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Orange Peel gazette - Kane COunty edItIOnGreAT rATes - GreAT resulTs - CAll TodAy! (815)751-1286

LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE ON JANUARY 216

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These I Can PromiseI cannot promise you a life of sunshine;I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;I cannot promise you an easy pathwayThat leads away from change.But I can promise all my heart's devotion;A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;A love that's ever true and ever growing;A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.

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If you’re newly engaged or celebrating your 50th WeddingAnniversary, please enjoy somefunny and heartwarming storiesabout couples and their lives

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yard Sale A woman was taking her time browsing through

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a Woman's Week at the gymIf you read this without laughing out loud, there is

something wrong with you. This is dedicated toeveryone who ever attempted to get into a regularworkout routine.

dear diary,For my birthday this year, my husband gave me a

week of personal training at the local health club. Al-though I am still in great shape since being a highschool football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided itwould be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Icalled the club and made my reservations with a per-sonal trainer named Christo, who identified himselfas a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model forathletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemedpleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The clubencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MOnday: started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough toget out of bed, but found it was well worth it when Iarrived at the health club to find Christo waiting forme. He is something of a Greek god -- with blondhair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WooHoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the ma-chines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in whichhe conducted his aerobics class after my workouttoday. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as Idid my sit-ups, although my gut was already achingfrom holding it in the whole time he was around.This is going to be a FANTAsTIC week!!

tueSday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but Ifinally made it out the door. Christo made me lie onmy back and push a heavy iron bar into the air thenhe put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly onthe treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewardingsmile made it all worthwhile. I feel GreAT! It's awhole new life for me.

WedneSday: The only way I can brush myteeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter andmoving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe Ihave a hernia in both pectorals. driving was oK aslong as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top ofa Geo in the club parking lot. Christo was impatientwith me, insisting that my screams bothered otherclub members. His voice is a little too perky for thatearly in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this


tell Our adVertISerS, “I SaW yOu In tHe Orange Peel gazette.”Page 5

First 2015 Show: Feb 28 - March 1April 4-5 May 2-3 June 6-7 July 4-5

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Welcome Home provides people who have moved with useful community information and Free gifts from localmerchants: all to help you become familiar with the area.

Call or Text For a Visit -Elburn - St. Charles Batavia - North Aurora Geneva/Mill Creek Batavia/Mill Creek

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a Woman's Week at the gym (cont’d)nasally whine that is Very annoying. My chest hurtwhen I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on thestair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine tosimulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?Christo told me it would help me get in shape andenjoy life. He said some other stuff too.

tHurSday: Christo was waiting for me with hisvampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips werepulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a halfan hour late -- it took me that long to tie my shoes. Hetook me to work out with dumbbells. When he wasnot looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sentsome skinny girl to find me. Then, as punishment, heput me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FrIday: I hate that jerk Christo more than anyhuman being has ever hated any other human being inthe history of the world. stupid, skinny, anemic,anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part ofmy body I could move without unbearable pain, Iwould beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work onmy triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don'twant dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells oranything that weighs more than a sandwich. Thetreadmill flung me off and I landed on a health andnutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someonesofter, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: satan left a message on my answer-ing machine in his grating, shrilly voice wonderingwhy I did not show up today. Just hearing his voicemade me want to smash the machine with my planner;however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV re-mote and ended up catching eleven straight hours ofthe Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me upfor services today so I can go and thank God that thisweek is over. I will also pray that next year my hus-band will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a rootcanal or a hysterectomy. I still say, if God had wantedme to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floorwith diamonds!!!

Words Women use Fine: This is the word women use to end an argu-

ment when they are right and you need to shut up. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this is half

an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you havejust been given 5 more minutes to watch the game be-fore helping around the house. nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This

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- - - - -If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you

either have a good joke, or a good wife.

love Or Marriage?LOVE:

When you write poems about your partner.MARRIAGE:

When all you write is checks.LOVE:

When your eyes meet across a crowded room.MARRIAGE:

When you lose your child in a crowded room.LOVE:

When your heart flutters every time you see them.MARRIAGE:

When your wallet empties every time you see them.LOVE:

When you have concern for your partner's feelings.MARRIAGE:

When you have concern for what's on TV. LOVE:

When you share everything you own.MARRIAGE:

When the bank owns everything.LOVE:

When your farewell is "I love you, darling." MARRIAGE:

When your farewell is "Pick up some toilet paper."


Orange Peel gazette - Kane COunty edItIOnCoNNeCTING CusToMers ANd BusINesses. . .THAT’s WHAT We do BesT!

