINNIEALL THE GUESTS OF MR. HACKL AREFEELIN' GREAT AND LOOK SPECTACULAR

\VHAT A KNACKTHERE IS TO THATACTING LIKE A BORN ARISTOCRAT\VE GOT ELEGANCEIF YOU AIN'T GOT ELEGANCEYOU CAN NEVER EVER CARRY IT OFF

MINNIE

CORNELIUS

VANDERBILTCO\VTO\VS TO US

BARNABY

J.P. MORGAN SCRl\PES AND BOWS TO USALL

WE'VE GOT ELEGANCEWE \VERE BORN WITH ELEGANCE

ALL \\THO ;\RE\VELL-BRED AGREEMINNIE F,-\YHAS PEDIGREE

72 I 73

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

CORNELIUS

I-L\VE YOU NOTICED \VHEN I HOLD tvlY CUPTHE SAUCER NEVER I\10VES

t\,1RS, I\10LLOY

Yes, I\.1r. Hackl?

CORNELIUS LtIii

MRS, I\10LLOY

A:\,D THE \V,\Y I KEEP I\IY PINKY UPINDUBITABLY PROVES

Mrs. Molloy, as we start inside, may I , ..

MRS, MOLLOY

Yes, Mr. Hackl?

ALL

THAT \VE GOT ELEGANCE\\'E GOT BUILT IN ELEGANCEAND \\,IT1-1 ELEGANCE ... ELEGANCE ...ELEGANCE ... ELEGANCE ... ELEGANCE\VE'LL C\RRY IT OFF!

CORNELIUS

May I put my arm around your waist?

MRS. MOLLOY

(TIlEY exit, followed by HORSE doingsame step as Harmonia Gardens scrimCUl1lC~ in. A moment, ;l1ld THEY re-enter,1I0W exhausted)

\VE COT ELEGA?\CEIF YOU AIN'T GOT ELEG,\NCEYOU Cr\N NEVER EVER CARRY IT OFF\VE GOT ELEGANCE ...

Ye5, 1\1r. Hackl. .. ' But I might as well warn you, acorset is a corset.

(As THEY exit, AMBROSE and then ERl\IENCARDEstart on, lIE'S still practicing his dance steps,SHE'S still \veeping)

ERMENGARDE

... But I don't want to be all the stage. I just want toget married!

I\lRS. MOLLOY AMBROSE

CORNELIUS

Of course we are, Mrs. I\10110\'! ... Barnaby!Uh, 1\ Irs. Molloy .

7-+

You heard Mrs. Levi! This is the only way to show youruncle we mean business! Now can' you' weep a iittlefaster, you're throwing me off step, ... Faster!That's it!

(As THEY exit, VANDERCELDER enters and meetsERNESTINA-the heavy-set CJRL we first saw inAct I, Scene l-who has hurried on dressed ill

Oh look Minnie, they're counting their money again!Isn't that just like the rich? Well, gentlemen, aren't yougoing to escort us in?

I 75

HELLO, DOLLY!

gaudy )'CllolV dress, bahy pink shoes, and sportinga huge white boa. \'('hen SHE sees him SHE adoptsa seductive pose and bleats at the top of herlungs. , . .)

ERNESTINA

S\VEET ROSIE O'GRADY!~IY S\\,EET LITTLE ROSE.

(\',-\:\DERCELDER looks at her, thcn ataudience, then takes her arm and THEYexit Left into Harmonia Gardens aslights C011le up slowly behind scrimand we find ourselves .... )

76

SCEN E 2

... In the Harmonia Gardens Resraurant. A grandstaircase Center, two curtained-off private dining roomsLeft and Right. RUDOI.PII, the Harmonia Gardens fairlyPrussian major-domo, is at Center OJ] thc staircase bark-ing orders. His staff of WAlTERS at attention,

RUDOLPH

U nd it is my order, as headwaiter of the HarmoniaGardens, und your supreme commander, that tonightof all nights, our usual lightnillg service will be twice aslightning as ever, or else!

(lIE blows \\'histle, MOSIC up and W.-\ITERSbegin rapid-fire sequence of precision crosseswith rravs, napkins, etc. Suddenly ~IUSIC cutsoff, ALL freeze, as curtains opcn sharplv ondining room Rigllt and CORNELIUS, ~IRS.MOLLOY, MINNIE FAY, and BARNABY start in ...RUDOLPH, sharply)

trust you are finding this table satisfactory, sir. Theprivate dining rooms cost a bit more but they do affordthe best view of the entertainment.

BARNABY

(\\'ho's been counting money through this)One dollar, Cornelius. That's all that's left.

CORNELIUS

Are you sure? Count it again!

I 77

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

MRS. l'vIOLLOY VANDERGELDERPrepare yourself for a big night, Minnie. We're out withtwo of New York's best-known sports!

Chicken! Chickens arc dear!

RUDOLPHBARNABY

Und paste rnaisson, sonp de jour, uud pommcs souffles!I did make a mistake, Cornelius. It's only ninety cents.I'll count it once more. VANDERGELDER

CORNELIUS Whv didn't YOU tell me this was an oriental establish-ment, we'll t~lke two bowls of rice, now get out!

(And VANDERCELDER hastily leaps tor thecurtain and ~"l1lks it shut as l\[tJSIC up and moreW,\ITERS zip back aIlCI forth with trays, icebuckets, etc. and curtains open 011 diningroom Right)

No, don't! We can't afford it!

