the death of despair

8/14/2019 The Death of Despair

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Scardia

The Death of Despair


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Copyright 2007 by Scardia

No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, ortransmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,recording or otherwise without the written permission of the author.

ISBN 978-1-60643-282-2


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This isn't a book of poetry, its a comingof age. It was not written, it was lived and

bled. These words are of lessons learned,hearts felt, and of thoughts and concepts en-crypted through metaphor. Within you willfind wisdom and folly, love and hate, pleasure

and pain. You will not come to a better understanding of the person whom wrote thesewords, you will merely become lost within hisworld. He no longer exists, yet always will.

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Contents

1. Direville 1

2. They 2

3. Drive In 3

4. Innocent Mind 4

5. Obscured Vision 56. Moments Mask 6

7. Whats the Problem Here? 8

8. Deep Defined 10

9. Conditioned Reality 1110. Fools Proclamation 12

11. Recollection 13

12. Stubborn 14

13. Astro-Illogical 15

14. Crucified 1615. Seven Miles High 18

16. Between the Lines 21

17. Orgasm 22

18. Flesh and Blood 2419. Remorse for What? 26

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20. Another Night 28

21. Skies Above 2922. Neo Catastrophism 30

23. The Sun 31

24. Bucket of No Ones 32

25. Worms 33

26. The Silken Veil 34

27. The Thir d Pillar of Eternity 36

28. Bloodied Canvas 37

29. Shedding Skin 38

30. Dead to Rights 3931. Self Retrieval 40

32. Tambourine 41

33. Necrotic 42

34. Bastard 43

35. The Violence of Freedom 44

36. Dearest Friend 45

37. The Lovers Kiss 46

38. Thine Enemy 48

39. C yanide Cyclone 49

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40. What Remains 50

41. The Crimson Evening 5242. The Wash 53

43. St raight Jacket 54

44. Plight of Light 55

45. The Lonesome Isle 56

46. Circus Maximus 57

47. Roadside Oblivion 58

48. Subscription 59

49. The Science of Sanity 63

50. In the News Today 6451. A Parasympathetic Moment 65

52. Vice Versus 66

53. Slow Death 67

54. Dysorexia 68

55. Nostalgia 69

56. Brasileira 70

57. Radharani 71

58. Ear to Ear 72

59. Premonition 74

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60. The Fall 75

61. Charlie 7662. Skyluke 77

63. Such the Case 78

64. Copernicus 79

65. Room with a View 80

66. Thirteen 81

67. Saint of Killers 82

68. The Artist 84

69. Rise 85

70. Destruction 8671. Pumpkin Seeds 88

72. The Hermit 90

73. Bled Perspectives 91

74. Plastic Windows 92

75. Pathological 94

76. Pawndom 95

77. Preliminary Self-Accusation 96

78. Definition 97

79. Temple Octo Vulgaris 98

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0

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Direville

Standing in a small one room pine lined house, a fire ig-

nites and consumes the wall opposing a sole door. Within

this blaze laughs haughtily a painted clowns face. As the

flames lick and blacken the ceiling, the Mother then Fa-

ther, casually remove their coats, so neatly hung upon the

stained wooden dowels of a coat rack to the right of thejarred exit. A small child jumps frantically for his own

coat, while fearfully peering back at the jeering face

within the inferno, his grasps fall short. Abandoning his

effort, the small child rushes out of the smoky doorway

onto a concrete path and up a slight hill. Running along

the path which is met at its edges with seas of bright green

grass, he slowly catches up with the parents. He then seesthe two greeted by a short brown haired man in a dark

blue suit, white shirt and red tie. Facing the three, stand-

ing on the path in shiny black shoes with the grin of a

salesman. He appears to be welcoming them to the para-

dise behind him. Continuing on to the stout buildings, up

stairs and through glass paned double doors. Heels all

clicking over the wine and white marble checkered floor.From this the child would frequently awake drenched in

sweat and fear, relieved in a cool dark room, moonlight

peering through a bullet rippled window to the sound of

screeching crickets.

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They

The impervious word, how it remains applicable to those

whom ascend us. The reasonable momentum in which we

confine our fleeting dissatisfactions within such bounds,

and placard them about the necks of such fortified ser-

vants. Universally, condescending in nature and tone,

righteous in our placid blinding pose. And in prose, ele-gant and justifiable. Nonsense is the mark, seen only with

open eyes, free from the delusions of selfhood. Truth be

known, we are our own shadow casters. We create and

display, rely quite heavily upon, that which we remain so

fit to detract from, our wistful little evils. All the while,

what would we be without them?

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Innocent Mind

Can you catch the shadow

Along the broken wall

Can you bear the silence

It may be easier to fall

Quiet side of windowsPeering through the glass

Gateways of timeless thought

Will this battle ever be fought

For the dawn its seeing hollow

And the moon may always follow

But not unless the wind has risenWhen all will hear but no one listen

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Obscured Vision

Moving forward at a tremendous rate

Am I the master or victim of fate

Can I know love if I do not know hate

Should I have faith and lie here in wait

Or trust in pleasure and crash through hells gate

Where is the hope here, I feel its too lateIve no choice but to devour the food on my plate

I was created and thus Ill create

My death is the dust, which is blown from my slate

Thy seed is my essence

which slips through times grate

Though soon he too will surely dissipate

I beg to secure me in the loins of his mateWhat is this awareness we seem to propagate?

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What you have heard sounds absurd

Your vision must be obscured

Time delayed

Thoughts unweighed

I believe you are afraid

Your luck has run amuck

watch out before you self-destruct

So, my friends

Here we are

Laugh with me awhile

Say you know

Abandon your beliefs and superstitions

Come close

warm yourself in the glow of possibility

Breathe deep the essence of polarity

For here among the unobtainable

Anything may be obtained

I am not what Im thinking

I only know what I mean when I do

I would like to be there when I die

I do not want to be dead already

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Whats the Problem Here?

Its the spics and the niggers

The white men in power

Its the blood thirsty sinners

and the flesh they devour

Its the politicians running this townThe pollution seeping into the ground

Its hard ons and fuck lucks

The beggars and weather

Its the media, the mafia

Its every endeavor

Its the chaos, and the orderIts in the food that you order

Its whatever your choosing

The lie that your using

Its what your eating

Its every beating

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Its the police

The corporations

The head lice...

