managing conflict

“Conflict can lead to better decision making, expose key issues, stimulate critical thinking and fuel creativity and innovation.”

Center for Creative Leadership Newsletter – April 2005

Managing Conflict

Designed and Facilitated by P. A. Training Solutions

Table of Contents on Managing Conflict,Dealing with Difficult People, Courageous Conversations and Inclusive Leadership

Types of Conflict 3

What’s Your Conflict Management Style? 4

Conflict Management Styles Scoring Sheet 5

Characteristics of Conflict Management Styles 6

Approaches to Managing Conflict 7

Description of Conflict Approaches 8

Leadership Skills to Deal with Conflict Nine Strategies for Dealing with Conflict

9

Good ConflictConstructive and Destructive Approach to Managing Conflict

10

Difficult People Tidbits 12

Strategies to Deal With Difficult People 13

Types of Difficult People 14-16

My Plan to Deal With Difficult People 17

Courageous Conversations 18-20

Rules to Follow in Conducting Courageous Conversations 21

Inclusive Leadership 22

Embracing Diversity 23

Traits of an Inclusive LeaderStrategies for Inclusion

24

Development Diversity Competence 25

Ways to Develop Inclusion On Your Campus 26

Crayons 27

January Retreat p. 1FacilitatorDr. Pat Akers

Participant Outcomes

1. Identify types of conflict and give examples.

2. Assess own conflict style and describe characteristics of each

style.

3. Choose appropriate approaches to manage conflict.

4. Describe strategies to become effective in dealing with conflict.

5. Cite ways conflict can be beneficial.

6. Select appropriate strategies to deal with difficult people.

7. Discuss an approach to conducting courageous conversations.

8. Distinguish among diversity, inclusion and equity.

9. Discuss the traits of an inclusive leader.

10. Suggest ways to apply the Developing Diversity Competence

model.

11. Discuss strategies for improving inclusiveness on your campus.


Types of Conflict

Communication conflicts Some conflicts are the result of one person not listening closely to another

person. Careful listening not only includes listening to each word a person says, but also asking clarifying questions to make sure you understand the person’s full meaning.

Example:

Personality conflicts Sometimes people simply don’t get along with each other. They push our

buttons. We all have different personalities and the way we approach tasks and the way we interact interpersonally may, at times, be disagreeable to others.

Example:

Organizational conflicts Conflict can also arise out of the way an organization is structured. Group

members may disagree with certain members having authority and/or may disagree with the way those members use their authority.

Example:

Situational conflict Some conflicts arise out of an event that happens. Each member of a group

may disagree on or have a differing point of view about a situation which can lead to conflict.

Example:


What’s Your Conflict Management Style?Instructions: Listed below are 15 statements. Each statement provides a possible strategy for

dealing with a conflict. Give each a numerical value for your response. ( 1-Always, 2-Very often, 3-Sometimes, 4- Not very often, 5-Rarely, if ever.)

Don't answer as you think you should, answer as you actually behave.

____ a. I argue my case with peers, colleagues and coworkers to

demonstrate the merits of the position I take.

____ b. I try to reach compromises through negotiation.

____ c. I attempt to meet the expectation of others.

____ d. I seek to investigate issues with others in order to find solutions

that are mutually acceptable.

____ e. I am firm in resolve when it comes to defending my side of the

issue.

____ f. I try to avoid being singled out, keeping conflict with others to

myself.

____ g. I uphold my solutions to problems.

____ h. I compromise in order to reach solutions.

____ i. I trade important information with others so that problems can

be solved together.

____ j. I avoid discussing my differences with others.

____ k. I try to accommodate the wishes of my peers and colleagues.

____ l. I seek to bring everyone's concerns out into the open in order to

resolve disputes in the best possible way.

____ m. I put forward middles positions in efforts to break deadlocks.

____ n. I accept the recommendations of colleagues, peers, and

coworkers.

____ o. I avoid hard feelings by keeping my disagreements with others

to myself. January Retreat p. 4

FacilitatorDr. Pat Akers

Conflict Management Styles Scoring SheetScoring: The 15 statements you just read are listed below under five categories. Each

category contains the letters of three statements. Record the number you placed next to each statement. Calculate the total under each category. We will fill in the STYLE category at the end of this discussion at the retreat.

Style Total

a. _____ e._____ g. _____

d. _____ i. _____ l. _____

f. ____ j. _____ o. _____

c._____ k. _____ n. _____

b. _____ h. _____ m. _____

Results:

My dominant style is _________________________________ (Your LOWEST score)

and my back-up style is_______________________________ (Your second Lowest score)

“Good leaders do not try to eliminate conflict, they try to keep it from wasting the energies of their people.”


