managing conflict for leaders

Exploring conflict for a happier, more productive workplaceHOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT – DENVER

Paul Gibbons, September 30, 2015

© 2015 Paul Gibbons

Conflict

Employees around the world on average spend 2.1 hours per week dealing with conflict. However, this figure rises to 2.8 hours in the United States, where roughly one in three employees (33 percent) say that conflict has led to personal injury or attacks, while one in five employees (22 percent) report that it has led to illness or absence from work.

What is Conflict?


Webster's

•Synonyms◦ Fight, struggle, contention

•“Sharp disagreement or opposition of interests, ideas, etc.”

•…a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns

OR…

•Conflict is the source of all growth and an absolute necessity if one is to be alive. (Jean Miller, psychologist)

Which of these is correct?


What makes it destructive/ constructive?

DESTRUCTIVE

One person has to give up too much

The dispute hurts a relationship

There is no agreement reached

There are uncontrolled emotions (anger), directed at the individual not the issue

The conflict prevents or stops others from being productive

CONSTRUCTIVE

Leads to a win-win resolution

Builds a strong relationship with improved communication

Opens people up to new ideas

Develops common goals

Allows responsible expression of emotions

Clarifies a problem and leads toward a solution


Rate your team’s conflict score

Hurts relationships Should be avoided Resolution is based on status and power

Disregards differences of opinion

Has nothing to be gained from it Is about blame Produces a winner and a loser

Strengthens relationships Should be resolved Resolution is based on equality of power

Recognizes and appreciates differences of opinion

Can generate growth Is about understanding and coming to agreement

Can produce a win-win resolution


Summary

•Conflict is a fundamental aspect of human relationships … arises from the physical necessity of seeing the world differently, and essential genetic and developmental differences

•Conflict is essential to optimal functioning in businesses◦ But too much can destroy value

•Whether conflict is constructive or destructive depends upon◦ whether the business situation which generated the conflict was more

efficiently (creatively) resolved as a result of the conflict◦ whether, once that situation has passed, the capacity of the actors to

resolve conflict in the future is enhanced◦ Relationships, mutual understanding, long-term solutions not band aids


Conflict

◦ How much conflict do I see? ◦ What is the effect of it on me? Team members? Our workplace?

◦ What do I think might help?◦ What would I like to get out of today?


Today

1. What we agree upon…2. Personal conflict style…3. Sources of conflict4. Conflict skills


What we agree upon

What are the big things we agree upon?

Understanding Your Conflict Style


The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument assesses an individual’s typical behavior in conflict situations and describes it along two dimensions: assertiveness and cooperativeness. The model has 5 conflict modes.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument

The Model: 5 Conflict Modes

Different styles have different goals: Competing: The goal is to win Accommodating : The goal is to yield

Avoiding: The goal is to delay Collaborating: The goal is multiple participation

Compromising: The goal is to find middle ground


Competing is effective: When quick decisive action is needed. When unpopular action must be taken on important issues.

When the issue is vital and the right course is clear. To protect against people who take advantage of noncompetitive behavior.

Competing


Accommodating is effective: When you are wrong, learning is important, or demonstrating reasonableness is critical.

When creating goodwill is paramount. To build social credits for later use. To stop unproductive or damaging competition. When harmony is important.

Accommodating


Avoiding is effective: When the issue is relatively trivial. When you know you can’t be satisfied. When the costs of conflict outweigh the benefits of resolution. To allow “cooling off”. When it’s important to have more information. When others can resolve the issue more effectively. When the conflict is tangential to something more important.

Avoiding


Collaborating is effective: When it’s important that both sides be integrated. When you want to learn and fully understand others’ views.

To merge different perspectives and insights. To gain commitment through consensual decisions. To work through hard feelings that have interfered with interpersonal relationships.

Collaborating


Compromising is effective: When goals are less important than avoiding the disruption caused by more assertive conflict resolution styles.

When opponents have equal power and commitment to mutually exclusive goals.

