Improving Your Ideas

Working on the Body Paragraphs

General Topic

Context for theTopic

Format, purpose,

audience, & task

Writing Situation Celebrities are often considered role models simply because they are famous. Many younger students in your school admire entertainers and athletes. Think about the qualities you look for in a role model.

Directions for WritingIn a letter to a younger student, explain what makes a good role model. Include specific details that a younger student would understand.

2011 Expository

Depth of Development (DoD): the key to Ideas

Controlling Idea (Focus)

Relevant Supporting Ideas

General DetailsSpecific Details

Further elaboration

Example of DoDin a Paragraph

Sample Body Paragraph

At school everyday, from small children to seniors, I see imitations of rappers.. These imitations are disturbing.. Children five years old are using perverted language and inappropriate words because they saw there favorite rapper do it on television.. Students even get in trouble for showing gang signs that they see their role model make.. The dangerous thing is that these signs can get the students hurt because they don’t know the meaning of them..

Supporting Idea

General Detail

Specific Details and Elaboration

Controlling Idea: So kids, if you want to have a role model, that’s cool. Look for good characteristics in the person you look up to though.

Ideas: Score Point 1I think a role model need to be a good

looking person and be famous so some kids can admit her for their model. The role model also have to be smart, famous, Good looking person and she need to have a t.v. show everyday so that kids that admire her can watch her in the t.v. show. I think a role model can be both but I think it just a girl because in my school some girls thinks that a role model need to be cute. I think a role model need to give some money to help some poor people and when there is a hurricane she can go and help them so she can be a hero.

Ideas: Score Point 2Celebrities are often considered role models simply because they are famous. Many younger students in your school admire entertainers and athletes. Think about the qualities you look for in a role model. A role model that we should look up to is a person that stays out of trouble and does the right thing when or whenever there’s nobody around.

A role model shouldn’t set bad examples for young people.. Because they shouldn’t want us growing up doing the same thing they did getting in trouble..

A model that we could look up to is Michael Jordan because he shows us that if you have it rough you can still live your dreams.. He is good because now he is helping the cancer program, sponsoring a basketball team, and helping people who are in need. So he would be a good role model for the young people.

And because we followed our role model we are now going to try our best and grow up and do the best we can.. Then we could grow up and live out our dreams.. Then the kids would try to live out their dreams because they had good role models to look up to when they were young.

So that is what a good role model is to me.

• The writer develops the supporting ideas with few details.

Ideas: Score Point 3What makes a good role model? There are many good qualities for a good role model. They are smart, nice, and funny. They are doing something with their lives. And they are going to teach you right from wrong.

First, you need a role model who is smart, nice, and funny. When you go up to ask them a question on how to do your homework, they would not know.. You don’t need a role model who is so mean.. You wouldn’t be able to have fun because your role model does not know how to have a good time.. And you definetly do not need a role model who’s serious all the time.. If you try to joke around with them, they would tell you to hush.. You have to laugh sometimes..

Second, you need a role model who does something with their life.. Some people are too lazy to get out and work.. They will find the easiest way to get out of work and they won’t go. Some people work hard their entire life and still can’t provide for their family. But I would prefer having a role model that works hard over a role model that doesn’t work at all.

Third, you need a role model that is going to teach you right from wrong.. If you see a person telling a child the wrong thing to do, they don’t need to be a role model.. A child needs to be told the right thing to do.. Because if you don’t have a person telling you right from wrong, you will grow up with the wrong ideas..

In conclusion, there are many qualities for a good role model. You need someone who is smart, nice, and funny, does something with their lives, and who is going to teach you right from wrong. But I think there is only one role model for me, and that is my mom.

• This writer develops the supporting ideas with more details than the previous writer did.

Ideas: Score Point 4Celebrities are often considered role models because they are well known. Some can fall into that category because of their true character, but not many do.

There is much more to a good role model than just being famous. They have to be caring. A role model sets an example for younger and older people alike.

Young people often pick up on the activities of older influences. That is why we should be models for them to look upon. They should be able to think things through rather than to decide on an impulse.

Role models should have a healthy lifestyle. It’s not good to be lying around idle, wasting away your muscles and valuable time. To keep healthy, you need to exercise. They should also eat sensibly. We want them to support other people, just not the junk food industry.

