Good GriefGood Grief

How grieving is necessary in How grieving is necessary in overcoming loss and tragedyovercoming loss and tragedy

Five stages of griefFive stages of griefFrom time to time, everyone experiences grief for one reason or another. It is From time to time, everyone experiences grief for one reason or another. It is

important to realize that there is a grieving process and that the process takes time, important to realize that there is a grieving process and that the process takes time, but you will heal.but you will heal.

Stage One: Denial

“This can't be happening to me". No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

Stage Two: Anger

“Why me?“ Feelings of wanting to fight back, get even, or blame others.

Stage Three: Bargaining

Attempting to make deals with yourself or others to undo the harm.

Stage Four: Depression

Feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, lack of control, and feeling numb.

Stage Five: Acceptance

Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing.

Throughout this process, get help from friends, family, and the school counselor.

Stage One: DenialStage One: Denial

““Surely this isn't happening to me.” Everything's really Surely this isn't happening to me.” Everything's really okay.okay.

Denial is powerful, effective, and sometimes essential for Denial is powerful, effective, and sometimes essential for dealing with crisis. There is a time and a place in which dealing with crisis. There is a time and a place in which denial is perhaps the most healthy response. Eventually, denial is perhaps the most healthy response. Eventually, however, there is a time and place for denial to end so you however, there is a time and place for denial to end so you can confront the problem and begin the healing process. can confront the problem and begin the healing process.

Then in the middle of healing, you may resume your denial. Then in the middle of healing, you may resume your denial. That's okay. That's normal. That's sort of what's supposed That's okay. That's normal. That's sort of what's supposed to happen when you're grieving. to happen when you're grieving.

Stage Two: AngerStage Two: Anger

Anger is normal and sometimes appropriate. Let's Anger is normal and sometimes appropriate. Let's be honest, sometimes you have been directly or be honest, sometimes you have been directly or indirectly wronged. indirectly wronged.

However, your primary task in dealing with anger, However, your primary task in dealing with anger, of course, is to acknowledge and accept the of course, is to acknowledge and accept the feelingsfeelings of anger you have…either toward yourself of anger you have…either toward yourself or others, while at the same time avoiding or others, while at the same time avoiding behaviorsbehaviors that will hurt yourself and others. that will hurt yourself and others.

Stage Three: BargainingStage Three: Bargaining

Bargaining is not negotiating; that's an entirely different use Bargaining is not negotiating; that's an entirely different use of the term. Also, bargaining is not a plan that you work out of the term. Also, bargaining is not a plan that you work out in counseling. in counseling.

I'm speaking here of the desperate, "I'll do anything -- just I'm speaking here of the desperate, "I'll do anything -- just tell me what" kind of statements that people make when tell me what" kind of statements that people make when grieving. This is the most painful stage of the grieving grieving. This is the most painful stage of the grieving process because you are so willing to do anything to process because you are so willing to do anything to change the situation. change the situation.

That doesn't mean, though, that it's wrong to engage in That doesn't mean, though, that it's wrong to engage in bargaining behavior. Again, it's a normal part of the bargaining behavior. Again, it's a normal part of the process. It's just that you need to move through it so you process. It's just that you need to move through it so you can continue the grieving process. And just like denial, can continue the grieving process. And just like denial, bargaining will pop back up when you thought you were bargaining will pop back up when you thought you were past all that; again, that's normal.past all that; again, that's normal.

Stage Four: DepressionStage Four: Depression

Depression is merely a different flavor of anger. Instead of Depression is merely a different flavor of anger. Instead of being directed at others, depression is anger you turn being directed at others, depression is anger you turn toward yourself. Not surprisingly, then, your task is to toward yourself. Not surprisingly, then, your task is to handle depression in the same way you do anger -- to handle depression in the same way you do anger -- to acknowledge and accept the acknowledge and accept the feelingsfeelings you have of your own you have of your own unworthiness without unworthiness without actingacting on those feelings to hurt on those feelings to hurt yourself or others. yourself or others.

Like I did with bargaining, I need to clarify here the way in Like I did with bargaining, I need to clarify here the way in which I use the term "depression." I'm not speaking here of which I use the term "depression." I'm not speaking here of the clinical depression that is so prevalent in divorce. I'm the clinical depression that is so prevalent in divorce. I'm speaking instead of the normal, temporary feelings nearly speaking instead of the normal, temporary feelings nearly everyone has during the grieving process. everyone has during the grieving process.

Stage Five: AcceptanceStage Five: Acceptance

There is a difference between resignation and acceptance. There is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly.You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly.

Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind).right frame of mind).

Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person. personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

Getting HelpGetting Help

Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. believe that now, just know that it is true.

To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again.again.

Helping others through something we have experienced is Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to facilitate our healing and bring good out a wonderful way to facilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic. of something tragic.