managing conflict successfully

www.convergencecoaching.com©Copyright 2000-2013

ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

Managing Conflict Successfully

Presented by: Jack G. Lee III, CPAAugust 20, 2013


ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved. 2

Poll #1

• What answer best characterizes your reason for attending this web seminar?– To gain insight my personal conflict management style– To explore better ways for dealing with conflicts– To learn how to prepare for a difficult conversation– To find out how to address difficult performance issues– Other



Partner Performance and Accountability Webinars• Our 2013 Partner Accountability Webinar Series has

been designed to spark your strategic thinking in the area of partner performance and accountability, and includes the following sessions:– In Session 1 on June 25th, we focused on “Setting Partner Expectations

and Reporting to Drive Performance and Accountability”– In Session 2 on July 16th, we learned about “Driving Partner

Performance and Accountability with Feedback and Straight Talk”– In today’s final session (Session 3), we’ll conclude the series with a

discussion on “Managing Conflict Successfully”

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Our Agenda

• In this session, we will continue to explore how to improve our overall performance and accountability by:– Understanding the barriers which keep us from effectively

dealing with conflict – Exploring the various conflict management styles and a better

collaborative way of dealing with disappointments and upsets– Identifying methods to uncover the underlying causes of

conflicts– Learning to “talk straight” and use specific language for handling

conflicts more strategically and with more success



Let’s Review:Keys to Performance and Accountability

Establish Unity Around Firm Strategy

Define Performance– Roles

and Goals

Monitor Performan

ce – Return

and Report

Evaluate and

Discuss Performan

ce

Reward Performan

ce

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Keys To Performance and Accountability• To improve performance and accountability in your

firm, there are three key attributes on which to focus:– Unity – establishing unity around your firm strategy with

trust as your foundation– Ownership – defining roles and goals and taking

responsibility for achieving results– Accountability – monitoring and evaluating your

performance, acknowledging you can be better

These come together in our Leadership Development Model…

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The Leadership Development Model

Establish Unity

Around Firm Strategy

Define Performance– Roles and

Goals

Monitor Performance – Return and

Report

Evaluate and Discuss

Performance

Reward Performance

Ownership

AccountabilityTrust



Lack of Trust =Lack of Unity• The main reason firms struggle with forming and supporting a

unified strategy is the lack of trust• Lack of trust shows up as:

– Inability to make decisions, or “churn”– Triangulation and “side conversations”– Internal competition vs. external– Unresolved conflict and inability to move forward– Lack of passion and energy– Unwillingness to submit to or support group decisions

• Bottom Line: without trust you can’t have accountability and without accountability, you can’t have trust



Three Trust Building Behaviors • Integrity is more than “honesty” or “doing the right thing”

and includes:– Keeping commitments – not over-committing and under-delivering– Resetting expectations when commitments cannot be kept

• Accountability is following through on commitments and includes: – Taking responsibility when their “things” are not going as planned– Holding others accountable

• Straight Talk uses candor and honesty in all communications and tells it like it is, and includes:– No beating around the bush– No avoiding difficult subjects

Integrity

Straight Talk

Trust

Account-ability



Developing A “Get Better” Culture

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“Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.

Try to be better than yourself.”William FaulknerAmerican Writer

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The Get Better Culture

• Leaders and managers are imperfect and can always get better – every day until they retire

• Leaders and managers need feedback to get better – no one is above feedback and input

• All firm processes, programs, services and other mechanical elements can always improve – there are no sacred cows

• Every person should be striving to get better and to improve the firm so it can get better, too

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Barriers That Keep Us From Effectively Dealing With Conflict

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Most of us don’t feel comfortable engaging in conflict because we are afraid of being wrong, causing an

argument, damaging relationships, or hurting people’s feelings

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How do you feel when you have a conflict with someone at work?

What do you usually do about it?



Typical View of Conflict

• When there is a conflict, we mostly focus on the negative aspects – The problem – The consequences or impact of the conflict – Our feelings about it



Then We Tell Others!