Role models should encourage people to take up a hobby. They should have fun. Not so much a good time that they get out of control, but fun. Maybe a Saturday shopping with a friend or going for a movie would be okay.

Role models must have a nice, clean cut look, too. We can’t have the next generation running around half naked in little scraps of fabric passed off as clothing. That is inacceptable! Young ladies should not want layers of gunk smeared on their faces that makes them “prettier.” A light coating of cosmetics that hints at your features is better. You also don’t want to go trotting around in four inch heels that cause pain and damage to you feet. Girls do not need a whole armful of silver dangling from their wrist, either. You do not need earrings that hang all the way to your shoulders or multiple necklaces strung around your throat.

Think about the people you look up to. Do they have any of the previously mentioned qualities? If they don’t, you might need to talk to them or find someone else. It’s always been a monkey-see-monkey-do concept.

Ideas: Score Point 5For many years, children have idolized a certain athlete, actor, singer, or comedian. These children often refer to the celebrity as his or her role model. These role models may think that some of the things they do are appropriate; however, they don’t realize that children all over the world are watching and imitating their actions.

While at a youth football game, I noticed a nine-year-old boy return a kick.. It was clear the young athlete had a touchdown, outrunning all the defenders.. As the boy approached the inzone, however, he for no reason dove into it.. As I watched the referees throw a flag, I couldn’t help but think of how many times I had seen NFL players do the same dive..

At school everyday, from small children to seniors, I see imitations of rappers.. Children five years old are using perverted language and inappropriate words because they saw there favorite rapper do it on television.. Students even get in trouble for showing gang signs that they see their role model make.. The dangerous thing is that these signs can get the students hurt because they don’t know the meaning of them..

The reason I’ve given these examples is because children, it’s completely fine to have someone to look up to; just be careful.. Many of your athletes are wonderful at what they do, but when you copy a Terrel Owens’ dance or copy Randy Moss acting as if he is mooning the crowd, you’re taking a great deal of respect and discipline out of the game.. When some of you kids act like Snoop Dog and cuss and make gang signs, you’re offending people.. If you want a truly great role model, look for an athlete who performs well, then gives credit to his team, and doesn’t keep it to himself.. Look for an actor or a singer who watches their language at award shows.. Look for a celebrity who has earned the respect of others by doing his or her job, not making scenes or starting fights..

So kids, if you want to have a role model, that’s cool. Look for good characteristics in the person you look up to though. Choose somebody you would be proud to act like when you’re an adult, somebody others would respect and look up to.

The writer develops the supporting ideas with relevant specific details and elaboration.

10-minute IDEAS exercise

Third, you need a role model that is going to teach you right from wrong.. If you see a person telling a child the wrong thing to do, they don’t need to be a role model.. A child needs to be told the right thing to do.. Because if you don’t have a person telling you right from wrong, you will grow up with the wrong ideas..

Specific Detail

• Give an example of a person telling a child the wrong thing to do? (e.g., if you see a person giving a kid cigarettes or beer, they don’t need to be a role model.)

General Detail• If you see a person telling

a child the wrong thing to do, they don’t need to be a role model.

10-minute IDEAS exercise

Third, you need a role model that is going to teach you right from wrong.. If you see a person giving a kid cigarettes or beer, they don’t need to be a role model.

Great start. Elaborate on this detail. In 1-2 additional sentences, explain why it is a bad idea for kids to have cigarettes and beer.

For example… Smoking can kill you and make it hard for you to breathe. Beer makes you fat and lazy.

10-minute IDEAS exercise

Third, you need a role model that is going to teach you right from wrong.. If you see a person giving a kid cigarettes or beer, they don’t need to be a role model. Smoking can kill you and make it hard for you to breathe. Beer makes you fat and lazy.

Okay, great. Now, one more push. In 1-2 additional sentences, give an example of someone you know who avoids cigarettes and beer. Does this person encourage you to avoid them?

For example… My older brother, Jamal, told me this, and I trust him. I will not smoke or drink beer because I promised him that I wouldn’t. Jamal is a great role model.

