FIRST PRINTING

Unpublished Copyright 1964 Stewart-Robinson, Inc.

CO?)"right © 1964 Stewart- Robinson, Inc. Copyright © .1964, 1966ny Michael Stewart and Jerry Herman. Lyrics and Music Copyright(,;) 1964 by Jerry Herman. All rights controlled by Edwin H. Morrisand Co., Inc. Used by permission only. All right reserved.

:\11 nght:, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part, inany form. are rcscrx cd under International and Pan-American CopyrightCouven tions.

C\UTION: Professionals and amateurs arc hereby warned thatHELLO, DOl.LY! being fullv protected under the Copvright Laws ofthe United States of America, the British Conunonwcalth. includingthe Dominion of Canada, and all other countries of the Berne andUniversal Copnight Conventions, is subject to rovaltv. 1\11 rights,including professional. amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing,public reading, radio and television broadcasting, and the rights oftranslation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

Application for stage presentations is to be made to Tarus-WitrnarkMusic Library, Inc., /')7 Third Avenue, New York, New York 10017.

"it'

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 68·21572

Prill/ed in U.S.A. byNOBLE OFFSET PRINTERS, INC.

NEW YORK 3, N. Y.

.~:?~~~;..

(

J!

._.i I ~~7(,)/'/-) ~

H-I}()l/I d /e J

HELLO, DOLLY! was first presented on January 16, 1964by David Merrick at the Sf. James Theatre in New YorkCity with the following cast:

( In order of appearance)

MRS. DOLLY GALLACHER LEVI

ERNESTINA

AMBROSE KE11PER

HORSE

HORACE V.\.NDERGELDER

ER11ENGARDE

CORNELIUS HACKL

BARNABY TUCKER

IRENE MOLLOY

MINNIE FAY

MRS, ROSE

RUDOLPH

JUDGE

COURT CLERK

Carol ChanningMary Jo Catlett

Igors GavanJail Lal'rade, Bonnie Mathis

David BurnsAlice Plavten

Charles Nelson ReillyJerry Dodge

Eileen BrennanSandra Lee

Amelia HaasDavid HartmanGordon Connell

Ken Ayers

TOWNSPEOPLE, \VAITERS, ETC,

Nicole Barth, Monica Carter, Carvel Carter, AmeliaHaas, [an Lal'rade, Joan Buttons Leonard, MarilyneMason, Bonnie Mathis, Else Olufsen, Yolanda Poropat,Bonnie Schon. Barbara Sharma, Mary Ann Snow, JamieThomas, Pat Trott.

Ken Ayers, Alvin Beam, Joel Craig, Dick Crowley, GeneGebauer, Joe Helms. Richard Hermauy, Neil Jones,Charles Karel, Paul Kastl, Ji111 Maher, Joe MeWherter,John ~1inea, Randy Phillips. Lowell Purvis, ~IIiehaelQuinn, Will Roy, Paul Solen, Ronnie Young,

V

Directed and Choreographed by Cower ChampionSettings Designed by Oliver Smith

Lighting by Jean RosenthalCostumes by Freddy \Vittop

Musical Direction and Vocal Arrangements by

Shepard Coleman

Orchestrations by Philip J, LangDance and IncidentaIl\1usic Arranged by Peter Howard

Assistant to the Director Lucia Victor

SYNOPSIS OF SCENESCurtain rises on Street Scene, New York City

in the 1890's,

ACT ONE

1. Along Fourth Avenue. New York CitvGrand Central Station

2, A Street in YonkersVandcrgcldcr's Hay and Feed Store, YonkersThe Yonkers Depot

3, Outside ~Irs, ~lol1O\"s Hat Shop,'Vater Street, !\:cw York City

Inside the Hat ShopA Quiet StreetFourteenth Street

ACT Two

I, III Front of the Hoffman House Hotel,on Fifth Avenue

Outside the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant,on the Batterv

/ Inside the Harmonia Gardens RestaurantPolka ContestA Courtroom on Centre StreetThe Hay and Feecl Store, Yonkers

VI V11

SCENE 1

CURTAIN rises on Street Scene, New York City in the1890's. VARIOUS TOWNSPEOPLE in stvlized poses ~vho singas CURTAIN rises.

ALL

CALL ON DOLLYSHE'S THE ONE THE SPINSTERS RECOMMENDJUST NA~1E THE KIND OF ~lAN YOUR

SISTER \VANTSAND SHE'LL SNATCH HIM UPDON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR MAIDE;\f

AUNTSAND SHE'LL MATCH 'KM UPCALL ON DOLLYIF YOUR ELDEST DAUGHTER NEEDS

A FRIEND

(Horsccar enters bearing SEVERAL LADIES,

newspapers in front oi their faces)

JUST 1\'AME THE KI~D OF ~lAN YOURSISTER \VANTS

AND SHE'LL SNATCH HIM UPDON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR j'vIAIDEN

AUNTSAND SHE'LL MATCH 'Etvl UPCALL ON ....

I 3

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY(

:l\IRS. LEVI JUST NAi\IE THE KIND OF i\L\N YOURSISTER \V.,\NTS

AND SHE'LL SNATCII HIM UPDON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR i\L!\IDEN

AUNTS

(On back of llorsccar, droppingher newspaper last. Applause.)

Dolly Levi!

(,\5 SHE hands calliIlg card to ERKESlI1\:\,a lJeJ1T-set airl)·

, b

(.-\'!\IBROSE KE1\lPER enters left)

AND SHE'LL i\IATCII 'Et-.I UPCALL Oi'J DOLLY ...

. That's right, Mrs. Dolly LC\'i, born Gallagher, mar-riages arranged! Unfortunatclv, I \\'011' t be ;1ble to offermy usual lightning service today as I have a previousappointment in the village of Yonkers, New York, arrang-ing the second marriage of Mr. Horace Vandergclderthe well-known half-a-millionaire ... as my late husbandEphraim LC\'i always said that means hc"s got at leastten thousand cash ... but I'll do 111Y best to have voucarried across somebodv's threshold' before the weekis out!

(Continuing as Sill: hands out cards)

I might also mention I'm available for Financial Con-sultation, Instruction in the Guitar and Mandolin, ShortDistance Hauling, and ...

(Glancing at EREKSTI:>iA)

National Monuments Restored!

(SIlE board Hotsccet \,']}ic11 gi"es illusion ofmOl'ing left as TOWNSPEOPLE cross right)

A~IBROSE KE~IPER

... Mrs. Levi, the train for Yonkers leaves in five minutesand if we don't get there on time.

xms. LEVI

(Getting off Horsccar )

But we will, l\1r. Kemper! And not onlv will HoraceVandcrgclder give you permission to Illarry his nieceErmengarde, even if you arc ~1poor struggling artist, buthe will dance at your wedding and not alone eitherbecause I happen to be engaged in finding him a suitablesecond wife himself! \\'hat he rcallv wants is someonestead, to clean the house, as my lat~ husband EphraimLC\'i always said marriage is a bribe to make a house-keeper thillk she's a householder!

A~IBROSEALL

CALL ON DOLLYSIlE'S THE ONE THE SPINSTERS RECO?-.lMEND

I know all about it, Mrs. L(Ti! Half New York says he'sgoing to propose to the widow i\10110) this very after-noon!

-+ I 5

HELLO, DOLLY!

:l\IRS. LEVI

Which is exactly why I'm OIl my way to Yonkers thismorning and can take on your case and knock off fourlovebirds with one stone or whatever I'll throw I'll seeonly well well well I seem to have nothing in my purseonly large bills, fives and sevens ...

A!\fBROSE

I'll buy your tieket for you, Mrs. Levi! But I just hopethis isn't a wild goose chase!

MRS. LEVI

(Handing out more cards)

And speaking of poultry I'm also available for FreshCountry Eggs, Poodles Clipped, Ears Pierced ....

(Suddenl)" stopping, looking at LAST GIRL again,haIlding her another card)

.... Pierced Ears Replugged.

AMBROSE

:l\Irs. Levi!

(SHE runs to join him)

ALL

JUST NA!\IE TI-IE KIND OF MAN YOURSISTER \VANTS

AND SHE"LL SNATCH HIM UPDON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR :l\IAIDEN

AUNTS AND SHE'LL MATCH 'E:l\l UP

6 I

It

In

t

I·

II E l. L 0, DOl. L Y !

CALL ON DOLLYIF YOUR ELDEST DA.UGHTER NEEDS

A FRIEND ...

Ar..mROSE

Tell me, Mrs. Levi, what's in all this for you?

MRS. LEVI

A living, Mr. Kemper. Some people paint, some sew.I meddle!

