men, fathers, families and losses: spirituality and grieving ted bowman family and grief educator
TRANSCRIPT
MEN, FATHERS, FAMILIESAND LOSSES:
SPIRITUALITY AND GRIEVING
TED BOWMANFAMILY AND GRIEF EDUCATOR
ASSERTION:
We are influenced and shaped by a number of factors including :
1)The decade in which we were born2)The place and culture of our birth3)The values and practices of adults
of influence4)Family systems5)Race, ethnicity, gender, age of
parents6)Socio-economic realities
The Things We’ve Handed Down
Will you laugh just like you motherWill you sigh like your old manWill some things skip a generationLike I’ve heard they often canAre you a poet or a dancerA devil or a clownOr a strange new combination ofThe things we’ve handed down Marc
Cohn
ANOTHER ASSERTION!
We are also influenced and shaped by: the ways losses were perceived and addressed
The test of a family's mettle is the way they handle conflict and grief
Virginia Satir
EXPECTATIONS
When expectations about the course of life are not met, people experience inner chaos and disruption. Such disruptions represent a loss of the future. Restoring order to life necessitates reworking understandings of the self and the world, redefining the disruption and life itself.
Gay Becker
WHAT ONE SEEMSSometime since then and thereThe dreams, Planted as perennials,Turned out to be annuals instead.Sometime between there and then
and here and nowThe rules changedWhile play continued.The man I am Chose not to be the man I had
envisioned.The game goes on.
Essentially, the only instrument we bring to the helping process is ourselves. Hence, the more self aware we are the more present we can be in the helping exchange.
Paraphrased from comments by Virginia Satir
•What Is One Practice / Value / Way Of Responding to Losses That You Were Exposed To As A Child That You Have Let Go Of?
•What Is One Practice / Value / Way Of Responding to Losses That You Have Chosen To Continue?
•What Is A New Perspective / Value That You Are Now Practicing?
FAMILY SYSTEMS:RESEARCH AND THEORY
BASIC PRINCIPLES
THE WHOLE IS GREATER THAN THE SUM OF ITS PARTS
EVERY PART OF A SYSTEM AFFECTS AND IS AFFECTED BY EVERY OTHER PART OF
THE SYSTEM
INTERDEPENDENCE / INTERRELATED
STILL MORE
FAMILY SYSTEMS CAN AND WILL INCLUDE FAMILY HISTORIES, PERCEPTIONS, BELIEFS, AND
YEARNINGS;
SPOKEN AND UNSPOKEN MESSAGES,
LONG PASSED EVENTS;
AND BOTH THE DEAD AND THE LIVING.
TRANSFERENCE
THE RELIVING OF PAST INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS IN CURRENT SITUATIONSA tool that allows one to bring material from the past into conscious awarenessA way to work through issues so that they are not repeated in destructive ways
UNBUCKLING HIS BELT
At night,with my wifesitting on the bed,I turn from herto unbucklemy beltso she won't seeher fatherunbucklinghis belt. Martin Espada
If I Am Not Modeling What I Am Teaching
I Am Teaching Something ElseUniv. of Missouri – St. Louis: School of Education
Never Separate the Life You Live From the Words You Speak
Paul Wellstone
L O S S REFERS TO BEING DEPRIVED OF OR CEASING
TO HAVE SOMETHINGTHAT ONE FORMERLY POSSESSEDOR TO WHICH ONE WAS ATTACHED
GRIEF IS A WHOLE BODY RESPONSE TO LOSS:
EMOTIONAL
COGNITIVE
SPIRITUAL
VISCERAL
CATEGORIES OF LOSS
•MATERIAL LOSSES
•RELATIONSHIP LOSSES
•HEALTH LOSSES
•ROLE OR FUNCTIONAL LOSSES
•SYSTEMS LOSSES
•LOSS OF DREAMS
DIFFERENTIAL GRIEVING
INTUITIVE GRIEVING (intensity of affect over cognition)
INSTRUMENTAL GRIEVING(focus on cognition/moderated
affect)
BLENDED GRIEVING(a combination of the above)
Martin and Doka
INTUITIVE PATTERN•FEELINGS INTENSELY
EXPERIENCED
•EXPRESSIONS MIRROW INNER EXPERIENCES (TEARS, CRYING)
•CONFUSION, DISORGANIZATION, DISORIENTATION CAN RESULT
•PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION AND/ORANXIETY MAY RESULT
INSTRUMENTAL PATTERN
•THINKING IS PREDOMINANT, FEELINGS LESS INTENSE
•GENERAL RELUCTANCE TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS
•MASTERY IS IMPORTANT•PROBLEM-SOLVING AS STRATEGY
IS STRONG•PERIOD OF COGNITIVE
CONFUSION CAN RESULT•ENERGY LEVEL CAN BE
ENHANCED
SHATTERED DREAMSLOSING AN EMOTIONALLY
IMPORTANT IMAGEOF ONESELF, ONE'S FAMILY,
ONE'S LIFE, ONE’S WORK,EVEN ONE’S DEATH
LOSING THE POSSIBILITIES OF "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN"
ABANDONMENT OF PLANS FORA PARTICULAR FUTURE
THE DYING OF A DREAM
• Loss Of Dreams Could Be Loss Of A Core Picture Of Who We Are No Longer Able To Be A Man/Father In The Way We Presume As Right Or No Longer
• SECURE• COMPETENT• CONFIDENT• COURAGEOUS• ABLE• HELD IN ESTEEM• POWERFUL
INQUIRIES ABOUT SHATTERED DREAMS
•When you pictured this time in your life, what did you picture?