• We don’t go directly to the person with whom we have a concern and instead, we tell others– We call this “triangulation”

• This eventually “gets around” to the other party, eroding respect and trust– And, it can erode trust and respect of those with whom

you “confide” or “vent,” too• Instead of professionally resolving the matter, you

make it worse or at best, allow it to persist



But Conflict Can Be Good!• Because it:

– Highlights problems– Promotes change– Encourages compromise and shared solutions– Enhances morale and group identity when

dealt with openly– Stimulates interest, creativity, and innovation



How Do You Handle Conflict?• There are four typical conflict management styles• Usually, one party approaches the conflict using their

dominant style and the other party adapts to it• You need to understand your dominant style at work,

realizing that –– You may use a different style at work than you do at home– You may use more than one of these but try to identify your

dominant style



The Avoider

Photo courtesy of www.freefoto.com



The Accommodator




The Confronter




Compromiser




Poll #2

• What’s your dominant style?– Avoider– Accommodator– Competitor– Compromiser



There Is Another Way!

The Collaborator




There Is Another Way!

• Collaborating (“The Win-Win-er”)– Working together– Developing solutions

• Situational – change something!• Appeal to major common goals (“the greater good”)

– Allowing each party to address their self-interest and achieve their desired outcome (or close to it)



Don’t Be Afraid To Talk Straight!• Straight talk is not “brutal honesty” – when done

right, there’s nothing hurtful about it• It’s not about redressing wrongs or giving someone

the “what for” – where you are “right” and they are “wrong”

• It’s about caring enough about someone and your relationship with them to overcome your fear and express your insights so you can both improve

• It’s more about being vulnerable than forceful



Don’t Be Afraid To Talk Straight!• When you do, then your conflict partner can more

openly share their thoughts, too• So you can understand their perspective• Then, you can both come to agreement on how to

move forward constructively



Poll #3

• What are some conflict examples that you encounter in workplace? (check all that apply)– A client doesn’t provide their information on time– A client is upset about their invoice– A partner or manager doesn’t follow a firm policy – A colleague shuts down others by interrupting or shouting– A staff person consistently misses agreed deadlines



Preparing For DifficultPerformance Conversations

(Before The Meeting)



Preparing For Difficult Conversations• Start by defining the conflict

– Examine the situation and consider possible solutions– This is essentially a “venting” place for you to clear your

wrong-making thoughts• Commit to having the discussion

– Set the time and place for the discussion – Avoid distractions and public places– Give yourself enough time

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Preparing For Difficult Conversations

• Prepare an outline of your view of the situation– Consider the root cause and examine your

interpretations– Ask how you could be as much as 100% responsible for

the problem– Consider the ramifications– Examine possible solutions

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Your Mindset

• The number one thing that will make a difference in managing difficult conversations is your mindset– Your likelihood of success in the conversation is low if

you’re coming from anger, irritation or that other person is “wrong” or inept, or other negative interpretations

– Your likelihood of the conversation going well is high if you center yourself around giving your “conflict partner” a gift that will enhance their whole life -- doing what’s in their best interest • Come from a place of care and concern for your partner• Have your intention be to inspire them to succeed

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To Adopt the Necessary Mindset…

…you have to take 100% responsibility for your role and give up making the other

party wrong!

… and instead look for ways to collaborate with your “conflict partner”

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Discussing Difficult Issues

NOT: “I’m right, you’re wrong” INSTEAD: “Let’s partner together”

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To Achieve Your Desired Outcome• Self-honesty is required• You have to acknowledge your self interest

and be willing to share it– Vulnerability and humanity are required– There are few real “Mother Theresas”

• Your goal is to create an environment where your conflict partner can do the same – You cannot collaborate until all agendas are on the

table

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Give Up Being Right• You have a perspective and it’s your truth but it isn’t

necessarily THE TRUTH• Your truth is often clouded by your selfish interest or

frustration that you are somehow dealing with an imposition – Carrying more weight than you should– Not getting all the credit you think you should get– Not having things go the way you expected

• The other party has their own selfish interest and their own view of things – which is sometimes oblivious to your concerns

• You need to speak with them to share your views, hear their views and have the full picture



Distinguishing Self-Interest • We all have self-interest which usually falls into one

of the following categories:– Looking good or avoiding looking bad – Getting more time or taking less of our time – Getting more money or taking less of our money – Experiencing pleasure or some form of feeling good

• In effectively dealing with conflict, you have to openly share your self-interest and understand your conflict partner’s possible self-interest

