surviving the grief journey - dmpcc · no simple solution or escape from the pain of the grief...
TRANSCRIPT
Healthy Information from the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center JAN / FEB / MARCH 2012
Non-Profit Org.U.S. Postage
PAIDPermit No. 644Des Moines, IA
is a publication of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, an independent, not-for-profit organization. Celebrating 40 years of ser-vice to adults, families, adolescents, and children for the purpose of enhancing emotional, spiritual, and relationship health. The Center has satellite offices in Ankeny, Lamoni, Leon, Mt. Ayr and Osceola. Editor : Kathleen Murrin
2929 Westown Parkway, Suite 110 • West Des Moines, Iowa 50266
www.dmpcc.orgVisit the Center’s website for more information on the Center’s
counseling services and staff, special events and classes.
A client who was dealing with the devastating loss of his spouse once asked me how I had survived the death of my first wife after a marriage of thirty-three years. I reflected and found myself responding gently, “I don’t know.” That seemed the most genuine response I could share in that moment. At first, he voiced anxiety and disappointment in my answer but, in the course of our talk that day, he shared that my answer seemed “honest” and, therefore, of some comfort to him.
As we were concluding our work some months later, the client returned to that moment and expressed appreciation. Somehow in the act of sharing my “not knowing,” the understanding between us deepened, even as we acknowledged the reality that there was no simple solution or escape from the pain of the grief journey.
Of course, I did know many things that had helped me on my journey of grief--my family, supportive friends and colleagues, spiritual resources – but at the heart of the experience for me lies a mystery.
I realize now that I survived the loss, but I wasn’t “in charge.” Grief is not an experience we control or manipulate, but rather it is a living, evolving process within us, which can surprise and frighten us at times. I’ve come to believe grieving is a long-term natural healing process that we can come
to honor and trust. It is a process that will not be long ignored without consequences. It is a process we can nurture, a process with unavoidable pain at times, but a process that can lead to a deepening of our experience of life and relationships. Fortunately much has been written about the grief experience, providing us with maps that help us stay oriented as we explore this challenging landscape. First, it helps to be aware that we experience many losses beyond the loss of a beloved person and that these losses bring with them significant grief. Most of us have experienced loss of a beloved pet, a friendship, a job, our health, or loss of a parenting role when our teenager leaves for college. It is helpful to be attuned to the significance of these losses and their impact upon us.
Second, in the process of grieving, we can expect intense emotions. Sometimes the emotions themselves are surprising and may seem unacceptable; for example, a person may experience relief after the death of a loved one and feel confused or guilty
about this. It is helpful to accept all feelings without judgment as a normal part of the grieving process. Grief can be sneaky – emotions can spring on us suddenly just when we think we are feeling better. A helpful coping strategy is to stay with the emotion – the sadness, the yearning – and to practice relaxed, focused breathing, knowing that the emotion, like an ocean wave, will pass, leaving us free to reengage with life. In fact, one pattern of a healthy grieving process is a movement back and forth between involvement in everyday life and experiencing the acute feelings of pining, sadness and possibly anger, guilt and loss.
Third, do not expect discrete stages of grief with clear progression from one stage to another; rather expect surprise and a degree of confusion. It is helpful to give ourselves permission to grieve at our own pace, in our own way. Support of family, friends and spiritual companions is very helpful, but each of us
must trust our sense of what we need at a given time. A special challenge is posed if our loss is not “sanctioned” by parts of society, as may occur with loss in lesbian and gay relationships. All the more important then becomes the compassion of those who understand and support us in our loss.
Of course, it is valuable to read about grief and to benefit from the experience of others who have dealt with serious loss. It is fair to expect healing to extend over a substantial period of time: some writers suggest the first year is the most difficult with the second and third years also being very challenging. Holidays and anniversaries are likely to be particularly difficult. Often it is helpful to plan these occasions carefully, for example, deciding how to memorialize our loss and what coping skills will be most helpful.
