Anger Management For Kids

With

Dr. Sheldon Braaten

Behavioral Institute For Children And Adolescents 1711 County Rd B West, Suite 110S

Roseville, MN 55113

Ph 651-484-5510 Fax 651-483-3879 email sbraaten@behavioralinstitute.org

www.behavioralinstitute.org

Psychology of Anger Harry Mills, Ph.D.

Anger is a natural and mostly automatic response to pain of one form or another (physical or emotional). Anger can occur when people don't feel well, feel rejected, feel threatened, or experience some loss. The type of pain does not matter; the important thing is that the pain experienced is unpleasant. Because anger never occurs in isolation but rather is necessarily preceded by pain feelings, it is often characterized as a 'secondhand' emotion.

Pain alone is not enough to cause anger. Anger occurs when pain is combined with some anger-triggering thought. Thoughts that can trigger anger include personal assessments, assumptions, evaluations, or interpretations of situations that makes people think that someone else is attempting (consciously or not) to hurt them. In this sense, anger is a social emotion; You always have a target that your anger is directed against (even if that target is yourself). Feelings of pain, combined with anger-triggering thoughts motivate you to take action, face threats and defend yourself by striking out against the target you think is causing you pain.

A Substitute Emotion

Anger can also be a substitute emotion. By this we mean that sometimes people make themselves angry so that they don't have to feel pain. People change their feelings of pain into anger because it feels better to be angry than it does to be in pain. This changing of pain into anger may be done consciously or unconsciously.

Being angry rather than simply in pain has a number of advantages, primarily among them distraction. People in pain generally think about their pain. However, angry people think about harming those who have caused pain. Part of the transmutation of pain into anger involves an attention shift – from self-focus to other-focus. Anger thus temporarily protects people from having to recognize and deal with their painful real feelings; you get to worry about getting back at the people you're angry with instead. Making yourself angry can help you to hide the reality that you find a situation frightening or that you feel vulnerable.

In addition to providing a good smoke screen for feelings of vulnerability, becoming angry also creates a feeling of righteousness, power and moral superiority that is not present when someone is merely in pain. When you are angry, you are angry with cause. "The people who have hurt me are wrong – they should be punished" is the common refrain. It is very rare that someone will get angry with someone they do not think has harmed them in some significant fashion.

Anger Feeling Words Continuum

Levels of Intensity

Weak Mild Strong Intense

Livid

Cranky

Irate

Furious

Raving

Mean

Cross

Sore

Seething

Grouchy

Irritated

Incensed

Upset

Enraged

Annoyed

Displeased

Fierce

Infuriated

Fuming

Sullen

Offended

Bitter

Sulky

exasperated

Burned up

Incensed

Acrimonious

Disgusted

Mad

Hot

Miffed

Nettled

Riled

Dismayed

Put out

Revengeful

Irked

Blustery

Source: Pat Huggins, 2005 Helping Kids Handle Anger

Boiling hot

Very cool

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ANGER!

Anger is a completely normal human emotion. However, when it gets out of control it can become destructive. Uncontrolled anger can lead to problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. Anger - one letter away from Danger!

What exactly is Anger? Anger has been described as "An emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage". What happens when I get angry? Like other emotions, anger causes physiological and biological changes. When you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, and so do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenalin.

What causes people to get angry? As we all know, anger can be caused by both external and internal events.

People get angry at a specific person (such as a co-worker or supervisor) or an event (a traffic jam, a cancelled flight).

People get angry at those not even involved in the situation. Anger can be caused by worrying or brooding about personal problems - real or imagined. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

How do people express anger? The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats. It inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours. This allows us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. However, you can't go around tearing off people arms and lashing out at every person or object that irritates or annoys you!

So what do people do instead? People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are Sharing, Calming and Suppressing. When none of these work, that's when someone - or something - is going to get hurt. The dog gets kicked!

Sharing your anger

Sharing your feelings and thoughts in an assertive, non-aggressive, manner is the healthiest way to diffuse anger. To do this, you have to learn how to get other people to understand your feelings and what you want. Equally importantly, you have to do this without hurting them. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding... it means being respectful of yourself and others. This doesn't mean 'Let it all hang-out'...

Calming your anger

("Calm down my dear!" Michael Winner did not invent this advice! It's been around for some time ...and it's very good advice.) This means not just controlling your outward behaviour but also controlling your internal responses. Deflate the situation by learning to control what's happening in your body as well to your mouth. If you want some tips on how to do this check out 'Relaxation' on the Anger Management Strategies page - link above.

Suppressing your anger

Anger can be suppressed and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger. When you stop reacting and focus on something else. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour

The big danger in this type of approach is that if anger isn't allowed outward expression, it can turn inwards. You don't actually get it out of your system. Then some very nasty things can happen. Read more... FTT - Why are some people more angry than others? People who are easily angered generally have what psychologists call a low Frustration Tolerance Threshold - FTT. They feel that they should not have to be subjected to any frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. It's never their fault or responsibility. They think the world is out to get them. Most are 'hot-headed'. They get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. However, some low FTT people don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. They don't curse and throw things; they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill. They 'get even' later.

