grapevine, issue 4 2009

ISSUE 4 2009

NEW ZEA LAND’S OWN FAMI LY MAGAZINE delivered free to 160,000 homes all over the country … (see p.2 & 3)

• Jim Hickey: weather man • glacier-hunting in Alaska• the pc way to poach an egg• love in the outdoors

Survivingthe

Recession-busting tipsplus ...“YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE ME, WILL YOU NANA?”(when grandparents raise their grandkids)

squeeze

One million unlucky homes are missing out on Grapevine And they’re not just numbers. They’re families with problems … couples with tensions … parents tearing their hair out.

They’re people, just like you and me, going through the whole range of experiences that Grapevine writes about: marriage conflicts, spirited kids, erupting teenagers, self-doubt, substance abuse, loneliness, ageing, depression, grief, you-name-it.

Grapevine is currently delivered FREE (four times a year) to 160,000 lucky Kiwi homes. And yours might be one of them.

But one million UNLUCKY homes are still missing out on the valuable insights that Grapevine shares …

… because sponsors for those homes/towns/regions have not yet been found.

GO TO WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ ... PHONE 0800-GRAPEVINE (0800-47-27-38)

Giving them Grapevine is as easy as 1-2-3If you want to help make New Zealand a healthier, happier, safer place for your kids and grandkids to grow up in …

If you want to do something nice for your neighbours, another street/suburb/town, the staff at your school/pre-school, the people you work with, play with, go to church with, meet regularly …become a GRAPEVINE SPONSOR now!

Sponsor $15-a-month (minimum) and 1. we’ll put Grapevine into 30 homes in the street/suburb you request … or send a bundle to your home, school, kindy, church, office, club, wherever-you-want.The more $$ you sponsor, the more 2. Grapevines we’ll deliver each quarter: e.g. – $25 per month sponsors 60 copies – $50 per month sponsors 120 copies.And we’ll send YOU a copy each time.3.

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4 Grapevine – iSSUe 4/2009

Money, money, money! If we’re not earning it, we’re spending it, or agonising over how to pay the bills! And our kids wonder why we can’t just put everything they need on Visa. Sylvia Bowden tells us how to train children to handle their finances well …

Recession. Slowdown. Job losses. Cutbacks. We’re all affected, one way or another. And we can all use some recession-busting ideas. Which is why we turned to Wendyl Nissen for a bunch of handy tips on how to save money and time and still be gorgeous …

cont

ents

20 Surviving The Squeeze #2: Stop Your Kids Going Broke

14 Surviving The Squeeze #1: Domestic Goddess On A Budget

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20 Surviving The Squeeze #2: Stop Your Kids Going Broke

14 Surviving The Squeeze #1: Domestic Goddess On A Budget

grapevine for your street or school ..... 2pick of the Bunch ........................... 6you ain’t gonna Believe this .............10From Where I Sit ............................11Sherman’s lagoon ..........................13 Scrubcutters ..........................24 & 57grapepuzzles ...............................25home-Sweet-home .........................32adventures in time ........................33Stillpoint ....................................46going places: alaska ......................58Families Unlimited ..........................62

Managing Editor:John Cooneyassociate Editor:Paul Freedmanpromotions Manager:Frances Coventrydistribution Manager:Brent Curtisprojects Manager:Mike Cooneydesign: URBAN_i: Craig Haythornthwaite print: PMP Printdelivery: PMP DistributionWebsite:www.grapevine.org.nz

Published by Grapevine Communications Society Ltd. All correspondence to Private Bag 92124, Victoria Street West, Auckland 1142, New Zealand. Phone: 09 813 4956 Fax: 09 813 4957 Email: [email protected]

our mission:To promote stable, loving relationships ... to tackle family hurts and headaches in a positive, helpful way ... to inject fun, hope and wholeness into homes all over the country.

Sponsor grapevine:Make sure your home and/or your street don’t miss out. See page 2 & 3.

Copyright:The entire contents of this issue are copyright © December 2009. Permission to reprint must be obtained in advance.

Plenty of Kiwi grandparents help out with their grandkids. But some grandparents end up being the primary care-givers – fully responsible for that grandchild’s care, clothes, food, education, housing, welfare … the works. We asked five of them how on earth do they cope?

36 You’ll Never Leave Me, Will You Nana?

26 Love In The Outdoors

Our TV1 weatherman, fly-yourself pilot and passionate family guy talks about who he admires the most, and why …

published four times a year to give new Zealand families a lift – 100% independent, community-based, not-for-profit.

pLUs!

There’s nothing like a little romance-in-the-hills to spice up your marriage. So I suggested we should go bush for a couple of days: no kids, no electricity, and hopefully no people …

54 Jim Hickey: Take 10

Thai-Style Beef Salad 0


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5. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re a girl.

6. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Lady if you’re a man – even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body.

HEAR ABOUT …… the burglar who fell and broke his leg in wet cement? He became a hardened criminal.

CRIME’N’PUNISHMENTNext time you’re fuming over an instant fine, take the time to reflect that things

SIX RULES FOR CHOOSING A SUPERHERO NAME1. Choose a name that suggests cour-

age, power and strength: e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr Invincible, Justiceman.

2. Don’t be too modest: e.g. Mr Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredi-bleman.

3. But don’t labour the point: e.g. Mr So-Powerful-Don’t-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

4. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re not.

BELIEVABLE HEROES & INSTANT FINES

iSSUe 4/2009 – Grapevine 7

CHUCK NORRIS FACT #1:Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

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could be worse. For instance? Well, the penalty for insulting the King’s bard in ancient, merry(?) England was six cows and eightpence!

Much worse, though, was to be con-victed of picking a branch from a sacred tree in ancient Scandinavia. For this, you got your navel cut out. The navel was nailed to the tree, and you were made to run round the tree until your intestines had fully unwound.

Now that’s an instant fine with guts!

AMAZING ANAGRAMS!Check out what happens when you rear-range the letters of the following words …• PRESBYTERIANbecomes

BEST IN PRAYER• ASTRONOMERbecomes

MOON STARER• THEEYESbecomesTHEY SEE• THEMORSECODEbecomes

HERE COME DOTS• DORMITORYbecomes

DIRTY ROOM• ELECTIONRESULTSbecomes

LIES – LET’S RECOUNT• SNOOZEALARMSbecomes

ALAS! NO MORE Z’S• ADECIMALPOINTbecomes

I’M A DOT IN PLACE• ELEVENPLUSTWObecomes

TWELVE PLUS ONE and for the grand finale …

• MOTHER-IN-LAWbecomesWOMAN HITLER!

TOP SEVEN QUESTIONS MOST OFTEN ASKED AT A $2 SHOP:7. “How much is this?”6. “So let me get this straight – every-

thing here is two dollars?” 5. “Is this necklace real gold?”4. “Do you have anything nicer for three

dollars?”3. “How much is this ‘Best of Prince Tui

Teka’ CD?”2. “Didn’t this used to be an Op Shop?”1. “Do you have change?”

HEAR ABOUT …… the dead batteries that were given out free of charge?

AGEING DISGRACEFULLY …Have you ever been guilty of meeting others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look THAT old!” Yes? Well, you’ll love this personal confession …

My name is Alice and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, showing his full name, and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who’d been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could this be the same guy I was secretly in love with, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly dis-carded any such thought. This gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he’d attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes, yes, I most certainly did!” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.


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CHUCK NORRIS FACT #3:Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

5. Don’t call yourself by someone else’s real name: e.g. Captain Brad Pitt, Mr Stevie Wonder.

6. Don’t call yourself Captain Invinci-ble if your only power is control over Mars Bars and you suffer from a con-genital heart condition. It’s just asking for trouble.

PERFECT LANDING: Sixty-five-year-old Noel Atkins, mayor of Worthing, West Sussex, was afraid of heights – so it took a big heart and a lot of guts to do a parachute jump for charity. He told reporters later that, as the plane steadily climbed through the sky, he sat in the doorway thinking, “How on earth did I get myself into this?” He also lamented his choice of lunch … a greasy bacon sandwich.

But when the time came, Mayor Atkins took the plunge and jumped.

“It was a very comfy, soft landing” he confessed afterwards, “into the biggest cowpat you can imagine!”

PICK-UP LINE FOR SENIORS:A well-put-together older gentleman left his Maserati Gran Turismo with the valet, entered the nightclub, and asked to be seated a table away from a lovely, well-dressed older woman.

He ordered a drink and took a sip. He then calmly turned his head in her direction, nodded politely as their eyes met, and asked, “So tell me, sweetheart – do I come here often?”

CHUCK NORRIS FACT #2:Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

He answered, “1975. Why do you ask?”“I think you were in my class!” I

exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that

ugly, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, old fart asked, “What did you teach?”

ENGLISH IS CRAZY #1Five good reasons why English is so hard to learn:1. We must polish the Polish furniture.2. The farm was used to produce

produce.3. The dump was so full that it had to

refuse more refuse.4. The soldier decided to desert in the

desert.5. This was a good time to present the

present.

SIX MORE RULES FOR CHOOSING A SUPERHERO NAME1. Don’t call yourself The Green Avenger

if you wear an orange costume. You’ll just confuse people.

2. Don’t give away important informa-tion in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium-90.

3. Don’t choose a name detrimental to your crime-fighting image: e.g. Captain Spongecake, Yellow Streak, Mr Stupid, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil.

4. Don’t call yourself by your real name: e.g. Ms Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Allan Smith.


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GOOD LOOKING HORSE?A man was passing a farm one day when he saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: “I think your horse looks pretty good. I’ll give you $500 for him.”

“He doesn’t look good, and he’s not for sale,” the farmer said.

The man insisted, “I think he looks good – and I’ll up the price to $1000!”

“He doesn’t look so good,” the farmer said. “But if you want him that much, he’s yours.”

Next day the man came back raging mad. “You cheated me!” he screamed at the farmer. “You sold me a blind horse!”

The farmer calmly replied, “I told you he didn’t look so good, didn’t I?”

HEAR ABOUT …... the unemployed actor who got a job with a demolition company? He brought down the house.

ENGLISH IS CRAZY #2Five more reasons why English is so hard to learn:1. When shot at, the dove dove

into the bushes.

2. I did not object to the object.3. He could lead if he would get

the lead out.4. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.5. The bandage was wound around

the wound.

HEAR ABOUT …… the clock that was hungry and went back four seconds?

TECHNO-SAVVYI’ve been uplinked and downloaded. I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing.I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech lowlife. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bicoastal multi-tasker.And I can give you a gigabite in a nanosecond …(gEoRgE CaRlIn – Stand-Up CoMIC)

CHUCK NORRIS FACT #4:Outer space exists because it’s too scared to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.


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• some worms will eat themselves if they can’t find any food.

• Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

• slugs have four noses.

• The little lump of flesh just forward of your ear canal, right next to your temple, is called a tragus.

• A giraffe can clean its ears with its 50cm tongue

• The linen bandages that were used to wrap Egyptian mummies averaged 1000 metres in length.

• In the late 19th century, millions of human mummies were used as fuel for locomotives in Egypt where wood and coal

was scarce, but mummies were plentiful.

