the jezebel remedy - excerpt

8/20/2019 The Jezebel Remedy - Excerpt

1/22

Chapter One

But . . .

Her husband, Joe Stone, was in hisofce at the opposite end o thebuilding, a pair o matching Persianrugs and a long hallway o beatenoak boards distant, his door shut,their sweet cur dog, Brownie,probably doing tail to snout on achamois pad beside the heat !ent,and Joe was no doubt e"plaining

e!ery boilerplate detail o theumpteenth will he#d prepared or hismercurial, crackpot client $ettiePauline %anSandt, who, only a ewminutes ago, had tracked red mud

across the nice carpets and into hisofce, heedless as always. &othingbut a damn millstone, $ettie. 'orsure, neither she nor Joe would tend


2/22

to the mud.

$isa (gnes )ennedy Hotchkiss Stoneand Joe had been married almosttwenty years. She had *!e names,whereas he had only two, lackedanything in the middle. +&&- washow it appeared on his dri!er#slicense. Joe && Stone. She and Joehad been law partners or practicallyall those years, ust the two o themand their !arious secretaries, as wellas an ofce manager they#d been

able to a/ord once the moneybecame consistent. 0his !ery&o!ember morning, watching himpour a cup o black co/ee in theirkitchen, she#d appreciated1again12

what a graceul and handsome manhe was3 tall1right at si"2three1butnot gangly or a beanpole, thick hairthat held its dark color and se!eral


3/22

wa!es at age orty2our, and a aceull o *erce calm that was laid in

deep and precise, difcult to budge.She lo!ed him, absolutely she did,she lo!ed her husband.

( %irginia 4ode !olume was open onher desk, but she#d gottensidetracked and wasn#t reading it. (single page had cowlicked awayrom the rest, 5oating betwi"t andbetween. $ately she#d elt a bitstuck, preoccupied with the 5at

patches in her lie, mulling andnoodling, 5ummo"ed by how sheseemed to ha!e wandered across aninsidious boundary and beenshanghaied into a dull land o earth

tones, Scrabble games, paint2by22number !acations, 4inema" replayso ( Star 6s Born, monthly potlucks,$ean 4uisines, cobwebs, dust


4/22

bunnies, marital con!ersationsretarded by a mumbled +Huh7- or a

distracted +8hat, sweetie7,-community center 9umba classes,5annel, mismatched sil!erware,lukewarm champagne and bo" stepse!ery :ecember ;


5/22

both her parents with no realwarning, ust unair as hell. Her

momma was killed by a monstrousclot and ne!er woke up rom a noonnap, the laundry still wooden2pinnedto an outside line, a pound o shrimpthawing in the sink, a candy dish*lled with pink, yellow and greenbutter mints on the dining roomtable, ready or 8ednesday bridgeclub. Her darling dad was gone amonth later, walloped by a massi!estroke, so tough he#d held on or

almost a week beore he died, barelyse!enty, paralyed and grimacing ina hospital bed and unable to speak,and it was impossible to sit throughtwo sweltering Baptist unerals and

not wonder when her day wascoming, whether she was wastingher own precious time.


6/22

(lso, and she tried not to be hateulabout it, but bless his heart, some o

Joe#s =uirks and habits had becomea pain or her, and this wasn#thelping her disposition, either. 0hecharming cowboy boots she#dcottoned to back in law school nowstruck her as Henry 4ounty hayseedi he wore them o/ the arm. &amingtheir shaggy black puppy with thesingle white spot on his 5ankBrownie was genius, but then came)atrina and &ew >rleans and Joe hit

his own endless ackpot, and e!erytime . . . e!ery reaking time . . . themutt would roll o!er or shake handsor etch his tennis ball, aspredictable as a cuckoo clock at

hal2hour inter!als, Joe would cruciyher last ner!e with the +hecku!a ob,Brownie- line, and yesterday, in?@


7/22

praising the dog or scratching at thekitchen door, the same slobbering

ruckus e!ery 0uesday, the poocheager or the ront yard, where hecould bark and greet the garbagetruck.

Joe would absolutely ignite and go'ull $ewis1her term, ater Jerry$ewis#s spastic &utty Proessor12whene!er he heard the opening ri/o +Black 4o/ee in Bed- or Haroldel!in and the Blue &otes# +Bad

$uck.- &o matter how many timeshe#d listened to the intro, no matterhow dated and old2hat the songs.

(t work, there was the trite sha!e22

and2a2haircut knock despite herbegging him not to do it e!er again,please.


