What’s Meant To Be

By Kels Barnholdt

Copyright © 2011 Kels Barnholdt. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

I never sleep before the first day of school, ever. I always convince myself I’m going to sleep but it never happens. Instead, I toss and turn all night, overthinking every little thing that could possibly happen the next day. When I say every little thing, I do mean every little thing.

Is the outfit I picked out cute enough? Will it send the message that I was trying too hard? What if I don’t know anyone in my lunch well enough to sit when them? Will I have to go to the library and pretend I have work to do? On the other hand, no one ever has work to do on the first day of school, so everyone would totally know I was only in the library because I was a loser and had no one to sit with. What if I don’t have any classes with Alexa, my best friend since freshman year?

The list goes on and on and by the time I have to get up in the morning I’m in worse shape than the night before. This is because now not only am I extremely tired from being up all night but I have a knot in my stomach the size of a large rock from all the worrying I’ve been doing.

The night before the first day of my junior year however is way worse than any year I can remember. Not only do I have the normal things to spend all night worrying about, but somewhere deep down in the bottom part of my soul, in the very very back of my mind, I know I’m sure to be seeing Austin.

Now, as I sit in homeroom the next morning, I can’t help but still worry about it. While a tiny part of me is excited, most of me is just absolutely terrified.

Should I go up to him? Should I text him and ask him to meet me somewhere?

Will he text me?

The sound of someone slamming a notebook down hard on the desk next to me snaps me out of my thoughts and I turn to meet my best friend Alexa’s sharp blue eyes.

“Oh my god!” she gasps as she takes her blonde hair and twirls it up into a loose bun. “It has been the morning from hell!”

“Shhhh!” I whisper as I look around our homeroom at the few people who are now looking at Alexa like she might be a little crazy. “What happened to you this morning? You were supposed to meet me in front of the office, I texted and called you.”

Alexa lets out a little bit of a sigh and flops her body down in the chair next to me. Well, flops as much as she can considering she’s only a hundred pounds. “I know! I’m totally sorry, I could not decide what to wear this morning, then I had to stop for a Starbucks and the line was totally long and then when I got here well… there was a whole Karli situation to deal with.”

It takes me a minute to fully wrap my head around everything Alexa just shot out of her mouth. She’s talked this way ever since I’ve known her. I always tell her to breathe in between sentences but she just laughs like I’m joking.

“A Karli situation?” I fake shock, but I know what’s coming before Alexa even starts to explain. Karli is Alexa’s little sister. She’s a grade younger than us, and is always getting herself in trouble with girls in her grade. This is because Karli is just as little as Alexa with dark blonde hair and the same intense blue eyes.

Anyway, someone’s always thinking Karli is looking at their boyfriend or flirting with their boyfriend or liking one of their boyfriend’s pictures on facebook. This really wouldn’t be a big deal, since girls will be girls, except that Karli cant seem to let anything go. Which means she has no problem going up to whatever girl is upset with her and saying things like, “I don’t like your boyfriend at all, so maybe you should work on your insecurity issues.” Then walking away like nothing is wrong. Which in turn usually means the girl ends up wanting to kick Karli’s ass, and Karli never seems to be scared or worried about this even if the girl is twice her size. This is usually around the time that Alexa steps in.

“Yes!” Alexa screeches. “No way was I letting her get into a fight on the first day of school. I mean really, I tell her to lay low this year so she doesn’t get herself into another situation like last year with that Tina girl and already on the first day...” She must see the look on my face, though, because she trails off.

“Well anyway, you look totally cute today.”

I look down at my Old Navy Jeans and light blue tank top. What looked cute and simple this morning, somehow seems boring and childish next to Alexa.

She’s wearing black leggings, Ugg boots, and an oversized white sweater that’s decorated in some sort of silver and gold tinsil. The best part about her outfit, however, is how effortlessly it seems to be thrown together.

“Me?” I ask her as if she’s blind. “You make me look like Nikki Hilton.

And you’re Paris.”

Alexa looks confused. “Who’s Nikki Hilton?”

I sigh. “Exactly.”

“Haha, totally kidding.” Alexa laughs. “Ashley, relax, you look great. So have you seen Austin yet? I thought I saw him walking in but now that I think about it I’m not sure it was him, I mean if it was he was wearing this awful green shirt that just did not…”

“Alexa!” I gasp. “SHHHHHH!”

“What!?” She looks around quickly. “Its not like he’s in this homeroom, his last name doesn’t even start with an A.”

I grab her tiny arm and practically drag her out into the hallway.

“Owwww,” she wails, faking hurt as she rubs her arm.

Oh, please. I didn’t even have that tight of a grip. Did I? Hmm, it does look a little red now that I think about it. Oops.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, “but you need to be careful. Like three kids from the basketball team are in our homeroom and could easily tell him some crazy girl was talking about him.”

Alexa laughs and glances around the hallway before speaking. “Ash, you need to stop worrying so much. I mean, you’re gonna see him. He’s in our grade so its kind of unavoidable.”

“I know,” I sigh. “Its just I don’t want to be overbearing. He never answered the few texts I’ve sent him since I got home.”

Alexa smiles. “This could be a movie. One of the most popular boys in school ends up in the same hotel as you over summer vacation, and it turns out h is mom and your mom are in the same book club....and you end up spending almost every day together and become like super close. I mean Ash--you can’t make that shit up, it’s classic.”

