Progress Holds Form in My Writing

Paul Stinespring

Dr. Matthew Horton

English 1101

08 December 2011

Progress Holds Firm in My Writing

Table of Contents

Analytical Cover Letter ....................................................................................................................1

Quality Comparison .........................................................................................................................4

Least Successful Article Response ......................................................................................4

Most Successful Article Response .......................................................................................6

“What’s the Difference?” .....................................................................................................8

Revision Samples ...........................................................................................................................10

Least Successful Article Response (with markup) ............................................................10

Least Successful Article Response (final) .........................................................................13

Most Successful Article Response (with markup) .............................................................15

Most Successful Article Response (final) ..........................................................................17

Most Successful Essay (with markup) ...............................................................................19

Most Successful Essay (final) ............................................................................................25

1

December 8, 2011 Matthew R. Horton, Ph. D. Assistant Professor of English Gainesville State College Oconee Campus 313b Oconee Classroom 1201 Bishop Farms Parkway Watkinsville, GA 30677 Dear Dr. Horton, I feel my writing has improved a tremendous amount from taking your course. My high school English teacher did a good job at teaching me how to be a writer and I believe you were the teacher that I needed to pick up where he left off. By no means am I saying that I am a professional or highly skilled writer, but I will say that the vigor of your course was exactly what I needed for my writing to be propelled in the right direction. When I observed how easy my roommate’s English course was, I would often feel annoyed and wish that I was in his class. Looking back over my first semester in college, however, I would not have had it any other way. I took harder classes and for this I have become a better all around individual. Your course has allowed me to become more familiar with making correlations with personal experiences and common problems with humanity in the form of writing. In my work, you will find it evident that I have improved as a writer. Just from my first essay to my second I could see drastic improvement. Although the two essays are not displayed side by side in this portfolio, I can see the new territories I have discovered as a writer. Also, you will see my improvements as a writer in my article responses. It is a fulfilling feeling to know that I have improved as a writer; especially because my ability to write will aid me in becoming an influential leader. From the least successful article response I have done this semester, I have learned a great deal as a writer. My least successful article response was my first one. I was somewhat shocked or at least unfamiliar with implying the relevance of an author’s point of view in my responses. Until I took your course, my writings have consisted of stating facts or writing creative stories. Over this semester, I was introduced to formulating and writing new potential advances for humanity based on an article I had read. It was quite an experience and I am glad I got the opportunity to write from this perspective. Aside from being introduced to a new type of response writing, I improved in my grammar and diction. You will see how my diction has been improved as I took a fresh look back and made corrections on this particular article response. The second to last article response was my most successful one. It is strange that my most successful article response was not my last one. More than likely, this response was the most successful because I devoted the most time to write this one. The article was one that particularly interested me and therefore, I devoted the most time to responding to the article. Despite this being my most successful response, there were still plenty of corrections to be made. The grammar and the diction were good in this article response, but I feel the syntax could have been better. You can see in my marked up version of the article response that I have learned how

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to use the correct sentence structures to illustrate how I feel and, likewise, how someone else feels. The essays I wrote this semester were like none other I have written before. When I used to think of an essay, I thought about writing three paragraphs that were all based on a prompt. In this course, however, I was introduced to a completely new meaning to the term essay. It was quite challenging to make the switch, but once I got mind set in the right direction, writing the essay was natural. My writing came especially natural when writing the second essay. This was my most successful essay and it made me feel accomplished to take a seemingly polished work and make it better. Making the essay better made me see that there are plenty of areas of improvement in my writing. I noticed that my thesis was not as strong and to the point as it needed to be. In order for the audience to know where I want to take them in an essay, I need to make sure that my thesis is clear and concise. Another issue I found within my essay was the lack of fluidity in the topic sentences. I had to reevaluate these sentences and rearrange them to say clearly what I actually wanted to be said. Even know there were some obvious corrections that I found, overall it was difficult to find a great deal of changes to the content of the essay that were needed. I am not trying to be braggadocios, all I am trying to say is that I was thoroughly impressed and content with my second essay and it was difficult to make corrections to it. With that being said, I had to dig deeper to find things that could be changed. There were not a lot of changes made with the content, but I found I could switch around some of the syntax to make the essay flow more fluidly. Some ongoing problems I have as a writer is the lack of variation within my sentence structures. I typically start a sentence with a dependent clause followed by a comma and then my independent clause. This is my favorite form of writing, but I have found the problem where too many of my sentences are being developed in this fashion. I need to find various ways to formulate my sentences that make the essay or response not so monotonous and redundant. I am sure that this skill will come with continued practice, but I have made it a point to be aware of other author’s sentence structures when I read other works. Another problem I encounter in my writing is a problem with commas. I tend to put unnecessary commas in the middle of the sentence, while leaving out necessary commas at the beginning of the sentence. I’m sure this can become frustrating for the reader, so in order to become a more professional writer, I need to learn the rules for commas. Also, I need to become more familiar with my thesis statement, topic sentences, and closing arguments. My thesis statement tends to not directly deal with the issue on hand in my wittings. That is a major problem in writing, so this issue will need to be addressed first. I can practice by reading and recognizing good thesis statements from well-known authors. As for topic sentences and closing arguments, I have difficulty relating them back to the main point of the paragraph. It is not to where I cannot make a correlation at all, but instead, I do not choose the best way to make the correlation between my introduction sentence, my paragraph, and my closing sentence. In order for me to truly improve at any one of my writing woes, I will need to simply take the time to practice and make the needed effort to achieve. From the work I have done and the revisions I have made in this portfolio, I feel I earned the grade of a 92. You can find in my samples that I have made progress as a writer from when I first entered your course until now. My essay revision is the best example of my improvement as