8/22

He would make her sit in his ofceand he#d +call the shareholders#

meeting to order- and they#d !oteon replacing the gutters or buying anew computer, e!en though it wasonly them, Joe and $isa, husbandand wie1they were the entire law*rm.

She was weary o his corny +greatgoogly moogly- and, at the otherend o the spectrum, his crass,indiscriminate use o the word uck.

8orst was his riding a motor scooter1not a motorcycle, mind you1totown in warm weather, this hugeman putt2putting down Starling

(!enue, an embarrassing big2asshelmet strapped underneath his chinso that he a!ored the Areat Aaoo,the cray cartoon alien rom 0he


9/22

'lintstones, and, yeah, o course heknew the whole deal was gooy, but

she was unable to con!ince him thate!en a ma"imum dose o sel22awareness and a tongue2in2cheekpenumbra can#t sa!e some choicesrom coming o/ as idiotic.

0o be air about it, she realied thatsome o her ailings had to botherhim, especially how she oten orgotto completely close the dresserdrawers and occasionally spilled nail

polish on the bathroom tile andne!er returned the li!ing roomphone to its base, and there wereprobably heaps o other irritationsthat he was too decent to mention.

He kept things in check much betterthan she did.

She lo!ed him though, she did, lo!ed


10/22

him in the ashion, she supposed,that you lo!e a spouse hamstrung by

two decades o marriage, lo!ed himwith most o the shiny paintscrubbed o/, the gloss long agoweathered away, her a/ection downto the solid girders and nuts andbolts and sturdy welds, the steelguts o the arrangement.

But . . .

She stared at the taupe grass cloth

they#d selected rom a rity


11/22

places, especially at the corners andabo!e the baseboards, and a ew

loose lengths o grass cocked outrom their bindings like crippledinsect legs. ( !ertical seam hadseparated, and Joe had tried torepair it with a specialty glue he#ddisco!ered at 8almart, but the *"wasn#t what it should#!e been, sothere was a bulge not ar rom theceiling, an ob!ious sag that neededattention.

Joe#s !oice came o!er her phone,!ery ormally asking i she couldwalk down the hall and witness$ettie#s will, his words soundingtinny and o/2pitch through the

speaker. +Sure,- she said. Shenoticed the numbers on the phone#ss=uare metal buttons were gettingharder and harder to see, eroded by


12/22

thousands o pecks and taps, almostto the =uick. +&o problem.-

She knocked and entered his ofcewithout pausing, and Brownie raisedhis head and thumped2thumped22thumped2thumped his tail, anarrhythmic beat that caught bothcloth and the hardwood past theedge o his pad. 0he dog#s welcomedidn#t last long, soon ended with acollapse and a sigh, a lay tonguesloshing o!er his teeth and slight

lips. 0he lips were black, matchedhis ur.

$isa traced the muddy shoeprints toa chair where Joe#s most persistent

!isitor sat. 'ortyish andspectacularly tattooed, +Petty $ettie-%anSandt hadn#t =uit at simplyinking her pale skin and matchstick


13/22

limbsC she#d also gussied hersel upwith three nose rings and a gigantic

gold ront tooth ust in case theneedle painting neededaccessoriing or wasn#t o!erwroughtand sideshow enough. (s a *nalbaro=ue 5ourish, she#d recentlyadded a tongue piercing, a tiny sil!erbarbell she could rattlesnake outrom behind the ake tooth. $ettieclaimed she#d done the ob hersel,with an ice cube and ree2clinichydrocodone tablets to numb the

meat.

+y gracious,- she e"claimed. +6t#s:ella Street. 0he co/ee made andplants watered and paper clips

ordered7- 0here was a pet carrierbeside her on the 5oor. ( cat wasinside.


14/22

+:on#t start with $isa,- Joe warnedher, his tone *rm but mi"ed with a

tiny undercurrent o amusement.+Dou know the rule.- He was behinda !ideo camera, a Stone and Stone(ttorneys at $aw ac=uisition thatmade possible his latest ser!ice, ano2rills recording o people as theyread their wills aloud. 0he *ty e"tradollars also purchased the chance tosay your piece and ha!e the lastwordC e!ery syllable and cadence,whether praise or grie!ance, rebuke

or orgi!eness, was captured on adisc Joe placed in the client#s *lealong with a copy o the signed *nalpapers. 0estators oten camedressed to the nines and most took

the e!ent =uite seriously, ashioningtheir sentences careully andsoberly, as i they were mouthingchurch creeds or the Pledge o


15/22

(llegiance. ore important, the :%:also memorialied the maker#s

competence and clear mind in casethere were any challenges or=uestions later on, a genuine twoer,as Joe put it.

