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    Directeur de publication : Serge Bergamelli

    Les cours du Cned sont strictement rservs lusage priv de leurs destinataires et ne sont pas destins une utilisation collective.

    Les personnes qui sen serviraient pour dautres usages, qui en feraient une reproduction intgrale ou partielle, une traduction sansle consentement du Cned, sexposeraient des poursuites judiciaires et aux sanctions pnales prvues par le Code de la propritintellectuelle. Les reproductions par reprographie de livres et de priodiques protgs contenues dans cet ouvrage sont effectues par leCned avec lautorisation du Centre franais dexploitation du droit de copie (20, rue des Grands Augustins, 75006 Paris).

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    !"#$#%& !"#!"#$%& #()%*+,-$Since when did obedience become the epitome* of good parenting?Annalisa Barbieri, guardian.co.uk, Thursday 19 January 2012 10.16 GMT

    We all want impeccably behaved children, right? Well maybe not, says Annalisa Barbieri.

    Here, she questions why there is such a fashion for taming our youngsters.

    Two stories caught my attention recently. One was a report that "#$%&'($) "%"*$& are more challenging in their

    behaviour and the other was about a new book called French Children Don't Throw Food: about +,- .#$/0+

    0+*1)#$/apparently behave really well, in restaurants and just generally.

    (Hmm. Can I pause here to tell you a story? My aunt was French. She had twins. She'd carry round a little whip

    actually several little leather straps of about 6" in length, all coming together into a wooden handle. She would

    hit my cousins on the back of their legs if they stepped even a tiny bit out of line. The word I remember her

    saying the most was "arrte". But it is absolutely true to say I never once saw them throw food.)

    Most parenting books are about how to get children to do things well. By well, read obediently. When and how

    you - the adult - want them to do something: eat well, pee in the potty, sleep well (that's the big one), behave

    well. The aim, it would seem, is to raise compliant children. Because, according to these books, obedient

    children = successful parents, disobedient = head hanging failures. But actually is an obedient child cause for

    concern or celebration? The more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became by this question. Telling

    someone their child is obedient is (usually) meant as a compliment. But an obedient adult? Not quite so attractive

    is it? We have other words for that, doormat being one of them.

    Alfie Kohn, author of 'Unconditional Parenting. Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason'

    says, "When I ask parents, at the beginning of my lectures, what their long term goals are for the children, I hear

    words such as ethical, compassionate independent happy and so on. No-one ever says mindlessly compliant."

    A compliant child becomes a particular concern, Kohn admits, when they reach adolescence. "If they take their

    orders from other people, that may include people we may not approve of. To put it the other way around: kids

    who are subject to peer pressure at its worst are kids whose parents taught them to do what they're told."

    Alison Roy, lead child and adolescent psychotherapist at East Sussex Child and Adolescent Mental Health

    Services (CAMHS), says: "A child will push the boundaries if they have a more secure attachment. Children

    who have been responded to, led to believe - in a healthy way - that their voice is valued, that all they have to do

    is object and action will be taken - they will push boundaries. And this is really healthy behaviour. Compliance?

    They've learned there's no point arguing because their voice isn't valued."

    So much of what we see as disobedience in children is actually just natural, curious, exploring, learning

    behaviour. Or reacting in the only way they know how to a situation over which they have no control.

    "You can threaten or bribe a child into obedience for a little while," explains Kohn, "but you are missing the big

    picture and failing to address the underlying cause [of why they may not want to do something] which may be

    environmental such as rushing a tired child through an unfamiliar place - or they may be psychological, such as

    fear about something else. A very obedient or complaint child it depends, some are more docile by

    temperament - but others have created a false self because they sense their parent will only love them if they are

    obedient. The need for autonomy doesn't vanish because kids have been cowed into doing what they're told."

    A very young child isn't actually meant to be obedient all of the time, according to Roy. This is because their

    needs are often completely at odds with an adult's. See that lovely wall you've just painted in 100-a-pot paint?

    That's just one lovely big, blank canvas to a two-year-old with a contraband crayon, who doesn't understand why

    you praise them so much for drawing on a piece of paper but shout at them for drawing on the wall. You thinkit's a cold day and want to wrestle a woolly pully over your child's head but actually the child isn't cold and

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    doesn't want it. Imagine going to a friend's house and you accidentally spill a drink and get shouted at, instead of

    them saying "oh don't worry" and mopping it up. And yet...

    There seems to be a real fashion for taming children and the reason seems to be fear: it's not that most people are

    worried about one incident of wall-scribbling, but that they seem to fear what this behaviour will turn into if it's

    not kept in check, as if all children are just waiting to grow up into sociopaths. One of the comments I get a lot,

    at the end of my columns for the.%B*1Isection of the Guardian (when I have advocated understanding and amore what would be called 'softly softly' approach to a child) is something along the lines of 'they'll turn into a

    monster if you don't put your foot down/show them who's boss'.

    "It's not based on empirical evidence," argues Kohn. "It's a very dark view of human nature.

    At the top of my list of what makes a great parent is the courage to say 'I still have something to learn and I need

    to rethink what I'm doing'. The parents who worry me are those who dismiss the kind of challenge that I and

    others offer, waving it away as unrealistic or not practical enough, or idealistic." Kohn advises a 'working with',

    rather than a 'doing to' approach to children. In short, getting to know your child, listening to them. "Talk less,

    ask more."

    What do you think? Has your child ever shamed you with a classic refusal to comply? Post your parentingwoes here

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    Steady on! Im French, was brought up the French way and while I have areas of

    disagreement with my father about his approach (more old-fashioned than French), there was

    no such repression going on! This article, because of the reference to the crazy aunt with the

    whip (my parents hit me twice in my entire life, and felt terrible about it while Ive decided I

    actually understand why they did it at the time!!), makes it sound like the French are some

    draconian child haters.

    This is ridiculous. Rather, I think theres just more effort put into getting kids used to socialize

    with adults, and that includes treating kids as people who can cope with something other thanbloody fish fingers and sausages in restaurants, and do not have to be the centre of attention

    every minute of every day.

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    How do the French manage to raise well-behaved children and have a life! What British

    parent hasn't noticed, on visiting France, how well-behaved French children are, compared to

    our own?

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    Pamela Druckerman, who lives in Paris with three young children, has had years of observing

    her French friends and neighbours, and with wit and style, is ideally placed to teach us the

    basics of parenting a la francaise.

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