Fourth, we need to have realistic expectations of ourselves on this journey. Grief is hard work and many people notice they have less energy and a greater need for rest than they did prior to their loss. Excess activity or withdrawal can be tempting, but unrealistic to sustain over time. So compassion for ourselves and recognition of the magnitude of the loss we’ve experienced is critical.
Fifth, our spiritual resources can be critical to our coping in times of loss, but sometimes the very loss we’ve experienced can erect spiritual barriers to connecting with God or with our faith
Surviving the Grief Journey
Surviving the Grief JourneySurviving the Grief Journey ....................................................................................Page 1C.O.O.L. Corner ......................................................................................................Page 2Center’s Annual Meeting Announcement ...........................................................Page 2Women Helping Women Annual Luncheon .......................................................Page 2Bringing Spirituality into the (Therapy) Room ..................................................Page 3Prairie Fire .................................................................................................................Page 3What Are We So Busy About ................................................................................Page 3Forgiveness Group Counseling .............................................................................Page 3Military Workshops, Presentations and Consultation ......................................Page 4Make A Gift For Hope And Healing .....................................................................Page 4
8553 Urbandale Avenue • Urbandale, Iowa 50322
Military Workshops, Presentations, and Consultation Available
For Churches – Employers – FRGs – Community GroupsSuggested topics include but are not limited to:
• Understanding the Returning Veteran• Coping with Deployment of a Loved One• Reintegration and Military Families
Individual and Couples and Reintegration Counseling is also available for military families. For more information please contact Michele Lukacik, MA, LMHC, NCC, Veteran, at the Center (515-274-4006 or by email at [email protected]).
Make a gift for hope and healing
There are individuals and families in our community struggling with life’s issues on very limited resources – experiencing pain, confusion and despair beyond what they can handle alone. For 40 years the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center has helped people through difficult times in their lives by offering high-quality, affordable mental health counseling to all. Your gift today can help:
• Calm the panic and fear in a distressed child, • Bring a sense of clarity to a confused teenager, and • Offer renewed hope to someone whose prior experience has taught them to give up on finding help or healing.
Your support can make a very real difference in someone’s life. Contact Kathleen Murrin (274-4006 or [email protected]) or send your tax-deductible contribution to the Center.
Employment Opportunities at the Center
If you are a doctoral or master’s level therapist licensed with the state of Iowa, and if you are interested in a collegial working environment with extensive opportunities for professional development, we’d like to talk with you. Please contact Ellery Duke, Ph.D., Executive Director, [email protected].
32
tradition. Talking with understanding leaders and members of our faith tradition can help us access our spiritual resources.
I have said grieving is a process we can come to trust. As painful as the feelings are, as difficult as the life adjustments are, usually, with the help of our supportive community, we are able to work our way through to what I would call our new life structure. Research indicates that the majority of people make a satisfactory adjustment to loss without needing mental health intervention. (Konigsberg, 2011) However, at any point on this journey, if we question how we are doing, we can feel free to consult with a mental health professional. This is particularly important if symptoms are chronic and acutely interfering with our ability to meet the demands of daily life.
Finally, with significant losses, I suspect our grieving is life-long. As much as we create new attachments and a new joyful life structure, the loss is a part of who we are; it does not define us, but we honor the loss in the way we choose to live fully in the present.
Richard H. Douglass, M.S.W.Richard Douglass is a licensed independent social worker. He holds a master of social work degree from the University of Iowa. He provides counseling at the Center to couples and to individuals, both adults and adolescents. He has
a special interest in clients with ADHD, depression, anxiety, or behavioral problems.
References and Recommended ReadingFitzgerald, Helen. The Grieving Child: A Parent’s Guide. NY: Fireside, 1992Konigsberg, Ruth Davis. The Truth About Grief: The Myth about Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss. NY: Simon & Schuster, 2011.Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth and Kessler, David. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. NY: Scribner, 2005.Rando, Therese. How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. MA: Bantam, 1991.Whipple, Vicky. Lesbian Widows: Invisible Grief. Binghamton, NY: Harrington Park Press, 2006.Worden, J. William. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, Fourth Edition. NY: Springer, 2009.