I laugh and push her playfully. “Oh, shut up.”

She laughs back and says, “You two are totally gonna end up dating.”

I give her an annoyed look. “Me and Austin Givens are just friends.”

Alexa raises her eyebrows. “Are you honestly telling me you don’t like him even a little?”

“Yes, Lex, that’s what im honestly telling you.”

Alexa puts her hand on her hip. “Best friends do not lie to each other.”

Only I can’t answer her, I can’t speak even, because out of the corner of my eye, I see him. Austin. He’s about twenty feet away from us walking down the hall with a couple of senior

boys. As he nears I can feel the knot in my stomach growing even bigger, not to mention my heart’s beating a mile a minute.

Austin’s eyes meet mine, and for one quick moment, I feel like this is going to be the best first day of school I’ve ever had. The look on my face doesn’t last, though, and neither does the feeling in my heart.

Because something awful happens.

Without so much as a smile Austin looks away and walks right past me like I don’t exist.

Chapter Two

I’m not sure I know what a panic attack is, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been having one for the past half hour. My heart is beating so fast that I’m afraid it might explode in my chest. I’m sitting in my first period class and I feel as if the walls are slowly closing in around me.

After Austin blatantly ignored me in the hallway I felt like I was going to throw up and ended up spending the rest of homeroom in the bathroom with Alexa. “Maybe he just didn’t see you.” She tried to comfort me, but I wasn’t stupid, I knew he had. After I assured Alexa that I was neither blind nor that naïve, she moved onto the “Austin’s such a jerk, you don’t need a friend like that anyway” tactic.

The thing is though, I did need a friend like that. I mean, me and Austin had gotten so close over the summer. Or so I’d thought. It was true that at first I’d figured he was just being nice to me because his mom and my mom were friends, but as the time passed, I started to let myself believe it was more than that.

We would text each other even though we were only a few floors apart at the hotel. Our families would do things together almost every day; sometimes me, Austin, and his sister Miley would even stay up late in one of our rooms watching scary movies and ordering food.

Then, it turned into a lot of just me and Austin. Me and Austin going to get ice cream. Me and Austin sneaking out after our parents went to sleep to sit in the hotel lobby and just talk. Me and Austin going to get lunch together when no one else was around.

I told Austin things I didn’t tell anyone. Things it was hard for me to even talk about with Alexa. Like about my parents divorce or how I like to write short stories. And he told me things too, like how he only played soccer because he knew it made his dad happy, and how he wanted to be a journalist someday.

Things you don’t tell someone just because you’re being nice for your mom’s sake.

So what went wrong? What’s his deal? I’m so busy trying to figure out what Austin could possibly be thinking that it takes me a second to realize that everyone in the classroom is staring at me.

“Young lady, you’re up,” our teacher says, his eyes locked on me. I can’t seem to remember exactly what his name is. Something that starts with the letter P?

Nor do I have any idea what he is talking about. I’m just about to admit that I don’t really know what I’m up for when the door flies open and Karli stumbles into the the classroom, mumbling something under her breath.

Relief washes over me as all eyes in the room turn away from me and onto her. Unlike me, Karli looks anything but upset about being the center of attention.

“Mr. Preston!” Karli declares loudly.

Ha! I knew his name started with a P!

“Mr. Preston,” Karli says, this time a little bit less forcefully. “There was a mix up with my schedule, but not to worry. I went right to guidance and got it straightened out.”

Mr. Preston seems to have a pained expression on his face when he answers. “A mix up. What type of mix up Miss Greenwood?”

“Well, they tried to put me in Miss Gleeson’s class for Spanish II, but no way was I allowing that. I mean, Miss Gleeson? I can’t take her class, I had her for homeroom last year and she used to make me spit my gum out every morning before I was allowed in the room. She’d make me open my mouth even!” Karli delivers this statement as if a teacher asking her to spit out her gum is a violation of her human rights and not just a teacher enforcing school policy.

“Well, technically, gum isn’t supposed to be chewed during school hours…” but Mr. Preston trails off as if he knows anything he could possibly say would go in one ear and out the other with Karli.

“Well anyway,” Karli continues. “Once I explained to my counselor how I failed Spanish I in both 7th and 8th grade and I only passed last year ‘cause of you, well she moved me right into your class for Spanish II. So luckily it all worked out.” She waves her new schedule around as if to show Mr. Preston she isn’t lying.

Mr. Preston gives a little bit of a sigh before he answers “Well .. this is great news. Why don’t you take a seat?”

Karli smiles sweetly and stomps to the back of the room and takes a seat a few rows away from me. I guess Karli’s presence distracts Mr. Preston from whatever he wanted from me because

suddenly he’s going over the course outline he passed out at the beginning of class, and I’m in the clear, which is just fine with me.

I lock my eyes on Karli and wait for her to notice me, and when she does, her face lights up. Suddenly she’s taking her pencil and forcefully poking the girl who’s sitting next to me. “Psttt,” she hisses, way too loudly. I sigh and look away quickly because I fear a scene is about to unfold.

“Excuse me...” Karli whispers to the girl, who’s looking at Karli like a deer caught in the headlights. She’s tiny and clearly nervous about Karli poking her with a sharp object. She’s may even be a freshman, but I cant say for sure.

