Download - You're So Much More
You'reSoMuchMorebyvampire-legend
Bella'sonlyescapetoacontact-limitingparanoia,ismusic.Specificallythemusicofherfavoriteband,Asphyxiated.Whathappenswhenshestartsworkingwiththeband,andbeginstoopenuptotheleadsinger,EdwardMasen?All-HumanRated:FictionT-English-Romance/Drama-Bella,Edward-Chapters:12-Words:41,661-Reviews:346-Favs:261-Follows:177-Updated:7/26/2010-Published:6/11/2009-Status:Complete-id:5130165URL:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5130165
TableofContents
TableofContents
1.Prologue
2.HearMeNow
3.ForAllTheLovers
4.StayAwake
5.SwingLifeAway
6.TongueTied
7.Pages
8.FindMe
9.RemedyForLove
10.SongInMyHead
11.WhoIAmHatesWhoI'veBeen
12.AmazeMe
Prologue
Disclaimer:Idon'townanythingTwilightrelated.
Prologue:
Allthepainhaddieddown.Thestingonherface,thethrobinherankle,thebruisingonherwrists,thesharppulseinherscalp.Allofitwasnumb.Suffocatingandsuccumbingtothedarkfogaroundher,shewasabletomakeoutvoicesgrowinglouderbythesecond.
Theyscaredher.Theyweregettinglouderandlouder,anditwasalmostscreechinginherears.Shewantedtocryoutandtellthemtostop,butshecouldn'tmove.Shewastooscaredtoo.Whatifsomeonenoticed?Whatifthescarymanwasstillthere,waitingtohurther?
Apairofarmsthatshewantedsobadlytobefamiliarencasedher,andgentlypickedherup.Herwholebodytensed.Acoldfeelingwasspreadinginherchestandshetriedtomakeherselfmovetoscreamorrun.
"It'sokay,Bells,I'mhere.I'msosorry,Ishouldhavehavebeentheretoprotectyou."Avoicewhispered.
Thoughthevoicewasfamiliar,andusedtobecomforting,shepanickedatthefeelingofbeingtouchedandtrappedinsomeone'sarms.Despitethegentlehandwipingherfaceclean,orthefamiliarsmellofmuskyspicethatfilledhernoises,herbodywasonalert,andwantedtoscreamandrunaway.
Finally,thelittlegirlfoundhervoiceandaloudscreamshatteredthesilentnight.
HearMeNow
Thankseveryonewhosentinbandnames!Itreallyhelped.Sothisisjustthebeginningandit'salittleshakybutjusttryandbearwithme,please.
Disclaimer:IsadlydonotowntheTwilightcharacters
Bella'sPOV:
"WellitjustmakesmefeelsohappythatIshouldbeeatingrainbowsandpoopingoutbutterflies."IstatedsimplyasIcontinuedtostareatthewall.
Dr.Bennett,atedious,andskinnyasswomanwholovestostuffherselfintotheusualtherapistsuitthatmakesherlookblueintheface,justcontinuedtositthere,waitingforadecentanswertoher"Andhowdoesthatmakeyoufeel?"question.
Well,Isureashellamnotgivingyouone,soyoushouldjusttakemydad'scheckandgobuyyourselfaclue.
"Bella,pleasegivemeareasonableanswer."Shesaid,completelyignoringmysarcasm.
"I'msorry,whatwasthequestionagain?"Isaid,playingstupid.MaybeifIpushedherbuttonshardenough,she'dexplodeandrunoutofherescreaming.
"Howdoesthelackofcontactwiththemalegendermakeyoufeel?"Shesaid,patientlyagain.
"Likealoserwho'snotfuck-able."Isaid,givingheramegawattsmile,throwingmoresarcasmherwayagain.
IthinkIfinallymanagedtobreakherabit,becauseherpermanentlyplasteredsmiletwitchedabit,andherhandstensed.
"I'dappreciateitifyoudidn'tusethattypeoflanguageinmyoffice,please.We'retryingtostaypositivehere,remember?"Shesaid;hervoicealittleharder.
Ismiled,knowingIwasabouttogethertocrack.Ijumpeduponthecouch,andfoldedmykneesbeneathme,givingheranotherfake,red-carpetsmile.