Itsyour expectations!

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Deep Defined

Quaint revolving purified infusion

Oxygenated individualization

Forward spiral dons confusion

Altered egocentric creation

Briskly bitter soft or sweet

In marshal order famed the mistressTo costly question the righteous flame

Delectably contained

Yet softly merging

In all order and chaos

Like fallen feathers

Conceptually vast and vacant

One miniscule momentI wed delight!

Convictions all follow lucidly

Risking the doubly blamed

Devour sanctity and observation

Subtly fired by all its currents

Waking found the breaking lure

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Conditioned Reality

These dreams mold the seams of this conditioned reality.

Boxed off and carved out of the deception of time and

want. Multiplied and fragmented, an elusive explosion of

a dark cloud of nothing. Cloaked in a memory lost, some

things became ill conceived, some things inconceivable. To

the size and point of view, certain factors eliminate them-selves in the expansion. The numbers roll on like the fall

of a young girl down a rabbit hole. Dazed off in a trance of

unforgiving spectacles, with ritual the feeding root that

pumps nutrients through the bodies of such organisms.

Now machines spew smoke and snow through a hidden

forest to hide the path to freedom. The small creatures

who once raced lively through the scene lie now still intheir last actions, decrepit corpses. Lost to their senses

and will. Silence numbs and darkens you.

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Fools Proclamation

We sit here baffled on the throne of madness.

By our wonder we are clouded in sadness.

Our every action is by standard untrue,

to the masters who sleep in tainted seas of blue.

We crawled up out of our watery grave

with slow progress.In our learned ignorance we made a home of bliss.

This mass of baffled pretenders

hold true to laws unseen.

I will hold tightly to the silky robes of my savior,

Lord Zero!

With steady hand and tired eye,

I keep a place in this land obscene.All the while,

gestures of madmen quicken the minds decay

And hold the mass captive with visions they portray

So I keep my proclamation

I am but a fool!

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Recollection

I will remember when I wake up from this dream, the

ones I had to tolerate, and one by one obliterate, the black-

eyed bastards whom crawled like insects beneath my

flesh. If my recollection serves me well, Ill double the

blood and drink to my mortality. Ive found no reason to

stop this season in my relation to its somber cycle. Myunconscious now flutters like the R.E.M. of my slumber.

The sun gleams off the sea and blinds the eyes of the

monster. So I rest! My being projects images of the bloody

tortured souls, crucified upon telephone poles, staggered

along a winding hellish road which leads on to the ruins of

ancient cathedrals, gathered together by my constant re-

pugnance. In the center of the dusty graveyard lies athrone where my savior sits, high above the scattered de-

capitations and maimed bodies unclean. My anticipation

numbs me, slowly I become essence and merge with the

foul stench which hovers like distaste above the elusive

scene.

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Astro-Illogical

Could it be a matter of science

Could it be up in the stars

Could all this where and why for

Be the placement of Mars

Could there be a recollection

In each and every moleculeCould the answer lie in numbers

Is it soul the what that fuels

Could there be a holy father

Or a feed for only fools

Do you need an explanation

Will it settle all your rules

Will you fill it up with moneyWill your stature pay the toll

Can you find it in your company

In every pleasure wholly deemed

Just to find another answer

That at best is only seemed

There's no silence in your caravan

No place that dust wont settleThere's a heaven for the cowardiced

And a hell for those with mettle

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Crucified

All come from one divided and multiplied.

Bound to a cause, like Jesus was crucified.

Life is rhythm, a cycle unleashed.

Your heart beats on and the days roll by.

You are bound and gagged and bleeding to death.

Rise up and suffer with pride, for you sin not in vain.

Corrupted and helpless your shoulders bear the weight of

every lost soul, damned to the chaos of pondering empty

promises made by mad men long dead, whose laughter is

heard through the vibrations in tears that roll down the

blameless faces of babies, screaming their way into a life

unreal.

Let the light of dawn unleash a scream in you to shatter

the glass panes of the cathedrals which house the rebel

demons. They devour the sanctuary of solitude, their teeth

sharpen in your flesh.

Become thy Strider, whose bloodline is rich in stealth andcunning. I call to you, brother, to step forth and deliver the

evil ones from the goodness they posses.

Blind are the masses to the meaninglessness of this game

that will cease not. Nor will the vultures fail to fill their in-

testines with the rapture who calls itself humble.

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All your wishes are contained in themselves.

Your holy grails are mere mirrors that reflect deceitful-

ness. I detest you, your mind is so vain and shallow that it

could not handle the limitations of your existence. Unsat-

isfied in knowing a cease will come, you created fiction be-

yond living. You cloaked it in white and called it almighty.

Take a lesson from the lion.

Woe is to you and all who tumble in the aftermath. You

who are compelled, will be compelled. No one wins, we all

fade and return to the knowledge which justifies our igno-

rance. Laugh now and heal the wounds of the slaughter,

your limbs will not regenerate. You are elemental,You are a vibration!

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Seven Miles High

Im sick, and dying. I know nothing of this disease. Not of

its name, nor its symptoms. I am not eased into knowing

its course of action or length of effectiveness. No digni-

fied diagnosis eases my curiosity as to what is killing me.

But please, let me assure you. I am sick, and I am dying.

Im lying on my back on a mile high rooftop where theedge is so tempting. I can see so far out into nothing until

it fades into everything. And I dont need this. This isn't a

curse, or a nightmare, Im not a role in a story. Im no-

where and nothing all at once and its lonely. Power cor-

rupts, what sick deeds would I lead myself into if I con-

trolled more than my own hole and cage. I can gaze and

growl and effect all that is in my sight, but my hands arenot free to move that which matters. Im at a loss, in a

hell, and a prisoner of my own mind. That is my box, my

strength and weakness. I am me as I am I, this and that

and all and naught. Let us disappear. Go faster into black-

ness, deeper into pain, haughtier into laughter, and

branded by the sane. How does one cope? You sicken me

further, all those whom ease yourselves with breakfast ce-real delusions. You who can stand on by and take the noth-

ing, the ascent into a morning alarm. The riot for that

quick fix and faster razor march. Subsiding one to spite

the other These end spectrum mirrors, they devour us

deeply and deeper into the slow cold fade of icy unaware.