Characteristics of Conflict Management Styles

“The Teddy Bear” soothes. More than anything else, Teddy Bear wants others to accept

him or her. Quick to accommodate to others and ignore own needs

because Teddy Bear believes that asking others to meet his or her needs will harm the relationship.

When the Teddy Bear talks, everything sounds just fine. When you talk, he or she is listening and agreeing with you.

High

“The Turtle” tends to be passive and withdraws. Avoids people and issues that may cause conflict. Believes it is hopeless to try to resolve conflict. Feels helpless to gain his goals and refuses to cooperate with

others in gaining theirs. The Turtle neither talks nor listens. You won’t even get a

chance to discuss things with the Turtle.

Low

“The Fox” compromises. Has a “give and take” approach. Gives up some goals if you’ll give up some of yours. Values goals and relationships equally. When the Fox is talking, he or she is diplomatic but persuasive. When you talk, the Fox is trying hard to figure out some

compromise.

Medium

“The Owl” confronts openly and fairly. Begins discussions by identifying openly the wishes of both. Committed to personal goals and to others’ goals. Never satisfied until a solution is found that satisfies both. “If

we just keep working at this we’ll find a way for both of us.” Possesses a great deal of energy, patience, and time. The Owl attacks the problem, not the person. When the Owl talks, he or she may come on strong, but when

you talk, the Owl is listening carefully and sympathetically.

High

“The Shark” forces others to accept his or her way. Believes conflicts are settled by one person losing. Intimidating and oblivious to needs or feelings of others The Shark wants to win and will fight at any cost to do so. Values the end result over the relationship. While you’re talking, the Shark is thinking of his or her next

argument to defeat you.

Low

CharacteristicsRelationships

*Information compiled from: David W. Johnson, revised by Ron Kraybill, and adapted by Barry Bartel for use in Let's Talk: Communication Skills and Conflict Transformation.

Competitive

Collaborative

Compromise

Avoiding

Accommodating


Approaches to Managing Conflict

High Assertiveness

LowAssertiveness

Low Cooperation High Cooperation

Competitor Collaborator

Avoider Accommodator

Compromiser

Instead of saying, ‘I understand’, reveal what it is that you really do understand.”

When in doubt… “RESTATE…RESTATE…RESTATE” “What I hear you saying is….”

“See this issue from different perspectives. So, help me understand what your concerns are regarding……”

“ It sound like you weren’t expecting that to happen.”

“Can you say more about that?”

“I want to understand what has upset you.”

Helpful Conflict Resolution Language


Descriptions of Conflict ApproachesConflict is best understood by examining the consequences of various behaviors at moments in time. These behaviors are categorized according to conflict styles.

Competing is putting your needs above the needs of others. Characteristics are an aggressive style of communication and a low regard for future relationships. Competitor styles tend to seek control over a discussion. They fear that loss of such control will result in solutions that fail to meet their needs. Example of when appropriate:

Collaborating is the pooling of individual needs and goals toward a common goal. Often called "win-win problem-solving," collaboration requires a more assertive communication and cooperation to achieve a better solution which is better than either individual could have achieved alone. Covey calls it the “third way.” It provides for consensus and the integration of needs and brings new time, energy, and ideas to resolve the dispute meaningfully. Example of when appropriate:

Compromising is an approach to conflict in which people gain and give in a series of tradeoffs. While satisfactory, compromise is generally not satisfying. We remain focused on our needs and don't necessarily understand the other side very well and avoid risk-taking involved in more collaborative behaviors.

Example of when appropriate:

Avoiding is a common response to the negative perception of conflict. We think if we don't bring it up, it will blow over. Most of the time all that happens is that feelings get pent up, views go unexpressed, and the conflict festers until it becomes too big to ignore. Like a cancer that may well have been cured if treated early, the conflict grows and spreads until it kills the relationship. Because needs and concerns go unexpressed, people are often confused, wondering what went wrong in a relationship.


Accommodating, also known as smoothing over, is the opposite of competing. Persons using this style yield their needs to those of others, trying to be diplomatic. They tend to allow the needs of the group to overwhelm their own, which may not ever be stated as preserving the relationship is seen as most important.



Nine Strategies for Resolving Conflict1. Ask first … “Do I have a dog in this fight?” Is this issue important

to me? Do I want to spend the time and energy required to resolve this conflict?