(Singing)

I HAVE AL\VAYS BEEN A \VOl\IEN \VIlOARRANGES THINGS FOR THE PLEASUREAND THE PROFIT IT DER IVES

I HAVE AL \VAYS Rl<EN A \\'Ol'vfAN \VIIOARRANGES TIIINGS LIKE FURNITUREA.ND DAFFODILS AND LIVES

(I-lands purse to AMBROSE)

\VHEN A :l\IAN \VITI-I A TIMID TOl"GUE

MEETS A GIRL \VITH A DIFFIDENT AIR\VHY SHOULD TIlE TORTURED CREATURES

BEAT AROUND THE BUSHWHEN HEAVEN KNO\VS MOTHER NATURE

AL\VAYS NEEDS A LITTLE PUSHSO I PUT :l\'lY I-lAND I~ HEREI PUT :l\lY HAND IN THERE

AND A GIRL OVER SIX FOOT THREELOVES A MAN \\'IIO COl\f.ES UP TO HER EAR

I 7

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

SURELY ITS OBVIOUS SHE'LL NEVER BESEDUCED

''I'lL SO"IE KIl\D SOUL CONDESCENDS TOGIVE I-II<:RBEAU A LITTLE BOOST

SO I PUT "11' I-lAND IN THEREI PUT 1\lY HAND IN HEREI 11:\\,E ,\L\\'_-\yS BEE~ A \\'O:\I:\\: \\'1-10

,-\RRANGES THINGSITS MY DUTY TO .-\SSIST THE LORD ABOVEI I lAVE !\L \\'AYS BEEN A \VOI\IAN \VHO

:\RR:\NGES THINGSLIKE LU:\TCIIEO:\T PARTIES, POKER GAMES

:\r\D LOVE::\IY "\PLU~IB AT COS:\[ETIC ARTTUH ..:\'ED A FRU:\IP TO i\ TRU.\IP LADY FAIRSHE 1 lAD 1\ COUA'TEi\':\l\CE "ALITTLE BIT

LIKE SCROOGEBUT on TODAY YOU \\'OULD S\\,EAR THE

LORD III"ISELF APPLIED THE ROUGE\\'lIE.:\' I PUT :\IY 11,,\.:\'0 IN HEREI PUT J\IY Il:\ND IN THERE!

(Short dallcc lIltcrluuc)

I PUT MY I lAND IN lIEREI '}'\\-"1ST A LITTLE. STIR A LITTLEIIIM A LITTLE, HER A LITTLESIL\PE A LITTLE, "IOLD A LITTLESOl\[E POOR CHAP GETS SOLD A LITTLE\\,HE1\' I USE J\IY F[S'!' A LITTLE50I\IE YOUNG BRIDE GETS KISSED i\ LITTLEPRESSURE \VITII TIlE THUMBSl\IATRIl\101\'Y COMES

\VIlEN, I PUT :\lY llANO IN THERE. , "

(Grand Central Olio ill)

AI\lBROSE

· , . ~ Irs. Levi!

l\lRS. LEVI

I know, ~Ir. Kemper, the Yonkers train is rcadv to leave!N OW, you go buy our tickets, get a window scat, ordera good hot lunch and I'll meet you all board. ...

(lIE exits as SHE comes dowll onto raurp )

· .. Ephraim Levi, I'm going to get married again" I'mgoing to marrv Horace Vandergcldcr for his money andsend it out circulating ~1l11ong the people like rainwaterthe wa y you taught me and I wa 11t a sign from you, some-time todav, that YOU approve. Oh, it won't he a marriagcin the sense we had one. but I shall certainly make himhappy. And I'm tired. Ephraim! Tired of "li\'ing fromhand to mouth so I want that sign, .. ,

A~mROSE

(CumiIJg (Jut of ~tatioll)

Mrs. Levi!

l\IRS, LEVI

· .. Something today!

" Now don't you \\"0 rrv , i\ lr. Kemper, we'll make thattrain, we'll get to Yonkers, vou 'Il marry Frmcngnrdc ...J ust leave c\crything to me!

8 II

[9

llELLO, DOLLY!

r-.1RS. LEVI

(C01JtilluecI)

H)H. \\'1[[0; \lY LITTLE PI:\J:(Y \\'IGGLES

SO~[E YOUNG ~L\IDEN GETS THE: GIGGLESTHEN I ~IAKE vtv KNUCKLES ACTIVE":\IY" HE S,\YS "SHE'S SO XITRACTI\'E"TIlEN I l\ 10\'E ~lY INDEX DIGITA:-\1) THEY BOTH BEGIN TO FIDGETTIll'S I CLENCH r-.IY PALI\l

TIlE PRE.\CIIER RE:\DS A PSAL\[\VIIE:\, I PUT 1\[1' IIAND IN THERE!

" SCENE 2

... In Yonkers, Ncv; Ymk, as the Har and Feed Dealer'sAssociatioll :\IL\lBl':RS march Oil ill b~iglJt orange outfits.pla~'illg various lllusical imtnllllcl1ts. Last is UOR.\CE VAN-

DERGFJ.DER. 'with bass drum, followed lw weeping ~'ollng

lad,-, FR\IE!'iC.\RDE, tmv circle the runwav. IH~D exit"lca~'illg L\NDERGEl.DER allcI ER~lENC:\RDE on Stage,

VANDERGELDER

. _ . Damn! How can I be expected to practice for theFourteenth Street Association Parade with all that bel-lowing in my cars'

ERI\lENGARDE

I can't help it, Uncle, Llovc Ambrose Kemper!

VANDERCELDER

And I say you're too youllg to be in 10\e with anybody!Here, take this!

(Thrusting drum into her arms)

ER i\IEN CARD E

I'm not too young! I'm seventeen, and in another vcarI'll be an old maid.

'.VANDERCELDER

W ell, I forbid it! Dare to be an old maid, Ermcngarde,and I'll eut you off without a cent!

10 I III

IIEI>LO, DOLLY!HELLO, DOLLY!

pIE hits drum, SHE screams)

... And don't cry in front of the store!VANDERGELDER

ERMENGARDENot yours, hell and damnation. mine! r mean, I'm get-ting ;11~lf[ied again. And in honor of that occasion I'vedecided to promote you, Cornelius, to chief clerk.

I can't help it! I'm unhappy!

(Running to enter Feed Store) CORNELIUS

VANDERGELDER And what am I now, Mr. Vandergclc1cr?

(Following her ill)

Then by thunder you'll go weep in your room where itwon't scare off the customers! And weep standing, rdon't want no salt stains on the pillows!

(HE stamps on f1oor by trap door)

... Cornelius! Barnaby!J

(Trap door opens and CORNELIUS

~l1d B.\RKABY appear)

VANDERGELDER, You're an impertinent fool, that's what you arc! And

I'm promoting you from impertinent fool to chief clerk.Any more questions?

CORNELIUS

Yes.

VANDERGELDERCORNELIUS \Vhat?

You stamped, Mr. Vandergclder? CORNELIUS

VANDERGELDER Does .. , does the chief clerk get one evening off a week?

[ did! I got news for you both! I am going to New YorkCitv this afternoon to march in the Fourteenth StreetAss~ciation Parade and when I come back you're goingto have a mistress.

VANDERGELDER

BARNABY

So that's the way you thank me for your promotion, isit? No, sir, you'll attend to the store as usual! Now getback to work!

(To audience)

.. , Evenings off, marrying artists ... Foolishness! Ninetynine percent of the people in this world are fools ... AndI'm too young, Mr. Vandergcldcrt

12 I 113

~

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

the rest of LIS arc in great danger of contamination! Whv,even I was once ~oung, which was foolish; and got mar-ried, which was foolish; and was poor which was morefoolish than anything else. Then my wife died which wasfoolish of her; I grcw older which was sensible of me; andbecame rich, friendless and mean, which in America isabout as far as you can go! (Starting down steps)Oh, I know "Jut you're wondering now. Whv a manof so much good sense should be planning anything asfoolish as getting married again. The answer's simple.This house without a woman would be an empty shell

. and pretty dirty, too!

(TWO MEN CUSTO~IERS have come into shop)

IT TAKES A \VO~lAN ALL PO\VDERED ANDPINK

TO JOYOlJSL Y CLEAN OUT TI-IE DRAIN INTHE SINK

AND n CL\KES A~ Al\'GEL \\lITH LONGGOLDEN L\SHES

A;\;D SOFT DRESDEN FINGERS

FOR DU~IPING THE ASHES

CORNELIUS, BARNABY.-\.:\D T\VO CUSTO~ IERS

YES IT TAKES A \\'Oi\IAN

A DAINTY \VOi\IANA S\VEETHEART, A ~dISTRESS, .'\ \VIFE

o YES IT TAKES A \VOMANA FRAGILE \VO~lA.NTO BRING YOU THE S\VEET THINGS IN LIFE

VANDERCELDER

(As )'IORE ~IEK appear)

THE FRAIL YOUNG MAIDEN \VHO'SCONSTANTLY THERE

FOR \VASIIING AND BLUEING AND SHOEINGTHE MARE

AND IT TAKES A FEi\fALE FOR SETTING THETABLE

i\ND \\lEANING THE G UERl"SEYAND CLEANING THE STABLE

ALL

o YES IT TAKES A WO~IANA DAINTY \VOi\[ANA S\VEETHEART, A i\IISTRESS, A \VIFEo YES IT TAKES A \VOl\1ANA FR.\GILE \VOMANTO BRING YOU TITE S\VEET THINGS IN LIFE

(By now the ENTIRE MALE COMPANY is all)

AND SO SHE'LL \\lORK UNTIL INFINITYTHREE CHEERS FOR FEi\IININITYRAIl RAIl RAH ... RAH RAH RAJ-I

(Spelling)

FEM-ITY

VANDERCELDER

Get out of here!