3

a writer. My most and least successful article responses also show the improvements I have made, but my essay uses the issues that I struggle with as a writer to show just how much I have improved. I said 92 because that will ensure an A in the course, so I hope that you agree that I earned this grade. Sincerely, Paul T. Stinespring

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Least Successful Article Response

Berry, Wendell. "Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits." Harper's Magazine. The Harper's

Magazine Foundation, May 2008. Web. 18 August 2011.

Wendell Berry, in Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits, wants to make it apparent

that the normal routines and extravagances of humans will quickly come to extinction if there are

no changes. He argues that our current way of life can, indeed, be done without. One of the main

topics in this article was Wendell Berry’s desire to bring the issue of a limitless society to light in

our modern culture. The fact is that we as humans, and specifically as Americans, do not have

unlimited resources. In fact, we have quite the opposite problem; especially with fossil fuels. The

article revealed the interesting statistic that at the rate humanity is consuming fossil fuels, the

resource will be run dry within two hundred years. That may seem like a long time, but when

looking from the perspective of how long humans have been on Earth, it is not long at all.

Another theme in the article was man’s greed. Berry made a brilliant correlation between

humans today andChristopher Marlowe’s character, Faustus, in the play Tragical History of

Doctor Faustus. Faustus and humans today greedily search for pleasure and knowledge at all

cost.

Wendell Berry brought up an issue many, if not all of Americans, put on the back-burner

or simply ignore. Most people have not given a great deal of thought to the topic, but when

forced to examine it, it should make an individual fearful. It makes one ask the question, ‘in how

many categories of life are we driving our race to annihilation?’ The topic of the article will

cause a person to check their self and examine just how selfish and greedy they are actually

being. We as a population must rise up, and fight the war that is going on for our minds. We

cannot be brain washed or manipulated any longer. It is imperative that our leaders take a stand

5

against greed, if that is possible. There is a lot on the line. The very livelihood and well-being of

our planet is at stake from our decisions. We must take on this responsibility and take care and

value the resources that are given to us. Otherwise, our greed will bring the planet to an

unnecessary extinction.

6

DNA Testing Brings Potential to the Masses

McGough, Matthew. "The Lazarus File." The Atlantic. The Atlantic Monthly Group, June 2011.

Web. 18 August 2011

In the “Lazarus File,” Matthew McGough wants the reader to learn how DNA testing was

introduced in forensic science and the importance of it. Many cases that were labeled as “cold

cases” were able to be solved due to the advancement in DNA testing. McGough uses the death

of Sherri Rasmussen, in the Las Angeles suburb of Van Nuys on February 24, 1986, to describe

the development in DNA. The death was seemingly a robbery gone awry and due to the lack of

leads, the case went cold. The only shred of hope the case had of being solved was a swab of

saliva from the forearm of the victim. Seven months after the death of Sherri Rasmussen, DNA

was used in criminal investigation for the first time. This breakthrough caused investigating units

to revisit those cases that had a chance of being solved due to DNA testing. The case of Sherri

Rasmussen was one that was revisited, and subsequently solved. She was murdered by her

husband’s deranged ex-girlfriend, and thanks to DNA testing, the authorities were able to reach

this conclusion and solve the case- along with many more like it.

This breakthrough was of major significance because now, thanks to the possibilities of

DNA testing, the law can prevail at a higher level. Before DNA testing, a man could rape a

woman, leaving behind semen, and the police could only prosecute on such things as eye witness

accounts and finger prints. But after this breakthrough, a scientific deterrent was put into place.

This deterrent caused a significant drop in crime (or at least caused the criminal to be more

careful.) Breakthroughs, such as DNA testing, leave an individual with a sense that they are able

to reach new, unheard-of levels in science. It leaves scientific researchers and investigators with

hope that one day a criminal will not be able to go unpunished. There is hope in a world where

7

justice prevails over evil. The breakthrough goes beyond science as well. In any aspect in life, an

individual can know that they have not reached the top. One can look at DNA testing and find

hope that there are new heights and new discoveries that humans have not yet reached. DNA

testing was just a stepping stone in the accomplishments of humanity.

8

What’s the Difference?