To temporarily settle complex issues. To quickly achieve an expedient solution. As a backup style when collaboration or competition fails.

Compromising


Whatever style you use, here are some basic skills for conflict resolution: Manage anger Listen actively Avoid assumptions Find something on which to agree Be cautious with criticism Negotiate

Conflict Resolution


Your conflict style

•Please fill out and score the questionnaire (5m)

•Discuss in pairs (10m)• Whether your identified style ‘feels right’• What you think the strengths of it are?

• When most useful… which contexts…

• What you think the weaknesses of it are?• When least useful… which contexts…


Context – when each style works

When quick action is needed

When strong commitment to outcomes is needed

Postponing tension

Maintain balance and harmony

When someone tries to take advantage of non-cooperative behavior

Mutual exploration of creative approaches

When others might resolve the conflict more effectively

When it is not important for you to win

When emotions are strong

Where relationships are most important

When the issue importance is the most important feature

Sources of Conflict


Objective of this section Through understanding the sources of conflict…

◦ Both generally (the theory)◦ And personally (in your specific situation(s))

You begin to see that it ◦ ‘isn’t about you’◦ It isn’t necessarily about them either…


Conflict exercises - preparation

•Take 10 minutes to write down a real business conflict scenario…(current or past)

◦ Key background◦ Who what where when

◦ How it began◦ Initiation of the conflict

◦ How it unfolded◦ What were various steps along the way to resolution (or not)

◦ How it ended◦ How were you affected by how it ended? Or, how are you affected now?

◦ This will be your ‘case study’ for today◦ The value you get from the course will be related to how well you can apply the

insights to this conflict◦ Ergo, make it meaningful, real, messy and difficult personally


What causes conflict?

•In your groups, take 5 minutes to…• List all external factors that cause conflict

• List all internal factors that cause conflict

•Now apply this to your example.• What, from your team’s list, were the causes?• Is knowing the causes helpful?


The conflict icebergIssues

Personalities

Emotions

Interests, needs

and desires

Self-perceptions and

self-esteem

Hidden expectations

Unresolved past issues


Sources – past, present, future

◦ Past – history of unresolved conflict◦ Damaged relationships/ low trust/ personal

◦ Future….◦ Anticipated material loss, or…◦ Anticipated loss of status, self-esteem, emotional safety, identity, relationships, power…◦ Anticipated loss of control◦ Need to ‘be right’

◦ If I let go of this (fixed position), then…◦ Present

◦ Clash of values/ ideas/ perspectives/ wants-needs

◦ Examine your conflict situation through this lens◦ Which feature of this analysis describes yours? Where is the tension, past, present or

future?


Past, present and future: completion

◦ Hypothesis: it is extraordinarily difficult to make progress in the present, to design a new future, when the past (and associated emotions clog the path)

◦ ‘Completion’ – clearing away past rubble (regrets, resentments, stories, blame, suspicion) can be an critical step (sine qua non)

◦ Completion happens in a conversation – forgiveness, willingness to let go, saying everything that needs to be said, giving up the right to bring the past into the conflict


Social psychology of conflict

◦ Conflict can be a structural feature of organizations

◦ Sherriff – ‘in groups’ and ‘out groups’

◦ Role conflict – e.g. marketing/ r&d

◦ Systems conflict – Oshry (Tops, Middles, Bottoms)

◦ The point for all of you is?

Conflict, facts and opinions


Purpose of this section To introduce the notion that conflict is rarely a matter of dispute over facts…

◦ (the facts after all should be beyond dispute – if they were ‘real’ facts)

That it lies in the realm of opinions, interpretations, judgments, projections

◦ And (importantly) values

But if both sides hold onto their opinions, interpretations, judgments and projections as if they were facts… there is little chance of constructive resolution


Self – deception: illusory superiority

◦ Lake Wobegon effect◦ "all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all

the children are above average,"

•68% of faculty rated themselves in the top 25% for teaching ability.

•87% of MBA students at Stanford University rated their academic performance as above the median

•93% of the US drivers and 69% of Swedish put themselves in the top 50% (above the median)

•What is going on?