Change the way you think Psychologists call this Cognitive Restructuring, (they would ..wouldn't they?). "This !&**%@!! system never works!!"

Logic defeats anger because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself.

Have a positive outlook. 'Always look on the bright side of life... de dum de dum...' Remember that it is not the end of the world and that getting angry is not going to fix the problem. Utilise 'positive self-talk' to restructure how you are thinking about the problem. Remember that getting angry escalates the situation and heightens emotions. Logic can overcome anger. Give yourself time to think through the best solution to the problem, rather than just reacting.

Change the way you think and you are likely to express yourself more effectively. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colourful terms. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones.

Remind yourself that the world is 'not out to get you', you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better, (and may actually make you feel worse). Will it really matter to you in a year's time? Apply these disciplines each time you feel anger getting the best of you and it will help you get a more balanced perspective.

Relaxation Simple relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your 'gut'. Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as 'relax', 'take it easy'. Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery to relax and escape. Visualize something or somewhere that is calming to you. Consider meditation techniques.

Try exercising or engaging in non-strenuous exercise like walking, stretching, yoga. Exercise can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer. Doing exercise on a regular basis will help you get more in tune with yourself. Doing it when you are upset will help to calm both body and mind.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically before or when you're in a tense situation.

Develop your problem solving skill Not all anger is misplaced, often it can be a healthy, natural response. Sometimes, anger and frustration are caused by

very real and inescapable problems. Some problems do not have a definite or immediate solution - this adds to the frustration. The best strategy in this situation is not to focus on finding the solution but on how to handle and face the problem. Make a plan and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best shot. Don’t punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. Approach problems with your best intentions and make a serious attempt to face them head-on. This way, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Develop your communication skill Slow down - listen - think - then talk.

Angry people tend to jump to - and act on – conclusions. Often those conclusions can be very distorted and inaccurate. Don’t let your anger build. Slow down and rethink the first things that come to mind when a heated discussion takes place. Your choice of words and emphasis is very important. So too is body language. It makes sense to maintain good eye contact and pay attention to your facial expression and hand gestures. Attack the problem not the person. Listen carefully to what they have to say and try not to argue. Take time to decide the best course of action. Be patient with the other person and avoid put-downs. Compromise may be an option and lead to an amicable resolution. Respect each other and recognize when to quit. When it is over, let it be over.

Change your environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some 'personal time'. Find alternatives to your daily routine that are more soothing. Breaks throughout the day can help you stay focused and relaxed.

Humour Use humour to dissolve some of your pent up feelings. Humour can diffuse both the physical and emotional effects of anger. Reducing your rage through humour can bring a more calm and settling atmosphere, and help you attain a more balanced perspective. 'Silly humour' often works best. If someone is really making you angry, visualise them in an unusual ludicrous situation. Playing ping-pong in the nude! Sitting opposite you wearing a snorkel and flippers! Stuck to the loo with super glue!

Jokes - make them short. When anger is around one-liners work better than 'shaggy dog' stories.

Learn to 'step out of your body'. Just imagine how funny and ridiculous you must look and sound when you are ranting and raving!

There are two cautions in using humour. First, don't try to just ‘laugh off’ your problems; rather, use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humour; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

http://prfwebsite.com/rageandstress/rage1.htm# What exactly is Anger

The Most Important Things To Remember About Getting Mad!

Lynne Namka, Ed. D.

• I am in charge of my own feelings. o I own my feelings. o I feel them, name them and then tell them. o It is okay to feel angry. o I learn how to express my anger in ways that are helpful. o Anger is part of being a human being and that's a wonderful thing to be.

• I am in charge of my own behavior. o I get my control. o I control what I do with my anger. o I gain control over how I let my anger out. o I watch my thoughts. o Hot thoughts keep me angry. Cool thoughts calm me down. o I practice cooling off. I learn to chill myself out. I take a chill pill. o I feel good about being responsible for chilling myself out.

• I remember people are precious. o I stop hurting others or myself with my anger. o I watch my thoughts. I watch my words. I watch my actions. o I own the hurtful words and actions that I do to others. o I learn about things I do when I am stressed and threatened. o I stop hurting people with my words and actions. o I feel good about treating people with kindness.

• I choose to feel good about myself through speaking out. o I express angry feelings in ways that are fair to others and myself. o I use my firm and fair words: "I feel ____ when you _____." o I tell my feelings and then try to work things out. o I feel good about saying what I feel and what I stand for.

• I don't have to hold on to my anger. o I find ways to let my anger go. o I talk about my hurt feelings and angry feelings. o I problem solve things that make me upset. o I keep looking until I find someone safe to talk about my anger. o I talk about my words and actions that hurt others.

• I take my power! o I stand up for myself. I stand up for others who are being hurt. o I learn to break into my mean thoughts that I use to beat myself up. o I feel good about learning about myself. o I am powerful when I use my fair and firm words.

