p348 anger management course

8/2/2019 P348 Anger Management Course

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AngerManagement


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TABLEOFCONTENTS

ModuleOne:GettingStarted.............................................................................................................. 1

PreAssignmentReview ............................................................................................................................ 2

WorkshopObjectives ................................................................................................................................ 3

ModuleTwo:UnderstandingAnger ..................................................................................................... 4

TheCycleofAnger ....................................................................................................................................5

UnderstandingFightorFlight...................................................................................................................8

CommonMythsaboutAnger....................................................................................................................9

ModuleThree:DosandDonts.......................................................................................................... 11

UnhelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger...................................................................................................12

HelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger.......................................................................................................13

ModuleFour:GainingControl............................................................................................................ 14

AWordofWarning.................................................................................................................................15

UsingCopingThoughts...........................................................................................................................16

UsingRelaxationTechniques .................................................................................................................. 17

BlowingOffSomeSteam ......................................................................................................................19 9

ModuleFive:SeparatethePeoplefromtheProblem ......................................................................... 21

Objectivevs.SubjectiveLanguage..........................................................................................................22

IdentifyingtheProblem .......................................................................................................................... 24

UsingIMessages.................................................................................................................................25

ModuleSix:WorkingontheProblem................................................................................................. 26

UsingConstructive

Disagreement ..........................................................................................................27

NegotiationTips......................................................................................................................................28

BuildingConsensus ................................................................................................................................. 29

IdentifyingSolutions ...............................................................................................................................30


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ModuleSeven:SolvingtheProblem................................................................................................... 31

ChoosingaSolution ................................................................................................................................32

MakingaPlan.........................................................................................................................................33

GettingitDone .......................................................................................................................................34

ModuleEight:APersonalPlan ........................................................................................................... 35

UnderstandingHotButtons....................................................................................................................36

IdentifyingYourHotButtons .................................................................................................................. 36

APersonalAngerLog..............................................................................................................................37

ModuleNine:TheTripleAApproach ................................................................................................. 38

Alter ........................................................................................................................................................39

Avoid .......................................................................................................................................................40

Accept .....................................................................................................................................................41

ModuleTen:DealingwithAngryPeople ............................................................................................ 42

DeescalationTechniques ....................................................................................................................... 45

WhentoBackAwayandWhattoDoNext.............................................................................................47

ModuleEleven:PullingItAllTogether ............................................................................................... 49

ProcessOverview ....................................................................................................................................50

PuttingItintoAction............................................................................................................................... 51

ModuleTwelve:WrappingUp............................................................................................................ 52

WordsfromtheWise..............................................................................................................................52

QuickReferenceGuide.......................................................................................................................... 524

RecommendedReadingList.................................................................................................................... 56


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Page1

ModuleOne:GettingStarted

WelcometotheAngerManagementworkshop.Benjamin

Franklinoncesaid,Inthisworld,nothingcanbesaidtobe

certain,exceptdeathandtaxes.Wewouldliketohaveathird

itemtohislist:anger.

Angercanbeanincrediblydamagingforce,costingpeople

theirjobs,personalrelationships,andeventheirliveswhenitgetsoutofhand.

However,sinceeveryoneexperiencesanger,itisimportanttohaveconstructive

approachestomanageiteffectively.

Thismaterialwillhelpteachyouhowtoidentifyangertriggersandwhattodowhen

yougetangry.

Holdingontoangerislikegraspingahot

coalwiththeintentofthrowingitat

someoneelse;youaretheonewhogets

burned.

Buddha


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Page2

Pre-AssignmentReview

ThepurposeofthePreAssignmentistogetyou

thinkingabouttheAngerManagementstrategies

youarealreadyusingandwhereyouneedto

improve.

Asapreassignment,weaskthatyou thinkofa

situationwhereyouhadexperiencedanger,

preferablyonethatnolongeraffectsyouinthe

presenttime.

Wealsoaskyoutorecalltheexactsymptomsyouexperienced,andthewayyou

respondedtothesymptoms.Thefollowingguidequestionscanhelpduringthisprocess:

Duringyourangerincident,

1 Whatsymptomsdidyouexperience

a.physically?

b.mentally?

c. emotionally?

d.behaviorally?

a. Whatwasyourresponsetoyourangersymptoms?

b. Wasyourresponsehelpful?Ifyes,inwhatwaywasithelpful?Ifyourresponse

wasnothelpful,inwhatwaywasitunhelpful?

Weaskthatyou takeamomenttoreviewyourresponses.Also,keepyourresponsesin

mindduringtheworkshop,astheycanassistingroundingtheideastobepresented

intoyourpracticallife.


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Page3

WorkshopObjectives

Researchhasconsistentlydemonstratedthatwhencleargoalsareassociatedwith

learningthatthelearningoccursmoreeasilyandrapidly.Withthatinmind,letsreview

ourgoalsfortoday.

Bytheendofthisworkshop,participantswillbeableto:

Listtheelementsoftheangercycle.

List thehelpfulandunhelpfulwaysofdealingwithanger.

Listthetechniquesincontrollinganger,particularreadingangerwarningsigns,

usingcopingthoughts,exercisingrelaxationtechniquesandblowingoffsteam.

Understandthe

difference

between

objective

and

subjective

language.

Knowskillsandtechniquesinmakingadisagreementconstructive,including

effectivenegotiationandsolutionbuilding.

Explain oneshotbuttonsandpersonalangerdynamics.

Explainthe alter,avoidandacceptingwaysofrespondingtoanangerprovoking

situation.

Listfive

negotiation

tips

to

assist

in

arriving

at

amutual

solution.

Learnandpracticedeescalationtechniques.

Listwaystoshortcircuittheangercycle.

Gainanintegratedviewofangermanagementandhowitcanbebestpracticed.


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ModuleTwo:UnderstandingAnger

Beforewediscussspecificangermanagementstrategies,itishelpfultofirstunderstand

thenatureofanger.Whilemostarefamiliarwiththisemotion,noteveryoneisawareof

itsunderlyingdynamics.Inthismodule,wewilldiscussthecycleofanger,thefightand

flightresponse,andcommonmythsaboutanger.

Angeralwayscomesfromfrustrated

expectations.

ElliotLarson


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Trigger

Escalation

Crisis

Recovery

Depression

TheCycle

ofAnger

Normal/

AdaptivePhase

TheCycleofAnger

Angerisanaturalemotionthatusuallystemsfromperceivedthreatorloss.Itsa

pervasiveemotion;

it

affects

our

body,

thoughts,

feelings

and

behavior.

Anger

is

often

describedintermsofitsintensity,frequency,duration,thresholdandexpression.

Angertypicallyfollowsapredictablepattern:acycle. Understandingthecycleofanger

canhelpusunderstandourownangerreactions,andthoseofothers.Itcanalsohelpus

inconsideringthemostappropriateresponse.

Illustratedbelowarethefivephasesoftheangercycle:trigger,escalation,crisis,

recoveryanddepression.


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TheTriggerPhase

Thetriggerphasehappenswhenweperceiveathreatorloss,andourbody

preparestorespond.Inthisphase,thereisasubtlechangefromanindividuals

normal/adaptivestateintohisstressedstate.Angertriggersdifferfromperson

toperson,

and

can

come

from

both

the

environment

or

from

our

thought

processes.

1. TheEscalationPhase

Intheescalationphase,thereistheprogressiveappearanceoftheanger

response.Inthisphase,ourbodypreparesforacrisisafterperceivingthetrigger.

Thispreparationismostlyphysical,andismanifestedthroughsymptomslike

rapidbreathing,increasedheartrateandraisedbloodpressure.Oncethe

escalationphaseisreachedthereislesschanceofcalmingdown,asthisisthe

phasewhere

the

body

prepares

for

fight

or

flight

(to

be

discussed

later).

3.TheCrisisPhase

Aspreviouslymentioned,theescalationphaseisprogressive,anditisinthe

crisisphasethattheangerreactionreachesitspeak.Inthecrisisphaseourbody

isonfullalert,preparedtotakeactioninresponsetothetrigger.Duringthis

phase,logicandrationalitymaybelimited,ifnotimpairedbecausetheanger

instincttakesover.Inextremecases,thecrisisphasemeansthatapersonmay

beaseriousdangertohimselfortootherpeople.

4. TheRecoveryPhase

Therecoveryphasehappenswhentheangerhasbeenspent,oratleast

controlled,andthereisnowasteadyreturntoapersonsnormal/adaptivestate.

Inthisstage,reasoningandawarenessofonesselfreturns.Iftheright

interventionisapplied,thereturntonormalcyprogressessmoothly.However,an

inappropriateinterventioncanreignitetheangerandserveasanewtrigger.

5. TheDepressionPhase

Thedepression

phase

marks

areturn

to

apersons

normal/

adaptive

ways.

Physically,thisstagemarksbelownormalvitalsigns,suchasheartrate,sothat

thebodycanrecoverequilibrium.Apersonsfulluseofhisfacultiesreturnatthis

point,andthenewawarenesshelpsapersonassesswhatjustoccurred.