(ALL the MEN disappear)

14 I 15

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOI,Lyl

AND 1:'\ TIlE \VI:'\fTER SHE'LL SHOVEL THEICE

A1\'D LOVINGLY SET OUT THE TRAPS FORTHE T\:lICE

SHE'S A JOY A)JD 'TREASURE FORPRACTICALLY SPEAKING

TO \VHOI\f CA:"J YOU TURN \\'HEN THEPLU~1BING IS LEAKING?

VANDERGELDER

All right, ant of here, all of you, ..(The CUSTOl\IERS ;mc1 BiI.RNABY and CURNELIUS runoff. BARN:\BY last, as l\IRS. LEVI enters v.:ith A~IBROSE

who sneaks upstairs.)

l\lRS. LEVI

\,:\~DERGELDER,COR:\ELIUS & K\RN,\BY

TO TH:\T D.\It\TY \VOl\IANT11:\T FRAGILE \VOl\.f;\NTHAT S\VEETHE:\RT, THAT MISTRESS, THAT

\VIFEo YES IT T,\KES A \VOI\IAN

(Slamming door)

.... Congratulations, congratulations, a thousand COI1-

gratula bons!

VANDERGELDER

\Vhat? \Vhat?

I\[RS. LEVI

VANDERGELDER,CORNELIUS & BARNABY

TO BRING YOU THE S\VEET THINGS IN LIFEl

(ALL ::-'lEN iuve snuck back through this)

Congratulations, Mr. Vandergcldcr! All New York isbuzzing with the news that you've practically proposedto thc widow Mollov. The streets arc lined with eligibleyoung ladies prostrate with grief. All my congratulationsand sympathy ...

VANDERGELDER

A HUSKY \\'Ol\L\N

VANDERGELDER

Sympathy?

ALL

o YES IT TAKES A \VOI\'lANA D.\I:,\TY \VOMANA S\\'EETHEAR T, A I\IISTRESS, A \VIFEOYES IT' TAKES A \\'OMAN, A FRAGIL \VOl\lANTO BRING YOU THE S\VEET THINGS IN LIFE

l\IRS. LEVI

Did I say that? A slip of the tongue, that's all. No. 1'111

delighted with tile happy news, after all she wasn't UIl-

easy to unload .... By that I mean you know what peoplesaid although I for one never believed the rumors, no Ididn't.

16 I I 17

.1

IIELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

MRS. LEVI

MRS. LEVI

(Crossing towards door)Very well, Mr. Vandcrgelde r, thcn there's nothing morefor me to do but go back to New York 811d tell the othergirl, the heiress, not to wait.

VANDERCELDER

Rumors? \Vhat rumors?

Nothing to get upset about, Mr. Vandergcldcr, accordingto all known facts her first husband passed on quitenaturally! It's just that he went so sudden. One tasteof her angel's food cake and he was right up there with'em. But it could happen to anyone. Just one word ofadvice, Mr. Vandergelder. Eat out!

VANDER GELDER

(Crossing to her)

What did you say?

~1RS. LEVI

VANDERCELDER Nothing, a word, heiress.

Now hold on, Mrs. Levi, you mean to say.... VANDER GELDER

~fRS. LEVIParticulars, ~1rs. Levi, I demand particulars . . . hername!

I mean to say nothing. Mr. Vandergelder! Besides, youcan alwavs hire a taster. Bv the way she's ordered herwedding 'go\vn, beautiful, ycu should 'see it ... Black!· .. \Vell as I said before, Mr. Vandergelder, congratula-tions OIl your forthcoming nuptial and may you rest in·..Imean may guardian angels watch over you both.

(And SHE whips out a large blaekhandkerchief and blows her nose)

~1RS. LEVI

Her name? Er, urn, blah ... Money! Erncstina Moncv.

VANDERCELDER

What a lovely lovely name.

~IRS. LEVI

VANDERGELDERPicture if you will hair as shi nv as a newly-minted dime,eyes big round as silver dollars; age nineteen, height five-foot-two, waist forty-seven .. _(Crossing to her)

Look here, Mrs. LC\'i, you introduced me to Mrs. Molloyand rumors or not I intend calling on her this afternoon· .. as arranged!

VANDERCELDER

Waist forty-seven?

18 I I 19

HELLO, DOLLY!HELLO, DOLLY!

MRS. LEVI let's not go into that 110W it'll come lip by itself all ingood time dOIl't vou \I'OfT:' about that!

(SHE gets 11is coat)

. Oh but wait'll you see Ernestina, Horace! A vision!A dream!

(A.s SHE puts all iJis coat and hands him his hat)

That's with the money belt. Now I could arrange for youto meet this Ernestina this very afternoon.

VANDERGELDER

I ain't got time, Mrs. Levi! I'm going to New York Citythis afternoon to march in the Fourteenth Street Parade!

I\lRS. LEVI VANDERGELDER

IT TAKES A \VOI\lAN ALL PO\VDEREDA:-\D PINK

TO JOYOUSLY CLEAN OUT THE DRAININ THE SINK

A?\D IT TAKES AN ANGEL \VITH LONGGOLDEN LASHES

A:\,D SOFT DRESDEN FINGERSFOR DUMPING THE ASHES

What an amazing coincidence! Guess who's been chosento ride on the main float. ... The Spirit of FourteenthStreet. ... Miss Moncvl Her mother was a Cash, vouknow.' .

VANDERGELDERAll rigllt, Mrs. Levi, I'll meet Miss Monev at the parade.But I still intend paying another call on Mrs. Molloyfirst!

(HI: exits through door humming)I\[RS. LEVI

MRS. LEVI

OH YES IT TAKES A \VOI\lAN ....Oh dear, what races you make me run. Very well, 1\1r.Vandergcldcr, I'll meet you on that bench in front ofMrs. Molloy's hat shop at two thirty as usual. ...

VANDERGELDER

(SHE continues hUJlJllling melodyas SHE goes upstairs)

l\LRS. LEVI

... You know, Ephraim, I think I'll have this room cloneover in blue wallpaper. Yes, in blue! Enncngarde, Am-brose, come on out here! \V c've got plans to make!

(.\..l\[BROSE alld ER.l\IE:\C.\RDE enter. Ligh ts go downon ;'IRS. LEVI, .-I.'\lBROSE anci ERM.-I.NCAHDE seated up-stairs as they come up 011 trap door where CORNELIUS

and BAR]\;.\IlY appear)

Onc more thing. l\frs. Levil Suppose I decide againstMrs. Molloy and I don't like Miss Money neither?

Well then I happen to have one marc name 011 my list,I\ II. Vaudcrgelder, a name I know as wcll as my own but

'0' I- I I 21

HEl.LO, DOLLY! HELLO. DOLLY!

CORNELIUS CORNELIUS

Chief clerk! Promoted from chief clerk to chief clerk!Aud if I'm good, ill ten years I'll be promoted to chiefclerk again! Thirty-three years old and I still don't get anevening free. When am I going to begin to live?

We'll have to. Some more rotten tomato cans are goingto explode.

BARNABY

BARNABYHoly cabooses! How do you know?

You can live on holidays, Cornelius! CORNELIUS

BARNABY

I'm going to light this candle under them, that's how Iknow. They'll make such a smell customers won't be ableto come into the place for twenty-four hours. That'll getlIS an evening off! We're going to New York, Barnaby.and we're going to live! We're going to have a goodmeal, we're going to be in danger, we're going to spendour money, we're going to be arrested ....

(In his enthusiasm HE falls down open trap)

CORNELIUS

Did you forget what we did last Christmas? All thosecanned tomatoes went bad and exploded and you and Icleaned up the mess all afternoon. Do you call thatliving?

No! BARNABY

CORNELIUS Holy cabooses!

Barnaby, you and I arc going to New York! CORNELIUS

BARNABY And one more thing! We're not coming back to Yonkersuntil we've each kissed a girl!

You mean close the store?BARNABY

CORNELIUS

Uh huh.Cornelius, you can't do that! You don't know allY girls!

CORNELIUSBARNABY

Cornelius, we can't! I'm thirty-three years old! I've got to begin sometime!

22 I 23

BEl.LO, DOLLY! HELl.O, DOLLY!

BARNABY Al\IBROSE

I'm only seventeen, Cornelius. It isn't so urgent for me. Mrs. Dolly Levi, Painters Taught How To Dance!

CORNELIUS MRS. LEVI

New York. Barnabvl Elevated trains: The lights ofBroadwavl The stuffed whale at Barnum's Museum!

BARNABY

Now I'm going to gi\'C you a note to Rudolph Reisen-weber, the headwaiter at the Harmonia Gardens Rcstau-rant on Fourteenth Street and have vou 110th entered inthe polka contest tonight! The prize is a week's engage-ment and a solid brass cup, believe me lots of marriageshave started on less.

A stuffed whale?

CORNELIUSAMBROSE

A stuffed whale! What do you say, Barnaby?

BARNABY

I'm sorry, Mrs. Levi, but no fiancee of mine is going tosct foot in a ... in a pleasure palace:

(ERl\lENC.\RDE crics)Yes, Cornelius) Yes!