My first, and least successful, article response consists not only of grammatical errors,

but also errors within the word choice and sentence structure. I was not a particularly bad writer

when I entered this course, but I soon found that I had to make a lot of improvement in order to

be successful. My grammatical errors were relatively minimal, but I was not too familiar with

the sentence structures needed for success in the course. I also had trouble with relaying another

person’s point of view, and then implying relevance based on the author’s point of view. There

were plenty of things I could change in the marked up versions, but the biggest thing I noticed

was the use of clear sentence structure and the relevance of the author’s point of view. I do not

believe I have a complete grasp on relating the author’s point of view with large issues within

humanity, but I did improve in this assessment. Another main flaw of my first article response is

the fact that I had too many grammatical errors.

My most successful article response has some similarities and differences from my least

successful one. The difference between the two was my improvement in dialing up relevance to

the author’s point of view. My relevance was by no means spot-on, but improvement was

definitely evident. A major problem with this response was my lack of variation among sentence

structures. The sentences tended to have too many of the same type of sentences and this causes

the reader to become bored. A major improvement from my first article response, however, was

the decrease in grammatical errors. This fact in itself proves the improvement I made throughout

the semester. It is a good feeling to know that I have improved in something, and it is an even

better feeling when that something is as important a task as writing. The major differences

between my most and least successful article responses is the improvement in the variation of

sentence types and the dramatic decrease in grammatical errors. Once again, without even

9

looking at the marked up revisions, it is clear that I have improved as a writer only judging by

the least and most successful article responses.

10

Least Successful Article Response

The Faust Knows about Our Oil Woes

Berry, Wendell. "Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits." Harper's Magazine. The Harper's

Magazine Foundation, May 2008. Web. 18 August 2011.

Wendell Berry, in Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits, wants to make it apparent

that the normal routines and extravagances of Americans humans will quickly come to extinction

if there are no changes to our problem of plundering our resources. He argues that our current

way of an over-extravagant life can, indeed, be done without. One of the main topics in this

article was Wendell Berry’s desire to bring the issue of a limitless society to light in our modern

culture. The fact is that we as humans, and specifically as Americans, do not have unlimited

resources. In fact, we have quite the opposite problem; especially with fossil fuels. The article

revealed the interesting statistic that at the rate humanity is consuming fossil fuels, the resource

will be run dry within two hundred years. That may seem like a long time, but when looking

from the perspective of how long humans have been on Earth, it is not long at all. Another theme

in the article was man’s greed. Berry made a brilliant correlation between humans Americans

today and Christopher Marlowe’s character, Faustus, in the play Tragical History of Doctor

Faustus. Faustus and humans today greedily search for pleasure and knowledge at all cost.

Wendell Berry brought up an issue many, if not all, of Americans, put on the back-burner

or simply ignore. Most people have not given a great deal of thought to the topic, but when

forced to examine it, it should make an individual fearful. It makes one ask the question, “‘iIn

how many categories of life are we driving our race to annihilation?”’ The topic of the article

will cause a person to check their self and examine just how selfish and greedy they are actually

being. We as a population must rise up, and fight the war that is going on for our minds. We

Comment [p1]: In the beginning of this course, I was not aware of the importance of the title. Therefore, for the first article response, I simply and generically titled it Article Response 1. Throughout the semester, however, I learned that the title of a work says a lot about the author. I did learn as the course went on how to come up with clever and intelligent titles to my work.

Comment [p2]: I also learned throughout the semester that it was redundant to repeat the title of the article within the article. I always used to do this because I thought I was giving credit where credit was due, but I found out over the semester that it was fine to just go without repeating the title. After all, the reader should be intelligent enough to see what the title of the article was.

Comment [p3]: A problem I have, that I wasn’t aware of at the beginning of the term, is to subconsciously assume that the reader could pick up on what I was trying to say. I now have become more conscious and purposeful in writing out what I am trying to say without the reader to need to infer what I mean.

Comment [p4]: A problem I became aware of through the term was my use of vague ambiguous terms such as “humans” or “humanity.” I now ask myself the question, “why did I use the term humans when I was talking about specifically Americans. I am now becoming more specific with my terms and, once again, leaving no room for assumptions by the reader.

Formatted: Font: Italic

Comment [p5]: I was, at first, confused with whether or not I should have one quotation or two for a self-motivated question. I now know that for any quote, whether it is an imaginary person or not, there needs to be quotation marks and not just on quotation around it.

Comment [p6]: I also have a tendency to make sentences more complex than they are needed to be. By simply taking out “check their self and” the reader can move through that sentence a lot easier without having to strain over whether or not it is supposed to be “their self.”

11

cannot be brain washed or manipulated any longer. It is imperative that our leaders take a stand

against greed, if that is possible. There is a lot on the lineThere is a standard of living at stake

that is not needed to be done without. The very livelihood and well-being of our planet is at stake

from our decisions. We must take on this responsibility and take care and value the resources

that are given to us. Otherwise, our greed will bring the planet to an unnecessary extinction strain

and hardship.

