fall 2013; spok! magazine

8/13/2019 Fall 2013; spOK! Magazine

1/16

ONLY

$60K

Is EveryonePregnant?

Kanye: I DontThink Emory is aTop 20 School IHADHIT

ROCK

BOTTOM

Swoops AmazingWeight Loss

Plummet dishes on sex,drugs and Candy Crush

EXCLUSIVE


2/16


3/16

F a l l 2 0 1 3 e m o ry s p o ke . o r g

latestnewsCram Session

Matheson Reading Room, Nov. 30

Plummet passes the time inrehab catching up on his Camus

HOTMESS!

4 STRAIGHT INTO THE TRASHWe look briey at your criticisms, thenimmediately continue not caring

6

STARS: THEYRE JUST LIKE US!Celebrities are people too, just better

than you!

7 CHECK THEIR PRIVILEGEWe stalk your favorite campuscelebrities so you dont have to violateyour restraining order!

8 RESIDENT TRAIN WRECKThey tried to make him go to StudentHealth Services and he said no, no, no

10REINCARNATION SENSATION

The Dalai Lama spills the beanson students past lives...watch yourmouths, or you might be reborn as aSpoke editor

11 FASHION POLICENo justice for the ugly12 TROUBLE IN BRO-ADISEAdam is seriously such a dick. Its like,

you couldnt even text me?

14 HOROSPOKESorry to break it to you, Virgos, but itlooks like youre not getting invited tothe Theta semiformal

15 QUIZ: HOW POOR WILL YOU BE?Youd better work on your LinkedIn,Sociology major

Check out our website: emoryspoke.org

Hit us up on Facebook, Twitter and Grindr!

Spring Applications are open! Apply onlin

Questions, Comments, Insults?Email [email protected]


4/16

MailBasket

Greetings pathetic Spokians,Today is the most important day of the week. For itis Twerk Friday, a tradition honored and celebratedby Emorys number one comedy news source, TheEmory Wheel, as mentioned in our uproarious ar-ticle Twerk Fridays Bring Booty Shaking to LSM.Instead of being immature wieners by relying on ourvery own presidents gigantic scrotum for comedicfodder, we took a pressing issue and turned it intosomething relatable that the student body can laughabout. And, yo, Im not even saying that writing aboutsomeones balls is a bad idea. In fact, were about

to publish our very own story on Sack SwingingSundays in Harris. If you shitwads did some actualreporting, youd know that every Sunday the resi-dents of Harris Hall dangle their hairy gonads fromthe study lounge window and ail them around likea grape orchard on a windy day. You see, at theWheel, we pride ourselves in being a collective part-nership of not only valuable journalists but ingenioushumorists inspired by comedy revolutionaries likeBob Saget and Sinbad. As an avid reader of all Em-ory publications, I cant help but feel sorry for the factthat your desperate humor ventures do not comeclose to comparing to the comedic genius found inour work.... Or should I say, our twerk. Happy TwerkFriday, losers. You will never come close to reinvent-

ing the Wheel.-Ryan Feierstone, Sports editor for theWheel

I was absolutely appalled by last issues coverage of Swoops Week. Yourexclusive interview and photoshoot with Dispatch, as advertised on themagazines cover, turned out to be an exclusive interview and photoshoot withtwo raggedy college students standing outside the WoodPEC and an orange stickgure that you must have drawn into the photos using the Windows 95 version ofMS Paint. Look, I get it. The college kids had shaggy beards and were wearingkhakis that were awkwardly cut off at the mid-shin area. Its a mistake anyonecould make, but seriously, the stick gure? That feature had about as muchjournalistic integrity as the Snapchat I sent out last weekend while sad-drunkat ZBT. I even Googled Emory Spoke Fact Check to see if you had anyonewho vaguely resembled a fact-checker on your staff, and I was automaticallyredirected to a webpage whose domain name was penisland.co.ck andfeatured nothing but that Breadsh video from 2009 on an unstoppable loop.In fact I couldnt navigate away from the page, turn the volume off, or shut off

my computer, so I ended up taking a sledgehammer to my laptop in a t of rage.In response to this letter, I demand that that you send me a new MacBook Proand give me back my sanity. And I beg you, hire a fact-checker, or at least useWikipedia. At this rate, I might have to start getting my news from CNN. Ugh.