(And COR=-'ELIUS pulls curtain 011 dining roomHight shut as RUDOLPH blows whistle. l\IUSICup and SE\'ERAL W,\ITERS bearing travs, skewers,etc. zip hack and forth. Through this RUDOLPHhas crossed stagc and emerges trom Left diniJlgruom as curtain) opcn dining room Left,rC\'caJing \'.\~DE]{CEI.DER and ER=-'ESTINA whois busil~' rcpairillg her already ample make-up )

T\IINNIE FAY

... I'm sorrv, Mrs. Mollov, but I couldn't order anythingat these prices, I really couldn't!

RUDOLPH

I hope this table will be large enough, Mr. Vander-gelcler. You see Mrs. Levi told me nothing about yourbringing \,our ... \om ....

CORNELIUS

VANDERGELDER

Great grindstones! What a sensible girl! Waiter, bringus four glasses of beer, S0111echeese, and a loaf of yester-day's bread.

:\f:; personal physician!

(To ERXESTIN.\.)

... That's cnough rouge, Doctor!

MRS. T\IOLLOY

Yesterday's bread! 011 Cornelius, now J know how youkeep half of New York in stitches all the time!... Minnie, have you eyer eaten pheasant?

RUDOLPH CORNELIUS & BARNABYBut l\ Irs. Levi onlv ordered a chicken for two! Pheasant!

7~ II I 79

HELLO, DOLLY!

(CORNELIUS sbms curtain shut, WAITERcomes down stairs carrying champagne bottle.As curtail! opens Left dining room, HE trips,cork shoots out of bott 1c and HE lies prostrateill front of VA;-.iDERGELDER)

ERNESTINA... Say, let's order something to hold us 'til the ricecomes! Waiter, would you bring a roast suckling pig withchestnut and oyster stuffing, cheese fondue, and someladyfingers .... Now, what'll you have?

(Curtains close and WAITERS zip back andforth with trays, etc. CRNESTINA sticks herhcad out) .

lIey, make that two suckling pigs! On rye toast!(.\ Iore WAITER crosses and curtainsopen dining room Right)

:\fH.S. l\10LLOY

It's sweet of you to worry about our digestion, Cornelius,but l'm sure the pheasants are fresh.

(To RUDOLPH)

. \\'e']] take four, please, and a nice red wine.

CORNELIUS

Wait a minute! No wine!

l\lRS. MOLLOY & MINNIENo wine?

CORNELIUSChampagne] It's once in a lifetime, Barnaby! Cham-

80

HELLO, DOI"LY!

pagne ... and Neapolitan ice crcarnl And Barnaby, gi\cthe bandleadcr five cents and tell him to play the Wash-ington Post March, we want music while we dinc!

(TWO W.'~ITERS cross ... ONE takes chickenfrom OTHER by stabbing it with aSH.\SHLIK skewer. As THEY exit, curtainsopen Left dining room)

ERNESTINASay, this is a cafe, isn't it? Let's dance!

VANDERGELDER

The Vandergelders do not dance, Miss Moncv.vVe're Presbyterian.

ERNESTINA

All right, I'll dance myself. Give him two dollars forthe bandlcadcr, will you? And tell him to play somethingrefined .... t\ hootchv-kootchvl. .

(v ;\NDERGELDER "anks her imide, curtainsshut, more wAlTER crosses)

BARNi\.BY

All right, Cornelius, I'll send for the band, but promiseyou won't order anything else!

(:t>lUSIC up then VANDERCELDERappears with purse in hand)

You wait here, Miss Money! I'll tell them to playa nicewaltz!

(And VANDERGELDER and BARNABY trying tofind an available \V.'\lTER become embroiled

I 81

HELLO, DOLLY!

in the melee which builds as WAITERS movetaster and faster until entire clockwork ofcrossing WAITERS moves at lightning precisionspeed. A freeze, and the ballet ends.TOII'arc1 end at ballet, V:\NDERGELDFR andBARNABY exit. During applause THEY return ...\ .. \NDERGELDER, to a W.UTER)

Look, you, give this to the bandleader and tell him topla y a waltz.

BARNABY

(To ANOTHER W.\ITER, O\erlapping endof VANDERGELDER)

. Here's five cents for the bandleader, would you tenhim to playa ...

ERNESTINA

(Peering out from behind curtain)

Whoopeeecl

V:\:t-\DERCELDER

(Dropping purse and rushing back)

Miss Money:

CORNELIUS

And two more pheasants, please!

BARNABY

(Dropping wallet and rushing back)

Cornelius!

82

HELLO, DOLLY!

VANDERCELDER

(By this time W.\ITERS have picked up bothpurse and wallet and started across stage)

1\1)' purse!

BARNABY

Mr wallet!

VANDERCELDER

(Runlling to wrong WAITER)

Here you, that's my purse!(And HE suuts back with BARNABY'S wallet)

BARNABY

(Taking VANDERGELDER'S purse fromwrong W.-\.ITER)

Excuse me, but that's my wallet. I know it's mine be-cause there's nothing in it but a dollar, three dimes, fivepennies and a ...

(Finds a roll at bills). Cornelius. Cornelius!

Did he say two pheasants? Three! Four! Pheasants forthe house! And never mind if we don't see the whaleI'll buy one of my own.

(HE exits into tIle alcove, as RUDOLPHgoes to toot ot stairs. STANLEY runs in)

STANLEY

Sir! Sir!

I 83

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLI.Y!

RUDOLPH RUDOLPH

... What's this? Shouting? How many times have Itold you not to shout, boy? This is the Harmonia Gar-dens Restaurant, not one of those.

(As hubbub begins through this)

It's true, yah! She just stepped out of a white and goldcarriage, pulled by six black horses with scarlet plumes ...