•Why is this relevant?


I have facts, you have opinions…• That idea won’t work… (FACT or OPINION)

• That project is too risky…

• This company is profitable…

• The reason sales are low is…

• You are late…

• That decision is unfair…

• We are behind schedule…

• Our cash flow is weak…

Hypothesis – most of what causes conflict at work is in the realm of opinion, judgment, evaluation, prediction…


Facts about opinions Opinions are NEVER true or false

◦ Opinions (judgments, evaluations) all have standards… Different conflicting opinions often have at bottom different standards◦ ‘late’, ‘profitable’, ‘efficient’, ‘caring’, ‘committed’, ‘reliable’

◦ So why do we fight about them? What are we actually fighting for?

The existence of evidence, even ample good evidence, still makes the opinion an opinion

• Opinions can be ‘grounded’ with facts – but never proven true or false (because then they become a fact)

• X is an effective leader?


Opinions about opinions Perhaps the single greatest source of suffering in the world is the confusion of fact and opinion

◦ And the fact that our opinions constitute ‘who we are’, ‘what we stand for’, ‘our integrity’, ‘our identity’

◦ Moral judgments are always opinions, predictions are always opinions, evaluations are always opinions◦ X is wrong or right can never be substantiated by fact◦ Y will happen can never be proven correct or false◦ Z is such and such type of person can never be proven T or F

So what?

What does that mean for how you are?

What does that mean for how you interact with their views?


Facts and Opinions exercise

•“Each of us is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.” (Daniel Moynihan, Senator)

•Examine your conflict scenario.

•Where do the main points of difference lie, facts or opinions?


Values conflicts

•Take five minutes to go through the values conflict handout

•Then take five minutes to look at your values in your conflict situation• By taking the stance you did, what values were you (by implication)

saying are important?

•Then spend another five minutes looking at your ‘antagonists’ values• By taking the stance they did, what values were they implying were

most important?

Basic conflict skills


Core skillsMaking clear agreements

Listening/ questioning

Self

knowledge/ emotional self

management

Centering


Centering

•Centering exercise – centering your body, clearing your mind

•To become: present, open and connected◦ Here… not thinking about could, would, should…◦ Open… to their point of view ◦ Connected… to what is most important, and to them

•What do I care about? What is most important? What do I need to let go of?

•Why? To produce a way of being (mood and mindset)conducive to producing results


Knowing yourself – ‘triggers’

•Confucius: ‘If you see merit in another, emulate it’; ‘if you find fault, look to your own character’

◦ Many character aspects that ‘trigger us…◦ Is something we have an abundance of ourselves…◦ Or is a trait we are ‘opposite’ to…

•Exercise – is this true for you?

•Privately - take 3 instances of large interpersonal conflict◦ Is the ‘triggering behavior’ one you

◦ Have in abundance◦ See yourself as having the opposite of


Emotions and conflict

•List some of the emotions that come up when you have a conflict

•List how those emotions impede your ability to resolve the conflict

•List ways you can manage your emotional temperature down


Knowing your hot buttons

•Make it hard for us to be at our best: skillful, centered, able to gain perspective/ distance

•Which words statements or behaviors are your hot buttons (at least 3)?

•What strategies do you have that work for dealing with your hot buttons?

•What strategies do you have when you push others’ buttons?


Hot button review

•Center!

•Mentally detach. Observe the situation as from above.

•Name your feelings responsibly.

•Recognize that others have them also.