•When you thought about being a father, what did you picture?
•If and when you thought of losses in your family, how did you think it would be, how would it happen?
•What was your early picture of handling loss well?
Wounded Healer FathersOne of men's greatest resources for change is our wound and our longing for the missing father. We can heal ourselves by becoming the fathers we wanted but did not have. Create out of the void, out of the absence. Our best map for parenting is outlined like a photographic negative in the shadow side of our grief. Get in touch with your disappointment, your rage, your grief, your loneliness for the father, the intimate touching family you did not have, and you will find a blueprint for parenting. Become the father you longed for. We heal ourselves by learning to give to our children what we did not receive. Sam Keen
STORYING AND RESTORYINGINVOLVES GRIEVING THE OLD STORY
BEFORE CREATING THE NEXT (NOT NECESSARILY NEW) STORY
----LISTEN FOR
MAJOR COMPONENTS/THEMES/VALUES
OF THE OLD STORY
HOW CAN THEY BE REFRAMED IN
THE NEXT STORY
FORMS OF SOCIAL SUPPORT
Emotional Informational
Tangible / InstrumentalSpiritualEsteem
Linkage To Community And Community Resources
CHILDREN WILL LISTEN
Careful the things you say,Children will listen.Careful the things you do,Children will see.And learn.Children may not obey,But children will listen.Children will look to you For which way to turn,To learn what to be.Careful before you say,"Listen to me."Children will listen From Into the Woods by Sondheim
and Lapine
MYTHS ABOUT CHILDREN AND LOSS•Children Do Not Grieve•Death Is The Major Or Only Loss
For Children•Children Should Be Shielded From
Loss•Children Get Over Loss Quickly•Children Are Scarred By Loss•Talking With Children Is The Most
Effective Method•Helping Children Is The Family’s
Responsibility
FIVE CHALLENGES FOR GRIEVING CHILDREN•Feeling safe in their world•Understanding the
condition/disease/death•Grieving / mourning losses•Staying connected to family and
friends•Resuming / continuing children
SHATTERED DREAMS AND CHILDRENFuturelessness, terminal thinking
The loss of innocence
The loss of basic trust in self
The loss of trust in adults
Cynicism, depression, chronic anger
Loss of the dream that family relationships could withstand any challenge
The loss of “voice”
Faith in institutions
ASK CHILDRENTELL ME WHAT HAPPENED...
WHAT ARE YOUR STILLWORRIED ABOUT?
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?
HOW CAN I BE HELPFUL TO YOU?
•A Child Is Rarely Seeking - And Nearly Never Satisfied - With A Purely Rational Response To A Question.
•In Asking A Question A Child Shows Her Trust In Us And A Conviction That, Even Though Things Go Wrong, The Universe Makes Sense.
• JEAN GRASSO FITZPATRICK
Advice To Men With Living Fathers•Say what you have to say before it is
too late•Resolve old issues and unfinished
business•Show him love and understanding; try
to resolve misunderstandings•Avoid holding back•Make peace before he dies
Neil Chethik
PROMPTS FOR ETHICAL WILLSWhat have your learned from your
experiences of loss that you would not have otherwise learned?
What would you describe as an “anchor” that has kept you headed in the direction that your values and/or faith point?
What words of advice would you have about care for others facing a challenging loss?
RECOVERY FACTORS• ACCEPTED WHAT THEY COULD NOT CHANGE,
CHANGED WHAT THEY COULD
• MANAGEABLE PIECES/STEPS
• REALIZED: BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
• USED CREATIVITY
• HEALED THEMSELVES BY HELPING OTHERS
• DID NOT ALLOW BITTERNESS TO CONSUME / DEFINE THEM
• HOPEFUL VISIONS OF FUTURE
• DREW ON SPIRITUAL RESOURCES
ACTION STEPS• BE A CHANGE AGENT(proactive not just reactive)
• BE AWARE OF YOUR ATTITUDE
• BE TOLERANT OF MISTAKES, YOURS AND OTHERS,
INCLUDING MANAGEMENT
• KEEP A BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE:JOB, INTERESTS, FAMILY, VOLUNTEERISM
• ALLOW FOR STRESS AND DISCOMFORT
• MANAGE YOUR STRESS; BE ATTENTIVE TO OTHERS
• PACE YOURSELF
• MAINTAIN STABILITY