"Whynot,Doc?We'rebestfriendsaren'twe?Actually,IconsideryoutobesomuchofagoodfriendthatIgotalittlesecrettotellyou.Solastnight,Iwaswalkingon6thstreetandIlookintothislittledinerinthestreetcorner,andIcouldhaveswornthere
wasthisladyintherethatlookedjustlikeyou,butIsaidtomyself,'Nah,thatcan'tbetheDoc.Justlookhowsluttishshe'sdressed.'AndI'mnotjoking,thiswoman'sboobswerepracticallyspillingoutofherdressandthisguyshewaswithwaspracticallydroolingand…"
AsIcontinuedtorambleonandon,Dr.Bennettstartedturningpalerbythesecond.Ismiledinwardlytomyself.IknewthatthewomanIhadseenwasindeedDr.Bennett,andIwasthoroughlyenjoyingherembarrassment.
Nowdon'tgetmewrong.I'mmakingDr.BennettsoundlikeahorriblepersonandI'msureifImetheronregularcircumstances,shewouldn'tannoymeasmuch.Itwasthetinylittlefactthatshewasmytherapistforaproblemofminethatshouldn'tbemadeintosuchabigdealthatmademehateher.
"Wellourhourisdone.I'llseeyouanothertimeBella."Shesaid,quicklyclosingafolderandstandingup.Ismiledtomyselfandstoodtoleave.
Shefinallycracked,Icouldtell.IknewthatwhenIgothome,Charliewouldgreetmewithafrownasheinformedmethatthetherapisthadcalledandquitonme.
"Bye,Doc!"Icalledoutandranoutoftheoffice.OnceIwasinmyrustytruck,Itookadeepbreathandturnedontheradio.
Ihaveyettoformallyintroducemyself.IamIsabellaSwan,butIpreferBella.Imighthavegivenoffthewrongfirstimpressionintheofficebefore;IonlyactlikethatwhenIamfacedwithmynaturalenemies.Therapists.
I'mnotreallylikethatthough.I'mactuallyveryshyandreserved.Ilovetoread,write,andlistentomusic.I'vealwaysbeenmoreofasensitiveandartistickindofgirl.
Ilovereadingclassicromancesandrelationshipsthatrequirelookingdeeperthanwhatwasonthesurface.Iwrotethingsthatharboredthedeepestfeelingsthatonlymysubconsciouswasallowedaccessto.AndIlistenedtomusicthatwasn'tjustaboutsongs,butaboutmessages,andemotions.
IcontinuedthehourlongdrivehometoForksandjustlostmyselfinmythoughts.IbetIknowexactlywhatyou'rethinking.You'reaskingyourself,"Whydoessheneedtogotoatherapist?"Well…I'mnotgoingtotellyouthatjustyet.I'msureyoumayhavegottenacluethoughwhenthepretentiousdoctormentionedsomethingaboutmalecontactearlier.
Thereareseveralthingsyoucanprobablythinkofthatwouldresultinmylackof
contactwiththemalegender,andI'lljustleaveyouguessingonthat.Icantellyouthough,thatit'snotjustwithguys.EveryoneseemstooverlookthefactthatI'mnotcomfortablewithpeople,ingeneral.SowhatifIfreakalittlewhenaguycomesclosetome.I'malwaysfreakingoutwhenanyonecomesclosetome.
Doyoueverfeellikeapersonthatyouwalknexttoonthestreetmightjustgrabyoubyyourhairanddragyouofftokillyou?That'showIfeelallthetime.I'malittleparanoidIguess,butplentyofpeoplearelikethat.Idon'tseewhyI'mtheonlyonewho'sgettingdraggedofftoseealoonydoctor.
IpulledintoCharlie'sdrivewayandgrabbedmybagbeforegettingout.IworkedmyjawmusclesabitsoIcouldkeepcontrolofthemwhiletalkingtoCharlie,soIwouldn'tbustoutsmiling.Thenhewouldknowwhatwasgoingon.
"I'mhome,dad!"IcalledoutwhenIgotinside.
"I'minthekitchen!"Heyelledback.Hisdeepvoicesoundedalittletense,andIdidalittlevictorycheerinmyhead,knowingthenewsthatwasabouttocome.
"What'sup?"Iasked,sittingacrossthetablefromhimwherehewasdrinkingabeer.
"Bella,Ihavesomethingtotellyou."Hestated,lookinganywherebutatme.
"Yeah,dad?"Iasked,likeIalwaysdid.Ihadplentyofpractice.
"Dr.Bennettcalledand…she'snotgoingtobeworkingwithyouanymore."Hesaid,finallylookingatme.
Iactedlikepracticedandletmyfacefallforawholesecond,beforewipingallemotionoffmyface.
"That'sfine."Isaid,knowingitwouldcausehimtosighinrelief,andgivehimthethoughtthatIhadnothingtodowiththeDoctorquittingonme.