STANLEY COOKBut, sir, she's here! The lady! After ten years! Ach, Rudolph! It's like old times again!

RUDOLPH STANLEYWhat? Are you sure, boy? (\Vho has re-entered down the stairs)

STANLEYSir!

Like you told me, sir ... eight o'clock on the nose uppulls a carriage and out steps a tall lady with red hairand ...

(HE can't be heard through the babble)Sir!

RUDOLPH

(A shout)Rudy!

(A sudden freeze of silence)

She's here!

(~nJSIC up as every eye goes to thehead of the stairs, the portieresmove and ~1RS. LEVI steps through,red hair done up magnificently011 top of her head, SHE descendsstairs as WAITERS, etc. await herfirst words)

It's she! Mrs. Levi! She's back!

(His reserve forgotten, all excitement,as COOK rushes on itotu Left. STANLEY goesup stairs and off)

1ST COOK

... Rudolph, is it true? I heard somebody laughingoutside the kitchen window and it sounded like ...

RUDOLPH

It is! It's Dolly! ... Fritz! Tell the band! She just steppedout of her carriage!

I\lRS. LEVI

2ND COOK

HELLO, HARRY\VELL, HELLO LOUIEIT'S SO NICE TO BE BACK HOME \VHERE

r BELONGRudolph, it's true, no?

84 I I 85

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

YOU'RE LOOKIN' S\\,ELL, l'dANNYI CAN TELL, DANNYYOU'RE STILL GLO\VIN', YOU'RE STILL

CRO\VIN'YOU'RE STILL GOIN' STRONGI FEEL THE ROOt-.l S\VAYIN'FOR THE BAND'S PLAYIN'Oi\E OF l\lY OLD FAVORITE SONGS FR01\l

\VA)' BACK 'WHENSO BRIDGE THAT GAP, FELLASFIND 1\1E AN El\'!PTY LAP, FELLt\SDOLL Y'LL NEVER GO A\VAY AGAIN

MEN

MENPROt-.lISE YOU'LL NEVER CO A \V AY AGAIN

MRS. LEVII \VENT A\VAY FROM THE LIGHTS OF

FOURTEENTH STREETAND INTO MY PERSONAL HAZEBUT NO'V THAT I'M BACK IN THE LIGHTS

OF FOURTEENTH STREETTOMORRO\V \V1LL BE BRIGHTER THAN THE

GOOD OLD DAYS

MENTHOSE GOOD OLD DAYS

HELLO, DOLLY\\,ELL HELLO, DOLLYIT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK WHERE

YOU BELONGYOU'RE LOOKING S\VELL, DOLLY\VE CAN TELL, DOLLYYOU'RE STILL GLO\VIN', YOU'RE STILL

CRO\VIN'YOU'RE STILL GOIN' STRONG\VE FEEL TI-IE ROOM S\VAYIN'FOR TI-IE BAND'S PLAYIN'ONE OF YOUR OLD FAVORITE SONGS FROt-.'l

\\' AY BACK \VHEN

1\[RS. LEVI

SO HERE'S ?vlY HAT, FELLASI'M STAYIN' \\,HERE 1'1\1AT, FELLA5

ALL MENHELLO, \\/ELL HELLO DOLLY\VELL HELLO, HEY LOOK THERE'S DOLLY

MRS. LEVI

GLAD TO SEE YOU HANK, LET'S THANKMY LUCKY STAR

:MENYOUR LUCKY STAR

MRS. LEVIYOU'RE LOOKIN' GREAT, STANLEYLOSE SOME \VEIGHT, STANLEY?DOLL Y'S OVERJOYED AND OVER \VHELMED

AND OVER PAR

86 I I 87

HELLO, DOLLY!

II

J\'IEN

I HEAR THE ICE TI;-JKLESEE THE LICHTS T\VINKLEJ\1\'"D YOU STILL GET GLANCES FR01\!I US

IIANDSOME MENSO ...

J\[RS. LEVI

GOLLY GEE, FELL~SFI1'\D 1\[E .\ VACANT KNEE, FELL\S

!\.fEN

DOLL y'LL NEVER GO A\VAY AGAIN(.\ DAKCE follmvs with 1\1RS. LEVI and 1\1EN )

\:\'ELL, \\,ELL HELLO DOLLY\\,ELL HELLO, DOLLYITS SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK \VHERE

YOU BELONGYOU'RE LOOKIN' S\\,ELL, DOLLY\\'E C\N TELL, DOLLYYOU'RE STILL GLO\VIN', YOU'RE STILL

CRO\VIN'YOU'RE STILL GOIN' STRONGI HEAR TIlE ICE TINKLESEE THE LIGHTS T\VINKLEAND YOU STILL GET GLANCES FROJ\'I US

HANDSOJ\1E MEN SO

J\IRS. LEVI

\VO\V \VO\V \VO\V, FELLAS

MEN

HEY, YEH!

88 I

HELLO, DOLLY!

l\,IRS.LEVI

LOOK AT THE OLD GIRL NO\V, FELLAS

MEN\VO\\1!DOLL y'LL NEVER GO AWAY AGAIN.

(After applausc there is btiei reprise on which 1\1ENexit. MRS. LEVI gets ERNESTINA from dining roomLeft who exits doing same step after last \\'AITEH)

ALLI HEAR THE ICE TINKLESEE THE LIGHT'S T\VINKLEAND YOU STILL GET GLANCES FROIVl US

IlANDSOJ\[E MENSO....

