CONTENTSdo you know what’s in your food? ............................................................................................ 4.00

how to eat on a budget ............................................................................................................ 9.00burning calories without working out ......................................................................... 12.00

hater eateries ............................................................................................................. 15.00home brewers ..............................................................................................................................................18.00just quit work ............................................................................................................................................ 22.00

how many forks? .......................................................................................................... 24.00illegal foods .............................................................................................................................. 26.00damaged goods ..................................................................................................................28.00alligator cafe................................................................................................................................................................... 33.00artwhore ............................................................................................................................................................................................ 35.00

do you know what’s in your food? ............................................................................................ 4.00how to eat on a budget ............................................................................................................ 9.00

burning calories without working out ......................................................................... 12.00

hater eateries ............................................................................................................. 15.00home brewers ..............................................................................................................................................18.00just quit work ............................................................................................................................................ 22.00

how many forks? .......................................................................................................... 24.00illegal foods .............................................................................................................................. 26.00damaged goods ..................................................................................................................28.00alligator cafe................................................................................................................................................................... 33.00artwhore ............................................................................................................................................................................................ 35.00

PublisherRedHydrant Media

Editor in ChiefMonique Crump

Creative DirectorVeronica Ramos

Creative ContributorMatthew Oberpriller

Cover ModelLisa Decuir–Hall

WritersDamien RandleLiza LongFellowBrittanie HollandHenry AdasoJason HanselWill RhotenJehnifer Henderson

PhotographersJeanette DegolladoVeronica Ramos

Hater InternJehnifer Henderson

Marketing/AdvertisingMonique Crump214.232.7487Monique@redhydrantmedia.com

Jeffery Crump Jr.817.851.4802Jeff@redhydrantmedia.com

How to reach us:Hatermag.comRedhydrantmedia.com

Hater Magazine is published quarterly. Hater magazine is copyright protected. No articles may be reproduced in whole or part without written consent of Hater magazine. The views expressed in this publication reflect the views of the authors alone and do not reflect the views or policies of the staff and management of Hater magazine. Published by redhydrantmedia.com

“Hooked a left into Popeye’s and bailed out quick, if it’s going down, let’s get it over with.” A favorite line of mine from legendary “Geto Boy” rapper Willie D, not only because in this verse he is facing his imagined killers, but because of its reference to my favorite fast food restaurant, Popeye’s.

Oh, Popeye’s. How I loved thee. And how I would have continued to love thee, until the day I asked myself, “Where did this chicken come from?”

Essentially, whether in a drive-thru or a grocery check-out line, we should all be asking “Where did this food come from?”

There has been a swell of information and discussion on the manufacturing and corporatization of our food. Only a select few Americans can trace their meal back to their local farm. The rest of us are busy hustling through the city and can only trace our meals back to marketed name brands.

The search of how my packaged meal came to be, led me to investigate the culture of industrial farming and the unknown impact of what a simple 2-piece meal has on my health, society and the environment.

...do you know what’s in your food?

BY MONIQUE L. CRUMP

4

According to definition, commercial farming is an agri-business with a high density of stock, utilizing antibiotics, growth hormones and pesticides. So, basically my deep-fried wing and thigh came from a commercial farm where chickens were kept in a production house devoid of light, injected with growth hormones (advancing from baby chick to adult within 3 weeks) and had their organs mature beyond the capacity of their skeletal frame, making them too heavy to walk and flutter. Then the “juiced-up” chicken is left standing in its own feces until gathered onto a truck by undocumented workers and transported to a processing plant.

The altering of nature does not stop with chickens. Cows, pigs, vegetables, and fruit are also getting in on the action. I sat down with Local Chef Monica Pope who owns the celebrated restaurant, T’afia. Pope is passionately committed to local organic ingredients and she expressed concerns over our detachment from our food. “We all have to eat, and we don’t realize what we support. We don’t think about how it was packaged, where it came from, how it got here…”

A month before meeting with Monica, I was ablaze in my quest to track the clandestine pilgrimage of my 2-piece and its origin. To familiarize myself with the practice of industrial farming I home paged F.D.A. watch dog sites, read books critical of America’s agri-business and watched numerous films including the harrowing documentary, “Food Inc.” The documentary immediately curbed my addiction to fast food and my waistline dwindled two sizes. I expressed my surprise

over my weight loss to Monica, because even though I had stopped eating fast food. I was still eating staples like hamburgers 3 times a week. The only difference was, instead of running to Jack in the Box for my hamburger fix, I was cooking the meat myself.Monica explained the conundrum, “I eat whatever I want here (T’afia). Some people ask how Mac and Cheese can be healthy. Well, the way I make it, it is. Now Michael Pollen (author of Omnivore’s Dilemma) has written that you can eat whatever you want as long as you make it. I don’t go to McDonald’s or Taco Bell. I go to other chefs and eat good food and good ingredients.”