Consequently,thisstagemaybemarkedbyembarrassment,guilt,regretand/or

depression.


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Afterthedepressionphaseisareturntoanormaloradaptivephase.Anewtrigger,

however,canstarttheentirecyclealloveragain.

Belowis

an

example

of

aperson

going

through

the

five

stages

of

the

anger

cycle:

Josephinecamehomefromworktoseedirtyplatesleftinthesink(triggerphase).She

startedtowashthem,butasshewasdoingsoshekeptthinkingabouthow

inconsiderateherchildrenarefornotcleaningafterthemselves.Shewasalreadytired

fromworkanddoesnotneedtheextrachore.Shefelttheheatinherneckandthe

trembleinherhandsassheswashingthedishes(escalationphase).

Feelinglikeshecantkeepittoherselfanylonger,shestormeduptheroomtoconfront

herkids.

In

araised

voice,

she

asked

them

how

difficult

could

it

be

to

wash

the

dishes.

Shetoldthemthattheyaregettingpunishedfortheirlackofresponsibility(crisis

phase).

Havinggottenthewordsout,shefeltcalmer,andherheartbeatslowlyreturnedto

normal.Shesawthatherkidsarebusywithhomeworkwhenshehadinterruptedthem.

Shewasalsobetterabletoheartheirreasoning,astheyapologized(recoveryphase).

Josephineregrettedyellingatherchildrenandtoldthemthatshessimplytiredandits

nottheirfault(depressionphase).

NOTE:Howlongeachphaselastsdifferfrompersontoperson.Somepeoplealsoskip

certainphases,orelsetheygothroughthemprivatelyand/orunconsciously.


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UnderstandingFightorFlight

TheFightorFlighttheory,formulatedbyWalterCannon,describeshowpeoplereactto

perceivedthreat.Basically,whenfacedwithsomethingthatcanharmus,weeither

aggress(fight)

or

withdraw

(flight).

It

is

believed

that

this

reaction

is

an

ingrained

instinctgearedtowardssurvival.

Thefightorflightinstinctismanifestedinbodilyways.Whenfacedwithathreat,our

bodyreleasesthehormonesadrenaline,noradrenalineandcortisol.Thesechemicalsare

designedtotakeustoastateofalertnessandaction. Theyresultinincreasedenergy,

heartrate,sloweddigestion,andabovenormalstrength.

Understandingthefightorflightinstinctcanhelpusunderstandthedynamicsofour

anger

response.

The

following

are

some

of

the

implications

of

the

fight

and

flight

theory

onangermanagement:

First,thetheoryunderscoreshowangerisbutanaturalresponse.Thereisnomorality

toanger.Angerisaresultofperceivedharmtoself,whetherphysicaloremotional.

Second,thistheoryremindsusoftheneedtostayincontrol.Whenweareangry,our

rationalselfgetsoverriddenbyabasicsurvivalinstinct. Theresaneedtoact

immediately.Thisinstinctcanthenresultinaggressiveness,overreactivityand

hypervigilance,whichareallcontrarytorationalanddeliberateresponse. Conscious

efforttowardsselfawarenessandcontrolisneededsothatthisinstinctdoesnot

overpowerus.


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CommonMythsaboutAnger

Herearefivecommonmythsaboutanger:

1.Angerisabademotion.

Thereisnosuchthingasagoodorbademotion;theyareinstinctualreactionsandwe

dontmakeconsciousdecisionsforthemtocome.Infact,someangerreactionsare

appropriate,suchastheangeragainstdiscrimination,injusticeandabuse.Whatcanbe

judgedaspositiveornegative/healthyorunhealthyishowwereacttoanger.

2.Angerneedstobeunleashedforittogoaway.

Itstruethatangerneedstobeexpressedinorderforsymptomstoberelieved.

However,expressingangerinverballyorphysicallyaggressivewaysarenottheonlyway

tounleash

anger.

Nor

is

anger

an

excuse

for

aperson

to

be

aggressive.

The

expression

ofangercanbetemperedbyrationalityandforethought.

Notethatventingangerdoesnotnecessarilyresultsintotheangerdisappearing,

althoughventingcanrelievethesymptoms.Attimes,processingpersonalexperiences,

seeingconcretechangeandgenuineforgivenessareneededforangertogoaway.

3.Ignoringangerwillmakeitgoaway.

Generally,allkindsofemotionsdonotdisappearwhenignored.Theangerjustgets

temporarilyshelved,andwilllikelyfindotherwaysofgettingexpressed.Itcanget

projectedtoanotherperson,transformedintoaphysicalsymptom,orbuiltupfora

biggerfutureblowup. Someofourbehaviorsmayevenbeunconsciouswaysof

expressinganger.

Whiletherearesituationswhenitsinadvisabletoexpressyourangerimmediately,the

veryleastyoucandoisacknowledgethatitexists.

4.Youcantcontrolyouranger.

Thismythisrelatedtothesecondone.Asdiscussedearlier,thefightandflightinstinct

canmakeangeranoverwhelmingemotion.However,thisinstinctdoesnotmeanthat

yourebutaslavetoyourimpulses.Awarenessofangerdynamicsandaconsciouseffort

toriseaboveyourangercanhelpyouregaincontrolofyourreactions.


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5.IfIdontgetangry,peoplewillthinkIamapushover.

Itstruethatapersoncanlosecredibilityishemakesrulesandthenignoresviolations.

However,angerisnottheonlywayapersoncanshowthatthereareconsequencesto

violations.Infact,themosteffectivewayofinstillingdisciplineinothersistohavea

calm,nonemotionalapproachtodealingwithrulebreakers.Calmandrationalitycan

communicatestrengthtoo.


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ModuleThree:DosandDonts

Nowthatweveestablishedthatangerisanatural,unavoidableandinstinctualreaction,

letslookathowwecanrespondtoangerappropriately.Inthismodule,wewilldiscuss

thedosanddontsinrespondingtoanger.

Howmuchmoregrievousarethe

consequencesofangerthanthecausesof

it.

MarcusAurelius


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UnhelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger

Thefollowingareunhelpfulwaysofdealingwithanger:

1. DONTignore

the

anger.

Somepeoplerespondtoangerbynotadmitting,

eventothemselves,thattheyareangry.Defense

mechanismsoftenusedtoignoreangerinclude

laughinganissueoff,distractingonesselffromtheproblem,andtrivializingthe

triggersimpact.

2. DONTkeeptheangerinside.

Thereare

people

who

do

recognize

that

theyre

angry.

However,

they

choose

to

obsessabouttheirangerinsilenceratherthanexpressit.Theycanbeargrudges

foralongtime.Peoplelikethis,alsocalledstuffers,aremorelikelytodevelop

hypertensioncomparedtoothers.Theyarealsolikelytojustexplodeoneday,

oncetheangerhasbuilttothepointthattheycantkeepitinsideanymore.

3. DONTgetaggressive.

Therighttoventyourangerdoesntextendtodoingitinwaysthatcanhurt

others,hurt

yourself

and

damage

property.

Aggression

can

be

verbal

or

physical.

4. DONTgetpassiveaggressive.

Passiveaggressivenessreferstoindirectandunderhandedmeanstogetbackat

thepersonwhomadeyouangry.Examplesofpassiveaggressivebehaviorsare

gossiping,tardinessandbackbiting.

5. DONTusenonconstructivecommunicationstyles.

Avoid

the

use

of

indirect

attacks

and

unproductive

statements.

These

include

blaming,labeling,preaching,moralizing,ordering,warning,interrogating,

ridiculingandlecturing.


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HelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger

Thefollowingarehelpfulwaysindealingwithanger:

1. DOacknowledgethatyouareangry.

Itisimportantthatyouknowhowtorecognizethatyouareangry,andgive

yourselfpermissiontofeelit.ThiscanbeassimpleassayingtoyourselfIam

angry.Remember,youcantcontrolsomethingyoudontadmitexists!

2. DOcalmyourselfbeforeyousayanything.

Inthepreviousdiscussions,wesawhowthereisabiologicalreasonwhyanger

can

feel

overwhelming

our

body

is

engaged

in

a

fight

or

flight

response.

It

helpsthentodeferanyreactionsuntilyouhavereachedthereturntonormal/

adaptivephaseoftheangercycle.Otherwise,youmightendupsayingordoing

somethingthatyoudlaterregret.Count1to10!

3. DOspeakup,whensomethingisimportanttoyou.

Thisistheoppositetokeepingitallin.Ifamatterisimportanttoyou,somuch

sothatkeepingsilentwouldjustresultinphysicalandmentalsymptoms,thenlet

itout.Ifitsnotpossibletospeaktothepersonconcerned,atleastlookfora

trustedfriendoramentalhealthprofessional.

4. DOexplainhowyourefeelinginamannerthatshowsownershipand

responsibilityforyouranger.

Takeownershipandresponsibilityforyourfeelings.Thismakestheangerwithin

yourcontrol(youcantcontrolotherpeople).Onewaytotakeownershipand

responsibilityforyourangeristhroughtheuseofImessages,whichwouldbe

discussedinalatermodule.