(l\IUSIC continues)

COOKSDOLL y'LL NEVER GO AWAYDOLL y'LL NEVER GO AWAY-

(:\LL exit except xms. LEVI. A momcnt, rhcnV.-\'NDERGELDER enters bumps into l\IRS. LEVI)

VANDERGELDER

Excuse me, girlie ... Dolly! Dolly Gallagher! What areyou doing in that get-up? And you're a half hour late!And I demand an explanation of ...

J\:IRS.LEVI

Ernestina!

I 89

HELLO, DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER

She wanted to do the hootchy kootchy!

III!

MRS. LEVI

Well, she always was artistic! Horace, I"111going to haveour table moved down front. There's someone in thedance competition I particularly want you to see.

(W.-\ITERS enter and set table and two chairsin rapid precision form, then exit. RUDOLPHstands at attention)

. Now don't let's say another word about it I'm asshocked as YOll are Lcan't-eat-a-thing-what-have-you-ordered?

VANDERGELDER

What you wanted ... a chicken! Now see here, Mrs.Levi, about that hootchv kootchy girl ...

l\tlRS. LEVI

Did VOLl say a chicken, ob I don't think I could face achicken, not a chicken, 1I0t today, not after what's hap-pened.

VANDERGELDER

Good! Then cancel the chicken!

l\IRS. LEVI

And bring a turkey!

( DOLLY parts curtains and peers into dining room)

HELLO, DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER

What are you doing now?

MRS. LEVI

Nothing. Just looking the place over. Getting acquaintedwith the surroundings.

VANDERGELDER

That's the trouble with you, Dolly. Always wanting toknow everything! Always putting your nose into otherpeople's affairs. Anvbodv who married you would get asnervous as a cat.

f MRS. LEVIWhat? What's that you're saying?

VANDERGELDER

I said anybody who married you would ...

MRS. LEVI(Crossing to table, and sitting)

Horace Vandcrgelder, get that idea right out of yourhead this minute. I'm surprised that you even mentionedsuch a thing. Understand once and for all that I have nointention of marry you!

VANDERCELDER

Ididn't mean that!MRS. LEVI

Well I certainly do hope not! Horace Vandergelder, yougo your way, ..

HELLO, DOLLY!

III'

(SHE points Right witll one hand)

. . . And I'll go mine!

(A windup with other hand, then SHEpoints insame direction as first hand)

I'm not some Irene Mollov whose head can be turnedby a few chocolate covered 'peanuts ... unshelled! Whythe idea of you even suggesting such a thing!

VANDERGELDER

Mrs. Levi, you misunderstood me!

rvIRS. LEVI

Well I certainly do hope not!(RUDOLPHand WAITERSenter with tood and wine)However we won't discuss it any more, here's the

waiter with our food. I'll serve Mr. Vandergelder,Rudolph.

(SHE starts serving him)Here's some white meat for you, and dumplings . . .lighter than air they are ... and some giblets, very tenderand very good for you. No, as I said before, you go yourway ....

(SHEpoints with the spoons. SHEhas managed to geta bit oi tood on second spoon and as SHE\vhips it forward .... )

... And I'll go mine.(It flies tllrough the air just missing VANDERCELDER.RUDOLPHhas meanwhile poured his wine)

Now you start right in on the wine and you'll feel better

92 I

HELLO, DOLr,Y!

at once. However, since you brought the matter up,there's one more thing I ought to say.

Vi-\NDERG ELDER

I didn't bring the matter up at all!

MRS. LEVI

(And SHE starts loading her own plate with tood)

One more thing I ought to say before we forget all aboutit. It's true I'm a woman who likes to know everythingthat's going 011; who likes to manage things; but Iwouldn't like to manage anything as out of control asyour household.

VANDERGELDER

It's not out of control!

MRS. LEVI

Very well, let's not sav another word about it. Have somebeets, Horace, they're good.

VANDERGELDER

I don't like beets!

l\!RS. LEVI

(Sen'ino beats 31l\WJ)!), b ,

That's good! No, Horace, a complaining, quarrelsome,friendless soul like you is no sort of companion for me.You salt your beets ....

(She salts her own)

I 93

HELLO, DOLLY!

And I'll salt mine ....

(SHE salts his. RUDOLPH exits)

VANDERGELDER

Will you stop saying that!

II

MRS. LEVI

I won't say another word.

VANDERGELDER

Good!

MRS. LEVI~

Except this.

VANDERGELDER

I won't listen!

MRS. LEVI

Then have some more beets. They're good.

VANDERGELDER

I don't like beets! I hate beets!

MRS. LEVI

(Piling them on his plate)

That's nice. Now dig right in. Yes, the pity of it is youcould be a perfectly charming, witty, amiable man if youwanted to.

94 I

HELLO, DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER

(Rises)

I don't want to be charming!

MRS. LEVI

But you are. Look at you now. You can't hide it. Nowsit down, Horace, and let's talk of something else. Butbefore we change the subject there's one more thing I amgoing to say.

VANDERGELDER

I don't want to hear it! And you're wasting your time,Dolly Levi! I won't ask you to marry me!

MRS. LEVI

I suppose that means you want me to ask you. Well I'msorry, Horace, I'm turning you down.

VANDERGELDER

How can you turn me down when I haven't asked youanything?

MRS. LEVI

It's no use arguing. I've made up your mind. Here, letme cut your wings ....

(SHE cuts turkey 011 his plate)

VANDERGELDER

I've got a headache, I'm going back to my hotel.

;"" .MRS. LEVI\ ~ > ,

You can't go now. The dance competition's about tobegin.