ImovedtogetupfromthetablebutCharliegrabbedmyhand.Ifrozeforawholesecondatthesuddencontact.Charlieimmediatelydroppedmyhandwhenheheardmyquickintakeofbreath.
"Sorry."Hewhispered.Hisheadbowed,andhishandclenchedintoafist."I'msosorry,Bella."Hewhispered.
Iheardhisvoicebreakabit,andIfrozeagain.Charlieneverlikedtoshowemotions.Wewerethesameinthatway.Hewasalwayssostrong.Ihadonlyseenhimcry
onceandthatwaswhen….theaccidenthappened.Ididn'tliketoseehimcry.Itscaredmebeyondwords.Tohearthemanwho'salwaysthereforyou,youronlyhelpinghand,theonlymanyoutrust;tohearhimcry,waslikesomeonestabbingtheirhandintoyourchestanddiggingtheirclawsintoyourheart.
"Idon'tknowwhattodo,Bella."Hewhispered,lookingupatmewithglazedeyes.MybreathshookasIsatbackdown.
"Ishouldhavebeenabletoprotectyou;Ishouldhavebeenabletostophimintime."Hewhispered."Now,Ican'tevenhugmydaughterwithouthergettingfrightened.Idon'tknowwhattodo.Iknowyoudon'tlikethetherapists,butIdon'tknowhowtohelpyou.Ijustwantmydaughtertobeabletolivealifewithoutfear."
Istaredathim,heartbrokenbyhiswords.Iknewtheincidenthadn'tjustaffectedme.IknewitaffectedCharlieaswell,butthiswasthefirsttimeIhadeverheardhimsaythesewords.Hewastellingmehisexactthoughts,thoughtsthatchildrennormallyneverhearfromtheirparents.Ijuststaredathim.
"I'msorry,Bella.It'sjust,"hesniffled,wipinghiseyes,"IwishthatIcouldgobackintotime,andstopwhathappened."
"It'sokay,dad."Ibegan,tryingtothinkofwhatelsetosay.
Wewereinterruptedwhenthephonerang.
"ThatwouldbeAlice."Hesaid,wipingawayalltracesoftears."Shecalledearlierforyou.Betternotkeepherwaiting."Hesaid,withasmile.
AnotherthingabouttherelationshipbetweenCharlieandI.Wewereverygoodatquicklyputtingthingsbehindus.
"Right"Isaid,smilingback.
"HeyAlice"IstatedwhenIgottothephone.
AliceBrandonandIhadmetoursophomoreyearofhighschoolandwehadbeenbestfriendseversince.Aftersurvivingthehellonearthknownashighschool,shewentonwithmetotheUniversityofWashington,andwecamehometoForkseveryweekend.MyappointmentswiththetherapistswerealwaysonSaturdayssothatIcouldgothereandthencomehometomydad.
Alicewasmajoringinfashionanddesign.Shejustlovedmakingclothesandthenforcingmeintothem.Ihadtoadmitherclotheswerereallycute,butIwasoneof
thosepeoplewhothoughtsomethingwouldbecooltowear,butthenIneverwouldwearit.Shewashelpinghermomoutrightnowinalittleboutiqueshopsheowned,thatAlicewouldonedaytakeover.
Iwasmajoringinmusicengineering.IdidmyfirstyearattheArtInstitutesSchoolinSeattleandthentransferredtotheUniversityofWashingtontofinishmystudies.IhadtheengineeringpartdownandIwasjuststudyingmusiccultureandhistorynow.IalreadyhadalittlejoblinedupformeattheFullSoundRecordingStudioinSeattle.Ikindofhadaninternshipthererightnow,andwentintoworkfromtimetotime.
"Hey,Bella,whatareyoudoingrightnow?"Alice'stinklingvoiceaskedme.
"Nothingmuch.Why?Doyouhavesomethingplanned?"Iasked,alreadyknowingtheanswer.
"Shopping!"Shesquealed.
"No."Isaidimmediately.Shoppingwasfunwhenyouhadmoneyandyouwereonyourownterms,butdefinitelynotwithAlice.Shetookthingsalittletotheextreme.
"Please."Shewhined.Icouldjustpictureherlittlepoutnow.Herbiggrayeyeswouldwidenandglisten,whileherlittlenosecrinkledabit,andherpinklipspouted.Thatfacewasimpossibletoreject.
IwasverythankfulthatIwastalkingtoheroverthephone,orelseIwouldhavegivenin.
"Alice,I'mtired.IjustcamebackfromtherapyandI'mreadytojustcrash."Isaidwithasigh.