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ModuleFour:GainingControl

Angerisinstinctual,yes.Itisanemotionthatcomesunbiddenandweoftendonthave

achoicewhetherwewouldbeangryornot.Whatwecandohowever,istakecontrolof

ourangerwhenitcomes.Inthismodule,wewilldiscusswaystogaincontroloverour

anger.

Specificallywewilldiscussrecognizingwarningsigns,copingthoughts,relaxation

techniquesandwaystoblowoffsteam.

Anyonewhoangersyou,conquersyou.

Anonymous


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AWordofWarning

Thefirststepingainingcontrolofangeristorecognizeitswarningsigns.

Youhavetobeawareofsymptomsthatyoureangerisabouttobuildup,

sothatyoucancatchyourselfearlyandmakethenecessaryintervention.

Thisprocess

involves

taking

yourself

from

the

moment

and

observing

your

own

reactionsfromathirdpersonpointofview.

Warningsignsofangerexistsinarange.Someareveryobvious;othersverysubtle.

Theydifferfrompersontoperson.Signsofangercanbephysical,mental,emotional

andbehavioral.

Physicalsignsofangerinclude:

rapidheartrate

difficultybreathing

headache

stomachache

sweating

feelinghotinthefaceandneck

shaking

Mentalsignsofangerinclude:

difficultyconcentrating

obsessingonthesituation

thinkingvengefulthoughts

cynicism

Emotionalsignsofangerinclude:

sadness

irritability

guilt

resentment

feelinglikeyouneedtohurtsomeone

needingtobealone

needingtoisolateonesself

numbness


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Behavioralsignsofangerinclude:

clenchingoffist

poundingoffistonawall/tableoranysurface

pacing

raisingones

voice

anyactofaggression/passiveaggression

UsingCopingThoughts

Onceyourealizethatyouareangry,orthatyoureabouttogetangry,youcanstart

calmingyourselfmentally. Thefollowingarejustafewmentalscriptsyoucanuseto

keepyourangerundercontrol.

1. Calmdown

first,

and

think

this

through.

2. Thismaynotbeasbadasitseems

3. Thisisjustoneincident itdoesntdefinemylife.

4. Iamcapableofmanagingthissituation.

5. Itsalrighttobeupset./Ihavetherighttobeupsetinthis

situation./Iamangry.

6. Whatneedstobedoneimmediately?(gointodamagecontrol/solutionfocused

mode).

7. Badthings/Mistakesdohappen./Nothingssaysthatthingswillgorightallthe

time.

8. Thereisnoneedtofeelthreatenedhere.

9. Ihavenocontroloverotherpeopleandtheirfeelings.ButIhavecontrolover

myself.

10.IhavemanagedangersuccessfullybeforeandIwillagain.


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UsingRelaxationTechniques

Anotherwaytohelpyoucontrolyourangeristointentionallyinduceyourselftoastate

ofcalm.Thiscanhelpespeciallyinaddressingthephysicalsymptomsofanger.

Relaxationtechniquesthatyoucandoinclude:

1. BreathingExercises

Deliberatelycontrollingyourbreathingcanhelpapersoncalmdown.Waystodo

thisinclude:breathingthroughonesnoseandexhalingthroughonesmouth,

breathingfromonesdiagram,andbreathingrhythmically.

2. Meditation

Meditationisawayofexercisingmentaldiscipline.Mostmeditationtechniques

involveincreasingselfawareness,monitoringthoughts,andfocusing.

Meditationtechniquesincludeprayer,therepetitionofamantra,andrelaxing

movementorpostures.

3. ProgressiveMuscleRelaxation(PMR)

PMRisatechniqueofstressmanagementthatinvolvesmentallyinducingyour

musclestotenseandrelax.PMRusuallyfocusesonareasofthebodywhere

tensioniscommonlyfelt,suchasthehead,shouldersandchestarea.Itsaway

toexercisethepowerofthemindoverthebody.

4. Visualization

Visualizationistheuseofmentalimagerytoinducerelaxation.Some

visualizationexerciseinvolvespicturingaplaceofserenityandcomfort,suchasa

beachor

agarden.

Other

visualization

exercises

involve

imagining

the

release

of

angerinametaphoricalform.Anexampleofthislatterkindofvisualizationis

imaginingonesangerasaballtobereleasedtospace.

5. Music

Somepeoplefindlisteningtomusicasveryrelaxing.Thekindofmusicthats


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calmingdiffersfrompersontoperson;traditionalrelaxationmusicincludes

classicalpieces,acousticsoundsandevenambientnoises.

6. ArtandCrafts

Therearepeoplewhofindworkingwiththeirhandsasagoodwaytorelax.This

isespecially

true

for

people

who

feel

their

tensions

in

their

hands.

Drawing

pictures,paperconstructionandsculptingarejustsomeofthewaystodestress

whenfacedwithanangertrigger.Artsandcraftsarehelpfulbecauseitkeepsa

personfromobsessingontheangerwhileheorsheisstillintherecoveryphase

oftheangercycle.


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BlowingOffSomeSteam

Anotherwayofcontrollingyourangerisbygettingtheangerenergyout blowingoff

steam.Thesetechniquesareespeciallyhelpfulwhenyouareinthecrisisphaseofthe

angercycle.

Thefollowingaresomeconstructivewaysofblowingoffsteam:

1. Screaming

Iftheplacewouldallowit,screamingcanhelpreleasethetensionsandfrustrations

thatcomewithanger. Thinkofthethingthatangersyouthemost,build

momentum,andletitoutinonebigshout.Youmayalsoscreamoutthewordsyou

wishyoucouldsayifthevenueisappropriate.Thelouderthescream,thebetter.

2. PhysicalActivity

Manypeoplefindexercise,sports,dancingandevenjustpacingabout,aseffective

waystoventanger.Thismakessense;ifthefightandflightresponsegearsaperson

forphysicalaction,thenphysicalactionmightindeedbethebestwaytodealwith

theanger.Physicalactivityisalsobelievedtoreleaseendorphins,ournaturalmood

regulators.


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3. PillowPunching

Theneedtofightbackmaybechanneledthroughpunchingpillows. Pillowsprovide

asafewaytoreleasetensions;itssafenotjustfortheobjectoftheangerbutalso

foronesself.Relatedtechniquesincludewringingouttowelsandbreakingold

plates.

4. Writing

Ifphysicalactivitiesarenotyourthing,youcanblowoffsteambyexpressingyour

thoughtsandfeelingsinwriting.Youcanwriteinanunstructuredway,simply

puttingonpaperthefirstthingthatcomestoyourmind.Youcanalsobemore

creativeaboutit,andchannelyourangerthroughpoetryorsong.

5. Singing

Heresanewone:ventyourangerbygoingtoyournearestvideokeorkaraokebar.

Manypeoplefindsingingtherapeutic,especiallyifthesonglyricsandmelody

matchesonesmood.


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ModuleFive:SeparatethePeoplefromtheProblem

Angerisnotjustpersonal.Itcanberelationalaswell.Whenmanagingangerthat

involvesotherpeople,ithelpstohaveaproblemorienteddisposition,settingpersonal

mattersaside.Thiswaytheissuebecomesanobjectiveandworkableissue.

Inthis

module,

we

will

discuss

ways

to

separate

people

from

the

problem.

Specifically,

wewilldiscussthedifferencebetweenobjectiveandsubjectivelanguage,waysto

identifytheproblem,andhowtouseImessages.

Itiswisetodirectyourangertowards

problems--- notpeople;tofocusyour

energiesonanswers--- notexcuses.

WilliamArthur

Ward


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Objectivevs.SubjectiveLanguage

Onewaytomakesurethatadiscussionremainsconstructive

istouseobjectiveratherthansubjectivelanguage.

Objectivelanguage

involves

stating

your

position

using

referencepointsthatareobservable,factualandfreefrom

personalprejudices.Objectivereferencesdonotchangefrom

persontoperson.

Thisistheoppositeofsubjectivelanguage,whichisvague,biasedand/oremotional.

Youareusingsubjectivelanguagewhenyouarestatinganopinion,assumption,belief,

judgmentorrumor.

Theuse

of

objective

language

keeps

the

discussion

on

neutral

ground.

Its

less

threateningtoapersonsselfesteemandthereforekeepspeoplefrombeinginthe

defensive.Moreimportantly,objectivelanguagecanbedisputedandconfirmed,which

ensuresthatthediscussioncangotowardsasolution.

Herearesomeguidelinesintheuseofobjectivevs.subjectivelanguage:

1. Statebehaviorsinsteadofpersonalitytraits.

Subjective:Youreaninconsideratesupervisor.

Objective:Youapprovedtherulewithoutconsultingwithusfirst.

2. Avoidvaguereferencestofrequency.Instead,usetheactualnumbers.

Subjective:Youarealwayslate!

Objective:Youwerelateformeetingsfourtimesinthepastmonth.

3. Clarifytermsthatcanmeandifferentlytodifferentpeople.

Subjective:You

practice

favoritism

when

you

give

promotions.