Still confused how two burgers are not alike?Well, the difference between the patty from McDonald’s and the organic beef patty I purchased from the butcher is that, in general, processed meats are higher in saturated fat and lower in protein than pure red meats. My three hamburgers a week were also covered with fresher ingredients like romaine lettuce and tomatoes, and when I prepared the meat I did not include excess fat to boost flavor. That excess fat would steer me to obesity.

Numerous studies show obesity has increased among American adults and children, and those percentages are even higher within the great state of Texas. A 2008 study shown 28.3 percent of adult Texans were obese. That’s a lot of fat people. Aside from the unsightliness of swollen guts and muffin tops, obesity leads to life-threatening health problems.

I expressed my shock to Monica that it isn’t illegal to sell people a product that has been genetically altered to “appear” as food, and is chock-full of hormones, coloring and corn-syrup leading to detrimental health. I mean, on the street, if you purchased an eight-ball only to discover it was Gold Medal flour, I’m positive there would be repercussions.

Monica agrees with the banning of this sub-par food: “In the last 120 years the system has fallen apart and we just let it. We have to take more responsibility. Where’s every layer of society involved in where the food comes from and how good it is. We are in a crisis. I’m 47 and I’ve been cooking for about 30 years, I started cooking when I was 17 with my grandmother and I got involved because of family traditions, and at some point about 20 years ago, I felt it. My restaurant is not just a farm to table concept and here’s my menu. I live and breathe and feel it. I feel a lot of responsibility and the weight of it.”

Monica’s restaurant is also the home of the Midtown Farmer’s Market which is in its seventh year running. I spend a Saturday in its throes, ogling produce, eggs and artisan breads before stopping by Monica’s cooking class. It’s a mish mosh of people all looking for pure ingredients to craft their daily meals. Monica speaks highly of the farmer’s market but expresses distress over a recent comment about the popularity of her efforts. “Someone made a comment about my trendy farmers market or my trendy restaurant, and I’m like ‘What is trendy?’ This is something more, and it’s the fact that you can change the world by the way you eat.”

Monica and I discussed whether this disconnect from our food can be turned around and she ends our interview with a bit of advice, “Start a relationship that is going to be satisfying to you. Eat where your food lives.” Monica’s advice launched me to find a farm near my crib, only to discover there wasn’t one.

6

There are community gardens and such but no one raising or willing to sell me a cow. I googled “organic farms in Texas” and discovered the nearest one is Jolie Vue Farm in Brenham. Jolie Vue has an alarming disclaimer on its modest website – “you’re always welcome to see our operations at Jolie Vue Farms. We’re proud of it, and we have nothing to hide. Just call.” Can you imagine? When I asked a former Popeye’s worker where the chicken came from, he laughed and said “a plastic bag off a unmarked truck.”

I made the trek out to the Jolie-Vue Farm to tour the grounds and meet owners, Glen and Honi Ann Boudreaux. Glen doled out delicious mouth-watering bits of barbecue made from the meat raised on his farm while Honi conducted a tour of her farm to us city slickers. During the tour I learned that Jolie Vue was acquired by the Boudreauxs with the goal of restoring the farm to its original state of native grasses, clovers, and wildflowers. In the beginning, restoration was implemented without the use of artificial chemicals. Now, the farm has been transformed from an over-grazed, chemically-sterilized environment to its native vegetation and the wildlife that subsists on it as well.

Truth be told, I was excited to visit a “real” farm and see happy, and healthy animals

like the ones I imagined lived on the Old McDonald’s farm of my childhood.

Looming over the idyllic farm’s landscape was a menacing oil rig that never was. Honi Ann recounted to the tourists how the Boudreauxs stopped the company from drilling because drilling would have destroyed their farm. Seeing how the catastrophic oil spill in our Gulf will reap a lifetime of damage of unknown proportions to our environment, I commend Glen and Honi Ann for choosing to produce a healthy sustainable farm over an oil residual paycheck.

Leaving the farm to return home, I passed plenty of rest stop signs all advertising that a fast food restaurant is just a pit stop away. The glimmer of hope I had began to teeter. My stomach growled louder as I read familiar names like Taco Bell, Wendy’s and even Dairy Queen. But I kept driving, and mentally prepared the delicious meal I would prepare once I arrived home. I recognize that refraining from fast food is a minuscule contribution to curbing this expanding crisis, but this solitary act is going to have an impact on the overall consumption of fast food: demanding better quality of produce and meat and a more humane treatment of animals and workers. I’m making a change by cooking my own 2-piece, one meal at a time.