"ButBella,wehardlyevergetto-"Hernextattempttogetmetosurrendertoherwascutoffwhensheletoutaloudsqueal.
"Alice?"Iasked,immediatelyalert.TheworstranthroughmyheadandallIcouldthinkwasNotAlice.
"ForgetwhatIwassaying,justgototheTVandgotochannelthirtynow!"Shesaidquickly.
Iletoutasighofrelief,andatthesametimeIranovertothelivingroomwhereCharliehadjustfallenasleep.
IturnedontheTVandthefirstwordsIheardmademejump,squealandaccidentallytripandlandonCharlie'ssleepingform.
"Whathappened?"Hesaidinasleepyvoice.
"Nothingdad,sorry!"IquicklyapologizedandturnedmybacktotheTV.
"Alternativerockband,Asphyxiated,hasfinallyreleasedaconfirmationthattheyarenowworkingontheirnextalbum,andtheywillberecordingsoon,alongwithplayingsomeminorshowsintheSeattlearea."Thereporterannounced.
Behindher,millionsofscreamingfanswererestrainedbehindvelvetropes,wherethethreemembersofAsphyxiatedwerewalking,smiling,andsigningautographs.
"Leadsinger,EdwardMason,confirmedtherumorsofanewrecordduringtheirlastconcertontour,andalso,putastoptothescreamingrumorsofhissupposedrelationshipwithmodelTanyaDenali."
ThescreenswitchedtoaquietscenewhereEdwardwassittingdownandthereporterwasinfrontofhim.
"Sothelatestnews,asyouknow,isthissupposedrelationshipbetweenyouandTanyaDenali.Canyougiveussomeinformationonthat?"Sheasked.
IwatchedasEdward'semeraldeyeswidenedforasecondbeforeheranhislongfingersthroughhisbronzehair.OneimportantthingtoknowaboutEdwardMason,isthatheisalivingGreekgod.Hisfacelookedlikeitwaschiseledtoperfectionwithhisstraightnose,strongsquarejaw,andsharpcheekbones.
Itwasveryeasytoseethathalfoftheband'sfansweregirls,becausealongwithEdwardbeinggorgeous,theguitarist,anddrummerwerealsogorgeous.Jasperplayedthebass,wastallandlean,withshaggyblondehair,andcrystalblueeyes.Emmettplayedthedrumsandwasbuiltwithalotofmuscles,andhaddarkcurlyhair,softbrowneyes,andcutedimples.AndEdwardwastheleadsinger,playedrhythmguitarandpiano,andofcoursehadbronzehairandgreeneyes.
"That'snottrue."Edwardspokeinhisvelvetyvoicethatsangmetosleepeverynight."TanyaandIarebarelyevenacquaintances.Ionlymetheratanafterpartyandwetalkedforasecond."Hetoldthereporter.
IletoutabreathofreliefIdidn'tknowIhadbeenholding.Ididn'tbelieveintherumorstobeginwith,quitetheoppositeactually,Iknewthattheywerecompletetrash.HowcouldtabloidsexpectustobelievethatEdwardhadbeengoingoutwith
Tanya?IfyouobsessedasmuchasIdid,youcouldtellthatEdwardwasadefiniteshyguy.Hestumbledabitwheneverhetalkedtothepress,andwhenitwasagirlreporter,hewasevenmorenervous.Hehadevenrevealedthisshynesshimselfinaninterview.
"Isthereasignificantanyoneatall?"Thereporterasked.
"No,butwhoknows,maybesomeday."Hesaidwithadazzlingcrookedsmilewhilescratchingthebackofhisheadembarrassingly.
Thesceneswitchedafterthatandthenewsswitchedofftosomethingelse.IturnedofftheTV,andbroughtthephonebacktomyearwhereAlicewasstartingtotalkagain.
"Well,that'sgood.ThatTanyagivesmeabadfeeling.ButhowcometheyonlyaskedaboutEdward'slovelife?IwouldlovetoknowifJasperissingle!"ShegiggledaftershementionedJasper.
WhileIhadahugecrushonEdward,shewasinlovewithJasper.Emmett,thedrummer,wasactuallymarriedtoanactress,RosalieHale,whowasthepictureofperfection.
"Yeah.I'mgoingtogotosleepnow,soI'lltalktoyoulater,Alice."Isaid,walkingupthestairs.
"Fine,goodnight."Shesaidbeforehangingup.
Ifellintobedandturnedonmystereo,thespeakersimmediatelyreleasingthesweetmelodiesofharmonizingguitarsbeforeEdward'svoicesangout.
