Don’t Forget Fairy Doll Soap Don’t Forget Fairy Doll Soap Don’t Forget Fairy Doll Soap Don’t Forget Fairy Doll Soap Volume 33 Issue 4 April 2017

FIVE’S FORUM*

BOARD OF DIRECTORS

Donna Massey, President

We have had a very mild winter, and spring is here. Work on the irrigation sys-tem should begin later this month. The as-sociation has been spending over $1000.00 a month for repairs. The Board hopes this improves the system and will decrease the need for repairs. The Board would like to thank Tim Bara for refinishing the benches at the front of the Clubhouse. Tim did a great job, and the benches look like new. We also hope you have noticed the new wall washer lights at the front of the Clubhouse. We can pick from many colors to go with the sea-sons. The plan for the summer is to re-evaluate the sidewalks and do repairs as necessary. We are presently researching new materials for the sidewalks. Once we have estab-lished cost and feasibilities for these prod-ucts, we will discuss them at the Board meetings. We now have two storm drain covers that were crushed by heavy vehi-cles. The contractor is waiting for the new covers to be delivered and will then install them. They are pre-formed metal and able to withstand more weight. Just as a reminder, you might like to look at the Mainlands website that will give fi-nancial information, annual audit reports, newsletters, unit calendars, Clubhouse events, meeting agendas, unit documents, bylaws, rules and regulations, current maintenance fees, budget comparisons,

balance sheet, etc. You can generate a work order or alteration request on this site. The address is “TheMainlands.com.” Please look at this website and let us know if you would like to see additional information. Alteration requests are necessary for any work done outside of your home. This in-cludes replacing air conditioners, mail-boxes, pavers for walkways and driveways. If in doubt, please fill out a request, or call the office at 573-5670. They will be happy to assist you. Remember all changes on the outside of the house must remain in the original footprint of the house. Front porches cannot be enlarged. This process serves multiple functions. First, we have a record of what is being done to your home. This information is very valuable to a po-tential buyer. Secondly, we check the li-cense and insurance for your vendor. This is a protection for the homeowner. Recently, we have had some complaints about vendors working inside homes. We do not have a process for this problem. If you are going to have inside work done, you can call the business office to see if this vendor is licensed and insured. They can also tell you if any complaints have been received about this vendor. It is imperative as a homeowner that you know who is doing the work and what their credentials are. You must ask to see both the current license and insurance to protect yourself. Pets are permitted in Unit Five. Each household is limited to two pets. When out-side, the pet must be on a leash - this in-cludes cats. The owner is responsible for

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BOARD OF DIRECTORS (cont.)

cleaning up after the pet. No pets are per-mitted on the common grounds; this is the Clubhouse and the lakes .It is imperative all pet owners adhere to the rules. Many mem-bers of our community are not animal peo-ple and we must respect their rights. Another area of concern is overnight park-ing on the streets. This is not permitted, and unauthorized vehicles will be towed at the owners' expense. The parking lot at the Clubhouse is available for cars with a per-mit. The permits are available at the main office or from a Board member. Please do not leave requests at the Clubhouse, since they might not be seen for several days. Ex-ceptions may be granted with prior approval from the Board. When walking before sunrise or after sun-set, please wear light or reflective clothing. We have been told if a walker is on the street and hit by a car, the driver probably would not be liable. Therefore, it is very important that the driver can see you. Residents are doing a much better job keep-ing motor vehicles off of sidewalks. There are still violations to this rule. We all must be vigilant and remind neighbors, friends, vendors and anyone else to park on the street, not the sidewalk. This is greatly ap-preciated. Remember it is your money used for repairs. The Board welcomes suggestion from the residents, and we encourage your participa-tion. When putting a suggestion in the box, please sign it, so we can communicate with you. It is difficult to answer when we are unaware of the resident who made the sug-gestion. JOKE War Dims Hope for Peace.

AQUA ZUMBA

Kathy Bara

Zumba Gold and Aqua Zumba Instruc-

tor

Kathy Bara, Unit Five resident, will be lead-ing Aqua Zumba at the Unit Five pool on Saturdays at 9:30 AM, for a period of 45 minutes, beginning April 15th. Much like regular Zumba, where the pro-gram is designed to promote movement to lively music, Aqua Zumba is described as a dance party in the pool. We move to music, but, due to the friction of the water, the movements are slower. Because the water makes us buoyant, this is a good opportu-nity for persons who are physically unable to do regular exercise programs. The steps are not meant to be complicated; the chal-lenge will be to “keep moving!” What should participants bring to class? Wear a bathing suit, a hat, and bring a towel. Water shoes are recommended, but not required. The first class on April 15 will be free (space permitting). After that, the cost will be $3 per class. If this class is popular, it will continue in May. A week night class during the summer months is also a possi-bility. BEAR CREATIONS

Kathy Bortscheller

We will be tracing bear patterns and stuffing bears on April 24th, and will meet at the Clubhouse from 12:30 - 2:30 PM. These bears go to cancer patients at St. Anthony’s Hospital in St. Petersburg. If you can help with this project, please come. Any ques-tions, please call me at 217-9217.

