the mindsets of loss

The Mindsets of LossThe Grief Cycle Expanded

Nathan ReynoldsMarch 12ᵗʰ, 2016

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• You will be better able to…• …listen to others.• …understand what is underneath their words.• …work on what the client is dealing with.• …improve how you handle life’s events.

• The material presented…• …is very deep with plenty to think about for years.• …will challenge your personal thinking.

Copyright © 2016 Nathan Reynolds

Class Goals

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• The Mindsets of Loss is derived from the Grief Cycle (Kübler-Ross model).• A loss includes more than just grief.• The mindsets are not a cycle or a fixed progression of stages.


Mindsets of Loss versus Grief Cycle

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CreditMuscle Testing Academy

mailto:[email protected]

http://muscletestingacademy.com/

05/01/2023

Loss and Acceptance

Copyright © 2016 Nathan Reynolds 5

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Suffering, distress, hurt or upset over an event or misfortune


LossDefinition

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• Based on the perspective or interpretation of the person.• One person’s loss can be another person’s gain.


LossExplanation

05/01/2023 8Copyright © 2016 Nathan Reynolds

Mindsets Graph

Acceptance

Loss

Event

Simplified

Mindsets

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• I’m no good, not good enough, terrible, awful, worthless, hopelessly flawed, etc.• There is no feeling – I’m numb. I don’t want to feel.• Events that are personally or socially unacceptable.• Unfinished history.• Pain, trauma or wounding beyond ability to bear.• Stories of abandonment.• Violations and victim experiences.• Unacceptable thoughts or emotions.• No light.• Disconnected.• My secrets… some I know and some I don’t know.


ExamplesLoss

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• We are made up of parts.• Have you ever said “part of me wants to do this but another part of me wants to

do that”?• When I don’t accept an event, I eject or wound parts of me.• Entities take the vacated space or attach to the part.• To heal, the reverse must happen.• Entities must be removed.• Parts must be healed and restored to their proper place and function.• When restored, parts bring back gifts, talents, abilities and behaviors.


LossParts

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Coming to terms with the event; acknowledgement without judgment


AcceptanceDefinition

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What does acceptance look like?

• Peace• Joy• Light• Clarity• Understanding• Grateful for the event• Sadness/Crying


AcceptanceExplanation

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When Heavenly Father saw a third part of His Children be thrust out of His presence, what was His reaction?

When we saw our brothers and sisters (our closest friends) be thrust out, what was our reaction?


AcceptanceA Third Part Thrust Out

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Doctrine and Covenants 76

25 And this we saw also, and bear record, that an angel of God who was in authority in the presence of God, who rebelled against the Only Begotten Son whom the Father loved and who was in the bosom of the Father, was thrust down from the presence of God and the Son,

26 - And was called Perdition, for the heavens wept over him—he was Lucifer, a son of the morning.


AcceptanceThe Heavens Wept

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“Don't think of your past as a chain around your neck. Thank God for every detail of your life and believe He has permitted all of these things in order to bring you to the place where you are now.”


AcceptanceThank God for Every Detail

- Merlin R. Carothers in Prison to Praise


Mindsets Graph

Acceptance

Loss

Avoidance

Bargaining

Denial

Depression

Anger

Event

Complete

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Avoidance


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To keep away from; keep clear of; shun; prevent from experiencing


AvoidanceDefinition

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• Obsession can be used as a distraction from other events in my life.• Making excuses, hiding, lying or priority inversion avoids saying or doing

something of importance.• Passive-aggressive behavior can be avoidance.• Avoidance can be filling my life so full as to not have time to pray, ponder the

scriptures, meditate or journal.• These activities, when done properly, should help pull someone out of

avoidance.• When the traffic light turns red, ask God what I should do with the time.

Consider working towards the discovery and release of a mindset.


ExplanationAvoidance


Skeletons in the ClosetAvoidance

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Have you ever avoided someone because you didn’t want the confrontation?


Confrontation

Has someone ever avoided you because they didn’t want the confrontation?

Avoidance

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If I have 1 eye in the past…and 1 eye in the future…

I am cross eyed in the present.


AvoidanceCross-eyed

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“Being honest with yourself about the sinful areas of your life can be terrifying. Often people avoid looking too closely at themselves in the mirror of the past, fearing the reflection may reveal the truth of what their lives have become. Now as you take the fourth step, you must face the truth about your life and your fears squarely.


AvoidanceHonesty

…continued

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… you will not only discover your weaknesses but you will also understand and appreciate your strengths better. … In truth, you are a combination of weaknesses and strengths. As you become willing to see the whole truth about your past—good and bad—you allow the powers of heaven to reveal the truth and help you put the past in proper perspective. The Lord will help you change your life’s course and fulfill your divine potential. You will learn that you are like all other humans, with strengths and weaknesses. You can begin to face others on equal footing.”