Objective:Theemployeerankingsystemisnotbeingfollowedduring

promotions.


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4. Dontpresumeanotherpersonsthoughts,feelingsandintentions.

Subjective:Youhateme!

Objective:Youdonottalktomewhenweareinaroomtogether.

5. Dontpresumeanactionyoudidnotseeorheard.

Subjective:Shestolemywallet.

Objective:ThewalletwasinmydeskwhenIleft.ItwasnolongertherewhenI

cameback,andshewastheonlypersonwhoenteredtheroom.


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IdentifyingtheProblem

Youcantseparatepeoplefromtheproblemifyoudontknowwhattheproblemis.A

goodwaytomoveforward,inadiscussionwhereangerisescalating,isthrough

identifyingtheproblem.

Identifyingtheproblemfocusesallenergyonthecrisisathandratherthanthepersons

involvedinaconflict.Thetwopartiesfocustheirenergiesonacommonenemythatis

outsideofthemselves,amovethatputsthetwoopposingpartiesbackinneutral

ground.

Therearemanyprocessesyoucanusetoidentifytheproblem.Hereisoneofthem:

STEPONE: Getasmuchinformationasyoucanwhytheotherpartyisupset.

STEPTWO:

Surface

the

other

persons

position.

Reframe

this

position

into

aproblem

statement.Example:Icanhearhowupsetyouare.AmIrightinperceivingthatthe

problemforyouisthatyouwerentinformedoftheaccountbeingsold?

STEPTHREE:Reviewyourownposition.Stateyourpositioninaproblemstatementas

well.Example:TheproblemformeisthatIdonthavetheresourcestocontactyou.The

phonelinesarenotworkingbecauseofthestorm.

STEPFOUR:Havingheardbothpositions,definetheprobleminamutuallyacceptable

way.Example:Ihearthatyoudliketobeinformedofanysales.Onmypart,Idliketo

inform

you,

but

for

as

long

as

the

phone

lines

are

dead,

I

cant

see

how

I

would

do

it.

I

thinktheissuehereisaboutfindinganalternativewaytogettheinformationtoyouon

timewhilethephonesarebeingrepaired.Doyouagree?

Ifthetwopartiesagreetotheproblemstatement,theycannowbothworkatthe

surfacedproblemandtakethefocusawayfromtheiremotions.


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Page25

UsingIMessages

AnImessageisamessagethatisfocusedonthespeaker.When

youuseImessages,youtakeresponsibilityforyourownfeelings

insteadofaccusingtheotherpersonofmakingyoufeelacertain

way.The

opposite

of

an

Imessage

is

aYou

message.

AnImessageiscomposedofthefollowing:

1.Adescriptionoftheproblemorissue.

Describethepersonsbehavioryouarereactingtoinanobjective,

nonblameful,andnonjudgmentalmanner.

When...

2.Itseffectonyouryouortheorganization.

Describetheconcreteortangibleeffectsofthatbehavior.

Theeffectsare...

3.Asuggestionforalternativebehavior.

Idprefer...

Hereis

an

example

of

an

Imessage:

WhenIhavetowaitoutsidetheofficeanextrahourbecauseyoudidntinformmethat

youdbelate(problem/issue),Ibecomeagitated(effect).Ipreferforyoutosendmea

messageifyouwillnotbeabletomakeit(alternativebehavior).

ThemostimportantfeatureofImessagesisthattheyareneutral.Thereisnoeffortto

threaten,argue,orblameinthesestatements.Youavoidmakingtheotherperson

defensive,astheessenceofanImessageis"Ihaveaproblem"insteadof"Youhavea

problem".

The

speaker

simply

makes

statements

and

takes

full

responsibility

for

his/her

feelings.


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Page26

ModuleSix:WorkingontheProblem

Theescalationofangerinhotsituationscanbeeasilyprevented,ifasystemfor

discussing

contentious

issues

is

in

place.

In

this

module,

we

would

discuss

how

to

work

effectivelyontheproblem.Specifically,wewilltackleconstructivedisagreement,

negotiationtips,buildingconsensusandidentifyingsolutions.

Anyonecanbecomeangry---thatiseasy,

buttobeangrywiththerightperson,at

therighttime,andfortherightpurpose

andin

the

right

way

---that

is

not

within

everyonespowerandthatisnoteasy.

Aristotle


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Page27

UsingConstructiveDisagreement

Thereisnothingwrongwithdisagreement.Notwopeopleare

completelysimilarthereforeitsinevitablethattheywould

disagreeonatleastoneissue.Theresalsonothingwrongin

havingapositionanddefendingit.

Tomakethemostofadisagreement,youhavetokeepitconstructive.Thefollowingare

someoftheelementsofaconstructivedisagreement:

SOLUTIONFOCUS.Thedisagreementaimstofindaworkablecompromiseatthe

endofthediscussion.

MUTUALRESPECT.Evenifthetwopartiesdonotagreewithoneanother,courtesy

isalways

apriority.

WINWINSOLUTION. Constructivedisagreementisnotgearedtowardsgettingthe

oneupontheotherperson. Thepremiumisalwaysonfindingasolutionthat

hasbenefitsforbothparties.

REASONABLECONCESSIONS. Moreoftenthannot,awinwinsolutionmeansyou

wontgetyourwaycompletely.Somedegreeofsacrificeisnecessarytomeetthe

otherpersonhalfway.Inconstructivedisagreement,partiesareopentomaking

reasonable

concessions

for

the

negotiation

to

move

forward.

LEARNINGFOCUS.Partiesinconstructivedisagreementseeconflictsas

opportunitiestogetfeedbackonhowwellasystemworks,sothatnecessary

changescanbemade.Theyalsoseeitasachallengetobeflexibleandcreativein

comingupwithsolutionsforeveryonesgain.


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Page28

NegotiationTips

Negotiationsaresometimesanecessarypartofarrivingatasolution.

Whentwopartiesareinadisagreement,therehastobeaprocessthat

wouldsurfacesareasofbargaining.Whenapersonisgiventheopportunitytopresent

hisside

and

argue

for

his

or

her

interests,

anger

is

less

likely

to

escalate.

Thefollowingaresometipsonnegotiationduringaconflict:

1. Notesituationalfactorsthatcaninfluencethenegotiationprocess.

Contextisanimportantelementinthenegotiationprocess.Thelocationofthe

meeting,thephysicalarrangementofroom,aswellasthetimethemeetingis

heldcanpositivelyornegativelyinfluencetheparticipantsabilitytolistenand

discern.Forexample,negotiationsheldinanoisyauditoriumimmediatelyaftera

stressfuldaycanmakeparticipantsirritableandlesslikelytocompromise.

2. Prepare!

Beforeenteringanegotiatingtable,makeyourresearch.Stackuponfactsto

backupyourposition,andanticipatetheotherpartysposition. Havingtheright

informationcanmakethenegotiationprocessrunfasterandmoreefficiently.

3. Communicateclearlyandeffectively.

Makesurethatyoustateyourneedsandinterestsinawaythatisnotopento

misinterpretation.Speakinacalmandcontrolledmanner.Presentarguments

withoutpersonalization.Remember,yourpositioncanonlybeappreciatedifits

perceivedaccurately.

4. Focusontheprocessaswellasthecontent.

Itsimportantthatyoupayattentionnotjusttothewordsyouandtheother

partyaresaying,butalsothemannerthediscussionisrunning.Forexample,was

everyoneabletospeaktheirpositionadequately,oristhereanindividualwho

dominatestheconversation?Arethereimplicitorexplicitcoercionshappening?

Doestheotherpersonsnonverbalbehaviorshowopennessandobjectivity?All

thesethingsinfluenceresult,andyouwanttomakesurethatyouhavethemost

productivenegotiationprocessthatyoucan.

5. Keepan

open

mind.

Lastly,enteranegotiationsituationwithanopenmind.Bewillingtolistenand

carefullyconsiderwhattheotherpersonhastosay.Anticipatethepossibility

thatyoumayhavetochangeyourbeliefsandassumptions.Makeconcessions.


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Page29

BuildingConsensus

Consensusmeansunanimousagreementonanareaof

contention.Arrivingataconsensusistheidealresolutionof

bargaining.Ifbothpartiescanfindasolutionthatis

agreeableto

both

of

them,

then

anger

can

be

prevented

or

reduced.

Thefollowingaresometipsonhowtoarriveataconsensus:

1. Focusoninterestsratherthanpositions.

Surfacetheunderlyingvaluethatmakespeopletakethepositiontheydo.For

example,theinterestbehindarequestforasalaryincreasemaybefinancial

security.Ifyoucancommunicatetotheotherpartythatyouacknowledgethis

need,andwillonlyofferapositionthattakesfinancialsecurityinto

consideration,then

aconsensus

is

more

likely

to

happen.

2. Exploreoptionstogether.

Consensusismorelikelyifbothpartiesareactivelyinvolvedinthesolution

makingprocess.Thisensuresthatthereisincreasedcommunicationabouteach

partyspositions.Italsoensuresthatresistancesareaddressed.