+Hello, $ettie,- $isa said coolly. +6sthat a cat you#!e brought with you toour ofce7-

$ettie#s three acres and ramshackletrailer were home to innumerable

cats and dogs, strays and discardsall, so many that anonymous do22gooders periodically called $ee >rr,the animal control ofcer, and askedhim to check on the poor things#

welare, and he#d grumble and curseand drag out to her place, easing thecounty truck along her rutted dirtdri!e, and he always ound e!ery


16/22

single creature well ed and kindlytreated and granted ree run o the

premises, inside the double2widee!en, bedroom, den, kitchencounters, it didn#t seem to matter.But make no mistake, $ettie had hertolerances and kept her sanctuaryreasonably clean, once using abroom to thwack a careless hound12right in ront o the ofcer1when itcommenced to s=uat and was toonear the ackleg wooden deck.

+Deah. So7 Dou got a problem7->ddly, $ettie grinned large andshowed her gold tooth to ull e/ect.

+&ot really. 8hat#s the cat#s name7-

$isa pasted on a phony smile. aybeshe could su/er through this.

+8hy the hell would 6 name it,


17/22

:ella7- $ettie asked. +Huh7 6t#s adamn catC it don#t speak English or

understand nothing #bout no name.$ike e!ery other animal, it ustcomes to my !oice and knows thesound o a lid peelin# o/ a can oood. 6 suppose you#d gi!e a name toa parakeet7 Aold*sh7 ( skunk7-

+0hat#s twenty2*!e more added toyour bill, $ettie,- Joe intoned. He#d*nished adusting a tripod so thecamera was aimed s=uarely at her.

+Deah. (nd 6 been thinkin# aboutthat, your little Frule.# 6 it#s twenty22*!e bucks to be insultin# to yoursecretary there, how much would it

cost me to ust slap the beesus outo her7-

+&ow you#re at *ty. $isa isn#t my


18/22

secretary. Dou know as much. 6#!etold you a hundred times o!er. She#s

a lawyer. Probably a better lawyerthan 6 am. She was law re!iew at theGni!ersity o %irginia. eaning,$ettie, she#s smart as a whip. Hey12look at how much money she#smaking or us right this instant. 'itybucks in three minutes by merelywalking down the hall.-

'or some reason, beore she spoke,$ettie tapped her garish tooth with

her inde" *nger. Se!eral o her nailswere painted green. She wore ringswith colored stones. She popped thebarbell into !iew. 8ithdrew it.+Probably the only pay :ella will

collect the whole week,- sheremarked, giggling, her headbobbing atop an attenuated neck.


19/22

+Deah,- $isa said, +now maybe 6 can*nally a/ord that rose tattoo 6#!e

always wanted. >r a snay nosering.-

She and $ettie had gotten crosswisea couple years ago, when $ettie hadin=uired about obtaining a patent or+ha!ing trucks and bulldoers andwhatnot beep when they go inre!erse. ( saety eature.-6mpatiently inormed that thistechnology was already in place and

had been or a long while, she threwa hissy *t because $isa reused tohelp her +sue the bastards who stolemy idea.- Joe, though, alwayspolitely listened to her ramblings

about perpetual motion machines,alchemy o e!ery stripe and grade,poultices, miracle cures, in!entionsand contraptions. He#d set up a


20/22

corporation or her and her nuttyschemes, created pointless trusts

and oundations, drated a medicaldirecti!e that she tinkered withalmost monthly, prepared numerouslimited liability companies andde!oted hours to discussing hereuds with neighbors, magainesweepstakes, the county land*ll andthe local board o super!isors,usually without charge, not so muchas a penny, and his patienceinuriated $isa, this nitwit eccentric

wasting Joe#s time, he mollycoddlingher or no rational reason. (t leasthe really would ding her or the e"tra*ty.

+8ait. So how is it she can say anynasty insult to me or ree7- $ettiecomplained. +She#s makin# un ome.-


21/22

+6 think you look great, $ettie,- $isa

o/ered. +Primed or a star turn onthe midway. >r to hoist the Jollyoger abo!e your !ery own ship.-

+8e#re ready,- Joe announced,almost beore his wie *nished.


22/22

E"cerpted rom The Jezebel Remedy by artin 4lark. 4opyrightI ?@

the jezebel remedy - excerpt

Documents