Comment [p7]: I was very vague here. I simply wanted to get the point across that our planet’s potential change in routine can be done without if we as humans develop a way to conserve and not plunder our resources.

Comment [p8]: Looking back on what I meant to say, I realized that I was not meaning extinction. Instead, I wanted to get the point across that our way of convenience will be put to an end if we don’t realize how to deal with our resources in a proper manner.

 

13  

Least Successful Article Response

The Faust Knows about Our Oil Woes

Berry, Wendell. "Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits." Harper's Magazine. The Harper's

Magazine Foundation, May 2008. Web. 18 August 2011.

Wendell Berry wants to make it apparent that the normal routines and extravagances of

Americans will quickly come to extinction if there are no changes to our problem of plundering

our resources. He argues that our current way of an over-extravagant life can, indeed, be done

without. One of the main topics in this article was Wendell Berry’s desire to bring the issue of a

limitless society to light in our modern culture. The fact is that we as humans, and specifically

Americans, do not have unlimited resources. In fact, we have quite the opposite problem;

especially with fossil fuels. The article revealed the interesting statistic that at the rate humanity

is consuming fossil fuels, the resource will be run dry within two hundred years. That may seem

like a long time, but when looking from the perspective of how long humans have been on Earth,

it is not long at all. Another theme in the article was man’s greed. Berry made a brilliant

correlation between Americans today and Christopher Marlowe’s character Faustus in the play

Tragical History of Doctor Faustus. Faustus and humans today greedily search for pleasure and

knowledge at all cost.

Wendell Berry brought up an issue many, if not all, Americans put on the back-burner or

simply ignore. Most people have not given a great deal of thought to the topic, but when forced

to examine it, it should make an individual fearful. It makes one ask the question, “In how many

categories of life are we driving our race to annihilation?” The topic of the article will cause a

person to examine just how selfish and greedy they are actually being. We as a population must

rise up and fight the war that is going on for our minds. We cannot be brainwashed or

 

14  

manipulated any longer. It is imperative that our leaders take a stand against greed, if that is

possible. There is a standard of living at stake that is not needed to be done without. The very

livelihood and well-being of our planet is at stake from our decisions. We must take on this

responsibility and take care and value the resources that are given to us. Otherwise, our greed

will bring the planet to an unnecessary strain and hardship.

 

15  

DNA Testing Brings Potential to the Masses

McGough, Matthew. "The Lazarus File." The Atlantic. The Atlantic Monthly Group, June 2011.

Web. 18 August 2011

In the “Lazarus File,” Matthew McGough wants the reader to learn how DNA testing was

introduced in forensic science and the importance it has in the justice systemof it. Many cases

that were labeled as “cold cases” were able to be solved due to the advancement in DNA testing.

McGough uses the death of Sherri Rasmussen, in the Las Angeles suburb of Van Nuys on

February 24, 1986, to describe the effectiveness of the development in DNA testing. HerThe

death was seemingly a robbery gone awry, and due to the lack of leads, the case went cold. The

only shred of hope the Rasmussen’s had for justice case had of being solved was a swab of saliva

from the forearm of the victim. Seven months after the death of Sherri Rasmussen, DNA was

used in criminal investigation for the first time. This breakthrough caused investigating units to

revisit thethose cases that had a chance of being solved due to DNA testing. The case of Sherri

Rasmussen was one that was revisited, and subsequently solved. She was murdered by her

husband’s deranged ex-girlfriend, and thanks to DNA testing, the authorities were able to reach

this conclusion and solve the case- along with many more like it.

This breakthrough was of major significance because now, thanks to the possibilities of

DNA testing, the law can prevail at a higher levelmore effective. Before DNA testing, a man

could rape a woman, leaving behind semen, and the police could only prosecute on such things

as eye witness accounts and finger prints. But after this breakthrough, a scientific deterrent was

put into place. This deterrent caused a significant drop in crime (or at least caused the criminal to

be more careful.) Breakthroughs, such as DNA testing, leave an individual with a sense that they

are able to reach new, unheard-of levels in science. It leaves scientific researchers and

Comment [p1]: Once again, this was before I learned the rule that it is redundant to repeat the name of the article in my essay.  It is almost an insult to the reader for discrediting their intelligence. 

Comment [p2]:   It was important to get straight to my point, but again, I was being vague.  I now know that if I am trying to talk about the positive impact DNA had on the justice system I say just that.  It is important to keep away from these vague words such as “Of it.”  It is a useful exercise to revisit my works because I now can see just how vague I can sometimes be in my writing.  I need to keep it simple and concise without compromising the point. 

Comment [p3]: Here, I also expected the reader to look into and speculate where I was heading in the remainder of the response.  I always need to reexamine what my intentions are, and make sure I am expressing these intentions to my audience.  Otherwise, the reader will not get the point I am trying to get across. 

Comment [p4]:   I need to remember to always be more specific in my meanings.  It would not have been hard to put the Rasmussen’s instead of vaguely mentioning the case.  Be specific and intentional.  