2. Attack the problem, not the person.3. Accept and respect that individual opinions may differ, don’t try to

force compliance, work to develop common agreement.4. Communicate your feelings assertively, NOT aggressively.

Express them without blaming.5. Focus on areas of common interest and agreement, instead of

areas of disagreement and opposition.6. Forget the past and stay in the present.7. Listen without interrupting; ask for feedback if needed to assure a

clear understanding of the issue.8. NEVER jump to conclusions or make assumptions about what

another is feeling or thinking.9. Prevent escalation. Choose a non-threatening environment to

discuss the issue and come up with a solution or suggest ideas to defuse the problem.

Skills Leaders Need to Manage Conflict

Communication Skills

Decision-Making Skills

Leadership Skills

Management Skills

Negotiation Skills

Observing Skills

Time Management Skills


Good ConflictIf well managed, conflict can have positive outcomes says Brenda McManigle at the Center for Creative Leadership. “Conflict can lead to better decision making, expose key issues, stimulate critical thinking and fuel creativity and innovation.” Examples of Good Conflict Situations:

Constructive Responses to Conflict

Active resolution of conflict. Improved team performance. Less insistence on sticking adamantly to one position. Non-judgmental actions. Open and honest communication of feelings. The needs of both parties being met. Thoughtful, no impulsive responses. Win-win solutions.

Destructive Responses to Conflict Closed channels of communication. Decreased team performance. Feelings of anger and frustration. Getting even and keeping score. Incomplete tasks. Judgmental actions. Refusal to deal with issues.

Source: McManigle, Brenda. Center for Creative Leadership Newsletter. “Managing Conflict – Constructive issue. 2005.


• Identifying Your Difficult Person

• Characteristics of the Difficult Person

• Strategies to Deal with the Difficult Person

“Temper gets you into trouble;Pride keeps you there.”

Difficult People


Difficult People Tidbits

People are difficult because they …• do not have the skills nor the ability to do things in a more constructive

way.

• don’t take responsibility for their actions.

• need to be the center of attention.

• need to be in control.

• think they know it all.

Dealing with the difficult person requires you to … focus on what you can do. keep your cool. keep the lines of communication open. not take things personally . speak in private. use more "I" language than "you" language.

Check out the name of difficult people on pages 14-16 for suggestions

MyDifficult Person

Name:

Characteristics:


Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People Communicate assertively. You maintain your rights while

respecting the rights of others.

Find any agreement. This is always a wonderful place to start.

Focus on future behavior. “People aren’t the problem, it’s how you choose to behave that might be the problem.”

Know when to walk away. Ask “Is this relationship worth saving?”

Lose the victim mentality. Don’t turn over your life to them.

Practice your response. Don’t go into a situation ready to argue.

Stay in the "adult" mode and keep your cool. Don’t resort to childish behaviors.

Speak in private. Always handle your disagreements in private.

Teach others how to treat you. “People can’t push your buttons unless you show them the panel!”

Use more "I" language than "you" language. This helps prevent the other person from becoming defensive.


Types of Difficult People

Type Characteristics and How to Deal With Their Behaviors

Agreeable Annie

Flexible in her effort to be liked and get what she wants. Can be personable and over committed. Annie is an extrovert who will avoid disagreements at all costs.

To Deal: To work effectively with her, be non-threatening. Ask for her opinion and solutions, which will help her analyze a situation. Be aware of her over-commitments and help her monitor and manage her schedule. Make it non-threatening for her to be honest about her opinions and feelings. Hold her accountable for her commitments and part of any project.

Back Stabber Barry

Backstabber Barry is someone who will tell you to your face he agrees with you about issues and then betray your confidences.

To Deal: Be friendly and cordial without revealing your innermost thoughts. Don’t share any confidences.

Buck Passer Betty

Buck-Passer Betty unloads her work onto everyone else's desks. She blames others for her mistakes, and refuses to do anything that's not in her narrowly defined job description.

To Deal: Check your own job description to be sure the Betty’s task isn't part of your assigned duties. Assertively tell her you have your own responsibilities.

Bully (Tank) Bill

Bully Bill is aggressive. He is quick to anger, loves to intimidate others and throws tantrums when he does not get his own way. He believes he is right all of the time and will go to great lengths to prove his superiority.

To Deal: To work effectively with Bill, stay calm during his outbursts and stand up for yourself. Maintain good eye contact since his tirade will eventually run down. Prepare ahead of time with effective comebacks and clearly state you will not be his scapegoat or the brunt of his tantrum. Be friendly (every bully wants someone to accept them) and do not argue with him since that is part of his game.