3. Increasesameness/reducedifferentiation.

Aconsensusismorelikelyifyoucanemphasizeallthethingsthatyouandthe

otherparty

have

in

common,

and

minimize

all

the

things

that

make

you

different.

Anincreasedempathycanmakefindingcommoninterestseasier.Itmayalso

reducepsychologicalbarrierstocompromising.Anexampleofincreasing

sameness/reducingdifferencesisanemployerandemployeetemporarilysetting

asidetheirpositiondisparityandlookingattheproblemastwostakeholdersin

thesameorganization.


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Page30

IdentifyingSolutions

Workingonaprobleminvolvestheprocessofcomingupwith

possiblesolutions.Thefollowingaresomewaystwopartiesin

disagreementcanidentifysolutionstotheirproblem.

BRAINSTORM.Brainstormingistheprocessofcomingupwith

asmanyideasasyoucanintheshortesttimepossible.Itmakesuseofdiversity

ofpersonalitiesinagroup,sothatonecancomeupwiththewidestrangeof

freshideas.Quantityofideasismoreimportantthanqualityofideasinthe

initialstageofbrainstorming;youcanfilteroutthebadoneslateronwithanin

depthreviewoftheirprosandcons.

HYPOTHESIZE.Hypothesizingmeanscomingupwithwhatifscenariosbasedon

intelligentguesses.

A

solution

can

be

made

from

imagining

alternative

set

ups,

andstudyingthesealternativesetupsagainstfactsandknowndata.

ADOPTAMODEL.Youmayalsolookforasolutioninthepast.Ifasolutionhas

workedbefore,perhapsitmayworkagain.Findsimilarproblemsandstudy

howitwashandled.Youdonthavetofollowamodeltotheletter;youare

alwaysfreetotweakittofitthenuancesofthecurrentproblem.

INVENTOPTIONS.Iftherehasbeennoprecedenceforaproblem,itstimeto

exerciseones

creativity

and

think

of

new

options.

A

way

to

go

about

this

is

to

listdowneachpartysinterestsandcomeupproposedsolutionsthathave

benefitsforeachparty.

SURVEY.Ifthetwopartiescantcomeupwithasolutionbetweenthetwoof

them,maybeitstimetoseekotherpeoplespointofview.Surveypeoplewith

interestorbackgroundintheissueincontention.Findanexpertispossible.Just

rememberthough,attheendofthedaythedecisionisstillyours.Identifya

solutionbasedonfacts,notonsomeonesopinion.


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Page31

ModuleSeven:SolvingtheProblem

Afteraconstructivediscussionoftheproblem,aswellasreviewofavailableoptions,its

nowtimetogoaboutsolvingtheproblem.Solvingaproblemlessensitsthreataspect,

makinglessanangertrigger. Inthismodule,wewilldiscusselementsofsolvingthe

problem.Particularly,wewoulddiscusschoosingasolution,makingaplan,andgetting

itdone.

Angerisnotbad.Angercanbeavery

positivething,thethingthatmovesus

beyondtheacceptanceofevil.

JoanChittister


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Page32

ChoosingaSolution

Youvealreadyidentifiedpossiblesolutionstoaproblem.

Thenextthingtodoishowtonarrowthelistdowntothe

best.

Thefollowingaresomecriteriayoucanusewhenchoosing

solutions.

COSTSANDBENEFITS.Anidealsolutionisonethathastheleastcostsandmost

benefits.

DISAGREEINGPARTIESINTERESTS.Anidealsolutionhasfactoredintheimpactonall

partiesconcernedandhasmadeadjustmentsaccordingly.

FORESIGHT.An

ideal

solution

doesnt

have

just

short

term

gains

bit

long

term

ones

aswell.

OBSTACLES.Anidealsolutionhasanticipatedallpossibleobstaclesinits

implementationandhasmadeplansaccordingly.

VALUES.Anidealsolutionisonethatisconsistentwiththemissionvisionofthe

organizationand/oritsindividualmembers.


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Page33

MakingaPlan

Youvealreadypickedasolutionforyourproblem.Nowitstime

tocreateaplanforitsimplementation.

Thefollowing

are

some

guidelines

when

making

aplan.

1. Keepyourgoal(s)centraltoyouplan.

Everysolutionhasagoal.Thegoalisthespecificandmeasurablechangethatyou

wanttoachievebyimplementingyoursolution.Whenyoumakeplan,makesure

thatallthestepsandprocessesyououtlinearemovingtowardsthisgoal.

2. Breakdownyouractionplanintoconcretesteps.

A

good

plan

is

concrete

instead

of

abstract,

specific

instead

of

generic.

Think

of

thedifferentstepsthatyouneedtodoinordertogettoyourultimategoaland

planalongthosemilestones.Notethedeliverablepermilestone. Indicatethe

timelineforeachmilestone.Identifythepeopleresponsibleforeachtask.

3. Notealltheresourcesyouwouldneed.

Therearetwokindsofresources:humanandmaterial.Makealistofallhuman

andmaterialresourcesthatyouneedtoexecutetheaction,andmakesurethat

theyareallavailable.Iftheyarenotavailable,addanextraactionplantoprocure

them.Youwanttomakesurethatyourplanisrealisticgivenyourresources.

4. Planhowthesolutionwouldbeevaluated.

Agoodplandoesntjustincludethestepstoexecutetheprogram.Itshouldalso

includemechanismsformonitoringprogressandevaluatingresults.An

evaluationplanensuresthatneedsforplanrevisioncanbesurfaced.


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Page34

GettingitDone

Anissueincontentionwillremainahotissueunlesstheplanisimplemented.Itisonly

whenconcretechangecanbeobservedthatangercanbeseriouslyaddressed.

Thefollowing

are

some

tips

in

implementing

asolution.

1. Sticktoyourplan.

Notethewhat,where,whenandthewhoofyourplanandfollowittotheletter.

Thiswillkeepyourendofthebargainexplicitandeasytomonitorandevaluate.

Deviatingfromtheplancanresulttoadditionalanger,especiallyifyoudeviatedin

areasimportanttotheotherparty.

2. Monitorprogressandresults.

Keeptrackofwhetherornotyoursolutionisaccomplishingthegoal. Makesurethat

youputeverythingonpaperforreadyreferencelater.Logdownbestpractices,risks

andobstaclesencountered.

3. Rewardandreviseaccordingly.

Ifthesolutionisworking,noteprogressandaffirmthesuccess.Thisgivesthetwo

partiesasenseofaccomplishment.Moreso,thenexttimetheyhaveaconflict,it

canserveastestamenttotheirabilitytosolveaproblem.

Ifthesolutionisnotworking,gatherfeedback.Surfacethereasonwhythesolution

doesnotseemtobeworking.Makethenecessarychangessothatyoucanrevisethe

planasneeded.


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Page35

ModuleEight:APersonalPlan

Angerisdeeplypersonal.Effectiveangermanagementshouldtakeintoconsideration

individual angerdynamicsandtailorfitinterventionstothem.Inthismodulewewill

discusswhathotbuttonsare,howtoidentifyyourpersonalhotbuttons,andhowyou

canbe

benefitted

by

keeping

apersonal

anger

log.

Everyonehasahotbutton.Whoispushing

yours?Whileyouprobablycannotcontrol

thatperson,youCANcontrolthewayyou

reactto

them.

Unknown


39/59

Page36

UnderstandingHotButtons

Hotbuttonsaretriggersthatmakeusreactwithanger.Theyare

notnecessarilytherealcauseofouranger,buttheycanbetheone

thatlightsthefuse.Triggersvaryintheintensityoftheanger

reactionthey

can

evoke;

some

can

evoke

uncontrollable

rage

while

others

merely

mild

irritation.

Hotbuttonscanbethingsthatfallshortofyourexpectations,blockyourgoals,attack

yourselfesteem,violateyourvalues,and/orgiveyouafeelingoflossorhelplessness.

Ahotbuttonisusuallyonethatelicitsanintensereactioninaperson,ortheonethat

frequentlysparksanger.

Thesehotbuttonscanbe:

a. somethingweobserve(e.g.injusticeshappeningtootherpeople)

b. somethingwethink(e.g.thethinkingthatwearealwaysthetargetofa

particularpersonsmockery)

c. somethingwefeel(e.g.thefeelingofbeinghelpless)

d. somethingwedo(e.g.rescuingsomeoneinajameveniftheydont

deserveourhelp)

e. anycombinationofthefour

IdentifyingYourHotButtons

Hotbuttonsdifferfrompersontoperson.Ourpersonalhistoriesinfluencewhatwould

makeusangry.Sometriggersarecausedbyconditioning,modelingandunresolved

issues.

Akeytoseeingifahotbuttonistherealcauseoftheanger,orjustatrigger,istoseeif

youranger

reaction

is

proportionate

to

what

the

situation

calls

for.

If

youre

angrier

thanyoushouldbe,perhapsthereisanunderlyingemotionalissuethatneedstobe

surfaced.