C.O.O.L. CORNERChildren Overcoming the Obstacles of Life
GRIEVINGHelping Children in Times of Grief and Loss
• We can accompany children, giving them safety and security, as they cope with loss.
• Children can handle truth, more than they can handle being deceived. Keeping them “in the dark” is a kind of humiliation.
• Given the chance to talk, feel, play and participate, children can almost always deal with loss without it overwhelming them.
• Children can only grieve at their developmental level. Thus, it is likely that they will grieve an experience again at later developmental stages. At each stage, assimilation of the experience at a newer level of awareness is important.
• Communicate simply ~ use the child’s vocabulary.
• Communicate directly ~ be in the child’s line of sight and at eye level.
• Communicate directly ~ tell the child what you feel and reflect the feeling you see in the child.
• Take utmost care of the basics ~ healthy eating, sleeping, and exercise for the child.
Center’s Annual Meeting Announcement
The Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center’s Annual Meeting will take place on Tuesday, February 7, 2012. The event will include a Celebratory Anniversary Toast in tribute to the Center’s Fortieth Anniversary. The event will be held at Walnut Ridge at Clive, 1701 Campus Drive in Clive, 6:30 p.m. reception, 7:00 p.m. dinner and Toast. Cost is $30/person. If you are interested in attending the Center’s annual meeting, please call the Center by February 3rd.
MARK YOUR CALENDAR!
Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center
Women Helping WomenAnnual LuncheonFriday, April 20, 2012
Speaker: Bonnie J. CampbellTopic: The Journey from Victimization to Empowerment Date: Friday, April 20, 2012Time: 11:30 a.m. – 1:00 p.m.Location: Embassy Suites on the River 101 E. Locust Street, Des MoinesTickets: $50 (includes lunch); $500/table of 10
Since 1999, the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center has sponsored an annual luncheon to raise awareness of our work with women struggling with the challenges of life and to generate funds to help subsidize counseling for low- and moderate-income women and girls with limited resources. Please join us for this uplifting event in celebration of women. Invitations will be mailed mid-March. Mark your calendar! If you are new to this annual event, contact the Center to request an invitation.
This year’s speaker, Bonnie J. Campbell, served with distinction for four years as Iowa Attorney General and then
joined the Clinton Administration as one of its key officials on crime and gender-equity issues. Selected by Clinton in 1995 to head the Justice Department’s newly created Violence Against Women Office, Campbell emerged as a national leader for her work to bring victim-rights reform to the country’s criminal justice system. Campbell’s effectiveness led Time magazine in 1997 to name her one of the 25 most influential people in America. Praising her for bringing “rock-solid credibility” to her job, Time called Campbell the “force behind a grass-roots shift in the way Americans view the victims – and perhaps more importantly, the perpetrators – of crimes against women.”
This year’s event will honor the memory and legacy of Elizabeth Kruidenier – a true advocate and leader in helping underserved women. Liz left her fingerprints throughout the community including on the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center. Her leadership gift to the Center helped to build the new facility, thus expanding services for all in need. Contact the Center to honor Liz’s lead by joining the inaugural group of Women Helping Women Leaders ([email protected]).
Bringing Spirituality into the (Therapy) Room ~ A 10-Week Course
Dates: February 17 – May 4, 2012 (no class 3/23, 4/27) Time: Fridays, 8:15 – 9:45 a.m. for ten weeks Location: Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center 8553 Urbandale Ave., UrbandaleCost: $200 plus optional texts CEUs: 15.00 hours This course provides 15.00 hours towards the continuing education requirement of the Iowa Board of Social Work Examiners and the Iowa Board of Behavioral Science Examiners.Instructor: Kathy Reardon, R.N., M.S.To Register: Contact the Center ~ 274-4006 or [email protected]
This 10-week class will help therapists become more grounded in their own personal spiritualities in order to address respectfully and sensitively the spiritual natures, questions, and themes of clients. Class time will combine didactic and experiential components. The class is designed for counselors and therapists and open to others in the helping professions, including clergy and those working within religious institutions, hospice staff, spiritual directors, parish nurses, and other health care professionals.