•Allow things to cool down, ask more questions, get more data

•Use we language as much as possible


Listening – paraphrasing exercise

•Guidelines◦ Listen for content in the form of the main idea (thrust) that the person is saying◦ Listen for the feelings expressed◦ Listening for the values and ideas that are most important to her

•Five criteria for paraphrasing◦ Neither add nor subtract anything important◦ Brief!◦ But, use original words…◦ Don’t judge, neither approve or disapprove◦ Begin with phrases that verify your understanding of what has been said and how the other person feels

Exercise: A tells B a story about an important event… B practices… A tells the story in such a way as to make this possible…

AND… non-verbals can get the job done: nodding, eye contact, mmmm, ‘yes, I see…’, ‘gotcha’, ‘yup’, ‘un huh’


Questioning: ABCs

•Open rather than closed…

•Clarify what they say rather than gather ammo for what you are about to say…

•Develop the habit of curiosity…◦ What makes you say that?◦ Why is that important to you?◦ When did you first detect this?◦ What is going on for you right now?

•Inquisitive rather than challenging/ confrontational


Questioning – ten awesome questions

•What makes you say that? (How do you get from A to B)?

•Why is that important to you?

•How are you making the link?

•Where does your thinking go next?

•If you could wave a wand, what would happen?

•What features of this are most important to you?

•How could we design success?

•How do you feel about that?

•What criteria are you using?

•What steps do you see?


Making clear agreements

• If someone has not made a commitment/ promise or is crystal clear about your standards…• And, nobody, but nobody does this perfectly…

• You have no right to be upset, disappointed, righteous

• The 100% ‘their fault’ is the black swan of agreements…

• Request• What

• CLEAR STANDARDS FOR SUCCESS• Who• By when• CLEAR accept/ decline/ counter-offer

• Promise• Same structure • Nobody ever fulfills 100%• Effective people ‘manage their promises’

Not starting conflict


Essentials in prevention An ounce of prevention…

Watch your language

Create an effective way of being

Use the breakdown technology


Red rags to bulls

Language that works and that does not…

•Red rag exercise• Make a list of TEN expressions that start or amplify conflict…

•Alternatives to red rag statements• Make a list of alternative to those…

•Phrases that tend to mollify• Make a list of TEN…


Hardener versus Softener exercise Why didn’t you listen?

That must have been hard for you

It is interesting that

You ought to …

In other words…

I think you are hiding something

If you really felt that way, you would have

So you think that

Your main concern is

If I were you, I’d…

You are wondering if this problem can be solved

You are angry because …

Your just trying to get out of it

You say that this issue is important to you

You feel frustrated that …

Your expenses are the highest in the department

You see yourself as very dedicated…

You are so late, I don’t think you will ever finish…

You are always disrupting the meeting

It is upsetting to you that your overtime is interfering with your family life

It will never work

Hardener or softener?

Together, lets design an alternative to each of the ‘hard’ ones.


Being versus doing…Hypotheses/ assumptions:

Who we are ‘being’ in a conflict situation largely determines the results..

What are some ways of being that are constructive? Destructive?

The ‘breakdown’ method is partly a structure (formula) but much more importantly, it is a different way of being/ relating to/ standing in the conflict…

• All important things…..organizations, people, relationships, projects, discussions go off track all the time…

• Conflict is natural …• When we don’t manage our ‘being’, it makes things worse for us and others…• Truly good work relationships (and marriages!) are adept at resolving

differences in a way that maintains conflict in the ‘constructive zone’

Being ‘lives’ in two places… - in our language (the word, terms, structure, etc.) we use in conversation… - in our bodies (emotions, moods)


Breakdown – designing a way of being…

PROBLEM WAY OF BEING MOOD (resentful, anxious, frustrated…) WHOSE FAULT – yours or theirs FACTS OR OPINIONS – collapse, many

opinions masquerading as facts STANDARDS – hidden or not shared SEPARATE/ INDIVIDUALISTIC – what are

YOU going to do?

BREAKDOWN WAY OF BEING MOOD WHOSE FAULT FACTS OR OPINIONS STANDARDS YOU AND ME, OR WE

How would we design the breakdown orientation/ process/ way of being?