Awarenessofyourhotbuttonsisalreadywinninghalfthebattleagainstanger.Ifyou

knowwhatcanevokeyouranger,youcanwatchoutforthem.


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Page37

APersonalAngerLog

Moreoftenthannot,angerreactionsappearinpatterns.This

meansthatthereisapredictablestructurethattheanger

reactionsfollow.Thispatternisuniquetoeachindividual.

Unfortunately,itisdifficulttonoticethispatternunlessyoutakethatthirdpersonpoint

ofviewandstudyyourangerreactionsfromadistance.

Hereiswherekeepingapersonalangerlogwouldhelp.Apersonalangerlogisadiaryof

angerreactionsincludingsymptoms,triggersandcopingstyles.Itisawayofincreasing

awarenessofangerpatternsuniquetotheindividual.Withawareness,onecanbetter

identifywaystopreventandcopewithangerwhenitcomes.

Keepingapersonal

anger

log

is

also

agood

way

to

blow

off

steam.

You

may

treat

is

as

adiary.Insteadofastructuredtable,astheonethatwillbepresentedlater,youcan

makeanunstructuredonetonoteyourfreefloatingideasandfeelings.

Hereisasampletemplateforapersonalangerlog:

MYPERSONALANGERLOGFORWEEK1

Beforetheanger,thesearewhatIwasDate/

Time

Symptoms

seeing thinking feeling doing

My

Response

tothe

Anger

Effectof

myAnger

Response

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Insights


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Page38

ModuleNine:TheTripleAApproach

Angerisexacerbatedbyafeelingofvictimizationandhelplessness.Ithelpstoknow

thenthatwealwayshaveatleastthreeoptionswhendealingwithanangerprovoking

situation:youcanalter,avoidoraccept.

Inthelongrun,weshapeourlives,andwe

shapeourselves.Theprocessneverends

untilwedie.Andthechoiceswemakeare

ultimatelyour

own

responsibility.

EleanorRoosevelt


42/59

Page39

Alter

Youarenotavictimofyoursituation;youalwayshavethe

optionoftakingadeliberateandwellthoughtoutresponse

toanangerprovokingsituation.Youroptionstypicallyfall

intothree

categories:

alter,

avoid

or

accept.

Altermeansthatyouinitiatechange.Youcanchangethings

inyourenvironmentthatarewithinyourcontrol.Youcan

alsoinitiatechangeswithinyourself.

Thefollowingarewaysthatyoucanchangetodealwithangermoreeffectively.

1. Changenonproductivehabits.

Ifyouknowthatyouhaveaparticularwayofdoingthingsthatoftenresult

intoan

anger

situation,

perhaps

its

time

to

break

the

pattern.

For

example,

ifyouknowthatmediatingafamilyquarrelwhileyourmindistiredfromwork

oftenleadstoblowups,thenreschedulefamilymeetingstotimeswhen

youremorerelaxed.

2. Respectfullyaskotherstochangetheirbehaviorandbewillingtodothe

same.

Youcantcontrolotherpeoplesthoughts,feelingsandbehavior.Youcan,

however,letthemknowthatyoudappreciateachange.Waitingforlightning

tostrikepeoplewithhabitsthatirritateyouwillnevergetyouanywhere,

perhapsproactive

communication

can.

3. Changethewayyouviewasituation.

Sometimes,itsourinterpretationofasituationthatmakesusangry,rather

thanthesituationitself.Whatyoucandoischangeyourwayofthinking.For

example,irrationalthoughtslikeIhavetobeperfectatalltimesusually

resultinangerdirectedatonesselfwhenfailureshappen.Maybeifyoustart

thinkingItsalrighttofailnowandthen,thingswouldgeteasier.

4.

Change

the

way

you

react

to

a

situation.

Youcanalsodeliberatelychangethewayyourespond.Angerusuallybegets

anger;weraiseourvoicewhensomeoneraisestheirvoicetous.Butifyou

takeamomentandfindotherwaystorespond,thenmaybeyoucanmanage

yourangerbetter.


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Page40

Avoid

Avoidmeanssteeringclearofsituationsthatcanmakeyouangry.

Thefollowingareavoidwaysthatyoucandotodealwithangermoreeffectively.

1. Steerclear

of

people

who

make

you

upset.

Angerisoftentriggeredbyinteractionswithdifficultpeople,orpeoplewho

justrubyouthewrongway.Ifyouknowthatapersoniselicitinganintense

angerreactioninyou,andyoufeelthatyoucantcontrolit,thenperhapsits

bestthatyoujusttakeactiontoavoidthisindividual.

2. Steerclearofyourhotbuttons.

Oneoftheadvantagesofknowingyourhotbuttonsisthatitenablesyouto

structureyourdayinsuchawaythatavoidsthem.Forexample,iftoomany

deadlinesmake

you

angry

and

stressed,

then

learn

time

management

or

donttakemoreprojectsthanyoucanhandle.Sayingnoisagoodavoid

response.

3. Removeyourselffromastressfulsituationimmediately.

Anotheravoidinterventionsisimmediatelytakingyourselfawayfroma

situationthatmightescalateyouranger.Forexample,ifapeerprovokesyour

anger,youdonthavetostayaroundtolistentowhathehastostay.Youcan

opttowalkawayandaddresstheissueanotherday.


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Page41

Accept

Unfortunately,therearesomethingsthatwecannotchangenoravoid.Inthiscase,we

haveto

accept

them.

This

is

true

in

many

things

that

involve

unrecoverable

losses,

like

anaccidentorfinancialcollapse.

Thefollowingareexamplesofacceptresponsestodealingwithanger:

1. Findlearning.

Whenyouhavenochoicebuttoacceptasituation,makethemostofitby

distillingthelessonsfromtheexperience.Thiswayyoucanrecovercontrolby

makingproactivechangestopreventthesituationfromhappeningagain.

2. Seekhigher

purpose.

Findingmeaningcanhelpinmanaginganger.Interpretingasituationbasedon

onesfaithlife,orpersonalphilosophy,canlessenitsthreateningimpactonthe

self.Forinstance,therearepeoplewhothinkthateverynegativeexperienceis

anopportunity,acallforchange.

3. Venttoafriend.

Ifyoucantdoanythingbutacceptasituation,attheveryleastfindsomeoneto

shareyourexperiencewith.Ventingwithatrustedfriendoramentalhealth

professionalcan

help

you

integrate

the

experience

better

in

your

life.

This

can

helpyoumoveonfasterandmoreeffectively.


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Page42

ModuleTen:DealingwithAngryPeople

Itisnotjustourownangerthatcangetoverwhelming.Anotherpersonsblowupcan

alsotrigger

intense

reactions

in

us,

including

shock,

fear

and

even

reactive

rage.

In

this

modulewewilldiscusshowwecaneffectivedealwithangrypeople.Specificallywewill

talkabouttheEnergyCurve,deescalationtechniques,andguidelinesonwhentoback

awayandwhattodo.

Hewhoangersyou,conquersyou.

ElizabethKenny


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Page43

RATIONALBEHAVIOR

TakeOff

SlowDown

CoolDown

OfferSupportive

Messagesat

this

Point!

THEENERGY

CURVE

ProblemSolvingisPossible.

UnderstandingtheEnergyCurve

Oneofthetrickythingsabouthandlinganotherpersonsangerisreactinginawaythat

willnotescalatetheanger.ThisiswhereanunderstandingoftheEnergyCurvecanhelp.

TheEnergy

Curve

shows

the

pattern

commonly

found

in

angry

reactions.

It

shows

how

angryreactionsprogressinstages,andineachstagethereareappropriateresponses.

BelowisanillustrationoftheEnergyCurve:

HerearesomekeypointstonoteabouttheEnergyCurve:

1. RATIONALBEHAVIOR.Thebaselineofthecurveisrationalbehavior.Thisisthe

stagewhenareasonablediscussionaboutthecauseoftheangercanhappen.

Beforeanangryreaction,apersonissaidtobeinthatrationalframeofmind.

However,oncetheangryreactiontakesroot,peoplegointoastateofmindnot

conducivetoreasoning.Itisimportantthentogetthepersonbacktoarational

frameofmind.

IMPLICATION:Youcannotreasonwithapersonduringthesetimes:whentheir

angeristakingoff,attheheightoftheiranger/rageandevenatthepointwhen

theyarecoolingdown!Youlljustwasteaperfectlygoodargument.

2. TAKEOFF.Angryreactionslowlybuildsmomentum,andthepointwhenthe

angerisgainingenergyiscalledthetakeoffstage.Thewayangerbuildsin


47/59

Page44

intensitydiffersfrompersontoperson.Forexample,somepeoplestartwith

hostilefacialreactions,whichprogressestoshouting,andwhichprogressesto

hittingthetable. Otherpeoplebuildupangerinlessobviousways,theystart

withkeepingquietandthenprogressestophysicallywithdrawingthemselves

fromotherpeople.Theangerwouldcontinuetobuildenergyuntilitreachesits

peak.

IMPLICATION:Angernaturallybuildsenergyduringthetakeoffphase.Arguing

backatthispoint infact,anyconversation! wouldjustbefutile.Dontreact!