Mymindbegantorelaxashisvoiceenvelopedaroundmeandthesteadybeatingofdrumslulledmetosleep.
Asphyxiatedwasmyfavoriteband.Itwasn'tthatthebandmemberswereallgoodlookingthatdrewmein,butthemusic,andthelyrics.Itwassohardtofindmusicthesedays,thatwasn'taboutsexordrugs,andAsphyxiatedsangnothingaboutthatstuff.Itwasallaboutamessage.Messagesliketherearepeopleouttherewhofeeljustasaloneasyoudo,andthatyoushouldbewhoyouareevenifitmeansthatyouwon'tfitinwiththecoolcrowd.
Thiswaswhymusicwasmylife.
Won'tyoubelieveinthisliewithusall?
Butnowmybody'sonthefloorandIamcalling,I'mcallingouttoyou
Canyouhearmenow?
What'swrong,what'swrong,what'swrong?
Nowmybody'sonthefloorandIamcalling,I'mcallingouttoyou
Canyouhearmenow?
ThemusicfadedoutandanothersongbeganbutIhadalreadyfallintomydreamlesssanctuarythatwasfilledwithmelodiesandvelvetwords.
Edward'sPOV:
"Ispendtwosecondswiththatbimbomodelandsuddenlyshe'smygirlfriend?!"IcriedoutinfrustrationasIthrewmyselfdownontothecouch.
"Comeon,Tanya'snotthatbad."Jaspertoldmeashebenthisheadoverhisguitarwherehewasrandomlystrumming.
Ithrewanicyglareathimbeforeclearingmythroat.
"Didyouevenhearthewayshetalks?"Iaskedincredulously."Sheusedtheword'like'almosteveryotherword.Doyouhaveanyideahowannoyingthatis?"Iasked,throwingmyarmovermyeyes,willingtheheadachetogoaway.
"Whatareyoulosersupto?"EmmettaskedashewalkedintothebasementwhereJasperandIwereseated.
"We'rediscussingwhetherTanyaDenaliisannoyingornot."Jaspersaid,finallylookingupfromhisstringsandshakinghishairoutofhiseyes.
"She'sannoying."Emmettsaidimmediately."Hot.Butannoying."
"Ha."IsaidweaklyinJasper'sdirection.Hejustlaughedandcontinuedhisstrumming.
IbegansoftlysingingasmyeyesinvoluntarilyclosedandIdriftedofftosleep.
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Forme,thebeginningalwayssucks,butdon'tworry,thingswillbecomeclearerandgetbetterlateron.
ThesongusedforthischapterwasHearMeNowbyFramingHanley.
Musichasabigpartinthisfanfictionsoyoucansendmebandnamesatanytimeandthereshouldbeasonginorattheendofeverychapter.
ForAllTheLovers
Disclaimer:Idon'townEdwardCullenbutthere'snocopyrightthatsaysthatIdon'townmusicianEdwardMason.Mwahahahaha
Bella'sPOV:
IwentbacktoSeattleonSundayafteraweekendofshoppingwithAliceandseveralconversationswithCharlie.Itwasdecidedthattherapywasdoingnothingforme,andImanagedtoconvincehimthatIwasfinewiththewaymylifewasandifIwantedtochange,Iwoulddoitmyself.
Alicestayedforanotherdaybecauseshedidn'thaveanyclassesonMondayandshewantedtotaketheopportunityformoreshopping.Iwouldn'tcallherashoppingaddictbutwhenshehadthemoney,themallwasalwaysherfirstplacetogo.
IwasjustleavingmythirdclasswhenIgotacallfromAngelaWebber,my'supervisor'attherecordingstudio.Angelawasreallycool,andwasjustafewyearsolderthanme.Sheknewhowmuchmusicmeanttomeandshealwayscalledmewheneversomethingamazingwasgoingtohappenatthestudio.
"HeyAngela"IgreetedherasIwenttogositonthegrassjustoutsidethebuilding.Ididn'thaveanotherclassforanotherfewhourssoIwasreadytojustrelax.
"Bowdownandclaimyourworshiptome."Sheresponded,hervoiceurgentandalittlebreathless.
Asmileimmediatelypulledontomyfacebecauseshewasalwayslikethiswhensomethingbigwashappeningatthestudio.
"Angela,Ithrowmyselfatyourfeet,youaremygoddess.There,Isuckedup,sonowtellmewhat'sgoingon!"Iexclaimed,gettingafewweirdlooksfrompeoplewalkingby.Iblushedabit,butlaughedatmyself,imagininghowweirdmyexclamationjustwas.
