Relationship Building Techniques for Adult Clients

Interpersonal Relationship Techniques with AdultsMichele AluochRiver of Life Professional Counseling LCc. 2013Who am I?Rosenberger, E. W. (2011)What do I want out of life?Where am I going?How will I know when I get there?What resources do I need to feel fulfilled?

Goal of therapy: seeking to recreate what is considered good in relationships, seeking to foster what is healthy- use camera check methodWho am I?: Developing Self AwarenessPersonality qualities, hobbies and interestsExperiences in lifeBeliefs and values

Put each on a sheet and pick out of shoebox. Can you guess. Then build on these to get to know each other more.

Meeting Someone: IntroductionsStand upLook the other person in the eyeSmileSay- Hi. I am ________Make some comments about activity

A Help Wanted AdFriend Wanted!

Age:Type of relationship:Qualities:Behaviors:

Expectations:

Exercises: Introducing YourselfYou see a new colleague starting at your department in work and want to welcome him.

You find out from one of your neighbors that a new couple moved in three houses down from you.

There are some new students in your college class. You are told you will have to do a group project next quarter. Better start getting to know whos who now.

Five Key Questions: Couples TherapyMadden, M. (2005)How did you get the courage to talk to a stranger about your relationship?Do you think the problems In the relationship are more to do with things inside or things outside the relationship?What do you notice about other relationships that is like or unlike your own?If your relationship does improve, which of you will be more likely to have changed?Did you learn anything in your own family that has helped or hindered you in this relationship?

Healthy Marriages- Qualities(Carlson, & Dinkmeyer, 1991, Dinkmeyer & Carson, 1984)1. Making the relationship a priority2. Communicating regularly3 Practicing encouragement4. Having marriage meetings and choices5. Setting up negotiations, rules, and conflict resolution6. Having regular fun7. Emotional and psychological intimacy

Dealing With Outside People

Family of OriginCook, J.M., & Poulsen, S.S. (2011) Photographs with genogramPatternsVisualsGoals:Improve insightDecrease emotional reactivityReduce dysfunctionAddress various angles of the narrativeFamily of OriginCook, J.M., & Poulsen, S.S. (2011) From planned cognitions to here and now reactionsExperiencing the photographs again

Exercise: Set Your Marriage Table(Smith, R. L., 2006, p.81-82)

1. Sit down together and list all the people who are seated at your marriage table, those who play a role in your life.

2. When you have created your joint list, take some time individually to place the names around your table. On separate sheets of paper, draw a big rectangular shape, representing your table. Place you and your partner at the center. Then, spreading out from each side, write the names from your list, as if you were making place cards for your table.

3. Share your results. How do your seating plans at the marriage table differ? Talk about your reasons for seating people where you did. Are there people who dont belong at your marriage table at all? Be honest about describing the roles others will play in your lives.Exercise: Set Your Marriage Table (Continued)4. Take a third sheet of a paper, and draw a new rectangular shape. This will be the tale you set together. Take plenty of time naming your final seating arrangements at the marriage table. You may want to work on it over the course of a week or two, until youre both satisfied. Keep in mind that your Marriage Table seating plan isnt permanent. You can-and should-reset it as your lives evolve and change. (Births, deaths, new friends, job changes, etc.)

5. Establish a date once a year (not your anniversary, New Years Day, or other significant dates) when you will review the place cards and rest your Marriage Table. Choose a time when you are both not charged or depleted from other events.Cognitive Behavioral MethodsCognitive- Behavioral Therapies

Identifying/challenging toxic thought patterns* Individually* Relationally

Identifying behavioral goals Challenging Thought PatternsShouldsWhy?if only ____, then _____Have tos_____ enoughAbsolutes: always/neverRight/wrongGood/bad _____

Thinking Error Types1) Awfulizing/Catastrophizing- Predicting only negative outcomes for the future: ____ is awful, terrible, catastrophic or as bad as it could possibly be, If ___ happens my life is over.2) Disqualifying/Discounting- Overlooking the positive and only seeing the negative, believing that good things dont count: I am sure even when my family complimented me they had to because they are my relatives. They had to be nice.3) All or nothing- Viewing the situation on one end of extremes: If my boss corrects me I must be the worst employee, If my child does something wrong I failed as a parent, If I didnt pass one exam I am an unsuccessful student.4 Low Frustration Tolerance- Belief that things should not be inconvenient: I cant stand _____ ; _____ is too much and is intolerable or unbearable.