The Instructor: Kathy Reardon, RN, MS, is a trained
spiritual director with professional backgrounds in nursing and counseling.
She has been with the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center for ten years and assists in providing leadership for the PrairieFire spiritual renewal and formation program.
Clearing the Ground Digging Deep Within Opening to New Life
PrairieFire: A Two Year Program of Spiritual Renewal and Formation will be offered again this fall by the Center’s Institute for the Practice of Ministry. Men and women desiring to develop and live from strong spiritual centers; to grow in ways that positively impact
their worldviews, life directions, relationships and service in their communities; and to receive education, guidance, and support in creating life sustaining spiritual practices are encouraged to consider PrairieFire. An optional third year opportunity is available for those who complete the Prairiefire experience and choose to pursue a certificate in spiritual direction.
Applications are being accepted now through July 1st for the September 2012 class. Class size is limited to 25. Application materials are available on-line at www.dmpcc.org or by contacting Kathy Reardon, RN, MS, at (515) 274-4006 or [email protected].
“What Are We So Busy About?”Taming the Tyranny of Time with aSpirituality of Time
Do you feel that time is running you, “running out,” passing you by, and robbing you of the opportunity to live your life in a more intentional, satisfying, and peaceful manner? This spiritual enrichment day offered by the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center will explore our perspectives, attitudes, and experiences of time. It will also offer approaches to transcend the myth of the scarcity of time.
Presenters: Kathy Reardon, R.N., M.S., and Mary Jo Franklin Friday, March 23, 2012 8:30 a.m. registration; 9:00 a.m. - 3:30 p.m. program$55 (includes lunch)Held at Plymouth Congregational Church 4126 Ingersoll Ave., Des Moines For information or registration, contact Kathy Reardon at Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center (274-4006 / [email protected]).
Forgiveness Group Counseling
Do you or someone you know struggle with anger, hurt, or holding a grudge? The Center is again partnering with Iowa State University to conduct group therapy sessions at the Center as part of a forgiveness study at ISU. For more information, please visit the study’s website: www.isugroupstudy.com.
32
tradition. Talking with understanding leaders and members of our faith tradition can help us access our spiritual resources.
I have said grieving is a process we can come to trust. As painful as the feelings are, as difficult as the life adjustments are, usually, with the help of our supportive community, we are able to work our way through to what I would call our new life structure. Research indicates that the majority of people make a satisfactory adjustment to loss without needing mental health intervention. (Konigsberg, 2011) However, at any point on this journey, if we question how we are doing, we can feel free to consult with a mental health professional. This is particularly important if symptoms are chronic and acutely interfering with our ability to meet the demands of daily life.
Finally, with significant losses, I suspect our grieving is life-long. As much as we create new attachments and a new joyful life structure, the loss is a part of who we are; it does not define us, but we honor the loss in the way we choose to live fully in the present.
Richard H. Douglass, M.S.W.Richard Douglass is a licensed independent social worker. He holds a master of social work degree from the University of Iowa. He provides counseling at the Center to couples and to individuals, both adults and adolescents. He has
a special interest in clients with ADHD, depression, anxiety, or behavioral problems.
References and Recommended ReadingFitzgerald, Helen. The Grieving Child: A Parent’s Guide. NY: Fireside, 1992Konigsberg, Ruth Davis. The Truth About Grief: The Myth about Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss. NY: Simon & Schuster, 2011.Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth and Kessler, David. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. NY: Scribner, 2005.Rando, Therese. How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. MA: Bantam, 1991.Whipple, Vicky. Lesbian Widows: Invisible Grief. Binghamton, NY: Harrington Park Press, 2006.Worden, J. William. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, Fourth Edition. NY: Springer, 2009.
C.O.O.L. CORNERChildren Overcoming the Obstacles of Life
GRIEVINGHelping Children in Times of Grief and Loss
• We can accompany children, giving them safety and security, as they cope with loss.
• Children can handle truth, more than they can handle being deceived. Keeping them “in the dark” is a kind of humiliation.
