grapevine issue 2, 2011

IssuE 2 2011

plus ...THEBULLY,THEBULLIED&THEBYSTANDER

free-range kids Turningthetideonover-protectiveparenting

ARE YOU MISSING OUT ON GRAPEVINE?get your own copy free for a year (see p34/35)

• diary of a colonoscopy• rugby legend Colin Meads• crossing the Tongariro• the never-changing Nile

2 Grapevine – iSSUe 2/2011

It’s a global problem, one of the most worrying issues of our day. And it often results in intense personal misery that can ruin a life forever. What are the warning signs? Is there anything we can do? Can we keep kids safe? We ask author/educator Barbara Coloroso …

Crime is down, diphtheria has been vanquished, polio is a thing of the past, our water supply is clean, and it’s the safest time in the history of the world to be a child – at least in first-world countries. But we’re squandering it, claims Lenore Skenazy, with over-protective parenting!

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14 Free-RangeKids

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38 TheBully,TheBullied&TheBystander

14 Free-RangeKids

pick of the Bunch ........................... 4you ain’t gonna Believe this .............. 8from where I sit ............................. 9sherman’s lagoon ..........................11grapepuzzles ...............................22scrubcutters … ......................23 & 57home-sweet-home .........................36stillpoint ....................................46spot the difference .......................52families unlimited .........................62

Managing Editor:John Cooneyassociate Editors:Mike CooneyPaul Freedmanpromotions Manager:Frances Coventrydistribution Manager:Brent Curtisdesign: Craig HaythornthwaiteCCL Communications Groupprint: PMP Printdelivery: PMP Distributionwebsite:www.grapevine.org.nzPublished by Grapevine Communications Society Ltd.All correspondence toPrivate Bag 92124,Victoria Street West,Auckland 1142, New Zealand.Phone: 09 813 4956Fax: 09 813 4957Email: [email protected]

our mission:To promote stable, loving relationships ... to tackle family hurts and headaches in a positive, helpful way ... to inject fun, hope and wholeness into homes all over the country.

sponsor grapevine:Make sure your home and/or your street don’t miss out. See page 34 & 35.

Copyright:The entire contents of this issue are copyright © June 2011. Permission to reprint must be obtained in advance.

It’s rated as the best one-day trek in New Zealand, and one of the top 10 in the world. But here I was, about to set off, with two right boots: one size nine and one size seven!

28 CrossingTheTongariro

54 Colin‘Pinetree’Meads

Imagine gliding silently, hour after hour, on the wide, still waters of this famous river, while scenes unchanged in thousands of years slip past in slow motion. Imagine …

Published four times a year to give New Zealand families a lift – 100% independent, community-based, not-for-profit.

PLUS!

This revered rugby icon and All Black legend chats about his home-life, his heroes, the game he loves, and who’s going to win the World Cup …

58 TheEver-Changing/Never-ChangingNile

Cherry White Chocolate Shortcake – 0


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Of course, the rider admits, “When she wants to do something she does it – but when she doesn’t, she doesn’t.”

The girl’s parents may soon relent and let her get a horse, but Luna, now two, will always be special. “She’ll stay my darling,” Regina says.

(Right up until the minute they eat her …)

SPOOKY!This year we have encountered (or will encounter) four unusual dates: 1/1/11 … 1/11/11 … 11/1/11 … and 11/11/11.

But wait – there’s more!

NEVER HERD ANYTHING SO FUNNY …Like many 15-year-old girls, Regina Mayer really wanted a horse, but her parents said no, even though they live on a farm in Laufen, Germany. So the girl has been training a substitute: a cow.

“She thinks she’s a horse,” Regina says, and sure enough, she rides the bovine frequently. ‘Luna’ (the cow’s name) even negotiates small jumps. It took about six months of careful training before Regina tried to get on the heifer for a ride, but now Luna even understands commands like “gallop” and “stand”.

BUCKING BOVINE & SPOOKY STATS

iSSUe 2/2011 – Grapevine 5

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.Take the last two digits of the year you

were born … add the age you will be this year … and IT WILL TOTAL (no kidding) 111!

This won’t ever happen again in your lifetime! Go figure …

YEAH, RIGHT!Things you hear (besides “The cheque is in the mail”) that probably aren’t true:• “It’s not hard to find – you can’t

miss it.”• “Don’t worry. I can still get another

40 km when the gauge is on ‘empty.’ ”• “It’snotthemoney–it’stheprincipleof

the thing.”• “Just ignore him – he’s never bitten

anyone.”• “You get this one – and I’ll pay next

time.”• “I’m from the Government, and I’m

here to help.”

SIGNZ #1:On a septic-tank truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels!”

RULE BRITANNIA?A survey of Britons found that 65% couldn’t name the city that the musical ‘Chicago’ was set in … 57% couldn’t name the location of the once-popular TV show ‘Dallas’ … 64% don’t know where the French Alps are … and 70% don’t know where the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra is based.

But don’t assume that Britons only focus their sights close to home: 66% don’t know what city the old Roger Whittaker song ‘Streets of London’ referred to either ...

The sun has officially set on the British Empire.

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS #1:Actual notations from hospital charts …• Thepatientrefusedautopsy.• Thepatienthasnoprevioushistoryof

suicides.• The patient has been depressed since

she began seeing me in 1993.• Shehasnorigorsorshakingchills,but

her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

• Patienthaschestpainifsheliesonherleft side for over a year.

• Ontheseconddaythekneewasbetter,and on the third day it disappeared.

ONLY IN AMERICA #1Some strange-but-true (and mostly out-of-date) local laws from the USA – spotted in Campus Life magazine:• InHartford,Connecticut,it’sillegalto

educate a dog.• InJasper,Alabama,it’sillegaltoweara

fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

• InAlaska,it’sagainstthelawtowakeasleeping bear to take its photograph.

• In Chicago, it’s against the law to gofishing in your pyjamas.

• In South Bend, Indiana,monkeys arenot allowed to smoke cigarettes.

• In Minnesota, women who imper-sonate Santa Claus may face 30 days in jail.

• InProvidence,RhodeIsland,it’sillegalto throw pickle juice on a trolley.

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS #1:Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he round-house-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.


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.and keep them as ostriges until the war is over. Some prisners end up in conster-pation camps.

Maths:• “The total iswhen you add up all the

numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls santa on his slay.”

• “Iwould like to be an accountant butyou have to know lots about moths.”

Geography:• “The closest town to France is Dover.

YoucangettoFranceonatrainoryoucan go on a fairy.”

• “Ingeographywelearnedthatcountrieswith sea round them are islands and ones without sea are incontinents.”

Religious Studies:• “A mosque is a sort of church. The

main difference is that its roof is doomed.”

• “Iaskedmymumwhywesaid‘oldmen’attheendofprayers.Idon’tknowanyold men apart from Grandpa.”

SIGNZ #3:On a wrecker’s truck: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

iTROUBLES:This father, you see, got his oldest daughter an iPhone for her birthday. He also got an iPad for his son. And, later, an iPod for his youngest girl.

So when his wedding anniversary rolled around, he got his wife an iRon …

That’s when the fight began.

SIGNZ #2:At a tyre shop: “Invite us to your nextblowout.”

FLYING LESSON?His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go!” The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valleyandmakelowpassessoIcantakepicturesof the fires on the hillsides.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.“BecauseI’maphotographerforCNN,”

he responded, “and I need to get someclose-up shots.”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “So,what you’re tellingme is…you’reNOTmy flight instructor?”

ESSAY EXCERPTS FROM BRITISH CLASSROOMSHistory:• “Inwartime childrenwho lived in big

cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.”

• “Sometimesinthewartheytakeprisners

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS #3:Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS #2:


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TEXAS HO-DOWN A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. As he fled out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face.

The robber turned and shot the customer without a moment’s hesita-tion. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers staring at him. Taking aim, the robber shot him, too.

Everyone else, by now very scared, had their eyes fixed on the floor. The robber snarled, “Well? Did anyone else see my face?”

There was a long moment of silence, with everyone afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy, still keeping his head down, raised his hand cautiously and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you …”

MORE YEAH, RIGHT!A few more things people tell you that probably aren’t true:• “Thiswillpayforitselfinnotimeatall.”• “I’llcallyourightback.”• “Theengine’ssupposedtomakethat

noise.”• “Wedon’tneedtoaskfordirections–

I know exactly where we are.”• “Congratulations! You’ve just won an

all expenses paid trip to the destination of your choice. No strings attached.”

• “No,ofcoursethosepantsdon’tmakeyour bum look big.”

• Andsadly,“I’llbeprayingforyou.”

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS #2:More actual notations from hospital charts …• The patient is tearful and crying

constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

• Discharge status: Alive but withoutpermission.

• Patient has left white blood cells atanother hospital.

• Healthy seemingly decrepit 69-yearold male, mentally alert but forgetful.

• Patient had waffles for breakfast andanorexia for lunch.

• Sheisnumbfromhertoesdown.

SIGNZ #4:In a podiatrist’s office: “Timewoundsallheels.”

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS #4:When you say “No-one’s perfect” … Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

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•Anadultmaleostrich,theworld’slargestlivingbird,canweighupto150kilos.

•WilmaFlintstone’smaidennamewasWilmaSlaghoopal.

•Snoringcanreachupto69decibels–almostasloudasapneumaticdrill.

•Onaverageyoulosebetween40and100strandsofhairaday.

•Houseflieshuminthemiddleoctave,keyofF.

•Theaveragepersonfallsasleepinsevenminutes.

•Cookingandfreezingdoesn’taffecttheheatofachilli-pepper.

•Pigssquealwithinarangeof100to115decibels.

•Duringpregnancy,theaveragewoman’suterusexpandsuptofivehundredtimesitsnormalsize.

•Aviolincontainsabout70individualpiecesofwood.

•MelBlanc(thevoiceofBugsBunnyinallthosecartoons)wasallergictocarrots.

•Therearetwiceasmanypeopleontheplanettodayastherewerein1960.

•Mencanreadsmallerprintthanwomen.Womencanhearbetter.

•3%ofthepeoplewhoreadthislistwillgotothetroubleofrecordingsomeonesnoring,thencompareitwiththenoiseofapneumaticdrill.

Anadultmaleostrich,theworld’slargestliving


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Gorsebush

It was a kitten, just two days old, its eyes still closed, its ears just bumps. It had been found, abandoned,

under a gorse-bush, and it obviously needed a home.

“But SOMEONE ELSE’S home!” I insisted …

My wife, you see, is a big softy where babies are concerned, and I’ve been forced to harden my heart. “We’ve done our dash with pets,” I declared. And she knew, deep down, I was right.

A compromise was eventually reached: she would feed the kitten and keep it for a week – then give it to our daughter, who was recovering from the flu. And, in good faith, I agreed.

My wife engaged her grandkids to help find the kitten a name. But when the vet made a guess – “It’s a boy!” – I took it upon myself to christen the newcomer ‘GORSEBUSH’.