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Conflict Example #1 Self Interest• Your co-worker didn’t complete their portion of a project by

Thursday and now it’s Friday afternoon and you feel immense pressure to get the work done

• Your self interest could include: – Not wanting to spend additional time (perhaps in the evening or over

the weekend) to complete your portion of the project– Wanting to look good to the client by delivering the project on time

early next week• Your colleague’s self interest could include:

– Wanting more time for other projects, personal interests, etc. – Not wanting to look bad because of questions they have or something

they don’t understand – Making more money because they are paid a bonus on new business

development (and not on client billings) so they focused on that first– Doing the “bigger boss’” work first so they will look good in their eyes

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Conflict Example #2Self Interest• Your client has not paid their invoice which is now over 90

days outstanding and your managing partner is pressuring you to get it collected before the end of the month

• Your self interest could include: – Not wanting to spend additional time tracking down the client to pay

his bill on time– Not wanting to look bad in front of the managing partner– Not wanting to have your bonus negatively impacted by poor billing

and collection performance• Your client’s self interest could include:

– Not wanting to have a difficult conversation about the performance of one of your team members on the engagement

– Not wanting to look bad in front of their boss for causing fees to increase due to missing project deadlines

– Not wanting to have their bonus negatively impacted

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Interpretations

• There are many ways to interpret your conflict– And it’s worth developing a number of potential ways to

view the conflict before identifying your approach to it– We suggest you play an interpretations game

• Let’s explore some possible ways to interpret the situation – Consider both “ugly” (negative) and “hopeful” (positive)

interpretations– Which is the truth?



Conflict Example #1Interpretations• You could be making your co-worker wrong for not

completing their portion of the project on time by thinking that he/she: – Is lazy– Doesn’t care about their work or the client– Is trying to sabotage you and make you look bad

• Hopeful, or positive interpretations that will be more constructive are that it’s possible that your co-worker: – Didn’t know the timeline – Wasn’t trained on the methodology so it took them longer – Received multiple assignments and didn’t know the priority of this one

over the others – Was afraid to communicate their roadblocks to you

Which is the truth?42



Conflict Example #2Interpretations• You could be making your client wrong for not paying the

invoice by thinking that he/she: – Is incompetent in doing their job– Doesn’t care about you or your firm– Is trying to make his financial performance look better at your expense

• Hopeful, or positive interpretations that will be more constructive are that it’s possible that your client: – Has some concerns about the service he wants to clear up before

paying the invoice – Needs help understanding the amount of the invoice and explaining

the value of the additional services to his boss– Has recently been dealing with a number of personal issues and

unable to address payment of outstanding invoices – Was afraid to communicate their short term cash flow concerns

Which is the truth?

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Interpretations Can Be Tricky!• There are many potential reasons or causes for each

communication or performance breakdown• Without having critical and honest information, your

approach could come from “made up stuff”• Use the interpretations game to vent your negative

feelings about disappointments or unmet expectations and see that there are other possible interpretations that are worth exploring

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“I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually

happened.”

Mark Twain

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Conducting DifficultPerformance Conversations

(During The Meeting)



“EOIS” Method

• When expectations aren’t met, recognize you have to undertake a “research” conversation to find out why

• Set up the conversation in a non-punishing, collaborative way

• Be clear and specific• Follow an “expectation, observation, inquiry, stop”

approach– “I had expected your portion of the Jones project on

Thursday, but it’s Friday afternoon and I do not have it yet. Why do you think this has occurred?”



Verbally Discussing the

Area For Improvement• Share what your expectation was • Identify how the behavior or outcome differed

• Ask for the other party’s perspective on the situation– Be in an inquiry mode – remember, you don’t already know

• Some possible questions you could ask after you have shared your expectations and observations – What is your view of what happened (or not happened)? – What do you think caused this performance?– Why do you think this occurred?– How do you feel you about your performance in this area?

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Stop and Listen!

• Listen for cues and clues from the other party as to what happened on their end

• Consider using reflective listening techniques, like:– Repeat what they say, usually by paraphrasing, “As I understand it…”– Acknowledge any feelings they express, “So you feel that…”

• You can also use simple phrases to acknowledge that you’re listening, but that don’t necessarily express agreement– I see, I understand, I can appreciate that



Listen For Clues

• You’re looking to see:– Is the conflict caused by miscommunication or improperly

set expectations?– Or from a lack of competency (skill, ability, experience,

talent)? – Or, is there some sort of intention or motive that I’m

uncomfortable with?