Respond.

3. SLOWDOWN.Inthisstageisthemostintenseofthepersonsreaction.Itisa

turningpoint;thereactionstopsgainingmomentumandbeginsasteadydecline.

4. COOLDOWN.Oncetheangryreactionhasreacheditsheight,itwillstartto

subside.You

can

tell

by

observing

the

persons

behavior

often

their

voices

go

downtoaleveltone,theyarenotmovingtheirhandsasmuchandtheyseemto

breatheeasier.Unlessprovokedfurther,thepersonwillrunoutofsteam.

However,ifyoustartarguingtothepersonoragitatingthepersonevenduring

thisstage,thereactioncantakeoffonceagain.

IMPLICATION:Onlywhentheangryreactionhassloweddowncanyouintroduce

supportivebehavior.Supportivebehaviorcanbeanystatementthat

acknowledgestheanger,example:Icanseethatthisisanupsettingexperience

foryou.

5. BACKTORATIONALBEHAVIOR.Oncetheindividualhasreturnedtothisstage,

youcanbegintostarttalkingabouttheproblemreasonably.Youmayevenstart

problemsolvingatthispoint.

SUMMARY:Whenapersonisangry,justletthemvent!Itsthefastestwayto

dealwiththesituation.


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Page45

De-escalationTechniques

Deescalationtechniquesareskilledinterventionsdesignedto

facilitateapersonscoolingdownprocess,reducethepossibility

ofgettingverballyorphysicallyhurt,andgaincontrolofthe

situation.

Thefollowingareexamplesofdeescalationtechniques:

1.PRACTICEACTIVELISTENING.

Mostofthetime,allanangrypersonneedsisanopportunitytotellsomeonehowthey

feel,andhavetheirangeracknowledged.Seeingthatyouaregenuinelylisteningtotheir

grievancecanhelplessentheintensityoftheirangryreaction.

Thefollowing

are

some

helpful

components

of

active

listening:

a.Shownonverballythatyouarelistening.

Makesurethatyourpostureshowsopenness.Establisheyecontact.

Speakinasoft,wellmodulated,nonthreateningtoneofvoice.

b.Reflect.

Restatewhatyouhearfromtheperson.Example:ThisiswhatIheard

fromyou:

You

are

mad

because

the

package

did

not

arrive

on

time.

Youcanalsomirrorbacktheirbodylanguageinatentativebutobjective,

nonjudgmentalfashion.Example:Icanseethatyourereallyupset.You

areclaspingthedeskverytightly.

c.Clarify.

Helpthepersonmakesenseoftheirgarbled,confusingand/orillogical

statements.Couldyouhelpmeexplaintomeabitmoreaboutwhat

happenedin

the

cafeteria?

What

do

you

mean

by

he

bullied

you?

2.INCREASEPERSONALSPACE.

Angercanescalateifapersonfeelsthatheisbeingstifled.Makesureyourbody

languageisnonthreatening.Createdistancebetweenyouandtheperson.


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3.HELPTHEPERSONRECOVERASENSEOFCONTROL.

Angrypeoplemayfeelvictimizedbyasituation,andmayneedtorecoverevena

smallsenseofcontrol.Youcanhelpdothisby:

a.Giving

them

choices.

Example:Wouldyouliketomovetoadifferentareaandtalk?

b.Seekingtheirpermissiontospeak.

Example:MayItellwhatIthinkaboutwhatjusthappened?

c.Focusingonimmediatesolutions.

Example:Whatdoyouthinkwecandotodaytohelpsolvethisissue?

4.ORIENTTHEMTOIMMEDIACY.

Peopletemporarilylosestrackoftheirimmediatesurroundingsattheheightof

gettingoverwhelmed.Orientingthepersontothetime,hislocation,andwhohe

iswithcanhelpdeescalateaperson.Ithelpsapersonfeellessthreatenedifhe

knowswhereheisandhowhegotthere.Thegoalalsoistoshifthimfrom

attendingtohisoverwhelmingfeelingstorecoveringrationality.

5.

INVITE

CRITICISM

Asktheangrypersontovoicehisorhercriticismofyourselforthesituationmore

fully.Youmightsaysomethinglike,"Goahead.Tellmeeverythingthathasyou

upset.Don'tholdanythingback.Iwanttohearallyouhavetosay."

6.AGREEIFPOSSIBLE.IFNOT,AGREETODISAGREE.

Therearecaseswhenangeristriggeredbyalegitimategrievance.Inthesecases,

itcanhelpapersonlosesteambyhearingsomeonevalidatethepresenceof

injustice.

At

the

very

least,

agreeing

that

a

person

has

a

right

to

the

opinion

they

havecanhelpdeescalateanger.


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7.REITERATEYOURSUPPORT.

Emphasizeyourwillingnesstohelp.Example:Okay.Idontknowhowthisthing

couldhavehappened,butyouhavemyassurancethatIllstaywithyouuntilwe

figureitout.

8.SETLIMITS.

Tellthepersonthatyouarewillingtolisten,butyoudappreciatethatthetones

downtheexpressionofhisanger.

Exampleis:Imlisteningrightnow.Idliketotalk,butwithouttheshouting.

Whenyoushoutitisdistracting,andifthisissueisimportanttoyou,thenIwant

tobeabletoconcentratewithouthearingyouraiseyourvoice.Canwestart

again?How

did

Iupset

you?

WhentoBackAwayandWhattoDoNext

Notallangryreactionscanbeeffectivelydealtwith.Hereare

situationswhenitismoreadvisabletobackaway:

1. Whenyouaretooaffectedbyanissuetoviewitobjectively.

Deescalating

anger

requires

that

you

can

take

yourself

out

of

an

issue,eventemporarily,andlookatitobjectively.However,iftheissuehaspersonal

meaningforus,orwearetootiredtoproperlyintervene,thenwedonthavethe

resourcestodeescalatetheanger.

WHATTODO: Withdrawfromthesituationandtalktosomeoneyoutrustabout

yourownfeelings.

2. Whentherearewarningsignsforverbaland/orphysicalviolence.

Yourpriority

is

always

your

well

being

and

safety.

Warningsignsforviolenceincludeahistoryofviolentbehavior,severeragefor

seeminglyminorreasons,possessionofweaponsandthreatsofviolence.

WHATTODO:Getasfarawayfromthepersonasyoucan!Gotoapublicplace.


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3. Whenthereisinfluenceofmoodalteringsubstances.

Nodeescalatingtechniquecanhelpyoudealwithapersonwhohastakenalcohol

andmoodalteringdrugs(bothlegale.g.someantidepressants,andillegale.g.

hallucinogens).

WHATTODO:Disengagefromtheconversationandtalktothemwhentheyre

sober!

4. Whennoamountofrationalinterventionseemstowork.

Therearemomentswhenapersonishellbentonraging,andtheangerwillescalate

regardlessofwhatinterventionyouuse.Itispossiblethatthestrengthoftheanger

issignificantlymorethanthepersonsresourcestocope.Thisissignaledbya

tendencyfortheangertostilltakeoffevenafterslowingdownandcoolingdown,

despitethe

absence

of

provocation.

WHATTODO:Disengagefromtheconversationandreschedulethetalkforanother

time.

5. Whentherearesignsofseriousmentalhealthconditions.

WhiletherearenocategoriesofangerdisordersintheDiagnosticalManualof

MentalDisordersIV(thereferenceofmostmentalhealthprofessionals),some

seriousmentalhealthconditionsarerelatedtoanger.Inthesecases,intensive

therapyand/orpsychiatricmedicationsmaybemostappropriate.Asarule,people

whosufferimpairmentofrealitytestingcannotbeexpectedtoberationalor

reasonable.

Signstowatchoutfor:persecutoryorparanoiddelusions,hallucinations,past

historyofviolencebasedondelusions.

Chronicandrigidpatternsoftheuseofangerascopingmechanismmaypointtoa

personalitydisorder.

WHATTODO:Compassionateunderstandingiskey!However,disengageyourself

immediatelyassomepsychoticsymptomsarecorrelatedwithatendencytowards

violence.Refertotheappropriatementalhealthprofessional.


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ModuleEleven:PullingItAllTogether

Wevenowcometotheconclusionofourworkshop.Sofar,wevepresentedtoyou

differenttechniquesthatcanhelpyoumanageyourangerbetter.Inthismodule,we

willshowhowthesedifferenttechniquescometogether.Wewillalsogiveadditional

tipstohelpyouinpracticingtheseangermanagementtechniquesmoreeffectively.

Ifyoudonotwishtobepronetoanger,do

notfeedthehabit.Giveitnothingwhich

maytendtoitsincrease.

Epictetus


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ProcessOverview

Thefollowingdiagramisasummaryofalltheangermanagementtechniquesdiscussed

inthisworkshop.Thetechniquescanbesummarizedintofourmainsteps:beinformed,

beselfaware,takecontrolandtakeaction.

