oatfacs grads standards unit 1.4 conflict resolution skills april 8, 2011 jen batton, director girc...

OATFACS GRADS Standards Unit 1.4 Conflict Resolution Skills

April 8, 2011

Jen Batton, Director GIRC216-987-2224

[email protected]

CRE Skill Set: Understanding Conflict

Identify constructive/destructive conflict (what’s it look like?)

Identify conflict triggers in self/others

Identify needs-based conflict

CRE Skill Set: The Role of Emotion in Conflict

Building emotional vocabulary/skillsIncreasing cultural sensitivity to emotions (seeing

how culture effects emotions and expression)Identifying emotional triggers to conflictUsing the emotional escalation/de-escalation

ladderIdentify your anger styleSelf-soothing/calming strategiesVerbally expressing anger (appropriately)Using questions to identify feelings (for self and

other)Using questions to work through conflict (self and

other)

CRE Skill Set: CommunicationParaphrasingSummarizingListening for FeelingsPerception CheckingOpen v. Closed

QuestionsI-StatementsSupporting and

Encouraging Messages

Using Neutral Language

Nonaggressive communication (complaint v. criticism v. contempt)

Sending /Recognizing NV behaviors

Adjusting to Cultural Differences in Language (using direct and indirect language well)

Adjusting to Cultural Differences in NV Communication (using space, voice, gesture and body orientation in a culturally sensitive way)

CRE Skill Set: Problem SolvingSteps in decision makingTesting options for

effective decisionsDeveloping realistic

implementation plans for decisions

Facilitating group discussion

to consensusRecognizing emotional

and cognitive perspectives

Effective questioning to assess perceptions

Being competent at enacting all conflict styles

Recognizing interests and positions

Questioning to uncover interests behind positions

Exploring options/brainstorming

Creating sound argumentsMediation Recognizing conflict stylesMatching conflict styles to

the situation

The Stagesin Learning a New Skill

As we begin, it is helpful to know

When we learn to DO something new, we go through at least 7 stages.

Interfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission

The Stages in Learning a New Skill1. Awareness

2. Knowledge and Information

3. Awkward Engagement

4. Phoniness and Artificiality

5. Mechanical Use

6. Routine and Customary

7. Creative and InnovativeInterfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission.

Concentric Circles

We will number off, 1-2, around the room.

Form a circle with 1s in the middle facing out and 2s on the outside facing in.

Understanding ConflictHow do you define conflict?What are some of the conflicts in school

between students?What are some of the conflicts in school

between staff/administration/faculty?How are conflicts handled in school?What are some of the better ways you feel

conflicts might be addressed?

Basic Needs are at the Root of Conflict

11© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution

William Glasser – Five Basic NeedsBelonging - Loving, Cooperating, Fitting-In

Power – (NOT over others), That we can

succeed, Feeling Important, Being Respected

Freedom - Making Choices and Decisions

Fun - Laughing, Playing, Finding Joy in Life

Security - Feeling Safe from Put-Downs,

Ridicule and Physical Abuse© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution

Appropriate and Inappropriate Methods

People have appropriate and inappropriate ways to get their needs met.

Around the room are flip charts with the needs listed.

Grab a marker and write on the charts both appropriate and inappropriate ways you see adults meet this need.

© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution

The Way the Brain Works

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Amygdala:

the source of reactions to conflict


LEARNED

RESPONSES

INSTINCTIVE

REACTIONS

Fight

or

Flight Choice


Conflict StylesConflict styles are the predominant

ways that people deal with conflict.Most people rely on one or two styles

that are often defined by emphasis on concern for the self or concern for the other.

The goal of an effective conflict manager is to be able to use any conflict style when the situation demands. www.creducation.orgCRETE Project


Competing: a win-lose orientation in which you try to maximize your gains

Compromising: “Split the Difference”

Collaborating: Problem-solving style in which the parties work together against the problem.

www.creducation.orgCRETE Project

Thomas and Kilmann Styles


Avoiding: Avoidance can be either physical and/or psychological

Accommodating: meeting the needs of the other person but ignoring your own needs.