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Happy New Year!Is It love? Bill and steve are discussing the possibility of

love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says."Thought?" steve asks. "What do you mean?""Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman

who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says."Wasn't that love?" steve asks."No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two

years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive womanwho didn't understand me."

"Wasn't that love?" asks steve."No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year,

I met a woman while I was on a cruise. she was gor-geous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had asuper sense of humor. everywhere I followed her onthat ship, I would get a very strange sensation in thepit of my stomach."

"Well, wasn't that love," asks steve."No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~• Men are like a fine cheese.

They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them

until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.





The Mora Farm is a place where you can get away from it all and enjoy the beauty of the Illinois countryside.

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Some tips for your 2015 big day~The biggest trends for 2015 weddings is very personaland intimate atmosphere, as if we had brought togetherour family and friends at home. In this theme, the focusis on long wooden tables instead of round ones andwooden chairs or benches, as well as white twinklylights as a key element in decorating and creating thiscozy environment.

The flowers used in weddings are also going to be ofrustic and country inspiration – with floral arrange-ments and bridal bouquets composed of flowers thatseem freshly picked right off the field.

Wedding dresses: it is going to be the year of vintagedresses, with defined silhouettes. dresses with pockets,dresses with lace sleeves, dresses in pastel colors,namely pink.

In terms of accessories for the bride, Veils return in fullforce regardless of the style or wedding dress chosenfor the big day.

the priest who married us forgot ournames.

He was at the pulpit and said "We are gathered heretoday to celebrate the marriageof.....of......of.......of......" cue him screwing up his eyesand trying in vain to see our names written on a scrapof paper which he had left on the altar. "of....of...." hecontinued....then came a divine flash of inspiration andhe settled on "these two young people".

Kids? don't ya just luv em!We went to a cousins wedding with son #1, who

was about 20 months. They just got to the point wherethey ask: "If anyone knows of any reason while thesetwo should not be wed, speak now..."

To which son #1 piped up No! No! No! No! . (Iwas trying to pick him up off the floor at the time.)

One track Mind!A long time ago I was a bridesmaid at my cousins

wedding. It was a full catholic mass type thingy thingand at one point an altar boy walked down the aisleringing a bell - one of the little ones shouts as loud ashe can: "It's the ice cream man".

life InsuranceAn insurance salesman was trying to persuade, Mrs

Warren, a housewife, to buy a life insurance policy.'Just imagine,' he pronounced, 'if your husband was

to die tomorrow, what would you get?''oh, a yorkshire terrier dog, I think,' responded Mrs

Warren brightly, 'they're so well-behaved.'

Writing your Wedding Vowssit down in a quiet space with paper and pen and answer these questions. even if you don't think the an-swer will end up in your wedding vows, still take thetime to write it down. It may help you in the long run. 1. What is the single greatest thing about the person

you are going to marry?2. When did you know that you were in love/ know

that this person was the one you wanted to marry?3. What does marriage mean to you? 4. Why do you want to be married?5. What is the most important thing you want to

promise to your partner? What is the promise you most want to hear from them?

6. What will change about your relationship once you are married? What will stay the same?

OrangePeel

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CCUURRTTIISS

Join the MV transit teamSeeking Professionals

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Apply at: MV transit1896 Suncast lane

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eeo/AA employer

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LUNDYLUNDY

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ON-SITE COMPUTER GUY, INC.HELPING BUSINESSES TAME TECHNOLOGY!

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102 W Lincoln Ave ▪ Hinckley, IL

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large FamilyBen came from a large family. He had five sisters

and three brothers. one day he was looking through the family photo

album with his mother when he noticed, in page afterpage, that all the children were dressed in the same col-ors.

He asked his mother why they were all dressedalike.

she explained, “At first, when we had just four chil-dren, I dressed you alike so we wouldn’t lose any ofyou. “Then,” she added, “as other five came along, Istarted dressing you alike so we wouldn’t accidentallytake one home that didn’t belong to us.”

attainable new year's resolutions This year I resolve to...

- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. - stop exercising. Waste of time. - read less. Makes you think. - Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. - Procrastinate more. starting tomorrow. - Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see

the largest ball of twine. - stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out

more. - Buy a 1983 Cadillac el dorado and invest in a really

loud stereo system and get the windows tinted.

- Never make New year's resolutions again.


FOr adVertISIng, Call MICHelle at (815)751-1286 Page 10

Discount Grocery Outlet

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Personally I think one of the greatest things aboutmarriage is that as both husband and Father, I cansay anything I want to around the house. Of course,

no one pays the least bit of attention.

