Module 3 Introduction:!Mindsets, Make People Like and Respect You

What We’ve Covered So Far

• Different types of conversations, what to say, and how to keep a conversation going and avoiding common mistakes shy people make when talking to people.!

• Tricks to become more physically relaxed. Exercises to speak up louder. Communicate high status with your voice and body language.

What We’ll Cover• Mindsets. Your outer

reality is a reflection of your inner reality. !

• True self. How to stop performing and make conversations effortless. !

• Congruence. Eliminating the gap between the persona you project, and your real core personality.

The Problem With Only Changing Outer Behavior/Words• Your body is your unconscious mind. It projects to the outside

world what you feel on the inside.!

• Even if you make corrections in your overall body language, a lack of confidence (low self esteem, negative feelings about yourself) will still “show through” in your micro expressions. Tension in your eyes, how quickly you look away at people, whether you can “hold” the confidence under pressure, etc.!

• Congruence = being the same person on the inside and the outside. Not trying to appear different than how you actually are. People are very intuitive, they can sense incongruence from a mile away.

Belief Change Happens !Out In The Real World

• This being said, these modules are going to be as PRACTICAL as the first 2. New mindsets are not just theory. No amount of chanting or repeating phrases to yourself is going to overcome bad beliefs.!

• I’ll show you the PROCESS for forming new beliefs that make you confident in this module, but it does involve expanding your comfort zone. If you’re listening to this, it means you want to change.!

• PUA lair example. Guy focusing on inner game for 3 years. Now even more scared to approach a girl. Actions must change along with new beliefs.

Mindset Hacking Part 1

What Is A Mindset?• Mindset: Habit of mind formed through previous

experience that determines how you will interpret and respond to situations. Revealed through words you choose, how you say them, and other cues in your body language.!

• Most people with shyness or social anxiety enter social situations with an unconscious belief that they will be rejected. You think other people won’t like you.

• Shyness, quietness = behavioral strategy to avoid attention, because attention probably leads to rejection.

• Anxiety, nervousness = uncomfortable emotions that arise when you expect you are likely to be rejected. It’s almost like a warning signal from your brain. (Rejection activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does, rejection from the tribe for our ancestors meant no survival.)

• Self-consciousness, awkwardness = trying to see yourself from the perspective of other people and create a good impression. (To avoid rejection.)

• Isolation = acting as if you have some deep dark secret that will mean instant loneliness if it were discovered.

• Not Knowing What To Say = unconsciously filtering your thoughts in some situations to make a good impression on others.Trying to make everything you say really “interesting” or funny to get good reactions. Maybe uncomfortable with silence.

Mindset Hacking Part 2

Reversing The Cycle Part 1

How I Used To Approach Girls

• See a girl, get really nervous, procrastinate, try to think of what to say… Friend pushes me to go. Finally walk up to her feeling bad and awkward inside and speaking to quietly. Bomb and get rejected over and over again.!

• Back then I had many insecurities: Didn’t like my appearance, paranoid about people “finding out” I was a loner and a loser, etc. Thought that my appearance was causing my lack of success.

Why People Get Turned Off

• I’m sure you can relate. Maybe not rejected by hot girl, but you felt at many times in your life unwanted and forgotten. Like nobody makes an effort to get to know you. Sitting alone in class.!

• Why don’t people like you? Why did I keep getting rejected by girls in bars?

The Power Of Assumptions• Our assumptions or predictions of what is going to

happen in social situations usually come true. What do I mean by this? !

• If you assume you’ll be accepted, then you usually will. And if you predict that you’ll get disapproval or rejection, then you also usually will.!

• The key to making people like you is assuming they will like you. Sounds like a paradox, but it’s true…

Assuming Acceptance• If I had assumed that the girl would be attracted to me, or at least

that she would be friendly … then how would I have acted instead?!

• Well, I probably wouldn’t have waited around before talking to her. If I had assumed she would accept me, then I probably would have simply walked over in a relaxed way, and said the first thing that popped into my head. And then the conversation would have gone from there.!

• I’ve approached plenty of other girls since then, and the biggest thing that determined whether they accepted or rejected me was my own behavior and my assumption of their acceptance. My appearance barely changed.

Assuming Acceptance• You are always unconsciously broadcasting your

inner beliefs to the people around you. Through your behaviour — from the way you make eye contact, to your posture, to the tone of your voice, to how open you feel to express your real personality and humor.!

• People pick up on these signs or cues in your behaviour. And this determines how they usually respond to you.

Assuming Acceptance• So if you walk up to someone confident and relaxed,

with an assumption of acceptance, then that communicates a lot about you. It communicates that: !

• you probably have a group of people who already accept you. !