The definition of whether someone's anger is a problem often turns on whether or not other people agree with them that their anger, and the actions they take in the name of their anger, is justified. Angry people most always feel that their anger is justified. However, other people don't always agree. The social judgment of anger creates real consequences for the angry person. An angry person may feel justified in committing an angry, aggressive action, but if a judge or jury of peers do not see it that way, that angry person may still go to jail. If a boss doesn't agree that anger expressed towards a customer is justified, a job may still be lost. If a spouse doesn't agree that anger was justified, a marriage may have problems.

Whether justified or unjustified, the seductive feeling of righteousness associated with anger offers a powerful temporary boost to self-esteem. It is more satisfying to feel angry than to acknowledge the painful feelings associated with vulnerability. You can use anger to convert feelings of vulnerability and helplessness into feelings of control and power. Some people develop an unconscious habit of transforming almost all of their vulnerable feelings into anger so they can avoid having to deal with them. The problem becomes that even when anger distracts you from the fact that you feel vulnerable, you still at some level feel vulnerable. Anger cannot make pain disappear – it only distracts you from it. Anger generally does not resolve or address the problems that made you feel fearful or vulnerable in the first place, and it can create new problems, including social and health issues.

Retrieved from: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=5804&cn=116

Helping Young Children Deal with AngerMarian Marion

Children’s anger presents challenges to teachers committedto constructive, ethical, and effective child guidance. ThisDigest explores what we know about the components ofchildren’s anger, factors contributing to understanding andmanaging anger, and the ways teachers can guide children’sexpressions of anger.

Three Components of AngerAnger is believed to have three components (Lewis &Michalson, 1983):The Emotional State of Anger. The first component is theemotion itself, defined as an affective or arousal state, or afeeling experienced when a goal is blocked or needs arefrustrated. Fabes and Eisenberg (1992) describe severaltypes of stress-producing anger provocations that youngchildren face daily in classroom interactions:

• Conflict over possessions, which involves someonetaking children’s property or invading their space.

• Physical assault, which involves one child doingsomething to another child, such as pushing or hitting.

• Verbal conflict, for example, a tease or a taunt.• Rejection, which involves a child being ignored or not

allowed to play with peers.• Issues of compliance, which often involve asking or

insisting that children do something that they do not wantto do—for instance, wash their hands.

Expression of Anger. The second component of anger is itsexpression. Some children vent or express anger throughfacial expressions, crying, sulking, or talking, but do little totry to solve a problem or confront the provocateur. Othersactively resist by physically or verbally defending theirpositions, self-esteem, or possessions in nonaggressiveways. Still other children express anger with aggressiverevenge by physically or verbally retaliating against theprovocateur. Some children express dislike by telling theoffender that he or she cannot play or is not liked. Otherchildren express anger through avoidance or attempts toescape from or evade the provocateur. And some childrenuse adult seeking, looking for comfort or solutions from ateacher, or telling the teacher about an incident.Teachers can use child guidance strategies to help childrenexpress angry feelings in socially constructive ways.Children develop ideas about how to express emotions(Michalson & Lewis, 1985; Russel, 1989) primarily throughsocial interaction in their families and later by watchingtelevision or movies, playing video games, and readingbooks (Honig & Wittmer, 1992). Some children have learned

a negative, aggressive approach to expressing anger(Cummings, 1987; Hennessy et al., 1994) and, whenconfronted with everyday anger conflicts, resort to usingaggression in the classroom (Huesmann, 1988). A majorchallenge for early childhood teachers is to encouragechildren to acknowledge angry feelings and to help themlearn to express anger in positive and effective ways.An Understanding of Anger. The third component of theanger experience is understanding—interpreting andevaluating—the emotion. Because the ability to regulate theexpression of anger is linked to an understanding of theemotion (Zeman & Shipman, 1996), and because children’sability to reflect on their anger is somewhat limited, childrenneed guidance from teachers and parents in understandingand managing their feelings of anger.

Understanding and Managing AngerThe development of basic cognitive processes undergirdschildren’s gradual development of the understanding ofanger (Lewis & Saarni, 1985).Memory. Memory improves substantially during earlychildhood (Perlmutter, 1986), enabling young children tobetter remember aspects of anger-arousing interactions.Children who have developed unhelpful ideas of how toexpress anger (Miller & Sperry, 1987) may retrieve the earlyunhelpful strategy even after teachers help them gain a morehelpful perspective. This finding implies that teachers mayhave to remind some children, sometimes more than once ortwice, about the less aggressive ways of expressing anger.Language. Talking about emotions helps young childrenunderstand their feelings (Brown & Dunn, 1996). Theunderstanding of emotion in preschool children is predictedby overall language ability (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud,1994). Teachers can expect individual differences in theability to identify and label angry feelings because children’sfamilies model a variety of approaches in talking aboutemotions.Self-referential and self-regulatory behaviors. Self-referentialbehaviors include viewing the self as separate from othersand as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulationrefers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, andpostponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation inyoung children provides a base for early childhood teacherswho can develop strategies to nurture children’s emergingability to regulate the expression of anger.