HO

W T

O E

AT

ON

A B

UD

GE

T

Most of us know what it’s like to have to budget. We grew up in households that lived from paycheck-to-paycheck and now we find ourselves living from hustle-to-hustle. Lucky for you, Hater has developed a guide on how you can live hustle-to-hustle without your stomach ever finding out. Chef Louis Ray has been gracious enough to take on the task of creating a 7-day grocery list on the tight budget of 50 bucks, equipped with recipes and all. You and your stomach can thank us later.

Guiltless Banana French Toast (breakfast)Ingredients:½ of banana mashed1 Egg white½ Tsp. Vanilla extract¼ cup milkTwo slice whole grain white bread¼ Tsp. Cinnamon

Directions:Mix all ingredients except for bread, and cinnamon. Soak bread on both sides in egg and milk mixture. Place soaked bread on pre-heated skillet, and brown on both sides until done. Sprinkle with cinnamon if desired.

Low Fat Patty Melt (lunch)¼ cup sliced onion¼ Lb. ground turkey1 Egg white1 Tsp. 1% milk2 Tsp. and a ¼ cup shredded low fat cheddar cheeseSalt and pepper to taste2 slices of whole grain white bread¼ Tsp. Worcestershire

Reci

pes

and

Gro

cery

list

pro

vide

d by

Che

f Lou

is R

ay

9

Directions:In nonstick skillet, melt Tbsp. of low fat butter. Add onion. Cook, uncovered, med/low heat about ten minutes, or until onion begins to brown. Stir occasionally for two to three minutes. Set aside, until turkey patty is ready. Mix ground turkey, egg white, milk, 2 Tsp. of cheese, Worcestershire, and salt and pepper. Form into patty and cook four to five minutes or until internal temperature of 165 degrees, wipe out skillet with paper towel, lightly butter one side of each slice of bread. Toast one slice of bread place patty on bread, add remaining cheese, then top with onions. Place last slice of bread, gill for two minutes, flip and repeating cooking process. Serve with side salad.

Balsamic Chicken And Peppers (dinner)Ingredients:2 Tbsp. Olive Oil dividedOne chicken breast cut into slicesOne bell pepper slicedFive cherry tomatoes halved¼ Onion sliced thinly¾ Tsp. dried Basil2 Tbsp. balsamic vinegar divided

Directions:Heat one tbsp. of olive oil in skillet and place chicken strips in heated skillet, brown on all sides. Remove from heat when done and set aside. Heat remaining oil in same skillet, add vegetables and cook until tender. Add garlic, and cook for one more minute. Add all remaining ingredients including chicken, cover and reduce to low heat and simmer 20 minutes. Serve over Brown rice.

Grocery list

Lettuce $1.00Loaf whole grain white bread $3.00Brown Rice $2.00Six Bananas $1.20Bag frozen chicken breast $6.00One can of tuna $1.50Rolling Oats (oatmeal) $1.50Whole grain pasta $1.502lbs ground turkey $4.00Dozen eggs $1.50Cherry Tomatoes $2.00Head of broccoli $1.50Jar of pickled Jalapeño $1.00Balsamic vinegar $2.00Two green peppers $1.00Two white onions $ 1.0015 oz can dice tomatoes $1.00Bag low fat cheese (cheddar) $2.50Honey $1.00Sm. Bag raisins $1.50Pint of OJ $1.25Small bag of walnuts $1.25Head of garlic $ .25Lite soy sauce $ $1.20Bag of carrots $1.50One bunch green onions $.50Basil $2.00Cinnamon $ 1.00Half gallon 1% Milk $1.50

Need a Chef? Contact Chef Louis Ray portablepantry01@yahoo.com

Summer is here, ladies and gents. Ima need you to embrace the summer heat and step away from the KFC Double Down. We at Hater understand that not everyone has the time or energy to work out, but here are a few simple things that can help you burn calories and shed pounds while avoiding the gym at all costs … and we do mean ALL costs.

•Drink more water … ditch the sodas. It’s simple. It’s hot as fuck out here and soda is not hydrating you. It’s not doing anything but insulating that ass more! Put the sugary beverage down and step away from the vending machine.

•Flesh eating bacteria. This is a time-trusted way to shed many pounds of … well … flesh. Get yourself to the Ben Taub ER and hug the mangiest dude you can find.

•Go through a breakup or lose your job. Separation anxiety and stress are great ways to lose weight. Just make sure you aren’t the type of person that comfort eats. Things could go really wrong.

•Pick up a crystal meth habit. The average tooth weighs around 2.5 grams. By the time meth has eaten all 32 teeth, you have a net loss of 80 grams or .176 pounds. It might not seem like much, but when coupled with hair and bone density loss, it adds up!

•Your leg is roughly 20% of your body weight … just sayin’.

•Start smoking. Cigarettes … not weed. Again, things could go really wrong.