I remained aloof through the first day or so. But my wife, her mother-instincts on high alert, was in her element. She

Googled galore, converted a cardboard box into a five-star kitty-cot, tracked down some wonder-growth kitty-formula, and soon had Gorsebush drinking greedily from a medicine-dropper.

I made the mistake at one point of admitting that he was cute. But I quickly regretted that when she explained what was required of us: two-hourly feeds, right through the night – plus potty-training.

Aarrgghh!

Now, you probably already know this, but very young kittens can’t go to the toilet by themselves.

Oh no, they need help. They rely on their mother to stimulate the required activity

My wife and I have, over the years, welcomed untold pets into our household. we’ve gone beyond the call of duty when it comes to giving four-legged waifs and strays a place to live and food to eat. In fact, the animals lucky enough to be adopted by us have all had better food than I get: gourmet meals, with lashings of venison, salmon, rabbit and lamb! so when a tiny, furry, black-and-white orphan was delivered to our front door the other week, I said “thanks, but no thanks …”


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Tby licking the appropriate parts of their miniature kitten anatomy.

That’s right – licking!Which is why, if you’d been staying at

our place that week, you might have heard meprotest:“You’vegottabeJOKING!”

And, if you’d come into our bedroom at two o’clock in the morning, you might have found me lying wide-awake, while my wife sat beside me massaging Gorsebush’s tiny bum with a warm, wet flannel!

Gorsebush, it turned out, was a fast-learner with No.1s – but a non-starter with No.2s. Which was a worry, my wife informed me, because “the poor thing might die!” So, before I knew it, she was rushing him to the vet every few days for a tiny kitty enema!

As one sleepless week stretched into two, and two stretched into three, I sensed that my “final word on the subject” was being ignored. Little kitty toys were appearing throughout the house, the cardboard box was replaced with the cat-equivalent of a Sleepyhead mattress, and tiny tins of pussy-mousse turned up mysteriously in our fridge.

“I hope you aren’t getting attached to this thing,” I warned. But when Gorse-bush finally did a pooh – accompanied by celebratory high-fives and a chorus of

John (gRapEVInE’s foundER/EdItoR) RECalls REadIng soMEwhERE that “dogs haVE ownERs, But Cats haVE staff”. and hE has a funny fEElIng that goRsEBush … soRRy, MIttEns … Is plannIng to takE oVER.

“What-a-clever-wee-boy!” – I knew I was in trouble.

Two months have now passed. Our hyperactive little orphan has had its first injection – and was rewarded

with yet another item of furniture: a kitten-sized, three-story, fully-carpeted playpen! And, just last week, the vet changed his mind: our boy is actually a girl – so Gorsebush has been given a more feminine-sounding name: ‘Mittens’.

Mittens has taken to climbing up my leg while I’m watching TV, then falling asleep draped around my neck. And, just two minutes ago, while I was typing these words, she took a walk on my keyboard – producing her first sentence: kkkkkjjjggkgssddddduuu==========.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My hard heart hasn’t softened, and my resolve hasn’t weakened. We don’t need another cat, and that’s not likely to change.

But, look, I guess one more week won’t hurt.

There’salwaysalottobethankfulfor,ifyoutake

timetolookforit.Forexample,I’mstandingherethinkinghowniceitisthatwrinklesdon’thurt.


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free-range kids Turningthetideonover-protectiveparenting

by Mike Cooney


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GRAPEVINE: Can you define what you meanby‘free-range’?Yousee,that’softenhow we buy our eggs …LENORE: That’s where I got the word! Originally my husband suggested we call it ‘cage-free’ – but ‘free-range’ sounded a little less bizarre!

‘Free-RangeKids’is just a commonsense approach to parenting in over-protective times. And, personally, I interpret that as being just old-fashioned childhood – recognising that today’s world (in terms

of crime) is no less safe than when most of us parents were growing up. GRAPEVINE: You talk about crime-rates going down – is that true for most Western countries? LENORE: It is in America and Canada – and I think Australia, too.

In America, the crime-rate is down to the levels of 1973! It just keeps going down! And yet, when I talk to parents, they often say they’d love their kids to have the kind of freedom they had: riding their bikes,

the world is a dangerous place. scary even. and, somehow, we’re supposed to raise our beloved children amongst all the chaos and gunfire! as parents, we carry the awesome responsibility of getting our kids through to adulthood relatively

unscathed – doing our best to keep them safe from the myriad of sexual predators,

water hazards and sharp kitchen objects.to be honest, it’s a wonder we even let them out of the house – such are the dangers and pitfalls of the wild outdoors … In this age of CsI-styled television, media sensationalism and fear-based marketing, many parents are wrapping their precious cherubs up in cotton-wool – afraid of what might happen. helicopter-parenting (think hovering!) has become rampant, and the good ol’ days of “be back before dark!” appear to have gone forever.Enter lenore skenazy! labelled ‘America’s Worst Mum’ (see panel, p17), she’s begun a crusade to turn back the tide of over-protective parenting. her controversial book ‘Free-Range Kids’ has been a huge success, bringing some much-needed balance to modern mums and dads. we tracked her down in new york. and she gave us some insights on how to raise safe, self-reliant kids – while not going nuts with worry.

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walking to school, playing outside with their friends until the street-lights came on. But they can’t do it because “times have changed …”

Then I surprise themand say, “Yes, Iagree – times have changed. Times are actually safer now than when we were growing up!” And they nearly always disagree, saying it doesn’t feel as safe. And you know what? It’s true – it doesn’t feel as safe.

But that’s just feelings. And that’s because our lives have been inundated with so much terrible news. Everything from 24 hour CNN to Law&Order to CSI… all this relentless misery that sells so well. And we end up believing that it’s

we turn off the TV and say, “What a crazy world we live in!” We become convinced that we actually live in that world.

But we don’t – and I have proof that we don’t!

I know a guy whose home is in the area where they often film Law&Order here inNewYork.It’sanice,quietneighbour-hood – and the irony is that, because it’s so nice, so pleasant, so safe, they can film there! But, when you see it on TV, you see it with some horrible kidnapping or dead body!

Funnily enough, people have actually said to me, “How dare you let your son ride the subway? Don’t you watch Law & Order?”

Parents often say they’d love their kids to have the kind of freedom they had. But they can’t do it because “times have changed …” Then I surprise them and say, “Yes, I agree – times have changed. Times are actually

safer now than when we were growing up!”

actually as bad outside as it is inside on the television!GRAPEVINE: So how do we get things back into perspective? I doubt if we can convince many people to throw away their TV sets!LENORE: Someone wrote to my blog with this great analogy: If a Martian came to earth and wanted to understand what life is like down here, you could give him this choice: Does he want to know how 99.99% of people live their lives? Or does he want to know about the 0.01%?

Chances are he’d want to hear about the 99.99%. But when we turn on the TV, we see the 0.01% – the horrible stories that make the news, the horrible plots that keep us glued to Law&Order. And then

GRAPEVINE: So is that the problem? We confuse TV with real life, and end up being motivated by fear? LENORE: Not just motivated – it’s like we’re infiltrated by fear. We’re surrounded by scary, worst-case-scenarios! I gave a lecture just last night about how you can pretty-much sell parents anything if you convince them that their children are going to be snatched!

There are commercials where I live for these GPS devices. The commercials say, “You’reat the foodcourtwithDanny…youlookup,tryingtodecidewhethertohave the taco or the burrito … and when youlookdown,where’sDanny?” And they make you believe that, in the blink of an eye, Danny could be gone!


In Europe, a commercial for another GPS device shows a mum driving her son to school, and for some reason (because something bad has to happen!) she lets him out a block from the school gate. Sure enough, when the boy looks up he’s facing some tall, mean, horrible guy – and the next thing you see (within a split second) he’s in the trunk of the guy’s car! In the following scene, the car’s under an overpass and the man is pulling up his pants. But, thank God, the SWAT team’s arriving, because while he was in the trunk the little boy had the presence of mind to text: “Mum,I’minatrunk–comeget me!”GRAPEVINE: That sounds crazy!LENORE: It is crazy! But if you’re surrounded by those images …

Look, I often hear from people on my website who, after grocery shopping, put their child in the car and then go to return the trolley. When they get back, there’s

somebody yelling at them, “Why did you leave your child in the car – he could be snatched!” I mean, it becomes this actual mania on the part of people! They really believe that we’re living in the equiva-lent of the Nazi era – when people were grabbed off the street and you never saw them again.

It upsets me, because nobody appre-ciates the fact that crime is down, that diphtheria has been vanquished, that polio is a thing of the past, that our water supply is clean, that we’re living in rela-tively peaceful times. In fact, it’s the safest time in the history of the world to be a child – at least in first-world countries. But we’re squandering it, wasting it!GRAPEVINE:This infiltration of fear … is the media to blame?LENORE: I think it’s driven by a lot of things. The media – we were talking originally about television, but then there are all the parenting books and

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.magazines – it’s really hard to sell a maga-zine if you say, “You probably don’t need this issue – all we’re going to do is include some recipes.” But if you say “Five thingsyour child should never touch!” or “Isyourchild’s cot safe?” … those things sell!

There are two fears that parenting magazines and books play on: one is fear that your children won’t develop prop-erly (or at least to their potential) – and the other is that they’ll die. For instance: there’s the germ-free soap dispenser pump … and the countless developmental DVDs … and mobiles that are black and white (otherwise your child will waste those first three months in the cot trying

electronic ‘leash’ – because your child isn’t safe walking on his own. There’s a child locator, with a piercing siren that goes off if your child gets more than 20 feet away from you. There’s a new ‘piggy-back’ device – so you can carry your child, up to age seven, around on your back all day!

It’s unbelievable what the marketplace is urging us to buy. But if they can make us think that our kids aren’t safe, they can get us believing, “I must have one of those!”

I was at a conference the other day about summer camps, and I spoke with a guy who was marketing a new thing that you strap onto your head while

Crime is down, diphtheria has been vanquished, polio is a thing of the past, our water supply is clean, we’re living in relatively peaceful times. In fact, it’s the safest time in

the history of the world to be a child – at least in first-world countries. But we’re squandering it, wasting it!

to make sense of colours, when she should just be concentrating on shapes)!

And then there’s famous Doctor Oz, who’s got a book out now about preg-nancy. He’s telling you that you should start reading to your baby when he or she is in utero! But hang on: the baby’s under water – how could it possibly understand you? And what message could it possibly get? Like, “Oh, this is theoneabout thethree little pigs!” They’re in the womb … they haven’t yet opened their eyes … they don’t know what a picture is … and they certainly don’t know what a pig is!

But there it is: the worry that your child won’t develop enough.GRAPEVINE: And the second fear – about dying?LENORE: Well, there’s the GPS device, an


ABOUT A YEAR AGO, I LET MY nine-year-old ride the subway by himself. He’d been asking us

to please take him someplace and let him find his way home by himself. So my husband and I discussed this. Our boy knows how to read a map, he speaks the language and we’re New Yorkers. We’re on the subway all the time.