Better sentences Better paragraphs

Better essays

Third, you need a role model that is going to teach you right from wrong.. If you see a person giving a kid cigarettes or beer, they don’t need to be a role model. Smoking can kill you and make it hard for you to breathe. Beer makes you fat and lazy. My older brother, Jamal, told me this, and I trust him. I will not smoke or drink beer because I promised him that I wouldn’t. Jamal is a great role model.

If you see a person telling a child the wrong thing to do, they don’t need to be a role model..

If you see a person giving a kid cigarettes or beer, they don’t need to be a role model.

For many years, children have idolized a certain athlete, actor, singer, or comedian. These children often refer to the celebrity as his or her role model. These role models may think that some of the things they do are appropriate; however, they don’t realize that children all over the world are watching and imitating their actions.

While at a youth football game, I noticed a nine-year-old boy return a kick.. It was clear the young athlete had a touchdown, outrunning all the defenders.. As the boy approached the inzone, however, he for no reason dove into it.. As I watched the referees throw a flag, I couldn’t help but think of how many times I had seen NFL players do the same dive..

At school everyday, from small children to seniors, I see imitations of rappers.. Children five years old are using perverted language and inappropriate words because they saw there favorite rapper do it on television.. Students even get in trouble for showing gang signs that they see their role model make.. The dangerous thing is that these signs can get the students hurt because they don’t know the meaning of them..

The reason I’ve given these examples is because children, it’s completely fine to have someone to look up to; just be careful.. Many of your athletes are wonderful at what they do, but when you copy a Terrel Owens’ dance or copy Randy Moss acting as if he is mooning the crowd, you’re taking a great deal of respect and discipline out of the game.. When some of you kids act like Snoop Dog and cuss and make gang signs, you’re offending people.. If you want a truly great role model, look for an athlete who performs well, then gives credit to his team, and doesn’t keep it to himself.. Look for an actor or a singer who watches their language at award shows.. Look for a celebrity who has earned the respect of others by doing his or her job, not making scenes or starting fights..

So kids, if you want to have a role model, that’s cool. Look for good characteristics in the person you look up to though. Choose somebody you would be proud to act like when you’re an adult, somebody others would respect and look up to.

The Key Elements of the IDEAS domain

Controlling Idea (Focus)

Relevant Supporting Ideas

General Details

Specific DetailsAnd Elaboration

Common Ways Students Achieve DoD

• Appeal to Facts/Information

• Appeal to Emotion

• Personal Experience

• Humor (get ‘em laughing)

Appeal to Facts/Information

I took a survey at our school to find out how many students looked up to celebrities. The numbers speak for themselves. Over 90% of students said they looked up to a singer, actor, or comedian. The question is: is this a problem? Well, it depends on the celebrity.

Appeal to Facts/Information

Photosynthesis is the process where plant cells absorb the sun’s energy and use it to make food. But how do plant cells do this cellular process, and what do they need to complete it?? Carbon dioxide, water, and sunlight, these are the raw materials that all plants need to survive.. How do these substances travel in and out of autotrophs? The stomata are microscopic, mouth-like holes in the plant’s leaves that allow certain substances in and out, including CO2 (carbon dioxide); for water to get in, it goes through the roots.. After this long, complicated cellular process is over, the autotroph is left with a sweet surprise. Glucose (sugar) or the energy is produced along with oxygen. Oxygen is a waste product, so it will later be released into the atmosphere through the stomata.. Glucose, on the other hand, is very much needed,,so it is stored in the leaves as starch, or sometimes their fruit..

Appeal to Emotion

Some celebrities have way too much influence on teens. Many times, this influence is negative. Teens are told that they need to be paper thin and have the clearest skin, or they amount to nothing. No wonder so many kids struggle with self-esteem.

Personal Experience

While at a youth football game, I noticed a nine-year-old boy return a kick.. It was clear the young athlete had a touchdown, outrunning all the defenders. As the boy approached the inzone, however, he for no reason dove into it.. As I watched the referees throw a flag, I couldn’t help but think of how many times I had seen NFL players do the same dive..

Humor

Honestly, I don’t see what girls see in Bieber. I mean, grow your hair out a little and post a YouTube video of yourself singing. True, I don’t have his voice or his dance moves, but I bet I could beat him in thumb wrestling.