The Path to Peaceful Family Life

Present Moment Parenting

Kim Flood, BA, Certified Parent Coach

Parents have a choice and the power to heal.

It’s healing for both the parents and the children to learn new ways of interacting.

What We’ll Learn Today

Unwrapping Child Behavior

A Physiological Approach

Thinking about the effect of communication on the child’s BODY

The child’s brain is seeking the same level of intensity. When it reaches that level, it is highly rewarding of the behavior.

Section 1

The Institute of Heartmath The heart is responsive to emotional input. The heart has its own neurological system and it sends

messages to the brain! 

How is the Heart Involved?

Messages sent repeatedly strengthen heart-brain neural pathways.

All learning

Fight Flight Freeze

 

Adrenaline’s Role

Dr. Daniel Siegel’s The Mindful Brain

Dr. Paul Pearsall’s The Heart’s Code

To Read:

The Child as an Organism

Sunshine of our loveWater of positivity for good behavior

Fertilizer of teaching values

Care of the Organism

When you … I feel … because …

Your power is in the positives.

Strengthening neural pathways increases the behavior you WANT.

Heartfelt Appreciation

At what age do children start to willfully manipulateadults?

When Does Innocence Disappear?

When we live in fear, we miss the love.

How Much of Parenting is Fear?

Punishment has three results:

Temporary stoppage of the behavior

The need to retaliate

Fear

Why doesn’t punishment work?

For parents

For kids

No Guilt

Judge, Blame, Punish Cycle

We were all raised based on this model.

Society is oriented this way, too.

Tapping the Power of the Present Moment

The Power of Now A New Earth

Eckhart Tolle wrote

Decreases fear for you

Joins the child where he/she lives.

Honors your relationship.

Slows you both down.

Staying in the Present Moment

What is individuation?

Ask questions rather than issue directives.

Show sincere interest in his/her interests, friends, issues.

Support the Child’s Individuation

Listen deeply. Individuation

The New Way:Growing Desired Behaviors

Section 2 - Solutions!

Plan for pregnancy, birth, and parenting.

Respond with sensitivity.

Use nurturing touch.

Engage in nighttime parenting.

Nourishing healthy attachment with infants and young children

A New Role for Parents

Where they didn’t previously exist

More than “catching kids being good.” Watch for successes wherever they may be.

Set up success opportunities

Some kids can’t take positives.

“I know its hard or uncomfortable to hear the good things, but its my job to tell you the good things. Pretty soon you will get used to it.”

Write notes.

Can you think of an example besides talking to get the positive message across?

Opposition to positive input

The family meeting

Implementing the New Way:

Say what you love about being in the family.

Each person takes a turn and has as many turns as they need.

Talk until you are finished.

Say what you love about being in the family.

End the meeting.

The Family Meeting

Adds ceremony to your family life. Rewards and reinforces what you want:

listening.

Benefits of the Family Meeting

Build family identity, creating belongingness.

A forum for issues that everyone can use.

Parenting on the “front end” of the behavior.

Benefits of the Family Meeting

Say what you love about being in the family (at the beginning of each meeting.)

Report “like the news” about issues.

Ask for solutions.

Children make the rules.

Second Family Meeting

Start with “no.”

Rules

Include the children in making the list.

It’s their list. You are the

secretaries. At the end, add to

the list.Say, “We might need

to make up rules on the spot.”

Rules

Rules are only discussed when there has been no infraction (give no attention to infractions.)

Rules

“Let’s have a do-over.”-Do-overs are very effective, as they teach the alternative behavior.

-They move you toward the child, instead of away.

What to say …

Don’t start your answer with “no.”

Don’t start your request with the child’s name.

Ask a question.

Avoid Triggering Opposition

Play the scene as it happened, and then play it over with clear communication and respect.

Do-overs

You have had the second family meeting.

The rules are posted.

The do-overs have been rehearsed when there is no infraction.

You have switched roles to rehearse.

Do not use do-overs until …

It is simply a procedure.

Let the kids know.

The do-over is NOT punishment.

“Did you see what your baby brother just did? What do you think he will do next?”

Use do-overs whenever you can.

Redirect very young kids.

Warning

Negotiation

What to avoid

Children are scientistsTesting: one, two, three…

Right now.

Remember, your power is in the positives.