I 95

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

VANDERCELDER VANDERCELDER

I I(Taking out BARNABY'Swallet)

Here's the money to pay for the dinner. Here's. twentydollars ... Wait a minute! There's nothing in here buta dollar, three dimes, five pennies and a button! Thisisn't my purse! I've lost my purse!

Wait a minute! That man! That dancer!

MRS. LEVI

CORNELIUS

Isn't he wonderful! With talent like that he's sure towin the solid brass Clip!

(And the Dance Competition begins. It is a polkaas l\fRS.LEVI indicated and through this beginningsection VARIOUSCOUPLES, EACH tagged with a num-ber, start onto the floor. Scmewheie through thisCORNELIUSenters)

(Peering out of alcove)

Barnaby, that purse you found ....

~/IRS. LEVI CORNELIUS

BARNABY

Come along, Mrs. Molloy. It's been a perfectly wonder-ful evennig but I'm afraid we're going to have to cut it abit short.

Impossible! I can't imagine you without your purse!

It's Vandergclder'sl Cornelius, we better get out of here! MRS. ~10LLOY

VANDERCELDER (Hearing the music)

Minnie, a polka! Cornelius, I simply must have onedance!What am I going to do? I've never been here before, they

don't know me! Stop eating that turkey! I can't pay forit! BARNABY

(Through following, l\lORE and MORE COUPLES,including Al\IBROSEand ERl\lENCARDE,start on)

But Vandergelder is right there! We've got to go!

MRS. MOLLOY1,lRS. LEVI

We will go! ... But we'll dance our way out!

(And the BOYSare soon part of dance. At climax ofpolka, just as RUDOLPH is about to award the brasscup to ERl\lENCARDEand At--lBROSE,VANDERGELDERsuddenly spies CORNELIUS)

Horace, it's the latest thing ... a polka! And there's onedancer I particular want YOLI to see. Rudolph, move ourtable right down front so Mr. Vandergelder can betterobserve his graceful movements.

96 I I 97

HELLO, DOLLY!

VANDERGELDERCornelius IIackl!

tCORNELIUS SCENE 3

Mr. Vandergclder ...

BARNABY

( ... In the Courtroom. JUDGE'S Bench, PRISONERS'Docket. Present arc T\VO POI.ICEl\IEN. COURT CLERK,and JUDGE at Bench. Squeezed in Docket arc VA\'-DERGELDER, CORNELIUS, ]\IRS. l\IOl.LOY, BARNABY, l\IIN-

NIE, RUDOLPH, AMBROSE, ER]l.IENGARDE and .\.SSORTEDDANCERS, WAITERS, etc. Through all of this l\1RS. LEVIremains at her table and cats and cats and eats. Andcats. )

V.\NDERGELDERBarnaby Tucker!

:Mr. Vandergclder ...

(A "Waaah!" from somewhcre behind)

V"\NDERGELDERJUDGE

... Quiet! Quiet! That's better! Now, you're all chargedwith disturhing the peace, assault and battery, inciting toriot, and several other equally serious violations of thelaw of this city! Is there anyone here to speak in yourbehalf? I say, is there anyone here to speak in yourbehalf?

Ermengardc!

(And general melee begins as V:I.NDERGELDERsnatches brass cup from ER1\L\NG:\RDF., throws it toground, confusion, whistles, arrna] of POLICE,MUSIC throughout. \\1e hear RUDOLPH shouting,"Officer, arrest that mall I" etc. Through thisset begins to change, Docket and JUDGE'S Bcncharc hrollght on, Courtroom Drop starts in andwe find ourselves .... )

(Silence. Then J\1RS. LEVI, who l]as becn eatingthrough entire scene, crosses to Bench and handsCOURT CLERK her card. HE hands it to JUDGE)

Mrs. Dolly Levi ... Counselor at Law!

J\1RS. LEVI

Your Honor ... The defense rests!

(Buzz from Docket)

... In fact the defense does 1110rethan just rest, it abdi-cates! In favor of the only real culprit, Horace Vander-gelder of Yonkers, New York!

98 I 99

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO" DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER V ANDER GELDERDolly! I'll do it again!

MRS. LEVI

The one man responsible for these grievous charges ofcruelty to a poor unfortunate minor!

(ERJ\1ENGARDEwails)

... Would you mind repeating that, dear.

(SHE does it again)CORNELIUS

CORNELIUS

You've done it again too. But even if YOll hadn't I'd stillsay what I have to say. ... I don't know much about dis-turbing the peace or inciting to riot, but I do know thatwhat happened to me today, which is the most importantthing that can happen to a man, might never have hap-pened if I'd obeyed your orders and stayed in Yonkers,New York! Your Honor, I am talking about none otherthan .... Love!Begging your pardon, Mrs. Levi, but if it please the courtI have something to say.

MRS. LEVI VANDERGELDER

What? You're trying to tell me that after thirty-threeyears you've fallen in love because you take one eveningoff?

The very person to sum up for the defense. Go rightahead, ~1r. Hackl, and I'm certain you'll find no moreimpartial and unbiased listener than the man I see beforeme on that bench!

. Goodnight, Your Honor, CORNELIUS

Oh no, Mr. Vandergelder. I didn't fall in love with Mrs.Irene Molloy of this city in just an evening. An hour!Even that's too long! What's less than a minute!

JUDGE

Goodnight, cousin Dolly!

(And l\IRS. LEVI cautions him to"ShhIJIJ!" as SHE hastily exits)

MINNIE FAY

A second!

VANDERGELDERCORNELIUS

Cornelius Hackl, if you dare to testify against me, you'llbe discharged! Less than that!