Thinking Error Types5) Self Downing- Self deprecating thoughts: I am no good, worthless, useless, and utter failure, beyond hope or help, devoid of value.6) Other downing- Derogatory beliefs about others: You are no good, worthless, useless, an utter failure, beyond hope, of no value7) Emotional reasoning- Letting emotions totally overrule facts to the contrary: I feel as if everyone is talking about me.8) Labeling- Giving a label or stereotype without testing beliefs out: All of them are like that.9) Mind reading- Trying to predict things based on limited aspects of a situation: I know they will think Im poor because I cant afford the latest clothes.

Thinking Error Types10) Overgeneralization- Making broad conclusions about an event based on limited information: My husband doesnt love me because he is always busy when I am around.11) Personalization- Assuming that others behaviors are all about you: My wife is quiet. Something must be on her mind.12) Shoulds/musts- Having an absolute concrete standard about how things ought to be: Successful people in life only get As in school.

Exercise: 10 Commandments of Healthy RelationshipsBeliefs regarding values in healthy relationshipsBeliefs regarding communicationBeliefs regarding conflict and problem solvingBeliefs regarding decision makingBeliefs regarding his/hers roles

Warning Signs of Toxic Thinking(Bernstein, J.- 2004, p. 31)IF YOU DO THESE YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE HIS/HER THINKING.

1. Often end up arguing about something other than the original problem or issue

2. Cant remember why the argument started

3. Label the other partner negatively (critical adjectives, negative personality descriptions)

4. Feel like you cant make the other partner understand how you feel

5. Say things you later regret

6. Apologize for saying something mean to your partner even though you still believe it is true

7. Use words like always, never, and should when referring to your partner

Warning Signs of Toxic Thinking(Bernstein, J.- 2004, p. 31)8. Bring up past issues or arguments- even ones you thought were resolved- in a hostile way during current arguments

9. Have declared certain topics off limits to your partner during disagreements and wont let your partner talk about what he or she needs to resolve- its all about your comfort only

10. Exaggerate or accuse others of exaggerating problems

11. Use bad argument behavior: scream, yell, threaten, blame, name call, go in the other room and lock your spouse out

13. Misperceptions: thinking it is always your spouse who pushes your buttons when you really start the arguments

14. Dont have the skills to discuss and communicate well or problem solve so you avoid talking about problems - this actually escalates things and makes the other feel he/she is not valuable and what they need does not matterThought StoppingTell self to slow down.Stop, (name), stop.Make it a habit to pause- living in maybe/wait rather than just yes and no immediately.

Identifying The Thought PatternsConsider the following scenarios and note the irrational or distorted thoughts or areas in which thoughts have thinking errors in them that may be contributing to relationship problems.Thought ErrorsMy friend is quiet today. I know it is just a matter of time before she leaves like everyone else in my life.

I never had any good interaction with one of those people. They are slow, mindless, and just want to tell stories. They do not do anything useful in their lives.Thought ErrorsIt feels like everyones eyes are on me. I know they all think I am a loser. I see the way they look at me.

The only reason they were kind to me is because I am the new person in the neighborhood. They really think that I am the strange out of town person who does not fit in.Thought ErrorsI must be the worst mother in the world because my son got a D on his test.I am the ugliest creature created. Look at my face. It is uneven. My head looks like an egg. I have too many pimples. And I am so red that I look like sunburnt year round.Thought ErrorsNothing good ever happens to me, At every bend there are only negative things. I know that things will not turn out well at my job interview.I must be good, strong, perfect to be happy with myself in life.I have to drive this old clunker and wear thrift store clothes. People really must think I am a poor loser. I know when they see me in their neighborhood they will look down on me.Thought ErrorsThere is nothing at all good about me. I just made a mistake on my test. As hard as I try how could I do that? Other people make mistakes but not me.Some of the people in class dont like me. It is awful, unbearable. I should not even try to show my face in school. It is miserable if people do not like you. Everyone should think you are the nice, good, fun, popular girl out there or there is not use.Challenging Attributions 1) Am I ascribing something like This situation happened because ______?

2) Am I making a judgment about another persons personality because of this event? What am I telling myself about what this means? (Because this happened, it means--- e.g he/she doesnt love me/we are getting a divorce/we should have never gotten married)Challenging Attributions3) Am I using adjectives to describe the other persons personality, intentions rather than simply describing the behavior? (e.g. You are always so lazy. You never care about our house. versus I am concerned about the amount of cleaning we still have to do. I realize we have busy tiring jobs but I am wondering how we plan to get the dishes done and get our things set up for tomorrow plus help the kids to finish their homework. How do we plan to get to divide these things up- any ideas?)

