grapevine issue 2, 2013

ISSUE 2 2013

ARE YOU MISSING OUT ON GRAPEVINE?Get your own free trial-copy for a year – better still, become a sponsor (see p2 & 3)

plus ...MANHOOD: more than just a hairy chest?

• how to keep warm in bed• A Dog’s Show: man & dog vs. sheep• eat … pray … love• Venice: O SOLE MIO!

empty armsOne mum’s battle with miscarriage

GRAPEVINE MAGAZINE has been around for 30 years, giving KIWI families

a lift … promoting stable, loving relationships … tackling family hurts and headaches in a positive helpful way … injecting fun, hope

FAMILIES DESERVE ALL the help they can get. Which is why we distribute 500,000

Grapevines to sponsored homes each year … free of charge.

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and wholeness into homes all over New Zealand.

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andgivethiswarm-heartedmagazineto10 OTHER KIWI FAMILIES TOO

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2 Grapevine – iSSUe 2/2013

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Some 16 years ago, Aussie Steve Biddulph wrote a book called, Manhood – an instant best-seller. Grapevine talked with Steve back then in an interview that generated lots of feedback. But when we heard that he’d rewritten his book … we hurried to track him down and ask, “What’s new?”

The stats tell us that lots of Kiwis are likely to experience miscarriage or infertility issues. With so many couples affected, chances are you or a loved one might be one of them. Author Catherine Sylvester has experienced this herself and, in a wonderfully honest conversation, shares her story with us …

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14 EmptyArms:OneMum’sBattleWithMiscarriage

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38 Manhood

14 EmptyArms:OneMum’sBattleWithMiscarriage

pick of the Bunch ........................... 6Sherman’s lagoon ..........................10from where I Sit ............................11You ain’t gonna Believe this .............13grapepuzzles ...............................24Scrubcutters ..........................25 & 57home-Sweet-home .........................36Stillpoint ....................................48Spot the difference .......................52families unlimited ..........................62

publisher:John Cooney

editor:Mike Cooney

contributing writers:Paul FreedmanFrances CoventryJulia Bloore

distribution manager:Brent Curtis

design: Craig HaythornthwaiteMartina O’KeefeCCL Communications Group

print: PMP Print

delivery: PMP Distribution

website:www.grapevine.org.nz

Published by Grapevine Communications Society Ltd.All correspondence toPrivate Bag 92124,Victoria Street West,Auckland 1142, New Zealand.Phone: 09 813 4956Fax: 09 813 4957Email: [email protected]

our mission:To promote stable, loving relationships ... to tackle family hurts and headaches in a positive, helpful way ... to inject fun, hope and wholeness into homes all over the country.

copyright:The entire contents of this issue are copyright © June 2013. Permission to reprint must be obtained in advance.

ISSN 1170-392X (Print)ISSN 2230-4126 (Online)

After some good-natured bantering between shepherds about their dogs, the first dog trials were run sometime in the late 1800s. Fast forward to 2013, and we discover that it’s still as popular as ever …

26 ADog’sShow

54 WendylNissen:It’sOKToBeANana

Getting lost is not normally a good idea. But Venice is one place where it doesn’t hurt to forget your map and go AWOL for a while …

Published four times a year to give New Zealand families a lift – 100% independent, community-based, not-for-profit.

PLUS!

Writer, broadcaster, business woman … and now domestic goddess, Wendyl shares some insights on life, work, family and feminism.

58 Venice:OSoleMio!

Slow Roast Beef With Fines Herbes Pesto

– Page 32

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reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front shirt pocket. The frog panicked: “What, are you NUTS? Didn’t you HEAR what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!”

The man opened his pocket and looked down at the frog: “Nah! At my age I’d rather have a talking frog …”

GROAN #1These two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says: “You man the guns – I’ll drive!”

HEAR ABOUT …… the hand-grenade that was thrown through the window of a French restau-rant? The result? Linoleum Blownapart.

FROG TALE:This 86-year-old guy loved to fish. And he was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up!”

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again: “Pick me up!” – and there, floating on the surface of the water, was a frog.

The man asked the frog, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I am. Pick me up – then kiss me, and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are jealous because you will have me as your bride.”

The man stared at the frog, then

CROAKING, GROANING & EXPLODING


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THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY #1:• Better save that. We’ll need it for the

autopsy.• Someone call the cleaners. We’re going

to need a mop.• I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.• Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!• Wait a minute: if this is his spleen, then

what’s that?• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived

500ml of this stuff before?

GROAN #2What’s brown and sticky?A stick …

GRAVE MATTERS #1On the headstone of a hanged man:

Rab McBethWho died for the wantOf another breath.1791-1823

LEGALLY ORANGEThe professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor challenged her: “No!

No! Think like a lawyer!”The student then replied, “Okay.

I’d tell him ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, title, claim and advan-tages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away

with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding …’”

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!JACK (age 3), who was watching his mum breast-feed his new baby sister, asked: “Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?” MELANIE (age 5) asked her granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she couldn’t remember anymore. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you should look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”STEVEN (age 3), after hugging and kissing his mum good night, declared: “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS #1:Chuck Norris once fell off a cliff … and landed at the top

Death once had a near- Chuck Norris experience

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS #2:

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ONLY IN AMERICA! In the summer of 1998 at Lake Isabella east of Bakersfield, USA, a woman was having trouble with her boat. No matter how she tried, she just couldn’t get her new 22ft Bayliner to perform. It was slug-gish in every manoeuver, regardless of the power applied. She tried for an hour to make her boat go, but finally gave up and putted over to a nearby mariner for help.

A topside check revealed that every-thing was in perfect working order – the engine ran fine, the outboard motor pivoted up and down and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

One of the mariner employees jumped in the water to check beneath to boat – and, when he popped back up only seconds later, he was laughing so hard he was almost choking.

Under the boat, still strapped firmly in place, was the trailer …

10 THINGS WE KNOW ABOUT YOU:1. You’re reading this. 2. You are human. 3. You can’t say the letter ‘P’ without

separating your lips. 4. You just attempted to do it. 6. You’re laughing at yourself. 7. You have a smile on your face and you

skipped No. 5. 8. You just checked to see if there’s a No. 5. 9. You laugh at this because you’re a

fun-loving person and everyone does it too.

10. You’re probably going to try this on someone else to see if they fall for it.

SIGNZ #1:In window of wreckers’ truck: “Jesus wants your heart – we just want your tow.”

COURTROOM CLASSICSThey just keep coming! Here are some more fair-dinkum questions-in-court asked by lawyers:Q: “Were you alone or by yourself?”Q: “How long have you been a French Canadian?”Q: “Do you have children or anything of that kind?”Q: “I show you exhibit 3 and ask if you recognise that picture? A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when this picture was taken?”Q: “Was it you or your brother who died in the war?”

Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare, he only eats unicorn.



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Chuck Norris played Rock, Paper, Scissors in front of a mirror and won.


SIGNZ #2:At a radiator repair shop: “The best place in town to take a leak.”

SPELL CHEQUEREye halve a spelling chequer; it came with my pea sea.It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long. And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye ran this poem threw it, I’m shore your pleased two no: its letter perfect in it’s weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

GROAN #3Young man required to work as mudflap: Must be flexible, and willing to travel.

GRAVE MATTERS #2In a churchyard in Edinburgh, Scotland:

Beneath this stone a lump of clayLies Uncle Peter Dan’elsWho early in the month of MayTook off his winter flannels.

SIGNZ #3:On lost-&-found page: “Found. Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a reward!”

DOCTOR, DOCTOR!Doctor: “You’re in great shape for your age, but I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger.”

Elderly Patient: “Who asked you to make me younger? Just make sure I get older!”

MORE OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scales and asked: “How much do I cost?”CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mum asked what was troubling him, he explained, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”MARC (age 4) couldn’t take his eyes off the young couple who were passionately kissing in the restaurant. Alarmed, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”

GROAN #4What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?Roberto.

PICK-OF-THE-BUNCH POMEGive me a sense of humour, Lord,The grace to see a joke,To get some humour out of life,And send it to other folk.


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Last week, on a random spur-of-the-moment, I Googled the word ‘Cooney’. And guess what I discov-

ered? My surname, it seems, is derived from an old Gaelic word meaning ‘little wolf ’. Which immediately rang all sorts of bells.

‘Little Wolf ’ – yes, I like that, I really do. And if it’s all right with you, I’m gonna try it for a while. I think the world might respect me more, and this could be the beginning of greatness.

The truth is, of course, I didn’t choose my name. I wasn’t given a list to look through. Nobody asked me if I would rather be Ramsbottom or Fogglesworth, Bracegirdle or Knutt. That decision was made for me. And, come to think about it, most decisions were …

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Little WolfI’ve sometimes felt envious of people who have important-sounding names … names that have meaning … names that imply ‘somebody’ instead of just ‘anybody’. and while the name ‘cooney’ has served me well for more than half-a-century, it’s never really helped me stand out from the crowd. But all that is about to change …


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TI didn’t choose my ancestors. Those

long-distant immigrants weren’t thinking of me when they saved up their pennies, hitched up their skirts, climbed onto leaky boats and sailed across the Pacific. They didn’t ask me if I wanted to be their great-great-grandson and carry on the family name. But I am … and I have … and I trust I’ve done them proud.

I didn’t choose my parents. No one asked me if I’d prefer a policeman or a poultry farmer instead of an accountant for a dad … a fashion-queen or an opera-singer instead of a shoe-shop-lady for a mum. I didn’t get to vote on whether I had two sisters or 10, twin brothers or none. I mean, think of the possibilities! I might have been an only child, sole heir to the throne, and inheritor of the family fortune! Except I wasn’t – and there isn’t.

I didn’t choose to be a post-war baby. I didn’t put a ring around 1948 and say, “Keep that year free!” If the decision had been left to me, I might have picked 1861 or 1357. But it wasn’t. And I didn’t. Which is why I’m only 65 today – not 152 or 656.

I didn’t plan my conception. I didn’t even ask to be born. But I’m very glad I was, because you have to be born to be glad, eh!

I didn’t choose to grow up in this age of emails and websites, space shuttles

John (grapevIne’S founder & BIg cheeSe) IS the proud part-owner of 12 healthY grandkIdS – So the cooneY name and dYnaStY IS Safe for the tIme BeIng.

and laser beams. I could’ve just as easily grown up in the Victorian Era, the Indus-trial Revolution, or the Ice Age – or been a Viking, a medieval monk, or a Nean-derthal Man. And I guess it wouldn’t have bothered me. But I’m glad things worked out the way they did, because I’m kind-of fond of the 21st century.

I didn’t choose to be ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ … pink instead of brown … short instead of tall – it just happened. I didn’t select my hairy legs, or my hairless chest, or the mole on my chin, or my feet. I just got them – automatically – along with all the other bits which, over the years, I’ve become rather attached to.