(Lights down right, lights up upstairs left) MRS. LEVI

AMBROSE

And what's wrong with pleasure, Mr. Kemper? My latehusband, Ephraim Levi, believed in hard work all yes butnot without a few good times in between! \Vhy everySaturday night, from the first dav we were married, downthose red stairs at the Harmonia Gardens we came anddanced the night awavl It's been ten years since I've beenback but I can hear that music still!

]'vIRS. LEVI

Now the first thing to do is make you financially inde-pendent. I know! I'll find you a job ..Can you dance?

I'm an artist, Mrs. Levi. I paint!AMBROSE

l\IRS. LEVI

(Handing him a card)

\Vell then, my card!

It's all very well to hear music, Mrs. Levi, but workingthere ....

(AIlother wail from ERI\[ENGARDE)

2-+ I I ,'".:.)

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

MRS. LEVI

BARNABY

LISTEN, BARNABY ...

(Five explosions. CORNELIUS slightly OpC.IlS

trapdoor, smoke billows out)

PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES, THERE'SLOTS OF \VORLO OUT THERE

GET OUT THE BRILLIANTINE AND DIrvlECIGARS

\VE'RE GONNA FIND ADVENTURE IN THEEVENING AIRGIRLS IN \VHITE

IN A PERFUMED NIGHTWHERE THE LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT AS THE

STARS!PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES, WE'RE

GONNA RIDE THROUGH TOWNIN ONE OF THOSE NE\V HORSE· ORA \\,N

OPEN CARS

(THEY go down the steps)

It's the only way to show Horace Vandergelder we meanbusiness! Now you go to the Harmonia Gardens thisafternoon and say Mrs. Levi sent you and incidentallytell Rudolph that Dolly's coming back and Iwant a tablefor two and a chicken for eight o'clock tonight!

(Lights out and up on BARNABY downstairs)

(Peering down trapdoor)

... The bottom row looks all right, Cornelius. Now holdthe candle under the ones on top! Not too close, they'reswelled up like they're ready to bust!

(A ballg from underneath)

Holy cabooses! Cornelius, I can smell it up here!

CORNELIUS

(ComiJlg out of cellar, blowing out candle)

Let's get dressed, Barnaby! We're going to New York!

(Three explosions; BARNABY slams trapdoor)

OUT THERETHERE'S A vVORLD OUTSIDE OF YONKERS\,yAY OUT THERE BEYOND THIS HICK TOWN,

BARNABYTHERE'S A SLICK TO\VN, BARNABYOUT THEREFULL OF SHINE AND FULL OF SPARKLECLOSE YOUR EYES AND SEE IT GLISTEN,

BARNABY

CORNELIUS & BARNABY

WE'LL SEE THE SHOWS

AT DELMONICOSAND \VE'LL CLOSE THE TO\Vl\; IN A WHIRLAND WE \VON'T COME UNTIL \VE'VE KISSED

A GIRL!

(THEY TUn up to the platform and put on their suitjackets and hats as lights go out on them and up onMRS. LEVI as SHE helps ER1\1ANCARDE dress and 11.1\1-

BROSE takes a few cautious steps)

26 I r 27

HELLO, DOLLY!HELLO, DOLLY!

l\IRS. LEVI

PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES WI-IEN YOUFEEL DO\VN AND OUT

STRUT DO\VN THE STREET AND HAVE YOURPICTURE TOOK

DRESSED LIKE A DREAl\l YOUR SPIRITS SEEM'TO TURN ABOUT

jumping off as it goes. Tllrough this set changesfrom Feed Store to Yonkers Railroad Station)

CORNELIUS

(Running around tile runway,followed by BARNABY)

Come on, Barnaby! We're going to New York! Elevatedtrains, Barnaby! The lights of Broadway!

BOTH

TIlA r SUNDAY SHINEIS A CERTAIN SIGNTHAT YOU FEEL AS FINE AS YOU LOOK!

(ERMENG_\RDE wails)

BARNABY

Holy cabooses!

CORNELIUS

The stuffed whale at Barnum's Museum!MRS. LEVI & AMBROSE

BARNABY(As THEY go dO\'v'nstairs)

BEi\'EATH YOUR PARASOL THE \VORLD ISALL A Sl\IILE

THAI' l\IAKES YOU FEEL BRAND NEVi DO\VNTO YOUR TOES

\Vow!

CORNELIUS

l\[RS. LEVI, AMBROSE,CORNELIUS & BARNABY

GET OUT YOUR FEATHERSYOUR PATENT LEATHERSYOUR BEADS AND BUCKLES AND BO\VSFOR THERE'S NO BLUE MONDAY IN YOUR

SUNDAY CLOTHES!

Come on!

(The TOWNSPEOPLE enter two by two. CORNELIUS

and BARNABY precede them as THEY parade arouncithe runway)

(The "Feed Store moves, CORNELIUS and BARNABY

ALL

PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES WHEN YOUFEEL DO\VN AND OUT

STRUT DOWN THE STREET AND HAVE YOURPICTURE TOOK

28 I I 29

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

DRESSED LIKE A DREAM YOUR SPIR [TS SEEMTO TURN ABOUT

THAT SUNDAY SHINEIS A CERTAIN SIGNTHAT YOU FEEL AS FINE AS YOU LOOK!BENEATH YOUR PARASOL THE \VORLD IS

ALL A SJ\IILETHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BRAND NE\V DOWN

TO YOUR TOESGET OUT YOUR FEATHERSYOUR PATENT LEATHERSYOUR BEADS AND BUCKLES AND BO\VSFOR THERE'S NO BLUE MONDAY IN YOUR

SUNDAY CLOTHES!

\VE HAVEN'T MISSED THE TRAIN, THANKTHE LORD!

(A}'IBROSE does a leap ... MRS. LEVI stops. )

LOVELY, YOUR'E Il\IPROVING-NOW GET ALLELEVEN PJECES, V/E'RE SEVEN MINUTESLATE.

(Whistles)

ALL ABOARD!

ALLALL ABOARD! ALL ABOARD! ALL ABOARD!

ALL ABOARD!

MRS. LEVI

(The Train comes on from Jeft. THEY ALL

board it through following)

PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES THERE'SLOTS OF \VORLD OUT THERE

PUT ON YOUR SILK CRAVAT AND PATENTSHOES

WE'RE GONNA FIND ADVENTURE IN THEEVENING AIR

TO TO\VN \VE'LL TROTTO A SMOKEY SPOT\Vl-IERE THE GIRLS ARE HOT AS A FUSE!PUT ON YOUR SILK HIGH HAT AND AT THE

TURNED UP CUFFWE'LL \VEAR A HAND MADE GREY SUEDE

BUTTONED GLOVEWE'LL JOIN THE ASTORSAT TONY PASTOR'SAND THIS I'M POSITIVE OF

(THEY strike a pose as the YonkersStation flies in)

BENEATH YOUR BO\VLER BRIM TI-1E\VORLD'S A SIlVIPLE SONG

A LOVEL Y LILT THAT MAKES YOU TILTYOUR NOSE

GET OUT YOUR SLICKERS, YOUR FLANNELKNICKERS

YOUR RED SUSPENDERS AND }-IOSEFOR THERE'S NO BLUE rv[ONDAY IN YOUR

SUNDAY CLOTHES!

(Riding ill with ERl\[£NGARDE and luggageon a cart pushed by Al\IBROSE)

ERMENGARDE, STOP SNIVELLING-DON'TCRY ON THE VALISES!

30 31

HELLO, DOLLY!

'ru.vr \VE \VO:,\T CO't\tE IIO't\IETITXT \\'E \VO;\f'T CO't\TE HO't\lENO \\,E \\'ON'T CO't\lE HO't\lE UNTIL \VE FALL

IN LOVE!SCENE 3

(Applamc. l\IUSIC starts again. Train pulls out asYonkers Station flies out. TOWNSPEOPLE

srart to exit)

PUT ON YOUR HIGH SILK HAT AND AT THETURNED UP CUFF

\\'E'LL \VEAR A tL\NDJ\L\DE GREY SUEDEBUTTONED GLOVE

\VE'LL JOIN THE ASTORSxi' TONY PASTOR'SAND TI-IIS I'M POSITIVE OFTHAT \VE \\,ON'T CO't\lE HOMETHAT \VE \VONT COJ\IE I-lOMENO \\'E \VON'T CO~tE IlO't\IE UNTIL \VE FALL

IN LOVE.

(N ew York Street and the exterior of l\IRS l\lOLLOY'S

Hat Shop.)

l\IINNIE

(HJt SIlO)) wagoll comes 011 as Train disappears.,\Iusic continues as l\IINNlE FAY enters carrving hatbox. SHE crosses ahove Hat Shop, then around tofront cloor, tries it, it's locked. As 1ST P.\SSFRBY

enters, ::\[I::\"::\"I1-: 1-':\ Y tuns to speak to audience)

(Babbling a mile-a-minute throughout )

... Oh dear, oh 111\', will YOU look at that, tell o'clock andthe shop not opened yet'.