That’s how it came to be that one sunny Sunday, after lunch at McDonald’s, I took him to Bloomingdales … and left him in the handbag department.

I didn’t leave him unprepared, of course! I gave him a map, a Metro-Card, coins for the phone and $20 for emergencies. Bloomingdales sits on top of a subway station on our local line, and it’s always crowded with shoppers. I believed he’d be safe. I believed he could figure out his way. And if he needed to ask someone for directions – which it turns out he did – I even believed the person would not think, “Gee, I was about to go home with my nice, new Bloomingdales’ shirt. But now I think I’ll abduct this adorable child instead.”

Long story short: he got home about 45 minutes later, ecstatic with independ-ence. I wrote a little column about his adventure – and two days later I was on the Today Show, NPR, MSNBC and Fox News defending myself as NOT “America’s Worst Mum”!

The notion was that I had deliberately put my son in harm’s way (possibly to ‘prove’ something) and I was just incred-ibly lucky that he made it home. One NPR caller asked why I had given my son “one day of fun” even though he would probably end up dead by nightfall.

I launched my blog that weekend to explain my parenting philosophy: I believe in safety. I LOVE safety – helmets, car seats, safety belts. I believe in teaching children how to cross the street and even wave their arms to be noticed. I’m a safety geek! But I also believe our kids don’t need security guards every time they leave the house.

Our kids are safer than we think, and more competent, too. They deserve a chance to stretch and grow and do what we did – stay out till the street lights come on.

swimming. It’s a band that has some sort of diode in it, and if your kid is under-water for too long – i.e. drowning – it emits some kind of piercing sound. So it’s the equivalent of the bike helmet, except for swimming.

Look, I’m scared of drowning too, and I’m not sure that device is a terrible idea. But I can assure you that once one camp gets it, you won’t want to be the camp

without it – otherwise you’ll be seen as the camp that doesn’t care if children drown …GRAPEVINE: Have you always been a ‘free-range’ parent? Did this approach come naturally?LENORE: I wish I was a totally free-range parent! But I’m still nervous about plenty of stuff. People write and say “You’re my hero! I took my children camping last

AMERICA’SWORSTMUM?


weekend with only a spear, and we hadso much fun! We cooked our own coyote – we’re just like you!” And I’m like, you’re just like me? I wish! I can’t even get my kids off the computer!

But what I’ve always trusted, I guess maybe more than the norm, is strangers. Other people. I do think that most people are good. And what I’ve always taught my kids is that you can talk to strangers – you just can’t go off with them.

For 14 years I was a tabloid reporter at the New York Daily News. And one column I wrote was called ‘Dinner atYour Place’ – where I would go and eat dinner with any DailyNewsreader who invited me over. People would ask, “Aren’tyou worried that they’re going to kill you when you get there?” And I was like, “No,they’rereallyproudoftheir lambstew,ortheir Jamaican rum cake, or whatever –and they want me to come and try it!”

And then I’d have these contests. One of them went like this: “Ifyou’regoingtobesendingyourkidscookiesatsummercamp,let’s see which ones are the best after they’ve been through the mail. So send me your cookies!” (This was great, because I was drowning in cookies – which I just love!)

But people were saying, “Aren’t youworried that they’re going to poison you?” And I was like, “No,they’rereallyproudoftheir lemon-sugar cookies!” I really think the poisoners and murderers who might try to lure you in with their favourite food are few and far between …GRAPEVINE: But something that does come naturally to most of us is that we want our kids to be safe – right?LENORE: Not only that, we want our chil-dren to achieve their potential, be happy and well-adjusted, have some friends, be

kind, and look both ways when crossing the street! It’s just a question of how you interpret the world around you, and what you think your job is as a parent.

I do think my job is to keep my kids safe. And I taught them all that stuff – to the point where they were nauseous with boredom! But, since I don’t think it’s so UNsafe to go outside, I didn’t think I had to prohibit that.

You see, there’s a trade-off. Peoplethink, “Better to be safe than sorry.” And sometimes, when you’re already safe, another modicum of safety isn’t a great leap.Yet,othertimes,there’sahugetrade-off in terms of what you’re stopping your kids from having or doing.GRAPEVINE: What sort of trade-off are you talking about? Should we be getting a little nervous about now?LENORE: Maybe! But there is a trade-off when you opt for absolute safety. A 15-year-old boy wrote to me, saying his parents won’t allow him outside because they’re worried he’ll be abducted or killed. So they drive him to school every day. And while he’s home over the holidays he has nothing to do (because he can’t go outside) except play video games and eat junk food. Which is fun for a while, but then he gets bored.

To me, the irony is: parents like this are so afraid of kidnappings that they’ve effectively kidnapped their own chil-dren! And the risk is that those kids are restless, they don’t know the world, they might be a little more naïve, they might be a little too trusting, they don’t develop their street-smarts – and they don’t gain the resilience they would from getting on the wrong bus, going to the wrong part of town, and then finding their way back.

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GRAPEVINE: How does getting on the wrong bus develop resilience?LENORE: I was in a classroom recently where the teacher had asked the students to each do a free-range project – some-thing grown-up that they hadn’t done before, but felt they were ready for. One of the kids decided to go visit his brother – and he did get on the wrong bus! He said he was frantic when he realised he was going the wrong way: “I practically screamed at the bus driver!”

He was clearly embarrassed by this, but the bus-driver explained how to get back: “Well, here’s what you do. I’m going to give you a transfer and you’re going to go

to the next corner where the street goes downtown. Then you’ll take that bus and you’ll head down …”

And so the boy went over to the down-town bus, and he got on it. However, for some reason there was a mix-up with the transfer. But once again, the bus-driver understood what was happening, and let him get on.

When he told this story in class (it was two or three months after the event), he said, “And I still have the transfer!” He opened up his wallet, took it out and showed it to the class. I asked him why he kept it, and he simply said, “Oh, it’s a souvenir.” But I realised it’s more than

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There’s a trade-off when you opt for absolute safety. Some parents are so afraid of kidnappings that they’ve

effectively kidnapped their own children! And the risk is that those kids don’t know the world, are a little more naïve,

and don’t develop their street-smarts.


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a souvenir: it’s his way of remembering that when things are terrible and you feel foolish and stupid and terrified, all is not lost! You can get yourself out of a badsituation – you’ve done it before!

That’s a gift that we want to give our kids. It’s called resilience. It’s called self-confidence – and that’s why it’s not called ‘parent-assisted confidence!’ It’s self-confidence because you have to get it yourSELF!

So when people say, “There’snotrade-off. I’d rathermy child just be safe!” – I say, there IS: you’re trading off real-life growing-up for the sake of keeping them in a bubble.GRAPEVINE: A huge number of people have applauded your book – some even calling you a national hero! But what are

GRAPEVINE: So having free-range kids doesn’t mean you no longer worry? LENORE: No, no! I worry, I worry! Everyone does – I mean, if you’ve got kids, you’re going to worry – right?

Look, if I thought my son was going to be robbed, Iwouldn’thaveputhimonthe train! But it still didn’t stop me from worrying …

The thing is, it’s rare here. Our crime rate is down to 1973 levels – and last year was the lowest murder-rate on record in NewYork City. But get this: every yearthey do a survey asking if crime is going up or down, and in the latest survey 73% of the people said “It’sgoingUP!”– even though it went down by double digits last year!

That’s what drives me crazy – perception

It’s perception versus reality, and it drives me crazy. I really feel like our minds are being polluted by people with a vested interest in making us scared. Either because it sells air-time

and keeps us glued to the TV, or because it sells a product and keeps us glued to our kids!

the most common criticisms from those who prefer the bubble?LENORE: They always say: “But what if he had died?” And that’s the question that trumps every question! I mean, if you think like that, you really can’t afford to put your kid in a car – because cars are the number one way kids die! But people don’t ask themselves, “What if Iwas theone driving and he died?”

I hear it all the time: “How could you let your son do it? Wouldn’t you feel terrible if …” And you know what? It still actually makes me feel terrible – because I don’t want to tempt fate, I’m a regular person who worries about things too!

versus reality. And I really feel like our minds are being polluted by people with a vested interest in making us scared. Either because it sells air-time and keeps us glued to the TV, or because it sells a product and keeps us glued to our kids!GRAPEVINE: You’ve come up with anumber of ‘Free-Range Commandments’– right?LENORE: Sure. And one of them is, “Fail!It’s the new ‘succeed!” Now, of course, we don’t want our kids to only fail. But if they don’t fail sometimes, they won’t learn that they can get back up and go on with their lives.

For example, we don’t want our kids to


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fall off a bike. Who does? But we do want them to learn how to ride. So we have two choices: We can hold onto their handle-bars … forever. That way they’ll never, ever fall. Or we can wish them luck and then … let go.

Chances are, if we do that, they will at some point fall. But when they get up again, they’ll have two huge things going for them: Firstly, they’ll know they can fall and get back up again. (If that’s not a life-lesson, what is?) And secondly, they’ll be learning how to actually ride a bike!

Most things in life take some tumbles before we get it right. As Thomas Edison said when asked how it felt to fail 10,000 times before he figured out the light bulb, “I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”GRAPEVINE: Got any more tips for those of us who need to take a few steps into the free-range world? LENORE: Besides reading my book, you mean? Okay, a couple more ideas:

WHAT DO YOU THINK? HAVE YOUR SAY!go to gRapEVInE’s faCEBook pagE. shaRE youR poInt-of-VIEw and REad what othERs RECkon. …

Volunteer to watch the kids who are waiting with your own kid for soccer to start, or school to open, whatever. Explain to the other parents that you’re offering them a little free time. If they say no thanks, ask them to watch your kid!

Get a little perspective on this strange, scared parenting era we are living in by visiting a baby-store with your oldest living relative. Check out all the new gadgets – like baby kneepads and infra-red video baby-monitors – and ask, “Which of these things did YOU needwhen you were raising us?” (Be prepared for a little scorn.)

Next time you’re about to watch one of those crime shows, turn off the TV and take a walk outside instead – maybe with your kids. Talk to some neighbours, look around, get a feel for the place again. THIS is the world you’re living in – not the one on TV!

Visit my website (www.freerangekids.com): you’ll find lots of stories of parents gradually letting their kids go – and the kids coming back safe and sound.

Thankfully, in our ‘enlightenment’, we seem to be returning at last to the lifestyle

enjoyed by some of those lucky, clucking, real-live chickens – the good, old-fashioned, God-given freedom to range!

Our children deserve no less …

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Sudoku Easy (solutions page 67)

Word search – Insects (solutions page 67)

5 3 1 2 6

3 2 8

7 4 9

4 1 2

6 1

6 4 3 5

6 9 3

9 7 5 4

3 7 6

S S

How To Play: Fill in the grid so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9.