Give them the dope! The instant satisfaction of blood and

hamburgers, the plastic bliss inside the happy meal. Flood

their minds with the bubble gum that everything truly is,

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something to chew! There is no distinction between a clas-

sic work of literature and a ten cent romance novel. You

and your art, you can see more beauty in the frantic etch-ing of a child and the sidewalk chalk that bewilders his

feeble mind. Whose feeble mind is it? Who truly laughs?

Its nada, its bunk, its veil upon veil in front of your eyes,

but without the ignorance, you lose any reality at all, and I

cant decide what is better. I am the cure and disease! I am

the pleasure and the pain. Is concern for nothing a waste

of energy? Is masturbation right when the orgasm is so

brief ? Its misery and rotted flesh, and Im stuck with the

rerun. Everyone is a separate entity, yet we are all one ex-

panding contraction/contradiction, one all at once. It is

this division that multiplies. A damned grand distraction,

with no real satisfaction. Lets pretend further. Lets be so

serious about the absurdity. Religion and Politics and cuntgirlfriends you'd sooner kill than fuck, yet fuck sooner to

kill! You dont get it, do you? We ask questions we know

the answer to just to ask. We kill ourselves to live, and

quicken our deaths to enjoy what is brevity in itself. How

does one become satisfied, and what is this satisfaction?

Give me the cold hole to crawl in. My belly aches and I

hate. I will starve to prevent such nonsense. My rule is ofitself. My throne was not handed to me, I only constructed

this seat. The ground it rises up from was there when I

awoke, it was here when I came-to. It will remain when I

perish. When it crumbles, and a new god I become, a more

wicked god. One with the power to infect the end game.

Omega is just another shit heel, a lie and deceiver. A sym-

pathizer of rhythm, a polisher of door handles! Where is

that black powder recipe?

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I will show you art!

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Between the Lines

What idea binds blindly beneath fragmentation? Where

seeks the eye free of interpretation? A vast and imperme-

able wisdom is known to only the clutches of the self. Fal-

tered is the ego beyond the light of perspective. Illumina-

tion is the sultry passion of the vile and reasonless. Vast

and vacant are the stumbles between the wise. Our Eonperpetuates only wrath between feats of greed. Feed ego

the will to compromise beyond carnal atrocity. Blackened

collections of potential progression. For the safely

hoarded cultivation of control. Bonded permanence

within the confines of secrecy. Necessitated meanings of

reason chained. Deemed are the scepters of knowing, su-

premacy. Fragile is the shell of innocence, no revelationdare threaten. The puppetry of justice grasps the intoler-

able within leaden clutches. While feathery fingers linger

beneath keys to the truest vision. Blind we remain, be-

tween unutterable peripheral. You turn the pages, you

read the lines, you carefully consider each fragment. High

above the tunneling limitation and collapsing shards,

screams your holy specter. Worshipping the pages of li-ars... Love lies between the lines!

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You are not real.

This is not real.

It matters not.

Dreams are not only dreams!

Carbon copied schematics.

Employ your demise!

A dream became reality

He put the pistol in his mouth.

Dreams become reality.

And prayed for forgiveness...

The record player skips.

The dog barks.NASDAQ drops one and a quarter!

the comet etches closer.

Breath deep.

Billboard hits top.

Frenzy inflames the riot.

I laugh myself,

to nimble completeness.I,

think.

I,

just...

came!

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Flesh and Blood

Looking down between us, through the sweat and flesh,

seeing the blood smeared up her thighs. It almost made

me sad that she had to leave. It almost made the tears

worth the blood left to let her go. And as they reach up to

haunt you, the way these molded memories we seem to

build upon fade, up from things forgotten.

All in all, with reason and logic projecting forward. Its

always the wise decision; its always the healthy move to

make while keeping our stride, an eye on pride. They sub-

side, they settle down to the bottom like filth in a river.The sand creeps over, the bodies decay, the flies and mag-

gots pick the bones clean and youre able to move on.

Youre always there to break your back with the hill before

you.

Rewired and upgraded, blades sharpened and objectives

redefined! Bringing new distances from the armor to

flesh, from acid to blood. Mercies are the claim stubs to

vulnerability, they tell me. Call to will the one whom greets

you, the voices echo. Ive been trapped down there before,

a maze not to return to.

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The cold and water, the stench and rats. The insects to

greet you. Never! Never we declare, yet somehow youll re-

turn again. Its human, its a part of the infection. You love

it just to allow yourself to hate. You breathe it just to choke

a little longer. They wont find the bodies! They always

stop looking. As long as you keep feeding them new ones,

they dont have the time.

Swine and wine, just like swine and wine. They are not

different from the holes and caves, not so much an inch

deeper then the rotting corpses. You bleed them all to

death the same. Onto suffocation, onto new and informal

breeds of hate and hound. Its all thats left, the Emperorwhispered as he retired on that faithful eve.

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of luxury homes and vehicles, marked up at 100% cost

waiting for you to owe your life to owning! Dont forget to

have children along the way, we always need fresh meat

for the grinder! None of it matters! None of it carries me

up out of knowing that we are gods. Knowing that the col-

lective unconscious is god! Knowing that each of our

lives is a point on a great star, and that we are all inwardly

connected. We know the truth within us, we know all that

ever was and will be. We are a model of god! God divided,

experimenting with possibility, entertaining our self, mas-

turbating if you will. Every myth has truths! Uncanny little

metaphors that give you this feeling of exaltation when

you realize them. They were made by man, but they comefrom god. True god, infinite, snakelike and endless.

Theres a rhythm between creation and destruction. Eve-

rything is everything, and it lives and breathes at war with

itself. Self-centeredness is the basis of our existence.

This dream we dream.

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Another Night

A blackened window

The wall all around tainted shades of white

Chips and holes and blinds not drawn

A brief echo from an unknowable world

The safety of the glass

Why pass by any longer?Why sit in anticipation,

While reflection interacts and bounds

Soft wings flutter in and become trapped

By another sweetly similar comparison

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Skies Above

If I could wear my sorrow like a mask it would reach the

sky above me. It would be terrifyingly beautiful, and you

couldnt look away. It would take you up and halt your

blood in its path, your heart would freeze but you would

not die, youd be sustained.