I didn’t choose to be ME. It’s not my fault. My opinion wasn’t asked. I could have been you, or the next bloke, or a billion other people. But I’m not. Yes: given the chance I might’ve made a few improvements. But no: I’m not about to complain. You see, me is who I is, and me is who I’ll always be.

Just call me ‘Little Wolf ’ from now on – okay?

IthoughtIsawthelightattheendofthetunnel,butitwasjustsomejerkwithatorch,bringingme

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•Duetogravitationaleffects,youactuallyweighlesswhenthemoonisdirectlyoverhead.

•Seahorsesaretheonlyfishwithaneck.Theyhavechameleon-likeeyesthatmoveindependently

ofeachother,andaprehensiletailthatcantietoaperch.

•Honeyistheonlyfoodthatdoesn’tspoil.

•Giraffesneedlesssleepthananyothermammal.Toavoidbecomingalargestationarymealforpredators,

theyneedtostayasalertaspossible,sleepingdeeplyforjustafewminutesatatime.

•InEnglishpubs,aleisorderedbypintsandquarts.SoinMerryOl’England,whencustomersgotunruly,thebartenderwouldyellatthem:“Mindyourpintsandquarts,andsettledown!”It’swherewegetthephrase:“MindyourP’sandQ’s…”

•Yourbodyuses200musclesjusttakingonestep.

•Windmillsalwaysturnanticlockwise,exceptinIreland.

•62%ofthepeoplewhoreadthislistwillspendseveralsecondswondering,vaguely,whywindmillsalwaysturn

anticlockwise,exceptinIreland.


by Julia Bloore

cover photographY: corBIS

empty armsOnemum’sbattlewithmiscarriage

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the average length of time it takes new zealand couples to get pregnant is seven months. when they attempt to conceive, they try not to get their hopes up, understanding that it probably won’t happen in the first month … maybe

not even the second … maybe not the third. despite their best efforts, however, hopes do

rise – and they fall dramatically as another month rolls by with no sign of a double line on that test.It can be an emotional journey, even when things do eventually turn out as planned.So imagine the emotion involved in never seeing that faint second line, never feeling the surreal excitement that comes with it. Imagine months and months, years and years, of painful fertility treatment. Imagine having the positive test, having a scan, seeing the heartbeat … but then miscarrying the young life inside of you. Imagine carrying your beloved child to full term, then losing him on the day he’s born.Statistics tell us that many people who’ve just read this paragraph will recognise it as their story. catherine Sylvester, author of A Common Thread, is one of them.

cover photographY: corBIS

A C O N V E R S A T I O N W I T H C A T H E R I N E S Y L V E S T E R

GRAPEVINE: Catherine, give us a bit of the background …CATHERINE: Where do I start? I guess with Julian and I getting married in 2005. It was a good day! I was 32 … which sounds so young now! And we thought probably we’d wait to have kids. But within a month of our wedding I had this burning desire to procreate, which I had never had before. It wouldn’t go away. So I talked to Julian, and before long we were giving it a go.

The first time we tried we had this beautiful naivety about the situation. I would text Julian at work and say, “I could be pregnant now!” as though it would

happen in the first month. You spend half your life trying not to get pregnant – and then it’s all on! GRAPEVINE: It didn’t happen first time then?CATHERINE: No, a couple of months went by, and I just knew there was a problem. It hadn’t been long enough to really know that … but I just had an inkling. I got a few things checked-out and all was fine. But then I got pregnant and miscarried.

Again, one miscarriage, as terrible as it is, isn’t enough to be really concerned about in terms of infertility issues. So we kept trying. But I still had that inkling … maybe there was more to it?

the average length of time it takes new zealand couples to get pregnant is seven months. when

not even the second … maybe not the third. despite their best efforts, however, hopes do


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GRAPEVINE: Did you have more tests?CATHERINE: Well, in New Zealand, if you’re under 35 you have to have been trying for a full year to be considered to have infertility issues. If you’re over 35 it’s only six months. We hadn’t been trying for a year yet but decided to go private and see some specialists.

Everything seemed fine, but they gave me some medication to help me ovulate properly … and again we got pregnant. GRAPEVINE: That must’ve felt fantastic!CATHERINE: Yeah, it did! But then we miscarried again!

Usually it takes three documented miscarriages before you’re sent for recurrent miscarriage testing, but our doctor was fabulous and sent us for the tests anyway. Our earlier daydreams about future pregnancies had never once included multiple blood tests, internal ultrasounds, specimen collec-tions, scans, specialist appointments or

fertility drugs with awful side effects. But these next tests were just the begin-ning: I had to have 11 bottles of blood taken from me … on the day I was miscarrying, too. And Julian just had to have this one test. GRAPEVINE: So they tested him as well? CATHERINE: Yeah. It’s pretty normal for women to think the problem is with them – but more and more these days, with stress, pollution and lifestyle, it can be 50-50 in terms of whether the problem lies with the man or the woman. GRAPEVINE: So did these tests show anything?CATHERINE: Well, all of my tests came back fine … and then we nervously waited for Julian’s results. It turned out that he had a ‘balanced chromosomal translocation’. This didn’t affect him at all, but when it came to reproducing, his sperm cells could end up with extra genetic material or missing genetic mate-rial – which in our particular case meant the embryo wouldn’t survive past 12 weeks. What’s more, for reasons they are unsure of, it sometimes means concep-tion can prove difficult. And finally, there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it.

Five days after getting these results we found out I was pregnant again. This time we had a scan at six weeks and saw the heartbeat … then at the seven-week scan the heartbeat was gone. We were crushed. GRAPEVINE: Oh no, that must’ve been devastating.CATHERINE: It really was. About seven months later I got pregnant again, for a fourth time. A lot had happened in those months, and I really felt like this time was ‘it’. At home on my own I took the

CARRYINGONTHEFAMILYNAME–Diane’sStory“We wanted to carry on the family name. My husband is his parents’ only son, so it was up to us to do this for them. We dreamed of introducing our baby to a growing number of cousins and the delight they would find in this new little one. We dreamed of names and how we would raise this child, of how it would change our lifestyle. We dreamed of teaching and showing our little one the fun and exciting adventures of life in our world. But this was not to be.”


pregnancy test, then jumped in the car to deliver the precious stick to Julian at work. We were as excited as little kids, and quickly figured out our due date.

It’s an understatement to say we were shocked when I started to bleed some time later. I did another pregnancy test and the beautiful positive sign was nowhere to be seen. Just a dark, ugly minus sign. I was minus a baby. Again.

However, finally, in 2008, we conceived our oldest daughter Estella. She came after 25 months of trying, nine cycles of fertility drugs, four miscarriages and more blood tests than I care to think about! GRAPEVINE: Incredible! So what was that pregnancy like? CATHERINE: Well, I didn’t just get preg-nant and say, “Sweet!” In fact, I was a bit of a basket-case. I had a blood test every two days right up until seven weeks. After that, we had an ultra-sound every week right through until 13 weeks.

After each scan, I’d be fine for a couple of days – but then, leading up to the next one, I was an absolute mess. I’d be

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DAMAGEDGOODS–Ellen’sStory“I began to feel like damaged goods. I felt guilty Tom was stuck with me – it was completely my fault we couldn’t have children. I hated my body, hated the way it was irregular with periods and fooled us so many times into hoping and wishing, only to throw us down in disappointment time after time after time.”

INLOVINGMEMORY–Priscilla’sStory“We got a silver ring for my little finger and engraved it with ‘In memory of our first’ …”


a bundle of nerves driving to the hospital each week. But when all was okay, we had a little ritual: we’d stop at McD’s on the way home and have a cheeseburger to celebrate!

Physically, it was an ideal nine months. Not a problem at all. However, throughout that time, with all of the stress and emotions, I actually ended up with antenatal depression – which is very common with people who’ve had infer-tility issues. Julian carried a load during that time as well. He was a great husband and a great friend, and he listened to all my fears. GRAPEVINE: How long did it take to conceive your second daughter?CATHERINE: When Estella was one, we decided to try again. We conceived Skyler in the second month with no fertility drugs. We were monitored very closely all the way through, and all the blood tests looked like we were going to miscarry … but she’s a fighter.GRAPEVINE: Really? Is she still like that?CATHERINE: Oh, she’s a strong child – strong, independent, determined, capable … so yeah, she’s still very much like that.GRAPEVINE: I love it – the personality coming through in the womb! But tell us the truth of it – tell us ‘the real guts’ of what your heart goes through when something like this is going on?CATHERINE: I don’t think a lot of people really understand that with miscarriage

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GRAPEVINE: The stats tell us that one in six couples are likely to experi-ence infertility, and one in three to four pregnancies will end in miscarriage … A Common Thread shares a lot of those stories. Tell us about your book.CATHERINE: The by-line for A Common Thread is ‘Sixteen personal accounts of faith, fertility and miscarriage.’ I’m a talker, so when we were going through miscarriages and fertility treatment, I talked about it – and people came out of the woodwork and shared their journeys. I started to realise that even though the finer points differed, we all shared a common thread, an under-standing of one another.

Someone who’s had one miscarriage has more of an understanding of the pain that comes with several miscarriages than someone who has never miscar-ried before. Someone who has tried to conceive for seven months has a bit of an understanding of the desperation and heartbreak of someone who has tried for years. They will have travelled different roads – had different treat-ments, held different beliefs, responded differently emotionally … but there’s a grade of understanding one another, a common thread that runs through those journeys.

ON&ON–Teresa’sStory“This road is wearying, the doctor’s appointments tiresome, the months of wavering emotions seemingly endless …”

comes a real grief – a deep loss. People say things like, “Oh well, at least you were only 12 weeks …” – but those sorts of comments are really painful. It’s different for everyone, but most of the women I’ve spoken with acknowledge that there’s a

ACOMMONTHREAD:


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GRAPEVINE: But surely there are hundreds of books out there already?CATHERINE: Not as many as you might think! When I had my third miscarriage, I went to a bookstore to find something to help me. But I couldn’t find anything that fitted my situation. I found a book about empty arms, telling the story of a couple who had never been able to conceive or adopt. I wasn’t there yet. There was a book about a couple who had tried for a little while and then had a miscarriage … well, we’d been trying for a few years by that stage and had been through three miscarriages. There was a book about going through IVF, but we weren’t doing that. There was nothing that really fitted our situation, nothing for me.