CORNELIUS MINNIE FAY

You've already done that, Mr. Vandergelder. A ... a moment!

100 I I 101

HELLO, DOLLY!

COR0.'ELIUS

That's it!

(As l\IUSIC comes up, to CLERK)... I'll go slowly so you can get it all down.IT ONLY TAKES A ~-IO~1ENTFOR YOUR EYES TO ~1EET AND THENYOUR HEART KNO\\'S IN A ~10'\IENTYOU vVILL r\EVER BE ALONE AGAINI HELD HER FOR AN INSTANTBUT ~IY AR~IS FELT SURE AND STRONGIT ONLY TAKES A ~10MENTTO BE LOVED A \VHOLE LIFE LONG ...

(l\IUSIC continues as CORNELIUS speaks with quietnaive sincerity first to the JUDGE and then graduallyto the entire audience)

... Isn't the world full of wonderful things? There I satcooped up in Yonkers for years and years and all the timewonderful people like Mrs. Molloy were walking aroundin New York and I didn't know them at all! I don't knowwhether you can all see from where you're sitting, , , wellfor instance the way her eve and forehead and cheekcome together up here, Cal{ you? I tell you right now afine woman is the greatest work of God on Earth! Youcan talk all you like about Niagara Falls and the Pyramidsthey aren't in it at all. Of course I've seen women beforebut today I talked to one equal to equal, and they're sodifferent from men! And they're awfully mvstcrious, too,I bet YOU could know a woman a huncfred 'years withoutever being really sure whether she liked vou or not. To-day I've lost so manv things, Mv job, my future, e\'cry-thing that people think is important, but I don't care!Even if I 118\'e to dig ditches for the rcst of my life, 1'11be a ditch digger who once had a wonderful day,

102 I

HELLO, DOLLY!

CLERK

I missed a few words back there, Mr. Hackl. Right after'it only' , , ,

ALL IN DOCKET(A bellow at CLERK)

, , , TAKES A ~IOl\IENT!BUT HIS ARl\fS FELT SURE AK'D STRONGIT O;'JLY TAKES A l\10l\-lENT

MRS, MOLLOY

HE HELD l\IE FOR AN INSTANTBUT I-IlS ARl\IS FELT SAFE AND STRONGIT ONLY TAKES A 1\rOl\IENTTO BE LOVED A \\'HOLE LIFE L00.'"G

CORi"ELIUSAl\'D THAT IS ALLTHAT LOVE'S ABOUT

l\IRS, l\10LLOY

AJ\'D \VE'LL RECALL \VHEN TI~IE RUI\'S OUT

BOTIITHAT IT ONLY TOOK A l\IO)'IENTTO BE LOVED A \\'IIOLE LIFE LONG!

JUDGE(In tears)

, Dismissed, dismissed! All dismissed! All exceptHorace Vanc1ergeldcr of Yonkers, New York! You're all

I 103

HELLO, DOLLY!

dismissed! You're frce, my children! And bless you! Go,go ....

(lIE exits. {ol1O\\'illg E\'ERYO:-\E ELSE, le~l\'ingY.\:-\DERCELDER alone in Docket. POLICHUNenters \\'jth :'I.IRS. LE\,I)

POLICE:\IAN

You can see the prisoner now, Mrs. LC\'i!

i\IRS. LEVI

\\'ell, Horace, there's your life. Without niece, withoutclerks, without bride and without your purse. It lookslike there's only one more thing to say ...

VA;\,DERGELDER

If it's to ask me to marry you, Dolly Gallagher, never!l\' ot ill a million years! U nder no circumstances will Iever marry you!

i\lRS. LEVI

Oh that wasn't it at all, Horace, all I wanted to say to you\\'as ....

(SHE sings)

GOODBYE!

VANDERGELDER

\Vhat?

l\IRS. LEVI

GOODBYE!

10-+

HELLO, DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER

Now hold on, Dolly ...

i\IRS. LEVI

It's too late, Horace. I've failed. And when a womanfails, there's nothing else she can say....

VANDERGELDER

Wait!

MRS. LEVI

But ...

VANDERGELDER

Hey!

MRS. LEVI

GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYEGOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYEDON'T TRY TO STOP i\lE HORACE PLEASE ...WAVE YOUR LITTLE HAND AND \VHISPERSO LONG DEARIEYOU AIN'T GONKA SEE l\IE ANYl\IOREBUT \\'HEN YOU DISCOVER THAT YOUR LIFE

IS DREARYDON'T YOU COl\1E A KNOCKIN' AT i\lY DOORFOR I'LL BE ALL DOLLED UPAND SINGIN' THAT SONGTHAT SAYS YOU DOG, I TOLD YOU SOSO \VAVE YOUR LITTLE HAr\D A;\'D '''I-IISPER

I 105

HELLO, DOLLY!

SO LONG DEARIEDEARIE, SHOULD I!AVE SAID SO LONGSO LONG AGOBECAUSE YOU'VE TREATED 1'.1 SO ROTTEN

AND ROUGHI'VE HAD ENOUGH OF FEELIN' LO\VSO \VAVE YOUR LITTLE HAND AND \VHISPERSO LONG DEARIEDEARIE \VOULD I-IAVE SAID SO LONGSO LONG AGO

(SHE takes his hat and cane. The RedDrop comes down in back of her)

FOR I CAN HEAR TIIAT CHOO CHOO CALLIN'1'.'lE ON

TO A FANCY NE\\, ADDRESSYES, I CAN H;\R THAT CHOO CHOO CALLIN'

1'.1E ONON BOARD THAT IIAPPINESS EXPRESSI'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE AND DRINK

AND S1'.10KE A CIGARETTE1'1'.1GUN AS FAR A\VA Y FROl\l YONKERS AS A

GIRL CAN GET

(i\IUSICAL break)

And 011 those cold winter nights, Horace ....