4) Is the way Im thinking about this definitely 100% a fact?

5) Is there any other way of looking at the situation? Come up with at least three exceptions.

6) Have I assumed that because something is (perceive by me to be) such and such way that I am powerless over it? Attributions Checking Exercise:1) Every time I need something done around here it seems my spouse has something better to do. He/she would just rather do anything but spend time with me.

2) My spouse and I had planned to have a romantic evening together. Now he/she is 45 minutes late getting here and I have not gotten a phone call yet. I am sure he/she is up to no good. I knew I was not the priority anyway.

3) My spouse cant stand to be around me. As soon as he/she gets home it is time to hop on the computer. Video games and internet are all he/she cares about.

Attributions Checking Exercise:4) My husband sees the laundry on the stairs and walks right over it. I know he thinks it is all my job. He doesnt want to help me with anything.

5) My wife knows I had that big meeting today and when I got home the food wasnt even ready and the kids were frantic. She doesnt respect me at all and all my hard work. Watch Video on CEU Videos on Website: www.rolpc.orgInterpersonal Relationships: Adults and Marriage

about how to do attributions checkingExercise: Your Marital ATM(Smith, R.L, 2006, p.128)Think about the past week. List five credits you put into your marital ATM. (For example, you cooked dinner three times and took your mother-in-law shopping without complaining).1.2.3.45.List five debits you took out of your marital ATM. (For example, you talked about your work problems for an hour, or you slept in while your partner fixed breakfast).1.2.3.4.5.

TASKDESCRIPTIONPOINTS WHYHow do you decide the worth or value of tasks?How do you decide who does which tasks?Is there any meaning you have assigned to doing or not doing a task?

Communication ConcernsOrathinal, J. & Vansteenswegen, A., 2006Attention/Listening (being the most important person in your partners life) Versus Privacy (withdrawing, staying in own world by self, distancing for individual hobbies and interests)Personal space Versus IntrusionDiscrepancies regarding what physical appearance looks goodDifferences of opinions about roles

Territorial Method of CounselingOrathinal, J. & Vansteenswegen, A., 2006Who owns the task?What executes the task?What can I do to get you to assist me or to change your task on ___ day?Who loses what if the other usurps the task?What does each consider his or her needs in the task?What weapons does each use to try and make the other do/avoid certain tasks?

Expressing FeelingsBoth children and adults who express feelings:More likeableMore intelligentPersonable and friendlyBetter social developmentInvolves how to express, when to express, and expressing in balanced waysExpression with dignity and restraint (e.g. anger mgmt.)

Understanding All My FeelingsFeelingHow My Body FeelsThoughts and BehaviorsSadTense, drained, tired, exhausted, bored, discouragedFrown, muscles paining, tears in eyes, isolate myself, I dont care about anything.HappyAngryAnxiousI MessagesI feel ______________ when/because ___________________ and in the future I want ________________ .

Using Your WordsYOU MESSAGESI MESSAGESBlameNo blameThreatenUnderstandingDivide each personsHurt point of view Focus on the PastFocus on Solutions Use Absolute termsEach person takes responsibility for his/her part I feel _________ when /because ______ and in the future Id like __________ to happen.Changing You Messages toI MessagesYou Message I Message

You never let me share myopinions. You always do thingsyour way. Thats all that matters.

I am sure you think I justwasted my day sitting on myhind end doing nothing.

You need to control youremotions. You are too out ofhand.

Changing You Messages to I MessagesWe will never be able to get thisdone now after what you did.

I thought we were supposed tobe a team but apparently notaccording to you.

Ill never be your priority. Allyour buddies will always be moreimportant to you than I will be. Exercises: I MessagesWhat went well? What do you hope to continue?

1) You are usually hesitant to share your own feelings on things but this time you approached your family and you felt acknowledged.

2) You saved up money for one year to be able to put a down payment on a car. People never thought you could do it because you are usually an impulsive spender.Exercises: I Messages3) You have kept so busy that you generally have not eaten healthy in the past. Now with the partnership of a close friend you have both gotten on a healthy eating and exercise regimen and feel better about yourself.