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COMMUNITY COMCERNS

Betty Harper

A get well card was sent to: Lyle Thornton Sympathy cards were sent to: The family of Delores Cox Ken Quinn, on the death of his wife Ann Evelyn Murphy, on the death of her brother in-law DIAL DIRECTORIES

Dottie Liskow

Welcome new residents: Bill and Nancy McIntire 9133 39th Lane Telephone: 289-1676 Change in phone # Herbert and Shirley Long Telephone: 742-6481 Congratulations to Pauline Carr and How-ard Johnson on their marriage. They will be listed in the directory as John-son, Howard and Pauline Carr- Johnson 9239 40th Way N Telephone: 329-8599 Call me at 579-9689 for corrections. JOKE When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the calculators.

MEMORIAL DAY SERVICE

Our 26th Memorial Day service will be held in our Unit Five Clubhouse on Memorial Day, Monday, May 29th. At 10:00 AM, we are having a no-cost full breakfast with a service to follow, remembering those who have died in war, and honoring those veter-ans who are no longer with us who were residents of Unit Five. Please join us on this day of remembrance. If joining us, you MUST place your name on the sign-up sheet posted on the bulletin board, or call Jack Hersh at 941 447-2975, or Jane Stemm at 727 570-8988. This is important so that we have a proper head count for the meal and seating. M E N ' S B O O K C L U B

Mark Haney

All Units welcome at Unit Five Clubhouse on Wednesday, April 12th The Adventures of Augie March, by Saul Bellow (1953). Discuss the tale of a street-wise youth in Depression Era Chi-cago. Named by Time magazine and the Modern Library Board as one of the one hundred best novels in the English language. Questions ? Call Mark at 727 204-8589. JOKE A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!" JOKE How to prepare Tofu: 1 Throw it in the trash. 2 Grill some Meat.

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DID YOU KNOW ??

Joanne Hannon There are many tasks, responsibilities and challenges taken over by our residents. Kathy Bortscheller takes on far more than “the average bear”….., and bears are a good place to begin, because Kathy is the leader of Bear Creations. At last count, 1500 bears have been cut, sewn, stuffed, dressed, named and delivered to cancer patients by a group of women here in Mainlands. The group meets monthly; scissors can be heard snipping away at material laid out on the countertop in the Clubhouse…. sounds and chatter usually heard in a good old-fashioned “sewing bee”. Later, bears are taken to homes for stuffing or dressing. The most amazing thing is to see all the indi-vidually -designed bears sitting in a row on Kathy’s sofa, awaiting delivery. In her “working life,” Kathy was involved in installing and teaching computing in businesses. She put that experience to work when, several years ago, she served as Cap-tain of the Block Captains, and created a list of Block Captains and all the units they served. Later, she was asked to create a list of all unit owners and addresses, in order to mail out Annual Meeting notices. That list has evolved into our Unit Five Database. It is a list that needs constant care; units change ownership, residents change phone numbers and e-mails. Also, many owners have summer data to maintain, in case we need to contact them. Notations are always being updated for one reason or another. Kathy keeps the President and Secretary up to date by providing them updated flash drives regularly. For several years, Kathy has been charged with overseeing the count-

ing of ballots for Board elections and for re-serve funding at our Annual Membership and Budget meetings. Then, there’s the swimming pool! Kathy enjoys our pool and is a regular there. Over the years, she has become familiar with pool maintenance, and lends a hand to the Direc-tor who has responsibility for the pool. When do the pool railings need new covers and where to purchase them? Is there a light out at the pool? Is the float that main-tains pool water level malfunctioning? Who repainted the chairs under the awning? Who suggested the pool lounges needed re-webbing? Who decorates the pool area for the holidays? You guessed it! Kathy does. Kathy does all the above, and still has time and energy left over. Thanks, Kathy, but, where do you find all the time and en-ergy????? JOKE For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth af-ter all those conflicting nutritional stud-ies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Ameri-cans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Ameri-cans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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WOMEN'S CLUB