Guiding Children’s Expressions of AngerTeachers can help children deal with anger by guiding theirunderstanding and management of this emotion. The

Clearinghouse on Elementary andEarly Childhood Education

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practices described here can help children understand andmanage angry feelings in a direct and nonaggressive way.Create a safe emotional climate. A healthy early childhoodsetting permits children to acknowledge all feelings, pleasantand unpleasant, and does not shame anger. Healthyclassroom systems have clear, firm, and flexible boundaries.Model responsible anger management. Children have animpaired ability to understand emotion when adults show alot of anger (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Adults whoare most effective in helping children manage anger modelresponsible management by acknowledging, accepting, andtaking responsibility for their own angry feelings and byexpressing anger in direct and nonaggressive ways.Help children develop self-regulatory skills. Teachers ofinfants and toddlers do a lot of self-regulation “work,”realizing that the children in their care have a very limitedability to regulate their own emotions. As children get older,adults can gradually transfer control of the self to children, sothat they can develop self-regulatory skills.Encourage children to label feelings of anger. Teachers andparents can help young children produce a label for theiranger by teaching them that they are having a feeling andthat they can use a word to describe their angry feeling. Apermanent record (a book or chart) can be made of lists oflabels for anger (e.g., mad, irritated, annoyed), and the classcan refer to it when discussing angry feelings.Encourage children to talk about anger-arousing interactions.Preschool children better understand anger and otheremotions when adults explain emotions (Denham, Zoller, &Couchoud, 1994). When children are embroiled in an anger-arousing interaction, teachers can help by listening withoutjudging, evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently.Use books and stories about anger to help childrenunderstand and manage anger. Well-presented stories aboutanger and other emotions validate children’s feelings andgive information about anger (Jalongo, 1986; Marion, 1995).It is important to preview all books about anger becausesome stories teach irresponsible anger management.Communicate with parents. Some of the same strategiesemployed to talk with parents about other areas of thecurriculum can be used to enlist their assistance in helpingchildren learn to express emotions. For example, articlesabout learning to use words to label anger can be included ina newsletter to parents.Children guided toward responsible anger management aremore likely to understand and manage angry feelings directlyand nonaggressively and to avoid the stress oftenaccompanying poor anger management (Eisenberg et al.,1991). Teachers can take some of the bumps out ofunderstanding and managing anger by adopting positiveguidance strategies.

____________________Condensed by permission from Marian Marion, “Guiding YoungChildren’s Understanding and Management of Anger,” Young Children52(7), 62-67. Copyright 1997 by the National Association for theEducation of Young Children.

For More InformationBrown, J. R., & Dunn, J. (1996). Continuities in emotionunderstanding from three to six years. Child Development,67(3), 789-803. EJ 528 209.Cummings, E. (1987). Coping with background anger in earlychildhood. Child Development, 58(4), 976-984. EJ 359 847.

Denham, S. A., Zoller, D., & Couchoud, E. A. (1994).Socialization of preschoolers’ emotion understanding.Developmental Psychology, 30(6), 928-937. EJ 498 090.Eisenberg, N., Fabes, R., Schaller, M., Carlo, G., & Miller, P.(1991). The relations of parental characteristics andpractices to children’s vicarious emotional responding. ChildDevelopment, 62(6), 1393-1408. EJ 439 967.Fabes, R. A., & Eisenberg, N. (1992). Young children’scoping with interpersonal anger. Child Development, 63(1),116-128. EJ 439 998.Hennessy, K. D., Rabideau, G. J., Cicchetti, D., &Cummings, E. M. (1994). Responses of physically abusedand nonabused children to different forms of interadultanger. Child Development, 65(3), 815-828.Honig, A., & Wittmer, D. (1992). Prosocial development inchildren: Caring, sharing, and cooperation: A bibliographicresource guide. New York: Garland.Huesmann, L. (1988). An information processing model forthe development of aggression. Aggressive Behavior, 14(1),13-24.Jalongo, M. (1986). Using crisis-oriented books with youngchildren. In J. B. McCracken (Ed.), Reducing stress in youngchildren’s lives (pp. 41-46). Washington, DC: NAEYC.Lewis, M., & Michalson, L. (1983). Children’s emotions andmoods. New York: Plenum.Lewis, M., & Saarni, C. (1985). Culture and emotions. In M.Lewis & C. Saarni (Eds.), The socialization of emotions (pp.1-17). New York: Plenum.Marion, M. (1995). Guidance of young children. Columbus,OH: Merrill.Michalson, L., & Lewis, M. (1985). What do children knowabout emotions and when do they know it? In M. Lewis & C.Saarni (Eds.), The socialization of emotions (pp. 117-139).New York: Plenum.Miller, P., & Sperry, L. (1987). The socialization of anger andaggression. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 33(1), 1-31. EJ 351 314.Perlmutter, M. (1986). A life-span view of memory. In P. B.Baltes, D. L. Featherman, & R. M. Learner, Life-spandevelopment and behavior (Vol. 7). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.Russel, J. A. (1989). Culture, scripts, and children’sunderstanding of emotion. In C. Saarni & P. L. Harris (Eds.),Children’s understanding of emotion (pp. 293-318).Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.Zeman, J., & Shipman, K. (1996). Children’s expression ofnegative affect: Reasons and methods. DevelopmentalPsychology, 32(5), 842-850. EJ 534 557.