4) You never really learned healthy interactions between adults in your family of origin because dad was an alcoholic and mom was codependent. After some of your own counseling you have been able to develop prosocial skills to the point that now after some years single you are happily married with good open communication.Listening to the Speaker(Perspective Taking)1. Experiences- what is happening

2. Behaviors- what he or she is doingor not doing

3. Feelings/Emotions- expressed or implied

4. Thoughts and Beliefs- internal cognitions and perceptions

Exercise: The Wise Men and the Elephant Read the story.

Discuss how limiting things to our own perspective can hinder us from seeing what we need to see in a situation.

Explore how incorporating many perspectives may help give a fuller picture of things?

Generalize: how can this be used with situations in the clients life?THE COMMUNICATION GAME1) So are you feel _________ ?2) Are you feeling ________ because ___________ ?3) In the future you would like ________ to happen?

Get three yeses before moving on.The Communication GameHelps to correct false assumptions.Demonstrates to that the other is worthy of being respected and heard.Immediate HonestSupportiveSpecificEmpathy: Putting Yourself In Someones ShoesWhen someone tells you of an event listen to their experience, feels, thoughts, and what they wish happened.What did they hope for? What actually happened?What do they want from here?

Exercise: Putting Yourself In Someone Elses ShoesYour good friend has told you about her aunt dying. She cant imagine life without her since she raised her when her own bio. parents abandoned her.

Your buddy from work has been through so much. His house caught on fire, his money was stolen, and the company you both worked for shut down so he is without a job.Empathy: Putting Yourself In Someones ShoesYour friend had been dating someone for nearly ten years. She was sure he was the one. Then he suddenly broke up with her and she does not know what to do.

Variation of Communication ExerciseParr, P., Boyle, R. A., & Tejada, E.L.(2008). Sitting back to back without distraction of nonverbalsWith each having a notepad listening for what words are important and emotionally laden to other.Ability to draw what the other is sayingMixed FeelingsUsually feelings are not just pleasant or unpleasant.It is realistic in life to have co-occurring differing types of feelings.

Examples: Mixed FeelingsYou just gave birth to a new baby after waiting for so long to get pregnant but the baby has developmental delays.

You have finally found someone who you would consider your very best friend. She told you that in one month she and her husband will be moving overseas for his job.Empathy with Behavior ChangeStart with I message about the perceived event and your feelingsShare your goals.Ask a request. Find out what the other would be willing to do.

Example: I feel confused when you started sharing a story about your work day and then you changed topics. Id like to understand what happened at work today. Would you be willing to repeat yourself? Could we talk about the next topic after we finish talking about school?Empathy with Behavior ChangeI do not agree with your perception of that event but I am willing to hear how you came to that conclusion. Can we review the incident please?

I am worried about you drinking alone with the neighbor woman and telling her about our problems. I think that can create a situation which makes it more likely for an affair to happen again.______________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am concerned when time passes and I do not get a phone call about where you are. I dont know what is happening then. __________________________________________________________________________________________________Attending, Focusing & ListeningSkill DevelopmentSelf evaluation (ongoing self awareness and management)

Awareness of nonverbals (sitting in seat, direction of body, movement)

Reminding self what am I supposed to be doing?

When helpful use a concrete cue to signify who is the speaker (e.g. object)

Listening Assessment1. Do you ignore people when they say something you do not want to hear?

2.Do you concentrate more on the speakers appearance, mannerisms, or accent rather than the content of what they are saying?

3. Do you assume you already know what they are going to say before they say it?

4. Do you shut off listening when you disagree with someone?

5. Do you only listen for facts instead of getting the big picture and the whole idea?

6. Do you look around and pay attention to many things around you when someone is talking?Listening Assessment7. Do you just listen and not take notes or find later that you dont have much written down about what was said?

8. Do you hear outside noises that distract you from the speaker?

9. Do you take each situation as something new rather than trying to connect things to what you already know?

10. Do you only do homework only when it is assigned instead of reviewing something and keeping up each day?

11.Do you close your mind off to any new ideas that differ from your own?

12. Do you slouch, fidget, or find it hard to look at and pay attention to the speaker?

Listening Assessment13. Do you sit in the back or sides where it is easier to get distracted instead of choosing a front or center seat to pay attention?

14. Do you have trouble knowing how and when to ask questions?

15. Do you sometimes just stay quiet and not ask anything even when you really need help?

Ways To Improve ListeningPractice listening and attending skills even when you think you can guess ahead what is going to be said.

Focus on the message, not details like the persons looks, voice, and accent.

Learn how to hear differing points of view and to take perspectives.

Use techniques to aid memory like note taking, peg words, visualization, drawings, and linking things together.