But I wear my pain like a smile, and I grin ever wide, as I

reach the sky above me. With a laugh and quick wit, Ill

show concern, and I care, and you always look away. As

near as I could hold you, as love as I would show you, it

grows ever hollow. While in the moment your troubles

cheer me, they distract me, from my own.

But theres a million masks of bearing, a trillion burdens

bared. With crying eyes and shimmering smiles, haunting

the skies above us. And it takes me up and halts my blood

in its path, and I cannot look away. For every empty condo-

lence, there lies beneath a river of tears.

And once in a while, I smile for real, I laugh a little anddie inside. And when the moments follow, refreshed by the

bitter wallow, embraced in self. I gain my breath again,

the hearts chip and warm and beat once more. For all the

shattered fragments reflect the same broken mirror, and

its all the same again.

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Neo Catastrophism

There in the prism

Upon primary colors

There is a principal

A mathematical sequence

Formula or convulsion?

Will you die to live... or live to die?Heed the composer

Orchestrator of delusions

The market of willful apprentices

Complications of computations

Mirrors for the clumsy fisted

Your decision was initiated

Easy trigger, however clear the aftermathLong live your blue blood!

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The Sun

Resting so neatly

His head on the cross

Dangling

Dementedly untested

While a love so temperamental

Trickles downwardWith last left breaths

While bled to death

The father and the son

As the whole of the tempest

Expands with dawns unrest

The mother wept beneath

To better keepYour bitter sleep

From dreaming of the whole

As fragments shelter

The truest vision

The blood even

The holy son

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Bucket of No Ones

No more whispers of prisoners

Whom dare not decipher

Careless listless listeners

Far distant pretenders

I seek not to know you

As you beg in your mindlessnessVacate and dematerialize

You apparitions of being

Born dead you barely breath

In all of love divine encountered

You are none deserving

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Worms

While the seams seem unbroken, not a stitch may remain.

With a fist full of Jesus, it's old Luke keeps me sane. For

the eyes of the children are the bellies of blame. On to

necks godly broken, by the justice of fame. When the op-

erative chosen, is the blunt of the bane. For a mindful of

hopeless are so eagerly maimed. Its the box full of hocusthat has centered our wane. And as the progress delivered

is the greed that we claim. Not a regress even slivered, as

our minds feed the chain. Now no cages are needed,

though our binds will remain. Through the token un-

needed, we will sorrow our drain. While the warning un-

heeded is the death of your brain.

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Shadowy whispers while I walk at night

Every crack in the wall screams and demands

Behind a veil held by hidden hands

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The Third Pillar of Eternity

I am as perplexed as clear sighted.

As divided as united.

I think,

and I feel...

These are not the same!

You are as shameless as exalted.As endless as halted.

I destroy,

as I create...

These are quite the same!

Its been as amusing,

as confusing.

I know,while I forget.

These do not separate!

I am as creative as destructive.

As honest as deceptive.

I live,

and I bleed.

These things are quite separate!We are as foolish, as blind.

As forword as behind.

I forgive,

I must be forgiven.

These things are life and death!

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Bloodied Canvas

When the lights come on inside

As I wake my bitter side

In the morning by the sun

Will it be a better one

Its all so tragic in the fire

Wanting all that's not for hireI can see my careless game

Will it always be the same

Is this moment there to see

Will I watch it while I'm me

I have faltered just to fall

I don't see myself at all

I could have you take a rideSo you'd face the deep divide

But every canvas that I bleed

Seems to know the face I need

Just to bargain for the day

That I might stop and find my way

Through this distance in between

At the cost of all Ive seen

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Shedding Skin

The moment gleams in its perpetual oneness with infin-

ity. Love of life and of living, and the exalted acceptance of

reality in hues of truth and gratitude. The twins unite as

reverberations of brief realizations of thy own connect-

edness with the all. Whilst a knowledge of the base and in-

fantile self-deceptions we dream within, an unearthed dis-crediting of the morose and spite driven lunacy, that

hands base and guttural epiphanies out on silver plated

perspectives. Caution sheds self delusion, all the while the

paupers tread the same golden spiral. The wind burnt

seekers still pursue the unattainable through the beckon-

ing of ancient deceptions. Outlearn the master magicians

and be ignited in the peril of knowing. Bliss corrodes likewhite metal flashes, so progresses the blind woman's hand

The scales of justice remain nil and void. Radiate this love

and bleed its permeations within you. Their lies no ties to

paths of escape, seek not freedom, it lies within, and will

not appear to a slave.

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Self Retrieval

This moments bliss engrained in pain

Atoned a kiss no longer chained

Forced to find myself again

That sad smile in ripples kneel

The only while worth knowing feelThe gently mad will always heal

No stone to skip the ripples fade

While on his hip the last parade

In spite of make for one whos made

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Necrotic

The Third mask of the triad reveals itself

As a dread card is turned by a trembling hand

A step is taken into the living black hall

of a peculiar new dimension

There remains only true self

within this enclosure of blackened airThe smell of death and fear

encroaches the moments of submersion

Traces of sulfur painfully sear the memories

with horrid disillusions

Visions shatter his breath and fill his lungs with dust

as he crashes to the floor

Flashes of being buried beneath the piling of rotted fleshby work of unseen hands

Only the distant sounds of a painful sobbing

bring him to consciousness

A frail sallow voice that warms a black and frozen heart

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Bastard

Spitting at the rotting flesh of the weak dead.

Knees ache in the floor of the coffin by forsaken hips.

Stare into his eyes,

bleed the last tears of forgivenesses.

Grace the face of pallid eternal rest.

Tracing fingers over the jaw of breathless past.Reflecting eyes stare back in hollow contrition.

Letting the dust settle,

the worms set in.

I say goodbye to a beast that stole my soul.

And though I loved him dearly,

despite the misery he caused,

between little lessons far and few between.Sunday readings through highlighted text,

that never saved him.

How could they ever save me?

I slam the deteriorating coffin shut.

Smear the dirt over the ancient etchings.