Three Common Causes

• Communication failures are usually two-way and require both parties to establish a new expectation and understanding of how they’ll behave, perform or interact going forward

• Competency issues can often be resolved with additional training, mentoring or experience– But sometimes, people lack the gifts to do the work

they’re assigned, in which case we can consider changing their role or removing them from the work

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Three Common Causes

• Motivation questions are far trickier to resolve and require an even greater depth of straight talk– They require that we acknowledge that we have selfish

interest in our relationships– At work, we all want more (and at least not less!) money,

time, esteem and peace of mind– When we wonder why someone is doing something, we

may have to acknowledge our self interest and ask them what theirs is• “I am concerned that this project is delayed because I must now

work on the weekend to get it delivered to the client on time. What caused this delay and how can we avoid it in the future?”

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Motive Concerns

• Sometimes we can’t get comfortable with the motives or intentions of the other party– This is the most difficult type of conflict to resolve as trust needs to be

rebuilt• If you want to rebuild trust, you’ll have to extend trust by

sharing your feelings– “We’ve now had three conversations about this and I still don’t

understand what’s motivating you and really want to understand it.”– “I feel like you’re operating more out of your own self interest than in

the interest of our team (our firm, our relationship). What can we do to ensure that we’re both working for the same common goal and not just for ourselves?”



Optionally Share Impacts/Commitment• Share your view of the impacts of the situation as it

sits today and state your commitment– Provide concrete examples of the impacts and how those

impacts make you feel• Share your commitment to the greater good and/or

other person and what you see is possible– Ask for their commitment (or re-commitment)– Remember, if you’re coming in support of your colleague’s

success and that you’re on his/her team, you’ll succeed

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Collaborate A Solution

• Ask for help in developing a solution to the issue and restate your commitment– Stop and listen again!– Agree on what you’re both going to do to resolve the

matter– Reiterate your commitment

• Realize that you may have to have multiple conversations, especially if it’s a long-standing issue, and that can be okay



Listen Some More!

• Straight talk is a two-way street• When you delve into what’s behind the issues, be

prepared to look in the mirror!• You both should be asking (and discussing):

– Is there a different way to see or perceive things with the information from this conversation?

– What could I do differently going forward? – Is there an apology to make or accept?– What communication mechanisms can we put in place to

ensure that we don’t have this misunderstanding or disappointment again?



When You Run Into Roadblocks• When the other party isn’t engaged in the

conversation or responds with “I don’t know,” or silence, consider:– Restating your commitment and any impacts – Sharing that their perspective is the only way to generate a

collaborative solution• When the other party responds is anger or tears,

indicating that the conflict may be the “tip of the iceberg” of underlying personal problems, consider:– Offering time to contemplate their view of the situation

and generate possible solutions and then regroup



Common Mistakes

• Bringing emotion into the conversation– Wait until you can handle the matter strategically

• Using blame words– You should have, never, always– How could you, what were you thinking, etc.– I would assume you’d know this at your level (or based on prior

engagements you’ve worked on, etc.) • Taking a strong stand

– We or you never, we or you always– I totally disagree, hate when that happens, etc.

• Taking a weak stand– It would be good if you considered this…

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Common Mistakes

• Being insensitive to time and place– Watch the temptation to “joke” or “jab” in a group setting

about something you all know needs to change– Avoid delivering feedback in a group setting unless the

purpose of the meeting is to do so• If the feedback has the potential to embarrass

someone, deliver it in private• Being insensitive to the “politics”

– Don’t let firm politics stop you from speaking out – but do allow them to have you consider the forum and approach

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Keep, Stop, Start

• Another wonderful straight talk method is called “keep, stop and start”

• It applies more to feedback that is invited or expected as in the case of mentoring meetings, performance appraisals or other structured feedback sessions

• Prior to the meeting, consider:– What do I most want my colleague to keep doing? (things they’re doing well

or that are of great value)– What do I think my they should stop doing that they are doing now? (things

that aren’t working or things they need to give up, delegate or relinquish)– What do I think they should start doing that they are not yet doing? (things

that will benefit them, their team or the firm if they take them on going forward)