Frequently ask yourself, what am I supposed to be doing?Ways To Improve ListeningBe prepared to listen by reviewing ahead/daily.

Choose seating and positioning that will minimize distractions.

Have a way to record your thoughts and emotions on paper as the other is speaking so you do not interrupt.

Dont assume you know anything. Use empathy and paraphrasing skills to check in.

Practice listening It does not come naturally.

Nonverbal Listening93 % or more of the messageBody languageEye contact- attentive without staringGesturesPostureFacial expressionsTone of voiceVideos: Improving CommunicationWatch Interpersonal Relationships: Child and ParentsWatch Interpersonal Relationships: EmployersWatch Interpersonal Relationships: Women

To see examples of how I Messages, empathy, paraphrasing and clarification can be used to improve communication (on website: www.rolpc.org)Suggestions for communication with men:1. Start with the end result.

2. State the role expectation:SupportListeningEncouragementUnderstandingAgreementProblem solving (operationalize)

3. Fill in the details.Ten Commandments of Clean CommunicationAvoid judgmental words.Avoid global labels.Avoid you messages of blame and accusation.Avoid old history.Avoid negative comparisons.Avoid threats.Describe your feelings rather than attack with them.Keep body language open and receptive.Love LanguagesChapman, G., 1992Words of Affirmationthe more you receive, the easier it is to giveeven if most of the time it feels like things are not gong well, find something to complimentremember that tone and nonverbals either give support and affirmation for or against the message

Quality Time- undivided attentionturning off all distractions including TV, cell phones, etc.define togethernesswithout interruption and with attendance to feelings

Love LanguagesChapman, G., 19923. Gift Giving

4. Acts of Servicedoing things your spouse would like you to dobeing eager to helprequesting, not demandingphrased as options

5. Physical Touchshows I need you and I want you.Love LanguagesGo to www.rolpc.org. Watch the video example on love languages.Cognitive ReframingInstead of if he/she would.

Use:If I could just get a grip on _____ then wed finally be happy.Watch where you put your BUTs:__________ BUT __________. Telling Yourself The Whole TruthUsing the toxic though scenarios change statements to more balanced responses which tell the whole rational, realistic truth.Apply the technique:I feel/think _____________ BUT ________________.Telling Yourself The Whole TruthMy friend is quiet today. I know it is just a matter of time before she leaves like everyone else in my life.

I never had any good interaction with one of those people. They are slow, mindless, and just want to tell stories. They do not do anything useful in their lives.

Telling Yourself The Whole TruthIt feels like everyones eyes are on me. I know they all think I am a loser. I see the way they look at me.

The only reason they were kind to me is because I am the new person in the neighborhood. They really think that I am the strange out of town person who does not fit in.

Telling Yourself The Whole TruthI must be the worst mother in the world because my son got a D on his test.I am the ugliest creature created. Look at my face. It is uneven. My head looks like an egg. I have too many pimples. And I am so red that I look like sunburnt year round.

Telling Yourself The Whole TruthNothing good ever happens to me, At every bend there are only negative things. I know that things will not turn out well at my job interview.I must be good, strong, perfect to be happy with myself in life.I have to drive this old clunker and wear thrift store clothes. People really must think I am a poor loser. I know when they see me in their neighborhood they will look down on me.

Telling Yourself The Whole TruthThere is nothing at all good about me. I just made a mistake on my test. As hard as I try how could I do that? Other people make mistakes but not me.Some of the people in class dont like me. It is awful, unbearable. I should not even try to show my face in school. It is miserable if people do not like you. Everyone should think you are the nice, good, fun, popular girl out there or there is no use.

Cultivating A Sense of OnenessDream together:

I have always wanted ______.When I was a child I thought of _____.If we had the time or money I would love for us to _____.Helps practice empathy on the part of the listenerHelps refocus on development of united goalsRedefines things in concrete, behavioral termsCan be used well with solution focused counselingCultivating A Sense of OnenessSteps:1. Person #1 shares about a dream while the other listens and empathizes.2. Person #2 shows interest in the dream by asking questions such a the following. (do NOT get into the feasibility of the dream):(see Gottman, p.145):

What is important to your about this dream?What is the most important part?Is there a story behind this for you? Tell me that story.Is there something from your life history that relates to that story?Tell me all the feelings that you have about that dream.Are there any feelings you left out? What do you wish for here?Cultivating A Sense of OnenessWhat would be your ideal dream here?How do you imagine things would be if you got what you wanted?Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?Does this relate to some belief or value for you?Do you have some fear about not having this dream honored? Do you imagine some disaster?3. The couple plan some small step or goal toward the dream. Setting Behavioral GoalsConcreteSpecificManageableAchievableWith accountability for follow through

Making Behavior RequestsTalk only from own point of view.Describe desired behavior.Ask if spouse is willing to do request.Define: timeframe, how measured, frequency, etc.