Comment [p5]:   Saying the law can prevail at a higher level is extremely ambiguous.  No one will be able to exactly understand my point if I continue to use generic words such as “Higher level.”  It would not have been hard to take time to examine that more effective is what I meant to say.  Once again, be intentional! 

Comment [p6]: Consider using more clear terms to describe the climb toward scientific peaks.  Unheard‐of levels is also generic and vague.  Possibly use monumental where the emphasis will remain on tangible details. 

16  

investigators with hope that one day a criminal will not be able to go unpunished. There is hope

in a world where justice prevails over evil. The breakthrough goes beyond science as well. In any

aspect of in life, an individual can know that they have not reached the top. One can look at

DNA testing and find hope that there are new heights and new discoveries that humans have not

yet reached. DNA testing was just a stepping stone in the accomplishments of humanity.

Comment [p7]:   Obviously humans cannot reach the top.  Be more specific in your methods of displaying the new potentials of humans.  Keep away from stating and using things that are common knowledge. 

Comment [p8]: Need to better link the DNA and other heights as potentials from the success of DNA.  It is important to not use links without linking the different clauses back to their specific, intentional meaning. 

17  

Most Successful Article Response (Final)

DNA Testing Brings Potential to the Masses

McGough, Matthew. "The Lazarus File." The Atlantic. The Atlantic Monthly Group, June 2011.

Web. 18 August 2011

Matthew McGough wants the reader to learn how DNA testing was introduced in

forensic science and the importance it has in the justice system. Many cases that were labeled as

“cold cases” were able to be solved due to the advancement in DNA testing. McGough uses the

death of Sherri Rasmussen, in the Las Angeles suburb of Van Nuys on February 24, 1986, to

describe the effectiveness of the development in DNA testing. Her death was seemingly a

robbery gone awry, and due to the lack of leads, the case went cold. The only shred of hope the

Rasmussen’s had for justice was a swab of saliva from the forearm of the victim. Seven months

after the death of Sherri Rasmussen, DNA was used in criminal investigation for the first time.

This breakthrough caused investigating units to revisit the cases that had a chance of being

solved due to DNA testing. The case of Sherri Rasmussen was one that was revisited, and

subsequently solved. She was murdered by her husband’s deranged ex-girlfriend, and thanks to

DNA testing, the authorities were able to reach this conclusion and solve the case- along with

many more like it.

This breakthrough was of major significance because now, thanks to the possibilities of

DNA testing, the law can prevail at a more effective. Before DNA testing, a man could rape a

woman, leaving behind semen, and the police could only prosecute on such things as eye witness

accounts and finger prints. But after this breakthrough, a scientific deterrent was put into place.

This deterrent caused a significant drop in crime (or at least caused the criminal to be more

careful.) Breakthroughs, such as DNA testing, leave an individual with a sense that they are able

18  

to reach new, unheard-of levels in science. It leaves scientific researchers and investigators with

hope that one day a criminal will not be able to go unpunished. There is hope in a world where

justice prevails over evil. The breakthrough goes beyond science as well. In any aspect of life, an

individual can know that they have not reached the top. One can look at DNA testing and find

hope that there are new heights and new discoveries that humans have not yet reached. DNA

testing was just a stepping stone in the accomplishments of humanity.

Stinespring 19

19  

Paul Stinespring

Professor Horton

18 October 2011

Article Essay 2

The Elegant Choice: Selflessness over Selfishness

A quote from the article “Social Animal” by David Brooks made my mind move in a

direction that is not necessarily related to the point of the articleallowed me to see a topic that is

not directly evident in the article, but it is a topic that should not go unnoticed. The quote comes

at the end of the first paragraph and says, “Theirs was a statelier ascent. They got good grades in

school, established solid social connections, joined fine companies, medical practices, and law

firms. Wealth settled down upon them gradually, like a gentle snow.” This quote led me to think

about the different routes the rich take in order to be wealthy. Some people accumulate wealth

corruptly, while others accumulate wealth through hard work. At any rate, I then began to make

a connection between the status of the wealthy with the status and responsibilities of a father.

The wealthy are at the top tier of society while the father is supposed to be at the top, leading the

family. Sometimes wealthy individuals do not handle their power like they should. Likewise,

the father of the family does not always take on his responsibilities, thus leaving his wife and

children to deal with his irresponsibility.

It is a sad thing when a father does not handle the responsibilities that are placed upon his

shouldersIt is sad when a father does not embrace the responsibilities that are bestowed to him.

Like the wealthy not using their power to better the economy or further better their personal

assets, so is a father who does not value the lives of his wife and children as a top priority. A

man who did not embrace the responsibilities of a father is found in a man I know, named

Comment [p1]: This causes the reader to stumble over my actual meaning because the sentence is hard to read and unclear.  “Made my mind move” does not do anything to the sentence except cause confusion.   

Comment [p2]: This is a great point, but consider a way to connect the points to ensure the reader does not get side‐tracked and begin to day dream.  Keeping the reader’s attention is especially important at the beginning of an essay. 