Griper George

George takes no action but only complains. His gripes may be real concerns, or he may feel powerless and refuse responsibility. He might be missing information.

To Deal: Let him gripe. Acknowledge his concerns, but don't agree or empathize. Ask problem-solving questions. Don't allow complaints to go unsettled.

Interrupter Iona

Iona stops by your cubicle 10 times a day to chat about her latest boyfriend. Your ringing telephone and pressing deadlines don't deter her -- she keeps popping in and you keep losing your train of thought.

To Deal: Suggest she catch you at lunchtime or coffee break. Set time limits for meetings and breaks and stick to them. Try to meet people in their offices, so you can leave and end the conversation when you want.




Know-it-all Kelly Know it all Kelly is strongly opinionated, competitive, imposing, pompous, and intimidating. He often tries to make others feel foolish or dumb.

To Deal: Know your facts and be correct and concrete about the issues. Ask how his facts bear on things, and ask him to restate his views. Allow him to save face when he is inaccurate, and deal with him alone when possible.

Manipulator Molly Manipulator Molly is sweet to your face as she nips at your back. Molly will deny that she is playing games as she lines up another attack that seems to come out of nowhere. She tends to have a rigid set of standards she believes everyone should conform to.

To Deal: To work effectively with Molly, confront her. Reinforcement by several people that the behavior is unacceptable will help get the message through. Provide alternatives for her behavior. Establish regular problem-solving meetings to allow the issues to surface in a healthy manner.

Negative Norman Negative Norman succumbs to negative emotions and loves to replay and nurse his injuries and victimization. He wants to hold on to his wounded spirit and collect negative garbage.

To Deal: Confront him about trying to speak on behalf of others. When he complains, make him give you names of those he is supposedly speaking for. Challenge his generalizations and exaggerations.

Not-My-Job Nellie Not-My-Job Nellie expresses her displeasure by refusing to do any task, no matter how simple, if she decides it is not part of her job responsibilities. It is often her way of getting back at colleagues because of her unhappiness with how she is being treated. Her favorite saying is, "It is not part of my job description.”

Try to Deal: Try to find training and development opportunities for a Not-My-Job-person. Oftentimes she wants growth and advancement, but when she feels she is on a dead-end career road, she loses her enthusiasm for work and tries to do as little as possible.

Procrastinator Polly Procrastinator Polly delays things until the last possible minute, slowing you down by not having the information you need to meet your deadlines.

To Deal: Remind Procrastinator Polly about deadlines a week ahead, a day ahead -- whatever it takes to get the work done on time.




Resister Rhonda

Any change no matter how small, can upset Resister Rhonda and cause an outbreak of negativity. She loves the status quo. Try to change it and her resistance will flare up. Early on in her life, this type of person got the message that change was negative, and finds every reason to fight it. The Resister usually does not openly express her opposition to change. She does it more subtly. She may even say that the change is good and that she supports it, and then just won't implement it. The extreme Resister may even resort to sabotage if she finds a particular change exceptionally threatening. Her favorite saying is "I liked it better the old way."

To Deal: The best strategy is to try to involve these people in the change. If they are part of the process or come up with the change themselves, their resistance will decrease tremendously. You may also want to gradually introduce the change to them so that they have time to get used to it. Sudden change is an open introduction to heightened negativity.

Rumormonger Ralph

Rumormonger Ralph takes out his negativity toward work by spreading rumors. He feels a sense of importance when the stories he created or helped spread begin to circulate or when others have strong reactions to what he is saying. Rumors help him regain that control he feels he might have lost over others. His favorite saying is, "Let me tell you what is really happening."

To Deal: There's at least one in every office: someone who loves to talk about and judge what everyone else is doing. You can discourage this kind of verbal garbage by tactfully refusing to listen to it or contributing to it. By stopping the gossip before it starts, you'll get across the message that you're not interested.

Silent Steve Silent Steve responds with one-word answers (yes, no, maybe) and is very tight-lipped. Does not participate in conversations and will not reveal why they are quiet even when asked. Steve tends to be shy.

To Deal: To work effectively with him, ask open-ended questions. Show appreciation for their positive work and praise the behavior you want to reinforce. Allow enough time in conversations for them to respond, do not interrupt the pregnant pause.


My Plan to Deal With the Difficult Person

What are some steps you will take in the next week to deal with your difficult person?