Exercise: Behavioral RequestsHow can you improve the following to be more effective?

1) The dishes and household chores are never done around here. This apartment looks like pig sty!!!

2) We just dont do things together. It is like we are from two different worlds anymore.Exercise: Behavioral Requests3) At least John and Mary make time for dates between their schedules. What do we have for us anymore?

4) (Looking at pictures) I remember when we used to be able to talk about anything.

5) Cathy is over here all the time. She just doesnt have a life of her own.Video: Behavior RequestsNotice how the communication improves if behavior requests are made reasonably, specifically, and with willingness to adapt if need be.Watch: Making Behavior Requests video for this seminar on www.rolpc.orgExercise: Making Pleasers ListWhat Pleases Your Partner- ObserveConsiderate actsCommunication exchangesChild careFinancial decisionsIntimacy, touchingLeisure activitiesHelping with household choresEmploymentHugsComplimentsListening to Opinions: Rather than giving adviceWhat Pleases Your Partner- Observe

Considerate actsCommunication exchangesChild careFinancial decisionsIntimacy, touchingLeisure activitiesHelping with household choresEmploymentHugsComplimentsListening to Opinions: Rather than giving adviceWhat Pleases Your Partner- ObserveRate each: 1-3 of importance and give to your spouse.Spouse: dont include anything on the list you are not willing to do.Focus on behaviors instead of attitudes.Develop a contract about what each is willing to do.Make statements of verbal commitment to your spouse.Nonverbal Communication BuilderGoal: getting used to being with each otherFace each other, stare into each others eyes Use graduated steps (30 secs., 1 minute, etc).Learn to become comfortable around your spouse.Learn to look deep into the other rather than getting distracted by issues that may be superficial or distract from the heart of thingsBuilding Emotional ClosenessAct like you are having an affair with your spouse.Plan the getaway.Be creative.Pretend you are on a first special date.Pretend you are making love for the first time.Make cute, loving, seductive, faces at each other,Develop your own romantic language.Write loving or even spicy letters to your spouse.Be aware of what clothing, hairstyles, mannerisms attract your spouse and do more of that.Conflict Management & Problem SolvingAssertiveness versus aggression or passivityConfronting behaviors

Aggressive response: Your meetings are always more important than me! Youll never care about me or make me a priority!Passive response: okay dear. Have a good day.Assertive response: Im sure Ill cope but in the future Id like for you to arrange to give me at least one week advance notice if possible.

Learning Healthy AssertivenessExamples:#1I have a meeting tonight so dont have one of your stupid attitudes and mess things up.

Aggressive response: Your meetings are always more important than me! Youll never care about me or make me a priority!Passive response: okay dear. Have a good day.Assertive response: Im sure Ill cope but in the future Id like for you to arrange to give me at least one week advance notice if possible.

Learning Healthy Assertiveness#2Your mother just interferes with everything and messes it up. She better not be here when I get back!

Aggressive response: At least she talks to me more than you ever do!Passive response: Well you know how she is.Assertive response: I know it is annoying to you when she is here, especially when we lose track of time. Perhaps you could give me some signals to let me know when you are about to come home so I can wind up.

Learning Healthy Assertiveness#3You dont do anything around the house!

Aggressive response: If you cant appreciate what I do then just leave. Someone else will appreciate me.Passive response: Well Ill get to it soon.Assertive response: It may be frustrating seeing things more messy here than wed like. Ive had such a busy day. If you dont mind we can talk later and decide how we can get things accomplished.Alternative Self StatementsI can take a deep breath.I have a choice here. I will do _________________.I am not responsible for other peoples behavior. I can remain mature even when the other person keeps it up by doing ____________________.Instead of staying in the situation I can go _______________________.I dont have to keep quiet about what they have done to me. I can talk to _________ about it.I can choose alternative activities. There are many things I like to do. I am not stuck . Now I will do _______________.Eight Aversive StrategiesIn Terms Of Anger ReactionsDiscounting- shaming people into agreeing with you

Withdrawal/abandonment- Do what I want or Im leaving., giving the emotional deep freeze

Threats- a partner actively hurts the other to control them

Blaming- stating that all problems are the other persons issues

Belittling/denigrating- using fear or shame to manipulate the other into doing something

Guilt tripping- blaming other for the responsibility of contributing to problems

Derailing- switching the conversational focus as a means of controlling things

Taking away- withdrawing pleasure, time, attention, environment, affection, etc.