• Every person has a unique tongue print.

• The first novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom sawyer.

• Coca-Cola was originally green. (Ugh!)

• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.

• Many years ago in scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only – Ladies Forbidden’ … and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

• Each time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.

• There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

• 9% of the people who read this list will find a slug and attempt to count its noses under a magnifying glass.


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It’s got worse in recent years, because there are now two women with me whenever I’m out in the car: my

wife – and Lulu. Who’s Lulu, you ask? Well, several Christmasses ago my kids

gave me a GPS navigating gadget, a lit-tle satellite-linked street-map thingy that sits up on the dashboard. And inside this thingy lives a lady with an English accent who talks to me and helps me find my way around unfamiliar suburbs and streets.

We call her Lulu. She’s nice – some-times nicer than my wife. And she’s become a really good friend. But the other day something went wrong. Lulu got her wires crossed – and my wife and I nearly got divorced.

We were heading, you see, across the city – for a birthday lunch with friends. And I got us safely along the motorway without endangering my driving instruc-tor’s life or earning any demerit points.

But, as we neared our destination, she asked, “Do you know where you’re going?”

I said: “I think so …”And she said: “Well, last time you got

lost. Maybe we should use Lulu.”

So we plugged Lulu in and turned Lulu on. And the conversation thereafter went something like this …Lulu: “Go three kilometres, then exit left …”Wife: “Did you hear what she said?”Me: “Of course I did.”Wife: “The radio’s so loud I’m surprised you can hear anything.”Me: “It’s MY car. And YOU don’t need to turn the radio down, thank you very much!”Wife: “No need to be grumpy. It’s not MY fault you’re deaf.”Me: “I’m NOT grumpy! And I’m NOT deaf! I just wish you wouldn’t NAG.”Wife: “I wasn’t nagging. But you’re in the wrong lane. If you don’t get over you’ll miss the turnoff.”

My wife’s not a good passenger. She never has been. oh, I love her dearly and I’d rather travel with her than travel alone. But she can’t help herself. She has to tell me how to drive – like she’s an aa instructor or something. and we often end up calling each other names …


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TMe: “I CAN’T get over – there’s a truck in the way.”Lulu: “Exit left, then turn right …”Wife: “WAIT! you’re not going to make it! You’ve left it too LATE!”Lulu: “Exit left! Exit left!”Me: “Shut up, Lulu!”Wife: “LOOK OUT …! YOU CAN’T …! OH, MY GOSH, YOU NEARLY HIT THAT CAR!” Me: “WHAT car? He was MILES away …”Wife: “You never even SAW him!”Me: “Oh, rubbish! Of COURSE I saw him!”Wife: “You’re lying! You could’ve KILLED ME!” Lulu: “Turn right at the intersection! Turn right …”Me: “Shut UP, Lulu! I KNOW where we are. And we’re going LEFT!”Wife: “Just do what SHE SAYS!”Me: “No, I won’t! She’s taking us the wrong way.”Lulu: “Recalculating …”Wife: “The lights are green. You can go.” Me: “Who’s driving: ME OR YOU?”Wife: “And you forgot to use your indicator – again!”Lulu: “Recalculating …”

JUSt to REaSSURE yoU … gRapEVInE’S EdItoR and WIFE paRkEd, kISSEd and MadE Up, pUt a SMIlE on thEIR FaCES, and had a Jolly good tIME at thE paRty. lUlU, hoWEVER, had to Stay In thE CaR.

Wife: “Where on EARTH are you taking us now?”Me: “I think this is the road we want.”Wife: “It’s a dead-end – you STUPID, STUPID MAN!”Me: “Well, you’re a STUPID, STUPID WOMAN!”Lulu: “Enter roundabout and take the third exit …”Me: “And YOU’RE STUPID, TOO, LULU! There IS no roundabout!”Wife: “Don’t blame her! YOU’RE the one who got us lost!”Me: “I’M not lost. LULU is! We’ll just try this street here. Now, what address was that restaurant?”Wife: “I don’t know and I don’t care! After being SHOUTED at for three hours I don’t even want to GO! Just take me home.”Lulu: “Congratulations! Your destination is on the left …”Me: “See, Darling – I TOLD you I’d find it!”

Instead of having “answers” on a maths test, they should just

call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what? Can’t we all be brothers?

(Jack Handey)


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by Mike Cooney

sURVIVING THE sqUEEzE #1:

How to be adomesticgoddess

on a budget


GRAPEVINE: What inspired you to write Domestic Goddess on a Budget?WENDYL: It came about during a big lifestyle change I made about five years ago. I decided to move home to work and, at the same time, give up my mad corporate life. Funnily enough, I’ve always been interested in how things were done in the old grandma days, and I’d started making my own cleaning products. Things like laundry detergents, floor cleaners, spray cleaners. I’m a bit of a greenie, and I discovered that it was a lot healthier for the environment when I wasn’t filling my house with chemicals.GRAPEVINE: Then one day you thought, “I need to put pen to paper!”?

WENDYL: It was boredom! What started as just an interest had become my hobby. In my spare time, I would research all the old books and try out new recipes – it’s delightful! And then the stuff I’d been creating kind-of became my work!

I started sharing the recipes with April in the Afternoon on the Living Channel. They invited me on to just talk about any-thing really – and the recipes took off! I got hundreds of emails from people want-ing them. So then I began putting them in my Agony Aunt column in the Woman’s Weekly, and got the same reaction.

People kept asking if I’d do a book – and the rest is history!GRAPEVINE: A cynic might say your

Recession. Slowdown. Job losses. Cutbacks. We’re all affected, one way or another, whether we’ve been hit hard by the economy or are surviving the squeeze with ease. and we can all use some recession-busting ideas. Which is why we turned to Wendyl

nissen. this popular media presenter has edited a string of high profile women’s

magazines, and knows her way around the glitzy world of celebrities. But she’s even more at-home chasing chooks around her backyard and whipping up cleaning recipes in her kitchen. Wendyl nissen’s latest book Domestic Goddess on a Budget has been a sell-out success, liberating women all over the country with its handy tips on how to save money and time and still be gorgeous. When we called, she was throwing baking soda and vinegar down her toilet …

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ideas are typical of nature-loving greenies, living in a house-bus in the bush in the middle of nowhere – not a razor to be seen. But can this lifestyle work for your average city-dweller?WENDYL: Oh absolutely! I live in the heart of Grey Lynn in the inner city. I live in a posh street with million dollar homes – and then there’s my house!

hOMe, Where The heArT iS:It’s an old villa with trees out the front, and it looks like a mad bunch of hippies have just moved in! I mean, you walk up the path and there are hens everywhere. Yes, I’m living proof that you can do it …

GRAPEVINE: But come on – lots of your readers must be busy professionals, city women trying to balance work and fam-ily. Do you really expect them to come home after a hard day in the office, and whiz up a batch of lavender-scented flowing soap?WENDYL: Well, lots of my readers are city women. And you’re right: they’re busy. So I purposely made the recipes easy – I think the longest one takes about 10 to 15 min-utes. Some recipes that I’ve tried over the years, you had to search all over town for the ingredients – it was just a nightmare! So I made these ones very easy – and peo-ple often email me saying, “I love making these – they don’t take any time!” GRAPEVINE: When you went from the high-flying, corporate world to advocat-ing a more domestic lifestyle, did you get much grief from other women – particu-larly those of a feminist persuasion?WENDYL: I think that nurturing is a really big part of who we women are. Growing

up in the 60s, we were told, “You can do anything!” – and we did! I ended up at 40 doing everything – having five kids, a blended family, full-time career. But sud-denly I found myself thinking, “Hold on! This is just not working!”

I realised that what I was missing, what I really needed to do, was nurture my family. I wanted to spend more time with my kids. I wanted to fill the house with smells of baking. I know it sounds really anti-feminist, but actually I think it is feminist. It’s feminist to think that your family comes first and that you really want to nurture them.

That was a big turn-around for me – and it feels so good!GRAPEVINE: So how do busy working mums find more time to nurture their families?WENDYL: It’s not as hard as it sounds. I’m not saying, “Give up work, go home, and become a domestic goddess.” What I’m saying is look at how you can manage it a bit better. Most bosses value family these days. And with concepts like nine-day fortnights, they’re not going to look at you and say, “I’m not going to hire you because you’ve got kids.” In fact, most bosses will say, “Yeah, sure, work home one day a week if that’s going to suit you.”

Many employees are just too scared to ask. Let’s face it, with internet and email, BlackBerrys and iPhones, there’s no reason why you can’t spend more time at home these days!GRAPEVINE: You’re strong on the need for life-balance – women nurturing them-selves, having time for themselves as well as for their families …WENDYL: I talk a lot to women’s groups


around the country, and I start by asking: “How many of you get an hour to yourself every day?” Hardly any hands go up – and the hands that do go up are from people who don’t have any children!

OuT OF BALAnCe?It’s really sad when, as women, we can’t have one hour on our own. Yes, we can do anything, we can have full-time jobs, we can be independent, we can support ourselves – which is fantastic. But we also have a right to enjoy our lives …

If women don’t get time to themselves they quickly forget who they are. And that spirals into self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a dependence on others for their identity.

So once you’ve got your hour – enjoy it! It’s the first step to engaging with yourself again and bringing back some balance.

GRAPEVINE: This growing interest in a simpler, more sustainable way of living – does it signal that ‘old-fashioned’ becom-ing fashionable again? WENDYL: Yeah, it is! My favourite catch-phrase is, “It’s okay to be Nana!” Seriously, that’s my big message: it’s okay to live like your grandma or your great-grandma did. And that extends to what you eat as well. They didn’t eat anything that was processed – it was mostly fresh. And, personally, I don’t think we should be eating food that has more than five ingredients listed on the packet – especially if there’s anything you don’t recognise! All those chemicals …

People tell me, “Oh, but they didn’t live as long as we do!” And I simply say, “Well, we’ve got antibiotics – that’s the big dif-ference!” The reality is, if you eat and live the way they did, then you’re going to live a lot healthier and a lot longer – and the environment’s going to be better for it.

Think of the way they reused stuff in


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the old days – like using old bread to make bread puddings! Our waste as a society is huge: everything is disposable, gets thrown out. You get a new toaster every two years – it’s just crazy!GRAPEVINE: What advice can you give families – and particularly mums – on how to beat the recession, cut costs and save money?WENDYL: Get back to basics! That’s my advice to anyone – and that’s what we’ve done in this house to save a bit of money. Probably the best budgeting tip is one I got off my mum. She grew up in the Great Depression and World War II, and the best advice she ever gave me was to ask myself “Do I really need it?” before buying something.

That one question can save you thousands! I go to The Warehouse because I need to

buy a bucket. And, suddenly, I’ve just spent $200 because I decided I also needed a new rug, or something! You’ve just got to keep asking yourself, “Do I really need it?” – because, 9-times-out-of-10, we don’t. We’re just so materialistic: “Oh, I’ve got to buy that, because it looks good!”

Another thing is, think about how your Nana cooked and cleaned. Just the clean-ing tips mentioned in Domestic Goddess – using baking soda, vinegar, and all that stuff – will save you around $35 a month.