Why are you not Married? Here are some comebacks:

•you haven't asked yet.•I was hoping to do something meaningful with mylife.•Because I just love hearing this question.•Just lucky, I guess.•It gives my mother something to live for.•My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.•I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.•do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Misssaigon?•I'm waiting until I get to be your age.•It didn't seem worth a blood test.•I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.•Because I think it would take all the spontaneity outof dating.•My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.•I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.•They just opened a great singles bar on my block.•I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheerhappiness.•What? And lose all the money I've invested in runningpersonal ads?•I don't want to have to support another person on mypaycheck.•Why aren't you thin?•I'm married to my career, although recently we havebeen considering a trial separation.•Bonus reply for single Mothers: Because having ahusband and a child would be redundant.

Bad Hair day "What happened to you?" asked the bystander of

the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beautyparlor.

The man shook his head groggily and rubbed hisbruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was mywife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look ather and said, 'Well, Honey, ... at least you tried.'"

Visit our website at ~www.OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo.com

You can read the Orange Peel Gazette online.

*



aCrOSS1. www.NI_____Guide.com4. Baptism & _____ Gowns7. The first in _____8. www.old_____works.com12. High Amp _____

down2. A _____ decision3. Gutter _____5. enjoy the beauty of the _____countryside.6. We pay _____ on the spot!9. New york _____ Wash10. _____ for your special day.11. The pefect day, the _____ look

all answers Can Be Found Throughout The

ads appearing In This Issue Of TheOrange Peel

gazette

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~do you Know your Wife?

'Is it true, dad,' asked Joey, that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.'

'That happens everywhere, Joey, everywhere!' responds his father.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~By all means marry. If you get a goodwife, you'll be happy. If you get a badone, you'll become a philosopher...andthat is a good thing for any man.

- Socrates

Expires 1/31/15


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$668,000 Question...Who was the first vice president to become president upon the death of a chief executive?A) Martin Van Buren B) John Tyler C) Andrew Johnson d) richard M. Nixon $669,000 Question...Who, at age 36, was the youngest person ever to serve asvice president?A) richard Nixon B) John C. Breckinridge C) dan Quayle d) Franklin d. roosevelt

$670,000 Question...Who was the only vice president indicted for murderwhile in office? A) Aaron Burr B) William King C) Thomas Hendricks d) John Nance Garner$671,000 Question...Who was the first vice president to serve as acting president? He served as acting president for eight hourswhile the president underwent surgery.A) Chester Arthur B) Theodore roosevelt C) George H. Bush d) William r. King $672,000 Question...Who was the first person to serve as vice president undertwo different presidents? A) George Clinton B) John C. Calhoun C) Henry Wilson d) Andrew Johnson$673,000 Question...Who drafted the doctrine of states' rights, which eventually helped bring on the Civil War?A) John C. Calhoun B) daniel d. Tompkins C) John Breckinridge d) Henry Wilson$674,000 Question...Who was the only VP elected by the senate?A) elbridge Gerry B) richard M. Johnson C) Millard Fillmore d) Alben W. Barkley

Answers: $668 - B; $669 - B; $670 - A;$671 - C; $672 - A; $673 - A; $674 - B


Opee gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants To Be a Zillionaire?

a Child's ViewJack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his

father, 'daddy, daddy, I want to get married.'His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have

a boy and a girl.'so Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.''Who?' splutters his dad.'Grandma,' continues Jack happily.“Now, let me get this straight,' his father says. 'you

want to marry my mother? ................. you can't dothat.'

'I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'you marriedmine!'

Wives go Fishing •Wife after returning from fishing trip with husband

to neighbor: "I did everything all wrong again today --I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait.I reeled in too soon and I caught more than he did."

•shivering wife to husband while ice fishing: "Tellme again how much fun we're having -- I keep forget-ting."

•Wife to her husband returning from a weekend fish-ing trip: "Gesundheit ! What else did you catch ?"

•Wife to husband while fishing: "I don't know, it stillseems to me that the boot you caught yesterday put upmore of a fight than that inner tube you caught today."