Timing1. Take a break when communication goes beyond a certain amount of time without empathy and progression toward understanding and support.

2. During the break each person should write I Messages describing how he or she feelings, his. Or her perception of the incident, and verbalizing expectations for the future.

3. In the meantime while waiting for the time frame to elapse spend time focusing on something relaxing and incongruent with building resentment.

4. Learn to start up your conversation in a soft way or pause until you are able to use the I Messages in a calm tone of voice.

5. Accept your partners responses as well.

6. Make a behavior request for what you need. Phrase these as questions and options. Be willing to negotiate for an in between step if necessary.

7. Express appreciation throughout to your spouse for hearing attending and listening to (even if not agreeing with) you. Rules For Time OutsNo final words.Leave immediately.Set a time to come back together.Dont use drugs or alcohol.Dont rehearse what to say next. Do an alternative behavior instead.Check in with each other when you get back.Plan ahead for problem times. Video Clip: TimingWatch video clip Timing in Relationships for this seminar on www.rolpc.orgFighting FairConsider your relationship a long - term commitment not to be discarded because of one disagreement, no matter how serious it may be.Agree always to listen to each others feelings, even if you consider those feelings inappropriateCommit your selves to both honesty and acceptanceDetermine to attempt to care for each other unconditionally with partner assuming 100 percent of the responsibility for resolving conflict(a 50/50 concept seldom works)Consider all the factors in a conflict before bringing up the conflict to your partner

Fighting FairLimit the conflict to the here and now never bring up past failures since all past failures should already have been forgivenEliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:You never or you alwaysI cant (always substitute Wont)Ill try (usually this means Ill make a half hearted effort but wont quite succeed)You should or you shouldnt (these are parent to child statements)Limit the discussion to one issue that is the center of conflict.Focus on that issue rather than attacking each other(personhood).

Fighting FairOffer your partner some time to think about the conflict before discussing it(but never put it off overnight).Each partner should use I feel messages expressing a response to whatever words or behavior aroused the conflict. For example, I feel angry towards you for coming home late without calling me first is an adult message that is appropriate between spouses whereas you should always call me when youre going to be late for supper is apparent to child message. Such an order causes the mate to be come defensive.Never say anything derogatory about your partners personality. Proverbs 11:12 tells us, to quarrel with a neighbour is foolish; a man with good sense holds his tongue.Even though your partner wont always be right consider him or her an instrument of God working in your life.

Fighting FairNever counter attack, even if your partner does not follow these guidelines.

Dont tell your partner why you think he or she does whatever it is(unless you are asked). Rather, stick to how you feel about what is done

Dont try to read your partners mind. If you are not sure what was meant by something said ask for clarification

Be honest about your true emotions but keep them under control. Proverbs 15:18 reminds us, a quick tempered man starts fights a cool tempered man tries to stop them.

Remember that the resolution of the conflict is what important, not who wins or loses is. If the conflict is resolved, you both win. Youre on the same team, not opposing, competing teams.

Agree with each other on what topics are out of bounds because they are too hurtful or have already been discussed (bad habits, continued obesity, time consuming hobbies and so on).

Pray about each conflict before discussing it with your partner.Solution-Focused Relationships

Ideas of How To Be Positive In The Midst of Concerns

Compliment what has gone well.Speak about what has made a positive difference for you.Talk about specifically what behaviors, attitudes, actions are effectiveMake regular time for reminiscing about what goes right.Solution Focused ApproachesHave part of your regular discussion focus on what is going well.Create plans for how to keep those things going well.

Solution Focused ApproachesExercises: My husband/wife is stubborn and selfish.I am encouraged that I am married to a person who knows what he believes in.My spouse is a lazy bum who just wants tofly by the seat of his/her pants. He/she neverprepares for anything.

My friend is boring and dull and never lets ushave fun because the are so frugal.

My coworker is so planned and uptight abouteverything.