•Go out! Dancing + liquor = inadvertent weight loss. Skip the beer. Beer is why my daddy looks pregnant.

•Walk to the weed man. You don’t want to be ridin’ around with that shit. How many times has a cop stopped you for walking?

•If a cop does stop you for walking, run. You will optimize your caloric burn and evade arrest at the same time. Two birds, one stone.

•Suck it up and accept the leaky butt. You might look like you just sat in bacon grease, but you will be fine as hell from the front.

•Sex. It’s exercise in disguise. Get you a physically fit partner and try new shit. If by the end of the night you aren’t tied to or hanging from something, you aren’t doing it right.

Follow some of these simple steps and, if you make it to the height of summer without losing everything, you will be the flyest person at the party

BURN CALORIES WITHOUT

WORKING OUTby Jehnifer Henderson

12

Hater EateriesA collage of our favorite places to eat

15

Hater Eateries Cafe Flores6606 Lawndale Street #100Houston

Raja Quality Restaurant-Sweets5667 Hillcroft StreetHouston

Tacos a Go-Go3704 Main StreetHouston

London Sizzler Indian Bar & Grill6690 Southwest FreewayHouston

Bombay Pizza914 Main StreetHouston

The Broken Spoke Cafe1809 Washington AveHouston

Les Givral’s2704 Milam StHouston

Lankford Grocery & Market88 Dennis StreetHouston

Stanton’s1420 Edwards StreetHouston

t’afia3701 Travis StreetHouston

El Rey910 ShepherdHouston

The Breakfast Klub3711 Travis @ AlabamaHouston

HomeBrewersby Brittanie Holland

18

The first thing you learn when you take the tour at Houston’s Saint Arnold Brewery is that Jimmy Carter is the greatest President in the history of the United States. Why? As brewery founder Brock Wagner explains, in 1979 Jimmy Carter signed a bill officially repealing restrictions on home-brewing that had been in place since the Depression and Prohibition eras. Fifteen years later, a group of home-brewers shipped their first keg of beer, and the Saint Arnold Brewery was born.

Not every home brewer has dreams of opening their own brewery though. Most get into it for the fun of alchemy. Starter home brewing kits are available on the internet for as cheap as $40, and that’s how Houston brewer Calvin Medders got started five years ago.

“I think it was the science behind it,” he said. “You can go into it because you want to make beer, or you can go into it because it bubbles and ferments. You can get as in-depth as you want.”

Brewing beer is a fairly simple process. You need as few as four ingredients: malt, hops, yeast and water. In the first step, you create a sugary substance called wort by cooking your starch, usually malted barley, in water. This process is called mashing — the starches are broken down into sugars which will be used to feed the yeast. When the yeast consumes the sugars, the byproducts they create include carbon dioxide (which causes carbonation) and ethanol, or the stuff that makes you feel good after a few pints. Hops are added after the mash process to create different flavors and aromas.

Medders’ first kit included a 5-gallon bucket and malt extract, a kind of shortcut in the brewing process. “You just mix the extract in,” he said. “There are certain grains that have color and sugars added to them. If you’re brewing from extract that stuff’s already been converted to sugars. You’re skipping the mash step.”

“You need as few as four ingredients: malt, hops, yeast and water.”

After five years of brewing with extract, Medders is about to start all-grain brewing. This means he’ll be including the mash step in his process, which will now be much more involved. “Once you get into the all-grain, you’re talking about getting into two or three vessels. Everything has to be so sterile. It will take all day to brew 10 gallons,” he said. Depending on what style of beer he’s making, the fermentation process can last anywhere from 3 days to a month. Most of the beer he makes goes towards his running club’s gatherings. “If you’re brewing 10 gallons of beer it’s too much to have around the house.”

Sterility is a big factor in how a batch of beer will turn out. The other is experimentation with flavors and hops. But Medders said he’s only had one undrinkable batch.“Only once, this last time. I actually changed to a bigger brew pot and used pearl hops. It was bad.”That’s not to say that home-brewing doesn’t have its caveats. One of the biggest mistakes in home-brewing is not allowing enough CO2 to gas off during the fermentation process. If too much gas builds up, the beer containers can explode. “I’ve multiple times had to clean the walls and the ceiling from the tops popping off,” he said.

In Clear Lake, another group of home-brewers are getting ready to take their hobby to the next level. Brother-sister team Trevor Brown and Heather Bolla, along with Brown’s wife Christi, decided to start home brewing after a night of beers at their favorite bar, Boondoggles. For four years they’ve been brewing out of Brown’s garage under the name Lone Pint — and giving away nearly every keg of beer, since they don’t yet have a license to sell alcohol. They’re registered as an LLC, but laws prohibit the sale of alcohol from a person’s home address. Brown is trying

to sell his house here so he can move out west and buy a warehouse or some land near Bastrop to house the brewery. “As soon as he sells his house he’s moving west. Until we get property, we can’t apply for a license,” Bolla said.