(i\IUSICAL break)

You can snuggle up to your cash register.

(MUSIC\.L break)

It's a little lumpy but it rings!DON'T COl\1 A KNOCKIN'

106 I

HELLO, DOLLY!

I'LL BE ,'\LL DOLLED UPAND SINGIN' THAT SONGTHAT SAYS YOU DOG, I TOLD YOU SOSO HORACE, YOU \\TILL FIND YOUR LIFE A

SAD OLD STORY\VHEN YOU SEE YOUR DOLLY SHUFFLE OFF

TO GLORYOH I SHOULD HAVE SAID SO LONG. , .

. , By the way, the wedding's eleven o'clock tomorrowmOfl1mg.SO LONG AGO!

(Lights up, as FeecI Store comes clown into position.VANDERGELDER is seated on chair)

VANDERGELDER

(To himself), And I wouldn't marry you, Dolly Levi, if you were

the last woman on earth. Not if you asked me a milliontimes. I didn't need YOLl before and I don't need younow. Dolly Levi, you go your way .. , .

(HE points) .. And I'll go mine.

(And HE points in same direction.Realizing at last ... )

Dolly, ..(A shout as lIE bangs on trapdoor)

.. Dolly! !

CORNELIUS

You stamped, Mr. Vandergelder?

I 107

HELLO, DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER

What? Oh, SO it's you, is it, Mr. Hackl? Come crawlingback, have you?

CORNELIUS

No. Mr. Vandergcldcr! I just stopped by for my onehundred and forty-six dollars and thirty-five cents. Yousee, I've decided to go into business and since the onlybusiness I know is hay and feed, I'm opening my ownstore.

MRS. MOLLOY

(Entering)

And Cornelius has found the perfect location, Mr. Van-dergelder. Right across the street from you.

VANDERGELDER

So you think you can compete with Vandergelder's, doyou? Well, just you try!

BARNABY

(Entering)Ahem!

VANDERGELDERAha! Another one come crawling, is it? What do youwant?

BARNABY

My back salary for the past four months ... Six dollarsand twelve cents!

108 I

HELLO, DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER

You can't do this to me, any of you! I'll go to the courts!I'll get lawyers! I'll ... I'll ...

~IRS. LEVI(Sweeping in)

Whv, Horace Vandergcld er, as I live and breathe, if vouaren't handsome in that outfit! So few men nowadavshave the courage to wear faun vellow and puce.

VANDER GELDERDolly Gallagher!

~IRS. LEVI

I know just what you're going to sav, Horace. you're notsatisfied with Ernestina. Well, I have another girl forYOll, the ideal wife, but don't let me interrupt you, youwere doing something, what were you doing?

t-.IRS. MOLLOY

Getting Cornelius' money, Dolly, one hundred and forty-six dollars ....

CORNELIUSAnd thirtv-five cents.

BARt\ABYPlus six dollars and twelve cents of mille!

ERt\IENGARDE

( Upstairs with A:\IBROSE)

And the money my I\IaI11111J left me ....

I 109

HELLO, DOLLY!

AIVIBROSE

Fifty-two dollars and forty-eight cents!

VANDERCELDER

Thirty-eight!

AMBROSE & ERIvlENGARDE

Forty-eight!

VANDERCELDER

. All right, all right! If it's the money you want, thesafe is upstairs.

(THEY exit quarreling audibly over sums oi money)

i\lRS. LEVI

Monev, money, money, money, rnoncyl Mr. Vander-gelder's money. It's like the sun we walk under ... it cankill or cure. Vandergelder's never tired of saying thatmost people in the world are fools, and in a way he'sright, isn't he? Himself, Irene, Cornelius, mvself Yes,we're all fools and we're all in danger of destroying theworld in our folly, but the surest way to keep us out ofharm is to gi\'e us the four or five human pleasures thatare our right in the world ... and that takes a littlemoncv. Now the difference between a little nioncv andand no money at all is enormous ... and can shatter theworld! And tile difference between a little monev and anenormous amount of money is ycry slight, and that canshatter the world too. It's all in how you use it. As mylate husband, Ephraim Levi, used to say, moncy ... par-don the expression .. is like manure. It's not worth athing unless it's spread around encouraging young things

110 I

HELLO, DOLLY!

to grow! Anyhow, that's the opinion of the second Mrs.Vandergelder! Which reminds me, Ephraim, I'm readyfor that sign!

VANDERCELDER

(Coming downstairs as WORnL\~appears through door)

Well, don't Just stand there! That goes upstairs!

l\IRS. LEVI

Well, Horace, as I was saying, I've found you the idealwife.

VANDERGELDER

Dolly Gallagher, I don't want you to find me no idealwivesl If I want an ideal wife, I'll find one of my own,and I've found her! And it's you, damrnit! -

:t\IRS. LEVI

Why, Horace ...

VANDERGELDER

I know I've been a fool about Mrs. Molloy ,1I1d that otherwoman, but Dolly, forgive me and marry' me'

MRS. LEVI

Horace ... stop right there!

VANDERGELDER

\Vhat do you mean?

I III

HELLO, DOLLY!

l\HZS.LEVI

You know as well as I do, Horace, that you're the firstcitizen of Yonkers. And yom wife would have to be asomebody. Answer me, am I a somebody?

VANDERGELDER

You are, wonderful woman!