Also, grow your own! Even someone who’s hopeless at gardening can grow salad vegies in their backyard. It’s as simple as opening a bag of potting mix, throw-ing on some seeds and in six weeks you’ll have salad. Not only is it better for you, it’s cheaper!GRAPEVINE: Where, in your experience, do people have their worst budget blow-outs?WENDYL: Oh, it’s definitely entertainment

– at least it is for us! People have stopped having parties, choosing instead to go out for dinner. So I say, have people over home instead!

AnCienT Fun:Some of my best memories are having my friends around the table, and cooking for them. I mean, sure, you have to clean up and stuff. But it’s what we used to do in the old days!

And if you have to go to the movies, go during the Tuesday specials!GRAPEVINE: With December 25 just around the corner, any Christmas advice?WENDYL: Go homemade! When it comes to Christmas presents, you can make so much of it at home – even if it’s just a herb salt, some bottled fruit, or a chutney! Make some cookies. Bake a loaf of bread and take it around to their place. People appreciate homemade stuff much more than something that’s bought from a shop – something they don’t even need!

Get back to the old ways. Find an Aunt Daisy cookbook in your local op-shop. Have a look at what she used to do – then see if you can do some of them!

aSk at any good BookShop FoR WEndyl’S Book … go to WWW.tRadEME.Co.nZ FoR hER ‘gREEn goddESS’ pRodUCtS … and EMaIl [email protected] FoR hER nEWSlEttER.

WhAT DO YOu ThinK? hAve YOur SAY!go to ‘REadERS FoRUM’ at WWW.gRapEVInE.oRg.nZ to poSt yoUR poInt-oF-VIEW and REad What othERS RECkon …


Sudoku Hard (solutions page 67)

Sudoku Medium (solutions page 67)

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How To Play: Fill in the grid so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9.


by Frances Coventry

How to stop your kids

brokefrom going

sURVIVING THE sqUEEzE #2:


GRAPEVINE: Why a book on this subject?SYLVIA: Well, firstly to re-educate parents about their finances. If we can help parents manage their money better, then they’re likely to be more successful teaching their kids. GRAPEVINE: But parents are under pres-sure to spend-spend-spend! And they feel bad if their kids don’t have all the latest gadgets …SYLVIA: I know. They’re told their children need cellphones for safety, and laptops for their education, and on and on its goes.

When I was a kid my parents saved up for everything – and if they couldn’t, we didn’t have it. But in these days of easy credit, that commonsense goes out the window. GRAPEVINE: Do kids really need to learn about money-management? I mean they’re only kids!

SYLVIA: Yes. And they should start learn-ing from an early age – maybe 18 months to two years – as soon as they’re old enough to put money in a money-box. And when they’re a bit older, get them to divide their pocket-money into three jars: spending, savings, sharing. They won’t understand the concept of saving, but they’ll get the idea that this money stuff needs a plan.

FACTS OF LiFe:Some parents find it’s just as hard talking to their kids about money as it is about sex. But you’ll empower your kids if you help them understand that money is real. It’s not a cheque or a credit card. And when their dollar is spent, there’s no more.

Money, money, money! If we’re not earning it, we’re spending it, or agonising over how to

pay the bills! and, meanwhile, our kids grow up wondering why Mum and dad can’t just put everything they need on Visa. how can we survive the squeeze? how can we avoid falling off

the money-go-round? and how can we train our

kids to handle their finances well? Sylvia Bowden (budget-advisor-cum-life-coach) is concerned about the lack of money-wisdom being passed down from generation to generation. So concerned, in fact, that she’s published a book for parents: How to Stop Your Kids From Going Broke! We visited Sylvia in the balmy Bay of plenty and asked for her best recession-busting ideas …

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You’ll be surprised how kids take own-ership of money if it’s theirs.GRAPEVINE: You’re talking delayed gratification. Not a popular concept these days …SYLVIA: But a valuable concept to learn early-on, because it teaches kids to wait for things and set goals. One boy in my money-course wanted a drum set. He knew how much it cost and he wanted it for Christmas. But then we worked out it would take him two and a half years to save up, and that’s when he started to think laterally. He went and worked on a farm in the holidays and did other odd jobs along the way. He went without ice-creams and treats. And he had his drum set by Christmas!GRAPEVINE: So it’s not about parents say-ing, “No, no, no! You can’t have this!” It’s about saying, “How can we get there?”SYLVIA: Exactly. Sure, your kids might be upset because they can’t have it right now. But it’s a good test to see how much they really want it – and it teaches them the difference between a short-term ‘want’ and a long-term plan.

One mum told me she gave her two sons $10 each to spend at The Warehouse. Now, these boys were smart: they pooled their money and arrived at the checkout with something for $30. Their mum was about to pay the extra $10 – but then she remembered the question: “What am I teaching my children if I do this?”

She said “No,” and they had a bit of a dust-up at the checkout. But she made the boys keep to the budget.GRAPEVINE: It’s a thankless job, this money training – right?SYLVIA: Yes, I agree. And it requires par-ents to model good money-behaviours at

home. You see, it’s not how much we earn – it’s what we do with what we earn.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that we need to have this gadget or wear this brand or drive this car to be acceptable. “Buy now – pay later!” But what are we teaching our kids when we get things on hire-purchase? Or spend $300 on a pair of shoes that we could get for $50 without the label?

If your kids want to pay a fortune for designer gear, help them understand why they feel the need for it.

Teach them to ask questions like, “How much will that be … with interest?” And teach them to read the fine-print.

I see so many young people with these big cellphone debts of $1000 or $1500. They don’t even look at the contract. My father used to tell me, “Sylvia, read any document fully before you sign it. And if you don’t understand it, don’t sign it!”

COSTLY LeSSOnS:If your teenager wants to buy a car he can’t really afford, remind him that he’s spending money on something that depreciates instead of appreciates. Because the next thing he’ll find is he can’t make the installments, and the car’s worth only half what he paid for it!

GRAPEVINE: How come some people bounce back from financial problems, while others just give up?SYLVIA: Being broke is a temporary thing. It’s a state of mind. And being broke for a time is not too stressful. But staying broke is! I’ve noticed that when successful people have financial setbacks they straightaway get up and get going again. But other people have a love-hate


relationship with money and they fall for the classic money-myths.GRAPEVINE: Like what?SYLVIA: Well, the idea that money is the root of all evil. But it’s the “love of money” that’s the root of all evil. If you love money above everything else, if you let it drive you, your life will be out of whack.

On the other hand, if you believe that money is bad news you’re just going to get rid of it.

It’s true: you can’t buy happiness with money. But that doesn’t mean money’s unimportant. It’s a tool we can use to make our lives and the lives of others better.GRAPEVINE: Can you pinpoint some more money-myths?SYLVIA: Well, another is the idea that you need a scam to get rich – so you’re always looking for a get-rich-quick scheme.

Then there’s the misconception: “I’ll save money when I have enough money!” – instead of making your savings a priority.

Another is: “It’s better to give than receive.” Some people are too proud to accept help when they need it – they see themselves as failures if someone gives them a hand-up.

GRAPEVINE: What’s this recession doing to ordinary families?SYLVIA: I’ve read statistics that suggest 80% of marriage breakdowns can be attributed to financial hardship.

AT CrOSS-PurPOSeS:Maybe one partner’s been brought up to save and be careful, whereas the other’s happy to spend – don’t worry about tomorrow, what the heck, we might die next week. Often, it’s only under the pressure of money drying up that these differences become an issue.

GRAPEVINE: So how can families plan ahead for hard times?SYLVIA: Stay out of debt! If you don’t have any debt and have to go on an unemployment benefit, you may have to tone down your spending – but you will survive. Nobody died from eating porridge for breakfast.

And be realistic about your costs. Put aside $600 a year to cover car repairs instead of hoping your car will go forever.GRAPEVINE: If you feel you’re not

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budgeting well, where can you go for help?SYLVIA: One mistake people make is they go and ask their friends – who are often in the same financial situation.

When I was budget-advising, some-one told me they’d just got a loan at 23% interest for a car. It was the classic story of, “Oh, my mate down the road told me about this good deal. I didn’t need cash. He just introduced me to this car salesman …” Anyone with a bit of money-sense could’ve told him, “That $8000 car is going to cost you $12,000 with interest!”

There’s a wonderful saying: “Let your emotions subside before you decide!” And that’s especially true about spending your money.GRAPEVINE: This subject can easily sound really boring. How do you make it fun for kids? SYLVIA: I’ve invented a little character for the book called Silbo the Squirrel. He leads you through the money principles and ways to teach them to your kids. I intro-duce funny sayings to lighten things up – like, “It’s better to tell your money where to go instead of wondering where it’s gone.”

You can also get kids to spot the real messages in ads on TV – like “Buy now, pay later!” and “You need this, and you need it now!”GRAPEVINE: Does one size fit all when it comes to money education?SYLVIA: No. I remember being inter-viewed by this guy on TV who said: “Well, my mum and dad were good money-managers, and my brother’s really good – but I’m actually hopeless!” Some children are naturally more influenced by TV and keeping up with the Joneses – and they need to be taught how to resist buying-pressure.

On the other hand, some mums and dads are forever rescuing their kids. If their teenage son can’t afford his car reg-istration, they worry he’s going to get a fine – so they pay the bill.

BuT WAiT, STOP, ThinK:Before leaping to the rescue, parents need to ask: what’s he learning from this? He’s learning to not plan for the future. And he may end up blaming mum and dad: “I’m in court because they wouldn’t pay the bill!”

GRAPEVINE: How about a quick review of your recession-beating tips?SYLVIA: Stay away from hire-purchases and personal loans. Ask yourself, “Can I live without this?” Get advice from good money-managers – not your all-too-often-broke mates. Make a cash budget. Withdraw your food money in one hit and only spend that amount. Leave your EFTPOS card at home. And talk to your kids about your finances and why you’ve made certain decisions.

Being broke won’t last forever. Being poor is a state of mind. Making more money is only part of the answer: it’s what you do with what you earn that matters.

aSk at any good BookShop FoR SylVIa’S Book … oR oRdER thE Book (and ChECk oUt RElatEd aRtIClES) at WWW.SIlBo.Co.nZ.


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costume, but this wasn’t just any old garb. It came with bells and whistles … a mask … some wrist-bands with controls to help him vanquish the enemy … and a fast-man sticker on his shirt, complete with lightning bolt.

Anyway, suitably attired, he even-tually headed outside to save the world.

The details of his exploits are a bit sketchy at this point. I’m sure he slew some dragons and rescued some maidens in distress – but then he somehow bit the dust.

He straggled into the house with skinned knees, ripped jeans and a bonked head. He was covered in dirt, his cape was askew and his ego bruised.

As his Mum comforted him, he wept out his woes. “Mum,” he said, with trembling voice, “I’m not a real superhero. ‘Cos they don’t fall down. They fly good, and they never get hurt …”

As I listened to that story, I realised something: Superheroism is in the eye of the beholder. And the fact that his Mum and Dad love him makes him a superhero indeed.

