malt lquor money

Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

January 20th, 2008

$800 in Bush Bucks Comin At Ya: Spend it Wisely, Patriots

If the U.S. government learned anything from the much-ridiculed government welfare cheese giveaway of the 1980s, it’s that Saturday Night Live has nothing on our leaders when it comes to conjuring up ludicrous, unbelievable plans to bolster the common weal.

And maybe one other thing, namely that corporations will make more money if you cluster bomb the populace with readily spendable cash. That way the makers of the cheese or cheese substitute get to charge a markup instead of selling wholesale to the government.

So who’s really going to profit from the big $800 government cash giveaway? Let’s follow the money likely to spent on some of America’s favorite consumables:

Crack Cocaine: Local dealer takes a cut, passes on balance to non-tax paying chemists in and out of the U.S. Untold amounts to be funneled back to Republican party.

iPods and Cell Phones: Profits go to shareholders in tech companies and to wages for workers in offshore sweatshops. Yay.

Malt Liquor and Booze: Well, Seagrams is based in Canada. They probably need the money more than we do.

Handguns: Everybody’s favorite accessory, and $800 is enough to buy a nice Glock of nebulous purveyance. Money stays in the U.S., with investors like Cerberus Capital, owners of Remington.

Gambling & Prostitution: Presumably most recipients of the government simoleons will head for

the nearest casino and blow their wad ASAP. Vegas or Indian? It’s all-American either way.

So thanks to the government, you can guzzle a 40 ounce, freebase in a Casino bathroom, bang a varicose-veined prostie, shoot the place up, and then call your lawyer from a brand-new iPhone.

of 10Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

8/29/2008http://www.starkedsf.com/page/20/

And then characterize yourself as an economy-pumping patriot during your trial.

Reminds me of my childhood.

Hooray for the Red, White, and Blue!

Magnificent pimp image from here.

Bush image from here.

Gratuitous Jennifer Lopez image from AskMen.com.

By Paul -- 1 comment

January 19th, 2008

Il Douche Strikes Again with Insane Tax Relief Package

The nebulous $145 billion economic incentive package proposed by Il Douche (the President) reminds me of what people say about raising teachers’ salaries as an incentive:

“Hey, you can’t just throw money at the problem!”

The Bush proposal is more or less the opposite: throwing money we don’t have at a problem we can’t

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define.

It’s also particularly sad to see the president offering murky bread & circuses right before the State of the Union speech.

More importantly, Bush is, as usual, insane, asinine, and cut off from the reality of the American people. Here are some reality-based suggestions for propping up the economy:

� End the hundreds of billions of dollars in corporate welfare disguised as an attempt to establish democracy in Iraq. They don’t want or deserve democracy, and we shouldn’t have to pay Halliburton and Bechtel to profit from an idiotic charade of forcing it on them.

� Want to stay in Iraq? Increase soldiers’ pay and benefits. Americans don’t enlist to

. But if they are in the front lines, they should be the first to receive any money doled out to induce spending.

� Extend unemployment benefits. Based on the limited information available, the Bush plan will not help the unemployed. He doesn’t want to acknowledge their problem, because he doesn’t want to admit the connection between his insane war spending and decline of our economy.

As for the American people, we should band together and impeach Bush if he uses the recession as an excuse to give more money to rich pigs born with a silver spoon in their ass. Here’s Fox’s transcript of Bush’s radio address.

Bush bomb image from here.

By Paul -- 0 comments

January 17th, 2008

Linker Barn: Friday, January 18

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� Holy Sh**: Milt Romney takes Michigan. � Ingram: the story on Digg’s secret editors. � Colbert’s portrait at D.C. bathroom gallery. � Video: How would Halo universe look in Super Mario World? � The Rude Pundit on backdooring Bill O’Reilly with a microphone. � Robot arm becomes giant catapult. � Supernatural success at content crossroads. � Sumsing phone takes your calls and toasts iPods at the same time. � The N Judah claims another life. � Scientology alert: Tom Cruise wants your soul. � 20 analytics tools for blogs. � Eye doctor assistant sued for toe licking.

� The extended debate over extended warranties. � Ready to buy some broadband bonds? � The MySpace murder media scare. � Brit view on U.S. migrant issues. � Starked LA on B-Spears spitting like a camel. � It’s 40 pages of Maxim’s hottest amateurs. � Nina Moric’s bikini bottoms–and tops.

Toilet talker image from here. Fishing image from here.


January 17th, 2008




Defense Sec Gates Praises Troops for Chafing Afghan Taliban

After questioning the readiness of some troops in Afghanistan, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates rephrased initial criticisms of U.S. forces in the area.

While continuing to evince doubt of the U.S. military’s prowess in the area of direct attacks, Gates confirmed his view that the U.S. presence continues to undermine the Taliban with feelings of insecurity like those of someone suffering from a feeling that he forgot to turn off the oven before leaving for work.

Gates further softened his initial remarks by praising Marines for instilling in Taliban fighters “a sense of annoyance” and a feeling of irritation “akin to the heartbreak of psoriasis.”

Several soldiers who asked to remain anonymous referred to Gates as a “nano-dildo” and remarked that the Defense Secretary is “about as useful as balls on a milk cow.”

Flaming unknown comic image from here.


January 16th, 2008

Hillary, Barack to Star in Special Edition of Survivor

Get ready for Survivor: Election 2008, the new presidential election-themed Survivor show soon to hit the screen soon.

Encouraged by recent jousting between candidates Obama and Clinton, producers decided to capitalize on the ferocity of the political hopefuls in a shocking new show. The duration of the series will depend on who wins–and how.