• you consider yourself valuable and worth getting to know. !

• you believe you have something to offer this person.

Versus Assuming Rejection• On the other hand, if you walk up to someone nervous

and insecure, then what does that communicate? Well, probably most people don’t like you — otherwise why would you be so scared? You probably don’t have a lot to offer — maybe you’re trying to get something from this person or trick them. And you probably don’t consider yourself valuable.!

• And if people can see through your lack of confidence that YOU yourself don’t think you are valuable, then why should they think you are valuable? (After all, who knows you better than you know yourself?)

Insecurity And Assumptions

• Shyness and social anxiety is usually an assumption of disapproval. Feelings of nervousness and anxiety before talking to a girl reveal your belief that you will probably get rejected.!

• Assumption of Disapproval: The feeling like people won’t like you for some reason. Or believing that “the real you” is unacceptable. Feeling like you need to hide parts of yourself to get acceptance.

• Why are you afraid to talk to that girl or guy you like? The fear comes from a prediction that they will reject you. If you really believed, deep down, that you two would have a great conversation, then why would you be afraid?!

• Why do you find it so difficult to hold conversations, especially with people you don’t know well? The biggest thing that kills you and makes you “run out of things to say” is thinking you need to say some super-interesting thing. You assume they will disapprove of you unless you perform for them.!

• Why is it hard for people with social anxiety to form close friendships or relationships? Well, since you can’t easily relax around someone and “put your real self” out there until you have known them for a long time, it becomes very difficult to connect. The reason why you have this fear of vulnerability is because you unconsciously assume people wouldn’t like the real you.

Common Insecurities• Appearance: Maybe you think you are too ugly. Or too tall or

short. Too skinny or fat. Maybe your teeth are crooked or your nose is too big. Maybe your penis or breasts are too small.!

• Lifestyle: Or maybe you have no social life and try to hide it from people. Maybe you think your lifestyle is boring and uninteresting. Maybe you believe that, because you’re a loner or a virgin, that means that people simply won’t like you.!

• Self: Or maybe your anxiety and shyness itself is what you feel insecure about. Whenever you start feeling nervous, you try to hide it from people. You don’t want anyone to notice when your heart starts beating faster, or when you’re sweating, shaking, or blushing.

Finding Your Insecurity• Toxic Shame: Belief that you’re unworthy of love. Often

caused by bullying at a young age or parental abandonment experiences. (Ex: My parents were working in business 6 days a week while I was growing up.)!

• People who fear rejection usually act as if they have some deep dark secret that would mean instant loneliness if it were discovered. - Jonathan Berent!

• Here’s an important question I ask most of my clients: “What is the thing you are the most worried about people noticing or finding out about you…that would lead them to reject you?”

People Hate Your Feeling Of Insecurity, Not The Thing You Are

Insecure About Itself• People usually don’t mind your insecurity. If you don’t believe me,

then look around. Even ugly, obese people have friends. Even stinky homeless people have boyfriends and girlfriends. Even people who are completely unintelligent and watch reality TV all day have confidence.!

• No matter what you think your “flaw” or “defect” is … you can find people with the exact same “flaw” who are able to have friends, confidence, or romance!!

• This is something that took me a long time to accept. I fought this idea and resisted it. I thought that my appearance was the real reason for my lack of confidence and a girlfriend.

Moving Towards An Assumption Of Acceptance

• The key to making people like you is not in trying to appear flawless or perfect, or trying to fit into some mould promoted by the media for how you “should” be…!

• The key to making people like you is being comfortable with yourself first. When you are comfortable with yourself instead of being haunted by low self-esteem and self-shame, then you get rid of the assumption of disapproval that sabotages you.!

• Once you get good at assuming people will like you, you’ll see them respond much differently. Not just girls who you talk to, but people you meet in many other situations, too.

• It’s very hard (almost impossible) to try changing your beliefs directly.!

• Some types of therapy try to do this, by making you write down all your thoughts and realizing the flawed logic behind them.!

• But what you CAN change is the other boxes in the cycle, and then that will indirectly change your beliefs.

Reversing The Cycle Part 2

• How to get over toxic shame and other basic starting points of feeling inferior?

Getting Rid Of Insecurities• “What are you most afraid of people noticing about you,

that will lead them to reject you?” What do you feel afraid to share?!

• Vulnerability - Whatever you feel ashamed or insecure about, find a safe person to share it with. Why therapy or men’s groups help.!

• Reality Testing - By exposing your “flaws” to someone you trust, you can slowly dissolve the shame around them.!

• “Shame needs secrecy to grow.” - Brene Brown

Other Ways• Don’t buy into the media’s value system. Media

makes you think that good looking person = most valuable. It’s really just LUCK in getting the right genes! Would you think a lottery winner was superior to you.!