FRanCES CoVEntRy IS a gRapEVInE StaFF-WRItER. ‘SCRUBCUttERS’ aRE RadIo SpotS – pRodUCEd By CBa, and hEaRd By 180,000 pEoplE EaCh WEEkday, on thE nEWStalkZB nEtWoRk.

I’M THE PROUD GRANDMA of five-and-a-half grandchildren. And if it weren’t for them and

my extremely interesting husband, I’d be hard pressed to find anything good to write about.

So it was with great amusement and joy that I listened to my daughter recounting the latest episode in the life of her five-year-old son.

He’d recently been given a superhero

IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER


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in TheLoveOutdoors


the three hunters didn’t quite know where to look as I scrambled for my boxers in a hasty attempt to cover up. our romantic soak in the hot pools, in the middle of the bush – with no one around! – had just been compromised …

IT’D BEEN qUITE A WHILE since Donna and I last disappeared on an outdoor adventure together

– and it was long overdue. There’s nothing like a little romance-in-the-hills to spice up your marriage. And (as I tried to tell her) walking through our paddocks to feed the calves didn’t count – particularly with four children in tow!

So I suggested we should go bush for a couple of days: no kids, no electricity, and hopefully no people.

I knew I’d have to plan it carefully. If it was too difficult, or too long, I’d pay. But, after flicking through a few maps, I

came up with the ideal destination – the Manga-tainoka Hot Springs in the Kaweka Ranges. I’d been there once before, and it was a magic little spot – made even more attractive by its very own thermal pools!

Tucked away amongst the beech forest on the banks of the Mohaka

River, the Mangatainoka is a popular day walk for trampers. Starting from ‘The Gums’ carpark at the end of Makahu Rd, it follows the river most of the way. A couple of steep bluffs need negotiating, but, other than that, the track is easy enough.

Two to three hours in, you come to Te Puia Lodge – a large, 26-bunk DOC hut which, during the busy season, gets pretty crowded with trampers, hunters and fisherman. But from here it’s just a short 45 minute walk to the hot springs, with plenty of room for a small tent or fly. And, for those who like a few luxuries, there’s a long-drop loo …

by Mike Cooney

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But the excuses ran out, thankfully, and it was time to go. So with the packs packed and the kids dropped off, we began our long drive to the Kawekas.

Things were looking up!

We spent a night en-route in the worst motel in Taupo – chosen by Donna because it

had a spa-bath! Our ‘chalet’ had two huge curtain-less windows high above our bed with a street lamp right outside – and a never-ending stream of trucks thundered past only metres from where our heads lay. At 4am, after no sleep, we considered packing up and leaving.

We waited a while longer, then grabbed a coffee, jumped back in the truck and carried on with our journey. Finally, nearly three hours later, we made it to the ‘The Gums’ and, in no time at all, we had packs on and were hitting the trail.

We made good progress in the warm

I had less than two weeks to find babysitters and convince my wife that this was a good idea. However,

after an initial grilling about where we were going and how hard was it and was there a toilet, she seemed to settle down.

My next concern was to make sure her pack would be nice and light!

With less than a week to go, it must’ve dawned on Donna that I was serious – this wasn’t just another hare-brained idea that would probably never happen. I mean, an opportunity to get my wife alone in the bush, without the kids, was always going to happen! However, I digress …

Just days before we left she started making excuses as to why she couldn’t go: our daughter’s got chicken pox (actually just mosquito bites on her leg); bad weather’s on the way; there’s a tsunami warning along the coast; I’m getting a cough …


conditions, Donna leading the charge while I did my best David Attenborough impersonation, filling her in on the various flora and fauna we passed. And she pretended to be interested … until we hit our first major climb.

Bush Romance Tip #1: Try walking the trails holding hands. It didn’t work for us, but you might have better luck. (It helps to have wide trails …)

I learnt very quickly what motivated my wife – and what didn’t. For instance, she didn’t appreciate a blow-by-blow account of the life-cycle of a sika deer. My “C’mon honey – you can do it!” and “Good effort babe!” didn’t work, either. Nor did my “Gee, you’ve got a nice butt!” (In fact, that last remark nearly ended our romantic getaway!)

What did work for my bride of 14 years was to keep my distance and let her mutton it out in solitude. That way, she tells me, I wasn’t close enough to blame!

Despite a few tense moments, we made Te Puia Lodge in good time, and sat down next to the river for a hot brew and a yarn

with a couple of fishermen. Then, all too quickly, it was back on with our boots and packs for the last leg.

Forty-five minutes later, some out-of-place fibreglass pools materialised from the bush. We’d arrived! And

as I set up camp, Donna accepted the challenge of getting a fire going.

Bush Romance Tip #2: Sitting around a campfire is a great way to get a little more intimate. You could try using this line as a starting point: “Honey, your lips remind me of those embers … red hot!” Trust me – she’ll be putty in your hands.

After cooking up a well-earned feed, we grabbed our towels and shot over to

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the pools for a nice soak before bed. Being slightly more adventurous, I decided there was little point getting any clothing wet while we were in the middle of the bush with no one to be seen. Donna, who’s a lot more refined, thought togs would be a good idea – and, once again, she was right.

Barely 10 minutes into our soak, three hunters appeared out of the bush in the fading light. They’d decided on a quick dip before heading back to the Lodge.

Just my luck …Bush Romance Tip #3: There’s noth-

ing like the freedom of skinny-dipping as a couple – at least that’s what I reckon. Just make sure you’re alone. And have some clothes handy.

Anyway, feeling slightly embarrassed, we scurried back to camp, crawled into my tiny two-man tent, got warm and cosy, and eventually drifted off to sleep.

On previous occasions, when I’ve been in my tent with one of my hunting buddies, we’ve spent the entire night trying to keep away from each other. So it made a pleasant change being able to tuck in nice and close …

Bush Romance Tip #4: Buy yourself zip-together sleeping bags. Not only will you keep each other warmer, but you’ve got more room than trying to squeeze into one …

The following morning saw us up bright and early. And after a hearty feed of porridge and a cup of rooibos tea with healthy lashings of condensed milk, we packed our things, shouldered our packs and began the trek out. Donna made a deal: we’d walk for an hour and a half before stopping for break. But, as it turned out, we went two hours before resting at some river flats on the Mohaka.


Pulling out the billy, we munched on chocolate and nuts while waiting for the water to boil – then again enjoyed a sweet, hot cuppa. Just the thing to re-energise!

Bush Romance Tip #5: Take along a tube of condensed milk. There’s nothing more romantic than having a suck straight out of the tube. It’ll do wonders for your marriage …

It was nice taking time to sit and talk for a bit and just enjoy being surrounded by nature. The weather was holding up and Donna was finding the going pretty good – in fact, easier than yesterday’s hike. It often takes a day or two to find your feet and get used to walking with a load. You’ve just got to pace yourself.

Rounding a corner, I spied ‘The Gums’ up ahead – towering above the stunted scrub. Donna thought I was joking when I told her we’d arrived, and it wasn’t until we burst out of the bush and saw the truck that she believed me.

Together, we’d walked over 20kms –

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and achieved what I’d set out to do. We’d enjoyed each others company (mostly!), had a few laughs, overcome some challenges and discovered a little love in the outdoors.

Best of all, Donna returned home inspired to get out there a little more often. She’s already planning our next trip!

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A properly cooked poached egg has to be really, really fresh and free-range. Barn eggs are also

acceptable or, if you’re really choosy, barn conversion eggs, which are eggs laid in barns with original exposed beams.

Free-range is a relative concept: you’ll know chickens are really free-range


when you find one in the lift at work.When you put them in the pan,

remember that eggs are no different from people: drop them in hot water and they generally go to pieces. To prevent this, slip the egg out of a small cup and then keep the cup over the top like a little hood. That’s like taking a student to university and

how To Poach An egg

a plastic egg poacher is like a Wonderbra for poached eggs. they make your eggs look firmer, rounder and slightly more tasty. they also keep your yolks nice and central. But it’s always a bit of a disappointment when you finally pop them out and they’re not your own work …

by Guy Browning


And try to spot these characters involved in this mythical Greek tale:

1. Orpheus, drowning out the songs of the Sirens. 2. Medea fighting the bronze giant, Talos. 3. King Thoas, hiding in a treasure chest. 4. Hylas being pulled into the river by Nymphs. 5. The 8 Harpies preventing blind Phieus from eating his food. 6. The Golden Fleece. 7. Chiron, the Centaur. 8. Boreads, who can fly. 9. The 14 Sirens. 10. The twins, Castor and Pollux

WANT TO LEARN MORE? Google ‘Jason & the Golden Fleece’ and check it out!

Created by Tim Tripp

Jason Medea Pelias King Aeetes Atalanta

THE GOLDEN FLEECEMatt and Sam, our time-travelling heroes, have ended up in ancient Greece, on a ship called the Argo. The captain, Jason, is heir to the throne of Thessaly, but

his evil uncle has taken control of the country. In order to become king, Jason must find the secret location of

Colchis, defeat the dragon that guards the city, and make his way back with the legendary Golden Fleece.

Can you find Matt, Sam, Jason, his crew of Argonauts, and the others? (Check out the next page)

See Over PAGe

then locking them in their room. Technically they’ve left home, but they can’t go anywhere.

Another method of keeping the egg together is to create a vortex in the water. Be careful that you don’t accidentally get a Matrix, because that’s a Keanu Reeves and your egg will end up in six different dimen-sions. The vortex, like a black hole, sucks everything towards it. Again, it’s like dropping off a student at university but leaving a PlayStation in their room: they could go out, but they don’t.

Opening the poacher to check whether the egg is ready doesn’t work. An egg in a poacher is like a subatomic particle – its nature is conditioned by the observer. If you lift the lid, it will be runny and transparent, but if you don’t, it will be rock hard and rubbery.

Leave the egg to poach for precisely five minutes, but be careful with egg timers because they are not terribly accurate. If Christo-pher Columbus had used an egg timer for navigation, he would have discovered Guernsey.

If you don’t like the loud ticking and irritating ringing, you can get a classic hourglass egg timer. It takes exactly five minutes for the sand to trickle from one end to the other, and another three hours 15 minutes before you remember to look at it.

© gUy BRoWnIng IS aUthoR oF ‘nEVER hIt a JEllyFISh WIth a SpadE’ – USEd By pERMISSIon.

See previouS page

THE GOLDEN FLEECE

(When grandparents raise their grandkids)

by Paul Freedman

YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE ME, WILL YOU NANA?