Declaring a breakdown

Center◦ Prepare your body…. (center)◦ Prepare your mind (language) What am I committed to? What outcomes do I want? What relationship do I want? What is shared that can act as ‘ground’ for this…

Context for the conversation◦ ‘I’d like to declare a breakdown…’

Facts◦ You opened two new accounts this month, our target is four… OR◦ We agreed that our customer satisfaction surveys would score 4.5 out of 5, on this one we score 3.9

Opinions/ judgments about that◦ I believe that is this is a threat to the business because four accounts per month is the minimum to replace customers we lose and still grow market share (and/ or this

is due to poor time management skills)◦ … OR◦ I believe the low level of these scores is due to your skill in handling complaints

Standards◦ The number of new account openings does not include re-opening dormant accounts, or accounts transferred from one account manager to another…◦ Skillful at managing complaints means for me, that scores on calls that start with a complaint are higher that scores for general enquiries…

Align on facts/ judgments…

Request/ promise, offer/ acceptance◦ I would like to review our account generation process and look for new practices that might…◦ How could I help you increase your skills in dealing with upset customers


Breakdown exercise

•Take a real life example of when a ‘problem’ has arisen at work

•Design a ‘breakdown conversation’ using the previous template

•Practice with your partner◦ 1st try the ‘problem’ method – exaggerate it, have fun◦ Next role play the breakdown conversation

•Switch


Breakdown review

•Working relationships are a partnership◦ Having subordinates deliver is your job as a manager◦ And working on a team, it requires that everyone is co-accountable for

everyone else’s results◦ Not ‘I've done my job, now you do yours…’

•Standards need to be shared◦ With no shared standards, there can be no breakdown and no resolution

•CLEAR distinction between FACT and OPINION◦ Opinions are essential but not when masquerading as fact

Resolving Conflicts


Essentials ‘Hot’ conflict as a breakdown

Powerful performance management

Win-win

Co-create solutions using


Conflict as a breakdown

•When conflict starts, one place people go is• There should not be conflict here!!!!• Ergo, the fact of the dispute triggers an opinion, judgment and mood• In a sense, it is not the conflict itself (the content) that is producing stress, but the fact that it is conflict

there at all… (conflicted about the conflict)• As your skills grow in managing conflict, this should happen less, more confident to get through it…

• In the meantime – conflict is an essential, non-negotiable, ever-present, feature of human beings and organizational life

•When it gets nasty…• It is an opportunity to declare a breakdown (not to get into conflict about the fact that there is conflict)• Fact – I’m noticing raised voices and some angry expressions• Opinion - From my point of view, the emotions associated with this conflict seem to be getting hotter• Standards - Our agreement, as a team, is to maintain a mood and quality of relationships conducive to

solving problems and producing long-term results• Alignment check• Request - What could we do/ design that would help restore a mood that is useful?


Performance management

• Characterized by an authority relationship

• Again – using the ‘breakdown’ method

• Center

• Establish relationship and context

• Facts… ‘we agreed you would do x by y to the following standards’

• Fact… ‘x has not happened…’

• Opinion/ judgment… The possible consequences of this, how this might unfold, what judgments I’m making…

• The fault, in my view, seems to lie in how you manage priorities…

• Align…

• Request/ offer• What can we design so this never happens again?• Promise – accept, decline, counter-offer

• Follow up, support, consequences• I’d like an email each Friday with an update on how this is proceeding…• Is there anything I can do to support you…


Experiencing win-win

•Exercise

•‘Win-win’ gets tossed around like confetti…

•It takes tremendous virtue (courage, temperance, prudence, wisdom, and care) to really desire win-win rather than ‘me first and if you happen to get something out of this, it is ok with me’


Designing creative win-win solutions

•First, complete the exercise on the win-win handout

•Second, once complete, reflect on how a win-win orientation and problem solving method could help (or would have helped) with your ‘case study’


Creative conflict resolution (mood)

•Mood management checklist…◦ Describe the conflict.◦ Are the sources past, present or future?◦ What are the sources? (Are there are some that are not personal – structural?)◦ What values does their position imply? Mine?◦ What do I want? What do I think they want?◦ What would happen if I didn’t get that? What am I most afraid of? Them? ◦ What threats do I perceive? Them?◦ What views (negative) do I have of them?◦ What views do I think they hold of me?◦ What do I need to let go of to proceed?◦ What is my and their current mood? How might that affect this?◦ Which of my hot buttons have been pushed?