• Inner critic - Speak to yourself in a more compassionate self-soothing way. Beating yourself up over mistakes just reinforces shame. How would you talk to a 5 year old child struggling with your problem?

Other Ways• Give up comparison. You are not other people and

should not try to measure up to their standards. In the same way, they should not try to be you. People’s value is in their uniqueness. There is only one of you.!

• Comparison is a losing game because you will never win. Best to simply compare your current achievements with your past self and feel proud for your progress. Other people’s background and talents or challenges are not the same as yours.

Other Ways• Unconditional Self Acceptance. Accept yourself with all your

flaws and shortcomings just as you are now. !

• Look for that feeling of shame around any part of your appearance, your performance or success in life, your sexual drives, etc. That’s the part of yourself you most need to accept.!

• “Insecurities are about as useful as trying to put the pin back in the grenade.” -Brandon Boyd!

• This is NOT about giving up improvement… “It’s funny how only when I accept myself, then I can change.” - Carl Rogers!

• All leading to the PRIME BELIEF…

“You Are Enough”• When you feel like you are perfectly okay as you

are, and that people could like you just for you, then a lot of the nervousness goes away.!

• No longer trying to put on a performance or hide parts of yourself to make people like you.!

• Allows you to open up and talk to people in a much more relaxed way, without that guardedness.

• Assumption of acceptance. Approach people with the same warm welcoming energy as you would an old friend. Expect them to be nice and friendly.!

• Other high status behaviors will get people to begin to respond to you differently. Start to get new and different evidence where people listen to you and like you more.

• Meet new people. People usually give a lot of “weight” to the first impression they have of you. Will see you as either a shy or confident person for a long time just based on first meeting.!

• You also set “anchors” in your own brain. Usually will feel and act different based on environment and people in it. Use this to your advantage, meet lots of people who don’t know “the old you.” Just being around the same people doesn’t break the cycle of old patterns.!

• Backpacking example. College. Cruise ship.

• When you have a certain belief, your mind is designed to focus its attention on finding real world evidence to back up that belief.!

• Example: Look around at all red objects.!

• Example: God’s miracles.

• “What the thinker thinks, the prover proves.” -Robert Anton Wilson!

• Your beliefs distort your perception of objective reality. Social anxiety example: people laughing at me. Assumed any attention was negative instead of positive - reinforcing beliefs.

• Be careful about what evidence you focus on. Socially anxious people constantly relive and reimagine past embarrassing situations in their head. Drill that negative evidence into their head more.!

• Overcome this by consciously choosing to replay positive evidence over and over again. In the beginning, you’ll have to ignore a lot of negative and focus on a little positive, but soon your confidence and assumptions will get better, and you’ll get even more positive evidence.

• Memories are context-driven. This means that you remember memories that are related to your current environment or mood more easily.!

• When you feel bad, lonely and depressed, all you can see is evidence for your current mood. My texting example from a few days ago, later realized the majority did text back, and i just focused on the ones that didn’t.

• Getting obsessed over how someone treated you or what they said to you.!

• “He who angers you conquers you.” - E. Kenny!

• “If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?” -Sydney J. Harris

• Empowering Interpretations. Always try to spin what happened in the most positive way possible. Example: “I’m so awkward.” (Causes you to feel more nervous.) -> “Conversations with strangers often start out a bit awkward in the beginning.”!

• “Everything is a learning experience and I am improving my social skills over time.”

• Empowering Interpretations.!

• It’s not that I got rejected. It’s just that we didn’t have personal chemistry or anything in common. That’s okay, there’s 7 billion on the planet, and everybody is NOT supposed to like each other.!

• One person’s opinion of me doesn’t make or break me. Who are they, the president of the world? One person = one vote. Don’t overgeneralize that every other person has the same attitude or preferences as the ONE who didn’t like you.!

• One of the worst beliefs: “It’s important that I make everyone like me.” A better belief: “I have certain views, opinions and values, and I will not change them to suit other people. If they don’t like it, then that’s their freedom.”

• Destigmatize (remove shame from) Discomfort. “What I’m going through is normal, and lots of other people have felt the same way too.” - Olivia Fox Cabane!

• Imagine other people going through the same thing. Remind yourself that it’s really just a chemical reaction in your body.!

• “The more personal an experience, the more general.” We usually assume we are special snowflakes. The fact that this course EXISTS means your problems are not unique.

Conclusion

Next Week…• The final module of Conversation Hacking, where I’ll

show you how to become your “True Self” in social situations more often… which will make it really easy to quickly connect with new friends, dates or people in your career.!

• The Truth About Having An Interesting Personality!

• Last Minute Confidence