the last taboo. jerrold lee shapiro, ph.d. professor, santa clara university licensed clinical...
TRANSCRIPT
JERROLD LEE SHAPIRO, Ph.D.
Professor, Santa Clara UniversityLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Los Altos
Father of a daughter and a sonFrequent soccer and little league coach
When it comes to money and financial matters, it is common for members of a couple to have differences of opinion
WHY IS THIS SO?
• Greed and Fear• Money as a taboo subject• The “power” of money in a relationship• money as “dirty”• lack of knowledge on what money can
and cannot bring (i.e. it can’t bring happiness)
• Guilt and competitiveness
From a couples’ therapist’s perspective…...
• Money conflicts are poly-determined• They often have some factual numerical
basis• They always have emotional component• They reflect beliefs and values• They are usually hard to discuss
effectively• Many couples hold secrets about
finances
Exercise
Make a list of cliché’s about money that were present in your home when
you were growing up.
Compare your list with that of your partner.What are the similarities? What are the Differences?
Exercise
• What’s important about money TO YOU?
What’s important about ___________ to you?
• Is there anything more important than __________ to you?
What’s important about money to you?
• Security• Freedom• improve my life and that of my
family• Win a competition• Try to demonstrate personal self
worth by financial wherewithal• Improve the community
Exercise
What do you find disquieting about your personal relationship to money? (i.e. saving/spending patterns)?
What do you find disquieting about your partner’s relationship to money?
Men and Women(fathers and mothers)
communicateDIFFERENTLY
It’s not just because of the topic.
When it comes to emotional topics,
MEN UNDERSTAND AND RESPOND TO THEIR WORLD FROM THE OUTSIDE -- IN
MOTHERS DO IT FROM THE INSIDE -- OUT
Gender & Communication
men women• Time limited• Bottom line first• One subject at a
time• Shoulder to
shoulder • Clear expectations• Primarily
informational
• Time open• Story first• Many subjects
interwoven• Face-to-face• Open expectations• Primarily relational
The Corpus Callosum
Women’s (mothers’) unbreakable invisible emotional umbilical cord
Serial problem solving
Men’s based on the life and death implications of hunting and war
Gender Communication Styles
• What’s the topic?
• Do you want me to listen and reflect what I am hearing or do you want me to fix a problem?
As in all personal conversations
• Focus on “facts” and agreements
• More reliance on budget• Solving problems by
increasing earnings• silence under stress• will tend to blame
• Focus on internal reality, changing feelings
• Reliance on current needs• identify problems to be
discussed• will talk when under stress• will tend to blame
MEN WOMEN
Fiscal concerns
• Without actual numbers (not to the penny), discussions are all about fantasy
• Living within one’s means• Agreements need to be kept or
changed before action
Psychological Concerns
• The obvious topic may not be the “REAL” issue
• Styles with money predate meeting one’s partner
• What are the “holy needs” for spending or saving? (children, work, appearances???)
What can you do about it?
• Determine the type of conversation
recognize that conversations about money are rarely just financial. They are also about emotions and values
• Realize that the emotional and fiscal components must both be addressed and that they are both important Recognize that unilateral actions around money may be experienced as BETRAYAL by a partner. Set agreements on budgets; Make changes in agreements prior to acting on them.