Comment [p3]:   This simple change can do a lot in the long‐run of keeping the reader’s attention.  The beginning of the essay and especially the topic sentence should not be difficult to read.  I need to examine the fluidity of topic sentences before I write them.   

Stinespring 20

20  

Wayne. Wayne has chosen alcohol over the responsibilities of being a husband and a father. My

grandfather was an alcoholic at one point in his life and my mother has told me some stories

about his actions. Even though I never met my grandfather, I learned a lot about life from the

selfish decisions he once made. But the things I have learned from my grandfather’s life are only

from things I have heard. When it comes to Wayne’s problem with alcohol, I have been able to

observe things that have taught me about the selfishness that goes along with alcoholism.

Wayne’s selfishness in choosing alcohol over his children has caused his children to deal with

the fact that their father chose a substance that replaced the special relationship between a father

and his children. Wayne is only interested in himself and this selfishness has caused his children

to try and cope with the fact that their father has chosen a substance over the special bond

between a father and his children; the children try and seem unaffected through it all.

Wayne, thus far, has chosen alcoholism over his children. The love or obsessions with a

substance like alcohol can tear apart a family. Eight years ago, Wayne and his wife got a divorce

due to his abuse of alcohol. She and their three children, two boys and a girl, moved to her

hometown in Kentucky. I was crushed because my two best friends were moving to a different

state. The kids came back to visit for summers and for almost every most holidays, so my

relationship with them remained strong. When the oldest son, Austin, was fifteen, he moved

back to Georgia with his dad. He and I became very close during this time. When Wayne got

drunk and out of control, Austin would often walk across the street to my house and spend the

night. During this time, I could see the pain Austin was experiencing due to his father’s

alcoholism. When Austin and I were both sophomores in high schoolAustin’s and my

sophomore year of high school, Wayne was drunk while driving his motorcycle. He lost control

of his bike and was in a terrible accident. He spent a month in the hospital with severe brain

Comment [p4]:   My thesis has often been a weak point when it comes to my writings.  It is evident that the thesis that I deleted is less relevant and clear than the one that I added.  Throughout the semester, I have improved at my ability to formulate a thesis, but I still recognize it as an ongoing problem.  The new revision to the thesis can showcase some of my improvement and success as a writer. 

Comment [p5]: Concise is key.  This simple change makes the sentence flow a lot better and will in turn keep the attention of the reader throughout the remainder of the essay. 

Comment [p6]:   Since I will be using the name of my friend Austin through the remainder of the essay, It is unnecessary to subset his name with comas within a sentence.  Using comas would take away from Austin’s significance within the essay and imply he is not an important topic‐ which is false. 

Comment [p7]:   By saying Austin’s and my sophomore year instead of saying when Austin and I were both causes the sentence to flow much better.  Writing is all about the flow and if the reader gets lost in the flow, that will in turn take away from the meaning and the entire impact of the essay as a whole. 

Stinespring 21

21  

damage. God only knows how close to death Wayne really was. After the accident, Wayne quit

drinking, but his sobriety only lasted for about six months. After When he regained his health,

he began gradually drinking more and more. Now, Wayne’s problem with alcohol is worse than

ever.

Wayne’s children have had to deal with some of the consequences of their father’s

problem with alcohol. Wayne’s children often wear a mask that hides the emotional damage

created from their father’s problem with alcohol. I have observed so much emotional strain from

Wayne’s children that it will be difficult to do the hardships they encountered justice. My

parents are still together, but I can only imagine how hard it would be to have each parent less

involved in my life. When Austin came over those nights when his dad was too drunk to control

himself, I could sense that Austin had no feeling of self- worth. He would sometimes cry and

others he would simply laugh to keep from crying. During Wayne’s time in the hospital, Austin

and I were walking around the hospital talking. He told me that for the first time in his life he

prayed. He prayed that his father would live and not die. Austin was not a religious person, so

the fact that he prayed made me realize just how desperate he was. I am not saying that to

believe in God one must be desperate, but for Austin this was the case. After the accident, life

eventually went back to normal for Wayne. He began to get drunk a little more and more more

often. Currently, Wayne has been less involved with his children due to his drinking patterns. A

couple of weeks ago, while Justin and his sister Ella were down visiting Austin and their dad for

fall break, Justin opened up to me about his disgust with his father. He told me how during the

week, his dad had barely spent any time with him and his siblings. He then said that his dad was

dead to him and the only reason he was coming to visit was for Austin and me.

Comment [p8]:   A problem I have with writing is making all my sentences sound the same and uniform.  When there are two sentences in a row that begin with the same word, it takes away from the flow of the essay. 

Comment [p9]:   My formation and creation of topic sentences is definitely an issue I face as a writer.  But With this revision, my ability to create topic sentences has improved a great deal.  I often do not link the rest of the paragraph back to the topic sentence, so I have to be more careful and aware when I am creating the topic sentences.  I have made improvements, however, to this shortcoming and my improvement is evident in my revision. 