Ask Any pArent, “Why did you hAve kids?” and (aside from jokes about not knowing what they were doing) they’ll probably talk about “wanting to settle down and have a family …” and “the joy of bringing a new life into this world …” Ask any grandparent about raising a grandchild and you’ll get a very different answer.that’s what we discovered when we talked recently with four grandmothers and one grandfather. these grandparents are acting as primary care-givers for one or more of their children’s children. Which means they’re fully responsible for that child’s care, clothes, food, education, housing, welfare … the works.As one of them told us: “the common denominators in these all-too-frequent situations are drugs, alcohol, abuse, abandonment, prison … or parents who simply don’t want their kids.“it’s easy to get pregnant. But when your child’s left holding the baby … and it’s a screaming, needy, demanding baby … they think: ‘oh my gosh, what’ve i done?’“But, of course, it’s too late. so these little kids get shipped out to grandparents. or they get fostered. or they get adopted out. or in some societies, i guess, they become street kids.”What happens in Godzone? read on, and meet our courageous grandparents:

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Tessa: My husband’s a Maori – so for him family’s like that (fingers locked together). But for us Pakeha,

taking on a child with special needs is much more daunting. It wasn’t so hard with Simeon, but we could see that there were heaps of problems for Eli. Even things like feeding himself. At five he was still using his fingers to eat with. So we had to introduce him to spoons and forks and how to hold them – stuff like that. Our view was: if we didn’t do it, how could we expect anybody else to?

Susan: Raising a grandchild wasn’t something we’d planned on. We’d bought a house in New York where we’d hoped to spend our remaining years … but no – we’re here in New Zealand, raising this beautiful, dynamic four-and-a-half-year-old girl. There simply wasn’t anybody else willing to step up to the plate for this little one. She could’ve gone out to foster care, but that was never going to happen!

Aroha: Sometimes, when I’m down, I think to myself, “This is crazy! What’ve I done?” But then I think, no, if I didn’t take the children, they’d go to care. I know what it’s like for kids who’ve been there, done that – and I wouldn’t ever want my grandchildren to be separated from their whanau.

Valerie: We knew from the start that his mother wasn’t going to be able to care for him. So James and I just looked at each other and said, “We’re gonna end up being this child’s parents!” This is our fam-ily. Other options, like adoption or care, never entered our heads.

Ian: I suppose, in retrospect, the decision was tough. But it didn’t feel that way at the time. We’d looked after her a lot during her first year, and it’d got to a point

where the behaviour and lifestyle of the parents was so chaotic that finally – after asking us to babysit for a weekend, then not turning up until a fortnight later – we said: “This time her parents just aren’t having her back!”

TRAUMA, SECURITY & ENERGY LEVELS

W hen kids lose – or are deserted by – their natural parents, what does that do to them? And

where do grandparents find the strength to tackle this job?

Susan: My granddaughter was watch-ing Baby Planet (about little baby ani-mals) on TV and she asked me, “Why isn’t the mother with that baby?”

I answered, “Well, the mother’s abandoned the baby – she doesn’t want to look after it.”

She turned to me and said, “My mummy left me when I was little. But you’ll never leave me, will you Nana?”

So, yes, there is probably some trauma. But she’s secure enough now to know and trust that we’re always going to be there for her. (Pause) Which means I can’t die, can I? I’ll have to live till I’m about 120!

Aroha: Trish won’t go back to her parents … she’s never had much support there. She wanted to see her dad during the holidays, but he said, “Oh, I’m not working at the moment. I want to be able to give you money and take you here and there!”

She said, “I don’t want money – I just want to see you, Dad!” But … it all came to nothing, and she fell out with him. Never contacted him again. So I’ve got Trish for the long haul.

I’ll have the nephew and another


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Raising a grandchild wasn’t something we’d planned on. But here we are, raising this beautiful, dynamic four-and-a-half-year-old girl. She could’ve gone out to foster care, but that

was never going to happen!

grandson – and a couple of other little boys too, because they won’t go to their dad, either.

Tessa: When Simeon first arrived I was in my 40s. Back then, I felt I was bullet-proof – going like a train, loads of energy, lots of outside interests and activi-ties. But now that we’re in our 50s I’ve had to re-prioritize: “Come on – you can’t do that anymore!”

If I take on too many unnecessary things, I’m never going to make the 10-year plan – I’ll never reach the finishing gate!

Ian: When you’re getting on a bit, you don’t have the energy to throw a kid over your shoulder and enjoy that physical fun as often as you did when you were younger, that’s for sure!

Susan: That’s the major thing we all find – getting tired! You’re not meant to be doing this at our age. Life’s supposed to get easier. We’re really meant to be doing what our peers are doing – and most of them have got empty nests. But here we are, starting off in that parenting role all over again!


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MONEY WORRIES & SPECIAL NEEDS

T he grandparents we spoke with agreed: there were huge demands placed on their finances by the new

family. So how do they cope – especially when the grandkids have extra problems?

Susan: We had money set aside for our retirement … well, it would’ve been for our retirement! Suddenly we’re landed with a four-year-old who’s growing fast … who needs to be educated … who wants to go dancing, swimming, every-thing her friends are doing.

At the moment we’re under CYFS, so we get a fortnightly board allowance and a quarterly clothing allowance. We’re also fortunate because we get her crèche fees paid. We get medical bills up to $200 a year. And she gets birthday and Christmas money.

Valerie: Our finances were fine before my husband took sick. (He had a stroke seven years ago and he’s in care.) Since then, I’ve had to budget very carefully for everything. You definitely have to save up. I hate doing it, but occasionally I’ve got to tell my grandson, “Well, I’m sorry, but we simply can’t afford that!”

Ian: I know grandparents who’ve lost their houses. They’ve had to sell up and rent, and put their capital into getting expensive assistance for their grandchildren.

The financial pressure’s definitely right up there. It’s one of the biggest factors. A lot of them would’ve had to put their plans on hold: maybe the new boat, or the trip overseas, or whatever they were going to do with their life when they moved on from being parents. Because suddenly they’re being parents again … as grandparents!

Valerie: When she first became pregnant my daughter kept it a secret. She’d suddenly have two or three days of not taking her medication, and then she’d double-dose on everything. She was drinking and smoking, going out and having a good time. And, because of all that, the baby suffered.

He has Asperger’s Syndrome and goes to a special school. He doesn’t like change. Everything must be done in routine. He’s got very little confidence … like, even crossing the road. You couldn’t send him to the dairy for a loaf of bread because, although he’d know what he was doing, he’d still get confused.

And learning’s a big problem for him – very difficult.

Tessa: My husband’s got some wonderful skills with the boys. And I certainly couldn’t do all this on my own, I can tell you that! When I see other grandparents struggling on their own I heave a huge sigh of relief. My husband’s been such a tower of strength.

I’ve been watching just lately how Simeon’s bonding and interacting with his granddad more than me these days. Their relationship’s getting stronger. And that’s good … that’s great. What he gets from my husband will be rounded and grounded – and it’ll set him on the right path for manhood, I believe.

They’re a good team together!

TRAGIC CASES – HEAVY LOADS

All grandparents raising grandkids have their work cut out. But some do double-duty … carry double-

size burdens … and have had to face daunting tragedies with their children.

Aroha: Mike and I are separated. He


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wrong, she’s not a bad person. Okay, she broke the law, but she’s got a good heart. She’s a good mum, but the drugs … they just took hold of her life and turned it upside down.

I look after another grandson, Harry. He’s my oldest daughter’s. He’s 15. He wasn’t getting on with his dad, so he just turned up on my doorstep.

And I also look after a nephew, Zeb, who’s 17. He’s my sister’s son. She went off to England and married a guy from Liverpool when Zeb was 10. He reckons he’s ‘abandoned’ – but she didn’t abandon him; she left him with my mum. But then my mum had a stroke and couldn’t cope, so Zeb came to me.

Ian: My stepson was obviously having trouble in his younger teens. His mother often asked for help – from various

had a stroke six years ago: I was living in Whangarei and he was in Kawakawa with our youngest son. After the stroke my older children approached me and said, “Listen, we don’t want him staying in a rest-home. But what’s gonna happen? He needs looking after, but we’ve got young kids – we can’t take him on.”

The trouble is, they all depend on me! And they know that too: “Oh-my-gosh, Nan. What’d we do if something happened to you?”

I simply answer, “Why? What’s going to happen to me? I ain’t going anywhere!”

I’ve got Trish – she’s about to turn 16. And there’s Hohepa who’s eight, Tane who’s seven, Mihi who’s five, Petera who’s three and little Ani’s just two. Their mum had problems with drugs, and she’s in prison at the moment. Don’t get me

My granddaughter turned to me and said, “My mummy left me when I was little. But you’ll never leave me, will

you Nana?” She’s secure enough to trust that we’re always going to be there for her.


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of dreadful disease. One time it was Canavan’s Disease. My daughter must’ve gone online and found out all about it – she’s very clever. So she told everybody that her little boy had Canavan’s Disease. Of course, he hadn’t. He was good as gold. But she invented it all so she could get the attention and hospital admission.

She’d go to any lengths to get that.

FINDING A WAY THROUGH THE SYSTEM

Support is available. But some grand-parents find themselves struggling – not only with their children, but

with the very agencies supposedly there to help them.

Tessa: I’ve found that with CYFS you don’t get continuity. You meet one person and get treated one way, then you’re shunted off to someone else and everything changes. You go from one office to another and they all treat you differently. They’re forever talking about the rights of the parents – or calling another Family Group Conference. But you can’t just keep sitting around talking about it forever!

For the first five years of his life, Eli lived with his mother in a chaotic situ-ation – totally unsuitable for a child. He was obviously unhappy. His behaviour was extreme, to say the least. And I was really worried that he might have been abused, because my daughter was now in a relationship with a known paedophile – whose own four children had been removed by CYFS.

We kept in contact, picking him up each Friday and taking him home each Sunday – as much as I hated returning him to his mother. But then my daughter got involved by association with a murder!

agencies – but it didn’t really happen. It makes you question what could’ve been done, either within the family or from outside, to help this guy avoid the destructive path he finally took.

He’s now no longer with us – the victim of a drug-murder. That’s the life he was heading for, and that’s where he went.

Thankfully, he hasn’t taken his daughter with him. We were able to stop that happening …

Susan: My daughter’s whole life has been very difficult. But I always hoped she’d come right. I hoped she’d get past this sort of mad stage – the terrible teens. But … she didn’t.

We got a call in January 2007 to say that her little one had swallowed a tiny camera battery. And it was left in her oesophagus for three days before my daughter did anything about it!

We came out (from the USA) in April for a Family Group Conference. That’s when the decision was made that the child would come to us for six months while my daughter got psychological help.

They think she may have fictitious disorder by proxy … (which is Münchausen’s Syndrome.) That’s where they harm the child in order to get help or attention for themselves. Our granddaughter was in hospital for a couple of months and my daughter kept saying, “She won’t eat – she won’t eat!” But the staff were watching all this, and they found that my daughter was putting the food out of the little one’s reach, so she couldn’t get it.

My daughter was wanting the attention, but she didn’t want the hassle of actually raising her own little girl!

She had presented her other children to hospital too, all with some kind


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This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Eli had seen and heard things that a child of five shouldn’t be privy to, so CYFS finally removed him and called us in.

Only time will tell if his behaviour is in response to abuse, sexual or otherwise. We’re still working through these issues with the Child Mental Health team and addressing his learning difficulties.

Aroha: I went to WINZ. It’s demoral-izing going to this particular branch. I’ve had problems with them before in earlier years with a sister of mine. And the thought of having to go there again – arrrgh!

They told me, “Go and see so-and-so – he’ll help you with your budget.”