Grapevine 2/2011 – Grapepuzzles

WORDSEARCH – INSECTS (SOLUTION PAGE 67)

A Q B F P H F T M W E C G Y X T L V L T H O A U N Y V O R L X N H E Y L F N O G A R D C A F K N A N D F G L K M K L H K S R O A K C A T E R P I L L A R S E T A E E B E L B M U B T G O H T I P P S C E N T I P E D E A O T U H M S P U N I Y K L S O C P U Q I H S A I E L C W K B Z H P B S D Y N T W D I B E E T L E E H O C B N X T R E Q I E B R T R U M W A V V C F K R H T O M O S R W X

SOLUTION


ANT APHID BUMBLEBEE BEETLE

BUTTERFLY CATERPILLAR CENTIPEDE COCKROACH

CRICKET DRAGONFLY FLEA GRASSHOPPER

MOSQUITO MOTH SPIDER WASP

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thinking about Valentine’s Day. My husband and I married on Valentine’s Day and it was oh-so-romantic. But it was also very clever of hubby, because it’s easy to remember our anniversary.

So I’ve decided to publicly tell him what would pop my cork on 14th February next year:

Honey, I’d just like you to greetme at the door, lead me to myfavourite chair, getme a cool drinkand massage my feet while cooking a gourmet dinner.

And if you must do it wearingnothing but an apron and a feather duster,thenbringiton!

fRanCEs CoVEntRy Is a gRapEVInE staff-wRItER. ‘sCRuBCuttERs’ aRE RadIo spots – pRoduCEd By CBa, and hEaRd By 180,000 pEoplE EaCh wEEkday, on thE nEwstalkZB nEtwoRk.

A FEW YEARS AGO, WHILEWomen’s Lib was just a trickle, there was a spate of books writ-

ten to educate the weaker sex on how they should look after their spouses and anticipate their every need.

One of these was called The TotalWoman … and it advocated activities such as calling your husband at work and telling him you craved his body, or meeting him at the door wearing nothing but an apron and a feather duster.

You should take his briefcase (wrote Marabel Morgan), lead him to his favouritechair,gethimacooldrinkandoffer to massage his feet. Meanwhile the houseshouldbeimmaculate,youshouldhave a gourmet dinner simmering on the stove, and mood-music should becrooning from your stereo …

Ah, yes: total woman indeed!I was remembering all this while

THE TOTAL MAN

TONGARIROCROSSING THESummit of Tongariro with Ngauruhoe and Ruapehu in background.


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after putting on my right boot, I grabbed the other – and quickly realised something wasn’t quite right. to be honest, it took a wee while to register. But, when it did, I was horrified. In my rush to head out the door yesterday, I’d grabbed one of my wife’s boots by mistake! and now here I was, sitting in the middle of the north Island, three-and-a-half-hours from home, with two right boots: one size nine and one size seven …

by Mike Cooney

TONGARIRO

What’s wrong with this pic?


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!nothing! I wondered what Bear Grylls would’ve done – but I’d never seen him make a pair of boots out of rocks and flax, and that’s pretty much all I had to work with.

So, after flapping around like a headless chook, I finally pulled myself together and remembered I had shoes in my truck. Hitching a ride with a nice young guy in the boot of his Corolla, I made it back to my vehicle and grabbed my fancy, smooth soled, non-padded, dress shoes and hitched another 26km back.

This was going to be interesting …Arriving (again) at the start of the track

– a good hour and a half after I’d left – I was at last ready to begin … fancy boots and all! The weather, although windy, was still amazing, – and I’d eventually stopped calling myself names. Things were looking up!

A sign told me I had 19.4km of premium hiking ahead of me – and as I’d already

I’d been planning for a while to walk the infamous Tongariro Crossing – rated as the best one-day trek in

New Zealand, and one of the top 10 in the world. I’d put aside a two-week window to do it in, but so far, the weather hadn’t played ball – and time was about up.

However, when my Ski Patrol mate, Henry, forecast clear skies the following day, a spur-of-the-moment decision was made (with my wife’s permission, of course!). And two hours later, I had packed the truck and was heading south.

As it turned out, Henry was working in National Park that week, and he offered to drive me from the track’s finish (where I’d leave my truck) to the start, 26km away – which thankfully meant I didn’t have to organise one of the many shuttles available in National Park.

The following morning dawned fine and foggy as we drove to where the ‘Crossing’ ends. There were a few other vehicles around – so I figured I wasn’t going to be the only one up there making the most of the good weather. Grabbing my gear and boots, I jumped in with Henry and his mate for the ride to the start.

They dropped me off up the end of Mangatepopo Rd, and I found a place out of the wind to sit and put my boots on.

And that’s when my world came crashing down …

I couldn’t believe it – two right boots! I momentarily considered wearing my wife’s right boot on my

left foot – but I knew that wouldn’t work. I also thought about walking the track in my socks – then bare feet. Seriously! Feel-ing slightly panicked, I looked around in the off chance someone had another pair of boots slung over their shoulders. But


wasted a good chunk of the morning, I set off at a furious pace …

The first few kilometres was easy going, with well-formed tracks and boardwalks following the Mangatepopo Stream up the valley. Old lava-flows, tussock and small shrubs covered the rugged terrain, as I made my way towards Soda Springs and the beginning of the Devil’s Staircase.

(It was at this point that I was over-taken by a girl, and I realised my pace wasn’t that furious …)

The appropriately named Devil’s Stair-case is a steep and uneven climb of 200 vertical metres, taking you to the first of a number of craters on Mt Tongariro – South Crater. The plant life gradually gave way to some seriously inhospitable volcanic terrain, but if you take your time it’s easily doable. In fact, the outstanding

views give you a great excuse to stop and take regular breaks. The snow-capped peak of Mt Taranaki (or Egmont for the old-school) was clearly visible in the distance – and the panoramic spectacle was quite breath-taking!

T he walk across South Crater was nice and flat – and seemed a lot like the moon. I’d initially planned

to summit Mt Ngauruhoe here, but the late start, fancy shoes and strong winds had me rethinking that idea. And quite honestly? It looked a LONG way up!

At the end of the crater, the track headed up another steep but short climb – this time onto an exposed ridge leading to Red Crater. Stopping for lunch here, I found a nice rocky crag to shelter from the wind … food tastes so good when you’ve earned it!


Once again, I was awestruck with the outlook – views over the Rangipo Desert and Kaimanawa Ranges to the east …and, below me, the beautiful Emerald Lakes: a vivid contrast against the dull volcanic backdrop.

I nearly walked past the turn-off to the Tongariro summit – pretending not to see the poled track to the left. However, it was such a fantastic day that, despite the high winds and exposed climb (and my grip-less shoes!), I figured it’d be doable.

Can I simply say: I’m so glad I did!It wasn’t a difficult climb. But the winds

were full on – my exposed legs feeling the full brunt of the sandblasting I was getting. Thankfully, I had my Buff® head-wear on, which covered my face, offering some protection – plus it enabled me to pretend like I was a ninja! (Ah, the joys

of travelling alone!) Anyway, it was awesome. But make sure you do it on a fine day, for the full benefit – and take a ‘summit-only’ treat

to keep you going! (Mine was a chocolate Easter egg … mmmm!)

On coming down I was greeted by the Red Crater: so-named because it’s, um … red (due to the pres-

ence of oxidized iron in the rock). There was also a strong smell of sulphur – which had me confused at first, wondering who’d farted. But since I was the only one there (and I was pretty sure it wasn’t me), the smell remained a mystery. Actually, it turns out that the steam vents above the Emerald Lakes were the culprits.

Blue Lake.


The track down the ridge beside the Red Crater was steep and exposed, with loose rock underfoot, and you could make quite fast progress by jumping and sliding down the face. (However, not recommended if you want to keep a nice shine on your fancy shoes …) The gale-force winds were still doing their best to fly me down the mountain, and I was quietly thankful I wasn’t a midget wearing baggy pants.

The track dropped past the beautiful-but-smelly Emerald Lakes (there are three of them), where it picked up the edge of Central Crater before climbing again onto the sides of Blue Lake – a cold, acidic lake not recommended for swimming (unless you’d like to see your bones).

I was told afterwards that this lake is tapu, and you shouldn’t eat or drink around its shores. Thank goodness I’d already run out of food …

L eaving the Blue Lake behind, I sidled the North Crater for a while before starting my descent down the other

side of the mountain. The change in out-look here was dramatic, with views north of Lake Rotoaira before me and Taupo in thedistance.TheKetetahihutwasvisible

below, and the winding track disappear-ing in the distance stood out against the red tussock groundcover.

It was about now that my feet decided they didn’t want to be in my shoes anymore …

I had less than 8km to go – but they were the longest 8km in the world. All that downhill-pounding in fancy foot-wear was finally taking its toll, and, as I struggled to find a walking style that didn’t hurt, I found myself drifting into madness … muttering and mumbling as I went, trying to convince myself that pain was my friend.

Thankfully, my strange chanting and awkward gait must have worked, because a couple of hours later, I stumbled out of the beech trees and into the carpark.

All of a sudden I was no longer alone. A number of people were sitting around on the ground near their cars, staring at me. And I’m pretty sure that, as I strolled gingerly over to my truck, they were whispering to each other, wondering if I was the source of the strange noises that had emanated from the forest …

Hopefully they’ll never know.

Emerald Lake. The long walk down.


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H O T T E S T H O M E B A K E RH O T T E S T H O M E B A K E R


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ChERRy whItE ChoColatE shoRtCakE

PLUSpInEapplE fRangIpanI taRt

Baking is both an art and a science. It’s all about commitment, dedication and passion – combined with a lot of fun. It comes from your hands, your mind and your heart – and the reward is seeing others smile and enjoy the results of your work. here, from the hit tV show – nEw ZEaland’s hottEst hoME BakER – are two wonderfully tasting, great looking sweet treats.

SWEET TREATS


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ChERRy whItE ChoColatE shoRtCakE by Catherine

125g butter

½ cup sugar

1 egg

2 cups plain flour

1 tsp baking powder

Filling:

1 x 425g can pitted cherries

1 cup sugar

1 tsp vanilla essence

200g white chocolate, chopped roughly into even pieces

icing sugar, for dusting

Preheat oven to 180°C. Using an electric mixer, cream butter and sugar. Add egg and beat well. Add flour and baking powder to the mixture and stir.

Press half the mixture into a 20 x 30-cm slice tin lined with non-stick baking

paper. Refrigerate the other half. Place slice tin into the fridge as well and chill for at least 1 hour.

To make filling, place cherries, sugar and vanilla in a saucepan and bring to the boil. Simmer slowly, until filling has reduced and is of a jam-like consistency. Remove from heat and cool.

Remove tinned shortcake from fridge and spread filling over base. Sparingly scatter white chocolate over filling. Remove remaining shortcake dough from fridge and, using a cheese grater, grate evenly over chocolate.