• Given the chance to talk, feel, play and participate, children can almost always deal with loss without it overwhelming them.
• Children can only grieve at their developmental level. Thus, it is likely that they will grieve an experience again at later developmental stages. At each stage, assimilation of the experience at a newer level of awareness is important.
• Communicate simply ~ use the child’s vocabulary.
• Communicate directly ~ be in the child’s line of sight and at eye level.
• Communicate directly ~ tell the child what you feel and reflect the feeling you see in the child.
• Take utmost care of the basics ~ healthy eating, sleeping, and exercise for the child.
Center’s Annual Meeting Announcement
The Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center’s Annual Meeting will take place on Tuesday, February 7, 2012. The event will include a Celebratory Anniversary Toast in tribute to the Center’s Fortieth Anniversary. The event will be held at Walnut Ridge at Clive, 1701 Campus Drive in Clive, 6:30 p.m. reception, 7:00 p.m. dinner and Toast. Cost is $30/person. If you are interested in attending the Center’s annual meeting, please call the Center by February 3rd.
MARK YOUR CALENDAR!
Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center
Women Helping WomenAnnual LuncheonFriday, April 20, 2012
Speaker: Bonnie J. CampbellTopic: The Journey from Victimization to Empowerment Date: Friday, April 20, 2012Time: 11:30 a.m. – 1:00 p.m.Location: Embassy Suites on the River 101 E. Locust Street, Des MoinesTickets: $50 (includes lunch); $500/table of 10
Since 1999, the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center has sponsored an annual luncheon to raise awareness of our work with women struggling with the challenges of life and to generate funds to help subsidize counseling for low- and moderate-income women and girls with limited resources. Please join us for this uplifting event in celebration of women. Invitations will be mailed mid-March. Mark your calendar! If you are new to this annual event, contact the Center to request an invitation.
This year’s speaker, Bonnie J. Campbell, served with distinction for four years as Iowa Attorney General and then
joined the Clinton Administration as one of its key officials on crime and gender-equity issues. Selected by Clinton in 1995 to head the Justice Department’s newly created Violence Against Women Office, Campbell emerged as a national leader for her work to bring victim-rights reform to the country’s criminal justice system. Campbell’s effectiveness led Time magazine in 1997 to name her one of the 25 most influential people in America. Praising her for bringing “rock-solid credibility” to her job, Time called Campbell the “force behind a grass-roots shift in the way Americans view the victims – and perhaps more importantly, the perpetrators – of crimes against women.”
This year’s event will honor the memory and legacy of Elizabeth Kruidenier – a true advocate and leader in helping underserved women. Liz left her fingerprints throughout the community including on the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center. Her leadership gift to the Center helped to build the new facility, thus expanding services for all in need. Contact the Center to honor Liz’s lead by joining the inaugural group of Women Helping Women Leaders ([email protected]).
Bringing Spirituality into the (Therapy) Room ~ A 10-Week Course
Dates: February 17 – May 4, 2012 (no class 3/23, 4/27) Time: Fridays, 8:15 – 9:45 a.m. for ten weeks Location: Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center 8553 Urbandale Ave., UrbandaleCost: $200 plus optional texts CEUs: 15.00 hours This course provides 15.00 hours towards the continuing education requirement of the Iowa Board of Social Work Examiners and the Iowa Board of Behavioral Science Examiners.Instructor: Kathy Reardon, R.N., M.S.To Register: Contact the Center ~ 274-4006 or [email protected]
This 10-week class will help therapists become more grounded in their own personal spiritualities in order to address respectfully and sensitively the spiritual natures, questions, and themes of clients. Class time will combine didactic and experiential components. The class is designed for counselors and therapists and open to others in the helping professions, including clergy and those working within religious institutions, hospice staff, spiritual directors, parish nurses, and other health care professionals.
The Instructor: Kathy Reardon, RN, MS, is a trained
spiritual director with professional backgrounds in nursing and counseling.
She has been with the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center for ten years and assists in providing leadership for the PrairieFire spiritual renewal and formation program.