◦ What am I willing to let go of?


Creative conflict resolution (mind)

•Nine degrees of separation… Separate◦ Positions from interests

◦ This is what I want versus these are the interests that have me want that◦ People from problems

◦ If the other party were your favorite person in the world, then…◦ Problems from solutions

◦ Rather than solutions battling, creative understanding of problem◦ Commonalities from differences

◦ What are commonalities/ differences of values, perspectives, needs, interests◦ Future from the past

◦ Can’t change the past, can design a future◦ Facts from opinions◦ Process from content (how versus what)

◦ Is the dispute about one, not the other? If we can’t agree on content, can we agree a process?◦ Criteria from selection

◦ If we can’t agree on a selection, perhaps we can agree on criteria◦ Yourself from others


Creative Conflict Resolution (ground rules)

•Make sure that good relationships are the first priority

•Keep people and problems separate

•Pay attention to the interests that are being presented

•Listen first; talk second

•Set out the “Facts”

•Explore options together

•Center!◦ Present, open and connected


Creative Conflict Resolution (process)

Step One: Set the Scene

Agree ground rules, roles, timing

Step Two: Gather Information

Listen at length to each other’s summary of the problem and desired outcome

Step Three: Agree the Problem

Jointly agree what problem you are trying to solve

Step Four: Brainstorm Possible Solutions

Use creativity to develop possible unthought-of solutions

Step Five: Negotiate a Solution

Converge on a solution from the list of possible solutions


Final role play – putting it all together

•Take your case study and using the preparation tools outline, get ready for a session where you will work to resolve it.

•Take 3-4 minutes and brief your partner on their role.

•Work through the process together for ten minutes

•Switch

•Debrief and summarize key points

Wrap up

Becoming a Conflict Capable Leader

http://www.andyeklund.com/.a/6a00e55079f26688330133f4faa266970b-popup

Adapted from:Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode InstrumentConflict Dynamics Profile, Eckerd College Leadership Development InstituteGetting to Yes by Roger Fisher & William Ury


Think about a recent conflict you’ve hadwith someone else and then describe it in one or two words


Where are you?

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT COMPETENCY SCALE

Novice Expert

I could manage the conflict in my life better if…..?


Session Objectives

Help you become more aware of your own conflict style and behaviors

Help you recognize conflict styles and behaviors of others

Help you better assess conflict situations Teach you practical strategies for negotiating differences

and resolving conflicts Allow you to observe and practice collaborative conflict

resolution methods


Session Themes

Conflict is inevitable and should not be avoided People can change the way they respond to conflict Ineffective and harmful responses can be avoided Effective and beneficial responses to conflict can be

learned The goal of successful conflict management is not its

elimination, but to reduce its harmful effects and maximize its useful ones


Broadly speaking, conflict is …

Any situation in which people have incompatibleinterests, goals, principles, or feelings


Workplace Conflict

Organization

Manager Department

Employee

“Conflict lies not in objective reality, but in people’s heads. Truth is simply one more argument-perhaps a good one, perhaps not-for dealing with the difference”

Fisher & Ury

Potential Consequences of ConflictPotential Benefits Potential Costs

? ?


Conflict must addressed on two levels

Substance -------------Process

Path of Conflict

CONSTRUCTIVERESPONSES

Behaviors which keep conflict to a minimum

DESTRUCTIVERESPONSES

Behaviors which escalate or prolong conflict

PRECIPITATING EVENT

TASK-FOCUSED CONFLICT(Cognitive)• Focus on task and problem

solving• Positive affect• Tension decreases• Group functioning improves

PERSON-FOCUSED CONFLICT(Affective)• Focus on personalities• Negative emotions (anger,

frustration)• Tension increases• Group functioning decreases

CONFLICT DE-ESCALATES CONFLICT ESCALATES

Conflict Response Categories

Perspective TakingCreating SolutionsExpressing EmotionsReaching Out

Winning at All CostsDisplaying AngerDemeaning OthersRetaliating

Reflective ThinkingDelay RespondingAdapting

AvoidingYieldingHiding EmotionsSelf Criticizing

Constructive Destructive

Acti

vePa

ssiv

e

Constructive vs. Destructive

Role-Playing

Ally and ally’s roommate are addressing conflict over dirty dishes in common areas.