DUDE, WHERES MY TUITION?I found your previous article on President Wagners home to be horriblyinconclusive, as you missed many important details. First off, anyone who knowsJames personally is aware that he gets terribly offended if you call it anything

other than the Swag Castle in his presence, as its an image hes worked hardto maintain. You hardly made any mention of the Debt Ceiling in his bedroom -the ceiling mounted television that displays the rising debt of his student bodythat he watches for hours each night to relax before bed. You failed completelyto talk about the moat he has surrounding his estate which hes lled with freshlygraduated English majors that have been cut off by their parents, making theironly current food source the human esh of intruders. And the garage? Wherewas that in your article? Are you insinuating that the President parks his yellowand navy Ferrari, Eagle One, outside like some sort of barbarian? Listen, Imnot saying that your article was intended to be offensive or insulting, but if youregoing to leave out some of the most important details of Wagners estate, dontexpect him to utilize its nuclear missile silo to defend you when Wash U nallycomes for us.

Why is celebrity news so racy today? Your generation prances around posting pictures of celebrity bacteria and pantsless, stuffed eagles.I remember last year my eight-year-old son told me he liked the funny pictures in spOK!, and then got in trouble the next day at school. Iwanted to educate my son about content in the media and I kept screeching and screeching, and I havent seen him since. Also, my wifeleft me. I dearly miss the good old days when spOK!sold girl scout cookies, Gumby keychains, and had pictures of the most adorablelittle puppies. Really some of the cutest things Id ever seen in my life. And why cant I order girl scout cookies? Why wont the mailmancome my house anymore? This is entirely your magazines fault, and I want compensation, and when I get it, boy howdy, will there besome changes. Im so lonely.

WE FIRED OUR FACT-CHECKING KITTEN

FRONT PAGE OF THE WHEEL

GET OFF MY LAWN

Ur magazin mayd miuhliterit.Reader comment on emoryspoke.org

You ask the important questions, and we ignore them

4 spOK! FALL 2013


5/16


6/16

STARS-

THEYRE

JUSTLIKE

US!

Theydontreaddirections!

Theyuseutensils

!

Theydontusecones!

6 spOK! FALL 2013

Theybreakmasturbation

records!

TheywearAdidas!


7/16

Chomez


8/16

cover story

ROCK BOTTOMOne day, Swoop called

me and said that I neededto go to rehab, Plummet

said. Ive never consideredmyself a quitter, but I was

running out of nonvitalorgans to trade.


9/16

Plummets Battle with

Addiction Elegance enveloped me as I entered Plum-met Eagles Druid Hills mansion. I shut thecarved wooden door behind me and the re-sulting thud reverberated off the white mar-ble walls. The celebrity eagle then beckonedme into his study, where I found him reclinedupon a magenta chaise lounge. A crystalchandelier was perched above him, illumi-nating the countless leatherbound tomesthat encompassed the room.

Without exerting too much effort, Plummetpointed at the nearby Target bean bag chairand instructed me to sit. This isnt actually my house, said Plum-

met. I think the owners are on vacation. I then said a silent prayer hoping the neigh-bors wouldnt nd my car and alert area lawenforcement before beginning the interviewproper.