____________________References identified with an ED (ERIC document), EJ (ERIC journal), orPS number are cited in the ERIC database. Most documents areavailable in ERIC microfiche collections at more than 900 locationsworldwide and can be ordered through EDRS: (800) 443-ERIC. Journalarticles are available from the original journal, interlibrary loan services,or article reproduction clearinghouses such as: UnCover (800) 787-7979,UMI (800) 732-0616, or ISI (800) 523-1850.

This publication was funded by the Office of Educational Researchand Improvement, U.S. Department of Education, under contractno. DERR93002007. The opinions expressed in this report do notnecessarily reflect the positions or policies of OERI. ERIC Digestsare in the public domain and may be freely reproduced.

Handout 2.7: Social Emotional Teaching StrategiesModule 2

The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign csefel.uiuc.edu H 2.7(p. 1/5)

Rev. 5/06

Gail E. Joseph, Ph.D. & Phillip S.Strain, Ph.D.

Center on Evidence Based Practicesfor Early Learning

University of Colorado at Denver

As a result of his teachers’ carefulselection of toys, materials, andplay themes, 3 year old Eduardo

now is able to benefit from his activeparticipation in a full range of freeplay activities. Yet, it is still the casethat without this level of planning andsubsequent, ongoing praise, Eduardowould spend most days playing alonewith a particular Tonka truck. On thisday the truck has been retired fromservice due to a broken and nowdangerous part. Visibly upset,Eduardo begins to whimper as histeacher explains the situation with thetruck and promises to get it replacedsoon. She offers Eduardo other playideas and begins to play with othertrucks herself encouraging him to joinin. The disappointment is toooverwhelming, however, and Eduardojust sits passively, shaking his head,No. His teacher next prompts severalof his usual play partners to, “AskEduardo to help with their building.”When asked, Eduardo screams “No,”stomps over their building project andgets a predicable response from hispeers. The teacher intervenes at thispoint to protect Eduardo, his peersand the ongoing program.

Mattie, a 4 year old in a localHead Start classroom is always thefirst to organize fun play when thewater table comes out each Friday.She often talks with great anticipationand excitement (especially onThursday) about what she is going todo at the water table with her friends.

On this Friday, the water table hasbeen borrowed by the class next doorand is not available. When Mattierealizes that the water table is notavailable she seeks out her teacher forhelp. She does this with a clearexpression of frustration anddisappointment. Her teacher explainswhat happened and asks Mattie todescribe how she is feeling. She saysshe is frustrated. Her teacheracknowledges the legitimacy of herfeelings and asks her if she can thinkof what she and her classmates havepracticed when they feel frustrated.With some prompting, Mattie recallsthe plan—takes three deep breaths,tell yourself to calm down, and thinkof some solutions. Mattie and theteacher generate some options at thispoint, including; a) playing with hernext favorite toy; b) asking her bestfriend what she wants to play; and c)pretending to use the water table. Shechooses b, and has a fun freeplay.

As young children gain a betterunderstanding of emotions, theybecome more capable of emotionalregulation. Controlling anger andimpulse is perhaps the most difficulttask of emotional literacy. In real lifesituations that are upsetting,disappointing and frustrating it is atough undertaking to remain calm.Remaining calm in the presence ofadverse situations is not about thesuppression of emotions, but thedynamic engagement of affective,cognitive and behavioral processes.In order to regulate emotions onemust bring into play the rapid andaccurate recognition of physiologicalarousal, the cognitive processrequired to think, for example, “Ineed to calm down” and, the

behavioral pretense of taking a deepbreath and reacting calmly. Childrenwho learn to cope with their emotionsconstructively not only have an easiertime with disappointments,aggravation, and hurt feelings that areso ubiquitous in the lives ofpreschoolers but they also have aneasier time relating to other childrenand adults at home, in school or childcare, and on the playground (NationalResearch Council and Institutes ofMedicine, 2000).

On the other hand, young childrenwho have failed to master the earlyregulatory tasks of learning tomanage interpersonal conflict andcontrol aggressive and disruptiveimpulses are more likely than theirself-regulated peers to display earlyconduct problems. Children withconduct problems and poor impulsecontrol are more likely to be peer-rejected and do more poorly in schoolthan children who are more capableat emotional regulation and problemsolving (Strain, Kerr, Stagg &Lenkner, 1984). Before children caneffectively manage interpersonalconflict, they need to be able torecognize and regulate their ownemotional responses and stress level.Teachers can play a significant role inhelping children learn to control theiranger and impulses and to handledisappointment in appropriate waysby identifying and intervening withchildren who need extra help indeveloping these competencies.Some teaching strategies includemodeling remaining calm; cognitivebehavioral interventions; preparingchildren for disappointing situationsbefore they occur; recognizing andreinforcing when children remain

Helping Young Children Control Angerand Handle Disappointment

calm; and involving parents and othercare providers.