I realised that each person’s story, which they had committed to paper, was very specific to them. I decided that I wanted to bring something together that I could put into the hands of any couple trying to get pregnant and have them read something they could relate to.GRAPEVINE: And along came A Common Thread …CATHERINE: Along came A Common Thread! In the book, all the stories are different. There’s a story about successful IVF and a story of failed IVF … there’s miracle

pregnancies and multiple miscarriage, miscarriage after pregnancy, couples who’ve never been able to have children … there’s adoption and stories of couples who are still trying. You can pick it up and you can read it … and you can relate to some part of one of those 16 stories, and know that someone understands. GRAPEVINE: It’s like sitting and chat-ting with 16 friends … CATHERINE: Exactly. Those friends can

say, “I know, I feel that too … but you know what? There’s a way through, and not only that, there can even be hope in the middle of it.”GRAPEVINE: Although the stats are high, most people reading this will fortunately not experience infertility issues.

We all want to say the right thing to our friends and family members who are dealing with infertility … but it’s very hard to know what the right thing is? CATHERINE: I think the best thing you can say is just, “I’m so sorry …” That’s it. You don’t need to explain or try to make it better, because you really can’t. Just listen. And maybe say a little prayer for them … if you’re that way inclined. But being able to talk it out and have someone listen is very, very helpful.

genuine grieving process that needs to take place.

These days we know we’re pregnant so early that we begin the attachment process sooner than in years gone by. I saw my baby’s heartbeat at six weeks

– and, to me, that means life. I became attached almost immediately. Each time Julian and I would work out the due date; we’d go and buy baby-stuff; we’d talk names. Even early on in the pregnancy there’s so much that makes you constantly


aware of this little life. You’re nauseous, you might be throwing up, your breasts are sore, if you’ve had a pregnancy before you’re quite often starting to swell … GRAPEVINE: So you’re grieving the loss of what you had hoped was to come. CATHERINE: That’s right. And grief has no time-frame. Grief is a song with its own rhythm and melody. Some people bounce back very quickly … and some take a long time.

I think we need to honour that process and support people as they deal with what they’ve lost.

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GRAPEVINE: How long did your grieving last?CATHERINE: Well, each miscarriage was different for me; the levels of emotion were different each time. When Estella was nine months old I was asked to speak at an event in Australia. It was a memorial service for babies who’d been lost during pregnancy – whether it was from miscar-riage, or even an abortion that someone might’ve been regretting.

I thought that I was emotionally healed, that I had finished the grieving process … I mean, I had a gorgeous wee nine-month-old daughter! But they did this thing where you held a card, symbol-ically representing your lost baby. They had pink cards and blue cards, and I was standing there with four of these cards in my hands. Seriously, I wept like a goose – the ugliest crying you’ve ever seen! I just kept repeating, “My babies … my babies …” It was so cathartic to have something

THELEASTOFTHESE–MichelleS’sStory“The nurse who called with the bad news must’ve thought I was very brave and stoical for not crying. If only she could’ve seen me seconds after I hung up.”


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in my hand representing someone I never got to hold.

We’d love to hold memorial services like that in New Zealand. GRAPEVINE: So what was it that got you through? What was it that you guys held on to? CATHERINE: Each other. Julian and I took a couple of trips – we really treated ourselves – we went to Disneyland! Then there were my friends. I held on to the ones who would let me just talk and rant and rave – which wasn’t often, but it was necessary. They were friends who didn’t try to fix anything; they’d just listen and say, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.’

And my faith was a huge comfort to me, although, the whole experience really rocked it. I thought that because of my faith all should be wonderful, but I fast realised what the reality of faith is. I think faith is actually believing and continuing to hold on in the tough times.GRAPEVINE: I love that the two of you took off to Disneyland!CATHERINE: You really need to look after yourself in times like that. We had to acknowledge the enormity of what it was.

BEATINGTHEODDS–Julie’sStory“With my situation and age, statistically it was almost impossible to conceive – and there was only a 2 to 4% chance that the baby would ever develop a heartbeat … On December 2, 2003, our son was born weighing 9lb 1oz.”

It’s amazing how much power there is in doing something you really like. It might just be a walk on the beach, or a run in the bush, or you might like to lie in bed all day and read … but then you need to give yourself a full-stop. Okay, it hurts, but I need to get up and get moving now.

Some days you feel fine, but other days it’s literally a toe at a time. GRAPEVINE: After the first miscarriage, or even the second, did you attempt to hold back from getting attached?CATHERINE: I found that impossible to do. We tried not to hope … but we couldn’t help it. After the first miscar-riage I thought, Well, at least I know I can get pregnant. However, I’ve had women say to me that they wish they could at least just get pregnant – that even if they miscarried, they’d be happy to know that conception was at least possible. But I don’t think they understand the crushing nature of losing a child you’ve conceived – especially when you’ve been trying for so long.

After the second miscarriage, I was even more crushed. I thought, crikey, that’s TWO now. The third one was prob-ably the hardest, because we had seen the heartbeat – so even if I wanted to at that

ATINYLITTLEFLUTTER–Naomi’sStory“On Day Twenty-One my drug-kit turned up: a black bag filled with about 65 needles and hormone drugs for the month. This was one scary bag … We had the first scan at seven weeks. And there it was. A tiny little flutter. Our baby’s heart. My official due date was my dad’s birthday.”


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point, I couldn’t remove the hope I held. But it was that third miscarriage that made Julian and I discuss how long we would keep trying. GRAPEVINE: You decided to continue though – obviously.CATHERINE: Yes. And we eventually had Estella – which made it all worth it. But when we were pregnant with Skyler and the HCG levels were constantly inconclu-sive, I can remember thinking, I can’t go

HOLDME–Amy’sStory“Mike would often find me lying awake crying in the middle of the night, and he really didn’t know how to help me. Sometimes he would just wrap his arms around me and tell me everything was going to be okay. He found it very hard because, like most men, he wanted to fix the problem … but felt powerless to do so.”

DOWNS&UPS–Samantha’sStory“Even now it’s hard to look back on the pain we felt. It was a physical pain, like shards of glass being pressed into our hearts – and it hurt to even breathe. I miscarried on Christmas Day 2005. But later came our mountaintop experience: in November 2008 we adopted a little boy we named Reuben. Our ‘son of vision’ arrived. Words are inadequate to describe the joy we feel at finally being parents …”

through this again. We decided that, if we miscarried, we wouldn’t try again – we’d just enjoy Estella. GRAPEVINE: How did Julian feel during all of this? What’s his story?CATHERINE: At first he was pretty chilled about it. In fact, for the first year of trying


catherIne’S Book, A COMMON THREAD, IS avaIlaBle from amazon along wIth her new Book, HOPE FOR TODAY.

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S.WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HAVE YOUR SAY!go to grapevIne’S faceBook page. Share Your poInt-of-vIew and read what otherS reckon.

UNFORGETTABLE–MichelleP’sStory“We never got to hold Zac and Jordan, we never got to see them grow and develop new skills like smiling, but we won’t ever forget them. With each new skill that Joel acquires, I will undoubtedly shed a tear or two for what we missed out on with Zac and Jordan.”

he was really relaxed. He was keen to try, but thought, It will happen when it happens … Of course, a big part of our problem was caused by something in his body. It was completely out of his control, but there were times later on when he started to feel like it was his fault. We pounced on that pretty quickly and talked it through.

He found the second year harder. He struggled to understand what I was going through. There were times when I wouldn’t want to go to a family event, or we’d miss another important moment – because there’d be young kids there, and I just couldn’t bear it.

Christmases in particular were diffi-cult for me. Each year I’d think that by the next festive season we’d be seeing our children playing beneath the tree and running around with their cousins. But after the fourth miscarriage we opted to stay home for Christmas …

Julian didn’t really understand that, but he was supportive of it. Men tend to look at things, find the problem and try to fix it, but Julian couldn’t fix this.GRAPEVINE: How did this whole journey impact your relationship with each other?CATHERINE: We were lucky in that the experience brought us closer together. We agreed on all of the big decisions we had to make – and I know that’s not always the case. Some couples disagree on how long they should keep trying, or they disagree on the methods they use. One of the stories in A Common Thread is told by a woman who is very honest about how it almost broke up their marriage. She describes how she became obsessed with what ‘he’ couldn’t give her.

GRAPEVINE: After hearing your story, all of the ups and downs, the tears shed, the battles fought … it really must’ve been amazing to hold that little girl in your arms for the first time. CATHERINE: It was slightly surreal. There were quite a few complications during the labour, so she ended up being born by caesarean – and it was a little while before I got to hold her. But the moment I remember as being amazing was after Julian and my parents had gone home. It was eight o’clock and she had arrived at four. I lay there in my bed just looking at her, and she had these huge blue eyes. She stared at me, very intensely, for the longest time and my heart just melted. It was like nothing I could describe.

After all this time, this was my baby … amazing. That’s all. Amazing.


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Sudoku Medium (solutionspage67)

Word Search – Farm Life (solutionspage67)

4 6 9

5 6 8

4 6 2 7

7 4 5 8

8 5 4 2

8 3 5

3 2 9

8 5 2

6 2 7

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How To Play: Fill in the grid so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9.

Grapevine 2/2013 – Grapepuzzles

WORDSEARCH – FARM-LIFE (SOLUTION PAGE 67)

Z J S U H T V D X S G H V H R N T Y E K R U T E R O O S T E R H T R S C A T G H S V S R K Y A C P Q A M N X A S F T S E C Y K E J R J C F E V G U C H F Y C T P W L T B T N F N I Z P X O R G B Z F M M R O O I F P U D O X N P E A V A D V R K W S D U W Y W S S R B Y D X Z L A A G P K E M C R M K Z O U H I P H C U E P V F O E Y K G I K M K A W O S A Z V H R O R R V O V Z C T S W N E H

SOLUTION


BARNCATCOWDOG

FARMERFENCEHAYHEN

HORSEMILKING SHEDPADDOCKPIG

ROOSTERTRACTORTROUGHTURKEY

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iSSUe 2/2013 – Grapevine 25

THE BUTTERFLY

JulIa Bloore IS a grapevIne contrIButIng-wrIter. ‘ScruBcutterS’ are radIo SpotS – produced BY cBa, and heard BY 180,000 people each weekdaY, on the newStalkzB network.

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day. I mean, it can’t be very pleasant – getting completely dissolved into liquid. But, then, it’s totally worth it! I mean, a caterpillar can only crawl around and eat – its life is completely contained and boring. But a but-terfly? Well a butterfly is a gorgeous creature – graceful and elegant. She has a certain presence about her … and when she graces you with that presence, it takes your breath away.

She has wings!She can fly!Next time things are tough and I

feel like I might be dissolving into that ‘soup-like substance’… I’m going to focus on those wings.

AS A LITTLE GIRL I ALWAYS thought that a butterfly was just a caterpillar with wings.

That she had eaten herself all fat and lazy … crawled inside her chrysalis … hung out in there for a while, all warm and cozy … grown some wings … and emerged as a beautiful butterfly.