In the meantime, the Lone Pint crew are perfecting their recipes, which include a collection of seasonal flavors and three signature beers — 667: Neighbor of the Beast, a citrusy IPA; Zeno’s Pale Ale, a bitter pale; and Lily & Seamus, a blonde ale. “We brew a couple of times a month, 20 gallons per batch, and we end up drinking most of that ourselves between the two households because we both have kegerators. It’s bad.”

Lone Pint does occasional tastings and donates beer to events. They’ve had tastings at The Petrol Station in The Heights and at Chelsea Wine Bar in Clear Lake. They hope to be up and running in a brewery by 2012.

An incentive for home-brewers is every six months or so Saint Arnold’s releases Divine Reserve, a coveted single-batch of beers, each brewed from a unique recipe. In 2006, 2007 and 2009, Divine Reserve recipes were based off recipes from home brewers who had won the brewery’s Big Batch Brew Bash, the largest single-style home brewing competition in the world.

Medders said that home-brewers who are just getting started have an excellent resource in the Internet — everything from mail order kits to home-brewing forums. “Youtube has all kinds of stuff — you can actually go in and watch a guy harvest yeast from his favorite beer. So, home-brewing can be as complicated or simple as you want.”

NO SUCH POTLUCK

JQW

just quit workby damien randle

NO SUCH POTLUCK

Like most of you, I spend about 9 hours a day crammed in an office with a bunch of people that I honestly couldn’t care less for. Because of this necessary evil, I have come to view my lunch hour as an almost sacred break in my day; that piece of serenity and solitude that helps me deal with the assholes around me. I make it a point to eat lunch away from the office, out of sight and mind. Unfortunately, a wrench gets thrown in my plans a couple of times a year: the dreaded potluck.

It usually happens around Thanksgiving. Somebody in the office decides that we should all come together and throw a pot-luck lunch, usually under the guise of some “team building” bullshit. I’d rather throw some money in a pot and order something for delivery. The potluck reads like a book. All the ladies in the office (who never cook at home on a regular basis) suddenly conjure up a “special” dish that “everybody loves”, and allegedly only whip it out for special occasions. In reality, it’s usually some made up shit-tasting casserole that they could never cook for anyone who actually knew them, because their friends and family already know that whatever this casserole is could likely send you to the hospital.

Somebody takes it upon themselves to make a list of dishes that should be made available at the potluck: a few entrees, a few sides, a few desserts. Ultimately, NOBODY follows this list, and revert to conjuring up the rancid concoction that I mentioned in

the previous point. Inevitably, 4 or 5 people are going to bring different variations of the same dish. You’re going to have at least 3 different green bean casseroles. Half of your co-workers are going to bring the same dry, unseasoned turkey. Three or four macaroni dishes. And all of that shit is going to taste like kitty litter.

Then you have the group of lazy bastards like myself who refuse to contribute one ounce of effort to this catastrophe. I’m good for volunteering to bring plates and napkins, since everyone invariably forgets about those. And if I’m feeling especially jovial, I’ll bring some cheap, grocery-brand soda or some thrift store cookies. Most people are used to cooking for only 4 people, and they carry that practice into a potluck. On the rare occasion that someone has a semi-decent dish, you can’t really get into it because they have to ration out spoon-sized portions to 20 people. The cheap-ass grocery store cakes can go fuck themselves. If you’re gonna get a cake, get a real one. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten the runs from someone’s last-second run to the store to get a pre-made cake.

The biggest downside of the potluck is the unspoken requirement to remain in every-one’s company while you’re consuming the gruel that they try to pass as food. The small talk alone is unbearable, but trying to conceal my disgust beneath a forced smile has to be the worst feeling in the world.

22

As a kid I trained myself to eat like a slob. I would grab handfuls of food to stuff my face, lean on my elbows all on the table, talk with my mouth full, pretty much all kinds of uncouth behavior. Today as a grown ass man not much has changed. Now I’ve got new ways to come off like a savage thanks to a barrage of text messages, email updates, alarm clocks, phone calls, and every other notification I can’t figure out how to turn off. I peep all these manners and etiquette articles trying to step my game up, but it’s all the same; common sense with extrava-gant importance.

Super unnecessary.

Sometimes I ain’t got the time to wipe my mouth, especially if I’m slaying some wings. Let me do me. None of these 1954-esque “rules” have to do with the real task at hand. EATING. You think the lions, tigers, and bears mind etiquette when they’re chomping down on prey and zoo keepers? Fuck no. We live in the food chain, baby. I gave it a chance though. I made the attempt to apply some of their techniques to my daily ravaging of meals to super annoying results.