Place into oven and bake for 30-40 minutes. Dust with icing sugar when cool.

pInEapplE fRangIpanI taRtby Dyani

Pastry:

120g butter

2 egg yolks

120g caster sugar

120g plain flour

Filling:

120g butter

120g caster sugar

2 eggs

30g plain flour

120g ground almonds

½ tsp almond essence

1 x 230g can pineapple rings (approx), strained of juice and patted dry on paper towels


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FREE copies of this new book will be sent to the first 5 readers who write

and request one from Grapevine, Private Bag 92124, Victoria St West,

Auckland 1142. So act now! (first-time winners only)

SELECTED FROM NZ’S HOTTEST HOME BAKER

Over 140 pages of mouth-watering recipes

Apricot Glaze:

4 tbsp apricot jam

4 tbsp water

Cut butter and yolks into sugar and flour. Work into a smooth paste and chill in the fridge for 30 minutes. Preheat oven to 180°C.

To make filling, cream butter and sugar until fluffy. Beat in eggs one at a time, stirring well. Stir flour, almonds and almond essence. Combine well to a smooth paste.

When pastry is ready, roll out to 3mm thick and line the bottom and sides of a greased 20cm round tart or flan tin (or even a sponge sandwich tin). Prick the bottom well with a fork.

Fill pastry case with filling and bake for 30 minutes until light golden brown. Remove from oven and place the pine-apple rings on the top in a decorative pattern.

To make glaze, place ingredients into a small saucepan and stir over a low heat until jam dissolves. Pass through a strainer. Bring back to boil and boil gently until clear. Glaze tart. Serve warm or cool with freshly whipped and sweetened cream.

REpRIntEd wIth pERMIssIon fRoM nEw ZEaland’s hottEst hoME BakER, puBlIshEd By pEnguIn gRoup (nZ). RRp $35. CopyRIght ©EyEwoRks, 2010.


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GRAPEVINE. IT’S BEEN AROUND for 30 years, giving Kiwi families a lift … promoting stable, loving

relationships … tackling family hurts and headaches in a positive, helpful way … injecting fun, hope and wholeness into homes all over the country.

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I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, plus a pre-scription for a product called

MoviPrep, which I will discuss later. (For now, let’s just say we must never allow it to fall into the hands of our enemies.) I spent the next several days productively

sitting around feeling nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation …

In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basi-cally water, only with less flavour.

Diary of aColonoscopy

i recently called my gastroenterologist, andy, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. and a few days later, in his office, he showed me a colour diagram of the colon – a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through south america. he explained the procedure in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner, and i nodded thoughtfully. but i didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, “he’s going to stick a tube 3000 metres up your behind!”

by dave Barry

ColonoscopyColonoscopyby dave Barry


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© 2008 dave barry, pulitZer-priZe-Winning humour columnist for the miami herald & author of countless books – including “i’ll mature When i’m dead.”

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MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug; then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I’m being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. And there are times when you wish the toilet had a seat-belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, eliminating everything – including food you haven’t even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. And, next morning, my wife drove me to the clinic where I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. They led me to a little curtained space where I took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts – the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse put a needle in a vein in my left hand, and wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with an anaesthesiologist. I didn’t see the 3000-metre tube, but I knew he had it

hidden there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was Dancing Queen by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,

Dancing Queen had to be the least appropriate.

“You want me to turn it up?” asked Andy, from somewhere

behind me.“Ha ha!” I replied. And

then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are

squeamish, prepare your-self, because I’m going to

tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA

was yelling “Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambou-

rine …” and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ!

you wish the toilet had a seat-

by Paul freedman

& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystander& the bystanderthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bulliedthe bully,

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GRAPEVINE: So it’s a big problem – right? BARBARA: Yes, it’s everywhere. It’s world-wide. And there are more ways than ever that kids can be targeted. Things like cyber-bullying. In earlier days you could at least go home and escape the torment. But today’s young people can’t get away from it anywhere.

An example: a young student recently had a romantic encounter in his bedroom – a very private, personal thing. His room-mate videotaped it and then posted it on YouTube. A joke! But the victim knew it would never go away. It’d gone viral – around the globe. And he ended up jumping off a bridge.

At least today we’re far more aware of the damage bullying causes. When

I was little, it was just seen as part of growing up.GRAPEVINE: The school shootings we hear of, like Columbine – can they be the end-result of bullying?BARBARA: Very much so. Those two kids were very normal young people until they got to a school where this group of foot-ball players ran things. That school was a well known ‘jockocracy’ …GRAPEVINE: A jock-what?BARBARA: A jockocracy – a place where ‘the jocks’ rule. They called Eric and Bill ‘fags’ and ‘queers’ and smeared them with ketchup. Kids shouldn’t have to put up with that.

Not many targeted kids end up as shooters, thankfully. Most kids turn the message in on themselves …

do you remember when you were at school?Were you a bully? a bullied kid? or just a bystander?educator, author and parenting expert, barbara coloroso claims that bullying has become one of the most worrying issues of

our day. it’s not just an american problem … or a kiwi problem … or a problem in the West.

it’s global. and the consequences are appalling.suicide is not uncommon. and victims are sometimes driven to extreme violence. but bullying, more often, results in intense personal misery that can ruin a life forever.can we do anything about this? can we keep kids safe? do we even know if our own kids are being bullied – or doing the bullying?We asked barbara to share some of the wit and wisdom that she’s famous for. after all, she’s just published a brand new book on the subject …

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BULLY-CIDEThey start believing what the bullies say about them. They write themselves off as losers or loners. They drop out of school. Or they end up committing ‘bully-cide’ – because they can no longer face the torment.

GRAPEVINE: What makes someone become a bully?BARBARA: Good question. And the short answer is: you have to be taught!

We mustn’t mix up conflict and bullying. Conflict is normal, and our job as wise adults is to teach our kids to handle the conflicts in their lives non-violently.

I’m alarmed at the number of anti-bullying programmes that have ‘conflict resolution’ as a way to settle things between the bully and the target. We just re-victimise the target when we insist that

they sit down together and “work it out”. The bully in this scene will typically say: “I didn’t realise those rumours would go all over the Internet,” or “I didn’t know I was locking you out of the chat-room,” or “You tripped over my foot – I didn’t stick it out!” And the nastiness gets sanitized by the adults.

Bullying happens when the aggressor shows contempt for another, when they can do anything to victims and feel no shame or compassion. GRAPEVINE: You identify three types of bullying: verbal, relational and physical … BARBARA: Yes. And we often dismiss the first of these: verbal bullying. You know the old adage: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me …”? Well, it’s a lie!

Donna Wesley hanged herself with a dog leash at 14. She left a note naming the


three girls who had verbally tormented her. The last thing she heard before she hanged herself was a phone message from one of them saying, “We’d all be better off if you were dead!”

If you have a child who’s been physi-cally bullied, I guarantee he or she has been verbally bullied first.

Sadly, it’s often the victims who end up in trouble with the authorities. When they finally strike back, when they just can’t take it anymore, then the school takes it seriously (and not till then).GRAPEVINE: Physical bullying is the shoving, pushing, tripping up – that sort of stuff?BARBARA: Yes. And very few boys resort to it. They threaten a lot – but that’s verbal, really. And they fight a lot, but that isn’t necessarily bullying.

GIRLS DO IT THEIR WAY …An even smaller number of girls resort to physical bullying. They have a far more powerful weapon: relational bullying … shunning, rumour, gossip and exclusion. And the Internet has made this worse.

We had an incident here where a group of 11- and 12-year-old girls made an animated video about the top six ways to kill their classmate, Piper. They even put music to it! And they posted it on YouTube. “Hang her; throw her off a cliff, poison her!” And when Piper’s mother called the parents of these girls, one of them responded, “Well, that’s just the way girls are at this age!” Another parent said, “I can’t deal with this now, I’ve got to put on dinner!”

I’ve got to tell you, if my daughter had

made an animated video on the top six ways to kill a classmate, and put it on YouTube, dinner would be a long time in coming!GRAPEVINE: So bullying can be quite deadly?BARBARA: Absolutely. Of course, when the bullies are confronted, they say, “Oh we were just teasing!” But no, you weren’t – you were taunting!

Teasing is what friends do – taunting is what bullies do. Teasing is two-sided: we’re basically having fun, we’re both laughing. Teasing’s friendly. And if one of you calls “Stop!” – you stop.

But taunting’s just the opposite. Only one is laughing, and the more the target calls “Stop!” the harder the bully goes at it. There’s no friendship here, and the bystanders often join in.

Teasing is innocent in motive – it stops as soon as the other person shows any sign that it’s not welcome. But taunting is sinister in motive – and it escalates if the targeted kid objects or is distressed. It’s a conscious, wilful, deliberate, hostile activity intended to harm. The bully’s getting pleasure from somebody else’s pain.GRAPEVINE: Why are children often unable or unwilling to ask their parents or other adults for help?BARBARA: Mainly because they’re ashamed. Most targets are caring, sensi-tive kids who’d never dream of doing this to anyone. And bullies target them because of … well, their race, their reli-gion, their gender, their physical or mental abilities, their economic status – something they can’t change that’s at the core of who they are.

They’re afraid to retaliate because

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.bullies often threaten: “You tell anybody and we’re gonna make it worse for you!”

They’re outnumbered and overpow-ered. And they don’t really believe that adults can or will help. Because we adults say useless things like, “Oh well, just walk down another hallway! Find another place to eat if you can’t handle the lunchroom.”

That puts the onus on the target. We’re implying that this is all part of growing up, and they should get over it. They believe – from grim experience – that, if they tell an adult, things will only get worse.GRAPEVINE: Which is exactly what happens sometimes, right?BARBARA: Often! We adults tear into the situation … we ‘take on’ the bullies … we make them sit down together and demand an apology. Stuff that simply doesn’t work. And we don’t really hold the bully accountable.GRAPEVINE: What are warning signs that a child’s being bullied?BARBARA: It’s often simple things that may indicate kids are being targeted …

OUT-OF-THE-NORM:Usually happy to go to school – they suddenly don’t want to. Grades have dropped alarmingly – with no good reason why. They’ve got torn or missing clothing – but a lousy explanation. They complain of stomach aches and headaches on school days – but not on holidays.

Or maybe they’re on the Internet or cell-phone – and suddenly, without saying why, they get all withdrawn or sullen. GRAPEVINE: So, what can we do?BARBARA: First, we need to keep the target safe. Second, we have to keep any witness

safe. Third, we have to deal effectively with the bully and any bystanders that have participated. As William Burroughs the English author said, “There are no innocent bystanders!”GRAPEVINE: So a bystander who knows what’s going on is either part of the bullying or part of the resistance? They’re not just bystanders?BARBARA: We think of the bystander as somebody who just stood there and didn’t or couldn’t do anything, but that’s only one role.

Another role is the henchman – the kid who’s out to please the bully, and will often do the bully’s bidding.

Then there are the active supporters – the kids who’ll cheer the bully on, even hold the kid down while the torture happens.

Then you have passive supporters – the ones who go down the hallway laughing: “Ha, ha – did you see what those kids were doing to that girl? Wasn’t that wild?” They’re not actively bullying, but they’re certainly getting pleasure from the target’s pain.