AvoidanceHonesty (continued)

- Addiction Recovery Program – Step 4 – Section 2

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Bargaining


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A futile attempt to re-negotiate the terms of the event;A struggle to find meaning for what has happened


BargainingDefinition


Explanation

• Fear-based• Fear of man• Fear of God• Fear of self

• Rule bound – good boy/girl – look good not bad• Ego, willful, entitled• Lie and deceive• Expectations (pre-mediated resentments)• Condemnations• Perfectionism• Façade• Pleaser• Worry about what other people say about me

Bargaining

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{ }If __________, then __________


Iyouheshethey

{ }dosay

have { }Iyouheshethey

Simple formulaBargaining


If I _________ , then I am better than others.{ }dosay

have

PrideBargaining


Self-Deprecation

{ }If _________, then are better than me.

youheshethey

{ }dosay

have { }youheshethey

Bargaining

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If ____________, { then ______________ }{ }Copyright © 2016 Nathan Reynolds

Iyouheshethey

{ }should’vecould’vewould’ve

Should’ve/Could’ve/Would’veBargaining


Heavenly Father’s Perspective of Us

• Does Heavenly Father look down on us and say “I am better than you”?• Does Heavenly Father look up at us and say “You are better than me”?• Heavenly Father looks at us as equal in worth even though He is more powerful,

more talented and all knowing.

Bargaining


Fear-based Obedience

{ }If don’t obey, then will be punished.

Iyouheshethey

{ }Iyouheshethey

Bargaining


Judging Others

{ }If __________, then are

youheshethey

{ }dosay


{ }goodbad

Bargaining


Because I _________, then I am good/right.{ }didsaidhad

Justification or Guilt/Shame

Because I _________, then I am bad/wrong.{ }didsaidhad

Justification:

Guilt or Shame:

Bargaining


Blame

{ }Because _____, then are at fault (for my loss).

youheshethey

{ }dosay


Bargaining


Conditional Love

{ }If __________, then I

youheshethey

{ }dosay

have{ }love

hate { }youheshethey

Bargaining


Having a Clean House

If I have a house, then I look{ }cleandirty { }good

bad

Bargaining


BargainingBe Who You Are

“Be who you are… because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

- Bernard M. Baruch

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Denial


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Refusal to believe; disbelief in reality


DenialDefinition

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There are 2 types of denial: blind and blind-sided.

• Addicts are blind to the impact their addiction is having on their relationships.• Many pornography addicts think that since no one is around when viewing

pornography then it doesn’t impact anyone.

• Blind-sided is when energy testing says the opposite of what the person says.• A divorcee knows they are divorced but when asked if they are married the

energy testing says yes. In this case, some part of them still thinks they are married.


ExplanationDenial

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1. Do all energy testing using your client’s arm.1. Energy testing on your client brings your client into the experience more.2. It is harder for your client to deny what they physically feel in their body.3. Side benefit: The client’s body language reveals a lot of information.

2. Test all assumptions.3. Use Vertical Clearing.


Steps to Break ThroughDenial

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1. Identify the denial.2. Energy test: Are we to use Vertical Clearing?3. Identify the loss and confirm with energy testing.4. Energy test: Has the denial been cleared from…/Have you accepted the event from…

a) …the crown of the head to the eyebrows?b) …eyes to the bottom of the chin?c) …the throat?d) …the base of the throat to the hips?e) …the hips to the knees?f) …the knees to the ankles?g) …the feet?

5. Energy test: Is now the appropriate time and place to clear the denial?6. Clear using your favorite modality.7. Once cleared from one area, go through step 4 again until all is cleared.


Vertical ClearingDenial


DenialDeny One’s Own Experiences

“To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of the one’s own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.”

- Oscar Wilde – De Profundis

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Anger


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A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong


DefinitionAnger


Explanation

• Mad• Hatred• Bitterness• Offended• Rage• Fury• Violence• Hostility• Tantrum• Passive-aggressive• Stew/Slow burn

• Resentment - Expectations (bargaining) are pre-mediated resentments

Anger


Fear Drives Anger

• When someone comes at me with anger, I often respond with anger.• I feel completely justified in my response, but what gets resolved?• What if I looked at the fear driving the anger?• I could ask myself questions such as these:• Are they afraid that their needs won’t be met?• Are they afraid I will disapprove?• Do they fear being wrong?• Are they fearful of feeling unloved?

• Look behind the anger and address the fear… and find the resolution.

Anger


Righteous Anger

• Many justify using “righteous anger” when it is really anger.• Righteous anger looks very different than what we normally express.• Righteous anger improves the situation.• It gets to something of light along a path of light.

• Righteous anger invites the spirit and doesn’t chase it away.

Moroni 7:13

But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.

Anger


AngerAnger is an Acid

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

- Mark Twain

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Depression


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A condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawl; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason


DepressionDefinition

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“People think depression is sadness, crying or dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to lie. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren't really days; they're just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting. When you're depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day. That's what depression is. It’s not sadness or tears. It's the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.”


What is Depression?

- Unknown

Depression

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It is normal to have some of the following symptoms from time to time.Experiencing several for weeks may indicate depression.

