“I’m bored,” I say as I soar through the stars on a spinning ball of adventure

MODERN BRIT

The Magazine That Hates Itself

No. 4

All content copyright © 2015. All rights reserved.

Visit us online at http://www.modernbrit.co.uk/

1

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN CLOSURES

The federal government shutdown of October 1-16, 2013 affected many areas at the local level. Here’s how it affected one particular American community.

FROM BELLWOOD COUNTY EXECUTIVE MAGGIE STAUB:

Because of the of the number of businesses, organizations, and

government agencies that receive federal funding, the following

places in our county will be affected by the government shutdown:

• Bellwood local EPA offices: FULL CLOSURE

• The Hamilton Veterans Hospital: PARTIAL CLOSURE

• Small Business Administration, Bellwood county offices: PARTIAL CLOSURE

• R.K. Mellin’s Trampoline Store: FULL CLOSURE

• Everland National Park: FULL CLOSURE

• All National Guard recruiting offices: FULL CLOSURE

• Monroe Trampoline Outlet Warehouse: FULL CLOSURE

• Bellwood IRS offices: FULL CLOSURE

• Stern’s Trampoline Repair and Parts: FULL CLOSURE

• Big Jim’s Trampoline Delivery and Installation: FULL CLOSURE

• Garbanzo Brothers Trampoline Antics Party Services: FULL CLOSURE

• Heritage Hall Historic Trampoline and Museum: FULL CLOSURE

• Bellwood Department of Transportation facilities: PARTIAL CLOSURE

• Bellwood Community College: PARTIAL CLOSURE (all trampoline studies classes canceled)

• Theodore Roosevelt Park and Trampoline Recreation Area: FULL CLOSURE

• Foster Hill Prestigious Trampitheater (trampoline amphitheater): FULL CLOSURE

• Bellwood County Trampoline Scrapyard: FULL CLOSURE

• Trampoline Injury Services: FULL CLOSURE

• McDonald’s (the one with the trampoline): PARTIAL CLOSURE (just the trampoline)

2

SENIOR SUPERLATIVES FOR DOUG, THE HOMESCHOOLED 18–YEAR–OLD:

Most Likely to Succeed............................................................DougBest Smile...............................................................................DougMy Handsomest Guy...............................................................DougGetting So Big.........................................................................DougGoing to Have to Start Shaving Soon....................................DougNot Allowed to Have Female Friends Over............................DougMost Likely to Be Grounded for Watching TVPast TV-Watching Hours........................................................DougCome Back Here, Mister...........................................................DadFinish Your Plate.................................................................SparkyBest Hair.................................................................................MomBest Friend..............................................................................Mom

EVEN MORE SEQUELS TO A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS AND FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE

• A Dollar In Quarters

• Some Euros

• $10 (this is the tenth movie)

• $9.50 (this is technically the eleventh movie but it’s a prequel to the tenth)

• All Right, I’ll Give It To You For $125, Final Offer (Clint Eastwood dies in this one)

We take you now to Modern Brit’s

MAN ON THE STREET:

4

CODE FOR GENTLEMANLY DUELLING

Issuing The Challenge

A gentleman may challenge another gentleman to a duel over any slight, large or small.

Duels shall not be issued at night. Likewise, duels shall not be issued when day drunk.

It is only courteous that, before issuing or accepting a challenge, both parties register as organ donors.

Ladies are NOT allowed to duel.

Location

As dueling is technically illegal but also quite badass, it is important that the location of the duel be both (a) jurisdictionally ambiguous and (b) dramatic as hell. Such locations include islands in the middle of rivers, remote cliffs at dawn, and swamps.

Weapons

Duels among gentlemen are to be carried out using pistols.

Each man is allowed only one gun at a time (i.e., no double gunsies)

If the challenged party does not own a pistol or owns a real shitty pistol, it is the challenging party’s duty to provide his opponent with a gun. To do otherwise would be ungenerous.

If both parties agree, they may use either swords or long poles instead of pistols. In this event, different rules are decided on among both parties and their seconds (e.g., how many bops on the head with a big pole are necessary to reclaim one’s honor).

Absolutely no punching.

This piece has been temporarily redacted.

5

Paces

If one or other of the gentleman definitely has to die, they both walk 5 paces.

If they’re just trying to prove a point, it’s 25. If the challenger is really mad but he doesn’t want to risk it, both parties walk 30 paces.

If the combatants are dueling as a bit, they walk 50 paces.

If there are 5 men and they are all equally angry at one another, they all walk the agreed-upon amount of paces and then fire in a star formation.

If neither party is really that upset, they can just turn around and apologize to one another, no hard feelings.

Number Of Shots

The most common and advisable number of shots to be fired by each gentleman is: one. If things are terribly serious, two shots are permissible. Three shots is savage and frankly absurd.

Misfires

Under certain circumstances, both parties may choose to intentionally shoot the ground, instead of aiming for one another. Some of these circumstances include:

• If the challenger is trying to seem like he’s defending his wife’s honor but honestly, he doesn’t really care

• If the challenger believed the other man stole something but then remembered right before the duel started that he put it in a trunk

• Boys being boys

• If neither party is able to remember how this whole thing got started in the first place. (continued)

While we apologise for the inconvenience, it is the opinion of the editors that said inconvenience is a minor one at worst.

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NOTE: Shooting in the air to intimidate the other party is dumb and inadmissible.