How did your struggles with addiction be-gin? I asked. Plummet stirred on his chaiselounge in thought. It all started back while I was part ofFledglingz II Eaglez with Swoop, Dive, andRoger, he said. I was hoping to differentiate myself enoughto begin a solo career and my manager apt-ly suggested that I develop an addiction toketamine, an anesthetic aid for horses, hecontinued. Before the age of 20, Plummet had alreadycontributed to three platinum records as amember of the hit band. Though never a fanfavorite like Swoop, he was recognized asthe second-baddest boy of Fledglingz II Ea-glez. Swoop also suggested that I get somefrosted tips, Plummet said. I didnt think Icould live with myself having frosted tips, soI opted for the ketamine. Unfortunately, as Icarus before him, Plum-met ew too close to the sun in his quest foruniqueness. He awoke three months later tond himself in a dumpster behind the Em-ory Village CVS. Fledglingz II Eaglez had

moved on without him. It was denitely a wake-up call, he said. Iknew I needed a more buzzworthy addictionthat would resonate with the coveted 18-24age group. Looking for an answer, Plummet rum-maged through the contents of his dumpsterabode. After a short while, he said, he dis-covered the answer to his prayers inside ofa month-old edition of the New York Times. I knew that kids loved crossword puzzlesand I also knew that no other celebrity had

an addiction to entering words or phrasesinto a grid, Plummet said. I recall proudlysaying to myself, This is how trends arestarted. For the next three years Plummet madethe most of every opportunity to showcaseto the media just how addicted he was tocrossword puzzles. I would go to these cra-zy parties in Buckhead and throw expensivebottles of cognac indiscriminately at celebri-ties before slipping into the bathroom to do afew hours worth of crossword puzzles, saidPlummet. This one time I actually knocked Frankie

Muniz unconscious with a well-placed bottleof Remy Martin Louis XIII, he continued.

Plummets innovative gamble worked. Hebegan to re-emerge into the spotlight, earn-ing a variety of guest appearances on day-time talk shows. He came clean about hiscrossword addiction on a special episodeof The Dr. Oz Show in a performance thatbrought many a tear to the eyes of stay-at-home-parents across America.

But just as fame was within his grasp,Plummet says, his life quickly turned into a10-letter word for a crashed locomotive.

I spent whatever money I had left oncrosswords and anything that would improvemy diction he said. It got to the point whereI would dig out puzzles that were alreadyused from the trash. You dont know what its like until youvesold a kidney just to pay for your next weeksworth of crossword puzzles, he said. Meanwhile, former Fledglingz II Eaglez

member Swoop had spun off into a suc-cessful solo career as the mascot of the im-mensely popular Division III sports at EmoryUniversity. By 2007, he was one of the mostpopular mascots in all of college sports,second only to the University of California,Santa Cruzs banana slug. One day, Swoop called me and said thatI needed to go to rehab, Plummet said witha sigh. Ive never considered myself a quit-ter, but I was running out of nonvital organsto trade.

Plummet checked into rehab. The monthsof juice cleanses and hot yoga changed him,he says. He re-emerged into the world a neweagle.Thats not completely true, he said. Foraround ve months I was addicted to rehab. But things were looking up. After rehab,Plummet took a humble job as a janitor in theAtlanta headquarters of Delta Airlines. With-in three years, he had worked his way up tothe top. Some would say that he worked hisway up by the sweat of his brow, but, unfor-tunately, birds dont have sweat glands. Beloved by the media and the public alike,

Plummet ushered in a glorious, new age forthe company. He had cast off the spectre ofhis previous addictions and was now knownas the most successful of the Fledglingz IIEaglez alumni. The golden age of Plummet wouldntlast. At the 10-year reunion for the musicalgroup, Swoop pulled Plummet aside to ex-press his admiration. In a modern-day avianrecreation of Shakespeares Julius Caesar,Swoop brought down the swift dagger of be-trayal upon the hapless Plummet. He said, Hey man, you should check outthis Candy Crush game, said Plummet. Hewanted me out of the picture for good. One week later, Plummet was found na-ked and unconscious underneath the CoxHall bridge. Nestled next to his beak was aniPhone, displaying level 301 of Candy Crush. Candy Crush makes ketamine look likeFlintstones vitamins, said Plummet.

After being arrested for public indecency,Plummet had a revelation. He needed to ex-act revenge on Swoop.