I was so wrong! What I discovered more recently

was this: When a caterpillar is inside the chrysalis, its entire body actually dissolves into a soup-like substance. If you were to cut one open (which I’m not recommending you do) a lot of liquid would fall out. But gradually, as the process continues, all of the cells reform to become the body, limbs and wings of a butterfly.

Isn’t that amazing? The butterfly is actually an entirely new creation!

I was thinking about this the other

a dog’s showAllhailtheliberator!

Blue arrived at our place last spring from a farm in maungaturoto. She was 10 weeks old and (although I’d never admit it publicly) pretty darn cute. her markings were typical of new zealand heading dogs – mostly black-&-white with some tan thrown in for good measure. one half of her face looked like something rembrandt had painted, and the other picasso. ‘two-face’ was the name that first popped into my head when I saw her (like Batman’s nemesis), but that sounded lame. to be a true kiwi working dog, her name needed to be short, sharp and a little bit sweet – something John gordon* would be proud of. She was a cute bitch, after all …


a dog’s show

by Mike Cooney

Having worked on farms when I was younger (and kept a toe dipped ever since), I’ve always

hugely admired working dogs. A well-trained huntaway or heading dog at work is a sight to behold, and in many ways they’re the unsung heroes of New Zealand farm-life – particularly sheep farming. To put it bluntly, we’d be stuffed without them. Watching a grown man trying to outrun a mob of heading-to-the-horizon sheep is not a pretty sight … although it is a funny one!

Shepherds have been using dogs since King David was a boy. And when New Zealand’s pioneering farmers first settled here, dogs very quickly became a vital part of their day-to-day operation. Today, little has changed. New Zealand’s approx-imately 200,000 working dogs routinely round up around 30 million sheep (down from a peak of 70 million in 1982) plus 10 million dairy and beef cattle, move them through gates, into pens and onto trucks as well as driving them across large areas of hill and high country – a job that’d be impossible without them. A good dog is, simply put, indispensable.

There are two main types of dogs used: the New Zealand heading (eye) dog, originating from the border collie, bred to ‘head’ sheep silently and eyeball them at close quarters – and the Huntaway, a large, usually black-&-tan dog, bred for its loud, deep bark. It’s used to ‘hunt’ stock away (get it?) and is real handy in the yards, often climbing on the backs of sheep to get across pens.

Now, a bit of history. Back in the day, shepherds would lean on each other’s fences, watching other

shepherds work their dogs … and invari-

Charlie eyeing sheep

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ably, taunts would surface as to whose dog was best. This would incite (and rightfully so) some heated debate, which eventu-ally led to the challenge: “Well, PROVE it then!”

So they did. And along came the first dog trial …

They reckon the first one took place in Wanaka in 1867, and by the beginning of the 20th century, dog trials were seen throughout the country – with a national championship held every year since 1936. But it didn’t truly grab the public’s atten-tion until 1977 … when the creatively

titled ‘A Dog’s Show’ hit TV One on Sunday evenings. Hugely popular, it introduced dog trials to city folk, and made *John Gordon (the show’s host) a household name. Sadly, in 1992 the show aired its final season, and with it, dog trials dropped off the public radar.

Thankfully, however, it’s far from a dying sport – in fact, interest has been steadily growing, with people from diverse backgrounds now getting involved. It’s not just shepherds and farmers competing – but owners of life-style blocks, retirees and even the odd city

Nigel and his dogs

photoS: mIke cooneY


slicker have been seen whistling at a dog or two. And as someone associated with the sport recently stated, “Without sheep-dogs there wouldn’t be a sheep and beef industry, and without sheep and beef there wouldn’t be a New Zealand economy” – so it’s not about to disappear in a hurry.

There are four standard classes run in a New Zealand sheep dog trial (see panel) where dogs and owners pit their skills against the fickle sheep. Moving sheep is one thing, but moving only three of them, while being closely scrutinised by judges and the quick-to-critique

spectator, takes it to a new level – you might be able to throw stones, swear and have a good old tantrum while alone in the backblocks, but it’s not a good look during a dog trial!

Now, back to Blue. I’d mentioned to my mate Nigel, who owns a farm across the river from our place,

that I was considering getting a dog to chase our cattle around. It seemed like good parenting to yell at a dog, rather than at my wife and kids, when rounding up our cows, but we already had one dog so I wasn’t totally convinced. Nigel’s a keen

ABeginnersGuideToSheepDogTrialling…

Class 1: heading dogs – long head.The competitor starts his dog from a marked ring and the dog heads three sheep on a hill 300 to 600 metres away. The dog then pulls them into the ring in as straight a line as possible and holds them stationary to the judge’s satisfaction, all within 10-15 minutes.

Class 2: heading dogs – short head and yard.The competitor starts his dog from a marked quad and heads three sheep between 150 and 300 metres away and pulls them to the quad. They then move them along a pegged lane, through a pair of hurdles along another lane, before working them into a two-metre-square yard. The run is completed when the gate is shut on the sheep within the given time limit.

Class 3: huntaway – zigzag hunt.The competitor starts his dog from a marked quad. Three sheep are liberated and the dog then uses his bark to hunt them up

a zigzag marked hill for 200 to 300 metres. The run is completed

when the sheep pass between the top set of markers within the given time limit.

Class 4: huntaway – straight hunt.

This event is the same as the zigzag hunt except there’s only one

set of markers 20 metres apart at the top of the course. The dog aims to hunt the sheep from the starting point, in as straight a line as possible, through the markers.

All competitors start with 100 points, and as faults occur points are deducted.

There are four standard classes:

then pulls them into the ring in as straight a line as possible and holds them stationary to the

The competitor starts his dog from a marked quad and heads three

a zigzag marked hill for 200 to 300 metres. The run is completed

when the sheep pass between the top set of markers within the given time limit.

Class 4: huntaway – straight hunt.

This event is the same as the zigzag hunt except there’s only one


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.dog trialist, so when he rang a couple of weeks later saying his dad (also a keen tri-alist and breeder) had some pups for sale, I should’ve seen it coming … especially when he offered to help me train her!

Before I knew what was happening, I was helping a bunch of neighbours set up a Waikato round of dog trials, held on Nigel’s farm! Not only that, but I’d also somehow become a member of the Gold-fields Coromandel Dog Trial Club!

Cunning plan Nigel … cunning plan!Anyway, after spending a couple of

days laying out courses and settling down sheep (around 500 Romney’s arrived from up the road), the competition proper started on a fine Saturday morning. I’d been given the job of ‘liberator’ on

the long head. I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded kinda cool – like I was going into battle to free a bunch of oppressed peasants from some evil warlord. (If I used Facebook, it would’ve been about now that I updated my status to ‘Liberator’. But I digress …)

I discovered that a ‘liberator’ was supposed to release three sheep for each run and hold them in place with their dog while the competitor sent out his (or her) dog to retrieve them. As it stands, the only thing Blue can hold in one place are our chickens … but, thankfully, I was paired up with someone who did know what he was doing – and had a dog that was of some use.

As I mentioned earlier, watching

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well-trained dogs work with sheep is pretty awesome, and during these trials I got to see some of New Zealand’s finest in action, up-close and personal: hunting … heading … penning … staring down stubborn sheep – all with a well-timed whistle. But we also saw some not-so-well-trained (or not-YET-well-trained!) dogs at work, with some hilarious results … well, funny for us! One young dog went through a fence into another paddock and started herding a mob of cows, while another was more interested in playing with the liberators.

There’s no doubt that a trial course can have a humbling effect on a dog-handler, so there’s defi-

nitely a serious component to it – but it’s also a lot of fun. You get to meet some great people, see some beauti-ful country and reconnect with our agricultural heritage.

At the end of the day, it’s the chal-lenge that keeps people coming back for more. One of the country’s top shep-herds described it best when he said, “The attraction of the sport is the glorious uncertainty of it all.”

So what’s the future hold for Blue? Just quietly, I’m hoping there’ll soon be a cate-gory for dog trialling chickens …

Blue getting some practice in.

Get in the pen!Waiting to compete

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Slow roaSt Beef wIth fIneS herBeS peSto PLUSwhIte chocolate cheeSecake wIth raSpBerrY purÉe

allyson gofton shows how you can make a delicious meal simply by having the right ingredients on hand – whether it’s a one-bowl dinner, a simple stir-fry, a roast with all the trimmings or a dessert the whole family will enjoy.

GOOD FOOD MADE SIMPLE


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Slow roaSt Beef wIth fIneS herBeS peSto1.5–1.6 kg fillet of beef

about ¼ cup wholegrain mustard

2 tsp chopped fresh tarragon (or ½ tsp dried)

Cream-loaded potato gratin:

750–800 grams starchy potatoes, peeled and thinly sliced

1 tsp salt

1 bay leaf (optional)

1 clove garlic, crushed and peeled (optional)

1 cup cream

1 x 200 gram tub crème fraîche

½ tsp grated nutmeg or mace

¼–1/3 cup grated Gruyère or Cheddar-style cheese

Preheat the oven to 100°C.Turn the beef tail underneath to

achieve a fillet of even thickness. Tie the beef at intervals to ensure it retains a neat shape while cooking. Sit the fillet in a shallow-sided roasting dish. Mix the mustard and tarragon together and spread evenly over the fillet.

Roast in the preheated oven for 2 hours. When the beef is cooked, remove from the oven and allow to rest, covered, for at least 15 minutes before carving, though the beef can be set aside and served when ready. Serve with Cream-loaded Potato Gratin and seasonal vegetables, with the Fines Herbes Pesto (see recipe below) on the side for guests to serve themselves.

Cream-loaded Potato Gratin:Boil the potatoes in plenty of water with

the salt, bay leaf and garlic until almost cooked. Drain well. To the saucepan add the cream, crème fraîche and nutmeg or mace. Bring to scalding point, transfer to a large, well-greased ovenproof dish and scatter over the cheese. Bake at 180°C for 20 minutes until hot and golden. For best results, bake this a day or two ahead; cool, cover, chill and reheat 30 minutes before required.

Fines herbes pesto:

¼ cup chopped fresh parsley

2 tbsp chopped fresh chervil

1 tbsp chopped fresh dill

1 tbsp chopped fresh tarragon

1 cup pine nuts or walnuts, lightly toasted

¼ cup lightly packed grated pecorino or Cheddar cheese

about 1/3 cup olive oil

Process all the ingredients except the oil in a food processor. With the motor running, slowly pour the oil down the feed tube to make a thick paste. Season with salt and a squeeze of lemon juice if wished.

whIte chocolate cheeSecake wIth raSpBerrY purÉe

base:

1 x 250–300 gram packet chocolate cookies

1 x 70 gram packet hazelnuts, roasted and skinned

100 grams butter, melted

raspberry purée:

500 grams frozen raspberries, thawed


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White ChoColate Filling

1 tablespoon gelatin

¼ cup cold water

250 grams white chocolate

1¼ cups cream

250 grams crème fraîche

¼ cup Greek-style yoghurt

¼ cup caster sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla essence

Base: Process the chocolate cookies and hazel-nuts in a food processor until lightly

crushed. Pour in the melted butter and pulse to combine. Press into the base of a 23 cm baking paper-lined, springform cake tin and refrigerate until required.