Thomas and Kilmann Styles


WE CAN CHOOSE OUR RESPONSE TO CONFLICT

Con

cern

for

my

Goal

Concern for the Relationship

Compete

Smooth, Accommodate

Withdraw, Ignore

Compromise

Collaborate


Competing: When it is a matter of law, ethics, safety,

or rules. When important others expect you to

compete. When the other will be very competitive. AND when the stakes are high.

When Each Style is the Best


COMPETINGA person who chooses a competitive style put his/her own interest before anyone else’s interest. Sometimes they try so hard to get what they want that they ruin friendships. A LION can be a symbol of a competitive style. The lion’s loud roar helps the lion to satisfy its interest. For example, if the lion’s family is hungry and needs food, the lion may use its strength and loud roar to get the food because it is important for the family. People who often choose the Lion response to achieve interests may use other responses when the relationship is important.


When Each Style is the BestAvoiding

When the issue is trivial to youWhen there is no long-term relationshipWhen you are the low power party in a

serious power imbalance



AVOIDINGA person who chooses the avoiding style does not get involved in a conflict. He/she might say “you decide and leave me out of it.” A TURTLE can be a symbol of the avoiding style because it can avoid everything by pulling it’s head and legs into its shell to get away from everyone. People often withdraw temporarily from a disagreement in order to “cool off” or to consider a response. Then they may choose another response, depending on their goals and the importance of the relationship.


When Each Style is the BestCollaborating:

When the issue is complex and requires creativity.

When there is a long-term relationship.

When their implementation of the decision is necessary

www.creducation.org© 2007 Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution

COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM-SOLVING

A collaborative problem-solving style enables people to work together so that everyone can win. A DOLPHIN usually chooses this style. Dolphins use whistles and clicks to communicate with each other to catch food cooperatively and to summon help. For example, when a dolphin is sick or injured, other dolphins will help it to the surface so it can breathe. People who choose this style are willing to commit time and skill so that they can achieve their goals and also keep the relationship strong by helping the others involved to achieve their goals, too.


When Each Style is the BestCompromising

When there are truly finite resources.

When there are no means to increase the divisible resources.

When time is short.


COMPROMISINGPeople choose a compromising style when they want to satisfy some of their interests, but not all of them. They are likely to say “let’s split the difference” or “something is better than nothing. A ZEBRA can be a symbol for the compromising style. A zebra’s unique look seems to indicate that it didn’t care if it was a black horse or a white animal, so it “split the difference” and chose black and white stripes. Someone who commonly chooses the zebra response may not choose a compromising style for all things. A “zebra” may choose cooperative or competitive style like the dolphin or the lion, depending on the situation.


When Each Style is the BestAccommodating:

When the issue is trivial to you.When harmony in the relationship

is all important.When you are the low power party

in a serious power imbalance.When you want to build trust with

the other by demonstrating a protection of their interests.


ACCOMMODATING

A person who chooses an accommodating style puts his/her own interest last and lets other have what they want. Many times these people believe that keeping a good friendship is more important than anything else. A CHAMELEON can be a symbol of the accommodating style because it changes its color to match the color of its surroundings. The chameleon fits quietly into its environment. Someone who often accommodates may choose other styles when specific and personal goals become more important.


Self-imageAttitudesPrevious historyIrrational beliefsInternal logicUnmet needs

WorldView

The Cycle of Conflict begins with the world view.

30© 2005 Interfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission

WorldView

FeelingsBehavior

Responseof Others Stress

The Cycle of Conflict

Adapted from Nicholas Long and Mary Wood31

Many reactions…

Mirror the behavior of the other person.

Confirm the other person’s irrational beliefs.

Stress arouses feelings.

Feelings trigger behavior.

Behavior incites others.

Others increase stress.

Around it goes!