“Difficult People are your key to self empowerment, you need to learn how to cope with them, not let them dominate and affect you.” --Janice Davies


Courageous Conversation

January Retreat p. 17FacilitatorAlthea Riddick

Courageous Conversations

“No matter how effective a communicator you are, there will be times when you will not know how to address a difficult situation professionally. Avoiding the situation is not an option.”

Define Courageous Conversations without using examples. What is the purpose of a Courageous Conversation? As a leader, list three situations that you think may require a courageous conversation.1. 2. 3.


Courageous Conversations

“It’s not what you say that makes a conversation difficult, it is how you say it and the emotions involved.”

Take a few minutes in your group and discuss a situation that you avoided because of a preconceived negative outcome.

How does who “you are” as a person affect your ability to address

difficult situations?

How can you manage your emotions during a difficult conversation?

Going forward, what can you do as a leader to improve your ability to address difficult situations?


Rules to Follow in Conducting the Courageous Conversation

1. Tell the person ahead of time you want to talk to them about the issue. (e.g. I’d like to come and see you on Thursday to discuss how to improve your turning in assignments on time”).

2. Start the conversation by identify what you believe the issue is and the impact you feel it is having on you and the organization. Be assertive and clear – if not, you risk losing momentum from the start.

3. Tell them why the situation matters to you and what you feel are the implications if it is not sorted out.

4. Ask them to acknowledge that they’ve understood what you’ve said and for their perspective on the situation. Listen carefully, asking for elaboration or clarification if necessary.

5. Tell them what outcome you would like to see; then ask them to suggest a solution that would address your concerns.

6. Discuss their proposals using lots of questions and reflecting back what they agree to so you are both clear about what is involved.

7. Ask them for their commitment to making the change and stipulate a timescale. Agree with them how you will both know when the change has been made.

8. Once the conversation has finished, take a few moments to reflect internally how it went. No doubt it won’t have been painless if you’re new to it, but vow to keep practicing – it gets much easier every time.

Source: Wilson, Dianne, B. “Tips on Getting What You Want”. Retrieved from the internet on at http://www.freelanceadvisor.co.uk/training/three-simple-tips-for-getting-what-you-want/

January 8, 2011.


http://www.freelanceadvisor.co.uk/training/three-simple-tips-for-getting-what-you-want/

http://www.freelanceadvisor.co.uk/training/three-simple-tips-for-getting-what-you-want/

“Valuing diversity is a celebration

of our individual

uniqueness.”

Inclusive Leadership

January Retreat p. 21FacilitatorsDr. Pat Akers and Althea Riddick

Embracing Diversity1. Describe the diversity you viewed in the video clip.

2. What words capture how you felt after viewing the clip?

3. What components should be included as we talk about diversity?

Equity is the principle of fairnessEquity involves recognizing that people are different and need different support and

resources to ensure their rights are realized. To ensure fairness, measures must often be taken to compensate for specific discrimination and disadvantages.

Inclusion is ensuring that all are able to participate fullyInclusion is not just about improving access to services, but also supporting people

to engage in wider processes to ensure that their rights and needs are recognized.

Diversity is …


Accessibility Ensure that facilities are accessible to everyone and provide reasonable accommodations

Avoid using labels Labels are debilitating and make people more aware of the difference

Communication Without communication, strategies for creating the most inclusive atmosphere are unknown.

Person-first language Make sure to put the person first, not the disability

Positively acknowledge differences

Find ways to celebrate/include differences when appropriate and possible

Prior assessment Make sure to assess participants’ needs before they arrive and ask for as much information as possible on registration forms to ensure that you are prepared. Questions can include:

Do you have any dietary restrictions Do you need any special

accommodations

Traits of an Inclusive Leader:

Strategies for Inclusion


Developing Diversity Competence

• Awareness

• Knowledge

• Skills

• Actions/Behaviors

What one thing can you do to improve your awareness of diversity in the next 30 days?

“Diversity: the art of thinking independently together.”Malcolm Stevenson Forbes


Ways to Improve Inclusiveness on Your Campus

• _______________________________________________________

• _______________________________________________________

• _______________________________________________________

• _______________________________________________________

• _______________________________________________________

• _______________________________________________________


“We could learn a lot from Crayons”

“Some are sharp, some are pretty, and some are dull.Some have weird names, and all are different colors,But they all live together in the same

box.”


managing conflict

Documents

conflict style

managing conflict

ways conflict

situational conflict

appropriate strategies

personality conflicts

group members

pat akers whats