( 1ST COUPLE cross)

It's all because of the impending marriage, I tell you.What marriage? Oh I thought YOU knew. Why the mar,riage Mrs. Levi is arranging between Mr. Horace Vander-gelder, the well-known Yonkers halt-a-millionaire and myemployer and friend, 't\1rs. Irene Molloy . , ,

(ERNESTINE crosses)

. . , although if you ask me he'll never take the place ofher late husband Mr. Peter Mollov mav he rest in peacewherever he is I'm not sure, Oh it's all too much whatwith late husbands and new marriages and on top ofeverything else ...

(2ND COUPLE cross)

Miss Mortimer returning this hat for the third time!Same old storv, she wants more cherries and feathers.Cherries and' feathers, to catch a beau I suppose,although if you ask me she'd do better with a nice heavyveil!

(SHE laughs, slaps her knee, exits and then returns)

32 I 33

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!,

... Ribbons down our back, I liold her. Ribbon downour back is what we'll be wearing this summer if we wantto catch a gentleman's eye, but she'd have none of it!Cherries and feathers she wants, on today of all days,when that poor dear sweet Mrs. Molloy has enough onher mind with ...

(l\1RS. xror.r, y has en tercd)

l\lRS. MOLLOY

I am marrying Horace Vandergclder for one reason andone reason alone, Minnie! To get away from the millin-ery business. r hate hats! And I canna longer stand beingsuspected of being a wicked woman with nothing toshow for it.

t\HNNIE

MRS. MOLLOY

(As SHE crosses to Hat Shop door)

\Vith what, Minnie?

011, t\1rs. Molloy!

MRS. MOLLOY

MINNIE

Don't protest, 'Minnie! All millineresses are suspected ofbeing wicked women. That's whv I can't go to restau-rants or balls or theatres ... that's all the proof they'dneed! Take my word for it, Minnie, either I marryHorace Vandergelder or I break out of this place like afire engine!

(Pointing to hat box)

... Not Miss Mortimer again?

(Following her)

With the door! It's stuck!

MRS. t\IOLLOY

Its stuck? Then push!

(TIlEY turn Hat Shop around and after side wallscome in Land R, THEY enter. MRS. MOLLOY

continues as MINNIE protests)

MINNIEMiss Mortimer. I'll take care of it.

(Gets hat box)

MRS. MOLLOY MRS. MOLLOY... All right Minnie, let's have it. That's right, the ques-tion that's been on the tip of your tongue all week! Goon, say it! Why am I marrying Horace Vandergelder?

No, Minnie, leave it bel You can make another hat forMiss Mortimer if you like. I'm wearing this one myself.

(Takes hat box and opens it)MINNIE

Oh Mrs. Mollov, I didn't ask YOU that! I would ratherdie on the rack- than ask you s'uch a personal question!But as long as you did bring it up ...

:MINNIE

Mrs. Molloy, yon can't! You're a widow and that hat ...well it's provocative, that's what!

3-t I I 35

HELLO, DOLLY!HELLO, DOLLY!

i\IRS. MOLLOY MAKING ME RECALL IIO\V LOVELY LOVECAN BE

AND SO I \VILL PROUDLY \VEARRIBBONS DO\VN MY BACKSHINING IN ~,lY HAIRTHAT HE i\HGHT NOTICE j\1E!

Is it, i\Iinnie?

(RclllOl'es hat from box. A straw boater trimmedwith yards of cherries and feathers)

Well, who knows who may walk into the shop today andprovocative may be just what I want to be!

i\lINNIE

(As ~fUSIC continues, MRS. I\lOLI.oy stops herself, rc-moves the hat from her head and begins going abouther duties. ~nNNIE enters and crosses to closet, mut-

tering to herself. takes scissors from closet and exits)

AND SO I \,vILL PROUDLY \VEARRIBBONS DO\VN MY BACKSHINING IN MY HAIRTHAT HE i\rIGHT NOTICE ME!

.i\Irs. ~Iolloy!

i\lRS. i\IOLLOY

(ReI1lOl'illg trim lca\'ing hat a

sinipu: beribbolled sailor)

I'LL BE \VE.\'RI:\'G RIBBONS DO\VN i\;IY BACKTHIS SUl\[l\IER

BLUE /\ND GREEN AND STREAi\ fING IN THEYELLO\V SKY

SO IF SO\IEONE SPECIAL COi\1ES MY \VAYTHIS SU.i\ll\IER

HE ~IIGIIT NOTICE i\[£ PASSING BYAND SO I'LL TRY TO i\IAKE IT EASIER TO

FIND MEIN THE STILLI'\ESS OF JULYBECAUSE A BREEZE l\UGHT STIR A RAINBO\V

UP BEl IIND METIlAT i\IIGlIT HAPPEN TO CATCHTHE GENTLE\L\N'S EYE .AND HE i\IICHT Sl\ULE AND Tf\KE ME BY

THE I-lANDTHIS SUMMER

(Unbeknownst to "IRS. 1\10LLOY, }'IIN'<IE has quietlycome back into Shop through cnd of tIlisand now busts out ... )

j\HNNIE

(All in one breath)... Mrs. Mollov, wild horses couldn't make me ask thisnext question I;m about to ask but I'm going to ask itanyhow! Do you love Horace Vandcrgclder?

~IRS. MOLLOY

No, l\Iinnic, I don't. Peter Mollov, God rest him, wasmy share of love and I'm Hot saying I was short-changed.Once is enough for a woman as long as it's true love, andit was that.

(Crosses to window and looks out)

36 i I 37

)

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

IvIINNIE

(MINNIE sticks her head back through curtains andscrcams as MRS. l\fOLI.OY sings happily to herself)

AI\D SO I'LL TRY TO IVIAKE IT EASIER TOFIND ME

IN THE STILLNESS OF JULYBECAUSE A BREEZE ~IIGHT STIR A RAINBO\V

UP BEHIND ME ...

... Minnie, look. There's two men staring at the shop.

'Men?

MRS. MOLLOY

Whv I do believe they mean to come in here!, .

MINNIE(As SHE hurries into workroom)

... Oil Minnie, we'll get an adventure out of this yet!

(SHE disappears as door OpCIlS and CORNF.LIUS andBAR;\ABY dash into shop. COR],;ELIUS shuts cloor)

Men in the shop! Oh Mrs. Molloy, what shall we do?

MRS. MOLLOY

Do? ... Whv, flirt with them of course! I'll give you theshort one.

CORNELIUS

MINNIE

Mrs. Molloy! And you with all that talk about love:

We'll get an adventure out of this yet, Barnabv! All daylong we wander around New York and nothing happens,then we come to the quietest street in the city and sud-denly ...

MRS. MOLLOY BARNABY

Love enough I've had, Minnie! It's a bit of adventure Icould do with now! We'll get them all heated up andthen drop them cold. I t'll be good practice for marriedlife. Now YOU go into the workroom. Minnie. I knowsome ways we can perk up our appearances. Besides, abit of a wait will only make them nervous and easier forus to ...

Vandergelder!

CORNELIUS

Is he still out there?

BARNABY

:MINNIE(Climbing into window)

He's sitting on that bench. Cornelius. arc you sure thisis an adventure?If you say vampire I'll scream! (Exits)

I\lRS. ~lOLLOYCORNELIUS

Vampire! You don't have to ask. Barnabv. When you're mane

38 I 39

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOL,LY!

you'll know it all right! I low much money 11<1\'C you gotleft?

BARNABY

BARN,\BYIIe means we're hats! And we want to buy some ladies toput under them and, . . .

Not much, Cornelius. Fortv cents for the train back,thirty cents for dinner, and twenty cents to see the whale.Ninctv cents. Whv?. .

CORI\'ELIUS

CORNELIUS

(Shuttillg llim up)

\Ve want a hat, that's all' For a lack of course. Andcvcrvbodv said to come to Mrs. ~10110\"s because she'sso prcttv ... Imean her hats arc so pretty!\ Vhcn those \V011lCll come out we'll have to pretend to

be customers! Mavbc the best thing to do is make themthink we're rich. Then we won't have to spend anything!We're two 111el1about town looking for hats for ladies.Good aftcrnoon, ~ lrs. , . ,

BARNABY

~IRS. ~IOLLOY

And 50 reasonable, Cornelius! 1\5 reasonable as under adollar, would still leave us enough to see the whale.

(Entering from workroom)

... I\Iolloy.

CORNELIUS

BARNABY

You've got to pay him 110 mind, ru'am, he's come all thewav from Yonkers to see the stuffed whale and he's allexcited. Just keep an eve on that street, Barnaby, andmaybe vou'll see it pass bv.

(Pushing him to window)

CORNELIUS

Here, Cornelius IIackl!

Here, Barnaby Tucker! BARNABY

~IRS. ~IOLLOY Is it big and black with mean little red eyes?Mv pleasure, gentlemen.

(Seductively)

. . . K'O\\' what can I do for you, hmmm?

COR;\JELIUS

Yes .

CORNELIUS BARNABY

\Vcll vou see we're two ladies about town and ... It's sitting right on that bench.

-+0 I I 41

HEI .. l.O, DOLLY!

I\ [RS. I\IOLLOY

(;\.:; COR:\ELIUS turns 13.\l{:\":\BY back round again)

Excuse rue, but did :'ou say Yonkers, 1\1r. Hackl?