“I need you to switch seats with me,” she says to the girl, more telling her than asking her. Then, before the girl can answer, Karli’s up out of her seat and transferring the girl’s belongings from one desk to the other. The girl (who is clearly too shocked to speak) just sort of nods and then gets up and moves to the seat next to her. Mr. Preston, however, seems to be oblivious to what Karli is doing.

“Thank God we have a class together!” Karli exclaims much too loudly.

She isn’t even pretending to be subtle in talking to me, her whole entire body is turned in her chair as she looks at me. “Lex texted me and told me about what Austin did to you this morning. What a jerk!”

I look around quickly to make sure no one’s looking at her before I answer.

“Karli, you’re going to get me in trouble. We can talk about it after we get out of here, now shhh!”

Karli looks annoyed and within two seconds her hand is up in the air flapping back and forth.“Mr. Preston! Mr. Preston!” Karli’s partially jumping out of her seat. I look on, mortified at her actions as she continues to speak. “I feel sick, really sick, like I might throw up all over at any moment!”

The boy sitting in front of her slides his chair a few inches away from Karli.

Mr. Preston gets a grossed out expression on his face before he looks at the clock. “We only have a few minutes left before the bell rings.”

“I wont make it!” Karli clutches her stomach for emphasis. “I think it might be cramps!”

Mr. Preston waves his hands as if to say he doesn’t want to hear anymore and tells Karli to go to the nurse and quickly.

“I might not make it on my own! What if I pass out on the way there and no one sees me on the ground, and I end up getting kicked and I need help? You!”

She declares loudly, looking right at me. “What’s your name? Can you come with me? Please??”

I look at Mr. Preston waiting for him to jump in, to tell Karli she’s ridiculous, that he knows the two of us are friends. To knock it off and either go or stay.

To my utter shock Mr. Preston nods, looks at me, and says “You’d better take her, make sure she gets down there safely.” He says it more in a way like he doesn’t trust Karli to be out there alone, not that he actually believes she needs assistance to go to the nurse’s office.

Once we’re out in the hall and the door is safely closed behind us, I swing my body around and look Karli in the face. “What are you thinking?” I demand, still shocked at what she just got away with.

“I’m thinking,” Karli says smugly, “that I’m saving your life.”

“How could you possibly do that?”

“Because,” she says matter of factly. “We’re going to find Austin and tell him exactly what we think of him.”

Then before I can say anything she turns and starts walking down the hall.

Chapter 3

I stumble as I run after Karli as fast as I possibly can. “Whoa, whoa slow down there, crazy. You left your mind somewhere back there.”

“Haha very funny. I mean it, Ashley. You have to find out what his deal is.

How is this situation fair to you?” Karli asks, still walking down the hall.

I run to get a few steps ahead of her, then place my body in front of her, forcing her to come to a stop in the middle of the hall. “Karli, you need to stop. I’ll talk to him. I will. But I don’t think ambushing him in the middle of his first period class is the right way to go.” I’m talking slowly now, trying to make her understand exactly where I’m coming from.

She rolls her eyes and looks at me. “We aren’t going to ambush him in his first period class.”

I let out a sigh of relief and take a step back from her.

“We’re going to his second period class, we’ll never make it to his first period before the bell rings.” She starts walking down the hall again.

“His second period?” I ask in a small voice, still trying to keep up with her.

“Yes!” She’s talking so loudly that her voice is echoing through the hallway now. “Then we wait for him outside and when he least expects it, BOOM!” She claps her hands for emphasis. “We pounce on him!”

“KARLI!” I shout, hoping to snap her out of her crazy rant. “He’s a boy, not a mouse. And we’re girls, not cats. How do you even know where his second period class is?”

“Well…” She looks away. “I might have glanced at his schedule while I was in guidance this morning.”

“You didn’t! Do you have any idea how much trouble you could get in for that?”

Karli rolls her eyes. “Ashley, please. I mean, it was two seconds really, and I only saw his first and second period. First period English, second period gym…and maybe a few others but I mean, really, that shit is practically public knowledge.”

“Second period gym?” I cut her off.

Karli sighs. “Yes Ash, gym, in the west gym. Which is so gross, I mean he’s totally gonna be all sweaty the rest of the day.”

“I have second period gym,” I tell her softly.

This stops Karli dead in her tracks. “You do?”

“Yeah,” I say, looking down. Suddenly I feel a little lightheaded.

“Well” she says, “this changes everything. Good! Now you have the chance to see what his deal is without it looking like we’re stalking him.”

“Hey!” I say. “You made it out like it would seem totally normal.”

Karli laughs. “Don’t be silly, it could have totally fucked everything up!

Haha!”

But I think she sees the look on my face, then because her tone softens.

“Hey, just promise me you’ll stick up for yourself okay?”

I smile. “I promise.”

She nods. “Good. You’re too good of a person to let people walk all over you, Ash.”

Then the bell rings and her face is lost in the string of people coming out of nearby classrooms. And I’m alone with nothing left to do but go to second period.

********

I know no one in my second period gym class, and when I say no one, I do mean no one. The gym is covered with kids scrambling around, climbing on the bleachers, looking for their friends. They’re hugging, and hand clapping, and even some fist pumping. And in the mist of all this, I do not see one face I am comfortable enough to approach.

I’m scanning the crowd, searching for someone, anyone to talk to when I spot him. Austin. He’s standing in the middle of the gym looking just as lost as I feel. This is it, I think. The perfect time. I’m just going to march right up to him and ask him why he avoided me this morning. Ask him why he hasn’t talked to me since we got back from Florida.