“Budget?” I thought. “What budget?” And I just started to cry. They truly had no idea. So I went home, got onto the WINZ website, and came across this support group: Grandparents Raising Grand-children. I rang the lady and a couple of days later she rang back. We just talked and talked. She listened to me, and had lots of good advice. And that’s how it started.

Tessa: They know what you’re going through. They understand when you’re having a tough time, and something’s gone wrong, and you just want to scream. Or you have to take time off work and tell your boss: “I need to go early today … again!”

With Grandparents Raising Grand-children, you can pick up the phone and tell a friend, “I’m having one hell of a week!”

Susan: Having the support of other

The financial pressure is one of the biggest factors. Putting your plans on hold: maybe the new boat, or the trip overseas,

or whatever you were going to do. Because suddenly you’re being parents again … as grandparents!

people who are going through the same sorts of things is so important! I’m trying to get a group started in Wellington. Everywhere else it’s really taken off – but Wellington, no. And yet, there are lots of grandparents here raising their grandchildren.

Valerie: Since joining Grandparents Raising Grandchildren I feel like I’m not alone in this. If you’ve got a problem and you need advice – or you just feel you need to check that you’re doing the right thing – you can ring one another up. Like homework time: your grandchild’s got homework (and it’s soooo different from when I was at school!) … you can ring


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up the others and ask, “How long do you give them for homework?” And they might say, “Oh well, I only give them 20 minutes. If it’s not done by then, they can finish it at school.”

We support each other in ways like that.

WHAT ABOUT THE GRANDDADS?

Grandmothers are often the first to get called on in an emergency – and the first to insist they mother

their grandchildren-in-distress. But how about the grandfathers?

Ian: It tends to be the grandmothers ringing each other up more than the guys. Quite early on I did suggest, at a Grand-parents Raising Grandchildren function, “How about we start things, like ‘Guys Days Out’? A group of us grandfathers, say, taking grandsons or granddaughters fishing or four-wheel-driving?” I felt that there was a need for the male side of the relationship to be catered for in the boys’-toys or boys-day-out sphere, and I hoped that this suggestion would be taken up. But … it didn’t go anywhere. Didn’t fly at all!

I think grandfathers often hold back. They think, “I’ll stand here and see what I can do for my household, my family.” But some of them don’t feel very empowered – maybe even a little pushed out.

I suspect some men (and it might be more than just some) feel uncomfortable safety-wise – with their granddaughters especially. And I can understand that.

The majority are having to parent their grandchildren because the parents have been involved in drug abuse or alcohol, the girls in prostitution, the guys in all sorts of illegal activities. Those grandpar-ents have already seen the world that their children have gone into … the problems

they’ve brought down on the family by living those sorts of lives, and the nastiness that can happen. And there’s a very real fear (not an unfounded fear) that comes from this.

I think that fear might well be behind some of the guys’ reticence. That, and the fact that most of them are coming to the end of their working lives. And their retirement savings are going to be depleted bringing up another child.

I’m not sure if my experience will work for anyone else. But the first thing I’d say is: don’t take it personally. What’s happened isn’t a reflection on you. These things haven’t happened because you’ve failed in any special way. You’re still the head of a household, and the patriarch of a family (or whatever words you want to use to express that idea).

Just take a little while to realise that those things haven’t changed. All the knowledge you’ve ever had you’ve still got – and you’re probably about to get a whole lot more! Your wisdom is still yours. So keep yourself calm and strong. Stand your ground and speak your truth and don’t let anyone push you around.

LOOKING AHEAD …

Families are often stronger than they look. Kids can overcome incredible setbacks. Bad times can be replaced

by good times. And the wildest dreams can still be realised …

Tessa: One thing we chose to do with my daughter is to let her stay con-nected with the family. Even though a lot of tough stuff has happened over the years (and we’ve seen some real shockers!) we still want her included in the boys’ lives. We don’t want to shut that door.


Susan: It’s very important when they’re young to let the children know if they have siblings. And to let them know, in terms they can understand, what’s the matter with their parents. Our grand-daughter asked us why mummy couldn’t look after her – and why daddy wasn’t on the scene. So I told her, “Well, they’re sick.” That’s the only thing I could say that she could really understand.

As she gets older and can understand more we’ll fill in more details. But for now, “being sick” is fine.

Aroha: My family will bounce back. The children’s mother is due to come out of prison shortly. But she won’t be able to take her kids back for some time – not

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To see them grow from a childhood that has often included terrible trauma, to where they mature and blossom – to see them actually become little individuals with a real future,

there’s great pleasure in that!

WHAT DO YOU THINK? HAVE YOUR SAY!Go to ‘reAders forum’ At WWW.GrApevine.orG.nz to post your point-of-vieW And reAd WhAt others reCkon …

until she straightens her life out for good and proper.

Valerie: You have to think about your grandchild’s future … because we’re not going to be around, some of us, when they grow up. It’s making sure you have something set in place for them up ahead. Ensuring someone’s going to be there to care for them.

There’s also the pleasure of seeing them grow: from a childhood that has often included terrible trauma and made them afraid of their own shadow … to where they mature and blossom. When they’ve got stable adults in their lives and the security of knowing that there’s a bed to sleep in, and food on the table, and they don’t have to fight for these – to see them actually become little individuals with a

real future, there’s great pleasure in that!Ian: My dreams are still intact – for my

granddaughter, and for me. I’m still capa-ble of dreaming far more than I’m ever going to be capable of doing. So … if I get five minutes to have a crack at it, just watch out!

to ContACt ‘GrAndpArents rAisinG GrAndChildren’ Go to WWW.GrG.orG.nz – or free-phone 0800 472 637.

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ALICE

I REMEMBER ALICE’S FACE one night many years ago. We were in a small group of adults, getting

acquainted by going around the room, each telling the others some things about his or her childhood. Alice’s turn came and she spoke to us hesitantly:

“When I was a tiny little girl, I was put in an orphanage. I wasn’t pretty, and no one wanted me. I can recall longing to be adopted and loved by a family, but I tried too hard to please everybody who came to look me over, and all I did was drive people away. Then one day the head of the orphanage told me a family was going

to take me home with them. I was so excited I jumped up and down and cried. The matron reminded me that I was on trial and that it might not be a perma-nent arrangement. But I just knew it would be. So I went with this fam-ily and started school in their town – a very happy little girl. And life began to open up for me, just a little.

“But one day, a few months later, I skipped home from school and ran in the front door of the big old house we lived in. No one was

home, but there in the middle of the front hall was my battered old suitcase with my little coat thrown over it. It slowly dawned on me what it meant – THEY DIDN’T WANT ME! And I hadn’t even suspected …”

Alice stopped speaking, but we didn’t notice. We were each standing in that front hall, looking at the battered suitcase and trying not to cry. Then Alice cleared her throat and said almost matter-of-factly, “That happened to me seven times before I was 13 years old.”

Alice looked around, surprised and touched at our response to her story. But

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she held up her hand and shook her head slightly, in a gesture to stop us from feeling sorry for her. “Don’t,” she said with a genuinely happy smile. “I needed my past. You see – it brought me to God.”

KEITH MILLER

IT’S ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE:• Lifeis10%whathappenstoyouand90%

how you respond. It’ll either make you bitter or better – the choice is yours

• Two men looked out through prisonbars. One saw mud, the other saw stars. (Frederick Langbridge)

• Wherever you go, no matter whatthe weather, always bring your own sunshine. (Anthony D’Angelo)

• It’snevertoolatetobewhatyoumighthave become. (George Elliot)

• Turnyourfacetothesunandtheshadowsfall behind you. (Maori proverb)

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• A positive attitude may not solve allyour problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. (Herm Albright)

• I’vedecidedthatthestufffallingthroughthe cracks is confetti and I’m having a party! (Betsy Garmon)

• Just because you’re miserable doesn’tmean you can’t enjoy your life. (Annette Goodheart)

• Swallow a toad in the morning andyou will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day. (Nicholas Chamfort)

• IwishIwasaglowworm, A glow worm’s never glum. ‘Cos how can you be grumpy When the sun shines out your bum?

COULD BE WORSE …“It’s snowing still,” said Eeyore gloomily. “So it is.” “And freezing.” “Is it?” “Yes,” said Eeyore. “However,” he said, brightening up a little, “we haven’t had an earthquake lately.”

A A MILNE – ‘WINNIE THE POOH’

INEVITABLE!You can deny your age a little bit, but by violently denying your age you are denying part of yourself. You are not going to become your fulfilled self, your most fabulous self, if you are ashamed of the most ordinary and inevitable of human conditions – that we all get older.PETA MATHIAS – ‘CAN WE HELP IT IF WE’RE FABULOUS?’

BREAKFASTthe early bird catches the

worm, so it’s a good idea to start your day as soon as you can – unless, of course, you

happen to be a worm!

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AN ORIGINAL!Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to STAND OUT?

FROM THE MOVIE ‘WHAT A GIRL WANTS’

IN THE ARENAIt’s not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stum-bled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena ...whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood... who strives valiantly ...who errs and comes short again and again ... who knows the great enthusiasm, the

great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause ... who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement ... and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT

WARTS AND ALL …Psalm 67:1 “O God, in mercy bless us; let your face beam with joy as you look down at us.”

Wow! That’s a pictureto knock the socks offany fuddy-duddieswho still hold on to the imageof a dark, scowling Godwho, Dracula-likesucks the joyout of happy believersYou are so differentso goodso gloriousYou throw your arms openlong to gather us into a heartwhich beats wildlywith loveand lifeand surprisesGazing downat a new-born babeour faces break intosmiles of delightYours does the same, Godas you look at us

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SCRATCHi base most of my fashion

choices on what doesn’t itch.


ON THE ROAD …if you want to go far, go

together. if you want to go fast, go alone.

Not waiting till we’re dressed upin our best religious mannersbut right nowthis very secondas we drink a lattedo the crosswordclean the looYou don’t reserve your lovefor the rare times we’re lovableUnconditional is the wordwe’re so unused toNext time I’m tryingto polish my performanceplease remind me, Godthat transparent honestyis all you ask forSo, warts and allwith simple thankfulnessI reach out to meetyour hug andyour beaming joy

ANNA JOHNSTONE – [email protected]

THE CHOICENo revenge is more honourable than the one not taken.

SPANISH PROVERB

THE HATE-WEAPONHolding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.

MITCH ALBOM – ‘FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN’

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COURAGE the brave do not live forever – but the cautious do not live at

all! (the princess diaries)


E D M O N D S F A V O U R I T E S E D M O N D S F A V O U R I T E S ROS CAMPBELL & JILL MCFARLANE

Chicken & Asparagus Salad

Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad

SALAD DAYSTHAI-STYLE BEEF SALADPLUSHAZELNUT MERINGUE TORTE


these warmer months are the perfect time-of-year for tasty salads and yummy desserts. so treat your family and friends now with these long-time winners – from edmonds, new zealand’s best-known cookbook. Big on tradition and big on flavour!