White chocolate filling:Sprinkle the gelatin over the water and leave to swell. Dissolve by heating in the microwave for 15 seconds on High or stand the bowl over hot water. Set aside. Grate half the white chocolate and set aside. Chop the remaining chocolate into pieces and heat with ¼ cup of the cream in the microwave for 30 seconds. Stir until smooth; cool. (cont.)



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CARTOONZ

FREE copies of this new book will be sent to the first 5 readers who

write and request one from Grapevine, Private Bag 92124, Victoria St West,

Auckland 1142. So act now!

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SELECTED FROM ALLYSON GOFTON’S GOOD FOOD

MADE SIMPLEwith chapters on pasta, stir-fries,

roasts, salads, sweets & more!

In a large bowl, beat the remaining cream until thick. Stir in the grated choc-olate, crème fraîche, yoghurt, sugar and vanilla with the melted white chocolate mix and gelatin. Pour the mixture into the prepared cake tin and refrigerate for a minimum of 4 hours or preferably overnight.

Remove from the cake tin to serve, garnished with extra grated chocolate and Raspberry purée if wished.

Raspberry purée:Put the raspberries though a mouli or process in a food processor and then sieve to make a smooth sauce. Sweeten to taste with icing sugar.

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keeping warm in bed

Women love men’s traditional snuggly pyjamas, so much so that you generally find

women inside men’s traditional snug-gly pyjamas. Women’s full-length woolly nighties are absolutely no good for keeping warm as, basically, they’re a tent with no ground sheet.

The reason why beds get cold in the first place is that women put their feet in them. Women’s feet work on the reverse principle to hot-water bottles; they are as warm as toast all day but cold, rubbery and totally unappealing during the night.

To combat this, women have evolved heat-seeking feet that migrate towards the nearest source of heat, often a man on the other side of the bed. A standard woman’s foot can drain the entire body-heat from an adult male in half the time it takes to fill up with a tank of unleaded.

The second technique women use is duvet-winching, by which the woman turns over and pulls the duvet with her, and then keeps turning until she’s rolled up in five layers of duvet.

To avoid dying of hypothermia,

men in turn have developed a range of bedroom calisthenics: flapping the duvet, tugging the duvet, pulling the duvet down to cover feet, pulling duvet up to cover shoulders, and, finally, going to sleep in the spare room.

Beware of a woman who asks to ‘spoon’. This deadly combination of foot-sapping and duvet-winching can leave a man exposed to the elements.

For men, that’s when you need your thick pyjamas, which, of course, the woman is wearing. The only way to get them back is to revert to strategy one: the two minutes of volcanic passion.

by Guy Browning

© guy brOwnIng Is authOr Of ‘never push when It says pull’ and creatOr Of ‘tOrtOIse In lOve’ (dvd) – used by permIssIOn.

there are basically two ways of keeping warm in bed. the first is to generate heat through volcanic passion. this is great for two minutes, but then you’ve still got the rest of the night to shiver through. far better to wear brushed-cotton pyjamas thick enough to stop armour-piercing shells …



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(more than just a hairy chest?)manhood

by Paul freedman


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some 16 years ago an aussie bloke called steve biddulph stuck his head above the parapet with a book called, of all things, manhood. steve wasn’t unknown. his parenting book, The Secret of Happy children, had sold half

a million copies. but manhood? what would a parenting counsellor know about that?

everyone knew what ‘men’ were, surely? Of course they did! and ‘manhood’ was all about hairy chests and war heroes, wasn’t it?but steve biddulph suggested we’d got it wrong. men, he claimed, needed to get a life. being male wasn’t really about that macho stuff, and men were doing it hard. boys, too, were in trouble, with few good role models, and little or no help negotiating the tricky transition from boyhood to manhood.the book became an instant best-seller. and steve soon found himself conducting standing-room-only seminars – and, later, publishing a string of equally popular books about raising boys, raising girls, and raising babies. (we’re still waiting for Raising Rotweilers!) grapevine talked with steve back then in a ‘manhood’ interview that generated lots of feedback. but when, just recently, we heard that he’d revisited and rewritten his book … we hurried to track him down and ask him “what’s new?”

A C O N V E R S A T I O N W I T H S T E V E B I D D U L P H

STEVE BIDDULPH: Well, if I had to sum it all up I’d say there’s been a generational change. Most people can see that men are different from their father’s genera-tion (and there’s science to prove it!) For example, on average fathers now are spending 300% more time on parenting than they did back in the 1980s.

All over the developed world people are noticing it.

HOMEGROWN DADSYou see dads wheeling prams now as a matter of course … capably handling

toddlers … really involved in the everyday parenting of their children … and doing lots of leisure things with them. All that was quite rare and exceptional in the recent past.

A dad’s job back then was to get out and make a living – and mum did the hands-on stuff with the kids. Whereas men, these days, no longer feel ashamed of pushing a pram.

But men aren’t just parenting more – they’re also finding better friendships, freer lives, more space for self-expression,

some 16 years ago an aussie bloke called steve biddulph stuck his head above the parapet

a million copies. but parenting counsellor know about that?

everyone knew what ‘men’ were, surely? Of course they did! and


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.more soul-time. Instead of being money-making robots all their lives.GRAPEVINE: So are men now completely out of the woods?STEVE: No. Men still have by far the highest suicide rates, imprisonment rates, and accident rates. Every parent of a teenage boy knows that chilling worry about whether he’ll come home safe. But the figures are improving!

There was a peak of what you might call ‘disconnected men’ – the men who fought in World War II. And men of our genera-tion (the 40 to 60-year-olds of today) probably got less fathering than any other generation. But perhaps that very thing made us determined to do better.

Today, I think – I really hope – we’ve turned a corner. Masculinity is sort of like a river – the river flows into us, and we flow it on into our children. Neuroscience suggests that role-modelling is very much wired into us. There are things called ‘mirror neurons’ – and they map into our body what we see someone else doing. If, for example, we’re watching someone play tennis, our mirror neurons are firing off within us, sending messages to our muscles as if we were playing tennis too … even though we’re only watching it. Similarly, if we have a great sports teacher at school, or a wonderful English teacher, those mirror neurons help us take on the whole demeanour of that person.

(You see little children doing this when they take on Mum’s or Dad’s expressions – they’ll put their teddy-bear to bed in just the way Mum puts them to bed.)

THE MISSING LINKBut that broken chain of masculinity in the 20th century – when dads were

hardly more than a ghostly figure in the house at night time, or buried behind a newspaper, or not there at all – knocked out that role-modelling. Boys no longer knew how to ‘do’ male …

Boys who hadn’t seen a man’s way of being patient – or being tender, or being angry without being frightening – just didn’t know how to do that.

In the 60s we had to get women doctors and women professionals and women scientists to come to school – so that girls could learn that, yes, women could be and do those things. We role-model on people we perceive as being like us, and gender really comes into that.

When we don’t have those role models, it leaves a vacuum. So many 14-year-old boys put on a sort of mask. They’re aware, of course, that manhood is coming at them like a train, but they haven’t got the software or the examples. So there’s a cover-up thing that happens where the boys slam on this mask – and become the ‘tough guy’, or the ‘cool dude’, or the hard-working ‘go-getter’, or ‘Mr Cheerful’ …GRAPEVINE: Do they get a lot of ideas about those role-types from TV and movies?STEVE: Oh, yes – very much so. And when a man’s life goes wrong – a crisis happens, or marriage problems hit – the wife and children aren’t happy sitting at the dinner table with a man in a mask. They need more than that.

The wife can find her man boring, not very sexy any more, not much of a companion. The kids feel like there’s no longer a real person there. And even the man himself doesn’t really know who he is or how he should be behaving.


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.GRAPEVINE: That tough-guy act – being staunch, never showing any fear, never crying – are those stereotypes for men still around?STEVE: Sadly they’re still very common, especially among blue-collar guys who struggle anyway with employment, at the bottom of the heap and feeling a bit useless. We’re living in a society where you really get a kicking if you don’t look tough. Tattoos, smoking, downing lots of alcohol … the whole thing is part of the mask. (And, of course, plenty of corpo-rate guys wear those masks, too!)

But, you know, this isn’t all bad. That ‘staunchness’ that men show – there’s a time when it helps.

TOUCHY-FEELYIf you’re on Omaha Beach on D day with people dying and screaming all round you, you don’t want your buddies to be ‘getting in touch with their feelings’! And kids don’t like it, either, if one of their parents, dad or mum, breaks down and can’t cope.

So that staunchness can be a positive quality. But, if we don’t watch out, it can become automatic – we forget to soften or let go, and we become like a robot. GRAPEVINE: Soldiering must leave a lot of scars in men and make it hard to come home and be ‘normal’ – right?STEVE: For sure! I was a Vietnam veterans’ counsellor for quite a time. In fact, I’ve worked with soldiers from many wars now, and I don’t think anyone who’s been in combat is unharmed. It isn’t possible to kill other people and see friends killed, and not be changed. But with help, that can make you more


heartfelt, more loving. It’s a process that has to be passed through.

There’s a place near Rotorua – a little out-of-the-way stream that goes over a waterfall. I went there with my son a few years ago. It was where Maori warriors of old would ‘wash away’ the blood of war … a sacred place where, if there’d been fighting, they could go and wash in this place … the women would sing to them to help get the killing, the blood-lust and the grief out of their souls.

The ancient Greeks had something very similar. These societies recognised that men have to heal from fighting – and be honoured for the cost this has had on their souls.

The 20th century saw a hundred million people killed in wars, and most men in the western world were somehow caught up in that. It’s put this terrible wound through our fathers’ generation. GRAPEVINE: I guess the damage would range from a reluctance to talk about ‘their war’ right through to shell-shock and even madness?STEVE: Yes – and it often left a very distorted emotional range. They either felt nothing or they’d go volcanic. It was very frightening for their families. GRAPEVINE: Let’s talk about the relation-ship between boys and their fathers …STEVE: Well, the core of this is that a father is nearly always a boy’s main link to maleness. That ‘river’ flows through him. But, sadly, therapists today find that only about one man in 10 is close to his dad – and three in 10 are barely speaking! So relationships between dads and sons are in bad shape.

Robert Bly calls this the “father wound” – and, when I bring this up in seminars,

people often start weeping. When people – men or women – look at their rela-tionship with their dad, it’s often a huge gaping wound in their life story. They desperately wanted their father’s love, but it just never came through.