Comment [p10]: This was a good point to clarify that a person does not have to be desperate to pray, but I need to clarify and have it more easily‐readable for the reader in order to ensure my point is captured. 

Comment [p11]:   Looking back at the phrase “a little more and more” makes me realize the informality of the sentence.  It is also a bit childish and can take away from the impact of my main goal.

Stinespring 22

22  

Selfishness is what Wayne’s situation boils down to. Psychologically, his children will

be affected for the rest of their lives. I could see in Austin no sense of self-worth. His father was

the only parent he lived with, and due to the fact that Wayne was drunk more times than not,

Austin had to fend for himself. Wayne did almost nothing to help Austin, and this hurt Austin

Austin had to do almost everything on his own, with no help from his father, and I could tell this

hurt Austin. On one side, he grew up quicker, but on the other, he lost part of his youth. With

Wayne currently out almost every night partying, it can be certain that Wayne is only caring

about himself. He has a son at home who only wishes to be loved and acknowledged by his

father. Instead, Wayne is out doing what makes him feel good while Austin is without

leadership and guidance from his dad. It is sad to think about how Wayne’s children dealt with

the realization that their father chooses alcohol over them. Austin mostly keeps quiet about his

disgust for his father, but Justin is coming to realize that he and his siblings are not a priority in

the life of his father. Justin told me that his father is dead to him, and this made me realize how

alone and distant from his father he really felt. Justin has always been the one to see past his

father’s vice. He has only seen the love that is in Wayne, but the fact that Justin said this about

his father made me realize just how serious the situation has become.

Looking at Wayne’s selfish decisions regarding his love for alcohol, I have learned a lot

about parenting. I look forward to the day when I have children. Wayne will always be a

deterrent for how not to act toward my kids. Wayne is a great guy when he is sober, but when he

gets drunk he turns into a different person. I want to avoid this kind of selfishness, not only the

pain of alcoholism but also any habit that jeopardizes the welfare of my children. Wayne’s

selfishness makes me want to be more selfless when raising my children. When I look back at

the pain and suffering Wayne has caused his children, I begin to think of hope for the future

Comment [p12]:  This change makes the sentence flow so much better.  The fact is that the reader will subconsciously be turned off by a lack of flow, and this in turn will take away from the power of my point. 

Comment [p13]: Making the change from dealt to deal makes the reader aware that the problem is ongoing.  It I would have left it as dealt, the reader would no longer sympathize with Austin because that will automatically think the problem has been resolved. 

Comment [p14]: This is a good point, but it is not the point that I am trying to carry for the final paragraph.  I did want to reveal the parenting tips I got from Wayne, but my topic sentences have to entice the reader to keep going.  Even know the reader is nearly done with the essay, the main point is at the end and I cannot afford to turn off the mind of the reader. 

Stinespring 23

23  

success of my household. Wayne has unknowingly shown me how to act, or at least how not to

act, when it comes to parenting. By making a simple choice, any parent can put their own

priorities below the welfare of their children. Along with learning the value of selflessness, I

have learned the value of spending time with children. The time a father spends with his kids

will affect them for the rest of their lives. Therefore, I will show my kids affection in such a way

that they must know they are love. Behind God and my wife, my children will be of most

importance in my life.

Comment [p15]:   Wrapping up the essay, I should have put more thought into the point that I wanted to make in order to better verbalize that point.  Also, love should have been loved the way the original essay read. 

Stinespring 24

24  

Works Cited

Brooks, David. “Social Animal.” The New Yorker. Condé Nast, January 2011. Web. 1 November

2011.

25  

Most Successful Essay (Final)

Paul Stinespring

Professor Horton

18 October 2011

Article Essay 2

The Elegant Choice: Selflessness over Selfishness

A quote from the article “Social Animal” by David Brooks allowed me to see a topic that

is not directly evident in the article, but it is a topic that should not go unnoticed. The quote

comes at the end of the first paragraph and says, “Theirs was a statelier ascent. They got good

grades in school, established solid social connections, joined fine companies, medical practices,

and law firms. Wealth settled down upon them gradually, like a gentle snow.” This quote led me

to think about the different routes the rich take in order to be wealthy. Some people accumulate

wealth corruptly, while others accumulate wealth through hard work. At any rate, I then began

to make a connection between the status of the wealthy with the status and responsibilities of a

father. The wealthy are at the top tier of society while the father is supposed to be at the top,

leading the family. Sometimes wealthy individuals do not handle their power like they should.

Likewise, the father of the family does not always take on his responsibilities, thus leaving his

wife and children to deal with his irresponsibility.

It is sad when a father does not embrace the responsibilities that are bestowed to him.

Like the wealthy not using their power to better the economy or further better their personal

assets, so is a father who does not value the lives of his wife and children as a top priority. A

man who did not embrace the responsibilities of a father is found in a man I know, named

Wayne. Wayne has chosen alcohol over the responsibilities of being a husband and a father. My

26  

grandfather was an alcoholic at one point in his life and my mother has told me some stories

about his actions. Even though I never met my grandfather, I learned a lot about life from the

selfish decisions he once made. But the things I have learned from my grandfather’s life are only

from things I have heard. When it comes to Wayne’s problem with alcohol, I have been able to

observe things that have taught me about the selfishness that goes along with alcoholism.