Judy Pustizzi, President

A bit of the green filled the Clubhouse for our March meeting. Thank you, again, to Toni Medjuck for providing the lunch from Ker's Wing House. Always yummy, and we all thoroughly enjoyed it. Mary Brown and the White Apron ladies helped with their usual beautiful Irish room setting, drink set up, and great dessert. This year's Card Party chaired by Nadine Finkelstein, and Mary Ellen Boudreau was an example of just what a group of fantastic women can ac-complish when they work together. Our members really stepped up to the plate with gathering all the donations, and assembling all the beautiful opportunity baskets. Our gentlemen offered much-appreciated help-ing hands with set-up and take down of ta-bles and chairs. THANKS, GUYS. We had a full house, lots of fun, and great food in cute baskets, presented by Mary Brown. Thanks to Norine Adamec for our poster presentation showing our events for the year. The beneficiary this year, Pace Center for Girls, was in for a BIG surprise after all the monies were counted. We were happy to have as guests from Pace Center for Girls, Danielle Green, Director of Program-ming, and students, Ana and Jasmine. They each spoke of their experiences with Pace, and made us so proud we selected Pace for our fundraiser. .Nadine, Mary Ellen, and the Pace Gals came forward and received our check for $1600.00. JOB WELL DONE, UNIT FIVE WOMEN'S CLUB. Helen Donelson, Chairman of the By-Laws Committee, presented the proposed by-law changes which were posted in the Club-house for two months. A vote was taken,

and the by-laws were approved. The revised by-laws will be on file with the Women's Club, and with Social Club. March meant election of officers, and Helen Donelson, Chairman of the Nominating Committee, conducted the elections. The officers for 2017-2018 are Judy Pustizzi, President, Barbara Hersh, 1st Vice President, Kathy Kolb, 2nd Vice President, Ellen Oskirko, Treasurer, Cindy Fish, Secretary, and Member-at-Large, Priscilla Skalka. Toni Medjuck introduced comedian, "Juanita Lolita,' who had us in stitches over womanhood, husbands, and just surviving. Good time. Installation of officers will be held at our next meeting on Friday, April 14, 2017, at 11:45 AM. Our program features "This is your Life", and the announcement of "Member of the Year." Please make your reservations by MONDAY, THE WEEK OF OUR LUNCHEON with Carol Zaborowski at Koffee Klatch, or 727 563-9849. Easter Blessings and Happy Passover. JOKE An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points. 'His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?’ ‘It’s fart football.’ Minutes later the wife let’s one go and says ‘tie score.’ After five min-utes the husband let’s go another and says Aha, ‘I’m ahead 14-7.’ The wife rips one off, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’ A few seconds later the wife lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, 17-14.’ Now the pressure is on the husband. Since defeat is unaccept-able the old guy gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops the bed. The wife asks, “What the heck was that?’ He replies,’ halftime, switch sides.’

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PANCAKE BREAKFAST

JOHN ADAMEC

We did it again! We served 217 meals, beating last year’s total by 10. I am very proud to have had all the support that Unit Five has given me for the past nine years, AND I THANK YOU ALL. How-ever, it is time to pass the torch and spatulas to Larry Basset. He will take over in Sep-tember. There will not be a Unit Five Pan-cake Breakfast in April, because Easter is the following day. I hope everyone will have a nice holiday and a healthy sum-mer. Thank you one and all for the help I received all these years. My wife, Norine Adamec, the Candy Lady, also expresses her appreciation for your support ! PS: Special thanks to Mary Ellen and Charlie Boudreau for all their help in organizing the help, plugging in the coffee at 5 AM, and getting the necessary supplies for us to serve our customers. You have been my right and left hands.

JOKE An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting se-nile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.’

JOKE Girl, 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy, 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl, 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' QUOTE Johnny Carson, “If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.”

MENS CLUB

Mitchell Frommer, President

If anyone did not have a good time at the Men’s Club St. Patrick’s Day party, it was their own fault. Danny Justice, direct from Ireland, kept everyone in stitches with his comedy and music. John Adamec and his team served 84 fantastic meals. There was not a drop of fat on the corned beef. The March lunch was at Johnny’s Italian Restaurant in Clearwater. The April lunch will probably be at Zom Hee. We will firm that up at the April 4th meeting. March’s guest speaker, Dick Crippen of the Tampa Bay Rays, was entertaining. He fielded many questions about the Rays, and a few about football and basketball. It’s al-ways a pleasure to have him visit the Men’s Club April for the Men’s Club means elections for the upcoming 2017-2018 term. Anyone interested in running for a position on the Board of Directors, please contact Jack Hersh. May 2nd is the last official meeting of the season. If there’s enough interest, we will try to meet during the summer months. JOKE We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music sys-tem were all shut down. Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours. She seems like a nice person.