Angelalaughedontheotherendandtookabigbreath,makingmeantsywithanticipation.
"Asphyxiatedisgoingtoberecordingwithus!"Shesquealed.
"OhmyGod!"WasthefirstthingoutofmymouthbeforeIquicklyslappedmyhandovermymouthtokeepfromscreamingoutinexcitement.
Isquealedintomyhandandmylegs,whichhadbeencrossedfromsittingontheground,wereshakingrapidly.
"Youstillthere,ordidyoudiefromexcitement?"Angelaasked;asmugtoneinhervoice.
"I'mstillhere."Imanagedtocroakoutbeforerapidlywhispering."Youmeanthatthegodsofthemusicworldaregoingtoberecordingatourstudio?Nojoke?"
"Nojoke."Shereassuredme."They'recomingtonighttojustgetafeeloftheplaceandyou'rewelcometocome,IadviseyoutobecauseIdecidedtomakethisyourfirstproject."Shefinishedasmileinhervoice.
"Really?"Iwhispered,notbelievingher."YoumeanthatI'llbespendingalltheirrecordingtimewiththem?"
"Yes.You'remorethanreadytotakethison,andIknowthatthey'remorethanjustafavoritebandtoyou.Doyouwanttodothis?BenandIwillbetheretohelpifyouneedit."Shetoldme,suddenlyseemingalittlehesitant.
Honestly,Iwasalittlehesitantmyself.Sure,I'dlovetogoandmeetthem,buttotakeonthejobofsupervisingtheirrecordingswasascarythought.WhatifImessedsomethingup?Thebandwouldhateme,theirfanswouldhateme,Iwouldhateme.
Angelasensedmysuddenfear.
"Comeon,Bella."Shepersuaded."Thisisanopportunitythatnotalotofpeopleget.Justimaginehowfaryourcareercouldgoifyouwereinvolvedwithamajorband.Please?"
Itookadeepbreathandquelledtheswarmofbutterfliesinmystomach.Shewasright.Besides,howcoolwoulditbetotellReneeonmynextvisittoFloridathatIgottomeetmyfavoritebandonapersonallevelandgottoworkwiththem?Verycool,that'swhat.
"Onequestion"Isaid,knowingthatIcouldn'tsharethisexperiencebymyself.
"Shoot."Angelaresponded,stillhesitantonmyanswer.
"CanAlicecome?"
AngelalaughedheartilyontheotherendandIcouldjustimaginehersighinrelief.
"Sure."
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AfteracalltoAlicefilledwithsqueals,screams,andacontinuousstreamofherthankingme,Iwenttomydormandcollapsedonmybed.
I'msureplentyofyouhavemetyourheroonetimeoranother,right?I'malsosureyoucanrelatewhenIsaythatIamscarilycalmontheoutside,whileontheinsideIwasgoinghaywire.
Iwaspanicked,andatthesametime,completelyexcited.MystomachwasflippingandconstrictingandIknewIneededtoeatbecauseIhaven'teatensinceyesterdayatdinner,butIdidn'twanttoriskeatinganything.Todaywasnodayforthrowingup.
Iwassupposedtogotothestudioateight,anditwassixrightnow.ShouldIbethereearlytohelpAngelawithanything?OrshouldIgetthereatthesametimeastheband?ShouldIwaitforAliceorshouldImeetherthere?
Mymindwasbouncingoffthewalls.
IdecidedtojustplaymyC.D,andtryandrelax.Itdidn'thelpasmuchthough,becausethebandwasofcourse,Asphyxiated,anditjustremindedmethatIwasgoingtoactuallymeetthem.
Ihadmetotherbandsofcourse,butnoneofthemcouldcomparetoAsphyxiated.Ihonestlypicturedmyselftobetheirbiggestfan,thoughI'msuretherewereotherpeopleouttherewhoknewjustasmuchaboutthemasIdid.Butcouldanyofthemconnectonthesamelevel?Couldanyofthemfeelthatemotionofunderstandingandbelongingwhentheylistenedtotheirmusic?
ItmeantalottometofeellikeIwasunderstood.LikeIwasn'tavictimtofate,badtiming,and/oramesseduplife.TherewereotherpeopleintheworldwhohavegonethroughthesamethingIhave,whofeelexactlythewayIdo,butthatdoesn'tstopmefromfeelingsoalone.
AllthatchangeswhenIhearmusicplaying.Tohearemotionspurestform.Tohearthewrittenpoetrythatcouldmeanamilliondifferentthings.Toheartheharmonythatcaneithermakeyoucryorlaugh.Tohearafamiliarbeatthatbringsyoutohappymemories.