Obama and Clinton will be air-dropped onto a secret island along with comic relief candidates Howard Dean, Wesley Clark, and Tom Vilsack. Each contender will start with a tribe of mental defectives, a distinction defined to include adults who have not bothered to register or vote in the last two elections.

The goal: each candidate will pursue a scorched earth policy, inciting his or her tribe to exterminate all the others. When it ends, the show’s last episode will telecast the ratings-boosting human sacrifice of the losing leaders and any of their followers left alive.

The kicker that the players don’t know about: A Republican version of the same show will be taking place on the other half of the island.




Riot image from Telegraph.co.uk.


January 15th, 2008

Linker Barn: Hump Day January 16

� Fiddling while Rome burns: George Bush Does the Middle East.

� FDA deems cloned animals edible. � AP allowing uploading & monetization. � Internet heroes & villains at ISPA awards. � Check out GoogleBurn hosted by Nick Douglas. � Video: Mitsubishi Concept-RA. � Doc Searls: when social media are neither. � San Francisco’s Elite Retreat scheduled for April. � Gucci, Orange Julius, and Botox anyone? � The amazing Cocoon emergency travel shelter. � The MySpace of Lauterbach murderer. � Huckabee’s secret weapon: evanagelical twins

with internet. � Time to amend the constitution to God’s

standards? � I hope you lose your house, idiot. � Leaked Katie Couric profanity video. � Get creative with the poster generator. � On not killing yourself with a straight razor. � Camel toe-zilla: Beyonce’s extra knuckle. � Eva Mendes: cleavage of the day. � While Janice Dickinson’s boobs seem to be made

of titanium orbs.

All in the Family parody from here.


January 13th, 2008

Linker Barn: Monday, January 14

� Netflix changes position on instant net viewing.





� Sufferin’ Sambo: Is Ron Paul racist? � More on the demise of the American cerebrum. � Steve Gillmor on Dueling Numbskulls. � Changes in blogging: five things to do with your blog in the new year. � Blodget: U.S. Economy Screwed. � Six-pound dog terrifies S.F. mail carrier. � Suicide Girls: When Gizmodo Attacks. � The Red Forman Dumbass Award goes to . . . Arkansas street sign stealers. � Don’t be a dud: visit the Idaho Spud Museum. � Bush to undermine Obama with troop removal head fake? � WOW videos: choose between Shatner, Mr. T, and Verne Troyer. � Secret e-mail embarrasses the Crown in Derek Pasquill Islamic group fiasco. � Green ships duke it out with Japanese whalers. � Ever heard of the Bohemian National Cemetary? � Everybody hates Heather Mills! � Please don’t ogle these Ali Bastian bikini photos. � Bannister ride ends in death. � Bar Refaeli topless in Arena magazine.

Zap Comic image from here.


January 13th, 2008

TestikalNacht: Governator To Take First Born, Left Nuts In Deficit Battle

As part of his




aggressive plan of action to mitigate California’s multi-billion dollar budget deficit, Schwarzenegger is using the National Guard to seize first born children and remove the left testicle of adult men and post-operative male transsexuals.

Schwarzenegger told the press that new problems call for bold solutions, and that he is responding to

critics of possible reductions in educational and park closures.

“As we remove the first born children from the population, it will gradually ramp down educational costs,” the governor explained.

“At the same time,” he continued, “the removal of redundant testicles and concomitant loss of testosterone will reduce men’s desire to visit parks and engage in ‘manly’ outdoor activities, including pregnancies that could increase education costs.”

“The women will be content to remain at home and nag their men in the comfort of their own homes,” Shwarzenegger said.

Taking a hint Silicon Valley leaders like Terry Semel and his Temple of Doom, Schwarzenegger also plans to institute a forward-looking program of human sacrifice. The governor said in a release that the new sacrificial rites are emblematic of a paradigm shift away from a society that values heroic death in value to economically-minded sacrifice for the state.

Those victims who volunteer will receive a along the lines of California’s generous renter’s credit.


January 12th, 2008

Maverick’s: Greg Long Rides It In For 1st


Governor

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Greg Long of San Clemente took first place at Maverick’s today. Although entitled to 30 Gs of the $70,000 in prizes, he’s splitting the dough even with competitors Grant Washburn, Grant “Twiggy” Baker, Evan Slater, Tyler Smith, and Jamie Sterling.

No good estimate at this point on just how big today’s waves were.

Long, ever the surfer, is planning to use his prize money to head west, and the Chron reported that he’s boarding a plane to Hawaii tonight.

Ride on, Greg. . . .

Photo from here.


January 10th, 2008

Linker Barn: Friday, January 11




� It’s on: Maverick’s surfdown on Saturday. � John Kerry rides the Obama train. � Signs of the Meltdown: Fed to cut rates again. � It really blows: suga-free gum linked to bowel problems. � Zango & purported Facebook hack. � Shot down in flames: supervisor Ed Jew (finally) resigns. � Video: Heidi Klum playing with . . . . . � RIP: Sir Edmund Hillary. � Radio piracy as sign of inefficient markets. � Check out the 54 mpg Tata Nano car. � RudePundit copping a squat on Ann Coulter � Amgen reps illegal access to patient records. � Suicide Girls: Ron Paul’s strange bedfellows. � Buzztracker on NH polling fiasco. � Pamela Anderson knocked up by whom–or what? � Drunken Stepfather’s lascivious links of the day.

Maverick’s photo from sfbayaxis.com.


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