TAKECONTROL

*usecoping

thoughts

*tryrelaxation

techniques

*blowoff

steam

BESELFAWARE

Study

*yourwarning

signs

*yourhotbuttons

*yourhelpful

waysofdealing

withanger

*yourunhelpful

waysofdealing

withanger

BEINFORMED

Know

*theangercycle

*thefightand

flightresponse

*dosand

dontsofanger

management

TAKEACTION

*Alter,Accept,

Avoid

*Identifythe

problem

*Disagree

constructively

*Negotiate

*Findasolution,

Buildaconsensus

*Makeaplan,Getit

done

*Deescalate

the

otherpersonsanger

*Backawaywhen

needed


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PuttingItintoAction

Thefollowingaretipsinputtingangermanagementtechniques

intoaction:

1. Findyour

motivation

Aswithanyplantowardsbehavioralchange,ithelpstosustainyourmotivation.

Habitsarehardtobreakandunlessthereissomethingstrongthatcaninspire

youtochange,youreffortsmaynotgetfollowedthrough.Sofindyour

motivation!Youcanrememberanegativeeffectofangerinyourlife,suchas

healthproblemsorpoorqualityofrelationships,anduseittoencourage.You

mayalsopicturehowthingscouldbedifferentifyoucanmanageyouranger

better.

2. Chooseonlyonechangeatatime.

Dontexpectchangetohappenovernight.Afterall,thesemaybelifetimehabits

thatyouaretryingtochange.Instead,sticktomanagingoneissueatatime.

Developgoalsthatarerealistic,otherwiseyoumightjustendupfrustrating

yourself.

3. Rewardyourselfforyoursuccesses.

Ifyouvesuccessfullymanagedtochange,affirmyourself!Anysuccess,nomatter

howsmall,showsthatyouarecapable.

4. Choosean

accountability

partner.

Ithelpstonotkeepyourgoalstoyourself.Instead,selectatrustedfriendwho

knowswhatyouaretryingtoaccomplish.Thisfriendcanencourageyouwhen

youneedadditionalmotivation,canspuryoutoactionwhenyourelagging,and

cancheckifyouareworkingatthepaceyoupromisedyouwould.

5. Seekamentalhealthprofessional.

Ifyourereallystrugglingwithangerproblems,oryoujustneedadditionalsupport,

remember:youcanalwaysseekamentalhealthprofessional.Counselors,therapists

andpsychiatristarealltrainedtoaddressangeranditsimpactonyourlife.


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ModuleTwelve:WrappingUp

Althoughthisworkshopiscomingtoaclose,wehopethatyourjourneytoimproveyour

angermanagementskillsisjustbeginning.

WordsfromtheWise

YOGI

BERRA:

In

theory

there

is

no

difference

between

theory

and

practice.

In

practicethereis.

DWIGHTEISENHOWER:Plansarenothing;planningiseverything.

JONASSALK:Therewardforworkwelldoneistheopportunitytodomore.

ANGERMANAGEMENT Acceptthatmostthingsintheworldareoutofyourcontrol

Acceptthat

it

is

your

choice

to

get

angry

about

things

Noonemakesyouangryunlessyouletthem

Lifeisunfair

Noonelikestobearoundanangryperson

Takestockofyourself. Whatdoyouwant?

Youshouldsmilemore. Yourfacewontbreak

Thisfeeling,finally,thatwemaychange

things - thisisatthecentreofeverything

weare.Losethat...loseeverything.

SirDavid

Hare


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HowtoShortCircuittheAngerCycle

ThoughtsThinkthroughthesituation

FeelingsRememberangerisnotunusual

AngerArousal Think

Behaviors

Take

control

AngerActionUsetheenergypositively

VerbalTalkthroughtheproblem

PhysicalConstructiveactivity

SelfcareExercise,sauna,reading,music,etc.

13

Healthy Unhealthy

I can deal with my

feelings

I believe I can help

I made a mistake, Ill

learn from itGood for him. He

deserved to win

Everybody uses me

Im worthless

Ill never get it right

That should have been

me

Pleasetakeamomenttoreviewandupdateyouractionplan.Thiswillbeakeytoolto

guideyourprogressinthedays,weeks,months,andyearstocome.


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QuickReferenceGuide

TheCycleofAnger

1. TheTriggerPhase

Thetriggerphasehappenswhenweperceiveathreatorloss,andourbodypreparesto

respond.Inthisphase,thereisasubtlechangefromanindividualsnormal/adaptivestate

intohisstressedstate.

2. TheEscalationPhase

Intheescalationphase,thereistheprogressiveappearanceoftheangerresponse.Inthis

phase,ourbodypreparesforacrisisafterperceivingthetrigger.Thispreparationismostly

physical,andismanifestedthroughsymptomslikerapidbreathing,increasedheartrate

andraisedbloodpressure.

3. TheCrisisPhase

Aspreviouslymentioned,theescalationphaseisprogressive,anditisinthecrisisphase

thatthe

anger

reaction

reaches

its

peak.

In

the

crisis

phase

our

body

is

on

full

alert,

preparedtotakeactioninresponsetothetrigger.

4.TheRecoveryPhase

Therecoveryphasehappenswhentheangerhasbeenspent,oratleastcontrolled,and

thereisnowasteadyreturntoapersonsnormal/adaptivestate. Inthisstage,reasoning

andawarenessofonesselfreturns.

5.TheDepressionPhase

Thedepressionphasemarksareturntoapersonsnormal/adaptiveways.Physically,this

stagemarksbelownormalvitalsigns,suchasheartrate,sothatthebodycanrecover

equilibrium.

UnhelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger

1. DONTignoretheanger.

2. DONTkeeptheangerinside.

3. DONTgetaggressive.

4. Passive DONTgetpassiveaggressive.

5. DONTusenonconstructive

communicationstyles.

HelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger

1. DOacknowledgethatyouareangry.

2. DOcalmyourselfbeforeyousayanything.

3. DOspeakup,whensomethingisimportant

toyou.

4. DOexplainhowyourefeelinginamanner

thatshowsownershipandresponsibilityfor

youranger.


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ConstructiveDisagreement

Elementsofaconstructivedisagreement:

SOLUTIONFOCUS.Thedisagreementaimstofindaworkablecompromiseattheendofthe

discussion.

MUTUALRESPECT.Even

ifthe

two

parties

do

not

agree

with

one

another,

courtesy

is

always

a

priority.

WINWINSOLUTION. Constructivedisagreementisnotgearedtowardsgettingtheoneupon

theotherperson. Thepremiumisalwaysonfindingasolutionthathasbenefitsforboth

parties.

REASONABLECONCESSIONS.Inconstructivedisagreement,partiesareopentomaking

reasonableconcessionsforthenegotiationtomoveforward.

LEARNINGFOCUS.Partiesinconstructivedisagreementseeconflictsasopportunitiestoget

feedbackonhowwellasystemworks,sothatnecessarychangescanbemade.Theyalso

seeit

as

achallenge

to

be

flexible

and

creative

in

coming

up

with

solutions

for

everyones

gain.

IdentifyingtheProblem

STEPONE: Getasmuch

informationasyoucanwhythe

otherpartyisupset.

STEPTWO:Surfacetheother

personsposition.

Reframe

this

positionintoaproblemstatement.

STEPTHREE:Reviewyourown

position.Stateyourpositionina

problemstatementaswell.

STEPFOUR:Havingheardboth

positions,definetheproblemina

mutuallyacceptableway.

NegotiationTips

1. Notesituationalfactorsthatcaninfluencethenegotiationprocess.

Prepare!

2. Communicateclearlyandeffectively.

3. Focusontheprocessaswellasthe

content.

4. Keepanopenmind.

TripleAApproach

Alter:Altermeansthatyouinitiatechange.

1. Changenonproductivehabits.

2. Respectfullyaskotherstochange

theirbehavior

and

be

willing

to

do

the

same.

3. Changethewayyouviewasituation.

4. Changethewayyoureacttoa

situation.

Avoid:Avoidmeanssteeringclearofsituations

thatcanmakeyouangry.

1. Steerclearofpeoplewhomakeyou

upset.

2. Steerclearofyourhotbuttons.

3.

Remove

yourself

from

a

stressful

situationimmediately.

Accept:Findlearning,Seekhigherpurposeor

venttoafriend.


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RecommendedReadingList

Cava,R.(1990).DealingwithDifficultPeople:ProvenStrategiesforHandlingStrssfulSituationsand

DefusingTensions.Piatkus.

Gottlieb,M.M.(1999).TheAngrySelf:AComprehensiveApproachtoAngerManagement.Zeig,

TuckerandCo.

Kassinove,H.&Tafrate,R.(2007).AngerManagement.ImpactPublishers

Kriesberg,L.(2004).ConstructiveConflicts:FromEscalationtoResolution.RowmanandLittlefield

Publishers.

Nay,W.R.(2004).TakingChargeofAnger:HowtoResolveConflicts,SustainRelationshipsand

ExpressYourselfwithoutLosingControl.TheGuilfordPress.

Schiraldi,G.R.&Kerr,M.H.(2002).TheAngerManagementSourcebook.McGrawHill.

p348 anger management course

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