I breathe in a few times, then gather up all the courage I have left and start to walk over to him. He’s busy looking around, taking in his surroundings, but his eyes land on mine. And they don’t leave me until I’m right next to him.

Neither one of us says anything for a moment, but it’s me who speaks first.

“Hey,” I say quickly.

“Hi,” he responds. “How, uh, how have you been?”

He’s nervous. I can tell by the way he’s stumbling over his words a little, but he shouldn’t be. It’s me.

“Good, really good.” It’s a lie, I mean, I’ve been good but not like amazing or anything. Just like average.

“Yeah, me too. Busy, really really busy.” He runs his hand through his dark hair and looks down, almost like his eyes can’t meet mine.

“Yeah? Is that why I haven’t heard from you?” I ask him. I figure there’s no point in holding anything back, so I add, “I saw you this morning, and I thought you saw me, but maybe you didn’t.”

“No,” Austin says and for the first time he’s looking at me the way he did over the summer. “Ashley, I saw you.”

“Then what happened?” I ask him now, and my eyes are pleading with him.

Asking him to just stop being weird, and to go back to how we used to be over the summer. When we were best friends and it was so simple and not complicated. He opens his mouth but before he can say anything he’s knocked forward by what seems to be a large object someone has thrown on his back. It takes me a second to realize it’s a girl, not an object. A girl with long dark brown hair and a dress much too short to be jumping on anyone like that.

Once she gets off his back and wraps her tiny arms around his waist, I realize it’s Melissa Petron. Melissa Petron, who’s so tiny she makes me look like a giant. Melissa Petron who’s on the varsity cheerleading squad and almost too perfect to handle. Melissa Petron who has hated me ever since seventh grade when I got student of the month over her.

“Oh,” she says, looking me up and down. “Were you, um, in the middle of something?”

I want to say that yes, actually we are in the middle of something here, like trying to figure out why someone I thought was my best friend wont talk to me.

Austin, however, seems to be at a loss for words. And after what seems like hours, I realize he isn’t going to say anything.

“No,” I say, “we weren’t.” And then I turn on my heel and start to stomp away.

“Ashley.” Austin’s voice echoes through the gym above all the talking and so I hear him loud and clear, but when I turn around to meet his gaze, Melissa’s rolling her eyes and pulling him by the hand after her, and he’s letting her.

I stomp up the bleachers and take a seat at the very top. Since it’s pretty clear I’m not going to find anyone that I know in here, I figure it’s better to be away from everyone so I can be miserable alone.

I feel angry, very angry. Angry at Melissa and her stupid black dress.

Angry at myself for not telling her to go away. But mostly I’m angry at Austin.

Austin for not saying one word to me that made it seem like he cared even a little bit about our friendship.

All the things we told one another over the summer, all the things we did together, and it’s that easy for him to pretend it never happened. Like we were never even friends at all. Well fine, if that’s how he feels, then screw him. Austin who? Never even heard of him. La la la, don’t need anyone but myself.

Our gym teacher, Mr. White, who I had last year and is actually really nice, calls the gym to order and everyone becomes quiet as he starts to call off names for attendance. I concentrate hard on listening to every name he says, praying that I’ll recognize a name or a face that I somehow missed in the crowd. I lean forward a little bit and catch a glimpse of Melissa and Austin sitting together a few rows away from me. I roll my eyes and look away. Good thing I don’t care about him at all or anything or I might be upset right now. La.

Mr. White spends the rest of the period going over all the basics (proper dress code, make up classes, sick days, blah blah blah). Then he has the boys come down and fill out a little blue card for him to keep on file and gives them a bunch of forms to bring home for their parents.

After the boys are done and go back up to their seats, the girls start to file down, one by one. There’s about thirty of us, and we’re handed clipboards and pencils with the same blue forms on them. I find a spot on the far wall and start to fill out my form so I can go back to my seat.

I’m just starting to print my name when Melissa smacks her clipboard down hard on the wall next to me, much too close for comfort. I roll my eyes but I’m determined to not let her get to me so I go back to concentrating on my form.

Address: 156 Sheldon Lane

Height: 5’6”

Weight: 135

Melissa snickers loudly next to me. “One thirty-five? Yeah, right.”

I move my clipboard further away from her give her a nasty look. “I am actually, thank you very much.”

Melissa looks me up and down like she’s honestly considering this, then shakes her head. “No way. I mean your legs alone are probably like seventy pounds.”

“What’s your problem, Melissa?” I snap.

Melissa laughs, like the thought of me starting to get angry is funny to her.

“I don’t have a problem. It’s just you’re supposed to be as honest as possible on these forms, and you, well, you’re lying. Why are you a liar, Ashley?”

The way she spits it at me is so conniving and so annoying that the words are out of my mouth before I even realize what I’m saying. “Why are you such a bitch, Melissa?”

Her shove is hard and my back contacts with the wall quickly , so quick that it takes me a second to realize she just pushed me. Before I have a chance to react, Mr. White is between us and I can tell by the look on his face that he is not happy.

“You two, office, now.”

Chapter 4

The chairs in the lobby of the office are about as comfortable as a lock. I wonder if it’s some type of indirect punishment for being in there to begin with, since the people who are in the principal’s office are usually in trouble for doing something wrong. Like ha-ha I’ll teach you, you felt like acting out, well now you can sit in these hard chairs while you wait to get yelled at and punished. Well, the joke’s on them because someone will probably end up getting back problems from these chairs. Maybe the school will even get sued.