Model remaining calmTeachers can model how to

manage anger and handledisappointment for young children.For example, a teacher can share withher class how she felt angry whensomeone hit her car in the parking lot– but then she decided that feelingmad wasn’t helping her think of goodsolutions – so she took three deepbreaths and thought about somethingrelaxing and then when she felt calmshe thought of some solutions forfixing her car. In addition to recallingincidents when one felt angry butremained in control – teachers canalso model remaining calm asnaturally occurring disappointing,scary, frustrating and difficultsituations happen throughout the day(e.g., a fire drill; being yelled at;having something break, etc.).

Teach children how to controlanger and impulse

While it may be true that childrenoften hear adults telling them to“calm down,” it is very unlikely thatthis simple direction will result in anychanges in children’s affect orbehavior. In some instances this kindof command may even escalate achild’s angry response. Cognitivebehavioral intervention (CBI)strategies can provide children withthe requisite skills to control angerand handle disappointment. CBIsoffer strategies for teachingappropriate replacement skills toangry outbursts and aggression. CBIsengage a relationship betweeninternal cognitive events andbehavioral change through teachingstrategies that guide performance andreduce inappropriate behaviors.Using CBI, teachers can provideyoung children with strategies to

modify their thoughts and promoteself-regulation. With preschooler,many accidents occur in classrooms(e.g., children bumping into oneanother; children knocking overothers’ constructions) and somechildren interpret these accidents aspurposeful, hostile acts. An essentialingredient of CBI is to help childrenreframe and modify their processes inorder to substitute more neutralinterpretations of others’ behaviors.The “turtle technique” is a CBIstrategy that has been usedsuccessfully with preschool andkindergarten age children (Greenberg,Kusche & Quamma, 1995;Webster-Stratton & Hammond, 1997).

The turtle technique was originallydeveloped to teach adults angermanagement skills then wassuccessfully adapted for school agechildren (Robin, Schneider &Dolnick, 1976; Schenider, 1974).Since then, the turtle technique hasbeen adapted and integrated intosocial skills programs for preschoolers(PATHS, Dinosaur School). The basicsteps of the turtle technique are:

Recognizing that you feel angryThinking “stop”Going into your “shell” and taking

three deep breaths and thinkingcalming, coping thoughts, “It was anaccident. I can calm down and thinkof good solutions. I am a goodproblem solver.”

Coming out of your “shell” whencalm and think of some solutions tothe problem.

Teaching the turtle technique toyoung children can happen at largeand small group times. A turtle puppetis helpful and keeps children engagedduring the lesson. The teacher canbegin by introducing the turtle to theclass. After the children get a chanceto say hello and perhaps give a gentlepet, the teacher shares the turtle’sspecial trick for calming down. The

turtle explains a time he got upset inpreschool (selecting an incidentfamiliar to the children is best). Hedemonstrates how he thinks to himself“STOP,” then goes in his shell andtakes three deep breaths. After hetakes three deep breaths, he thinks tohimself “I can be calm and think ofsome solutions to solve my problem.”When he is calm, he comes out of hisshell and is ready to problem solvepeacefully. The teacher can theninvite the children to practice turtle’ssecret. Children can “go in theirshells” as a group and together takethree deep breaths. Then anindividual child can model the “turtletechnique” in front of the class.Practice small group activities caninclude making paper plate turtleswith moveable heads and arms that“go in their shell.” Children can thenrehearse the steps with the paper plateturtle.

Preparing children to handledisappointment

Teachers can help children byrehearsing some strategies to handledisappointment before a potentiallydisappointing incident occurs. Forexample, Elizabeth knows that somechildren will be disappointed becauseshe can only choose one “helper” tofeed the pet goldfish. Before sheannounces who the helper will be shesays to the class, “Remember, I willonly be able to select one fish feedertoday, and that may make some of youfeel disappointed. What can you do ifyou feel disappointed?” The childrentogether snap their finger and say, “Ohwell, maybe next time.” Elizabethsays, “That is right you can say –‘Maybe next time.’” After she selectsthe fish feeder, she reinforces thechildren who remained calm andhandled their disappointment.Similarly, a teacher can prepare asingle child for a disappointing

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situation before it occurs. Elizabethknows that Jordan will be disappointedif someone else is on his favoriteswing on the playground. Before theyleave for outside, she pulls Jordanaside and says, “When we go outside,someone else might be on yourfavorite swing. And you might feeldisappointed. But, what can you do tostay calm?” She supports Jordan toremember his “turtle technique” andhelps him think of some solutions suchas asking for a turn, saying please andfinding something else to do while thechild finishes swinging. For addedsupport, because Jordan may notremember when he is in the moment,Elizabeth gives him a small plasticturtle to hold. The turtle promptsJordan to keep calm and think ofsolutions.