Clearing the Ground Digging Deep Within Opening to New Life
PrairieFire: A Two Year Program of Spiritual Renewal and Formation will be offered again this fall by the Center’s Institute for the Practice of Ministry. Men and women desiring to develop and live from strong spiritual centers; to grow in ways that positively impact
their worldviews, life directions, relationships and service in their communities; and to receive education, guidance, and support in creating life sustaining spiritual practices are encouraged to consider PrairieFire. An optional third year opportunity is available for those who complete the Prairiefire experience and choose to pursue a certificate in spiritual direction.
Applications are being accepted now through July 1st for the September 2012 class. Class size is limited to 25. Application materials are available on-line at www.dmpcc.org or by contacting Kathy Reardon, RN, MS, at (515) 274-4006 or [email protected].
“What Are We So Busy About?”Taming the Tyranny of Time with aSpirituality of Time
Do you feel that time is running you, “running out,” passing you by, and robbing you of the opportunity to live your life in a more intentional, satisfying, and peaceful manner? This spiritual enrichment day offered by the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center will explore our perspectives, attitudes, and experiences of time. It will also offer approaches to transcend the myth of the scarcity of time.
Presenters: Kathy Reardon, R.N., M.S., and Mary Jo Franklin Friday, March 23, 2012 8:30 a.m. registration; 9:00 a.m. - 3:30 p.m. program$55 (includes lunch)Held at Plymouth Congregational Church 4126 Ingersoll Ave., Des Moines For information or registration, contact Kathy Reardon at Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center (274-4006 / [email protected]).
Forgiveness Group Counseling
Do you or someone you know struggle with anger, hurt, or holding a grudge? The Center is again partnering with Iowa State University to conduct group therapy sessions at the Center as part of a forgiveness study at ISU. For more information, please visit the study’s website: www.isugroupstudy.com.
Healthy Information from the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center JAN / FEB / MARCH 2012
Non-Profit Org.U.S. Postage
PAIDPermit No. 644Des Moines, IA
is a publication of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, an independent, not-for-profit organization. Celebrating 40 years of ser-vice to adults, families, adolescents, and children for the purpose of enhancing emotional, spiritual, and relationship health. The Center has satellite offices in Ankeny, Lamoni, Leon, Mt. Ayr and Osceola. Editor : Kathleen Murrin
2929 Westown Parkway, Suite 110 • West Des Moines, Iowa 50266
www.dmpcc.orgVisit the Center’s website for more information on the Center’s
counseling services and staff, special events and classes.
A client who was dealing with the devastating loss of his spouse once asked me how I had survived the death of my first wife after a marriage of thirty-three years. I reflected and found myself responding gently, “I don’t know.” That seemed the most genuine response I could share in that moment. At first, he voiced anxiety and disappointment in my answer but, in the course of our talk that day, he shared that my answer seemed “honest” and, therefore, of some comfort to him.
As we were concluding our work some months later, the client returned to that moment and expressed appreciation. Somehow in the act of sharing my “not knowing,” the understanding between us deepened, even as we acknowledged the reality that there was no simple solution or escape from the pain of the grief journey.
Of course, I did know many things that had helped me on my journey of grief--my family, supportive friends and colleagues, spiritual resources – but at the heart of the experience for me lies a mystery.
I realize now that I survived the loss, but I wasn’t “in charge.” Grief is not an experience we control or manipulate, but rather it is a living, evolving process within us, which can surprise and frighten us at times. I’ve come to believe grieving is a long-term natural healing process that we can come
to honor and trust. It is a process that will not be long ignored without consequences. It is a process we can nurture, a process with unavoidable pain at times, but a process that can lead to a deepening of our experience of life and relationships. Fortunately much has been written about the grief experience, providing us with maps that help us stay oriented as we explore this challenging landscape. First, it helps to be aware that we experience many losses beyond the loss of a beloved person and that these losses bring with them significant grief. Most of us have experienced loss of a beloved pet, a friendship, a job, our health, or loss of a parenting role when our teenager leaves for college. It is helpful to be attuned to the significance of these losses and their impact upon us.