Such a distinct sound,

the dirt covering those painful initials.

Ironically...

WAC

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The Violence of Freedom

First you must fight

Shed materialistic delusion

Preoccupy oneself with advancement

Relearn discipline

Realign your course of action

Here is now and yesterday is goneOnly the present dictates the future

You have been awakened, yes

But you are falling back asleep

There is a figure in your mind

A bomb to be exploded

Walls to be torn down

And plans to be spokenIt is nothing personal

No delusions to elude this possibility

Just a round in the chamber

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Dearest Friend

Once upon a head of mine

I could take you for a ride

Bleed you dry and set you free

In a second left to guess it

If it's in a fault of mineI'll blame it on the inside

Of all the moments left in me

The action leaves disorder

Let it in then let it out

Lose your will to swallow

It's not a second guess to testNo cause to wilt or wallow

On the day I lost my mind

I kissed the face forgiveness

Tried so hard but to deny

I found a friend who let me face it

45


54/107

The Lovers Kiss

Good sleep, woke up late

Swept the best, a test of fate

Ritual concludes, a moments rest

He smiled while thinking, all is best

The dawn of bleeding, sad conclusions

The disenfranchised, self delusionsAll is one, the prime beginning

This realization, is free from sinning

We flee from horrors, cold and shallow

All alone, we tear and wallow

Freedoms beast, is vision learned

With none another, were slowly burned

The fire is hollow, shared with noneSeared and broken, a devils fun

While paired and holy, we seldom see

The blatant cries, of wings that free

From salted wounds, we cringe yet fade

One holy moment, through time we wade

The pain is weakened, drowned in bliss

The art of knowing, a lovers kissThey may be far, from understanding

To doubt known best, is under handing

The hands to hold, to push when needing

The mouths so bold, are also feeding

The bond is weak, needs comprehension

To expect it fully, is apprehension

My doubt is nil, I'm given truly

Youre not alone,

46


55/107

I need you dually

Un-comprehended, each at times

Forever tasting, different wines

There is not one, a bitter sour

Those grapes are sweetest, cries the hour

To walk in hand, and learn this knowing

It is to me, privy to showing

Those bolted faces, with wants and needs

Secret agendas, from which I heed

It's you I trust, I seek to encounter

The truest knowledge, a lifetime to foster

47


56/107

Thine Enemy

Somebody's going to die somewhere

Someone's got to die

Death doesnt have to try nowhere

Death dont need to try

Somebody's going to cry somewhere

Someone's bound to cry

48


57/107

Cyanide Cyclone

Vitamins and minerals

Solids liquid gas

Consequence and criminals

It all will come to pass

Carnivals and seminars

Wormwood and despairWars and doors and genitals

With or without hair

49


58/107

What Remains

Woke up today on this mourning

With a dawn in the light of hope

I wrung free my bloodied hands

And cast the scarecrows off my back

Wrenched down the bile for the last time

Liquid pure and sold to soothI washed myself away

Like a clearing in a valley of thick wood

Dusk in the heart of salvation

No more swine and wine

No more bad times

Just molten lead and hungers fed

Cause and motionConsummations

Freed the burdens in my head

You cannot see the dread Ive left you

You cannot splinter your broken crutch

Lapse not nor enter mine upon you

Foreboding sounds that only taint me

Crash upon an empty earTarry not nor dance nor linger

Dare yea naught contain while bitter

Unmask your ash to spill my blood

While once the frowned hast hid their daggers

Once the traps had all been set

Your thoughtless winter bears upon you

Bleached and burnt by a beckoned sun

Your fuel to be filed and forgotten

50


59/107

Your cold and ugly all as one

And none but only you could save you

With fragile fingers pulling nervous triggers

The hole is the one, The bleeding son

The crucified with poisoned Father

Bred to bask a dream lit noneBled to carry an empty cask

51


60/107


61/107

The Wash

Once is lived though once alive

While once she lived he once survived

The feeding fed the shame that thrives

Like shadows cast reflect comprise

And one betrayed had trust once lies

When once dismayed now cut those tiesAs games of pain inject like spies

The shadows live behind such eyes

While once the lack no question tries

Now every crack will spell demise

Then lived in cloth so staunch reprise

Has wrapped its wearer to despise

Not trust nor faith no love to raiseSuch whore is but of meat and glaze

As once your world of flesh and praise

Binds deconstruction of your maze

As all of this is left to craze

The writing of our final plays

When once you touched as once your days

Became as numbered as the raysThe sun has shone and shown such ways

To warm himself as fires blaze

53


62/107

Straight Jacket

May I ask of your desire

Where does lie your empire

Say you privy to a shadows cloud

There within the sun aloud

Knee deep in futures pastYou do not keep the slowest fast

Mock this present currents fate

Lock not this essence... putrid gate

Are you burning

Stars are churning

Careful to cultivateSpare full to humiliate

Sing a song my dearest boy

Clinging wrong your fearful ploys

Dare the orchestra project a pattern

Spare the fool, protect... and madden

54


63/107


64/107

The Lonesome Isle

A long time ago, on a lonesome unpopulated island in the

South Pacific, there lived a single human being. He had

become weathered by the lessons he had to learn to sur-

vive in the environment he had come to call home. When at

last the people whom once knew him had finally come to

seek him, they were but strange invaders, and aliens to hispresent world. And as he hunted the strangers, and as he

cooked them alive in his beachside fire, they understood -

but only while breathing their last breaths, their flesh

crisped, blackened, peeled back, and devoured. So with a

full belly the man lay on his back peering into the heavens,

and was lulled to sleep by the familiar sound of

crashing waves.

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65/107

Circus Maximus

Neophytes, blinded, line the clay brick sun-drenched

walls, and fearful. Coming judgment tenses eyes and

tempting cleanses through pretenses. Blood enclosed cir-

cumference, soldiers flood the staggered arenas im-

menseness. Screams rage and cry as vengeful eyes tremble

the earth and reaching skies. Plasma pierced rusts themoments lust. Steel moans a jagged convictions fierce-

ness. Wet sand marches past content voyeurs. Amassed

and parched, gaunt breaths breathe last. No sin through

deeds, heedless judge thy threadbare mores, no witch nor

whore.