Melissa comes trotting out of the office with a yellow form in her hands and smirks at me as she walks by.

“Ashley,” the secretary tells me, “you can go on in now.” She’s a plump woman with a sweet smile and somehow being out here with her wasn’t that bad compared to whatever waits for me beyond those doors.

Our principal, Mr. Morgan, is on the phone when I enter his office. I sit down in the chair across from him, fold my hands in my lap, and wait. Lucky for me the chairs in here are a little more comfortable because it takes him a few minutes to wrap up whatever he’s taking care of. Something about a student missing the bus and the school refusing to send it back to get him. Yikes.

When he finally hangs up the phone a few minutes later, he sighs aloud, but forces a half smile when he looks at me.

“So, Ashley, why don’t you tell me what went wrong this morning?” His voice is kind and unintimidating.

I do the best I can to tell him the events of last period exactly as I remember them happening and when I’m finished he just looks at me for what seems like forever before he speaks. “Well,” he says finally, “we seem to have a little bit of a problem then.”

“A problem?” I ask him, a little nervous now. “What type of problem?”

“You and Melissa have a completely different version of what happened.

She says you provoked her, were taunting her really, and she only pushed you because you got in her face and she was scared you were about to hit her.”

I gasp aloud. “Mr. Morgan. That. Is. Not. What. Happened.” Of course Melissa would stick to the old self-defense theory, because she doesn’t have the backbone to take the consequences of her actions. I should have known better.

“Look,” Mr. Morgan tells me. “You’re a good kid, Ashley. You’re almost never in my office. I know this is out of character for you. Unfortunately, at this point it’s your word against Melissa’s, and we have a very strict policy about fighting at school.”

“But I wasn’t fighting at school!” I tell him. “I didn’t even touch her!”

Mr. Morgan shakes his head. “Here’s what’s going to happen. Since it’s only the first day of school and you aren’t what we refer to as ‘troubled,’ you’re going to receive an alternative to suspension. You can go back to class as normal and finish out the rest of the day. Monday and Thursday of next week you will stay after school until five o’clock and go through anger management classes.”

I’m so annoyed that I can barely speak. Anger management classes? I didn’t even touch her!

“I don’t have an anger problem. I didn’t even touch her.”

Mr. Morgan sighs. “Ashley, this is the best option that I can offer you. The alternative is two full days suspension, and somehow when I call your parents to explain the situation I think that this is going to sound a lot better to them than suspension on your first day back to school.”

The threat of my parents brings me back to reality and I start to relent. The last year has been really tough on my mom with the divorce and everything, and the last thing I need to do is cause her anymore stress, or give her and my dad something else to fight about.

I sigh. “I understand.”

“All right then,” Mr. Morgan says, closing the file that’s on his desk and handing me the same yellow form I saw Melissa heading out of the office with before. “Why don’t you head back to class then.”

********

I don’t even make it halfway down the hall before Alexa flings her entire body on top of me and I almost fall over.

“Hey!” I exclaim detangling her from me. “I’ve been pushed enough times for one day!”

“What. The. Fuck. Happened?” Alexa’s practically jumping up and down in front of me. “The whole school is talking about you!”

“They are?” I ask. Ha! Take that Melissa! The lie she told the principal must have traveled all over the school by now. Everyone is probably talking about how I was screaming in her face and she was so scared of me that she pushed me, begging me to not hit her! How’s that for karma?

“Yes,” Alexa says. “The whole school! Everyone’s saying that Melissa like totally laid your ass out in gym in front of everyone!”

“That Melissa laid my ass out?”

“She said you totally went crazy with jealousy because her and Austin were sitting together and she had to like totally put you in your place. Now once again, what the FUCK happened?” Alexa’s talks so fast that I’m starting to get lost in her words.

“Not that, not that even a little. And I am not obsessed with Austin. I could care less about the kid. He’s nothing to me. NOTHING!” I’m so filled with rage over this whole situation at this point that the words fly out of my mouth.

It takes me about twenty seconds to realize something must be wrong, because Alexa’s just standing there with a blank expression on her face and not saying anything. Quiet is not something that Alexa does.

“Well,” Alexa says, “I should go.” Then she sprints off down the hall, and when I turn around, confused, I see why.

Austin’s standing about four feet from me.

Chapter 5

The whole thirty seconds that it’s silent between us feels like the longest period of time in the history of the world. I hate being this close to him, my heart can’t handle being this close to him right now. The pain still stings too much.

He speaks first. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” I say simply. “You did.”

“Look Ashley, about what happened last period, I don’t blame you. I know Melissa can be a little bossy sometimes…” he trails off and suddenly every single bone in my body feels hot.

“Melissa? Are you honestly talking to me about Melissa right now?” How could he possibly think that what happened with Melissa was the most important thing on my mind right now? Melissa who? She doesn’t even matter, what I care about is why he was acting like we weren’t even friends anymore, how it was so easy for him to be such a jerk after spending almost the entire summer with me.

Austin looks everywhere but at me when he continues. “Look I was up on the bleachers, I don’t know exactly what happened, or if it was about me or whatever…”

I laugh aloud. “Oh please Austin, don’t flatter yourself. It wasn’t about you.”

“Oh, so what are you saying--that I’m not worth getting into a fight for?”

he snaps.