MRS. LEVI(Crossing to caress cash register)

Oh, you're partial. No, Horace, it won't be enough foryou to load your wife with money and jewels, to insistthat she be a benefactress to half the town ... Bv theway, it's bad business letting Cornelius open a store ~rightacross the street from you. Better take him back and lethim be your partner.

VANDERGELDERPartner?

MRS. LEVIAnd Barnaby can have Cornelius' old job!

VANDERGELDER

Now see here, Dolly. , .

MRS. LEVIThat way we'll all be together so we can dance at Ennen-garde's wedding!

VANDERGELDERThat docs it! You've gone too far, Dolly! I'll dance at no

112 I

BELLO, DOLLY!

weddings! Besides, I don't know how and it would takeme weeks, months, years to learn ....

(Reads card SITE extends to him)

... All right, I'll dance.

MRS. LEVI

1Horace! I never thought I'd hear YOl1 say a thing likethat!

(WORDIAN appears upstairs)

VANDERCELDER

That front room, idiot! Well, go on! What are you wait-ing for?

l\1RS. LEVI

Horace Vandergclder, what is going on up there?

VANDERCELDER

Oh, nothing, r just thought I'd have that front roomdone over in blue wallpaper.

MRS. LEVIHorace ...

VANDERCELDER

I know the old paper ain't worn out, yet, but that fclla'sjust set up ill business and needs a good start YOLl see,Dolly, I've always felt that mOllcy, pardon the expression,is like manure. It's not worth a thing unless.

I 113

HELLO, DOLLY!

MRS. LEVI

(Looking out)Thank you, Ephraim!

VANDERGELDER

HELLO, DOLLY\\TELL, HELLO, DOLLYITS SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE \\'HERE

YOU BELONG

(Takes hcr hand and leads her ccnter)I NEVER KNE\V, DOLLY, \VITHOUT YOU,

DOLLYLIFE \VAS A\\'FULLY FLAT, AND l\IORE THAN'

THAT\\'AS .\ \\'FULLY \\'RONG

(TIlEY dancc)

l\IRS. LEVI

SO, HERE'S l\IY HAT, HORACE1'l\1 S'L\ YI1\" I lERE 1'1\1AT, HORACEDOLLY'LL NEVER GO A\VAY

V,\i\DERGELDER

\Vonckrful woman!

BOTIIAGAIN!

(l'I1HS. LEVI punches cash registcr. Lights out andspot up 011 ~1RS. MOLLOY and CORKELIUS upstairs)

114 II

HELLO, DOLLY!

MRS. l\'lOLLOY & CORNELIUS

HELLO DOLLY, \\TELL 1IELLO, DOLLYITS SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK \VHERE

YOU BELONG(OTlIER PRIKCIP.-\LS enter)

ALL

(\\"AITERS cnter!YOU'RE LOOKI~' S\\TELL, DOLLY\VE CAN TELL, DOLLYYOU'RE STILL GLO\VIN', YOU'RE STILL

CRO\VIN'YOU'RE STILL GO!:'," STRONG

(t , ., t )D.-\KCINC PEOPLE en CI

ALL

TAKE THE SOl\IEONE \VHOSE AR1\IS YOU'REIN'

HOLD O~ TO HER TIGHT AND SPIN AND

(Feed Store goes off)ONET\VO-THREE. ON"E,T\VO-THREE,

ONE,T\VO-THREELOOK, 1'~1 DANCINGAS AROUND .'\ND AROUND YOU GOYOUR SPIRITS \VILL HIT THE TOP ,'\1\'DNO\\' THA'f 1'l\1 DA::-\CING \VHO CARES IF I

EVER STOP

lIE IIELD HER FOR .-\N INSTA:\'T

I 115

HELLO, DOLLY!

BUT HIS ARI\IS FELT SURE AND STRONGIT O~LY TAKES A I\:IOMENTTO BE LOVED A 'VHOLE LIFE LONG

(the "SUl\D.-\ Y CLOTHES" PEOPLE parade)

PUT O:'-JYOUR SU:'-JDAYCLOTHES '''HEN YOUFEEL DO\YN AND OUT

STRUT DO\VN THE STREET AND HAVE YOURPICTURE TOOK

DRESSED LIKE A DREAI\1 YOUR SPIRITS SEEMTO TURN ABOUT

THAT SUr\DAY SHINE IS A CERTAIN SIGNTHAT YOU FEEL AS FINE AS YOU LOOK

BENEATH OUR P,-\R.-\SOL THE \\'ORLD IS ALLA Sl\JILE

THAT l\IAKES YOU FEEL BRAND NE\V DO\VNTO YOUR TOES

(PRIKCIP.U.S are taking their bows Center,introduced by V.\NDERCELDER. \'ANDERCELDERbO\n last)

GET OUT YOUR FEATHERS, YOUR PATENTLEATHERS,

YOUR BEf\DS AND BUCKLES AND BOV/SFOR THERE'S NO BLUE l\IONDAY IN YOUR

SU1\'DAY CLOTHES(MRS. LE\,! enters through center alleyand crosses down to circle 011 runwav )

\\,ELL, \\,ELL, HELLO DOLLY\YELL IIELLO DOLLYIT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK \VHERE

YOU BELONG SO

116

HELLO, DOLLY!

l\IRS. LEVI

\\'0\\', \\'0\\', \\'O\V FELL\SLOOK AT TIlE OLD GIRL 1\'0\\', FELLAS

ALLDOLL )"LL I'\EVER GO ~.-\\\'AY :\G.\IN.

CURTAIl\"

I 117