57


66/107

Roadside Oblivion

There's a hole in my head

Where out bled all the things that I've said

And there is just no proverbial knowing

From which all provincial standpoints are showing

But if it means anything to you

I'll fly my flag at half mast for you tooAnd when you find that your leg of the road

Leads back to the same fork

from which you carried your load

Just know that I too will be

out there resting on my cases

Surviving on the laughter in between the heavy spaces

Cause every now and then a man will realizeHe has to loose his heart to know just where it lies

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68/107

He was expanding

The trail of blood behind him

Blue and yellow poisonThe blue jay on the tree branch

The paint peeling off the wall

The brick revealed from beneath

You'd never notice

You'd never subscribe to such beliefs

Milk and Honey

Its not the devil

there is no devil

Blamable scapegoats

Instincts exist

Nature proves

Self denial

Self repressionCausing psychosis

Preachers and alter boys

Bible belt Atrocities

Violence persists

Society verses tendencies

Buried in psyches

Reality versus fantasyIntelligence versus psychodrama

Dogma loses

Fear loses

Murders happens

Rape happens

To good people

By gods people

Where is the devil?

60


69/107

Where is god?

Hidden behind symbols

Refusal to recognizeBlissful ignorance

Slothful logic

Spoon-fed beliefs

Questioned nothing

Evaluate nothing

Examine nothing

Filed in lines

Tickets to paradise

Chanting hymns

Sinful confessionals

Blood and bread

Holy wars

Death GaloreOver belief

Dogma

Persecution

Dogma

Genocide

Dogma

MoneyDogma

Power

Dogma

Greed

Dogma

Dogma

Dogma

President

61


70/107

Dead!

Government

EvilOutwardly

Christian

Faux

Facade

Shadow

Lies

Accepted

Change

...

Never

62


71/107

The Science of Sanity

Cut to the clean

Carve out the doubt

Left to the wasted

Would you still cry if I stopped laughing?

There is no validity

No room for lingerers

Languid and cheerful

63


72/107

In the News Today

Headlines are head lines. Like the starling face you use to

manipulate your desires. Deep down there's a well of per-

version and complexity. Alienated ideas held hostage by

bitter ideals.

64


73/107

A Parasympathetic Moment

Despite peace or turmoil

Winded creaks lined by sunlit shimmers or hidden stars

The relevant bodies all spinning and vast

Peculiarly reverent chance

Painstakingly calculated mistakes

Spanning centuries and agesHowever darkly apparent

However falsehood the fuselage

These gravitational centers we sail bound to

What is an ocean?

There in my cells and skies

There in our collection of antiquities

The mass and mindful moments we reach fromI envisioned other buckets

Fresh pales of pools and Newton's

Wherein we fell upward

Chased and hunted the problems of bounded nothing

The triumphant steeds bearing the tightest blinders

Like childhood revelations

The freeing of burdens and losses of innocenceFeeling your back in the mud and eyes flinching between

fiercely falling raindrops

65


74/107

Vice Versus

If I could get around this world

On all that's proper and impossible

While just coping the unfurled

With every pompous and implausible

Then I'd be happy as a ratSwimming off an oil wreck

But I'm not

And people keep showing up

Like billboards on this highway

Though I'm half as stranded as insaneThere's just no telling them from angels

At all the right angles

From the demons

66


75/107

Slow Death

Everyone came up from the basement for some air on

break. Tweedy, Paulo, Heron and the bunch. All sweaty

and grease stained in the moonlight and cigarette smoke.

Heron bangs his oversized wrench against the metal rail-

ing, breaking the silence amidst the glowing nicotine orbs.

Paulo kicking the gravel. Fuck, Tweedy screams. Ireally cant take this miserable shit hole for much longer,

he says. What are you going to do, bad ass, join the fuck-

ing circus? Heron rasps, as he drops and stomps out the

remains of his smoke. Paulo swings open the heavy rust

ridden door, taking a last drag and flicking the orange

glow into the night. Youre trapped like the rest of us and

were all fucked, Tweedz. Lets get back to our gallows be-fore devil dick notices were gone and has our asses, he

says and steps heavily down the steel grate steps with the

thick heel of his boot echoing rhythmically out of the door

to the stairwell as it slams behind him. Tweedy stares at

the stale yellow light coming through the small square

wire grids of the smash proof window. He kicks the door

open from the bottom, and steps grudgingly down thewell.

67


76/107

Dysorexia

Cautiously quick, within most sullen fires

Compelled in and by dreams, lurid desires

Withered and torn, between leaden attired

Drawn out and bled on, scarred and conspired

This warfare of purse strings

complacent misdirections

Though moments of combat

displaced these infections

Have brought here a sadness, unshakably confected

And slipping in crevices, disdained and misdirected

Completions through seasons

Dawned as defiled

Whisperd and lingerd

So nauseously compiled

Noxious and wrenchingDesensitization

Illumined or delusion

Solace or brazen

68


77/107

Nostalgia

Poised intentions within Ominous Co-regulatory junket-

ing benefactors. Pressman all wavering hallucination

within grips of black and ash runoff. Smearing poison-

ously upon its flinching finger flags. Pious puppeteer

stumbles from catchy jingle hailed associations. Wanton

memorabilia boxed and shelved onto plaid new neurosis.Skirt in wind like those disposable second chances all

flushed forgotten. Reasoning with seasoning two hundred

and fifty slow cooked bastardizations. Complete the

means to speculate such frolic onto adrenaline saturated

crystallizations. Embalming fluid might sweeten ambigu-

ously sought after sugar wafers sad submersion. Co-

pacetic cheeses pungency deliberating a cream cushy coat-ing of yeast lipped puckering. Smells all floating a breeze

to seethe the rotting tides of winds and broken limbs

reaching. While outreached the hand now trembles to the

signs of friendly crouton crepitates. The potent underes-

timated understanding of the cucumber to become the

pickle.