Somewhere in our hearts we carry this idea of what a father is supposed to be like: strong and caring and safe and shielding and fun! Both men and women have this ‘hole’ in their heart waiting to be filled – and we measure our real father against the dream-father.

Now, if that dream-father never mate-rialised, men especially believe the fault lies with them: “There’s something wrong with ME! I wasn’t interesting enough or athletic enough or good enough at school to earn my dad’s love!” And so it becomes a bitterness.GRAPEVINE: How did men respond to your book, Manhood?STEVE: Many of them did a remark-able and heroic thing – they decided to go and find their dad. One in particular traced his dad all the way to England – went there and found his dad in a nursing home, dying.

JUST IN TIMEHe got there three weeks before the old man died. He got his dad out of the nursing home and tenderly looked after him, right up until the end. He hadn’t seen his dad for 40 or 50 years. He wrote to me and thanked me “for giving me back my father” …

That was probably the most moving letter I ever received.

Think what that would’ve been like for the father, too – to have your son show

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.up after all that time and care about you, look after you like that, and want to know your story! It would be the defining event of your life, surely – and a kind of redemption.

I’m really big on redemption. It’s the primary human story: we screw up … but sometimes we get another chance. And giving our father (and ourselves) that other chance can be very, very beneficial for men.

In dealing with all this stuff, I found myself asking, “What is a man? How is a man different from a boy?” And I came across the work of a Franciscan monk, Richard Rohr. It was like a light-ning bolt for me. Rohr pointed out that there are psychological shifts – moments of perception – that have to happen to really get through that junction between boyhood and manhood.GRAPEVINE: You mean, key ideas we need to take on board? STEVE: That’s right, yes. Rohr pins down five of them – and they’re very counter to the cultural norms of today’s consumer society:1. You are going to die.2. Life is hard.3. You aren’t really all that important.4. Your life isn’t just about you.5. You are not in control of the outcome.

The pivotal one, I think, is that we’re not in this world for ourselves (#4). It’s an absolute re-shaping of how we under-stand our existence. When you’re a boy (all these things apply to some extent to girls too, of course, but this one’s espe-cially true for boys) you’re sure that life’s all about you … what adventures you can have, what fun you can have and what pleasures the world offers. You look at life as a present to unwrap. The “world’s your


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.oyster” – waiting for you to suck out all the pleasure you can.

Now, there’s a whole psychology move-ment, believe it or not, that charts how ‘happy’ people are in various life situ-ations. And a primary finding is that people who seek their own pleasure are actually not very happy.

MADE TO LAST?A new car generally makes you happy for about three days. Getting married makes you happy for about a week. None of those dreams that “so-and-so or such-and-such would really make me happy …” actually work for very long if we get them.

What we need to learn is that we’re not here for ourselves.

I remember being taught this by a very old aboriginal man. His name was David Mowarljalai, a Ngarinyin elder from the Kimberley. He told us that in his culture, boys were specifically taught that the job of men is to look after the life around them – of kangaroos and trees, and the women and children.

He deeply believed that a man’s joy and fulfilment will come from doing what-ever he can to ensure that other people thrive … that the land stays in good shape … that there’s plenty to eat … that there’s no fighting.

It’s seeing your children’s and grand-children’s and other people’s happiness. This is what puts a smile on your face … and keeps it there!

Our culture promotes an infantile approach to happiness: buy this – get that – take a trip to here … and you’ll be utterly happy! Our culture tells us “you

can have it all” – and “it’s all about you!” But actually, of course, it’s NOT! That’s what toddlers think. We need to grow up and understand those five home-truths.

The truly mature man understands that he’s never completely in control of his life – sometimes he has very, very little control indeed. Life can be hard – and we need to be told the truth about that. GRAPEVINE: Society, of course, pushes the opposite view: it’s me-me-me! What’s that doing to our teenagers?STEVE: It’s a recipe for catastrophe! Adolescence is a very dangerous passage for our young people. One-in-five young girls develops serious problems today – it usually starts around 14 when she gets into dangerous sex or binge drinking. And it’s just as dangerous for boys. If someone’s going to have a car-crash, do risky stuff, or get into trouble with bad company – it’s almost bound to happen between 14 and 20.

And, often, it’s because we adults aren’t doing our job properly. GRAPEVINE: What about men in their relationships with women – are we seeing any changes?STEVE: I think that’s improving. I have a friend who’s a very senior marriage counsellor, and he says that marriage counselling in the 80s and 90s was very difficult. When the couple came in, the man had no voice. The woman and the counsellor would have a long chat – they’d be totally on the same wavelength – and the man would sit there, unable to voice his world.

My friend told me: “What we’ve got to do is have men’s groups, and men’s books, and men’s retreats … things that help men say what they’re thinking.” By listening to


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other men, you recognize more of your inner world, and you can find words to express it. Suddenly you can express your-self in a way women can also understand.

Now today, I think we’re seeing that happen to a greater and greater extent. We may not be totally out of the woods, us men, but things are moving in a better direction.

ALIVE & KICKINGIf you talk to women about what they look for in a man, surprisingly most want a man who doesn’t just agree with them. They want men to be open about their feelings, more alive, more intense, but in a safe way – so their anger or sorrow or fear isn’t turned into hurting people.

GRAPEVINE: Do men sometimes terrify women and kids by being loud and phys-ical … unable to control their reactions?STEVE: Yes. Even with my own kids, I had to realise that I could be way too loud. There’s research that shows that girls are really bothered by loud voices (their hearing is more acute than male hearing!) So it’s extremely important that dads always act and speak gently. Often we think we’re just being firm – making our point – but there’s a definite physical menace in men who are loud, angry and not on top of their emotions.

Someone put it like this: children’s doors open inwards. They can’t “close the door” of their world. Anyone who wants to can just kick that door down. And chil-dren who experience that can never feel completely safe.

So men need to learn how to restrain that energy and power. When men play rough-and-tumble with their kids (and that’s a very helpful thing, exciting and fun if it’s done right), Dad has to know how to contain it – when to put on the brakes – so the child feels exhilarated by Dad’s energy, but still safe.

Boys actually learn how to be safe, from these roughhouse games with their dad!GRAPEVINE: What about the so-called ‘men’s movement’ – is it helping blokes to be better blokes?STEVE: When people talk of the men’s movement (or the women’s movement, too), there’s a depressing tendency to marginalise it. They portray the women’s movement as women wearing overalls and burning their bras – or the men’s movement as guys banging drums in the forest.


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Now a ‘movement’ isn’t that – it’s an outbreak of common sense! It’s some-thing that everybody suddenly grasps and moves forward with. The women’s movement was marked by a time when everybody suddenly realised that “Of course we should pay women the same as men! Of course our daughters can be doctors and airline pilots as well as mothers and nurses!”

The men’s movement isn’t those little fringe phenomena (even though some of those are very healthy). Rather, it’s the fact that your average 28-year-old dad today just automatically assumes that he’ll be at the birth … and wants to change nappies … and nothing’s going to stop him from playing with his kids and bonding with them. That he has a spirit and a creative side … and can make real friends and have his own life, not be just a walking wallet until the day he dies.

That’s the real men’s movement, throughout the western world – and it marks a great shift from one generation to the next.GRAPEVINE: Something else we’re starting to see is households where the dad not only looks after the kids at least 50% of the time – but he’s the main stay-at-home parent, with the woman earning the income. Another good sign of change?STEVE: Absolutely! When I started doing parenting talks 30 years ago now, it was funny. You’d get 50 women show up and one man – if you were lucky! Now we get 500 men and 500 women. You have to be as old as me to realise what a revolution this is.

But it doesn’t come through as much

in the media as it should, sadly. They still portray men as hopeless and dumb (exactly as they did women in the 1950s) GRAPEVINE: You believe a man’s work – his vocation – is terrifically important to his self-image and well-being don’t you?STEVE: True. The work we choose to do can be either the source of terrible damage to us, as men, or huge satisfaction. If we do a job that we don’t care about – have no passion for – if it’s just to pay the bills and allow us a little bit of life around the margins, that can destroy us.

If you want the acid test about your job, ask yourself: Would you still do your job if nobody paid you? Or would you never go anywhere near ‘work’ ever again in your life?GRAPEVINE: If you had to answer, “No, I’m only here because I’ve got kids to feed, new school uniforms to pay for, and so on …” what’s that doing to you?STEVE: It’s pretty clear that it’s doing you harm. Now, I don’t know how we solve it. It may be that we have to find activi-ties or involvements that restore some soul, some creativity – volunteering or being part of community. But the corpo-rate world – ‘the system’ – always tries to enslave us.

GOTTA FIGHT BACKThe question we have to ask is: what are the shackles that hold us? Often it’s consumerism. We have something like four times the spending power that families did in the 1950s – but, in spite of this, we generally work longer hours and we feel less happy.

Happiness studies show a peak in the 1950s. That was the happiest decade of


the 20th century … and we’ve been going down ever since.

Now if you were alive then and can remember them, the 1950s weren’t all that great. The commonest drug back then was Valium – one-in-three women took it. Yet even so, figures suggest it was the happiest time we’ve known. What does that say?

If the shackles on you are there because you feel you’ve just got to have a five-bedroom house, two cars and holidays abroad … if you’re chained to those consumerist goals, perhaps you need to look at the equation again. Some of the goals we have that make us slaves are goals we can change. Lots of people today are starting to walk away from that mindset – not the majority, yet, but encouraging numbers. GRAPEVINE: What’s your message, then, to guys today who’re wondering what it mean to be a man – what it’s really all about at a deep level? After all the thinking and writing you’ve done on it, what do you think is the essence of manhood?STEVE: The answer to that is inside you! Nobody else can tell you how to be a man. There isn’t a prescription or an official

WHAT DO YOU THINK? HAVE YOUR SAY!gO tO grapevIne’s facebOOk page. share yOur pOInt-Of-vIew and read what Others reckOn.

‘right way’ to do it. However, if you bounce off other men and hang around other men you admire, your maleness will start to resonate – but it’ll still be ‘you’.

TWENTY-THIRTEEN?In the 50s everyone knew exactly what a man was – he was John Wayne. In the 60s it was ‘the sensitive new age guy’. But that was still an act. We have to trust, man or woman, that our selfhood is not something we need to pretend or act out. It comes from inside.

You might be someone who takes on huge corporations and wrestles them to their knees – or you might be someone who grows roses.

Either way, that’s fine. What’s important is that you are YOU!

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fOr mOre InfOrmatIOn abOut steve bIddulph, hIs resOurces and Ideas, vIsIt www.stevebIddulph.cOm.