Allofitmakesyoufeellikeyoubelongexactlywhereyouare.
MythoughtswereinterruptedwhenAlicecamebarginginthedoor,lookingfrazzled,
andthrewherbagsonherbed.
"Notimetowaste,wehaveonlytwohourstogetreadyandgetoverthere!Let'smove,move,andmove!"Hertinklingvoiceorderedashertinybodyranintoherclosetandshebegantoflingoutclothes.
Iwatched,highlyamused,asshebustledaboutforafewmomentsbeforesherealizedIwasn'tmoving.
"Bella,whyareyoujustsittinghere?!We'regoingtogomeetourfavoritebandinonlytwohoursandyou'resittingherewithastupidsmileonyourface!"Sheyelledout,frustratedandfrazzled.
"Alice,calmdown.Whydon'tyoutellmewhyyou'refreakingout?"Isaid,tryingtofigureouthowtocalmdownhernervesbeforeshehittheroof.
"Idon'tknow."Shemoanedasshesatdownonthebedanddroppedherheadinherhands."IhaveafeelinglikethismeetingisveryimportantandIjustwanttomakeagoodfirstimpression."
Shelookedupatmewithherwidegrayeyesfilledwithanxiety.Iwasfreakingoutjustasmuchontheinside,butIhadgottengoodatsuppressingmyfeelingsovertheyears.Rightnow,IneededtocalmAlicedown.
"You'realwayshelpingmemakeagoodfirstimpression,Alice,soletmehelpyoutoday."Ibegan;smilingatherashertensionslowlyleftherbody."I'vemetotherbandsbeforeAlice,andhowyoudressdoesn'taffectthem.Justputonwhateveriscomfiest,andbeyourself."
Hertinyarmswrappedaroundmywaistandsherestedherheadagainstmyshoulder.Ifeltalittleawkwardathertouch,butAlice'stouchwassoinnocent,likeachild's.TherewasnowayIcouldbescaredorapprehensiveabouther.
Sheletoutahugesighandshesqueezedmywaistforasecond."Thanks,Bella."
"Anytime."Ioffered,gigglingabittolightenthemood.
Mylaughterhadthedesiredeffect,andAlicejumpedoffthebedandgrabbedmyhands,herfacebrighteningasshesmiled.
"Wellthen,let'sgetready!Casualornot,weareabouttomeetthreeofthemostgorgeousmenintheworld,andIamnotgoingtomeetthemlookinglikeIrolledoutofthewrongsideofthebedonaMondaymorning."
OurlaughterharmonizedtogetherasIjumpeduptojoinherinherfashionquest.
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"Twomoreminutes"Alicesquealed,asshebouncedupanddownonthecouchintherecordingstudio.
"They'renotgoingtoberightonthedot,Alice."BensaidfromhisspotnexttotheAngela.
"Youdon'tthinkthey'llcancel,doyou?!"Alicesuddenlyasked,horrified.Icouldn'thelpbutlaugh.
"Alice,itisveryimportantforthemtoactuallygotoarecordingstudioiftheyplanonsellinganewrecord,soIdoubtthey'llcancel."Itoldherfrommyspotonthecouchnexttoher.Shevisiblyrelaxedatmywords.
"They'rehere."Angelaannouncedfromherspotbesidethewindow.
"OhmyGod!"Isuddenlyexclaimed,finallylettingtheexcitementgettome.
"Youweretellingmetocalmdown."Alicemumbled,lookingatmewithamusement.
"Alice,we'reabouttomeetthemusicgodsoftheuniverse!Canyoubelieveit?!"Itoldherinrushedwhispers,suddenlynotbeingabletofindmyvoice.
"Iknow!"Shesquealedinthesamewhisper.
IclenchedmyfiststightlyasIwaitedforthedoorstoopen,andIwaspainfullyawareofmybreathcominginfast,shortgasps.
"Ow,Emmett,thathurt!"Amuffledvoicecamefromtheothersideofthedoor,followedbymusicallaughterandanothermuffledvoice.
"Sorry,Ican'tgetthedoortoopen."
Suddenly,thedoorburstsopen,andmythreemusicidolswalkedintotheroom.
"EmmettMcCartyatyourservice!"Thedrummersaidexcitedlyashewalkedintotheroom.
IhadlongbeforediscoveredthatEmmettMcCartywas,nodoubt,thejokesterofthethree.Hewasalwayssmilinginfrontofcameras,andhewasalwaysdoingthefunstuff,suchascrowdsurfingduringconcerts.