I’m not about to get into a stupid fight over how big his ego is, so I ask the question I’ve wanted to know the answer to all day. “Why have you been ignoring me since we got home? And why did you look away from me this morning?

Why?”

“Ashley, I’m sorry, okay?” His face softens when his eyes meet mine “It’s complicated.”

“No, its not, Austin. It’s not complicated at all. I thought we were friends.”

“We are,” he tells me. “We are friends, Ash.”

“No,” I say. “No we aren’t, because friends don’t ignore one another for weeks or look the other way when they see each other in the hallway. No friends of mine act like that, Austin.”

He takes a step closer to me. “Can you calm down? You’re like shaking.

You need to relax.”

I steady myself and try to get my emotions under control. “What happened?” I ask him. He looks away from me again and I say his name. “Austin, what happened? Tell me.”

He looks at me then and sighs. “I guess I just got freaked out once I got back. I mean, the whole thing was just a little intense. I’d never told anyone the stuff I told you in Florida. No one, especially not a girl. And then…” he trails off.

“And then what?” I press him to continue.

“Nothing, its stupid.”

“And then what Austin?”

He pauses, and for a second I think he might not answer, but he does.

“Mike Foley had this party a few days after I got home, and everyone was there, and they were all asking about my vacation, you know. So I started to talk about some of the stuff we did…and

your name came up. Only Melissa and her friends started making this big deal, saying all this stuff about how weird you were and about how you probably planned to run into me down there and…I just…I don’t know.” He’s looking down at the ground now and I can tell he’s ashamed of everything he just admitted to me.

“And you believed them? Because whatever Melissa and all her friends think must be true, right?”

“No,” he says forcefully. “Not right, but at the time, I don’t know. I don’t know what I was thinking and I guess I started to treat you differently after that.”

I shake my head and hold back the tears that are beginning to form behind my eyes. “We spent everyday together over the summer. You should have known me better than that.”

“I know,” he says, and he’s so close to me now that I can feel his breath on my face. “And I’m really, really sorry.”

For a minute I almost believe him, I almost believe that he really is sorry, that he still cares and wants to make this right. But somewhere deep down inside of me is the truth. And the truth is that I’m way too hurt to forgive him.

I take a step away, muster up my strength, and look at him. “It’s too late for that. You’re a coward, and that’s not the type of friend I want to have.”

Then I turn around on my heel and leave him standing there alone in the middle of the hall.

Chapter 6

This is the worst first day of school I’ve ever had. I swear it’s like set in the stars or something that my first day of school will always suck. I might as well just start staying home. It’s not like I miss out on any learning on the first day, since nothing worth remembering is taught on the first day of school anyway.

I’m in the second floor bathroom now pacing back and forth like a crazy person. As soon as I left Austin standing in the middle of the hallway, I took out my phone and texted Alexa 911 telling her to meet me here, but so far no Alexa.

I’m so mad and upset about everything that’s happened today that there’s no way I can face going to class right now, especially with what everyone’s apparently already saying about me. I’m not strong enough to deal with the looks or questions that are sure to come after the events of this morning. I’m just about to give up on Alexa altogether when she finally comes busting through the bathroom door. Her hair is all disheveled, she’s completely out of breath, and she appears to be limping or something.

“I…got here... as fast... as I could,” she tells me in between gasps for air.

“Jeez. Where were you? Canada?” I ask. “You don’t look so good.”

She shoots me an annoyed look. “That’s almost like a thank you for rushing to your rescue! Now tell me what happened after I left. Tell me this instant!”

“Well,” I say, “he’s a jerk!”

She considers this carefully before answering “How so?”

“The reason he hasn’t been talking to me is because he went to a party after he got home and Melissa and all his friends were making fun of me, ” I announce

“And he cares what people think more than he cares about what I think.”

Alexa gasps. “What. A. Pig.”

“I know!” Now I’m starting to pace back and forth again. “If he cares so much about what Melissa and her friends think, he can be their friend, not mine!”

“Yeah!” Alexa says now. “He’s just as bad as them!”

“He is isn’t he?” I say it more like a statement than a question.

“Yes! They deserve each other!” Alexa’s kind of yelling now.

“Yeah!” I say back just as loud. “Screw them!”

“Yeah!” Alexa says. “And to say he cares more about what people think than he does about you, OMG, like really, how pathetic is he?”

“Yeah!” I say, then realize what she just said. “Well…he didn’t say that exactly per se…but close enough!”

I wait for Alexa to keep up with the back and forth chanting, which lets face it, at this point is actually starting to make me feel better, but she just looks at me kind of blankly. “Well, what exactly did he say?”

“Just what I said, that he went to a party and people we’re talking about me, and it freaked him out.”

“And did he feel bad?”

“He tried to say he was sorry, like I’d ever forgive him! HA!” I say. Then I throw in a Tthe JERK!” as a last effort to start our ranting back up again, but Alexa doesn’t seem to be having it.

“He said sorry?” She asks and suddenly she looks kind of thoughtful.

“Hmm, why don’t you tell me exactly what happened.”

So I replay to Alexa the exact conversation as I remember it and when I’m done she’s quiet. “Well?” I ask her. “Can you believe him?”

“So,” Alexa says .“He didn’t really say all his friends were talking about you? He said it was mostly just Melissa and her friends?”

“Well, I guess.” I’m a little annoyed now. I mean Alexa’s my best friend, shouldn’t she be like ready to hunt him down and tell him off or something? “But it’s pretty much the same thing.”