Posting pictures of the turtletechnique (see Box 1 ) can remindchildren of the steps to calming down.These can be posted in several placesaround the room. Visual cues can beparticularly helpful for very youngchildren, children who are easilydistracted, and children withcommunication delays. Strategicallyplaced, the visual cues can serve as:a) a permanent reminder forchildren—that is, children don’t haveto remember the steps of the process,b) an efficient prop for teachers suchthat they can simply point to the nextstep and not disrupt the ongoing classactivity with lengthy dialogue, and, c)a clear, concrete way to communicatewith children the specific behavioralsteps for which they are beingreinforced.

Recognize and comment whenchildren remain calm

There are four key features of areinforcement system that are likelyto help strengthen children’smanagement of frustration and anger.First, it must be recognized thatcontrolling one’s emotions andsubsequent behavior is hard work. Assuch, reinforcement needs to befrequent and powerful. As frequencydepends on the occurrence ofbehavior, teachers need to be equallyvigilant about planning as manyopportunities for practice as possible.Teachers may also find that theirimpact is enhanced when they areespecially vigilant to “catch thosechildren being good” who may needthe most support. A second keyfeature is to provide naturallyoccurring, vicarious reinforcementopportunities. For example, theexchanges that adults have with eachother can be planned to achieve thisaim. For example, Elizabeth mightsay, “Wow, Steven you really stayedcalm when your watch broke. I’mproud of you.”

Third, we recommend thatchildren be provided the opportunitiesfor self-reinforcement.

For example, children can chooseamong several favorite items and theycan forecast at the beginning of theday what they would wish to acquirefor managing anger and frustration.Finally, we recommend keepingreinforcers varied and fun. Box 2outlines some favorite ideas toconsider. This system, whenimplemented with a high degree offidelity, sends a clear message toyoung children that handling angerand impulse in constructive andpeaceful ways is greatly valued.

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Box 1. The Turtle Technique

The Turtle Technique

Step 1 Step 2

Step 3 Step 4

Rev. 5/06

communication system in which adaily report card is sent home that: a)highlights how children havesuccessfully negotiated a frustratingsituation and b) suggests ways thatfamily members might furtherrecognize and encourage theseaccomplishments. An example homereport is found in Box 3. In this samespirit of regular communication,teachers may also wish to phone hometo report any extraordinary examplesof positive child behavior. For manyfamilies this can be a most welcomechange from the usual events thatoccasion phone calls from serviceproviders.

For families that are interested inmore directed and purposefulintervention in the home, teachersmight choose to share a video ofthemselves modeling strategies,directly teaching a techniques, andreinforcing children for successfullycalming down. Moreover, teachersshould consider the possibility ofarranging opportunities for families toshare with each other the ways theyhave been able to encourage theirchildren’s self-regulation.

ConclusionEmotional regulation is fostered

not only by the interventions andstrategies described in this article, butalso by the confidence and securitythat a warm, responsive relationshipwith a caregiver provides youngchildren. Trusting relationships allowchildren to cope with emotions that,initially without even a feelingvocabulary to describe them orstrategies to regulate them, can beoverwhelming. Moreover this kind oftrusting relationship, by definition,means that children will be moreattuned, attentive, and responsive asadults model appropriate self-regulation and praise examples thatoccur throughout the day.

Strategies like the turtle techniqueand accompanying teaching supportscan clearly offer children thecognitive and behavioral repertoireneeded to be good managers of theirfeelings—particularly thoseoccasioned by frustrating and anger-provoking circumstances. However,for children to be truly competent inthe regulation of their emotions theyoften need additional teaching aimed

Super Turtle Award: Acertificate is given out at the end ofthe day noting how a childcontrolled their anger and impulse.

“Turtle Power” Necklace: Aplastic turtle on a string is awardedto a child who was able to remainclam in an upsetting situation.

“Turtle Token Jar”: Theteacher has a collection of smallplastic turtle counters (or greenpom-poms). Every time the teachercatches a child remaining calm andhandling disappointment – a turtletoken is placed in a clear jar. Whenthe jar is full the class gets to have aturtle celebration.

“Turtle Stack”: Teachers havea supply of construction paper,turtle cut-outs. Each time a child iscaught remaining calm in anupsetting or disappointing situation,the teacher puts a paper turtle on thewall. This turtle can have thechild’s name on it. The next turtleearned is stacked on top of the first,and so on until the criterion isreached. The class then gets to havea turtle party.

“Turtle Tote”: The teacherselects a child who has done aremarkable job of controlling angerand impulse and sends them homewith a stuffed turtle puppet for theevening. The child can then re-tellhow they used the turtle techniqueto their parents.