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thAi-style Beef sAlAdDRESSING

¼ cup soy sauce

¼ cup fish sauce

1 tablespoon Amco canola oil

2 tablespoons lime or lemon juice

2 tablespoons chopped mint

2 tablespoons chopped coriander

2 cloves garlic, crushed

1 small red chilli, seeded and finely chopped

SALAD

750 g piece eye fillet steak

salt and freshly ground black pepper

Amco canola oil

2 courgettes

2 carrots

150 g green beans, trimmed and halved

1 red capsicum, seeded and thinly sliced

1 yellow capsicum, seeded and thinly sliced

12-16 cherry tomatoes, halved (or 4 regular tomatoes, quartered)

To make the dressing, combine all ingredients. Mix well. Preheat oven to 220°C. Season beef all over with a little salt and pepper. Heat oil in a heavy-based frying pan until pan is very hot. Cook beef for 3-4 minutes, turning regularly, until meat is seared all over. Transfer to a roasting dish. Bake for 10-12 minutes. The meat should be medium-rare. Set aside to cool.

Meanwhile, prepare the vegetables. Trim ends off courgettes and carrots.

Peel carrots. Using a vegetable peeler, peel long strips from the courgettes and carrots. Plunge into boiling water for 10 seconds to blanch. Tip into a sieve and refresh under cold running water. Blanch beans in the same way for 30 seconds. Tip into a sieve and refresh under cold running water. Slice beef thinly. Place all salad ingredients in a bowl. Pour over dressing and toss to combine.

Serves 4-6


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FREE copies of this classic book will be sent to the first 10 readers who write and request one from Grapevine, Private Bag

92124, Auckland. So act now! (first-time winners only)

seleCted from the edmonds illustrAted

ColleCtion

400 economical, great-tasting, easy-to-prepare,

nutritious recipes!

hAzelnut merinGue torte8 egg whites

2 cups caster sugar

1 teaspoon DYC white vinegar

1 teaspoon vanilla essence

1 tablespoon Edmonds Fielder’s cornflour

½ cup roasted, shelled hazelnuts, finely chopped

2 tablespoons cocoa

whipped cream

whole hazelnuts and chocolate shavings to garnish

Preheat oven to 180°C. Draw three 20cm round circles on baking paper. Lay baking paper on oven trays. Using an electric mixer, beat egg whites and caster sugar for 10-15 minutes or until thick and glossy. Mix vinegar, vanilla essence and cornflour to a smooth paste. Add to meringue. Beat on high speed for a further 3 minutes. Fold in hazelnuts and cocoa.

Divide meringue evenly between the

three circles, spreading to within 2cm of the edge. Place meringue circles in oven. Turn oven temperature down to 100°C. Bake for 70 minutes. Turn off oven. Open oven door slightly and leave meringues in oven until cold. Carefully lift a meringue disc onto a serving plate. Smother with whipped cream, then top with another meringue disc. Cover with more whipped cream and top with remaining meringue disc. Cover top of torte with whipped cream.

Garnish with whole hazelnuts and chocolate shavings.

Serves 8

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mike Cooney ChAts With this tv1 WeAthermAn, fly-yourself pilot And pAssionAte fAmily Guy …

Jim Hickey



1A great night out for you would go like …? JIM: Well, to be honest, I don’t

really go out. So a great night out would be sitting at home with my wife and daughter, watching a bit of telly and hav-ing a BBQ. When you’re in the weather business, you keep your head down – which means you don’t go out much!

2Who do you most admire, and why? JIM: There are a couple of guys

who work for an organisation called Drug-Arm. They go into the city during the weekend and take a little van with soup and buns and find some of these kids who’re wasted on ‘P’, solvent abuse etc. They feed them and talk to them and pray with them – and it can take months and sometimes years to make a connection. But I’ve heard some amazing stories about how they’ve rescued some of these kids out of hopelessly addicted lifestyles and got them into family homes that care for them. These are the sorts of people I admire.

3number one key to a great marriage?JIM: Well, there are two of them:

one is to listen – and the other is to give. Because, as my wise father once said, “If you give, then the taking takes care of itself …” which is pretty profound.

4Who’s your hero?JIM: My dad. He died last year. He was a great man – a father,

husband, farmer, Spitfire pilot in the war, married 60 years to Mum (she died five months later). He was a rock for the

family – honest and forthright, and a bit of a practical joker. If I turn out to be half the man he was, I’ve done pretty well.

5What’s the hardest thing about being a dad?

JIM: Balancing your time with the everyday requirements of your job, paying accounts, working on the house. My three kids have grown up, and I wish I’d spent more time with them. Before I knew it they’d flown the nest and were gone.

6.… and the best thing?JIM: Seeing your children happy, healthy and successful – and I

don’t necessarily mean financially. They’ve all done well with their careers. One of my daughters is married, another has two children – so I’m a grandfather, which is a real thrill!

Granddad and Xavier


7What’s your fondest memory growing up? JIM: I was raised on a dairy farm

and I remember mucking around in the cowshed. We’d drink the milk straight out of the teat and you’d get it all over your face! I was quite young when dad was farming, and after milking we’d go down to the river and fish for trout and eels. I remember riding on the tractor when dad was haymaking and helping put hay into the barn. We spent most of our time in bare-feet, running through the bush, building huts … and there were the big roaring log-fires in wintertime. Growing up on that farm in Taranaki was really special, and things happened there that equipped us for the rest of our lives.

8What’s the first thing that comes into your mind when i say …?

Politics … JIM: Procrastination and prevarication.Religion … A scourge, because it has nothing to do with Christianity.God … The way, the truth and the life.

Sex … Very handy, because sociologically it’s the best pressure-release valve that mankind has access to!Global Warming … Has been openly embraced – but I think should be viewed with a far more circumspect attitude.

9What’s the first thing you’d change about nz if you could?

JIM: I’d have signs all over the motorway saying, ‘SLOWER TRAFFIC MOVE LEFT!’

10 What’s the greatest piece of advice you could give to a

young dad? JIM: Firstly, I’d say, think of what your wife has gone through in terms of childbirth! And secondly, treasure every moment with your child. If you’re like most dads, you’ll spend a lot of time away from home with work and other activities. But many dads miss out. When they turn back to spend quality time with their kids it’s too late. You’ve got to be doing this from day one. If you start early with planting seed – spending time and showing affection to your kids – you’ll reap the rewards big time!

Jim and Sue

High-flyer


WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A MAN

mike Cooney is A GrApevine stAff-Writer. ‘sCruBCutters’ Are rAdio spots – produCed By CBA, And heArd By 180,000 people eACh WeekdAy, on the neWstAlkzB netWork.

Throw a left hook? This is 1993!’ “But that’s a womanly view of

manhood,” he says.Now,whilewe’renolongerin1993,

what he wrestles with is as true today and it was then. There’s a growing search for authentic masculinity.

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COMEDIAN GARRISON Keillor, in his collection of short stories called The Book of Guys,

said he realised he wasn’t being honest about himself as a man. So he decided to sit down and make a list of his strengths and weaknesses.

Under the heading ‘Useful Things I Can Do’ he wrote:• benice• makeabed• digahole• writebooks• singaltoorbass• readamap• driveacar.

Under the heading ‘Useful Things I Can’t Do’ he wrote:• chopdownbigtreesand

cut them into firewood• handleahorse,trainadog,

or tend a herd of animals• handleaboatwithout

panicking the others• load,shootandcleanagun,ora

bow-&-arrow … or use either of them (or a spear, net, snare, boomer-ang or blowgun) to obtain meat

• defendmyselfwithmybarehands.

He goes on to say: “Maybe it’s an okay report card for a person, but I don’t know any persons. For a guy, it’s not good. A woman would go down the list and say, ‘What does it matter if a guy can handle a boat? Bag a deer?

Something real. Not watered down or new-aged. Not macho or muscle-bound. It’s that mysterious ‘something’ that lets blokes know they’ve got what it takes to be a man.

New Zealand needs men that know that, I reckon …


Alaska’s Frozen Jurassic Park

staggering! there’s no other word for it. And silent! utterly, awesomely silent. A shh-don’t-talk, other-worldly kind of silence that’s broken only by an occasional sound the tlingit indians call “white thunder”. A massive rolling, rumbling sound. followed by a gunshot-like crack that tells you a glacier is calving …



W e’re in Alaska, North America’s Final Frontier, famous for whales and wildlife, teetering

peaks and crunching ice. And there’s no point exaggerating because everything we’ve seen so far on this rugged, rocky coast is pinch-me-please stunning!

Take Monday morning. While people at home were eating breakfast, we were out on deck whale-watching. It was a chilly, sea-misty day, with low cloud cloaking the forested shoreline and almost-but-not-quite hiding the mountain peaks. And we reached the town of Juneau without having spotted a single flapping whale.

But that was about to change …Juneau (Alaska’s charming capital)

is home to indigenous Indians with colourful totem-poles. And visitors come here from all over to kayak, dog-sled, raft, sightsee, fish, and explore the lush Tongass National Park. We wandered the town and poked around some end-of-season sales, then climbed aboard a jet-powered catamaran.

These inky-black island-studded waters are home to seals, sea-lions, bald eagles,

blacktail deer – and they’re the feed-ing grounds of humpback whales. And we wasted no time spotting their telltale spouting. Before you knew it, we were right amongst these giants of the deep – mothers, mainly, and their young calves, lolling on the surface (their signature humps showing proudly) … then diving lazily for food, their huge tail-flukes wav-ing in the air.

I don’t know what those majestic mam-mals thought of us humans, rushing eagerly from one side of the boat to the other, searching, shouting, pointing, and aiming our cameras in all directions at once, but we were utterly captivated by them.

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And a close-up look at a beachful of yawning, roaring, rioting sea-lions simply added to the magic on our way home!

T uesday found us up the end of another beautiful fjord – in Skag-way, one-time kick-off point for

the hectic Klondike Gold Rush. It was late 1800s, and Skagway (crammed with shops, banks, hotels, dance halls and saloons) was overflowing with gold-panners, storming up every valley and sloshing through every creek in search of the promised yellow ore that lay waiting to be plucked.

A strong, bitingly cold wind got us throwing on coats and scarves, and it wasn’t hard to imagine the frightful conditions way back then. We’d chosen end-of-summer – but those hopeful prospectors had to endure freeze-your-butt-off winters.

We grabbed a ride on the antique White Pass & Yukon narrow-gauge rail-way and clattered off between silvery-purple mountains, across rickety bridges and through once-popular spots like Deadhorse Gulch.

We even tried our hand at gold-panning – and came away with a few shiny, lucky specks in tiny plastic bags!

But Tuesday wasn’t finished with us yet. We also got to ride a helicopter (in convoy with other helicopters) up-up-up into Alaska’s spectacular mountains – where we eyeballed jagged peaks, tortured

valleys, cascading waterfalls and massive glaciers, before landing on one of them, the mighty Meade Glacier, for a guided walking tour.

You couldn’t help feeling a certain rev-erence as you stepped out onto the ice … knowing that this surreal landscape had taken thousands of years to form. We clomped around in oversized glacier-boots, gazed into the distance, tasted pure meltwater, tried not to fall down spooky-blue crevasses, and kept muttering: “This is fantastic – absolutely FANTASTIC!”