At the very bottom of the circle is an ugly group – the disengaged onlookers, who say, “They just need to grow up!” or “Take care of it yourself, it’s none of my business!”

There’s the potential witness – the kid we’ve tried to raise to act with integrity and compassion. But he or she is scared of the bully – afraid that, if they intervene, they’ll be next.

But at the very top is the witness – a resister and a defender, roles we adults need to model for our kids. When a bully says, “I don’t like that new girl,” she’s the one who makes the conscious choice to


go and sit next to the newcomer – even at a cost to herself. GRAPEVINE: How do we produce young people like that?BARBARA: Well, we first need to walk our own talk and talk our own walk. I say to adults, “How do you treat your employees?” “How do you treat someone who looks or acts different or is from a different community?” “How do you deal with a bigoted relative who’s telling sexist or racist jokes and everybody’s laughing?” Do your children see you standing up to that and saying, “No, that’s racist!” or “That’s cruel!” – even when the relatives roll their eyes and say, “Can’t you take a joke?”

It mightn’t impress your relatives, but you’ll have had a big impact on your children. They now know that you don’t exclude other human beings.

GRAPEVINE: In your book ‘Kids Are Worth It’ you cite three approaches to family discipline – the Brickwall, the Jellyfish, and the Backbone. Surely there’s a connection between family background and bullying?BARBARA: Yes, there is. The BRICKWALL family is hierarchical – in control. People who grow up in brickwall families can become bullies because they’re modelling the parents who bullied them. They’re also more likely to succumb to bullies, and less likely to intervene if they witness bullying, because they’ve been taught to follow.

Brickwall families use bribes and threats, rewards and punishments to gain compliance. So it fits right in when a high-status kid says “If you want to be in my group …” (a reward) “… then you won’t eat with the new girl!” Kids from

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a brickwall family often don’t know how to make good decisions – and they never experience the real consequences of what they’ve done wrong, because they just get punished and move on.

The JELLYFISH family is the opposite. It bends with every flow and ebb of the tide. Where the brickwall parent imposes a rigid, inflexible structure, the jellyfish family has none.

EASY PICKINGS:Some parents are so lost in their own lives (maybe it’s alcohol abuse or drugs or they’re so busy working) that they let their kids run wild. Jellyfish kids often long for some structure. And who’s going to give them that? The bully!

Bullies teach them about staying-in-line and getting recognition. That’s why gang leaders can attract kids who’ve had missing-in-action parents These kids want a family – they want some connec-tion, some order in their lives.

However, BACKBONE parents give kids responsibilities – and let them make choices and decisions – that are age-appropriate and ability-appropriate. They don’t have to be blindly obedient. They do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.

Backbone parents don’t rely on bribes and threats or rewards and punishments. Instead, they use encouragement and feedback, plus unconditional love and discipline.GRAPEVINE: But many parents see disci-pline and punishment as the same thing?BARBARA: True. We often use those words as though they’re interchangeable – but they’re not.

Punishment is adult-oriented, and imposed from without. It arouses resent-ment, and basically teaches kids to respond with three ‘F’s: fear, fight-back or flee. They flee into themselves (afraid they’ll make a mistake) – or they’re out the front door,

Discipline, on the other hand, gives life to a child’s learning. It helps kids see what they’ve done wrong and why it’s wrong. It gives them ownership of the problem and ways to solve it. And, most importantly, it leaves the child’s dignity intact.

Parents might say, “Well, if I don’t punish them, they just run wild!” But all they’re seeing is the two extremes – the jellyfish or the brickwall.

Backbone parents, on the other hand, hold kids accountable. And they also provide an environment which counter-acts the three ‘viruses’ that are ripping apart our humanity: • hating other human beings with utter

contempt• hoarding – ‘me, mine and more’

instead of ‘us, ours and enough’ • harming – by lying and cheating and

stealing.

THE ANTIDOTE:Backbone parents model the antidotes to those things by caring deeply … sharing generously … and helping willingly. They teach that to their kids. And the child learns compassion and kindness towards others.

Kids who’ve been raised in a deeply caring environment are less likely to target someone else, and are much more likely to recognise the other person’s


uniqueness. They’re also more inclined, from a very young age, to share.

Kids with their own computer, their own TV, their own everything, never have to learn to share. But when you share you feel good. It’s a natural high. And bribes and threats simply aren’t necessary.

Backbone kids are much less likely to be willing bystanders. Instead, they’ll stand up against injustice. They saw their parents do it, they were given opportuni-ties to do it themselves, and they were held accountable if they ever hurt another human being.GRAPEVINE: What can parents do if their kid is being targeted?BARBARA: Well, some don’ts – and then some do’s:• Don’tminimize,rationaliseorexplain

everything away: “It’s just part of growing up …” or “You need to harden-up …” Those mean I’m not listening.

• Don’t rush in to solve everything: you’ll probably make it worse, and then they’ll quit telling you.

• Don’t tell the kid to avoid thebully: I’ve seen that in lots of anti-bullying programmes. Why should the targeted kid have to eat lunch under a bush somewhere? Why should he have to find a new route to school?

• Don’ttellyourkidtofightback: it’s not a fight. But by all means teach them self-defence – and encourage them to say something assertive: “That was mean. I don’t need this. I’m out of here!”

• Do encourage your kid to respondtothebehaviour,notthebully: “That was mean.” “That was odd!” “That was weird.” One response I suggest to older kids is, “That comment was beneath both of us.”

• Do reassure the targeted kid: “It’snotyourfault.” I worked with a lovely young girl who had flaming red hair. She said, “I never realised till I read your book that this wasn’t my fault. In Year 9 those girls held me down and set fire to my hair.” They hair-sprayed her and ignited it! But her teachers and parents all challenged her: “You must’ve done something to make them so mad at you?” I see a lot of families whose kids have

attempted suicide and not succeeded. They get some counselling maybe – and sometimes they move to a different school. But often the parents say, “It’s still not working.”

I’ll ask them, “What’s your child doing?”“No, you don’t understand – my child’s

the victim!”I say, “No, no. Is he working in a soup

kitchen? Or helping younger kids? Or volunteering with Habitat for Humanity?”

“Why should I get him to do that?” they ask.

“Because bullying isolates you and tells you’re a loner, a loser. But when kids who’ve been targeted get out and help others, it develops their sense of self-worth and repairs that awful hole which bullies tear in their victims.”GRAPEVINE: So how should a school handle bullies who get caught?BARBARA: The school must hold them accountable – with discipline. Kids make mistakes … they create mischief … and sometimes they cause mayhem. And all bullying (including verbal bullying) counts as ‘mayhem’.

Let me give you an example: A kid’s walking down the hallway with a marker sticking out of his back-pack, and he

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accidentally marks the wall. That’s an accident, a mistake. He has to own it, fix it, learn from it and move on.

Another kid draws noughts and crosses on the wall – that’s mischief. So we apply the four steps of discipline:1. we show him what he’s done wrong 2. we give him ownership of the problem 3. we give him ways to solve it 4. and we leave his dignity intact.

But if it’s mayhem, you take those four steps and, on the third step, you add in three ‘R’s – restitution, resolution and reconciliation. In other words he’s got to own what he did and fix it – that’s resti-tution. If you’ve spread an ugly rumour around the Internet, you’ve got to send a note to everybody you shared it with. You won’t ever totally get it back – but you’ve got to try.

Then resolution: “You called a kid a gross name. How are you going to address this from here on in?”

“Oh, I won’t ever call her that again!”“No – that’s not enough. What will

you do?”What you want to hear is: “I’ll call her

by her full name without sarcasm. I’ll also help her feel safe in class by sitting in a different place.”

Finally, reconciliation. If the target feels comfortable, I say “Would you like to sit down with this bully, now, because he’s ready to own what he did … tell you how he tried to fix it … tell you how he’s going to keep it from happening again … and make an attempt to heal things with you?”

TURNING IT AROUND When this all works out, you’ve empowered the target, and humbled the bully. Humbled, but not humiliated. He’s now less likely to target the kid again. However, I also want to nurture the bully’s empathy, because that’s been buried under lots of muck.

I want to teach him friendship skills. (Bullies don’t have those; they have lead-ership skills.) And I want to give him energising activities that don’t involve harming other kids.GRAPEVINE: Have you seen much success in this area? BARBARA: Oh yes. I’ve taught seriously troubled kids, some of whom were bullies. Some were bullied bullies. And some were in trouble because they struck back when nobody else would do anything.

In reforming a bully you have to hold them accountable. You can’t just slap their wrists and say, “No, no – don’t do that!”

Ultimately, we try to bring them full-circle. Remember: it was a new kid he targeted originally! Now another new kid


is coming in. So we say, “You’ve really grown through this and we trust you. We’d like you to buddy-up with this new kid so he doesn’t get targeted.” We’re now putting him in the role of witness, resistor and defender.

Which is coming full-circle.GRAPEVINE: So kids can grow past being bullies? It’s not something they’re stuck with?BARBARA: All of us are originally hard-wired to care. All babies – boys and girls – will cry in a nursery if another baby’s in distress. An 18-month-old child will rush to the side of a baby in distress and try to help.

A two-and-a-half year-old will go running to his mum or dad if another kid is hurt.

By the time he’s four, a child who’s living in a deeply caring environ-ment and is given a cookie and notices another child doesn’t have one, he’ll break his cookie in half. This happens before the child’s had religious educa-tion programmes, character-building programmes – any of that.

LEARNING TO BULLYWe’re hard-wired to care. But, from as young as four or five, we can be TAUGHT to bully. We can be TAUGHT that it’s okay to be mean to kids who look different. And that conditioning can smother our inborn empathy.

However, we can grow beyond that – yes! We can learn to do good because it’s good to do – and because it feels so good.

I want schools to ask themselves: Does our school community have a sense of entitlement? Is there any one group that

feels more entitled than another – where one group of kids (often athletes) are put on a pedestal and treated as special? Maybe it’s Board Members’ kids, or kids with a particular skin-colour, or kids from a particular faith-tradition – and it gives them a sense that they’re allowed to exclude others.

Are there lots of cliques in the school (rather than clubs)? Is there intoler-ance towards those who are in any way different?

If so, you’ve got fertile soil for bullying. And having an anti-bullying policy isn’t enough. You need to make sure those danger signs aren’t there.GRAPEVINE: Any final thoughts on putting an end to bullying? BARBARA: There’s a man who has these numbers tattooed on his arm – he was a death-camp survivor at Auschwitz. And he was asked, “How can we break today’s cycle of violence?”

He said we must do three things:• pay attention to what’s going on

around us …• get involved …• and never, ever look away!

read more about barbara coloroso at WWW.kidsareWorthit.com ‘the bully, the bullied & the bystander’ is available at all good bookshops.

read more about barbara coloroso at WWW.kidsareWorthit.com ‘the bully, the bullied & the bystander’ is available at all good bookshops.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? HAVE YOUR SAY!go to grapevine’s facebook page. share your point-of-vieW and read What others reckon.