CORNELIUS

OL ~·cs,mam, Youkcrs! And forgive me for saying thisbur YOU should see Yonkers. By that I mean perhaps :-'[r.i\ Iolloy would like to see Yonkers, too I

{-.[RS. I\10LLOY

011, I'm a widow, I\Ir. IIaekl.

CORNELIUS

(Juyfulh- )

You arc? Barnabv, she's a widow!

(JL\J{:,\.\.JlY Tc~pcctfu]h' hJkcs off hi.~ kIt)

... 011, that's too bad. I'm sure J\ II. Mollov would hawelljoyed Yonkers. Especially in that hat. 1 ~1lCaJ1 on 'all

of course not Mr. \Iolloy may he rest in peace vou'rcCatholic aren't you \\'(.:11 don't let that worry vou I'd bewilling to change. Mrs. I\10110\', if you ShOl{ld ever hap-pen to have a Sunday free in the near future. I'd be morethan pleased to show you Yonkers from top to bottom:

MRS. I\IOLLOY

\Vell as a matter of fact, M r. Hackl, I I1l ight be theresooner than you think.

CORNELIUS

Oh. rcalh?

"+2

HELLO, DOLLY!

I\[RS. J\IOLLOY

You see, I have a friend who lives in Yonkers.

COR;\:ELIUS

Do you?

J\IRS. J\IOLLOY

Perhaps vou know him ...

COR:'\ELIllS

Perhaps we do.J\IRS. I\10LLOY

Oh, it's always so foolish to ask in cases like that isn't it?

(THEY ROTH laugh ,,·ith increJsingcOllgcllialih. B.\R~.\IlY too)

. It's a Mr. Vaudcrgcldcr.

(C()R~ELIUS stoP\ laughing ahmptly. R.\R:-HBY bIblloisik alllong hats in \\'indow)

CORNELIUS

Horace V a ndcrgcldcr?

B;\RNABY

Of Vandergeldcr's Hay and Feed?

J\fRS. J\IOLLOY

Do YOU know him?

BOTHNo!

I .f 3

HELLO, DOLLY!

1'.1RS. MOLLOY

1'.1r. Vandcrgelders a substantial man and well-liked, theytell me.

CORNELIUS

:\ lovely man, Mrs. Mollov. J ust lovely! lIas only onefault as far as I know; he's hard as nails.

BARNABY

(At window)

Cornelius, I think ... I think ...

I\IRS. IvlOLLOY

0:0\\' I wonder if your friend might like this one!

(Picking up boater hat )

BARNABY

Look out!

(Leaping O\'CI rail and under table)

CORNELIUS

(HUllS past liet into cuboard left)

Begging your pardon, Mrs. Molloy!

MRS. l\10LLOY

Ccutlcrncn! What are you doing?

CORNELIUS

(Head back out)I Ielp us, Mrs. Mollo:', we'll explain later!

-+4 I

HELLO, DOLLY!

MRS. MOLLOYCome out of there this minute!

BARNABY

(Head out)

We're as innocent as can be, Mrs. 1'.10110)'!

1'.-1RS.MOLLOY

w-n, really! Mr. Hackl! ML Tucker!

(SHE is downstage of table calling toB;\.R~ABY hidden underneath)

... I insist you both come out of there at once or T shallbe forced to ... Mr. Vanderge1dcr!

(SHE manages to wor]; hct positio1l into a sort ofcurtsy as VANDERCELDER, holding hox ofchocolates, enters)

VANDERGELDER

Mrs. Molloy. I don't suppose Mrs. Levi is here. is she?She was supposed to meet me on that bench ten minutesago. Well she can just go looking for me if she comes.When I make an appointment I like people to be ontime!

(Setting chocoia tes 011 ta hIe)

Here, here's a present for you. Chocolate coveredpeanuts. Unshcllcd That's the expensive kind. Did I justsee yOLl talking with two men?

1\1RS. i\10LLOYMen? Men, 1\1r.Vandcrgeldcr? What would men be do-

I 45

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

ing in :1 hat store? \Vell, Mr. Vandcrgelder, what's newin the It:1\' and feed business? I understand you havethree friCl~cls. All hard as nails. I mean. . . -

l\lRS. 1\[OLL01'

l\IRS. l\[OLLOY

(As SIlF spies cO!C\U,WS' bmder Oil stoolthrough this. goes to it and l\Taps a bit ()f lacearolllld it to transform it to lady's hat)

A. customer. l\fr. Vandcrgcldcr ' Someone quite well-to-doas a matter of fact. You might even know it although it'susuallv sillv to ask in cases like that, , ,

(SHE attempts a 1a ugh). It's a Mr. Cornelius l Iackl.

\':\NDERCELDER

What on earth arc you talking about?

Yonkers! I hear it's a \'Cry beautiful city,

VAl\'DERGELDER VANDERGELDER

l\lRS, l\IOLLOY

(.As '\IRS, LEVI enters and peers throughshop \\·j1ld()H')

Did \'()U sax Hackl?

And who's been telling you about Yonkers, mav I ask?

Nobody, , , .r\ Friend!

(Straightens table cloth to hide B:\RNABY and abunch of cherries fans to floor)

l\IRS, l\lOLLOY

\Vhy, yes. , , ,

VANDERGELDER V.r\t-\DERGELDER

He happens to be 1l1\' head clerk, that's all' Mrs. ;\10110\"I dcm and an expla 11a t ioul

(Stooping tor cherries)

\ Vhat friend?\IRS. LEVI

:tvIRS, MOLLOY

VANDERGELDER

(Cuming ill front cloor)

And I'm going to gi\'c it to YOl1!

(Spring COR;,\ELlUS' hat, going for it,taking it to closet)

\ \ 'In' shouldn't she know Cornelius Hackl? E\'CfY-. .bodv in New YOIl knows Cornelius Hack! He's here atthe opera, in all the fashionable 110111C5,why he's at the

(Also stooping, I3ARNABY'S hand snatches cherriesbefore EITHER of them so ~IRS, UOLLOY quickly takes\,ANDERCELDER's hand and pretends to shake it)

\Vc]], you 5CC, hc , , .

He?

-+6 I 47

HEl.LO, DOl.LY! HELLO, DOLLY!

Harmonia Gardens Restaurant three times a week!

i\'IRS. LEVI

(SHE hits closet door to cmpiusize this,CORNELIUS starts out. SHE s110\'e5 him back)

. And who dressed up <15 a waiter at the Fifth AvenueHotel and dropped an oyster down Mrs. Astor's ...

(SHE has meanwhile crossed to table, now peersunder, evidently spies BARNABY for SHE

bursts into laughter)

011 r can't say it but it was Cornelius! He's the playboyof New York. Now Irene. don't dcnv it. I can see youwere taken with him just like everybody else.

(SHE has opened closet door to hide hat andCORNELIUS snatches it from her. MRS. LEVI reacts)

VANDERGELDER

(Not noticing)

Impossible! Hes only got a hundred and forty-six dollarsand thirty-five cents and I keep it in my own safe!

Oh Mr. Vandergeldcr, you're killing me! He's one of theHackls. They built the canal.

i\IRS. l\'IOLLOY

VANDERGELDER(:t-.llNNIE lJas entered. started for closet,through last of above)

Dolly! What arc you sa\ing? I've only seen him once inmy life! Really, Dolly, I ...

(THEY BOTH watch ill horror as MIN1\IE opens cup-board, takes something out, closes the cloors andstarts back to workroom. Sucldenly SHE stops andscreams)

\\'hat canal?

MRS. LEVI, :t\'1RS. MOLLOY

(SiIlIultaneolisly)The Eric! The Panama!

MRS. LEVI MINNIE

Both. Wa-a-ah!

VANDERGELDER(:t-.IRS. MOLLOY grabs the screaming M[NI\"IE andfina11y manages to show lict into workroom.:t-.IINNIE pops right out again)

There's a man in there.It ain't the same man!

MRS. LEVI

Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's carriage andpulled her through the streets? Cornelius Hackl!

VANDERGELDER

Now look here, if there's a man in that closet ...

48 I 149

HELl.O, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

~IRS. LEVI DO YOU SEE HII\'ION THE HILL AT GETTYSBURG'NEATH TI-IAT GREAT TR IUMPHAL ARCHIF YOU SEE I-III\[ AS HE'S TRAI\IPLING

THROUGH THE GRAPES OF \VRATIISTAND UP AND ~IARCH, ~'IARCH, MARCU!

MRS. I\10LLOY

);0. Mr. Vandcrgcldcr, you can't! It's too dangerous!

VA~DERGELDER

~o mall that hides ill ladies' closets can frighten me, Mrs.Levi! Stand aside!

I\lRS. LEVI (Taking his arm)

... Has this not affected YOU, Sir? I came here at four-teen vcars of age as an immigrant girl from a land thatoppressed my people and I must echo here what wassaid by that great and patriotic American ... uh ...uh ...

'\'0 man indeed, I'm sure you'd make short work of anymall, those muscles, I can see them now rippling backand forth under your COJ t, ripple, ripple, ripple, back andforth!

V:\:\'DERGELDER I\rRS. LEVIFor the last time, Mrs. Levi. will you stand aside!

~lRS. LEVI

Moses.