“Well not really,Ash.” She takes out her makeup bag and starts reapplying her makeup like maybe this conversation wasn’t as intense as she once thought. “I mean, we’ve known Melissa and those girls since middle school, and we both know more than anyone how manipulative they can be. They can be so over the top and convincing in what they say that sometimes you can’t help but get wrapped up in it for a little while.”

“I can’t even believe you’re sticking up for him right now. You’re my best friend.”

She sets the eyeliner in her hand down and turns to look at me. “I’m not sticking up for him, what he did was wrong, no doubt--but I don’t know. Maybe you should hear him out.”

“Well, I don’t want to,” I tell her stubbornly.

“Yes you do.” She says matter of factly.

I gasp aloud. “No, I do not.”

She smiles a sad smile. “Deep down you do.”

“How do you know what I want?” I demand. “You don’t know what’s going on in my head.”

“You’re right, I don’t. But I know you’re my best friend and I know that you were happier this summer than you have been in a really long time.”

“No I wasn’t,” I say, but it sounds unconvincing even to me.

Alexa stares at me a second. “Oh yeah?” she says and she’s digging around for something in her purse. A few seconds later she retrieves her cell phone and starts scrolling through her texts.

What is she thinking? Can’t she see I’m going through a crisis here? Who could she possibly need to text at this exact moment?

She should really start to take best friend lessons or something, I mean honestly, this is just getting ridiculous.

Then suddenly she starts reading aloud from her phone. “I never thought I’d say this Lex—ever--but I’m really glad Austin ended up being here. I’ve never felt as close to a boy as I do with him.”

I recognize the text immediately. It’s one I sent Alexa over the summer one night after me and Austin had just gone mini golfing. Before I can react, Alexa starts reading off another text. “I feel like I can tell Austin anything and he would never laugh at me, even if it was totally stupid. Is that weird?”

“Where did you get those?” I demand, reaching for her phone.

“I saved them, locked them right up.” She puts her phone behind her back.

“Want me to read you more? I have plenty.”

“No,” I snap, “I don’t. And why would you even save those?”

“’Cause,” Alexa says, “you were happy, for the first time in a long time.

You weren’t stressed out about your parents’ divorce, or about things that you shouldn’t be worrying about, Ashley. You weren’t worried about things that are completely out of your control, you were just happy. Austin helped do that, and it’s easy to forget that when you’re upset.” I don’t say anything and she continues.

“Or we could just stop all this pretending and talk about what’s really killing you right now, Ash.”

“And what’s that?”

“You don’t send texts like this about someone you don’t care about as more than a friend. You’re upset because you got close to him, which I get. But it’s okay to admit that you like him, and you like him a lot. Until we address that, you’re not going to get anywhere.”

I think about denying it, about telling her she’s crazy, but I know deep down that she’s right. I do like Austin. I do. A lot. And if I can’t trust my best friend with that, who can I trust? So I nod instead. “I know.”

Alexa smiles “Then tell him. Fight for him, Ash. If you can’t do it, if things could never be the same, I get it. But if any of this was real,” she says, waving her phone in the air, “then I’d give it a chance, I’d fight for it. Don’t let Melissa and her snobby friends ruin the first real thing you’ve had in a long time. That’s all I’m saying.”

She knows she has me, even before she wraps up her speech. I can tell by the look on her face. “But if you can’t do that,” she says, “I respect you enough to not push it, ‘cause you’re my best friend, and I love you no matter what.”

I look away from her, not because I’m mad at her, but because everything she just said to me is really hitting home.

“He probably hates me now anyway.”

She looks at me, amused. “He doesn’t hate you, now come here.”

“For what?”

“So I can do your makeup. You can’t get him back looking like that.”

Chapter 7

Twenty minutes later my foundation is freshly applied, my cheeks are bronzed, and my eyes are perfectly lined with a light gray glittery eye shadow. My hair is now full of volume and falling in bouncy layers around my face, thanks to the million hair products Alexa magically pulled out of her bag. “You can never be too prepared,” she told me.

I look at myself in the mirror and I cant help but admit to myself that I look pretty good. “Perfect.”

“Almost perfect.” Alexa pulls her sparkly sweater over her head so all she’s left wearing is a long black tank top, which still looks amazing with her outfit.

“Here,” she says, handing me her sweater.

“Lex…” I start to protest but she shoves the sweater in my hand.

“Take it.”

I slide the fabric over my head and I feel beautiful. The sweater was oversized on her short frame but on me its just right and it hugs my body in just the right way. She hands me her oversized white hoop earrings, and they’re the perfect final touch.

I feel a lot better. And it’s not just because I look amazing, either. It’s because I have a best friend who would skip class just to sit in the bathroom with me and do my makeup and talk to me after I had a really horrible day. Suddenly I feel like I might start crying.

“Oh no!” Alexa cries. “What’s wrong now? You look gorg!”

“No nothing.” I turn to look at her. “I’m just really glad you’re my best friend.”

Alexa smiles, shakes her head, then rolls her eyes. “We can totally have a Disney channel moment later, okay? I promise. But right now let’s go find the guy of your dreams.”

I smile, and let her pull me into the hallway.

“Now all we have to do is figure out where he is,” I say.

Me and Alexa both stop turn to each other. “Karli,” we say at the same time.