Conflict Resolution

At any point before or during the duel, the challenger has the right to yell out “I SPARE YOUR LIFE!” and forgive the challenged. This is considered extremely gentlemanly and the challenger should be congratulated as such.

Each combatant is bound to choose a second who will try to talk out the problem and resolve it before the duel. If the seconds cannot come to an understanding, they are then bound to talk up their friends’ prowess at shooting pistols.

One Final Warning

If one or both of the participants isn’t a gentleman, anything goes.

That wasn’t so bad now, was it?

7

WHERE IT IS

Past the oak tree with the crooked W-shaped branch,

Through Mr. DeNola’s backyard with the unfortunate above ground poolWhere I pushed his palsied son into the water on purpose,

Over their fence where I once sat and laughed at a hysterical Brendan Mulley Whose African Grey escaped into the heights of an overarching maple And was in danger of being pecked apart by a menacing murder of crows in an adjacent birch,

Down flood-worn Lincoln Boulevard’s rubbly asphalt Notorious for the skid knee caps of the Taylor twins Unable to remain upright on the metallic green Huffy BMX bikes Purchased by their father in a futile attempt to win their affection After a noisy divorce with Mrs. Taylor who is now Mrs. Farbstein,

Within the confines of George P. Ellsworth elementary school’s modest 1.5 acre campus Where I suffered a humiliating existence for five years During what I now refer to as my “Barbara Walters Period”,

Over by the horrendous magenta modern art jungle gym Built by Jefferson Community College architecture students In some occult homage to Frank Lloyd Wright Which became a local channel 6 public access news sensation Once it was revealed Mayor Frank Bovino had misappropriated funds from the public project And was seen canoodling with a sophomore coed architecture student named Sarah McTarrif Who was sporting a sterling silver heart-pendant Tiffany necklace Purchased with said misappropriated funds Thus catapulting the journalistic career of Channel 6 broadcaster Debra Finster,

(continued)

8

Underneath the tubular plastic red slide Graffitied with the word “SLOPPY” in black spray paint with a stylized dripping effect The most likely perpetrator being Resident bad boy of Woodington Regional High School class of 1998 Elmo Phillips after an evening of chugging Milwaukee’s Best and snorting crushed Xanax Lifted from the purse of Gabby Salmiero’s historically fragile mother, Linda,

Pressed into the rubber mulch product Generated by Dolton & Sons Industrial Supplies and Greeting Cards Corp, LLC from recycled tires Many of which are acquired at minuscule wholesale rates From the pulverized mass of car wrecks At the intersection of Linwood Avenue and Garrison Avenue Due to a faulty traffic light responsible for taking the lives of three people And an adorable dachshund named Toby This past year alone

…is where I think I left my jacket, Mom.

OPPOSITE PAGE:UNAIRED TV —SEX AND THE CITY

Curated by William Truman Williams, “Unaired TV” is a website documenting lost scripts from your favorite TV shows.

Presented here for the first time is a long-forgotten script from Sex and the City entitled “Over Under.”

9

Carrie and Krug climb down the long manhole ladder. We hear distant dripping and the scuttle of rats.

CARRIE BRADSHAW Nooffense,babe,butI’mmoreof an above ground girl.

KRUG We’re almost to the bottom.

Krug’sgnarledfeetreachthesewerfloor.Carrie’sa few rungs above him, carefully descending. Krug glances up her dress with his beady eyes.

KRUG Great view from where I am. CARRIE BRADSHAW Hey!Buymeadrinkfirst,mister--whoa!

CarrieslipsofftheladderandintoKrug’sstrong,gray limbs. Their faces are close now.

KRUG (softly) Now, why’d you do that?

CARRIE BRADSHAW So I could do this.

They kiss. He puts her back on her feet and plunges into the sewer sludge. She investigates her broken shoe.

CARRIE BRADSHAW Ugh, I think I broke my Manolo Blahniks. What if your mom doesn’t like me?

KRUG (wading in shit) My Mom? She’s gonna love you! Now, come on.

Carrie steps into the fecal river and takes Krug’s hand. She puts her head on his calloused shoulder.

CARRIE BRADSHAW (V.O.) As I ventured deeper into the sewers, I began to think: would meeting his parents really take the relationship to the next level? Or was he just like the sewer: full of shit. Maybe

(MORE)

10

THE DAY BIN LADEN DIED

I remember where I was, the day Bin-Laden died.I was in my favorite Chic-fil-A, eating chicken that was fried.When all at once, my phone did ring and no need to explain.But it was 2011, so my ringtone was Lil Wayne.

About halfway through A Milli, I finally picked up the phone,It was my folks in Florida, they were calling from their home.Mom gave the news with growing joy the way a mother can.My excitement burned inside me, like Wayne’s hit single “Fireman”

As the news spread, the people hugged, and many couples kissed.Not since Tha Block Is Hot had we felt a joy like this.Wayne’s later stuff felt confused and flat, like a golfer without a caddy.But this felt like Wayne’s golden years when he was Stuntin’ Like My Daddy.

That was three long years ago, I haven’t liked Lil Wayne latelyNot since that cover of Lollipop that was done by Framing Hanley6 Foot 7 Foot was garbage, How To Love it stunk like trashHis vocals like the screaming, from an automotive crash

I’d thought that mediocrity had become his all new normUntil I heard Tha Carter V, a true return to form.As I listened to “Believe Me” I was so overcome I cried.And I felt the same excitement, as on the day Bin Laden died.