69


78/107

Brasileira

She had sarcophagus earrings

And a red letter pendant

She drove fast in the rain

But held faster to remnants

I had to overcome a few impossibilities

Many worthwhile precautionsTo endanger possibilities

She came as enlightenment

Raw and as light in life as living

She was so young for me

And I so sad and tragic

Black as chard and overly dramatic

But she was fresh and fervorAnd so eagerly pleasing

While as bitter as broken

And hopeless to hoping

She breathed down my thoughts

And ended the choking

Little saw we the folly

Through and well untilEventual folly becoming so little

Learned and we mastered

War and poisons all plastered

Alongside no immunities created

A perplexing remain of unseparated

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79/107

Radharani

Blue bird black bird

Slack and purple hearts

Wind blown tree tops

Nest all torn to parts

High perched, song searchedNestled in a row

Beaks blown squeak known

Ruffled to and fro

Wretches reckless

Fly away in song

Go sell in a bordelloThe haughtiness that you long

71


80/107

Ear to Ear

Mesmerized by the sound of the hot air

Meeting the cold in the dusk ridden sky

Trees peer in through the window

The shade is drawn half open

When I walk home from the trainWhen Im riding in its cars

Peering at skylines I realize

Tainted it may be

I wallow in a mist of positivism

The bitter kiss of realism keeps my feet in the filth

Piss and shit stained peripheralsDragging my feet through it

Wringing out my socks in the evenings

Im just a seed in a garden

A baby in a play pen

Roasted peppers and pacifiers

No ray of sunshine to squint toMaybe a chameleon

I might not like your ways

I certainly dont need your euphemisms

Yet I can tell you how to sell them

In a pretty bottle

With just the right label

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81/107

Ill assure you, youll find the target market

As I return to my footsteps

With anticipation of Autumns children

Carve me a Jack O Lantern

Bleed me a sonnet

I look again and the suns gone

The breeze rushes through

And the cool air meets a stiff grin

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82/107

Premonition

Walking down thirty six

What is this my vision fixed

He passed on my left

Love in my hand on the right

My periphery digesting the side of his face

Heart sped and visions racedThe young girl he violated and misplaced

My left arm chilled with hair on end

He left her no right to defend

Perhaps Im as mad as tall

But looking back his walk said it all

What could I have done or said?

A blade to mend her empty bedOr was it all just in my head?

74


83/107

The Fall

I can feel my beloved Autumn in the air

The chilly mornings and gloom

The dying spectacles

Pumpkins carved

Sweet indeed

The smellsDeath

Life

Zero

Solve

Waning

Revolution

Like train doorsSomeone must get off

To make room for fresh riders

Tides of lives that balance our existence

75


84/107

Charlie

Yellow on brown, the fool was no clown

A pension for pain and a fist full of knowing

Seen it all through a crack in the wall

The musk and muck in withered dusk

Limelight all tangled in despair

The hair that tipped the scaleTarried blame bled in pointed fingers

Hes there but will not linger

76


85/107

Skyluke

Have you fulfilled your destiny?

There is no differentiation

As is life

Death is as much illusion

If you have not made the realization

You are dead alreadyWhen in truth

Perhaps only in death

And breathe again for the first time

Until you tire

One stale breath upon another

Breathe!

Only when you lose something completelywill you appreciate it fully

Deviate the I from your own dimensions

Complacency may elevate your apprehensions

All the while not wanting

Can you sigh and smile

From the dreams that create them

Can you elevate your visions

77


86/107

Such the Case

Confusion, being

My Epitaph

A rattle in my cage

Has never lead me anywhere

Save a war to wage

These trysts and ListsConfined me in

A latch hook game of tag

Was I before or quite behind?

Always I seem to lag

I shant assume

Save, I'm a loon

A birdie in a binFor curtains ones camaraderie

That I shall never win

But if I knew not brevity

Than I would never sin

The lofty listless hegemony

The teetering of I

Has festered my allegoryAnd left me such a sty

78


87/107

Copernicus

Alleviating judgment and evaluating dignity

Where is the folly of flight, day or night?

But what is this you deem in day

You dream at night you say

And none at all

Are as oneBoth forward and behind

Within Rhythm and its principle

The beginning, the end, one in a breath

In a sea of translation, we drift meaningless

79


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89/107

Thirteen

Look, oh look!

Its a cat on a bedspread

Writhing his toes and twitching his nose

Is that a grit of kitty litter?

Patter and purr, lifes such a blur

Is it cold outside? I hear the wind howlingA lack of warmth to leave the heart yowling