1) “When your host or hostess picks up their fork to eat, then you may eat. Do not start before this unless the host or hostess insists that you start eating. Wait until all are served at your table before beginning to eat.”

Get the fuck outta here. I’ve been waiting all day to dig into something delicious and you want me to wait on everyone else to get their eat on first? Ludicrous. Can I not be a pioneer of this dinner table shit? What about my cousin that just got out of jail and came over for dinner? He ain’t waiting for NOBODY to dig into real food again. He already don’t like rules anyway.

2) “Food is served from the left. Dishes are removed from the right.”

Crip and Blood logic in dinner etiquette?

3) “Should a lady wish to be excused for the bathroom, it is polite for the gentlemen to stand up as she leaves the table, sit down again, and then stand once more when she returns.”

These assholes want to turn eating into a workout. Ladies, let me know the next time you don’t feel creeped out when you don’t know a thing about these dinner rules and you got guys hopping up and down like musical chairs all around you.

Fat Tony is a rapper, residing in 3rd Ward, Texas.

Fattonyrap.comFattonyrap.blogspot.com

HOW MANY FORKS...?By Fat Tony

24

Illegal Foods

Illegal Foods

FOIE GRASUsually anything that sounds as fancy as foie gras would not only be sought after, but hunted down with fiery diligence by the foodie slaves lining Central Market’s aisles. Well, not so in sunny California, where the Governator signed into law a ban on the delectable (?) goose liver. Apparently, one of your favorite characters from Charlotte’s Web was being force-fed to increase the size of his or her liver for human enjoyment. The pictures aren’t pretty, but neither is the end product. Enjoy with fava beans.

RAW MILKThe lactose intolerant need to watch out. The rebels of the dairy world are out to change the way you eat your Lucky Charms in the morning. In these circles, Louis Pasteur is a curse word and even the organic milk you currently find in your grocer’s freezer is yet another arm of The Man. According to the FDA, milk straight from a cow’s unassuming udder is the Devil’s juice. Proponents claim it helps alleviate allergies, learning disabilities and basically anything else your whiny cube-mate complains about on a daily basis. Happy cows only produce pasteurized milk. Enjoy with anything but cookies.

BELUGA STURGEON CAVIARYum – fish eggs. The U.S. has banned any importation of this type of caviar due to the Beluga Sturgeon’s recent addition to the endangered species list. Apparently, eating any chance of future fishies on flavorless crackers interfered with the reproductive cycle. The gelatinous balls pregnant with the hopes and dreams of Beluga Sturgeon parents are still considered a delicacy and the U.S. ban has not stopped everyone else in the world from searching and devouring these eggs. Enjoy with friends who don’t mind a person who eats with their pinky in the air.

MOONSHINEJust like Pappy used to make! Sure, it could make you go blind, was distilled under questionable circumstances and tasted more like our modern day rubbing alcohol than a refreshing mint julep, but dammit – it was homemade! Even in our modern, internet-laden times, people are still out there making Moonshine and the ATF is still out there dumping it into the fertile American soil. It’s your right to go out and get soused, but remember, the means to your drunkenness must have had a tax leveled on it. Enjoy with Pappy’s famous squirrel soup.

CHEERIOSThose innocuous whole grain “o”’s hide a deeper story of intrigue. The FDA put it’s foot down when General Mills started hyping their flagship brand of Cheerios and other Cheerio siblings as a good way to lower cholesterol. Innocent enough when you make the cognitive leap of whole grain and your heart, but not for the FDA. One day soon, you might find your favorite Cheerio right next to your dad’s prescription for Lipitor, since the government felt claims at lowering cholesterol made the classic American breakfast sound a little too much like a drug. It gives a whole new meaning to “mother’s little helper.” Enjoy with raw milk.

A GUIDE TO ILLEGAL FOOD & YOUR TASTE BUDSBY LIZA LONGFELLOW

Food is a contentious issue. According to the media, Americans are a bunch of fatties strolling around public spaces eating ice cream cones and savoring deep-fried Twinkies without abandon, forcing our ever-more corpulent bodies into gas-guzzling SUVs. But just as we demand our right to freedom of speech and the right to receive food through drive-thru car windows, it’s truly hard to imagine a situation where any food (no matter how cellulite-inducing it may be) would be deemed ILLEGAL. Even here, in the land of the free and the home of the brave, The Man has set limits on what we can eat. Granted, not how much we can eat (I can just hear nutritionists across the country changing “serving size!”) just what food passes our bar-b-que lined lips. Here’s a sample:

26

I first met fellow Oak Cliffian, Cool from Damaged Goods, posted up curbside at a local bar. And when he mentioned his group, I had heard the name, but really didn’t know much about what they were doing. I made a point to check one of their shows and was instantly blown away by their showmanship.