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Conducting DifficultPerformance Conversations

(After The Meeting)



Document Agreed Upon Actions• Agree on the actions and follow-up you’re both going

to commit to going forward• Be specific about the decisions you agreed to and

document them in writing with any actions, who owns them and by-when they’ll be complete

• Hold a check-in meeting 2-4 weeks after the initial feedback meeting to see how things are progressing

• Encourage ongoing feedback or check in meetings thereafter



Ongoing Communication• Use these strategies to create an environment

for open and ongoing communication and feedback

• Teach all of your team members this approach and encourage performance conversations – it works downstream, upstream, and side-stream, too



“Without the willingness to be vulnerable, we will not build deep and lasting relationships in life. That’s because there is no better way to earn a person’s trust than by putting ourselves in a position of unprotected weakness and demonstrating that we believe they will support us.”

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Patrick LencioniFrom “Getting Naked”



Poll #4

• After of this session, I will practice the expectation, observation, inquiry, stop approach in a conversation with: – Someone to whom I am subordinate or a peer at work– A subordinate I manage– A client or a vendor– Someone in my personal life – Other

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Thank You!

• Contact us at any time!

Jack G. Lee III, CPA(414) 659-9822

[email protected]://www.linkedin.com/in/jackleecpa



Resources

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ConvergenceCoaching Resources• ConvergenceCoaching’s web site includes information at:

– www.convergencecoaching.com • Read our Coaching Concepts newsletter:

– http://www.convergencecoaching.com/CoachingConcepts

• Visit our blog for posts on these topics: – www.convergencecoaching.com/blog

• Visit our learning center for access to additional courses and our “Straight Talk Your Way to Success” e-book:– http://www.convergencelearning.com

• Visit us on Facebook: – http://www.facebook.com/convergencecoaching

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Experienced Partner Leadership Program • The EPLP will run from September 1, 2013 to August 31, 2014,

where participants will engage in:– Two, two-day in-person workshops including valuable peer sharing

and information exchange– Tailored one-on-one coaching sessions – Virtual roundtables to discuss relevant, strategic topics facing the

profession and your firm– A program project that will benefit you and your firm– Access to resources, tools, online self-study learning, and web

seminars – And more - leading to inspiring, vision-based leadership behaviors!

• For more information and to register visit www.convergencelearning.com



Conflict Management Resources• “Are You Guilty of Triangulation on the Job?” by Jennifer Wilson

– http://www.cpa2biz.com/Content/media/PRODUCER_CONTENT/Newsletters/Articles_2011/CPA/Jul/TriangulatingOnJob.jsp

• “Another Possible View” by Tamera Loerzel – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/blog/2010/05/another-possible-

view/• Conducting Performance Feedback by Jennifer Wilson

– http://www.cpa2biz.com/Content/media/PRODUCER_CONTENT/Newsletters/Articles_2011/CorpFin/Conducting_Performance_Feedback.jsp

• Conflict Management at– http://www.ctic.purdue.edu/KYW/Brochures/ManageConflict.html

• Conflict Resolution Network at www.crnhq.org/windskill1.html

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Conflict Management Resources• Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler,

and Covey• Management by Kathryn M. Bartol and David C. Martin (Irwin

McGraw-Hill, 1998)• Primal Leadership by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, &

Annie McKee (Harvard Business School Press, 2002) • Straight Talk Your Way To Success E-Book

– www.convergencelearning .com • Ten Tips for Managing Conflict, Tension and Anger by Claire

Albright– http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/selfhelp/a/tentips.htm

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Conflict Management Resources• “The Gift of Truth,” by Tamera Loerzel

– http://www.convergencecoaching.com/blog/2011/08/the-gift-of-truth/

• The Heart of a Leader by Ken Blanchard (1999)

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ConvergenceCoaching Strategic Partner• Avalara

– Avalara provides cloud-based, automated, end-to-end compliance services for accounting and tax professionals and businesses of all sizes, including sales and use tax calculation, exemption certificate management, filing and remittance, and other related services

– www.avalara.com– Contact:

• Ray Bigley, VP Business Development• 206.465.5198• [email protected]

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