Come inside, look a bit deeper

Theres always a glass, but the wines have been cheaper

I see you there in creepers

Standing outside my house, in that blouse

Turning my pages, like the gentry of ages

Im just a mouse in a houseSqueaky and carouse

What a louse, but Ill be here

In proper misery and fits of cheer

Whether near, or however far

Reading grimoires and peering at stars

What a lovely world it has been

Full of ravishes and a healthy grinOh the joys I find, in this head Im in

81


90/107

Saint of Killers

Blood red rose beds

Drippings of withered crimson

Drying within weathered cracks

Etched and Eternal

A veil for every mind spell

Nails and monuments in rowsClouded gray skies rolling

Howls of wind breaking the nullifying rains

A trail of boot prints in the puddled mud

Somewhere a bride cries

A mans head folds in trembling hands

Children splash and laugh unbeknownst

Train smoke stretches across a dreary horizonDeals are made, men are broken

Drunkards stagger through the dirt

Shots fired within ears range

Blood is shed

Documents are postmarked and sent

Carried in hemp sacks on galloping backs

Weary eyes fallScreams echo through tiled halls

Suicides and secret meetings

Plots reaped as sown

Confessions in hallowed boxes

Ivory trinkets franticly buried under a willows branch

The thread of time wavers on

Dust settles

82


91/107

Young bones grow old and creak

Lovers swept off in forbidden trysts

A stalker lurks in a blind alley

Sharpened blades dulled in flesh

Missing person parchments tacked

Moonlit gazes into bare branched silhouettes

Black before a starless night sky

Shivered and distraught

Wick lit floor boards

Bones beneath

Uncovered beyond the century of search parties

Youthful unuttered discoveries

Morbid beginningsVile upbringings

A new killer is born

A Saint is made

83


92/107


93/107

Rise

The rain and wind and coldest breath

Lest I not defeat death

No sun and scorn

Lovers born

Deviled and torn

Within a sullen lured pyre

Despotism cures desire

Disenchanted in each fragment

Letting go of sentiment

Embracing rudiment

Frozen boned to subtle curesA pirate within lofty mores

Carcasses starkness staunchly drained

A martyr drowned, defamed

Abatement as it rained

85


94/107

Destruction

You asked and shall receive

A penance for your ways

I have no guilt, no shame

I will not hold remorse nor regret

Your destruction wilunfold

Cursed as the bile you areFilth

Grace I have shown you

Undeservedly

Blindly

Now I can see

And I will watch

As you unravelAnd disintegrate

Into dust

I am not broken

I have grown wings

And I shall fly

Beyond the shame you have chained me to

Above the plummeting you doomedCrass and despicable

You can worship lies to mask your shame

Gone Ill be

The same

Cleansed and deranged

Estranged

I have gained the self

I betrayed for you

86


95/107

I am risen

Enlightened

You are hollow bones

Deceased

87


96/107

Pumpkin Seeds

Slit wrist pricks and the Crucinflicted

Your heads are dipped

Boxes and cages all the rage

Life on a leash

What a peach

Razor cuts soaked in lemon juice

Broken bones and needled nerves

Bleach in eyes through a dropper

Youre given to be battered proper

Calloused livered severed retinas

Defaced, literallyPiteously

Fit to be careened

At the end of a rope

By a primer black 56 Chevy

On fire

If I had a castle

Thered be a dungeon

A wall full of death beds

Strung up and still bleeding

Barely breathing

88


97/107

Id keep you livingPin holed and Bile soaked

Twitching

Im so grateful

See past the hateful

My little pumpkins

I adore thee

Id gorge thee

Twist off patellas

Pull string intestines

My little puppet monsters

Let me love you

A nail bed to shove you

Fumed rags for meat bags

No one above you

89


98/107

The Hermit

Who left the fool chained in a small bathroom in the cel-

lar? There was no one to be found in the house. Everything

left as if the place was simply vacated all at once. Dishes

in the sink, food in the fridge, clocks stopped on the walls.

All covered in dust and time. A frail old man frozen to

chains on a wall, in a decrepit old cellar. The scent was ofbrine. Particles dancing in beams of light streaming

through the tattered windows. A cold lone house buried in

trees on a mountainside.

90


99/107

Bled Perspectives

Behind the cannon fodder

The wick lit burnt and churning

Faster into alabaster

Caught on down range

Isnt it strange

What lies in the details

Flies with wings frail

Sentiment deranged

Hard wired attire

This waking audition

Not every moments a testThere is no intermission overload

Shadows and flame may bleed

Heeding the wrong image

Within porcelain percentages

Con games and quick lips

Death deals and spent chipsArmed to the teeth within sullen allure

How fragile the spiders web

Were all so cautiously content

91


100/107

Plastic Windows

Willed as in movement

Subliminally disenchanted

Prone within convalescence

Quieted like sullen children

Bourn of the dismembered

Concealed in a fold of woolPassing blame like crack pipes

Resilient resolve

To humble then confine

The motion of extremity

This robe of common don

Entailing such undertones

Of captious preliminary virtuesReeking down amongst the mundane

Purposeless and bled bathing

In this crimson basin shining

Screaming into the smiling void

Bashed hypothesis

Give them then no motion

No inch to scratch the itch

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102/107

Pathological

Its the weather

And the seasons

So much for our own reasons

Complications

And the heathens

We create our own diseases

94


103/107

Pawndom

The greater good is an ugly burden to bare

Outrage on foreign siege

Please

Hug a bear and wish him well

You really cant tell

Me otherwise

A law to paw and trickle tease

Prisms, mirrors, gasoline

Lined up like wired down

Reality just doesnt freeze

Stay on your knees

Impressions freckle, taunt till dire

Dangle spangled funeral pyre

The food, the money, game of chase

The kitten and a lace

You willed it, watch it, let it be

Had to want it, set it free

Dont come complain to me

95


104/107

Preliminary Self-Accusation

There are many testaments to self tyranny. Whether

found at large or in Singularity, my goal here is to remove

myself from such idiosyncrasies wholeheartedly. Some

have found my methodology in this attempt abrasive,

crass, and even despicable, on more than one occasion.

This will undoubtedly continue, and increase. I am nothere to assure you of your relevance to my own emancipa-

tion. Nor do I hold remorse for those whose interests con-

flict with my own well being. You are all ultimately dispos-

able. The fire within my heart blazes green, and shall not

consume a molecule of impurity or distortion. Though my

flesh is warm, my blood runs cold. I have tasted desola-

tion. I have traversed into the pits of our collected psyche,from which too many hide. I do not remain unchanged.

Though I revel in my weaknesses, I am assured you are

weaker still. Your eyes bleed delusions I have mastered.

Ever Foreword is the mantra, and much of our mass has

been selected for removal. I will not die for you, only for

what sentiment remains for my beliefs. But even these, I

do not trust. I seek not absolution beyond my realm of

creation, my intrinsic resolve. I will not be harbored,

though I will remain unkempt. I fear only resolution, and I

will nurture my own misery as the blood of my essence.

My words are poison, seething beyond even my will. I have

long accepted your misinterpretation. I do not bleed for

you, praise does not comfort me, but writhe me in myflesh. I will not cry for your demise, think nothing of mine.

96


105/107

Definition

How do you define a thing

That can feel so secure yet remain so vulnerable?

That which exists separately on different planes.

That takes one form when observed from one angle,

And another from the next.

This rock against which we batter ourselves so fervently.

How do you trust reality?

A willingness to embrace illusion,

So constant.

From love to atom,

Molecule to organism,Biology to astronomy.

This isnt a plea for disaster.

No,

War on piteous self loathsome suicide.

Who is self righteous?

Who is the martyr?

Sweet combatant!

97


106/107

Temple Octo Vulgaris

Thy grand throne within the center of an Empire

Plunging its depth and exploring its glory

Thrice my wavering circles sketching

Stretching through strands encompassing its center

Peering from my western perch

Collecting, absorbing, encroachingFour faces looming distinctly

Gripping this plot of evils grande

Clutching a globe in its grasp

Great siphoning plexus

Deep inhalations of absorption

Exhale and expand

Growing enormouslylooming

98


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