Box 2: Fun, Reinforcing Activities

Turtle Technique ReinforcingActivities

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Involving parentsGiven that there is great variation

in child rearing practices specific toteaching children how to deal withfrustration and anger, it is essentialfor teachers to establish effectivehome-school collaboration. At aminimum we suggest an ongoing

GOOD BEHAVIOR REPORT CARDEric Young

4/10/02Dear Parent:Today Eric did a great job of handling frustration and notgetting angry when we ran out of his favorite cookies at snack.Instead of getting upset, Eric took three deep breaths and wetalked about other good things to eat.

You can help Eric by:Asking him to explain how he calmed downCommenting on what a great job that wasTelling him that you hope he can do that again

when he is frustrated.

Thank you so much,Mr. Phil

Box 3: Sample letter to parents

Rev. 5/06

at helping them build a strategy forgenerating solutions or alternativebehaviors to troubling events.

REFERENCESGreenberg, M. T., Kusche, C. A.,

Cook, E. T., & Quamma, J. P. (1995).Promoting emotional competence inschool-aged children: The effects ofthe PATHS Curriculum. Developmentand Psychopathology, 7, 117-136.

Kusche, C. A., & Greenberg, M. T.(1994) The PATHS Curriculum.Seattle: Developmental Research andPrograms.

Robin, A., Schneider, M., &Dolnick, M. (1976). The turtletechnique: An extended case study ofself-control in the classroom.Psychology in the Schools, 13, 449-453.

Strain, P. S., Kerr, M. M., Stagg, V.& Lenkner, D. (1984). An empiricaldefinition of elementary schooladjustment. Behavior Modification,8, 311-47.

Schneider, M. (1974). Turtletechnique in the classroom. TeachingExceptional Children, 7, 21-24.

Webster-Stratton, C. (1991). Theteachers and children videotapeseries: Dina dinosaur school. Seattle,WA: The Incredible Years.

Webster-Stratton, C., & Hammond,M. (1997). Treating children withearly-onset conduct problems: Acomparison of child and parenttraining interventions. Journal ofConsulting and Clinical Psychology,65(1), 93-109.

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National Mental Health Information Center Article location: http://www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/Ca0032/default.asp

Helping the Child Who is Expressing Anger

When you hear about children killing other children, you may think, "I don’t know a single child who could do such a thing."

Too often the daily news confirms that children and teens can be violent, even deadly. As parents, families, teachers and members of the community, what can we do to help children cope with angry feelings--from frustration to rage?

Some young people turn to violence, because they do not see other ways to endure what they are feeling at that moment. They may not anticipate the repercussions of their violence.

These tips may help when you recognize a child who is withdrawing or exploding over everyday frustrations:

• Listen to what the child is saying about his or her feelings and be willing to talk about any subject. Young people today are dealing with adult problems such as love, sex, relationships, failure and rejection. Unfortunately, their minds and bodies simply are not ready for these stresses.

• Provide comfort and assurance. Tell the child that you care about his or her problems. Show confidence in his or her ability to tackle life’s ups and downs.

• Tell the child that everyone experiences anger. Tell him or her about the last time you felt really angry and how you dealt with that anger in a positive way.

• Encourage the child to shift gears to spend some time doing things he or she really likes to do playing sports, walking someone’s dog, or reading a book. A different activity can refocus thoughts and help alleviate some of the angry feelings.

• Teach basic problem-solving skills. When upsetting situations arise, the child who has practiced these skills will be more likely to think through the consequences of different actions and will, ultimately, make a better choice than violence.

• Look at how you handle your own anger. Are you setting a good example? Would you want to be imitated by a child who admires you?

• Acknowledge good behavior. When a child deals with his or her anger in a positive way, praise the positive choice. Take every opportunity to reinforce strengths. Build the child’s awareness of his or her own talents and abilities.

If none of these approaches seems to work, and the child stays angry or withdrawn for a long time, seek help. Talk to your family doctor or pediatrician. Together, you may decide that your child and family need help from someone with more mental health training.

Free information about children’s and adolescents mental health is available from the CARING FOR EVERY CHILDS MENTAL HEALTH: Communities Together public education campaign of the Center for Mental Health Services, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Call 1.800.789.2647 or go to www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/child/ on the Internet. CA-0032 Updated 08/03

RULES FOR GETTING YOUR MADS OUT

• Check your tummy, jaws and your fists. See if the mads are coming.

• Breathe! Blow your mad out. • Get your control. Feel good about getting

your control. • Stop and think; make a good choice. • People are not to be hurt with your hands,

feet or voice. You can't hurt people just because you are mad.

• Remember to use your firm words, not your fists.

• Use a strong voice and talk your mads out. Say "I feel mad when you ____."

• Sometimes you need to take a time out to get your control back. • Take yourself off to a safe place and talk to yourself. • Pat yourself on the back for getting your mad out nicely.

Text and illustrations are copyright 1995 Lynne Namka. The Mad Family Gets Their Mads Out

Sheldon Braaten, Behavioral Institute for Children and Adolescents

I’ve got my goat under control.

Do you?

Behavioral Institute for Children and Adolescents

1711 County Road B West, Suite 110S Roseville, MN 55113

651-484-5510

www.behavioralinstitute.org

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