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SHUFFLEBOARD

Mary Allmeyer

The 2016-2017 Friendly League season is over. We finished in fifth place. It was a fun year. Our new players did exceptionally well. We are very proud of them. Our ban-quet will be at the Olive Garden restau-rant. Recognition of high scores, etc., will be announced and awards presented. The Friendly League tournament was held at Pi-nellas Park Senior Center on March 28th and March 30th. We had 17 players from Unit Five signed up to compete. Nine teams will participate in this event. We wish everyone a happy, healthy sum-mer. We continue to practice on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 10:00 AM at Unit Five shuffleboard courts throughout the sum-mer. New players are always welcome. JOKE An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and said to her, "Flights go quicker if you converse. The little girl, who had just started to read her book, re-plied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "I don't know," he said. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly."Okay," she said, "but let me ask a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

PLATINUM BABES

Mary Brown

Platinum Babes dined at Another Broken Egg in March. Food was very good, al-though service was a little slow. But, that just gave us more time to chit-chat. In April, we will be going to The Paradise Restaurant in Safety Harbor. This lunch will also be our President’s Appreciation luncheon. Sign-up sheet is on the bulletin board in the hallway. Date is April 19th at 11:30 AM. Correction to March Forum column: Plati-num Babes is open to ALL women who re-side in Unit Five. While we hope that those attending will enjoy themselves so much that they will join the Women’s Club, it is not a requirement to be a member of the Women’s Club to attend. Sorry for any con-fusion this may have caused. Looking for-ward to seeing our women residents of Unit Five at our lunches. JOKE Reilly went to trial for armed rob-bery. The jury foreman came out and an-nounced, 'Not guilty.' ‘'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?' Dear Abby, Confused What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, Confused I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he de-nied everything and said it would never happen again.

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TUESDAY GOLF

Cypress Links par-3 course

Stuart Hoff

The fall/winter season ended in March, cul-minating in a banquet at Salt Rock Tavern in Oldsmar. About 50 golfers and guests enjoyed food, laughter and prizes. As a spe-cial treat, attendees were privy to the world premiere of the song “Book of Golf,” a golf song to the tune of “Book of Love” by the Monotones. Three members of the quarter were from Unit Five, and Steve Zebos, Stu-art Hoff and Roger Wojtarowicz certainly captured the essence of the monotones (no, the small “m” is not a typo). There were enough prizes to give away that everyone had an opportunity to win more than once. The restaurant donated gift cards, Peggy Hayduke, the Golf Course Supervisor was extremely generous in her donation of greens fees as well as two rounds of golf with cart at Mangrove Bay. Play will continue throughout the year, shifting to a 10:00 AM first tee (starting) time beginning May 1st. Only three of our Unit Five golfers cracked the top ten money winners for the five-month season, led by Bob Smith, and fol-lowed by Ron McNutt and Stuart Hoff. Other Unit Five money winners included: Doug Blackman, Paul Donelson, Bill Field, Joanne Hannon, Helen Hilton, Barbara Parker, Joe Sepic, Roger Wojtarowicz and Steve Zebos. Cypress Links is a perfect golf course to ei-ther practice your shorter game – if you are a reasonably accomplished golfer, or to see if you even like golf, without spending a great deal of time or money to make that de-termination. Walking rates for 9 holes will

soon drop below $ 10, and 90 minutes is the time for sn average round. The City of St. Petersburg also offers ex-tremely economical lessons. Copies of the current brochure on Golf for Fun may be found on one of the tables in the Clubhouse porch area. APRIL FOOLS’ DAY

I had great plans to produce multiple pages of an April Fools’ Day edition, but March turned out to be extremely busy. So, look for this in the June edition of the Five’s Fo-rum. JOKE A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. Mommy, the little girl asks, how old are you? Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, she replied. OK, the little girl says, How much do you weigh? Now really, the mother says, those are personal questions and are really none of your business. Un-daunted, the little girl asks, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce? That's enough questions, young lady! The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. My Mom won't tell me anything about herself, the girl says to her friend. Her friend says, all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it. Later girl says to her mother, I know how old you are. You’re 32. The mother asks, How did you find that out? I know that you weigh 130 pounds. How in Heaven's name did you find that out? And the little girl says triumphantly, I know why you and daddy got a divorce. Oh really? the mother asks. Why? Because you got an F in sex.