Here is what you can do to make a difference:

Change your own response because that’s the only thing you CAN change.

Respond—don’t react—from your “thinking” brain.

Do not mirror aggressive behavior.Use strategies for de-escalation.

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We know we are in a conflict because we FEEL it, both physically and with our emotions.

Emotions affect our perceptions and behaviors.

Emotion escalates conflict.People need to become emotionally

aware in order to manage conflict constructively.

CRETE Project

Emotion and Conflict


EMOTIONS AND CONFLICTEmotions can create conflict.Emotions can make conflict worse.Emotions can make conflict better.Dealing with feelings can be difficult and

scary.It takes time to determine what people are

feeling--and it does matter!


Key Skills for Managing Emotionin Conflict:

Know your Emotion Triggers (what “bugs” you).Know how you might “Bug” others.Appreciate that people have different emotional

responses.Understand how emotions can escalate conflict.Learn how to de-escalate emotions in conflict.

CRETE Project


SOME FEELINGS:

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ANGER IS LIKE AN ICEBERG.Anger is often the second emotion a person feels.

A different emotion comes first and remains hidden.


CONFLICT ESCALATOR

STEPS FOR HANDLING EMOTIONS

NameClaimTameReframeAim


THINK OF A TIME WHEN YOU HAD A STRONG FEELING--MAYBE ANGER OR DISLIKE.

TALK WITH A PARTNER ABOUT HOW YOU USED, OR COULD HAVE USED THESE STEPS.

Name: What I did, or could have done to name my feeling.Claim: What I did, or could have done to claim my feeling.Tame: What I did, or could have done, to tame my feeling.Reframe: What I did, or could have done, to reframe my

feeling.Aim: What I did, or could have done, to aim my feeling:

address it, let it go, apologize, something else?


Try This!

Communication and ConflictPerceptions and Perspective-Taking“I” MessagesActive Listening

Nonverbal Verbal



What do you see in the picture?We see what we see.We judge ourselves

by our intentions.We judge others by

our perceptions.Sometimes our

perceptions are not accurate.


Impact of PerceptionWe act towards others on the basis of our

perceptionsWe often use our perceptions to predict what

we think the other will think or do nextWe are less likely to check the accuracy of

our perceptions with those we know well or people we’ve already decided are “bad”


Perception Checking – 3 PartsDescription – provide a description of the

behavior you noticedInterpretation – provide two possible

interpretations of the behaviorClarification – request clarification from the

person about the behavior and your interpretations


Perception Checking Example“When you stomped out of the room and

slammed the door…” (description of the behavior) “I wasn’t sure whether you were mad at me…” (interpretation #1) “or just in a hurry.” (Interpretation #2) “What were you feeling? (request for clarification).


Practice Perception Checking:A fellow classmate/colleague has not

responded to your “good morning” for two days in a row. This person is usually friendly.

A colleague/classmate has not read your email for 3 weeks according to the “read receipt” option that you sent about a joint project. They have not been particularly engaged from the beginning.


Questioning and Answering AppropriatelyThe power of “Why?”The question of “why” is almost always

perceived as hostile and intrusive. It puts the other person on the defensive. “Why” escalates.

Just answer the question. One of the early stages of conflict is the

“questioning” stage. If you simply answer the question, over and over if necessary, the escalation is often stopped.

Change the “Why” QuestionsWhy are you late?Why didn’t you read the emails?Why were you unprepared for the meeting

again?Why don’t you want to participate in the

program?Why didn’t you finish your part of the project?Why did you say that to our colleague?

I-Messages - GoalsReduce Defensiveness and BlameAvoid “you” statements that will escalate the

conflictRespond in a way that will de-escalate the

conflictIdentify feelingsIdentify behaviors causing the conflictHelp resolve/prevent future conflicts

“I” messages I feel/am _____________ (Name feeling such as frustrated,

embarrassed, insulted, worried, Don’t use “I feel like/that”)

when _____________ (Explain the specific situation)

because _____________ (Explain how the specific behavior causes difficulty for you)

I would like __________ (Share options for what you would prefer to see done differently)

Practice “I” messagesYou loan your book to a fellow student/colleague and

he/she loses it.The student/colleague who sits next to you in

class/during a meeting distracts you by constantly texting on their phone and eating out of a crinkly bag of chips.

