love, anger and forgiveness
TRANSCRIPT
LOVE, ANGER &
FORGIVENESSWilliam G. DeFoore, Ph.D. www.defoore.com
National Wellness Conference, 2006
OUR JOURNEY AHEAD…
•Holding on and letting go•Origin & nature of :
LoveAngerForgiveness
OUR JOURNEY AHEAD…
•Healthy/unhealthy anger•Healthy/unhealthy forgiveness•The role of empathy•Grieving & forgiveness•Thought-action-feeling overview
•Anger, forgiveness and intimacy
•Self forgiveness, faith & optimism
HOLDING ON…•Love makes us want to hold on
•Hold too tight, and love is gone
•Anger is holding on•Holding on becomes control, jealousy, dependency—not love
LETTING GO…•“Love is letting go”•“Anger release” means letting go
•Forgiveness is letting go of anger•Deep love requires surrender
•Letting go can be the beginning of control
•It’s “blind,” “intoxicating”•It “makes the world go around”
•It’s what we want & fear most
•It can lead to control•It is a primary motivator •It just might be who we are
LOVE
ANGER•Comes from love & fear•Can destroy love•Judgment•Projection•Victim position•Holding on
FORGIVENESS •Release•Letting go
•Return to love•The “good” thing to do
ANGER IS…Wanting something you don’t have:•Justice•Revenge•Change in others
FORGIVENESS IS Accepting and being at peace with…
what you do have
ANGER IS…•Energy, emotion—energy in motion
•For your benefit & protection•Natural and healthy at its core•Toxic when repressed & denied•Destructive when isolated from love and wisdom
ANGER IS NOT…•The “bad guy”•An effective form of vengeance
•Behavior—aggression/violence
•A good communicator by itself
•The opposite of forgiveness
FORGIVENESS IS NOT…
•Absolving the perpetrator•Letting anyone off “the hook”•Approval for behavior
•For the forgiven—necessarily•Denying the need for justice
FORGIVENESS IS… •A process—not an end point•Taking responsibility for your wounds
•Holding the perpetrator accountable
•For benefit of your health•A return to love
ANGER & FORGIVENESS AS THE SAME
UNHEALTHYANGER
•Judgment
•“One up” position
•Dishonoring to the self
PREMATURE FORGIVENESS
•Judgment
•“One up” position
•Dishonoring to the self
HEALTHY ANGER
•Power•Release•Letting go•Out of the victim position•Exists in a container of love
TRUE FORGIVENESS
•Power•Release•Letting go•Out of the victim position•Exists in a container of love
04/18/2023
Thoughts
Actions
Emotions
UNHEALTHY ANGER• “It’ not my fault”• “They” are bad/evil• “I’m good because I’m not them”
• Aggression, attack, violence• Passive-aggressive behavior• Depression/illness
• Victim feeling• Nursing wounds• Helplessness/powerlessness
04/18/2023
Thoughts
Actions
Emotions
HEALTHY ANGER• “They are responsible for their actions”• “I am responsible for my reactions”• “How can I grow stronger, wiser, safer?”
• Taking time for emotional release• Spiritual practice• Effective, productive action
• Power/strength• Release/relief• Forgiveness/acceptance
GRIEF AND FORGIVENESS
•Both start with love/vulnerability
•Both involve loss/injury•Both are blocked by unexpressed anger, rage, hatred
•Both require movement through pain & sorrow
•Both involve a return to love
EMPATHY AND ANGER
•Perpetrators lack empathy•Empathy is a bridge for communication•Empathy allows other to be human & dispels illusion of self-righteousness
•Both require understanding•Every victim contains a perpetrator
•Empathy allows acceptance when forgiveness is not attainable
EMPATHY AND FORGIVENESS
•The greatest love
•The greatest anger
•The greatest need for forgiveness
ANGER, LOVE ANDFORGIVENESS IN INTIMATE
RELATIONSHIP
THE ROLE OF PROTECTOR/PROVIDER
In Intimate Relationships
We need protection from:
•Anger•Sarcasm•Neglect•Criticism•Judgment•Projection
And we need to provide:
•Love•Safety•Support•Forgiveness•Responsibility•Financial wellness
•Spiritual leadership
THE ART OF APPRECIATION
1.Raises the value ofa.The relationshipb.The person (in your eyes)
2.Lowers your stress level3.Raises your energy level4.Inspires loyalty &
camaraderie5.It’s good for your health,
so do it for you!
Emotions Reflected in Heart Rhythm PatternsSource: heartmath.org
ANGER, LOVE, FORGIVENESS & YOURSELF
•Healing of basic shame•Embracing the inner critic•Becoming your own best friend
•Importance of faith and optimism
•Accepting freedom and responsibility
Web Resources
WilliamDeFoore.com
Goodfinding.com
AngerManagementResource.com