The Retaliatory Cycle“how we make war”

Repetition

Perception of threat

Anger (emotion)

Acting(destructiveresponse)

Trigger


Typical Outcomes of Destructive Responses

Feelings of anger and frustration Judgmental actions Getting even and keeping score Other party does not have needs met Closed channels of communication Refusing to deal with issues Decreased self-confidence Tasks not completed Team performance decreases

The Conciliatory Cycle“how we make peace”Person A

Inhibitory Reflex Trigger

Person B Person A Conciliatory Conciliatory Gesture Gesture

Person BInhibitory Reflex


Typical Outcomes of Constructive Responses

Win-win solutionsOpen & honest communication of feelingsBoth parties’ needs are metNon-judgmental actionsNot sticking adamantly to one positionActively resolving conflict (not allowing conflict to

continue)Thoughtful responses (not impulsive)Team performance improves

Conciliatory Gestures Examples

Apologizing “I’m sorry that my comments in the staffmeeting embarrassed you. It wasthoughtless of me.”

Owning responsibility “I see now that I have contributed to thisproblem. I didn’t see that before.”

Conceding “I’m willing to meet with you, if you arewilling to do it at a time that isconvenient for me.”

Self-disclosing “I’ve been worried about what you mightdo to get back at me, and so I’ve beenavoiding you.”

Expressing positivefeelings for the Other

“You are a competent and skilledprofessional.”

Initiating both-gain “How do you suggest we solve this?”

HARD SOFTGetting what you wantAdversariesThe goal is victoryDemand concessionsHard on people and problemDistrust othersDig in Make threatsInsist on your position

Getting along with othersFriends

The goal is agreementMake concessions

Soft on people and problemTrust others

Change your position easilyMake offers

Insist on agreement

Which approach best describes you?


SOFT HARD PRINCIPLEDFriends Adversaries Problem-solversThe goal is agreement The goal is victory A wise agreement

reached amicably and efficiently

Make concessions Demand concessions Separate the people from the problem

Soft on the people and the problem

Hard on the people and the problem

Soft on the people, hard on the problem

Trust others Distrust others Proceed independent of trust

Change your position easily

Dig in Focus on interests, not positions

Make offers Make threats Explore interests

Search for a solution they will accept

Insist on your solution Develop multiple options to choose from

Insist on agreement Insist on your position Insist on using objective criteria

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument

Please take 20 minutes to complete the assessment individually.


Asse

rtive

ness

Cooperativeness

(Get

ting

what

you

wan

t)

(Getting along with others)

Two basic aspects of conflict handling modesYour

Conflict = Preference/Skill + SituationMode


Are any of these styles bad?

List strengths and limitations of each conflict management style.


Asse

rtive

ness

Cooperativeness

Collaborating“Two heads are better than one”

• Integrating Solutions• Learning• Merging Perspectives• Gaining Commitment• Improving Relationships


Collaborating Skills

• The Ability to Listen• Non-threatening Confrontation• Analyzing Input• Identifying Concerns


Overuse of Collaborating

• Too much time on trivial matters• Diffused Responsibility• Others May Take Advantage• Work Overload


Underuse of Collaborating

• Deprived of Mutual Gains• Lack of Commitment• Low Empowerment• Loss of Innovation


Asse

rtive

ness

Cooperativeness

Compromising“Let’s make a deal”