A colleague/student constantly comes late which disrupts the meeting and/or activities which are in progress.

A student/colleague is teasing you in public and you don’t like it.

Requires Verbal and Non-verbal Skills

53


Verbal Skills

Question-ask open ended or clarifying questions.

Respond-affirm verbally (“ok”) or non-verbally (head nods etc.)

Reflect-Verbally reflect back any emotion the speaker mentions, or ask about feelings.

Summarize what the person has just told you. Check in to see if you have heard it correctly.

Thanks! (“I’m glad you told me this.”)

© 2005 Interfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission.

Non-verbal communication skillsStance/ body languageEye contactHand gesturesProximity to another personFacial expressions

56

Non-Verbal CommunicationWhen you are talking to another person,

very little of the message they receive comes from your words!

Body Language = 50%Tone of Voice = 40%

Words = 10%If we want to manage conflict effectively,

we must possess good non-verbal communication skills!

BEING A GOOD LISTENERRULES FOR BEING A GOOD LISTENER LISTEN as if you were in the other person’s place

to better understand what the person is saying and how he or she feels.

SHOW you understand and care with verbal and nonverbal behavior: tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures, eye contact and posture.

RESTATE the person’s most important thoughts and feelings.

DO NOT interrupt, offer advice or give suggestions. Do not begin to talk about problems you have or bring up similar experiences of your own.


Question-ask open ended or clarifying questions.

Respond-affirm verbally (“ok”) or non-verbally (head nods etc.)

Reflect-Verbally reflect back any emotion the speaker mentions, or ask about feelings.

Summarize what the person has just told you. Check in to see if you have heard it correctly.

Thanks! (“I’m glad you told me this.”)

© 2005 Interfaith Center for Peace. Used by permission.

© 2009 N.E. Ohio Juvenile Detention Professional Development ProjectAll Rights Reserved

59

POSITIONS AND INTERESTS (or “Demands” and “Really Needs”)

A POSITION

IS

WHAT

SOMEONE WANTS.

AN INTEREST

IS

WHY

SOMEONE WANTS IT.

BrainstormThis is a process of creating as many

solutions as possible BEFORE you evaluate them to decide which are the best options.

Otherwise, good ideas never have a chance to be suggested and discussed because people are too busy arguing over the first ideas introduced.



61

BrainstormingThe goal of brainstorming is

to list as many ideas as possible without criticizing or judging.

Brainstorming gives a creative and open

feeling; helps generate ideas; encourages teamwork.


62

Say anything that comes to mind. Don’t judge your ideas. All ideas are accepted. Let your thoughts come quickly. Build on the ideas of others. “Funny” ideas are OK. Think of as many creative ideas as you

can. Set a time limit, and stick to it!


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Exploring OptionsSometimes we resolve conflicts without a formal brainstorming session.

We explore the options as we come up with ideas.

Curriculum Resource GuidesSearchable CDs of CRE Lessons, Primary and

Secondary Level, Administrator’s Guide, Staff Development Guide. Over 600 lessons per GuideSearchable by Topic and Subject Area

Created by state government offices, the Ohio Department of Education and the Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management

www.disputeresolution.ohio.gov

National Standards for Peer Mediation

Available at the National Association for Conflict

Resolution Web site:www.acrnet.org

Free CRE Resources: www.creducation.org

oatfacs grads standards unit 1.4 conflict resolution skills april 8, 2011 jen batton, director girc...

Documents

conflict triggers

conflict self

root of conflict

conflict resolution

cultural differences

consensusrecognizing

sensitive waycre skill

nv communication