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EAT … PRAY … LOVE

IN HER WONDERFUL BOOK Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes her one-year spiritual

odyssey, a ‘search for everything’ that took her around the world. The story begins with the breakdown of her mar-riage, and a scene where she is on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, distraught and ready to do the unthinkable – pray!

It’s her first venture into prayer, so she’s not entirely sure about the etiquette. Gathering herself, she continues:

“I’m sorry to bother you so late at night, but I’m in serious trouble. And I’m sorry I haven’t ever spoken directly to you before … I’m not an expert at praying, as you know. But can you please help me? I am

in desperate need of help. I don’t know what to do. I need an answer. Please tell me what to do? Please tell me what to do? Please tell me what to do?”

Her prayer tapered itself into this sim-ple petition, ‘Please tell me what to do?’ repeated again and again.

But after a while, she stopped pleading

and sobbing and just heard this voice in her head. Not some special ‘Old Testa-ment Hollywood Charlton Heston voice’, but her own voice, speaking as she had never heard it before: perfectly wise, calm and compassionate. “Go back to bed, Liz,” it said. “The only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer.”

The bathroom floor was a turning point for Elizabeth Gilbert: a dark night of the soul, a moment of transformation. But she insists it was not a religious con-version, more the beginning of a religious conversation – the first words of an open dialogue that would bring her very close to God.

‘HOW TO BE A BAD CHRISTIAN & A BETTER HUMAN BEING’ – DAVE TOMLINSON


phOtO by francOIs duhamel

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THERE ALL ALONG!You haven’t lost your smile at all. It’s right under your nose. You just forgot it was there …

MESSY?Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there’s less cleaning up to do afterwards.

KURT VONNEGUT

DIZZY HEIGHTSDo the one thing you think you cannot do.

Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time.

The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire.

OPRAH WINfREY

ZZZZZZZZZ …People say, “I’m going to sleep now,” as if it was nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity: “For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.”

If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird

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and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen:

They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be okay. And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occa-sionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, “The creature is regenerating itself!”

GEORGE CARLIN – ‘BRAIN DROPPINGS’

EFFECTIVEspeak softly … and own a big,

mean bulldog!


HOW TO BE HUMAN?You came from God and will return to God. Your deepest DNA is divine. You’re already a spiritual being. The much more difficult question is how to be human! That is what we have yet to learn.

I believe that’s why Jesus came as a human being: he didn’t come to teach us how to go to heaven but to teach us how to be simple, loving human beings here on this earth.

Some ‘non-religious’ people do this much better than us ‘spiritual’ folks …

RICHARD ROHR

LONGEVITYLove at first sight is easy to understand. It’s when two people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle.

SAM LEVENSON

TIGHTER!Hold a true friend with both hands.

NIGERIAN PROVERB

PARENT-MIRACLEBefore you were conceived I wanted you.Before you were born I loved you.Before you were here an hour I would die for you.This is the miracle of life.

MAUREEN HAWKINS

DESTINATIONSThere are two places for everyone: the place we imagine – and the one waiting for us when we get there.

PENELOPE TODD – ‘DIGGING fOR SPAIN’

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YOUR CALL:you can throw in the towel – or you can use it to wipe the

sweat off your face.

AWOLI’ve gone away to find myself. should I return before I get back, please keep me here.

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GO ON!Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you DIDN’T do than by the ones you DID do. So …• throw off the bowlines• sail away from safe harbour• catch the trade winds in your sails• explore• dream• discover!

MARK TWAIN

MISSING?There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me, but I had it surgically removed.

PETER SELLERS

YOUR BEST WILL DOIt’s funny. I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then, when I grew up, I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools – friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty – and said “Do the best you can with these; they will have to do!”

And mostly, against all odds, they do …ANNE LAMOTT – ‘TRAVELLING MERCIES’

DARE TO DREAMGod always rejoices when we dare to dream. In fact, we are much like God when we dream. The Master exalts in newness. He delights in stretching the old. He wrote the book on making the impossible possible.

Examples? Check the Book:• Eighty year old shepherds don’t usually

play chicken with Pharaohs … but don’t tell that to Moses.

• Teenage shepherds don’t normally have showdowns with giants … but don’t tell that to David.

• Night-shift shepherds don’t usually get to hear angels sing and see God in a stable … but don’t tell that to the Bethlehem bunch.

• And for sure don’t tell that to God. He’s spent an eternity making the earth-bound airborne.

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PAY-BACK!he who plants thorns should not expect to gather roses.

(arabian proverb)

spotthe difference

Science Fairby Tim Tripp

TRY TO SPOT THESE 20 DIffERENcES ... find Grapevine on facebook to see if you got them all!

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julIa blOOre chats wIth thIs passIOnate dOmestIc gOddess …

Wendyl Nissen


Wendyl Nissen

1who does your business card say you are … and who are you really?

WENDYL: My business card says that I’m a writer and a business owner. I run Wendyl’s Green Goddess, and we make natural cleaners. But who am I really? I’m a grandmother, mother and wife.

2what’s your favourite childhood memory?WENDYL: Fishing with my dad

in his old 12-foot clinker dinghy. We’d take the little boat out into the Hauraki, off Birkenhead, on a Sunday morning. I loved the serenity of the ocean and the quietness. My dad’s a quiet person, so we’d just sit there, listening to the lapping of the water on the bottom of the boat. That’s still my happiest place – on the water.

3three most important things to you?WENDYL: My primary concern

is that my family is happy – and when they’re all happy at the same time, it’s a very good day! Secondly, my relationship with my husband. I regard that as being very special – and we put a lot of work into not letting it go stale and keeping it really healthy. The third thing is that my place on this earth doesn’t leave too big a footprint. I’m really conscious of treading carefully in a world that’s in danger of being overused.

4you’ve recently changed the way you’re approaching life –

especially in terms of work and family. can you explain that a little?

WENDYL: As a daughter of the feminist revolution, we were told that we could do anything – so we did everything. I don’t for one minute think that this fabu-lous freedom shouldn’t have been there; it was great growing up with the oppor-tunity to do what I wanted to do. But, in my case, there was an over-enthusiasm … and I became very exhausted, quite unfulfilled and a bit of a man! I found that I needed to get back to some more base values that I really enjoyed, like nurturing my family and spending time with them. I realised that being in the corporate office block earning a big salary is something that’s not necessarily valuable to me anymore. My approach is not anti-feminist … I was a working mum for 25 years. But it seemed like the women who were working felt guilty and the women who stayed at home felt guilty. I think it’s about time we stood up and said, actually, I’m just going to do what I want to do.

5what would you like to be remembered for?WENDYL: Oh that’s a deep

one! I guess I’d like to be remembered as someone who lived my life well. I’d be devastated if I got to my deathbed and I hadn’t achieved anything. It’s very impor-tant to me that I make the most of every day and end each day feeling like I’ve done something worthwhile.

6highlight of your career?WENDYL: Because I’m a jour-

nalist, my highlight has always been getting the stories that no-one else could get. And the peak of my career was

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scoring the Aaron and Lorraine Cohen story. I’d worked on it for three years, and when they got released from jail I got the story ahead of everyone else!

7the best birthday present you’ve ever received?

WENDYL: Last year was my 50th birthday, and my husband and I spent four weeks on a cruise ship. That was bliss for me! To this day if I’m stressed out or I can’t sleep, I just have to go back there in my mind and look at those

Norwegian fjords and fantastic oceans. We’re still paying for it! But that was my best birthday gift ever.

8book you find yourself recommending the most?

WENDYL: I’m a really big reader, so I’ll have to name a few. If you’re looking for fiction, Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. For non-fiction, my favourite would be Michael Pollan’s Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual. If you really need a good laugh then David Sedaris will give it to you – his book Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls is hilarious.

9what do you do to relax?WENDYL: I haven’t been good

at relaxing in the past. But in the last few years I’ve started meditation. I don’t do it every day, just when I need it. Exercise helps, so I head to the gym three times a week. I also swim as often as I can.

10One thing you’ve learnt about life so far that you’d love

to pass on.WENDYL: We have five children. And one of the things that I’ve always told them, is to make sure they do what they want to do in life – not what others expect them to do. I see it so often when parents want their kids to be doctors or lawyers and all the kid wants to do is be an artist. If you have to work hard, and get up at 5am, it’s so much better if you enjoy what you’re getting up for. If you don’t, it causes a lot of stress. I just love writing, so getting up and working hard is a joy.


GOD, HIS MUM & COFFEE!

mIke cOOney Is grapevIne’s assOcIate edItOr. ‘scrubcutters’ are radIO spOts – see www.scrubcutter.cOm – heard by 180,000 peOple each weekday On the newstalkzb netwOrk.

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opportunity to regain some dignity when he suddenly turned to me, eyes all wide and excited: “He talked to me!” he announced.

“Well, what did he say?” I asked.“He said he’s making a coffee … for

his mum!”So there you go. In the space of a

few minutes my boy was on talking terms with God, discussing the impor-tant things in life!

And who would’ve thought that God’s mum was a coffee drinker?

I WAS REMINDED THE other day of a conversation I once had with my oldest son

– about Santa and God and stuff like that. He was only four at the time, and I’d just snuck him out of bed to watch the Christmas lights with me – a bit of father-and-son bonding.

Anyway, in the darkness he started asking questions about God … and I tried my best to answer him. I told him that God was everywhere and we can talk to him anytime – just like I was talking now.

Figuring to lead by example, I started trying to have a conversation with God. But a few seconds into it, my boy suddenly stopped me: “No, Dad! Just talk to him – don’t pray!”

Having just been put in my place by a four-year-old, I suggested he should have a go, since he obviously knew how it went …

“What are you doing?” he asked, just moments later. And, thinking he’d directed the question at me, I started to answer. But, with a stern look on his face, my son told me to “Shush, Dad. I’m talking to God!” … and went on to indicate that God wasn’t answering.

My pride, by now, was slightly dented. And I was searching for an


getting lost in a big city is not normally a good idea. but venice is one place where it doesn’t hurt to forget your map and go awOl for a while. In fact, one of the nicest things you can do

in this most romantic old town is go wandering, meandering, sauntering and strolling – down cobblestoned streets, over tiny stone bridges, past glittering shop-windows, across tranquil waterways, wherever the urge takes you and for as long as it feels good. because venice, you see, is unique in all the world …

o sole mio!


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T his ancient city, rising from the lagoon like a mirage, was built on stilts 1600 years ago. In its heyday

it was a regional super-power, boasting a formidable navy (capable of turning out a warship a day), strong-arming its stroppy neighbours, and playing host to VIPs. Marco Polo dreamed dreams here, Wagner composed here, Byron wrote here, Galileo tested his telescope here, Shakespeare penned ‘Merchant of Venice’ here, and Elvis Presley crooned “It’s now or never!” from here. (Or maybe he didn’t, but who cares?)