My classmate just has unrealistic expectations.They think things will turn out right if you just wait and trust.Video Clip: Solution Focused CouplesNotice how the adults focus on what has gone well in spite of problem areas. They build on strengths rather than magnify weaknesses.Watch Solution Focused Marriage Counseling for this seminar on www.rolpc.orgAccepting DifferencesBeing tolerant of people who are not exactly like usShowing respect for different ways of doing thingsAllowing many means to an endExercise: Accepting Differences1) Organization is very important to you. You like making sure that things are put up and in their place right after they are used. But your roommate says she just wants some days to relax and then spends certain days really cleaning and organizing. That is hard for you because to you it feels like some things are always left undone.Exercise: Accepting Differences2) When you talk to your spouse you like to reveal the details of things but your spouse doesnt want to take much time and just wants to highlight the main points.

3) At your fast food job one of the supervisors is very particular about how the burgers are placed on the grill but the other ones are flexible about what system you use as long as cleanliness and professional standards of some sort are followed. You have to work with different supervisors different days.Exercise: Accepting Differences4) Your style is for someone to let you know what they need done and then to trust you to do it but your boss seems to have her eyes on your every move. She watches you like a hawk while you work.

Prioritizing Your Relationship1.Security-the knowledge of permanence in the relationship and of financial and material well-being

2. Companionship- having a friend who goes through the joys and sorrows of life with you, a soul partner that has common areas of interest

Sex- the oneness that comes through physical intimacy in marriage, the initiation and enjoyment of a growing physical relationship

4. Understanding and tenderness- experiencing regularly the touch, the kiss, the wink across the room that says, I love you, I care, Im thinking of you

5. Encouragement-having someone verbally support and appreciate your work and effort in your profession in your home, with the children, and so on.

6. Intellectual closeness- discussing and growing together in common areas of intellectual thought

7. Mutual activity-Doing things together in politics, sports, church work,hobbies,etc

Hope Focused CounselingRemembering what workedBuilding on strengthsCausing couple to daydream again- we/usLooking at areas of growth areas as a strength rather than a weaknessLOVE acrostic as a way of resolving conflicts: (L = listen and reflect; O = observe your effects; V = value your mate; E = evaluate both partners' interestsHope Focused CounselingTeaching them to TANGO (communication skills): take turns in talking, understand how they affect each other, and listen to each other. TAN: T = Tell what happened clearly and briefly, A = describe how the situation Affected you, N = give a Nurturing statement.Then the listener responds with the GO: G= did I Get it? Reflect back what they heard, and O = Observe the effects of the conversation and comment on them.

Key Questions Couples Need AnsweredJohnson, S., M. (2007)Are you there for me when I need you? Do you care?Will you respond when I need it , not when you choose to respond?Can I be safe, secure, myself around you?Can I trust you?Are you dependable and reliable?Do I believe that at the core you care about my interest?What really matters?Are you accessible to me?Key Questions Couples Need AnsweredJohnson, S., M. (2007)Do I fear unpredictability?Do I get signals that the other may not be there for me if I bring up certain topics or needs?

Goal of Therapy: Create new bonding momentsHandling ChangeChange can be prepared forTwo categories: what I can and cant control

What I wished What I cant controlWhat I can do

Exercises: Handling ChangeSituationWhat I cant controlWhat I can doDealing With Something I Cant HaveSAY I would like to have _____ but I cant have it right now.

THINK about other choices:Ask again later.Find something else to do.Ask to borrow it.Ask to share it.Ask to do things to earn one.Wait your turn.Accept that you are not allowed with a good attitude.

The Relationship PyramidBibliographyCook, J.M., & Poulsen, S.S. (2011). Utilizing photographs with the genogram: A technique for enhancing couple therapy. Journal of Systemic Therapies, 30(1), 14-23. Hoang, L. (2005). 'I thought we came for therapy!':Autobiography sessions in couple work. ANZJFT, 26 (2), 65-72. Johnson, S., M. (2007). A new era for couple therapy: Theory, research, practice in concert. Journal of Systemic Therapies, 26( 4), 516.Madden, M. (2005). Five useful questions in couples therapy. ANZJFT , 26 (2), 61-64. Parr, P., Boyle, R. A., & Tejada, E.L.(2008). I said, you said: A communication exercise for couples. Contemporary Family Therapy, 30, 167173.Rosenberger, E. W. (September- October 2011). . Where I end and you begin: The role of boundaries in college student relationships. In About Campus.Worthington, Jr, E.L., . Ripley, J. S., Hook, J. N., & Miller, A., J. (2007). The hope-focused approach to couple therapy and enrichment. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 26 (2), 132-139.