T oday, Wednesday, we donned long undies, warm layers and woolly hats as we cruised slowly into the World

Heritage Park known famously as Glacier Bay. Only 200 years ago, these shorelines were themselves buried under an impossi-bly-thick icy slab. And, today, more glaciers


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A DOUBLE CRUISE IN NTH AMERICA

are you a fun-loving

MIDLIFERwho’s keen to

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Grapevine’s John & Robyn Cooney sneak away

with a bunch of like-minded friends on MIDLIFE MADNESS ADVENTURES

to places like those described in this article.

If you want to find out more phone 0800 277 477 or

email [email protected] or visit www.johncooney.co.nz

Promoted by Lion World Travel with benefit to Grapevine Magazine

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Sept 2011 28 days includingGallipoli & Anzac Cove

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meet their end in these chilly waters than anyplace else in the world.

Alaska’s ‘rivers-of-ice’ (like the one we walked on yesterday) began life some 4000 years ago, as frozen snow – 10 times denser than the iceblocks in your fridge. When their packed-down weight got too much they began inching downhill, reshaping the landscape and gathering rubble on the way. And when their front-ends (often kilometres wide) finally reached the sea, they began breaking up …

It’s called ‘calving’. It happens with a thunderous roar, when a huge chunk of glacier splits off and crashes into the Bay – shooting torrents of water high in the air, and rocking your boat if you’re close!

And when that submerged chunk of glacier pops back up to the surface – behold, an iceberg is born!

It happens every gob-stopping, eye-popping day in Alaska …

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people this close together, there are going to be sparks – of course there are!”

As another expert puts it: “You have problems? That’s normal. All couples do. As a matter of fact, it’s a good thing. Those who make a success of their marriage are those who tackle their prob-lems together and overcome them. Those who lack the courage to do that are the ones whose marriage is a failure.”

Get the message? It’s not arguments that spoil your love – it’s how you argue. Those punch-ups in the pantry don’t have to end in divorce. And plenty of suc-

cessfully married couples have learnt how to fight fair.Listening without interrupting, for example. It’s harder than it sounds. Most of us find it easier to talk, lecture or preach. And even when we let our partner have a say, it’s tempting to want to butt in with explanations, justifica-tions or solutions.

But listening’s worth the effort. And

PUNCH-UP IN THE PANTRY

Y OU THOUGHT COUPLES should learn not to fight, didn’t you. Surely, two people who love

each other shouldn’t argue?Maybe – if you prefer the Hollywood

myth! But according to Auckland counsellor

Patrick Doherty, “Intimacy is an invi-tation to conflict – not an invitation to happily-ever-after. When you put two

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year. (viCtor BorGe)

SMILE … #1


WANT TO READ MORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ ... GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2000, ISSUE 2 … & FIND ‘PUNCH-UP IN THE PANTRY’

you’ll be surprised (and relieved!) how powerful a tool it can be. In fact, Patrick Doherty encourages couples to make an agreement about their disagreements: 1. “You say whatever you want to say,

and I’ll keep my mouth closed and my ears open – I’ll let you talk it through, without getting defensive or excusing my behaviour.

2. “Next, I’ll let you know somehow that you make sense – instead of criticising you, like I would’ve in the past.

3. “Finally, I’ll search out how you’re feeling, whether you’re angry, or sad,

“I know,” he replied. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour!”

foot-in-mouth:MIKE’S GIRLFRIEND

AFTER DIRECTORY ASSIS-tance gave me my boyfriend’s new telephone number, I dialled

him – and got a woman.“Is Mike there?” I asked.“He’s in the shower,” she responded.“Please tell him his girlfriend called,”

I said and hung up.When he didn’t return the call, I

dialled again. This time a man answered. “This is Mike,” he said.

“You’re not my boyfriend!” I exclaimed.

SMILE … #2

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give them a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to

sort it out for themselves. (douGlAs AdAms)

or feeling this is a waste of time – I’ll try and take your emotional pulse.

4. “And when I’ve got that right, then it’s my turn to tell you where I’m at …”You see, most of us don’t expect

miracles. We just want someone who’ll hear our frustrations and try to under-stand …

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“I’LL NEVER FORGET the night our daugh-ter was brought home

drunk. Not just drunk, but stone-cold unconscious. Her boyfriend carried her inside and put her in the bathroom. And when I saw her lying there on the tiles I freaked. I honestly thought she was dead!

“We did the only thing we could think of – we called the ambulance. And they brought her around pretty quick. For them it was routine. They see drunk kids every weekend. But I couldn’t sleep that night. The why-why-why ques-tions wouldn’t stop going around in my head …”

Most Kiwis like a drink. It’s a part of our culture. A quiet ale on a Friday night … a glass of vino at a local café … a bot-tle of your favourite exotic brew in front of telly. It’s all pretty harmless, isn’t it?

Well, maybe. But maybe not. Accord-ing to the experts, our Kiwi drinking habits are costing us dearly – somewhere between $1 billion and $4 billion a year.

The problem, you see, is that we don’t drink in a steady, measured fashion. We’re a nation that prides itself on ‘BINGE DRINKING’. And, as this dad (above) discovered, Kiwi young people are pretty darn good at it!

Kiwi teenagers (12 to 17 year-olds) fall into four main ‘drink’ categories:

CurrentNon-Drinkers–50%ofall1. young people.SupervisedDrinkers–13%ofyoung2. people; they drink only a few times a

year, at home, and mainly with their parents/whanau.Social Binge Drinkers – 22% of3. young people; they drink regularly (at least once every two weeks) and binge with their friends during week-ends and holidays (mainly for the social benefits: comradeship, a sense of belonging, confidence, etc).UncontrolledBingeDrinkers–15%4. of young people; they drink more regularly (at least once every week) and binge frequently with the aim of getting drunk.How can you tell if you’re a ‘binge

drinker’? Well, ‘bingeing’ is where you drink five or more standard drinks in one drinking session. And while many drinkers claim they can handle a lot more, it’s enough to begin the damage …

youthful info:DRUNK ISN’T FUNNY!

WANT TO READ MORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ ... … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2006, ISSUE 3 … & FIND ‘DRUNK ISN’T FUNNY’


Yes, he knows where it’s at But forgets what it’s for.So your gallbladder’s gone, But your gout lingers on, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you’re hungry, he’s not, When you’re cold, he is hot, Then you start that old thermostat war.When you turn out the light, He goes left and you go right, Then you get his great symphonic snore.He was once so romantic, So witty and smart; How come he ended up such A cranky old fart?So don’t take any bets,It’s as good as it gets,Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? lAdies & Gentlemen: elvis hAs left the BuildinG!

IF ELVIS HAD LIVED HE would’ve been 74 this year. He might’ve re-written his famous

song. And that Senior Citizen Version might’ve gone something like this (why don’t you sing along?):

Are you lonesome tonight? Does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?Does your memory stray, To that bright sunny day, When you had all your teeth and your gums?Is your hairline receding? Your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, And it’s prostate for him. Does your back give you pain? Do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up? Good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine?All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot. Helps you run like A well oiled machine. If it’s football or baseball, He sure knows the score.

nostalgia trip:ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?

SMILE … #3

I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.

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WANT TO READ MORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ ... GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2003, ISSUE 3 … & FIND ‘PARANOID PARENTING’

warning signs:PARANOID PARENTING!

EXPERTS ARE NOW IN-charge of raising kids – and ordi-nary mums and dads are more

freaked-out and panic-stricken than they’ve ever been. So says Frank Furedi, UK author of Paranoid Parenting.

Just think about it. Whatever happened to carefree childhood? To summer games of hide-&-seek along the river bank? To sling-shots made out of old inner-tubes? To tree-huts and pup-tents and midnight-feasts in the backyard?

Furedi: These days just about everything carries a health-warning. And lots of parents are really worried – all the time! They’re convinced they must supervise their kids every second of the day because they’re at-risk of being kidnapped or molested. They’re suspicious and distrustful, continually expecting the worst. And it wears them out.

Somewhere here in England, just recently, there were a number of acci-dents with girls skipping – bruised their knees, I suppose – so they’ve now banned skipping ropes!

You can see where it’s leading. The best way to prevent playground injuries is to close the playground – and the best way to stop cycling accidents is to never let kids ride bikes!

Grapevine: Are more children being hurt in accidents than in the past?

Furedi: No. All the real evidence shows just the opposite. We’re living longer. Our kids are healthier. They have fewer accidents. And we have bet-ter medical procedures to deal with those accidents.

I think what’s changed is our toler-ance for any kind of adversity – that’s become much lower.

Grapevine: So what’s this doing to our kids?

Furedi: Well, we’re robbing them of the chance to learn how to manage risk. Kids need challenges – and the kind of pressure that comes with challenges. Kids learn some very important skills through experiences that stretch them. It makes them aware of their strengths and weaknesses.

If they’re insulated from every possible danger, then the way they develop will be stunted. They’ll lack a sense of inde-pendence – and they’ll lack the maturity to deal with the bigger problems the world will send along later on …


GRAPEPUZZLE SOLUTIONS (See Sudoku puzzles on Page 25)

MEDIUM HARD

7 6 8 4 9 3 1 7 6 5 32 9 5

5 1 8 7 9 1 6 1 9 8 6 4

7 6 9 2 3 5 8 1 4 1 2 5 8 4 9 3 7 6 3 8 4 1 7 6 2 5 9 6 9 1 7 5 8 4 2 32 7 8 3 1 4 9 6 54 5 3 6 9 2 1 8 78 4 2 9 6 7 5 3 1 5 3 6 4 2 1 7 9 8 9 1 7 5 8 3 6 4 2

Grapevine 4/2009 – Grapepuzzles

SUDOKU NUMBERS GAME #1 – MEDIUM

SOLUTION – to go on p.67

4 8 6 2 8 1 2 7 9 3

6 5 2 3 1 7

4 6 9 7 3 1

8 3 5 9

4 7 8 1 3 6 9 5 2 9 2 3 4 5 8 1 7 6 6 5 1 2 7 9 4 8 3 7 8 6 5 1 2 3 4 93 1 2 7 9 4 8 6 55 9 4 8 6 3 2 1 71 3 5 9 4 7 6 2 8 2 4 9 6 8 5 7 3 1 8 6 7 3 2 1 5 9 4

Grapevine 4/2009 – Grapepuzzles

SUDOKU NUMBERS GAME #2 – HARD

SOLUTION – to go on p.67

male vs female:BATTLE OF THE SEXES

Y OU MIGHT NOT REALISE this, but a lot of ordinary about-home or about-town objects

are actually either male or female. For example:

FREEZER BAGS are male: they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female: once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.

TYRES are male: they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.

SPONGES are female: they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEBSITES are female: they get looked at constantly and frequently hit on.

TRAINS are male: they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG-TIMERS are female: all the weight eventually shifts to the bottom.

A REMOTE CON-TROL is female: it eas-ily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without

it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push

he never stops trying.

SMILE … #4

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for just a few dollars. (fred Allen)

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

(Helen Keller)

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Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

(Helen Keller)

grapevine, issue 4 2009

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