Wayne is only interested in himself and this selfishness has caused his children to try and cope

with the fact that their father has chosen a substance over the special bond between a father and

his children; the children try and seem unaffected through it all.

Wayne, thus far, has chosen alcoholism over his children. The love or obsessions with a

substance like alcohol can tear apart a family. Eight years ago, Wayne and his wife got a divorce

due to his abuse of alcohol. She and their three children, two boys and a girl, moved to her

hometown in Kentucky. I was crushed because my two best friends were moving to a different

state. The kids came back to visit for summers and most holidays, so my relationship with them

remained strong. When the oldest son Austin was fifteen, he moved back to Georgia with his

dad. He and I became very close during this time. When Wayne got drunk and out of control,

Austin would often walk across the street to my house and spend the night. During this time, I

could see the pain Austin was experiencing due to his father’s alcoholism. Austin’s and my

sophomore year of high school, Wayne was drunk while driving his motorcycle. He lost control

of his bike and was in a terrible accident. He spent a month in the hospital with severe brain

damage. God only knows how close to death Wayne really was. After the accident, Wayne quit

drinking, but his sobriety only lasted for about six months. When he regained his health, he

began gradually drinking more and more. Now, Wayne’s problem with alcohol is worse than

ever.

27  

Wayne’s children often wear a mask that hides the emotional damage created from their

father’s problem with alcohol. I have observed so much emotional strain from Wayne’s children

that it will be difficult to do the hardships they encountered justice. My parents are still together,

but I can only imagine how hard it would be to have each parent less involved in my life. When

Austin came over those nights when his dad was too drunk to control himself, I could sense that

Austin had no feeling of self-worth. He would sometimes cry and others he would simply laugh

to keep from crying. During Wayne’s time in the hospital, Austin and I were walking around the

hospital talking. He told me that for the first time in his life he prayed. He prayed that his father

would live and not die. Austin was not a religious person, so the fact that he prayed made me

realize just how desperate he was. I am not saying that to believe in God one must be desperate,

but for Austin this was the case. After the accident, life eventually went back to normal for

Wayne. He began to get drunk more often. Currently, Wayne has been less involved with his

children due to his drinking patterns. A couple of weeks ago, while Justin and his sister Ella

were down visiting Austin and their dad for fall break, Justin opened up to me about his disgust

with his father. He told me how during the week, his dad had barely spent any time with him

and his siblings. He then said that his dad was dead to him and the only reason he was coming to

visit was for Austin and me.

Selfishness is what Wayne’s situation boils down to. Psychologically, his children will

be affected for the rest of their lives. I could see in Austin no sense of self-worth. His father was

the only parent he lived with, and due to the fact that Wayne was drunk more times than not,

Austin had to fend for himself. Austin had to do almost everything on his own, with no help

from his father, and I could tell this hurt Austin. On one side, he grew up quicker, but on the

other, he lost part of his youth. With Wayne currently out almost every night partying, it can be

28  

certain that Wayne is only caring about himself. He has a son at home who only wishes to be

loved and acknowledged by his father. Instead, Wayne is out doing what makes him feel good

while Austin is without leadership and guidance from his dad. It is sad to think about how

Wayne’s children deal with the realization that their father chooses alcohol over them. Austin

mostly keeps quiet about his disgust for his father, but Justin is coming to realize that he and his

siblings are not a priority in the life of his father. Justin told me that his father is dead to him,

and this made me realize how alone and distant from his father he really felt. Justin has always

been the one to see past his father’s vice. He has only seen the love that is in Wayne, but the fact

that Justin said this about his father made me realize just how serious the situation has become.

Looking at Wayne’s selfish decisions regarding his love for alcohol, I have learned a lot

about parenting. I look forward to the day when I have children. Wayne will always be a

deterrent for how not to act toward my kids. Wayne is a great guy when he is sober, but when he

gets drunk he turns into a different person. I want to avoid this kind of selfishness, not only the

pain of alcoholism but also any habit that jeopardizes the welfare of my children. Wayne’s

selfishness makes me want to be more selfless when raising my children. When I look back at

the pain and suffering Wayne has caused his children, I begin to think of hope for the future

success of my household. Wayne has unknowingly shown me how to act, or at least how not to

act, when it comes to parenting. By making a simple choice, any parent can put their own

priorities below the welfare of their children. Along with learning the value of selflessness, I

have learned the value of spending time with children. The time a father spends with his kids

will affect them for the rest of their lives. Therefore, I will show my kids affection in such a way

that they must know they are love. Behind God and my wife, my children will be of most

importance in my life.

29  

Works Cited

Brooks, David. “Social Animal.” The New Yorker. Condé Nast, January 2011. Web. 1 November

2011.