(As i\1RS. LEVI sneaks CORNEUUS out of thecupboard, marches him to the table, anci puslJeshim under it, thus squeezing BARNABY

out the other side)Stand indeed, Mr. Vandergclc1er! That's cxactlv what thecourt will want to know when you're accused of enteringthat closet without a search warrant. I mean what doyOll stand for if you don't stand for the law of this greatland? I know what I stand for! Important things!Like ... like _ ..

(:\[USIC lip as SIIE backs him to Center)

~IOTHERHOODAl\-IERICASr'\D A HOT LU0iCII FOR ORPf-L-\~STAKE OFF YOUR HAT, SIR\\,HILE YOUR COUT"TRY'S FLAG IS PASSING

MRS. J\10LLOYI STAND FOR I\[OTIIERHOODi\l\IERICAAND A HOT LUNCII FOR ORPHANSTAKE OFF YOUR HAT, SIRTHERE'S A TEAR-STAINED EAGLE PASSINGDO YOU SEE HIMON THE FIELD AT \V;\TERLOO'NEATH THAT GREAT TRIU~IPHAL ARCH

-0 I) I I 51

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

(SHE leads V,-\NDERGELDER in a march to the right asBARNABY tries to conceal himself beside door toworkroom. :l\1INNIE pops out at last second tohide BARNABY with a salute as SHE

joins MRS. i\IOLLOY)

MRS. LEVI

~tRS. l\IOLLOY & MINNIE

IF YOU HEAR HI:M SINGING DIXIE IN THESUGAR CANE

STAND UP AND :t\IARCH, j\IARCH, MARCH!(Through following MRS. !-.IOLLOY and !-.IINNIE

march VANDERGELDER right while l'.IRS. LEVI

leads a terrified BARNABY behind them.B.-\RNABY di\·cs baek under table and l'.IRS.

LEVI rushes about looking for a place to llidethe now exposed CORNELIUS)

(Singing while l'.IRS. LEVI is singing)

ALAMOREMEMBER THE ALAMOI REGRET THAT I'VE ONELIFE TO GIVE FOR MYCOUNTRYIN THE vVORDS OF LINCOLNONE IF BY LANDAND T\VO IF BY SEAYES DAD I CHOPPEDTHAT CHERRY TREE DOWN

(CORNELIUS crawls out and gets caught up inthc marching rhythm)

~IRS. j\IOLLOY & MINNIE

MRS. MOLLOY, MINNIE,AND MRS. LEVI

I STAND FOR j\fOTHERHOODAMERICAAND A HOT LUNCH FOR ORPHANSTAKE OFF YOUR HAT, SIRvVHILE YOUR COUNTRY'SFLAG IS PASSINGDO YOU SEE HIMON THE FIELD AT \VATERLOO'i'JEATH THAT GREAT TRIUj\IPIIAL ARCHIF YOU SEE HI:\l AS lIE'STR;\j\[PLING THROUGH THEGRAPES OF WRATH

STAND UP AND MARCH MARCH MARCH ...0, STONE\VALL JACKSONGLORY,GLORY,HALLELUJAH

MRS. MOLLOY

·1

(As SHE and MINNIE sit on CORNELIUS, who hasnearly marched head-on into VANDERGELDER,

ill order to hide him)

Four score and seven years ago!

ALLMARCH,MARCH,MARCH

-7 I)-I 53

HELLO, DOLLY!

\lRS. LEVI

(Pmiling COR:\,ELlUS down fIat,stepping over him)

Damn the torpedoes. full speed ahead!

ALL

i\lARCH, AIARCII, ~lARCH!

(TUEY march over COR::-:ELIUS' prostrate form.IIF gets lip and rusl1es into cupboard, ~1RS. LEn

standing guard in front at it, and TilEY aTC .\.I.L

hack. where TIlEY started)

1\lRS. LEVI

... So you see, Mr. Vanc1ergclcler, there couldn't possiblybe a man in that closet!

(A huge SllCCZC from inside cupboard. MRS

LEVI'S done all SIlE could. To V.\'~DERGELDER)

God bless you.

VANDERGELDER

(After a long, furious pause)

Mrs. i\lo1101' ...

1\IRS. MOLLOY

All right, 1\1r. Vaudergcldcr, there is a man in that cup-board!

V:\~DERGELDER

Aha!

5-+

HELLO. DOLLY!

xins 1\10LLOY

And another under that table!

(The table scoots Down Center)

V.-\NDERGELDER

\Vhat the devil!

i\1RS. l\IOLLOY

There also happens to be a very simple explanation butfor the present, good afternoon.

MRS. LEVI

(Pulling tip her skirts as if therewere imaginary mice)

Good Lord, the whole room's crawling with men, I'llnever get over it, I take it I'll see you later this afternoon,1\If. Vanclergeldcr?

VANDERGELDER

You certainly will, Mrs. LC\'i! "Vith a certain yO\1ng ladyon the main float at the end of the parade! Good day,l\1rs. ~'Iolloy!

(And lIE slams out. A moment, then lIE returns,gets his box of candy, and exits. CORNELIUS headpops out of cupbo;ml)

CORNELIUS

}"Irs. Mollov, I can explain everything ...

I 55

HELLO, DOLLY!

l\lRS. MOLLOY

(Pulling table off BARNABY)

I do not wish to hear Jny explanations, ]\ [I. Hackl. Justyou and 1\1r. Tucker do me the pleasure of leaving myshop at once or I send for Officer Gogarty.

MRS. LEVI

The very thing, Irene! Send for the law at once! You canhave them both put away for years on a charge like this!Help, police! Help! Only have dinner with them first.

l\·IRS. MOLLOY

Dinner!

MRS. LEVI

To show you tried to settle it amicably. That's the waythings are done in the law, Irene. Dinner first, dungeonsafterward.

MRS. MOLLOY

Well if it must be. MI. Hackl, Mr. Tucker, you mav takeMiss Fay and myself to dinner. .'

CORNELIUS

(As B:I.RNABY tries to indicateTIlEY haven't enough money)

Delighted, Mrs. Molloy. I speak for Barnaby too. NowI hear there's a very nice restaurant in the railway station.

56 I

•

HELLO, DOLLY!

l\·IRS. I\IOLLOY

Oh no, I\fr. Hackl! If the Harmonia Gardens is goodenough for your fashionable friends it's good enough forus! They say they have a 101'(:ly orchestra there, l\1innie.

CORNELIUS

011 we couldn't go there! Now don't misunderstand me.it isn't the money or anything like that, it's the ... It'sthe dancing! ... You see, they have dancing in a placelike that. exhibitions, even contests, and I don't knowhow and it would take me weeks, months, years tolearn ...

(I\IRS. LEYI hands hilll a card. lIE reads ... )

Mrs. Dolly Levi, 33 year olel chief clerks taught howto ...

I\IRS. LEVI

Now yOLl put one arm here and one arm here.

CORNELIUS

It's no use! I have absolutclv no sense of rhvtlun:. .

xins. LEVI

Absolutely no sense of rhythm is one of the primary re-quiremcnts for learning by the Callagher-Lcvi Method.Just gi\'e me five minutes of yom time, Mr. Hackl, andI'll have you dancing in the streets!

(SHE takes his hand)

I 57

HELLO, DOLLY!

... We'll start with Lesson Seven, the Waltz Kick Turn.Now it's simple, right foot, touch, left foot, touch, under,back, around, touch, Back, through, around, behind.

(CORNELIUS is all twisted in a knot,1rRS. LEVI somehow astride him)

... That's wonderful, when I think of the luckv womenwho'll find heaven in your arms, let's go back t'o LessonOne.

(And J\IRS. LEVI begins to movethe stiff CORNELIUS. Singing)

PUT YOUR HAND ON HER \VAIST AND STAND\VITH HER RIGHT IN YOUR LEFT HANDAND ONE T\VO THREE, ONE T\VO THREE,

ONE T\VO THREE

CORNELIUS

LOOK l'l'vl DANCING!w-n. I was.

MRS. LEVI

Of course you were, 1\1r. Hackl!

MRS. LEVI

TAKE THE SOMEONE \YHOSE ARMSYOU'RE IN

HOLD ONTO HER TIGHT AND SPINAND ONE 1'\VO THREE, ONE T\VO THREE,

ONE TWO THREE

CORNELIUS

\VO\\1, I'r.-'l DANCING!

58 I

HELLO, DOLLY!

IvlRS.LEVI

TURN AROUND AND TURN AROUND, TRYFLOATING THROUGH THE AIR

CAN'T YOU BE A LITTLE j\10RE ASTHETIC?

CORNELIUS

DON'T YOU THINK MY DANCING HAS APOLISH AND A FLAIR?

r.-lRS.LEVI

THE 'WORD I THINK I'D USE IS ATHLETIC!

CORNELIUS

WELL :MY IIEART IS ABOUT TO BURSTMY HEAD IS ABOUT TO POPAND NOW THAT I'M DANCING 'VIIO CARES

IF I EVER STOP!

... Look at me, everybody! I, Cornelius Hackl ... Sport

... Am dancing!

j\lRS. LEVI

You're next, Mr. Tucker!