“I’ll text her,” Alexa announces, pulling out her phone. “One new text, yay!” Alexa says as she unlocks her phone. “Ugh, its from Shannon Fuller. She’s still chasing me around about that sweater I borrowed at the beginning of summer.

I mean it was so last season, and how was I to know I wasn’t supposed to put it in the dryer, I mean really...” but then she stops in mid sentence and the look on her face is one filled with worry and anxiety.

“What?” I ask her, trying to get closer to her screen so I can see what it says. “What does it say?”

Alexa hits the power button on her phone and the screen goes black. “It says ‘get to the café now, your sister’s in trouble.’”

Me and Alexa stare at each other for a second and then both take off running down the hall towards the cafeteria.

******************

Alexa swings the doors of the cafeteria open and I practically trip over her heels, I’m so close behind her. The door slams shut after us and I scan the room for any sign of Karli. At first I think Shannon must have made a mistake because everything appears to be normal, everyone’s laughing and eating, and I don’t see Karli anywhere. Then Alexa grabs my arm and points down to the very other end of the caf, and I see it. Karli and Melissa standing face to face and whatever words they’re exchanging do not seem to be pleasant.

Me and Alexa rush to Karli’s side. “Um, whats going on?” Alexa asks in a calm voice, a voice that even to me sounds like a voice of reason.

“She keeps throwing stuff at me,” Karli says. “So I came over to tell her to knock off her shit.”

I look to the table next to where we’re standing and notice that it’s all Melissa’s friends. A few seats down I can see Austin out of the corner of my eye.

His presence is enough to send butterflies shooting through my stomach. Suddenly I start to feel nervous, not only because Austin’s here, but because this isn’t even my lunch period, and the last thing I need is my parents getting a phone call saying I’ve been in the principal’s office twice in one day.

“And I was just saying,” Melissa’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts and back to reality, “that I didn’t throw anything at her, so maybe she should stop ACCUSING people of things that aren’t true.” She’s talking loudly and people are starting to look at us now.

Alexa sighs. “Come on Karli, let’s just go sit down.”

“No!” Karli says. “I KNOW it was her. AND I want to HIT her!”

The caf’s getting quiet, and I can see people stretching their necks a little to see what’s going on. I can’t help but wonder where the teachers are that are supposed to be monitoring lunch. I mean, I know it’s the first day of school, but come on, isn’t that why we have teachers? To, uh, monitor things like this?

I sigh and nudge Karli away from Melissa a little. “Come on,” I tell her.

“Trust me when I say it’s not worth the battle.”

Melissa snorts. “What battle is that, Ashley? News flash; you lost. Take a look around, no one in this room really cares if you exist or not. You’re ugly, and if you disappeared, I highly doubt anyone would notice.”

The words are sharp and humiliating. I know everyone in the caf has probably just heard what she said and part of me wants to run out of the room crying, and another part of me wants to slap that smug look off her face. I don’t do either though. I just laugh. I find myself laughing. The look on her face now is one of shock and annoyance but I’m laughing and I can’t help it, I just can’t stop.

Finally, I compose myself and shrug. “You’re wrong, Melissa. I’m not ugly and I have people who care about me. But if I were ugly and if no one cared if I ever showed up at this school again, I’d still rather have either one of those things than be like you.” I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, but I don’t stop talking. “I’d rather be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and

know I’m a good person than turn out like you. You make other people’s lives miserable to make yourself feel better. And that must get really, really lonely sometimes.”

I turn and meet Alexa’s eyes for a second before starting to walk out of the cafeteria. Melissa’s response is so loud that it echoes through the entire room. “All the makeup in the world doesn’t change the fact that you’re a freak, Ashley.”

Its not her voice that stops me in my tracks, though. It’s the voice of the person who talks next.

“She’s not a freak.”

It’s a simple statement and if it had come from anyone else I wouldn’t have even stopped, but the sound of his voice makes me turn around to meet his eyes.

Austin.

He’s getting up from his chair now and walking around the table “And you…” he says, stopping in front of Melissa, “are so…so...God, you’re just so annoying.”

Meliss’s mouth drops open like she can’t believe what he just said. But Austin keeps talking. “If I have to hear another stupid story about how you manage to never wear the same outfit more than once I’m going to literally go crazy.”

A few of the boys sitting at Melissa’s table laugh and she shoots them a dirty look.

“I don’t want to be your friend Melissa, I don’t even want to look at you.”

“Oh,” Melissa says “but you want to be HER friend?”

Austin turns and looks at me. “That’s the thing. I haven’t been her friend.

Friends don’t leave one another, or ignore one another, just because of what people say. And that’s on me. But for the record, I think she looks beautiful. Even without the makeup.”

I can’t help the warmth that comes over my body when he says it, or the smile that appears on my face. I take a step toward him “Friends do stick up for one another when someone’s hurting them though,” I tell him.

“So we only have one problem then.” With every word out of his mouth he’s taking another step toward me. “I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be your boyfriend.”

He’s so close to me now I can feel his breath when he talks, he smells like cinnamon and vanilla, and somewhere in the back of my mind I’m aware that the whole lunchroom is still staring at us. “Austin…”

“Don’t,” he says. “Don’t pay attention to everyone looking at us. Only look at me, because you’re the only person I see.” And then in the middle of the cafeteria with everyone watching, Austin kisses me.

And somewhere in the deepest part of my heart I realize that this is the best first day of school ever.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter Two

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter Two

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7