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MUSIC TRIVIA

Sorry to use the same excuse twice, but time did not permit me to find where in the heck my last set of questions/groups is (my wife always dumps my mess out of sight when we have company, and the archaeologists are really backed up with other excavation projects). However, here are the answers to last month’s quiz: Joey Dee and the Starlighters – “Peppermint Twist” Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers – “Why Do Fools Fall in Love ?” Jay and the Techniques – “Apple Peaches Pumpkin Pie” Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders – “Game of Love” Bob Marley and the Wailers – “One Love” Kathy Young and the Innocents – “A Thou-sand Stars” Huey Lewis and the News – “The Power of Love” Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels – “Devil with a Blue Dress on” Jay Black and the Americans – “Cara Mia” Little Anthony and the Imperials – “Tears on My Pillow” A big thank you to Annette Reynolds, Frank Paul and Mitchell Frommer for taking the time to search their memories, and try to an-swer the questions. Annette and I are still debating several of the lead singers, but that’s half of the fun. She did not try to identify any of the songs the artists made “famous.” Frank gave an honest response and got about half of the correct answers. Mitchell was stumped only by Bob Marley, but I think ganja, may have been respons-

ible for the knowledge gap (on Bob Mar-ley’s part, not Mitchell’s, of course). THURSDAY GOLF

9- and 18-hole play at

Mainlands Golf Club

Stuart Hoff

April marks the end of our fall/winter/spring season at Mainlands Golf Club. We will be playing through Thursday, April 27th. We will cease league play at Mainlands until the beginning of September. Many members use the summer months to explore less crowded, less expensive area golf courses – although we do miss our seasonal residents. The banquet for the league was held at Crabby Bill’s banquet hall on Gulf Boule-vard, with more than 60 members and guests attending. With 64 golfers participat-ing in the league this year, Unit Five was proud to place six of our residents in the top thirteen money winners for the season: Roger Wojtarowicz, Ron McNutt, George Knudsen, Stuart Hoff, Joanne Hannon, and Doug Blackman. There were many giveaways at the banquet, and – just like tee ball – everyone was a winner. Actually, all of our players were winners, since we had the opportunity to en-joy companionship, laughter, exercise, the outdoors, and an occasional chilled bever-age at a golf course within walking distance. That is a combination pretty hard to beat. If you would like to learn more about the league, give me a call and I will fill you in. JOKE You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leav-ing your body.

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REFLECTIONS OFF THE TOP

Stuart Hoff

Continuing my cleaning, sorting and tossing program at home, I came across this e-mail from more than eight years ago that is worth sharing MAYBE, we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right per-son, we will know how to be grateful for that gift. MAYBE, when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us. MAYBE, it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives. MAYBE, the happiest of people don’t nec-essarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. MAYBE, the brightest future will always be based upon a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heart-aches. MAYBE, you should dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you only have one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do. MAYBE, there are moments in life when you miss someone – a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child – so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around,

you appreciate them more. MAYBE, there will be more next month.

JOKE A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died." Donald re-plied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Donald said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Donald said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!" Donald said, "Sure I can, Just watch me. I just won't tell any-body he's dead." A month Later, the farmer ran into Donald and asked, "Whatever hap-pened with that dead horse?" Donald said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a tidy profit of $2495." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Donald said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."

JOKE A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the sham-poo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

JOKE Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police sta-tion. One asked: "What if one explodes be-fore we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two.

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FLORIDA HURRICANE PREPARA-

TION

A Public Service message from Suddenly Senior Everyone in Florida should be aware of hur-ricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course: We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points. (1) There

is no need to panic. (2) We could all be

k i l l e d .

Based on our insurance industry experi-ences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan: STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days. STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car. STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and re-main there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not fol-low this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important h u r r i c a n e p r e p a r e d n e s s i t e m s : HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurri-cane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It

is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is lo-

cated in Wisconsin. Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hur-ricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insur-ance business in the first place. So you'll

have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacua-tion route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hun-dred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bo-nus, you will not be lonely. H U R R I C A N E S U P P L I E S :

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the super-market and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally im-portant that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television if you have a generator that's working to keep the TV go-ing and watching TV reporters in rain slick-ers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

It's great living in Paradise- April Fools! JOKE Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.