(Pulling the terrified BARNABY downstage]

GLIDE AND STEP AND THEN STEP AND GLIDE

BARNABY

AND EVERYONE STAND ASIDE!(HE dances)

I 59

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

CORNELIUS

BARNABY

\VHEN THERE'S SOMEONE YOU HARDLYKNO\V

BUT \\fISH YOU \\fERE CLOSER TOREr..1EMBFR THAT lIE CAN BE NEAR TO YOU\VHILE YOU'RE DANCINGTHOUGH YOU'VE OKLY JUST SAID "HELLO"HE'S SUDDENLY SOr..1EONE vVHOCAN j\JAKE ALL YOUR DAYDREAMS APPEAR

TO YOU\VI-ELE YOU'RE DANCING

(\Valls of Shop move off)

MAKE THE MUSIC "VEAVE A SPELL\VHIRL A\VAY YOUR \VORR YTHINGS LOOK ALMOST T\VICE AS WELL\VI-IEN YOU'RE SLIGHTLY BLURRY

I Ie's dancing!

MRS. LEVI

YOU COULD LEARN TO POLKA IF YOU\VORKED A \VEEK OR SO

OR THE TANGO FILLED "VITH PASSIONSEETHING

I MIGHT JOIN THE CHORUS OF THE CASTLEGARDEN SHO\V

MRS. LEVI

\VHATEVER YOU DO FOR GOSH SAKESKEEP BREATHING

(I\IUSIC continues as I\1RS. LEVI, CORNELIUS, andBAR!\ABY rush out to dance in the streets. MRS.

J\IOLLO¥ and MINNIE are left in Shop. Amoment, then CORNELIUS returns and holds outhis arms to I\1RS_ MOLLOY)

l\iRS. LEVI

AS AROUND AND AROUND YOU GOYOUR SPIRITS vVILL HIT THE TOP

r..lRS. LEVI, CORNELIUS, MRS. MOLLOY

(By now I\IRS. LEVI 113Shalf the PEOPLE

ill the street dancing)

AND NO\\! THAT \VE'RE DANCING\VHO CARES IF \VE EVER STOP

ALL THREE

FOR l\[Y HEART IS ABOUT TO BURSTMY I lEAD IS ABOUT TO POP.\ND NO\\' THAT I'M DANCING \VHO CARES

IF I EVER STOP!

ALL

MRS. MOLLOY

(As THEY dance)

ONE-T\VO-THREEONE-T\VO-THREEONE-TWO

60 I 61

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

AND NOvV THAT WE'RE DANCINGV'.1HO CARES IF vVE EVER STOP

lVIRS. LEVI

OLD LADY

... Ephraim, let me go! It's been long enough, Ephraim!Every evening for all these years I've put out the cat,I've locked the door, I've made myself a little rum toddyand before I went to bed I said a prayer thanking Godthat I was independent, that no one else's life was mixedup with mine. Then one night an oak leaf fell out of myBible. I placed it there when )/Ou asked me to lTlarryYOll,

Ephraim. A perfectly good oak leaf but now withoutcolor and without life. And Isuddenly realized that Iwaslike that leaf. For vears I had not shed one tear nor hadI been filled with the wonderful hope that something orother would turn out well. And so I've decided to rejointhe human race! I'm going to marry Horace Vandergclderand Ephraim I want you to give me away!

(And SHEsings as Deserted Store Olio slowlyrolls up out of sight)

BEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BYI'M CaNNA GET IN STEP\VI-IILE THERE'S STILL TIl'vIE LEFTBEFORE TIlE PARADE PASSES BY

(Hat Shop revolves and moves off. DANCEends as~IINNIE dances off, leaving !vIRS.LEVIalone in thegathering twiligllt. Applause, then MUSICcontinuesas Deserted Store Olio comes slowly in. OLDLADYpushing vegetable cart enters) .

OLD LADY

... Well, well, look who's here! Mrs. Levi. How are you,Mrs. Levi?

MRS. LEVI

(Slow 1y moving down onto runway)

How are you. Mrs. Ro~e.

The same. Pains in my back, aches in my side, stabs inmy liver ... I'm fine. My daughter Fanny got married,YOU know.

MRS. LEVI

("DANCINGTAG"during which MRS.MOLLOYandCORNELIUSenter)

Did she? ~·lRS. MOLLOY

OLD LADY ... Mrs. Levi, come along. Cornelius is taking us downto see the Fourteenth Street Parade. Everybody will bemarching!A year ago last September. It's been a long time since

you lived here, Mrs. Levi. Such a long long time!

(Her voice fades as MRS. LEVIturns suddenly awayaway from the Old Store)

MRS. LEVI

Why, Irene ... you're crying!

62 I I 63

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

l\IRS, LEVI

SEEM TO BE TELLING ME \VHERE I'M GOING\VHEN THE WHISTLES BLOWAND THE CYMBALS CRASHAND THE SPARKLERS LIGHT THE SKYI'M GONNA RAISE THE ROOFI'M GONNA CARRYONGIVE J\'IE AN OLD TRO]\1BONEGIVE ME AN OLD BATONBEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BY!

J\IRS. J\10LLOY

011, Dollv, the world is full of wonderful things! Comewith us, Dolly!

I will, Irene! I will!

(Crossing 011 runwav )

BEFORE THE PAR.\DE PASSES BY1'J\1GO:\':\T,>\GO AND TASTE SATURDAY'S

HIGH LIFEBEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BYI'M GONNA GET SO]\,1£ LIFE BACK INTO

1\lY LIFE1'1\1 RE:\DY TO J\lOVE OUT IN FRONTI'VE HAD Ei'\'OUClT OF JUST PASSING BY LIFE\\'ITH THE REST OF THEJ\'[\\71TII THE BEST OF TIlE1\1I CAN HOLD J\[Y HEAD UP I-IIGHFOR I'VE GOT .>\GOAL ,".GAINI'VE GOT :\ DRIVE AGAINI \VANNA FEEL J\[Y HEART COMING ALIVE

AGAINBEFORE TIlE PARADE PASSES BY!

(VARIOUS GROUPS in parade start on)LOOK AT THAT CRO\VD UP AHEADLISTEN AND HEAR THAT BRASS HARJ\IONY

GRO\VINGLOOK AT '1'11:\T CRO\VD UP AI-lEADPARDO:--J J\1£ IF MY OLD SPIRIT IS SHO\VINGALL OF THOSE LIGHTS OVER THERE

(Crosses off IlI11War and through CROWD)

ALL

\\THEN THE PARADE PASSES BYLISTEN AND HEAR THAT BRASS HAR"MONY

GROWING\VHEN THE PARADE PASSES BYPARDON 1'.1EIF MY OLD SPIRIT IS SHO\VINGALL OF THOSE LIGHTS OVER THERESEEM TO BE TELLING J\JE \VlIERE I'M GOING\VI-IEN THE \VHISTLES BLO\VAND TI-IE CYMBALS CRASHAND THE SPARKLERS LIGHT THE SKYI'M GONNA RAISE THE ROOFI'M GONNA CARRYONGIVE ME AN OLD TROMBONEGIVE J'vIEAN OLD BATON

(Float with GIRLS and mannequindressed the same is pushed on)

BEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BYl

64 I 65

HELLO, DOLLY! HELLO, DOLLY!

(ENTIRECROWDmarches around runway duringorchestral chorus, then picks up song again)

IVIRS. LEVi

I'M GONNA RAISE THE ROOF1'1\1GONNA CARRY ONGIVE ME AN OLD TROMBONEGIVE ME AN OLD BATONBEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BY!

VANDERGELDER

That's why I'm glad you suggested it! It's ten years sinceI've been there but oh what food! And the fastest waitersin New York! By the way I might be a little late so MissMonev will meet vou in front of the restaurant. Waittill YO{1 see her, Horace, all in buttercup yellow with babypink shoes and humming an old-fashioned tune, 'SweetRosie O'Grady,' you couldn't miss her if YOLl tried.

VANDERGELDER(Pointing to the mannequin)

... Mrs. Levi, she's beautiful! Everything you said andmore! Don't move, Miss "Money, I'm coming! I'm onmy way!

(HE starts up as MAN begins tuggingat figure's arm and pulls it off)

Hey, you, cut that out! That's my fiancee! Stop, thief!Pickpocket! Put that back, you, I paid for that girl andI want all the parts!

(!\IAN carries legs portion atdummy past V:\NDERGELDER)

Mrs. Levi! \Vhat is the meaning at this?

I'll be there, Dolly, but only because I already paid forthe introduction and I might as well get my money'sworth! But from this point all you are hereby dischargedas m~'marriage broker! Is that clear? From now on, DollyGallagher, you're just a WOman like anyone else! Whereare you taking me? What's going on here?

(The 1IEN are pushing the float offwith VANDERGELDERon it)

IvIRS. LEVI

MRS. LEVI

Nothing to get upset about, Horace, a last minute substi-tution. 1\1iss Money had a sudden urgent businessappointment at the Mint. They ran a little short andshe's helping out. But she'll meet you at the HurrnoniaGardens Restaurant at eight o'clock tonight!

Ephraim ... He's as good as minco

I'M GONNA RAISE THE ROOFI'M GONNA CARRY ONGIVE ME AN OLD TRO~JBONEGIVE ME AN OLD BATONBEFORE TI-IE PARADE PASSES BY!

VANDERGELDER

That's the most expensive restaurant in the city!

66 I I 67