I wanted to beat him at his own game,said Plummet. I signed with the Spokewiththe intent to steal the spotlight away fromthat smiling bastard.

He hasnt had much success, he says. Heattributed his failure to the subpar humor ofThe Spokeas well as Swoops iron grip on

Emorys marketing department. In case you were wondering, this is actu-ally Swoops house, he said. And lets justsay that Ive been spending time at EmorysArsonist Club. At this point I concluded the interviewand bid Plummet a good day. Time will tellwhether or not this formerly-beloved avianwill return to the spotlight. One thing is forcertain, though - my employers dont payme enough to deal with unstable, D-list ce-lebrity eagles.

Nobody knowsmy struggle.

- Plummet

FALL 2013 spOK! 9

Exclusive


10/16

before & after

Reincarnation

WrittenbyHisHolinesstheD

alaiLamaXIV

10 spOK! FALL 2013

Current Life: Rex is a proud man, and an avid participant incampus life. From his never-ending stream of posted Buzzfeedlinks on Facebook, to his passion for raising his hand to make inanecomments in philosophy class, an otherworldly presence of hisancestors can be felt within him.

Past Life:Rex was a preacher, until one day he was battered andberated by the ignorant townspeople. He was beaten to death by anannoyed city guard.

Sophomore Rex Jiu

Current Life: A mild-manneredbrother of Pi Kappa Alpha. To me, heseems to be a simple man, capableof developing the occasional semi-rational thought. A peaceful soul,certainly, he spends his life like the

wind in my former home of Tibet,simply breezing to and fro from hallcrawl to hall crawl.

Past Life:He spent many years as acommon sewer rat in Latin America,and rolled in lth and garbage ofhumans.

Junior Phil SnyderCurrent Life:A classic Emorynon-conformist. His drapedblack clothing and unkempthair go well with his copyof Beyond Good and Evil(unread, of course). The partylife doesnt seem to reallybe him, but he will alwayshave his candles, unpleasantdisposition, and handcuffs.

Past Life: Ben was anadorable little hamster, justthe cutest little fellow youveever seen! What a cute littlehamster!

Senior Ben Cravely

Junior Laura GraventCurrent Life:A peppy sorority sister.The sisterhood courses through herveins like chemical waste down theGuangzhou. Passionate about hersocial standing, but she will alwayslove her little.

Past Life:Laura was a black widowspider who ate her young and hermates for sustenance.

Past Life:In a past life, AJ was aferocious wolf. Not just any wolfthough; he wandered the plainsand mountains on his own, theapex predator of the great whitenorth. Feared by all, he was a truelone wolf.

Current Life:AJ, a revolting GDI,eats at the DUC alone.

Sophomore AJ Getz


11/16

FALL 2013 spOK! 11

StarFASHION

They wore what?!On November 30 at 2:28 a.m., Emoryfashion police responded to a callfrom a taxi driver who was returningtwo students to campus from MaggiesNeighborhood Bar and Grill. Prior toentering the vehicle, the students andthe driver settled upon a xed fare.Upon arrival at Emory, the studentsrefused to pay the fare. Following thedispute, fashion ofcers arrived, andthe students confessed that summerseason is over and its time to putsome sweatshirts over their frat tanks.

On December 1, 2013, at approximately 10:07 PM, Emory fashionpolice ofcers responded to the area of Peachtree Street andPeachtree Drive regarding a trafc collision. Upon arrival, ofcers

discovered a male adult pedestrian who had been struck by a vehiclejust after loading luggage into a parked vehicle. According to witnessstatements, the driver involved is described as a 511 male, tryingto pull off a scarf indoors as well as a Pompadour haircut fromSupercuts. The driver did not stop at the scene and so far no onehas offered a full description of his outt, but it is assumed he wasgoing for a JT vibe from like, two years ago. If the suspect is spotted,civilians should immediately call 111, the emergency fashion hotline,and ofcers will be on their way with cuffed chinos and a chambrayshirt. The pedestrian was immediately transported by paramedics to alocal area hospital where he was pronounced deceased.