Second, in the process of grieving, we can expect intense emotions. Sometimes the emotions themselves are surprising and may seem unacceptable; for example, a person may experience relief after the death of a loved one and feel confused or guilty
about this. It is helpful to accept all feelings without judgment as a normal part of the grieving process. Grief can be sneaky – emotions can spring on us suddenly just when we think we are feeling better. A helpful coping strategy is to stay with the emotion – the sadness, the yearning – and to practice relaxed, focused breathing, knowing that the emotion, like an ocean wave, will pass, leaving us free to reengage with life. In fact, one pattern of a healthy grieving process is a movement back and forth between involvement in everyday life and experiencing the acute feelings of pining, sadness and possibly anger, guilt and loss.
Third, do not expect discrete stages of grief with clear progression from one stage to another; rather expect surprise and a degree of confusion. It is helpful to give ourselves permission to grieve at our own pace, in our own way. Support of family, friends and spiritual companions is very helpful, but each of us
must trust our sense of what we need at a given time. A special challenge is posed if our loss is not “sanctioned” by parts of society, as may occur with loss in lesbian and gay relationships. All the more important then becomes the compassion of those who understand and support us in our loss.
Of course, it is valuable to read about grief and to benefit from the experience of others who have dealt with serious loss. It is fair to expect healing to extend over a substantial period of time: some writers suggest the first year is the most difficult with the second and third years also being very challenging. Holidays and anniversaries are likely to be particularly difficult. Often it is helpful to plan these occasions carefully, for example, deciding how to memorialize our loss and what coping skills will be most helpful.
Fourth, we need to have realistic expectations of ourselves on this journey. Grief is hard work and many people notice they have less energy and a greater need for rest than they did prior to their loss. Excess activity or withdrawal can be tempting, but unrealistic to sustain over time. So compassion for ourselves and recognition of the magnitude of the loss we’ve experienced is critical.
Fifth, our spiritual resources can be critical to our coping in times of loss, but sometimes the very loss we’ve experienced can erect spiritual barriers to connecting with God or with our faith
Surviving the Grief Journey
Surviving the Grief JourneySurviving the Grief Journey ....................................................................................Page 1C.O.O.L. Corner ......................................................................................................Page 2Center’s Annual Meeting Announcement ...........................................................Page 2Women Helping Women Annual Luncheon .......................................................Page 2Bringing Spirituality into the (Therapy) Room ..................................................Page 3Prairie Fire .................................................................................................................Page 3What Are We So Busy About ................................................................................Page 3Forgiveness Group Counseling .............................................................................Page 3Military Workshops, Presentations and Consultation ......................................Page 4Make A Gift For Hope And Healing .....................................................................Page 4
8553 Urbandale Avenue • Urbandale, Iowa 50322
Military Workshops, Presentations, and Consultation Available
For Churches – Employers – FRGs – Community GroupsSuggested topics include but are not limited to:
• Understanding the Returning Veteran• Coping with Deployment of a Loved One• Reintegration and Military Families
Individual and Couples and Reintegration Counseling is also available for military families. For more information please contact Michele Lukacik, MA, LMHC, NCC, Veteran, at the Center (515-274-4006 or by email at [email protected]).
Make a gift for hope and healing
There are individuals and families in our community struggling with life’s issues on very limited resources – experiencing pain, confusion and despair beyond what they can handle alone. For 40 years the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center has helped people through difficult times in their lives by offering high-quality, affordable mental health counseling to all. Your gift today can help:
• Calm the panic and fear in a distressed child, • Bring a sense of clarity to a confused teenager, and • Offer renewed hope to someone whose prior experience has taught them to give up on finding help or healing.
Your support can make a very real difference in someone’s life. Contact Kathleen Murrin (274-4006 or [email protected]) or send your tax-deductible contribution to the Center.
Employment Opportunities at the Center
If you are a doctoral or master’s level therapist licensed with the state of Iowa, and if you are interested in a collegial working environment with extensive opportunities for professional development, we’d like to talk with you. Please contact Ellery Duke, Ph.D., Executive Director, [email protected].