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LOVE OF A FATHER

IN THE MIDDLE OF A WINTRY night some years back, one of our children called out in the darkness,

“Daaaddy!” I was surprised, since they usually called their mother. But I got up, stumbled into her room, and carried her into the bathroom.

The only light was a soft red glow shining on her face from the wall heater. I sat her up on the little potty seat and bent over to hold her so she wouldn’t fall. Her head lolled gently to one side and then she would catch herself, but never quite awaken.

As I stood there looking at the softness of her face with her eyes closed, and the slightly tousled long blonde hair, I was

filled with the most amazing sense of love and gratitude to God for that little girl. I kissed her gently on the nose and thought, Someday you and I will remember this as a time of great closeness. And I could picture us talking about the night when she was a grown girl.

But then I realised that she would never remember this midnight close-ness – because she had been asleep the whole time I was holding her. However, even though she was asleep and would not remember these moments, my own love for her had in some way filled and changed my life as I had quietly helped her through a long winter night.

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As I tucked her back in bed with a kiss, it struck me that in some sense this might be one of the reasons why the whole human venture is worth it to God, in the light of our amazing lack of awareness of his pres-ence. I saw that he has been with me all along, loving me and helping me in the most mundane ways, even during those long nights of doubt when I have been spir-itually asleep, oblivious of his presence.

But even then, when I might least have been trying to respond to him, God’s love for me may in some way have warmed his life … as my love for my little girl did mine.

KEITH MILLER – ‘HABITATION OF DRAGONS’

LESSON #1:Everything that happens to you is yourteacher. The secret is to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it.

MAHATMA GANDHI

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TAKE-YOUR-BREATH-AWAYThe most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. His eyes are closed.

ALBERT EINSTEIN (1879-1955)

FOREVER (PLEASE)I don’t want to achieve immortality by my WORK. I want to achieve immortality by not DYING!

WOODY ALLEN

HURLY-BURLY … It strikes me increasingly just how hard-pressed people are nowadays. It’s as though they’re tearing about from one emergency to another. Never solitary, never still, never ever really free, but always busy about something that just can’t wait.

Amid this frantic hurly-burly we lose touch with life itself. We have the expe-rience of being busy, while nothing real seems to happen. The more agitated we are, the more complicated our lives become, and the more difficult it is to keep a space where God can let some-thing truly new take place.

HENRI NOUWEN – ‘COMPASSION’

SMILE!it costs you nothing – and it increases your face-value.

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DRIVE ‘EM NUTS!A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

WHAT’S NEXT?Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity … GILDA RADNER

OVERWHELMED BY LOVEPoets often describe love as an emotion that we can’t control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That’s what it’s like for me. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt that you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful

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SENSE-ATIONALthe best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. they must be felt with the heart.

(helen keller)

REBOUNDlife is not about how fast you run or how high you climb, but

how well you bounce.

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was created. For me love like that has happened only once, and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.

NICHOLAS SPARKS – ‘THE NOTEBOOK’

KEEP PLAYING:Whatever our situation in life, however outrageous, however desperate, whatever dry spell of the spirit, whatever dark night of the soul … God is whispering deep within our beings, Don’t quit! Keep playing! You’re not alone. Together we can transform the broken patterns into a masterpiece. Together we can mesmerise the world with our song of peace.

TURN IT DOWN!We seem so frightened today of being alone that we never let it happen. We choke the space with continuous music, chatter, and companionship to which we don’t even listen. It is simply there to fill the vacuum. When the noise stops there is no inner music to take its place.

ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

POSSIBILITIESGod formed you with perfect feet and hands, and a heart that beats non-stop, sometimes for 100 years. He made you complete. Why then do you assume he made you empty?

He didn’t, of course. You inherited a thousand generations of wisdom, skill, poetry, song, all the sunrises and sunsets of knowledge past. You are the sum of all the people who went before you.

You are a refinery of inherited intellec-tual wealth. The full flood of antecedent wisdom is piped and stored within you – how to climb the highest mountain, how to slay the biggest monster, how to survive fear, and how to summon your own courage and take pride in your wonderful intelligence.

Inside you are more possibilities than you could possibly use up in one lifetime. If you can dream it, you can do it – because the instinctive knowledge of how to succeed is already programmed within you, waiting to be turned on … waiting to flow like a river, as you come on stream.

BRYCE COURTENAY – ‘A RECIPE FOR DREAMING’

DO IT NOW!be happy while you’re living, for you’re a long time dead.

(scottish proverb)

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spotthe difference

Day in the Snow by Tim Tripp

TRY TO SPOT THE 22 dIffEREncES In THESE TWO PIcTURES. find Grapevine on facebook to see if you got them all!

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personal chit-chat With this revered rugby icon and all black legend …

Colin ‘Pinetree’ Meads


1a great night out for you would go like …? COLIN: Verna and I enjoy going

into Te Kuiti or even Hamilton. I’m a meat man, so it’s lamb shanks or sirloin for me – and Verna would probably have fish. Mainly, though, we’re homebodies these days.

2Who do you most admire, and why?COLIN: Sir Wilson Whineray.

We’re a similar age, and we got into the New Zealand Colts about the same time and toured Sri Lanka. He was always a very kind gentleman, and he helped me a lot. I was just a farm boy, but he taught me how to behave in different countries, how to say the right things and treat people with respect. Wilson was an expert in these things. I was very nervous about meeting the Queen, but he just took it all in his stride. And he was a fabulous captain.

3What’s the no.1 key to a great marriage? COLIN: Goodness gracious me,

maybe you should ask Verna! I think you need to know that you will always have disputes – but you have to get over them; you can’t hold grudges. We grew up in

the same town, went to the same school. We courted for five years and married at 21. She has always been my greatest support.

4What’s the hardest thing about being a dad?COLIN: For me, being away so

much. Verna had to cope with everything. She was Mum and Dad to our children. She took them to all their sports games and practices. If I wasn’t playing rugby

I was working. When I was touring my Dad helped with the farm, and the local rugby club turned up for haymaking. I loved seeing the children grow up and finding out what sports they enjoyed. Unfortunately our family suffers from what we call ‘Meads-knees’ – which has cut down on the opportunities. These days, of course, I’m a granddad of 14. My grand-children are the spice of my life, and now I have more time to spend with them.

5What’s your all-time most embarrassing moment?

COLIN: Well, once I was playing in Cardiff Arms Park and collided with the Welsh halfback. He did what we called a ‘hollywood’ and was carted off with two

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minutes to go. The crowd was booing me. I went to see him after the game, and his wife got stuck into me. But that night he was dancing around. I’ve always held that against him!

6What’s keeping you busy these days? COLIN: I get around the country

a lot speaking to groups. And we have a big section, with vegetable and flower gardens. I grow all the usual things – like

that attitude is old hat. We need to see each other as equal New Zealanders, and get on with life.

9What are the biggest changes you’ve seen in rugby since you retired

from the game?COLIN:Well, of course, it’s gone profes-sional and that’s altered everything. The rules have changed a lot. We used to stand shoulder to shoulder in the line-outs – whereas now they’re a metre apart. We old fellas don’t think it’s changed for the better, because the game is now played for TV – not just for the crowd at the park. When I watch it on TV I can’t always work out why the penalties have been granted, so it’s more complicated these days.

What’s your prediction for the World cup?

COLIN: The All Blacks have to win! If we don’t, it’ll put New Zealand rugby back years. I think it’ll be a southern hemisphere final. France is always a dark horse, but they’re not firing too well at the moment.

10cabbages and silverbeet and potatoes. Verna’s not so mobile, so I’ve inherited the flower beds as well. I have a hell of a time trying to remember the names of the flowers.

7if you could do anything in the world right now, what would it be?

COLIN: For me personally, I’ve often wished I’d had the money to buy a private island where the only way to communi-cate was by phone. I’d love the solitude.

8What’s one thing about new Zealand that you would change if you could?

COLIN: I’d change the whole idea that Maori and Pakeha are separate. I think

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MY MUSICAL GRANDKIDS

john cooney is grapevine’s founder/editor. ‘scrubcutters’ are radio spots – produced by cba, and heard by 180,000 people each Weekday, on the neWstalkZb netWork.

fine sound-effect renditions of songs I can’t understand by artists I’ve never heard of with names I can’t pronounce.

I’ve got a cuddly three-year-old, the youngest in our tribe, who can perform (in perfect pitch) a tune that Barney-the-Purple-Dinosaur sings: “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy fam-i-ly …”

I’ve got this miniature five-year-old, with sticky-outy blonde hair, who spent the first four years of his life singing, at the top of his squeaky little voice …

Bob da Builda, can we fux it?Bob da Builda, yes we dan!And there’s another bigger kid who

once entertained me and his grand-mother by singing ‘The Warehouse’ jingle at least 39,000 times, while we drove the entire length of the South Island.

You haven’t got grandkids? Ahh, you don’t know what you’re missing!

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I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR grandkids are like, but mine are exceptional. They really are!

Exceptionally good looking … excep-tionally bright … exceptionally fond of their Granddad … exceptionally tal-ented. And you’d know what I mean if you could just hear them sing …

Like, I’ve got this seven-year-old with a voice like an angel. And when she sings, “Pokarekare Ana …” her lovely liquid notes give me goosebumps!

I’ve got two other granddaughters whose favourite song is a homemade version of “Frere Jacques” – a French song I learned at school. And they’re now old enough to add their own made-up, giggle-girly verses – wonderful!

I’ve got two giant grandsons who’re both into hip-hop – and they do these

E hine e, hoki mai ra, ka mate ahau

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imagine being pampered for five days aboard a luxury, triple-decker, pool-topped cruise ship … riding silently, hour after hour, on the wide, still waters of the nile … interrupted only to eat, drink or sightsee … while the peaceful shoreline slips past in slow motion.


the ever-changing never-changing


Imagine plots of maize and sugarcane, date and banana palms … vivid-green against the harsh

brown desert. Imagine pencil-thin mina-rets thrusting high above the treeline in even the smallest village … and the sound of muezzin calling the faithful to prayer.

Imagine boys in leaky boats throwing fishing nets in search of a meal … women at the water’s edge washing robes and pots while their kids splash and squeal … sun-black men ploughing rich soil with tired, plodding water-buffalos.

Imagine a thousand scenes forever-changing, and yet unchanged in thou-sands of years. Just imagine …

T his famous old river goes back a long way – into central Africa, winding northward through

Uganda, Ethiopia and Sudan … and into

ancient history, when fertile silt washed down in the annual floods kept Egypt from starving.

It’s no surprise, therefore, that countless Egyptian deities (I’d already met Osiris, Isis, Seth and Horus in Wilbur Smith’s novel, River God) were linked to these watery cycles. And it’s no surprise that

the pharaohs chose the banks of the Nile for their spectacular monuments.

Back in Egypt’s days as a British colony, only the nobs could afford a romantic Nile cruise. But today the river

seems crammed with boats – from luxury affairs (like ours) to budget wooden feluccas (with broad canvas sails). And every tourist and his dog seem able to hitch a ride.