Big date A young man called his mother and announced ex-

citedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send herflowers, and on the card invite her to your place for ahome-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged adate for a week later. His mother called the day afterthe big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

FOr adVertISIng, Call MICHelle at (815)751-1286 Page 14


Hetts auto Saleslooking for a quality used

vehicle? All our vehicles aresafety inspected, have a

carfax report and many arepriced in the

$3000 - $8000 range. Viewour inventory at

www.hettsautosales.comHetts Auto sales is located

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69 W. Washington St. (rt 34)Oswego, Il 60543

630-554-9339www.hettsautosales.com

AUTOMOTIVE

BUYING

CaSH PaIdWWII, WWI

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Garage Doors by Curtsales and service

We sell CHI doorslift Master openers

(630)276-3453

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ANTIQUES HELP WANTED

experienced Window Cleanerresidential/CommercialMust be self motivated,

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residential & Post Construction Cleaning

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Northwestern suburbsHourly $14 + benefits.

Please call (630)540-9627

$125 Mixed Face Cord$150 oak/Hickory

Free delivery & stack(630)907-0775

FIREWOOD

tHe PICKer SISterSestate & Moving sales

Antiques and Collectiblessally (630)945-6158

Visit MantIQueS SHOP721 s. lake st, Montgomery

(630)429-0760Buy ▪ sell ▪ Trade ▪ Find

let's Make 2015 Best year!Work Home:FT/PT

Will train: Travel AgentsFor Interview 630-766-8231

lanza Masonry Inc.Brick, Stone, tile

Pavers retaining Walls 847-833-3384

MASONRY

DRYER VENTCLEANING

Prevent dangerous lint build-up that causes fires.A clean dryer vent allows

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Need help on your nextmove? Call the professionals

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www.4promovers.com

MOVING

WeBMarC dOOrSresidential & CommercialGarage doors and openerssales and service. Familyowned and operated in

Kane Co. Webmarc doorsA Mark of excellence.

24Hr service (847)888-2212

Bill’s Custom ServicesInterior/exterior

Painting & drywall etc.Wallpaper hanging/removalover 20 years experience

Free estimates/Insured(815)482-4155

PAINTING

West Aurora - ranch home.Personal family room,

bedroom & bath.Includes utilities, use of

kitchen, laundry. No pets.Mature woman preferred.$700/mo. (630)465-1866

HOUSING TO SHARE

J & l BuIlderSBasement Finishing

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your Complete remodelingservice. Free estimates

(630)334-1322J-lBuIlderS.COM

REMODELING

aguaS reMOdelIngAll Kinds of repairs;

electrical - WallsBathrooms - KitchensWater Heater repairs

from $150.00Habla Espanol

(847)809-1102 Jesus



Wanted to buy junk -Cars, Trucks, Farm

equipment/Machinerysemi-Trucks Trailers

Free Pick upCaSH On SPOt!

(847)456-0974

Cash Paid for old Fishing/Hunting

equipmentCall Tim (630)327-1557

Next Issue: January 21Ad Deadline: January 9

adVertISe In tHe Orange Peel gazette

Call Michelle at (815)751-1286Rates starting at just $22.00 per issue.

Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable. Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories and

jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only andare not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to considered as an endorsement or validation by orange Peel Gazette for products or services offered.

WANTED

List your Business Herestarting at just $13.50 per issue.Call (815)751-1286

CAROLINE BURNELLAMSOIL DEALER ZO# 1331127

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Hall Rental Available(Not Available on Wed or Sat) Call for Details

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IntereSted In BeCOMIng a lIOn? aSK yOur lOCal CluB HOW.

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BE PREPARED FOR THE SNOW

M.A.R.S., Inc.Starters - AlternatorsStarters - Alternators

GeneratorsGenerators

100% New Motorsfor Snow Plows & Salt Spreaders

We can increase voltage & amperage at low rpm

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do-It-yourself tips For real Men leak stain on ceiling: Cut a piece of plywood into a

square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Telleveryone it's the door to your attic. (Not recommendedfor basement apartments).

Crabgrass: In one corner of your lawn, assembleyour mower, rake, shovel and weed killer. using rightindex finger, dial any asphalt company. Have themcome over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shoveland weed killer included.

Burn on rug: Cut one lemon in half. squeeze juiceinto large glass of gin mixed 50-50 with tonic. Add ice.drink enough glasses of this solution until burn be-comes blurry. Move couch over mark.

dirty paint brushes: soak brushes in pail of paint re-mover. read paint remover directions carefully. Noticethey say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushesand can to airy place -- like the backyard. Notice thatsolvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up offlawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue. Now no-tice that solvent is highly flammable.

annoying drips: don't invite them over anymore.

Joe’s lawn equipment1029 rural st, Aurora

Commercial/residential(630) 201-4772

SNOW BLOWER REPAIR

orange reat p ates eel g reat azette esults - k all ane oday … · 2015-01-07 · orange...

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