These dudes get rowdy, like hip hop sex pistols with comic relief. I recently sat down with the duo Trak Bully and Cool Dundee and asked them a few questions to get familiar with what they’re all about.

1. How did DMG$ form? We were on the same basketball team in college. We were both working with a guy in the dorms named Chad Cook. Theodore did a really dope song about some “ignant” stuff that was going on at the school, and from that song we decided to work on music together. Looking back at it now, it was a pretty organic process.

2. You guys have a lot of energy on stage (I have seen it first hand). What fuels the fire?We are really blessed to even be alive and doing this, so that plays a big part in it. We like seeing people have fun, so we try and give the crowd as much energy as we can. Plus, we aren’t huge fans of standing in one place and holding our nuts.

3. Tell us a bit about the “Spread Love Not Germ$” project.

It’s our prescription for the world we live in today. We made a soundtrack for the charity events that we put together. We did shows where admission was a donation, and invited the coolest people we know to perform. We are working to make the next one bigger and better.

4. You have worked with a variety of up and coming artists: Prince William, Johnny Moog, Xrabit…Who would you like to work/build with in the future?Well, right now we just hope to first meet artists/people who are genuine. We aren’t the type of people that want to create with you if there is some type of negative energy, hidden agendas, etc. We also haven’t spent a lot of time with many artists, so we can’t really answer this. We guess once we have chilled with more people, then we will be able to answer this question better. Haha. But it would be interesting to see what musical ideas come from a convo with Frankie Beverly, Earth,Wind, and Fire, Kate Bush or Bootsy Collins.

5. Anything we should keep our ears out for? Does DMG$ have new material in the works?We are just creating a lot right now, not putting a time limit on things. Just creating. But when everything is ready – the funk will be served.

Follow DMG$www.twitter.com/TheRealDMGwww.DamageisGood.com

DAMAGED GOODSby Will Rhoten

28

Devin the DudeIf you come to a Devin the Dude concert hoping to catch a glimpse of him, you’d have to wait at least two hours for the smoke to clear. When Devin performs, the venue literally goes up in smoke. A weed connoisseur might even be able to detect about 420 different flavors in the air.

Tonight, Devin is decked out in sharply creased white pants, a green tee, and a pair of white Adidas with green laces. He seems to favor the color green – but we’re sure it’s because he’s environmentally conscious. He treats the crowd to choice cuts from his catalog, including 5 or 6 songs from his latest disc, Suite 420. After the show ends, and the smoke clears, we catch up with Devin backstage. We eventually learn that he adores Cookie Crisp and is on a lifelong mis-sion to perfect his mom’s meatloaf recipe.

There’s something endearingly cool about Devin Copeland. Unlike most rappers, he emits a friendly disposition. He’s probably never even heard of a mean mug. His jokes are typically about how hard being harmless can be. Over the years, he’s morphed into a revered-rap-raconteur in the veins of his idol Slick Rick.

While his music is sometimes dipped in lyrical allusions to the power of ganja, he’s always tot-ing a bag full of beautifully nuanced anecdotes. Other rappers use ganja as a crutch; Devin uses it as a canvas to bounce off clever tales. Powered by his ultra smooth delivery and mid-tempo beats, the songs on the aforementioned Suite 420, drive specific ideas (everything from relationship woes to financial struggles) and work together to form a sonic jenga.

BY HENRY ADASO

Devin the DudeWhen he’s not busy crafting rhymes, Devin enjoys cooking. He swears by his mom’s meat loaf, which he says is his favorite meal to cook at home. “My mama makes the best meat loaf,” says Devin with a big grin. “I always try to perfect her meatloaf, but I can never do it like she do it.”

Devin’s Weed Brownie Recipe

•You’ll need two pots of different sizes. Pour some water in the larger one and put butter in the small one. Now put the small pot inside the larger one and you’re ready to melt down the butter.

•After the butter has melted, add the weed.

•Simmer the mixture for about 25 min and remember to stir it every few minutes.

•Give it a few minutes to cool down a bit and then strain out the butter into a deep plate or a bowl.

•Squeeze all the juice out of it and put aside to cool down.

•Once cooled to room temperature put in fridge for few hours to coagulate.

• Now follow the directions on the back of your favorite Duncan Hines or Betty Crocker Brownie mix.

30

Sitting in a booth at Alligator Cafe are three Lakewood debutantes, sipping wine and enjoying some fried pickles. Peanut the Pimp and his three hoes sit next to them at the front tables drinking High Lifes and waiting for whole catfish to go. This is a common scene for Chef Ivan Pugh at Alligator Cafe, a Cajun restaurant he opened in 2004 from the remains of an old Kentucky Fried Chicken. “Cajun food breaks down social barriers,” Pugh said. “The commonality is appreciation of some good grub.”