Our cruise was heading upriver, from Luxor to Aswan. And it was noon when

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we were welcomed aboard the 5-star Nile Romance. After oohing and aahing and unpacking bags, we washed our sweaty underthings in the shower and hung ‘em out the cabin window to dry on the warm Nile breeze.

We then pinched each other to make sure we weren’t dreaming, and snuck upstairs to the dining-room. While the crew cast off and steered into the current, we ate lunch (I tasted my very first pome-granate – yum!) and took a vote on what to do next.

It gets hot in these parts (like 40° plus), and my wife opted to spend the afternoon sprawled poolside with her head in River God. But I chose instead to explore the first township we moored alongside. I had no sooner disembarked than I was mobbed by scruffy little urchins pleading for money: “Baksheesh?” And I’d barely got rid of them when a tall barefoot kid fell in beside me.

“I know you,” he said, faking recognition. “Where you going?” I tried ignoring him. “Excuse me,” he said. “I just want talk.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I’m going for a walk – on my own,” I replied, hoping he’d take a hint.

“You want come to my house? For cup of tea? For marijuana? Whisky?” I shook my head firmly. “Okay. I wait here for you,” he said.

“Shukrun (thank you),” I muttered.I must’ve looked like a first-class sucker,

in my t-shirt and nerdy “I’m From New Zealand” cap, because on the way back to the boat – via a different route! – I was waylaid by another youngster who tried to sell me this huge grey (dead-looking) lizard.

Over dinner that night we compared stories and tried to out-do each other. But I lost to Bruce, an Australian, who confessed that he’d been offered 100 camels for his wife!

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T he next few days became a delight-ful, jumbled blur. More ever-flow-ing, never-boring river … more

dusty towns (Edfu, Esna, Kom Ombo) and ancient temples (in honour of Khnum the ram-god, Horus the falcon-god, Sobek the

Join Grapevine’s John & Robyn Cooney for 27 magical days in Egypt, Israel, Turkey & Jordan

MIDLIFE MADNESS MIDLIFE MADNESS MIDLIFE MADNESS

ON THE NILEON THE NILEON THE NILE DEPARTING SEPTEMBER 2012

featuring two luxury cruises (on the Mediterranean & the Nile) with stopovers in Rome, Alexandria, Jerusalem, Nazareth, Antalya,

Ephesus, Athens, Cairo, Luxor, Aswan, Abu Simbel, Petra & more

phone 0800 277 477 — [email protected]

crocodile-god). And the memories kept queuing up, begging to be written about:

The hour we spent watching old-time artisans crafting vases out of polished quartz … and sampling local sunbread, baked right there, out in the super-hot sun.

The night we let down our hair at the shipboard galabea party … with yours-truly dressed up as an uncoordinated belly-dancer, and my wife as Queen Never-Ready.

The early evening when, afloat in midstream, we were suddenly surrounded by hawkers in rowboats … shouting their offers, tossing their wares up on deck, and expertly catching our money (or their rejected goods) while balancing with their oars on the dark water.

The lazy afternoon we spent drifting on the great river in a traditional white-sailed felucca. The sky was blue … the water was even bluer … and sandwiched in between was the golden expanse of the Western Desert.

Ahh, yes. That’s Egypt for you … no more, no less.

are you a fun-loving midlifer Who’s keen to travel? join john & robyn cooney on one of their popular cruises or tours – phone 0800 277 477 or visit WWW.johncooney.co.nZ.

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Dr Dave: I simply want men to appreciate their bodies – and be grateful. The human body is a beautifully-designed machine. It’s a gift, for goodness sake. So take care of it!

One of the most sobering experiences is to go to the morgue, as a doctor, and sign the death papers of someone you’ve known for 10 or 15, maybe even 20 years! They’ve sat inside your surgery and you’ve counselled them; you’ve given them medi-cation; you’ve laughed with them and sometimes you’ve cried with them!

You’ve developed a great relationship – and now, here they are, like a

dead sheep on this hard slab. Next to them are maybe two or three others – it’s what I call the Grim Reaper’s takings for the night. And you look at them and think, “They don’t need to be there!”Grapevine: So what exactly are

the biggest issues for the typical Kiwi bloke? DrDave: Blokes see themselves as

bulletproof – but they’re not. We have to get across, as simply as possible, that you are what you eat. You eat crap, you

fORGET THE WHALES:SAVE THE KIWI BLOKE!

T HE KIWI MALE IS AN endangered species! Blokes are dying much earlier than every-

one else … and it’s not because we don’t have good medical facilities, or that our men are off fighting wars. It’s because of our lifestyles.

According to Dave Baldwin (doctor and author of ‘Healthy Bastards’) we’ve become a nation of ginormous fatsos …Grapevine: So what do men need to

hear?

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WANT TO READ MORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2010, ISSUE 3 … & FIND ‘SAVE THE KIWI BLOKE’

SMILE … #1

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have

anything to do with it.

SMILE … #2

A good marriage is where both people feel like they’re getting the better

end of the deal. (Anne Lamott)

WHEN MY WIFE STOPPED work to take care of our new baby boy, countless

motherhood & apple pie:DEDICATION

hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening she caught her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, “It’s the little piggy that ate roast beef …”

(an anonymous father)

are crap. If you eat well, you are well. It’s as simple as that!

Then there’s smoking and alcohol and drugs. Alcohol by far is the worst abused – and it’s a major, major issue. I’ve seen so many families destroyed by it.

Another problem: blokes are often late-presenters with illness. So the challenge is getting them there in the

first place – then encouraging them to get regular checkups so, if we do find a problem, at least we can deal with it in its early stages …


ARE YOU 40-PLUS? ARE YOU wondering how to navigate your midlife years, absorb the

shocks, press ahead and turn the next corner?

Journalist Lindsey Dawson knows exactly how you feel. And, with the help of many other midlife survivors, she wrote a book – ‘WISE UP’ – packed full of encouragements for midlife men and women just like you …Grapevine:You’ve described midlife

as the ‘luscious years’ – what do you mean?Lindsey: I think it really is a juicy

time – a time to look forward to. It’s

only when you pass the age of 40 that you know your own power, really. You realise you can get on top of things – and you’ve developed techniques to do that. You don’t need to be so scared anymore. Of being unemployed, for example, as you get older.

Now, obviously, you have to keep your hand in. And it helps if you’re flexible enough to try doing something completely different – retraining. But there’s a growing skills shortage in New Zealand. And lots of people are going back and studying, training themselves in new skills – and doing that very successfully.

navigating midlife with:GUTS, GRACE & GRATITUDE


olden daZe:KNOCK-KNOCK …

THREE SISTERS, AGES 72, 76 and 81, live in a house together. One night the 76-year-old runs a

bath. She puts her foot in, pauses, then

yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 81-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”

She starts up the stairs and pauses: “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 72-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I’m sure glad I’ll never get that forgetful, touch wood …”

She then yells, “I’ll come up and help you both as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

Grapevine: Is how we look – our attractiveness or otherwise – a major issue during midlife?Lindsey: I think the Western world

has got itself in a terrible trough worrying so much about wrinkles and waistlines … not being young and beau-tiful any more … the whole cosmetic medicine industry …

Yes, I wear makeup and lipstick, and I do my hair and things. Most of us do. But too many people fall into the trap of believing that they’re unworthy – and in danger of being left out – unless

they look as young as they possibly can.There’s not enough honouring of

maturity in our society. Come on! We’ve earned our wrinkles. I reckon we should enjoy them a bit more. So don’t gasp in horror and dread – “Oh no, I’ve got a wrinkle coming!”

Who cares? We’ve got a lot of living to do yet!

WANT TO READ MORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2006, ISSUE 2 … & FIND ‘NAVIGATING MIDLIFE’

My old aunties used to come up to me at weddings, nodding and cackling,

“You’re next.” They stopped after I began doing the same thing to them at funerals.

SMILE … #4

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your developing child:BRAINY!

IT’S WIDELY KNOWN THESE days that the first two or three years of a baby’s life are critically impor-

tant. These are the years, ideally, when babies get the chance to learn about life and love and faith and trust. But what’s actually happening inside a growing baby’s head? We talked with noted brain development expert and Kiwi paediatri-cian, Dr Simon Rowley …

Simon: When you’re born, you’re only about 15% ‘wired up’. Your grey matter is all there (your brain cells or neurones), and it’s all ready to go – but only 15% of it is connected. That 15% is the stuff you need just to keep the organism going: heart-rate, blood pres-sure, breathing – the bits that control your basic functions.

However, from the moment of birth the sensory experiences you start having cause the other 85% of wiring to happen. And most of it happens in those first three years.

Every time you touch a baby, cuddle a baby, tickle a baby, laugh with them, talk to them – all those things that happen through the senses – you’re helping the baby experience and sort out the world.

But here’s what’s really vital: the expe-riences you get need to be the right ones. If you don’t get good, positive, warm, nurturing experiences, you’re in trouble.

Grapevine: How do you feel about the tendency these days for busy, working parents to drop their young children off to day-care?

Simon: Well, frankly, if you’re not being cared for by somebody who’s got emotional investment in you, then the risk is you’re going to struggle in this area.

If, for the main part of the waking day, a young child is with a lot of different care-givers – who are just doing a job, keeping an eye on him, but not really caring for him in a one-on-one way – then that child never really gets a chance to establish a firm attachment relationship with his parents.

We’re not saying that the latter years are a problem. We’re talking about the early ones. It doesn’t appear to be a good thing to have a three-month-old baby in day-care …

WANT TO READ MORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2010, ISSUE 1 … & FIND ‘BRAINY!’’

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GRAPEPUZZLE SOLUTIONS (See puzzles on Page 22)

WORD SEARCH – INSECTS SUDOKU EASY


WORDSEARCH – INSECTS (SOLUTION PAGE 67)


SOLUTION


SOLUTION

5 3 1 2 6 3 2 8 7 4 9 4 1 2 6 1 6 4 3 5 6 9 3 9 7 5 4 3 7 6

8 5 9 3 1 2 7 6 4 4 1 3 9 7 6 2 8 5 2 6 7 5 8 4 3 1 9 5 4 1 8 9 7 6 3 2 3 7 2 6 5 1 9 4 8 6 9 8 4 2 3 1 5 7 7 2 4 1 6 8 5 9 3 9 8 6 7 3 5 4 2 1 1 3 5 2 4 9 8 7 6


SUDOKU – EASY (SOLUTION PAGE 67)

out of the mouthS of:KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

MARC (AGE 4) WAS ENGROSSED in a young couple that were hugging and kissing at a birthday

party. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”

CHRISSY (age 6) was the first to put

her hand up when the teacher asked the class to describe love: “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “A man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled neighbour. Tammy looked at the old lady for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”

The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandchild.

SMILE … #3

your face?”

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FOR A YEAR (SEE P34/35).

grapevine issue 2, 2011

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