On December 2, 2013, at approximately 12:51 p.m., Emory Fashion Ofcers were dispatched to the 112000 block of Peachtree St.

regarding an armed robbery. Upon arrival, ofcers found two adult females and two adult males at the scene, including the robberwho was dressed impeccably in plaid annel, cuffed brown oxfords, and a tasteful statement scarf. After escorting the dapper robberto a safe zone, fashion ofcers opened re on the style transgressors, who suffered multiple gunshot wounds. The three victims weretransported to a local area hospital. The victims are identied as:

Emily Pham (2 gunshot wounds, critical condition), adult asian female, 20-years-old who must have thought she was inBreakfast at Tiffanys with the LBD she had on. Reality check girl, this is a Kroger!

Sarah Clarkson (1 gunshot wound, stable condition), adult black female, 71-years-old in Crocs and a velour jumpsuit. Talkabout a hot mess!

Ben Fox (9 gunshot wounds and a slap in the face, critical condition), adult white male, 28-years-old in pleated khakis and acardigan that looks like it had been stored in a moth nest. At the hospital, his grandfather called and asked for his wardrobe back.


12/16

WHYDIDNTADAMINV

ACONCERNEDSPOKEREPORTERASKS:

dramaaaa

12 spOK! FALL 2013

Adam checks his phonefor text messages from a

friend WHO ISNT ME.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS,ADAM?!? You were supposedto be at Zaya 10 minutes ago!

Adam and the mysterious stranger share a meal thatwill hopefully give them both severe food poisioning.

Adam, you fucked with thewrong photojournalist.


13/16

TEMETOHANGOUT?

FALL 2013 spOK! 13

Did you forget to do somethingtoday, Adam? Did you forget to call

someone?

Hey Judas, are you dreaming of BETRAYAL???

Yeah,sure,Adam.Runawayfromyourproblems.IllseeyoubrightandearlytomorrowinAstronomy.

(Shit, I forgot to turn the ash off)

TraitorousSwine!


14/16

horoscopethe forecast:reminding you that your life iscontrolled by gaseous planets

LIBRASEPT 23 - OCT 22

Saturn, Neptune, and the Cox clock

tower are all conspiring against you.

You must fnd a way to destroy them.

SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21

Everythings going to go great for

you this week, at least, up until themeteor strike.

SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21The stars are arranged in your favor

but if your tea leaves say otherwise,stay indoors and call your mother this

weekend. People unexpectedly pass

away all the time. Please call. Please.

CAPRICORNDEC 22 - JAN 19Seven of the planets are in line but Ju-

piter royally screwed up your luck this

week. Visit CDC.gov for information on

avoiding MRSA.

AQUARIUSJAN 20 - FEB 18Take care when walking through theWoodPEC; everyone is looking at you.

Those guys laughing? Theyre laugh-

ing at you.

PISCESFEB 19 - MARCH 20Venus is pulling you towards a hot

Gemini but dont give in, because thatAquarius youve been best friends withsince Songfest is close to putting out.

ARIESMARCH 21 - APRIL 19Due to the relative positions of Marsand the B-School this month, that

friend that you dont really like is going

to want to hang out. Yeah, theyre still

annoying.

TAURUSAPRIL 20 - MAY 20The waxing moon is approaching;

everyone will think you look beyond

hideous tomorrow.

GEMINIMAY 21 - JUNE 21

The pull of Venus is strong on Ura-nus, making this month the perfecttime for risky sexual behaviors. You

will probably contract an STD.

CANCERJUNE 22 - JULY 22Life just always seems to suck for

you, doesnt it? Well, nothing is go-

ing to change anytime soon.

LEOJULY 23 - AUG 22

Youre gonna forget to do that thing

you need to do again. You know, thatthing with the handcuffs.

VIRGOAUG 23 - SEPT 22

Emory Unplugged isnt happy about

the position of the Moon. Expectconnection to drop while uploading

important papers, or, more impor-

tantly, watching Planet Earth while

stoned at 4 am.