• I'm dizzy.• I feel sad.• I'm bored.• I feel ugly.• I'm clumsy.• I feel alone.• I feel guilty.• I feel nervous.• My neck hurts.


DepressionChecklist (1 of 3)

• I feel helpless.• I feel nauseous.• I have headaches.• I don't like myself.• I can't concentrate.• I feel self-conscious.• I have stomachaches.• I feel like crying a lot.• My arms and legs hurt.

• I feel like I'm in a fog.• My weight has changed.• I don’t have fun anymore.• I feel life isn’t worth living.• I feel my life has no direction.• I'm always getting into trouble.• I smile, but inside I'm miserable.• I don't have confidence in myself.• Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it.

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• I don't really feel sad, just "empty".• I feel "different" from everyone else.• I'm restless and jittery. I can’t sit still.• I have a hard time remembering things.• I consume alcohol/take drugs regularly.• I often feel scared, but I don't know why.• I'm so tired, no matter how much I sleep.• I don't want to go out with friends anymore.• I feel disorganized, like my head is spinning.• Sometimes my vision seems blurred or slow.• I'm frustrated with everything and everybody.• I don't feel like taking care of my appearance.



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• My appetite has diminished - food tastes so bland.• My appetite has increased - I feel I could eat all the time.• I don't want to make decisions - it's too much work.• I can't think straight. My brain doesn't seem to work.• I don’t feel like talking anymore. I just don’t have anything to say.• My whole body feels slowed down - my speech, my walk, and my movements.• Occasionally, my heart pounds, I can't catch my breath, and I feel tingly.• I have difficulty falling asleep or I awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then I

can't get back to sleep.• My vision feels strange and I feel I might pass out. The feeling passes in seconds,

but I'm afraid it will happen again.



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• People in depression…• …turn inwards.• …become selfish.• …have a sense of isolation.• …resignation, futility, hopelessness or despair.• …can have moments of happiness but the happiness fades much quicker.• …play victim through lack of responsibility for the loss.• …“band-aid” through activities.


DepressionExplanation

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• Compulsions• Abuse of medicine• Food for comfort• Use of drugs or alcohol• Sex and its perversions• Self-mutilation• Excessive body piercing• Tattoos• Diseases and illnesses


“Band-Aid”Depression

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• Caused by depression.• One can not have an addiction without depression.• The difference between addiction and obsession (avoidance) is depression.


AddictionDepression

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Inspiration + Expression → Peace


DepressionInspiration

Inspiration – Expression → Depression

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Firefighters and Managers



Mindsets Graph

Acceptance

Loss

Avoidance

Bargaining

Denial

Depression

Anger

Event

Complete



Avoidance

Bargaining

Denial

Depression

Anger

Acceptance

Loss

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Firefighters



Avoidance

Bargaining

Denial

Depression

Anger

ManagersAcceptance

Loss

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Firefighters



ManagersAcceptance

Loss



Acceptance

Loss

ManagersFirefighters

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Firefighters



Acceptance

Loss

ManagersResist Each Other

Dom

inate

Suppress

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• Managers are in the mind.• Managers dominate the loss.• Managers can exist because the person doesn’t fully acknowledge their existence.• Managers resist the firefighters because they look bad.• Managers are more difficult to see since their expression is more inside the head

and they are exposed through a person’s words.• Managers can’t handle joy or pain.• When the managers (and firefighters) are removed, the loss can move to

acceptance.


Managers (Avoidance, Bargaining, Denial)

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• Firefighters are of the body.• Firefighters suppress the loss.• Firefighters take over when the managers fail.• Firefighters are easy to see because their expression is readily displayed through

a person’s actions.• When the firefighters (and managers) are removed, the loss can move to

acceptance.


Firefighters (Anger, Depression)

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Body weight has a lot of influences…• Pregnancy• Hypo/Hyper thyroidism• Menopause• PMS• Congestive Heart Failure• Medicines• Etc.

In terms of the Mindsets of Loss…• Bargaining – If I am a healthy/unhealthy weight, then I look good/bad.• Depression – Over/under-eating


Body Weight

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Application



Mindsets Graph

Acceptance

Loss

Avoidance

Bargaining

Denial

Depression

Anger

Event

How to Work on Others

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Jacob 5:65

And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard.


Olive Tree AnalogyA Word of Caution

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• It is hard to work on myself.• Why would I approach an issue that I am avoiding?• Why should I work on myself when I’m right? (bargaining)• How could I even see the problem if I’m in blind denial?• How can I identify the fear behind my anger when I see someone else as the

“cause” of my anger?• Why would I heal my depression when I am stuck using “band-aids”?

• Usually, someone else points out my mindsets before I can identify it.• If I can identify the problem, then I can usually work on it.• I can work on myself when I’m just about ready to accept or shift.• When I’m stuck in a mindset, my wife is typically also stuck in a co-dependent

mindset and vis-a-versa.


How to Work on Self

the mindsets of loss

Self Improvement