The restaurant has earned several “best of” awards from the Dallas Observer over the years—Best Cajun, Best Fried Catfish, Best Root Beer—as well as positive reviews from critics and customers alike. It all rests on Pugh’s pursuit of high-quality food with good taste.

“Mainly, I choose things I do well. Other things like jambalaya, po’ boys, gumbo and éttouffée, I put on because you have to have them, and they are a part of my roots,” Pugh said. “The Cajun Fettuccine and the Crawfish Enchiladas are original recipes I came up with at some point in my career. And a few things like chicken strips, salads, burgers and wings, I have on there so I don’t turn away anyone who doesn’t dig Cajun food—it gives the menu balance.”

Pugh has lived in East Dallas since 1982, graduated from Woodrow Wilson High

School and has been in the restaurant business since he was 15 years old, waiting tables, working at an ice cream shop, frying chicken. “I started cooking in college when I was 20 and never looked back,” he said. “I guess that’s 20 years. I’ve always had cooking skills. We were poor, and I had six brothers and sisters, so cooking at home and not eating out were the order of the day. My siblings were all good at music, art or fixing things, so they spent time doing that. I liked to eat, so I spent time in the kitchen helping my mom.” Pugh worked as a catering chef in night clubs for several years. And then, Prime Time arrived.

“Dallas Cowboy, Deion Sanders, owned one of the night clubs,” Pugh said. “When he found Jesus and wouldn’t go to the club to eat anymore, I went and worked for him at his house for about two years feeding his family and friends.” Pugh would love to expand Alligator Cafe. For the time being, though, he’s happy to work and cook for the eclectic clientele that walks through his doors. “I’ve never worked or been to a restaurant that has such diversity in clientele,” he said. “The food is good, and it’s affordable, plus it’s in a hipster version of the ghetto.”

Alligator Cafe4416 Live Oak StreetDallas, TX 75204-6719(214) 821-6900www.eatgator.com

ALLIGATOR CAFÉChef Ivan Pugh / By Jason Hensel

33

35

The first thing you notice about Wu-tang enthusiast and illustrator, Matthew Oberpriller is his ginger Rick-Ross like beard. I joke with him and ask if he is growing it for religious reasons. He laughs and recounts an incident, peppered with the use of “dude” and “bro”, of being held hostage in a convenient store by the beard-wearing owner who condemned Matt for his tattoos. “He kept saying it was a sin to have tattoos on the body and I was going to hell, but he was the one selling 3 dollar snicker bars.” The real reason for allowing the unruly growth on his chin is not as glamorous as growing it for Allah, “I just got tired of shaving and always wanted one, so I said fuck it, I’m a half-Mick hustla.”Oberpriller is now hustling his illustrations through Hater as our featured artist.

What is your specialty? Illustration, painting, taking cute things and giving them an evil persona.

What is your drug of choice? Sharpies and whatever paint is not dried.

Have you always used sharpies? I’ve always used sharpies. Those are my shit.

I’ve always liked ink drawings, they’re so cool, there’s no faking the funk. If you mess up you can’t put a big black dot over it. What you see is what you get.

When did you realize you wanted to be an illustrator? When I realized I could get PAID!

If you could hang out with one artist living or dead who and why? Pimp C, everybody sees him talking about street life or whatever, but dude had some knowledge on him. I’d like to sit and listen to him break down the world. He stood for the underdog and that’s what’s up.

Are you from Houston? Born and raised. We moved around growing up though. We lived off W. Tidwell for like 4 or 5 years and we were the only white family in like three complexes, it was gnarly. That’s where I started my degree in the streets, Good Times. Other than that the Heights.

Do you have any words for any artist trying to get out there? Be original.

Matthew Oberprillerby Veronica Ramos

DISTRIBUTION

HOUSTONDomy Books1709 Westheimer Rd.

Artist Front2205 Washington Ave.

Aerosol Warfare Gallery2110 Jefferson St.

Cactus Music2110 Portsmouth St.

The Tipping Point1212 Main St.

Houston Community College Central811 Dallas St.

Caroline Collective4820 Caroline St.

The Art Insitute of Houston1900 Yorktown St.

Premium Goods 2416 Times St.

Café Brasil 2604 Dunlavy St.

K.P.F.T. 419 Lovett Blvd.

Melodrama Boutique 5306 Almeda Rd.

Absinthe609 Richmond Ave.

Kingpinz8584 Westheimer Rd.

SF2215 W. Greens Rd

Soundwaves 3509 Montrose St.

Walters on Washington4215 Washington Ave

DALLASIn Accord2719 Main St.Dallas, TX, 75226

July Alley2809 Elm StDallas, TX 75226

www.hatermag.com