15/16

Web Editor Nick Trap Game:George Costanza Bowman

Managing Editor Martin Siggy Stardust SigalLayout Editor Will Its Mags Oclock Ezor

Treasurer Jon Phight Club Baird

Editorial

Jacob This is the Mets Year! AlbrechtDominique Sketch BareldGreer So Fetch Bronson

Asha A$ha CaslinConnor Straight Outta Mizzou Chapman

Scott Costume Squire ClantonGeorgia Existential Emory Alert Davidson

Laura I Walk This Lonely DUC FlintJenny Shutter Shades Fu

Melrose Place HuangDavid Skippy Joannides

Jamie Twitter Champ JoseJulia Juicy J Leonardos

Mackenzie Hella Legit LevyRebecca Stacks Police Molinsky

Armaan Spotted NaraniWilma Photo credit Qiu

Andy JWags is My BFF RattoJohn Cox Bachelor Roofeh

Nick Candy Crusher SalingerMack Nice Binoculars SchroederJosh Perfect Attendance Wentzel

Gabi The Gabbening WolozinTyler Obligatory Long Islander Zelinger

Eva 4Eva Zhang

Spoke Staff

Zack KetchumAlex Levy

Mylan Traylor

Models

Editor-in-Chief:Dave Kensington, Duke of Uppityshire Ste

Jim Wagners Happy Fun Quiz: How Successful Will You Be?(a little quiz to see if youll outdo those liberal arts shitheads)

Directions: Pick only one answer. Start off at zero points, or whatevernumber you feel like, man. Actually, mark all that apply. Send results intoThe Emory Spoke for quality assurance purposes.

1I am...

a) A compulsive neurotic. (+1 point)b) Unable to sit still when someone mentionsnetworking. (+2 points)c) Discouraged by directions I do notunderstand. (-2 points)d) A member of an organization sportingarbitrary Greek letters. If youre top house, bro,add 3 points. If youre, like, bottom house, (-3points.)

2 When it comes todoing work, I...

a) Make sure that other kids dont scoreas well as me by giving them bad advice. (+3points)b) Help out others when I can. (-3 points)c) Help out others when they ask. (-2 points)d) Cheat off of good students. (+2 points)

3 At parties, Im the type ofperson who...

a) Pretends to enjoy talking to others so thatI may use them or favors or connections later.(+3 points)b) Sits alone, quietly sipping beer. (-2 point).c) Stands alone, quietly sipping a handle. (-1point)d) Hits on members of my preferred genderand gets really pissed off when they cant closethe deal. (+2 points)

4a) Berating feminist organizations. (+2 points)b) Networking. (+3 points)c) Treating DUC workers like shit. (+3 points)

d) Thoughtful conversations with squirrels. (-2points).

5a) Am a seless lover. (-2 points)b) Am a selsh lover. (+1 points)

c) Am concerned with getting into Goizueta or mypreferred medical school. (+3 points)

d) Fall asleep rst. (+1 points)

6I tend to...a) Have ink on my hands a lot. (-1 point)b) Chew with my mouth open. (+1 point)

c) Sit in Starbucks writing quizzes for publicationsnobody will read. (-3 points)

d) Diagnose my peers with mental disorders. (+2points)

7When I do a little self-reection,Im still bitter about...

a) Angela. (-2 points)b) Michael. (-2 points)

c) Not getting into UC Long Beach. (+3 points)d) A DUC worker not having the right type of bread.

(+1 point)

TALLY UP YOURSCORE!

25-35:Youll get a job right out of college, which is themost important thing ever.15-25: Feel bad.5-15:Living above the poverty level is doubtful.0-5:Drop out.Negative:Submit an application to the Emory Wheel.

In my spare time, I enjoy...

In bed, I...

Go Eagles!

FALL 2013 spOK! 15


16/16

fall 2013; spok! magazine

Documents