These days, the 120-plus islands that make up the main chunk of Venice are linked not by roads but by 400 criss-crossing canals. And the city is drowning, apparently, sinking slowly beneath the tides – thanks, I reckon, to the combined weight of tourists plus pigeons that, at any one time, swarm its length and breadth.

to the back door of our lodgings: the Hotel Saturnia, a beautifully-restored 14th-century merchant’s mansion, with ornately decorated rooms, period furnishings, and pinch-me-please views out the window by our four-poster bed!

We woke next morning to the sound of loud gongs echoing from the massive 15th-century bell-tower in the heart of Venice, and gondoliers shouting to

o sole mio!

But, ahh, what the heck? Another tourist or two wasn’t gonna make any difference …

Abandoning our coach on the mainland, we loaded bodies and bags into a vaporetto (water-taxi) and sped off down some alarmingly-narrow canals

one another from the decks of their sleek black vessels. Then, following a tasty Italian breakfast, we found our way to the enormous St Mark’s Square – with its magnificent pink-and-lacy Doges’ Palace (the Palazzo Ducale, featuring gold-plated ceilings and vast oil paintings) … its elaborate cathedral (the Basilica di San Marco, first built in 830 AD to house the body of St Mark) … and its hungry pigeons.

We then engaged in some arm-in-arm wandering, meandering, sauntering and strolling … pretending to know where we were going (like all the other tourists) … pretending to shop (I nearly bought my wife an expensive glass ornament, two pure pink doves) … and pretending we were on our honeymoon (hanging over the edge


of a cute little bridge called the ‘Bridge of Sighs’ while other couples drifted beneath us, their gondoliers leaning on long oars and singing sweet barcaroles. Sigh …)

Finally, across another bridge (the legendary Rialto), we sat down at a table in Venice’s oldest restaurant and pigged-out on pizza.

Day 2 saw us whistling up another vaporetto and heading off along the Guidecca Canal (once

described as “the world’s finest street with the world’s finest houses”) … past

noble mansions built in the 13th-to-18th centuries, soaring churches thrusting spires at the sky, and gondolas bobbing at their moorings.

Our destination? Two of Venice’s outer islands …

The first, Murano, has been the Venetian glass-blowing centre since 1291, and tradesmen still practice their jealously-guarded craft today. We poked our noses inside one of the famous factories, saw a glass-blower doing his thing, and window-shopped in a

showroom filled with exquisite crystal.

Then, on the equally famous island of Burano, we watched local women busy at their intricate lace-making (just a small piece of lace can take weeks to complete), explored streets lined with multi-coloured houses, and sampled yummy home-baked cookies.

It was a warm-and-balmy afternoon as we motored back


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wOuld yOu lIke tO see venIce fOr yOurself? jOIn Other adventure-lOvIng kIwIs On thIs luxury cruIse-Of-a-lIfetIme In sept 2014 – mIdlIfe madness On the medIterranean. phOne 0800 277 477 Or vIsIt www.jOhncOOney.cO.nz.

to the main island. The water was calm-as-a-millpond. And Venice was working its magic on us.

That night, “as the big red Italian sun lowered itself gently towards the horizon”, we ramped up the romance and had ourselves a Gondola Serenade: with us sitting like royalty in the proud, polished rowboat … drifting through the picturesque canals, the darkened waters lapping against the sides … our gondolier working his long pole, and an Italian tenor with a wheezy piano-accordion serenading us in the traditional fashion.

“O sole mio …”

We departed Venice the following day aboard a wouldn’t-it-be-luverly cruise-

ship, gliding slowly down the bustling

Grand Canal. Ahead of us were other exotic destinations – Croatia, the Greek Isles, Turkey and beyond. But the midday sun was caressing that world-famous waterfront. And as we stood at the deck-rail waving “Arrivederci!” (goodbye) to the tourists who were waving to us from St Mark’s Square, the now-familiar archways and bridges, domes and palaces, fizz-boats and water-buses and graceful gondolas seemed to beckon us back.

Ahh, yes – that’s Venice. It’s hard to tear yourself away!


kIDDIE-WISDOm:

DO YOU NEED A WASH?

A LITTLE GIRL HAD BEEN supermarket-shopping with her mum. She must have been

six years old, this beautiful red-haired, freckle-faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning, just inside the door.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmer-ized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as

a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in: “Mum, let’s run through the rain,” she said.

“What?” Mum asked. “Let’s run through the

rain!” she repeated. “No, honey. We’ll wait

until it slows down a bit,” Mum replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: “Mum, let’s run through the rain!”

“We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mum said.

“No, we won’t, Mum. That’s not what you said this morning,” the young girl said as she tugged at her Mum’s arm.

“This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?”

“Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!’”

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mum paused and thought for a moment about what she would say.

Now some would laugh it off and

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WANT TO READ mORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2011, ISSUE 3 … & FIND ‘ALL BLACKS DON’T CRY’

silence is golden. unless you have a preschooler, then silence is suspicious.

SMILE … #1

scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s life. A time when innocent trust could be nurtured so it will bloom into faith.

“Honey, you’re absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain! If God lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” said Mum.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and, yes, through

MaMas & papas:BEAR-ING ALL!

IN MY NEXT LIFE, I wanna be a female bear.

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you’re a bear, you give birth to your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping, and you wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your

cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. And I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup … I wanna be a bear!

the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few others,who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

authOr unknOwn


cyber-safety:PROTECTING YOUR KIDS ONLINE

DO YOU FEEL YOU JUST can’t cope with all the computer games, smart-phones, iPods,

social networks, texting, gadgets and ‘aps’ that your kids are into these days? Well, we recently caught up with Lee Chisholm from NetSafe, and asked her what’s happening these days online … and how parents can protect their kids:

“The most important thing parents

can do is be involved with their young people right from the moment they start using the computer. In my grandchildren’s case, they started at about three or four. And when I got my first smart-phone they figured out how to take photos with it before I did!

“From the very first time they use this tech-nology, whether they’re online yet or not, that’s the time to be talking with them about it. And once they start going online, we need to have our rules set out … we need to talk about why this matters, why we don’t want them looking at certain types of sites, and so on … we need to make their online activi-ties part of the dinner-time conversation.

“It’s still a good idea, if there’s a family computer, to have it where adults can drift past every now and then and keep tabs on what the kids are looking at and doing. But today they’ve got so many other devices and so much ability to connect that you have to TALK to them about it. Just as you’d talk to them about road safety or water safety or the possibility

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WANT TO READ mORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2012, ISSUE 3 … & FIND ‘KEEPING KIDS SAFE IN CYBERSPACE’


yes, officer. I’m speeding because I want to get there before I forget where I’m going.

SMILE … #2

If I’d known how wonderful grandchildren are, I would have had them first!

SMILE … #3

of meeting someone unsavoury on the street, so you have to talk about net-safety.

“Many parents didn’t grow up with all this happening, so they’re not very comfortable discussing it. But it’s unrealistic to think that you can keep children isolated. Our young people are

ALL growing up with technology filling their lives – so it’s just vital that parents take an informed interest …”

tricKy QUestions:BIRDS & BEES

A PUZZLED BOY ASKS his father, “Dad: what is sex?” The father’s somewhat surprised,

but he figures if the kid’s old enough to ask the question, he’s old enough for a straight answer. So, he proceeds to tell his young son all about the birds and the bees. But, after hearing his expla-nation, the little guy is looking at him more puzzled than ever.

So the father probes: “Hey son, why did you ask me about this?”

The little guy replies, “Oh, Mum said to tell you that dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”


parenting after divorce:COPING WITH THE EX FACTOR!

MANY PEOPLE EMERGE FROM separation and divorce feeling scarred, bitter and broken. But

there are exceptions. What makes the difference? In a word: ATTITUDE! Jill Darcey runs the Complex Family Foun-dation and helps others survive the storm and build better parenting styles:

Grapevine: Many people regard life-after-divorce as a sort of prison-sentence, without hope or happiness, don’t they?

Jill: Sadly, that’s true. The one who leaves (the ‘leaver’) often has someone waiting outside the relationship

– so has lots of hope. But the ‘leavee’ is shattered and hope has gone. There’s a lot of judgement about divorce, and when it happens the leavee often feels condemned – and convinced that they’ll never find another partner.

GV: Are they right to feel that?

Jill: No, I believe there IS hope. I too went through that deep, dark nightmare. It’s very real and overwhelming. But in the end, divorce is an event, not a life-sentence. And it’s how you deal with it that makes the difference.

GV: You suggest it mostly comes down to taking a positive view – giving yourself a talking-to: “I’m going to be civil. I’m not going to degen-

erate into bitterness and fighting!” But isn’t that very hard to do?

Jill: Phenomenally hard! That’s why so many don’t. The fact is, you can’t hold a marriage together if one party wants to leave. I felt initially that, somehow, I could. But if the other person decides, “That’s it – it’s over!” – there’s nothing you can do about it. They’re gone.

However, the leaver is still a parent. Often the person left behind believes

that their “ex” is not only saying “I don’t want to be with you,” but also, “I don’t want to be a PARENT!” But that couldn’t be further from the truth. They’re not

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WANT TO READ mORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2012, ISSUE 2 … & FIND ‘COPING WITH THE EX FACTOR’

GRAPEPUZZLE SOLUTIONS (See puzzles on Page 24)

WORD SEARCH – fARM LIfE SUDOKU MEDIUM


WORDSEARCH – FARM-LIFE (SOLUTION PAGE 67)


SOLUTION


SOLUTION

4 6 9 5 6 8

4 6 2 7 7 4 5 8 8 5 4 2 8 3 5 3 2 9 8 5 2 6 2 7

2 5 8 1 7 4 6 9 3 9 7 3 5 6 2 8 4 1 4 1 6 9 3 8 2 5 7 7 4 1 2 9 5 3 8 6 3 8 5 6 1 7 4 2 9 6 2 9 8 4 3 7 1 5 5 3 7 4 2 9 1 6 8 1 9 4 3 8 6 5 7 2 8 6 2 7 5 1 9 3 4


SUDOKU – MEDIUM (SOLUTION PAGE 67)

leaving their children – they’re leaving the marriage!

So we have to say, “Okay, we made babies together … how can we protect the children we made?” And that’s not easy. You’ve got to put aside your own hurt feelings. I don’t mean you ignore stuff – you’ve got to deal with that hurt eventually. But, when it comes to the

children, we have to look very dispas-sionately at things … we have to disas-sociate ourselves from those bruised feelings …

bedside prayers:AMEN

DEAR GOD, THANK YOU for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy. I never

asked for anything before. You can look it up. (Janey)

Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? (Charlene)

Dear God, is it true Dad won’t go to heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? (Anita)

Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don’t, who does? (Nathan)

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