• Moderate Importance• Equal Power – Strong

Commitment• Temporary Solutions• Time Constraints• Backup


Compromising Skills

• Negotiating• Finding a “Middle Ground”• Making Concessions• Assessing Value


Overuse of Compromising

• Lose Big Picture/Long Term Goals• Lack of Values/Trust• Cynical Climate


Underuse of Compromising

• Unnecessary Confrontations• Frequent Power Struggles• Unable to Negotiate Effectively


Asse

rtive

ness

Cooperativeness

Competing“My way or the highway”

• Quick Action• Unpopular Decisions• Vital Issues• Protection


Competing Skills

• The Ability to Argue and Debate• The Ability to Use Rank or Influence• Asserting Your Opinions and Feelings• Standing Your Ground• Stating Your Position Clearly


Overuse of Competing

• Lack of Feedback• Reduced Learning• Low Empowerment• Surrounded by “Yes” People


Underuse of Competing

• Restricted Influence• Indecision• Slow to Act• Contributions Withheld


Asse

rtive

ness

Cooperativeness

Accommodating“It would be my pleasure”

• Showing Reasonableness

• Developing Performance

• Creating Good Will• Keeping “Peace”• Retreating• Low Importance


Accommodating Skills

• Forgoing Your Desires• Selflessness• Obeying Orders• Ability to Yield


Overuse of Accommodating

• Ideas Get Little Attention• Restricted Influence• Loss of Contribution• Anarchy


Underuse of Accommodating

• Lack of Rapport• Low Morale• Exceptions Not Recognized• Unable to Yield


Asse

rtive

ness

Cooperativeness

Avoiding“I’ll think about it tomorrow”

• Buying Time• Low Power• Allowing Others• Symptomatic Problems


Avoiding Skills

• Ability to Withdraw• Sidestepping• Sense of Timing• Able to Leave Things Unresolved


Overuse of Avoiding

• Lack of Input from You• Decisions Made by Default• Issues Fester• Cautious Climate


Underuse of Avoiding

• Hostility/Hurt Feelings• Too Many Causes• Lack of Prioritization/Delegation


Skits


Getting to Yes – The Principled Approach

People

Interests

Options Criteria


1. Separate the People from the Problem

Perce

ption

s

EmotionsCommunication

PeopleIssues

Substance


• Separate the substantive issues from the psychological issues

• Deal directly with the people problem• Recognize and understand emotions, theirs and yours• Acknowledge emotions as legitimate• Discuss your perceptions with the other side• Don’t assess blame• Allow the other side to let off steam• Don’t react to emotional outbursts• Listen actively and acknowledge what is being said• Speak to be understood• Agree to put emotions aside

1. Separate the People from the Problem


• Interests define the problem, positions don’t• Compromising between positions will not always lead to a

wise and efficient agreement• Look beyond opposing positions for shared and

compatible interests• There are usually multiple ways to satisfy an interest

whereas positions can only be satisfied by one solution• Ask why• Ask why not

2. Focus on Interests, Not Positions


Shared interests often lie latent in every conflict Look beyond a single answer for shared interests Consider multiple solutions that satisfy interests of both sides

Separate the act of inventing options from the act of judging them invent first, decide later

Look to advance your interests by finding ways to accommodate theirs

3. Invent Options for Mutual Gain


A wise agreement should reflect a fair standard independent of the will of each side.

Fair standards for the substantive question and fair procedures for resolving conflicting interests

Ask a neutral third party to judge or mediate

4. Insist on Using Objective Criteria


Successful Conflict Resolution uses all four pieces to the puzzle

People

Interests

Options Criteria


START STOP

MORE LESS

Individual Activity


Exercise

•In small groups, prepare a list of:

◦ What was most interesting?◦ What was most useful?◦ What, if we were watching a movie of you, would we see you doing

differently tomorrow?◦ Anything less useful, or wrong length relative to value?

•Spend about 10m reflecting personally, then have a group discussion and group your findings for 10m…


Further questions?

•Paul Gibbons◦ Leading and managing change◦ Leadership development◦ Innovation◦ Culture change◦ Coaching

•[email protected]

•+1 608 512 5916

mailto:[email protected]

managing conflict for leaders

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