"Ow."Mumbledtheguitarist,JasperWhitlock,ashecameinrubbinghisarmstenderly.
IcouldtellthatJasperwasthecalmeroneoutofthethree,thoughbytheentrancethattheyhadjustmade,I'msurehecouldbejustasfunasEmmett,ifyougottoknowhim.MaybeIwouldbegiventhatchance.
Theleadsinger,Edward,thenwalkedinbehindhim,acrookedsmileinplaceashechuckledathisbandmembers.Ifeltmyselfsmileashewalkedin,notbelievingthatmyidolwasinthesameroomasme.
BeingasobsessedafanasIam,IcouldtellthatEdwardwasdefinitelyamusicalandsensitivesoul.Hewroteabouttheexactthingshefelt,soitwassoeasytoseewhohewasandthat'swhatmadehimconnectwithhisfanssoeasily.
"Helloeveryone."Edwardsaidashesurveyedeveryoneontheroom.Ifeltmyheartstopwhenhiseyeslandedonme.
Helookedatme!Agirlysquealsoundedoffinsideofme.Man,IneedtopullmyselftogetherbeforeImakeatotalfoolofmyself.
"Hello."Angelasaidasshesteppedforward,pullingBenwithher.IgrabbedAlice'selbowandstoodupaswell.
"I'mAngelaWebber;thisismypartnerhereatthestudio,aswellasmyboyfriend,BenCheney."Sheintroduced,asshesteppedforwardandBenandhershookeachofthebandmember'shands.
"ThisisAliceBrandon,afriendofMissBellaSwanoverthere,whowillbeinchargeofsupervisingtherecordingsandengineeringforyouguys."Angelaexplained,pointingoutAliceandmyself.
Theboyscameoverandshookourhands,andthoughIhadtoadmit,itwasalittleawkwardforme,theexcitementtotallyoverrodeit,andIwasfloatingoncloudnine.WhenEdwardshookmyhand,anelectricshockflewthroughmeandIimmediatelypulledaway,asEdwarddidthesame.
IstaredstrangelyatmyhandandcontemplatedwhatIjustfelt.Itwasn'tanelectricshockreally,becauseitwasn'tpainful.Quitethecontrary,itwaswarm,andpleasurable.
"I'mEdwardMason."Edwardofferedus,smilingatallofus.
"JasperWhitlock."Jasperfollowed,givingusallanodofhishead.
"AndIamEmmettMcCarty,wonderfuldrummeroftophitalternativeband,Asphyxiated!"Emmettexclaimed,suddenlypointingathisshirt.
Weallcouldn'thelpbutlaughaswefinallytookinthematchingshirtsthattheboyswerewearing.Theywereabaseballdesignkindofshirt,withsleevesuptotheelbows.Inthefront,itsaidAsphyxiated.
Whenthebandturnedtogogiveusanotherview,wesawthattheirlastnamewasprintedontherespectableshirtoftheowner,withaguitargraphic,andthennamesofcitiesthattheywouldbetouring.
"Verynice."Isaid,smilingasIgazedatthematchingshirts,whichcausedEmmetttostartflexinghismuscles.Wealllaughedagain.
"Thanks,myauntmadethemforus."Edwardsaid,smilingatme.
Edward'sPOV:
IsmiledasIheardhermusicallaughteragain.Shefitwellintothemusicscene,Ibethervoiceandlaughtercouldinspiremillionsofmusicians.
"Youguysarewelcometolookaround,getafeeloftheplace."Bentoldus,gesturingwithahand.
"Don'tmindifIdo!"Emmettsaid,sprintingofftothedoorthatledfromthecontrolroomtothestudio.
BellastoodupandopenedthecurtainswhichgaveusviewofthestudioandwewatchedasEmmettflittedaround,gazingateverythinghecould.
Jasperwalkeduptothemusicconsolewhereheobservedthecontrols,dials,andknobs.
Iwenttothewall,wherepicturesandrecordswereallhangingup.IwentthroughseveralpicturesuntilIgottosomewithBellainthem.
Igazedateachone,withthebandsthatshewasposingwithandotherpicturesofherhoveringoverthemusicconsole,herhandsonthedialsasshewatchedthebandplay,alookofpassionateconcentrationonherface.
"Howlonghaveyoubeenworkinghere?"Iaskedoutloud.
"Who?"Angelaasked.
"Bella"Istated,turningabittoseeherlookatmeasIsaidhername.
"I'mactuallyaninternofsorts."Sheadmitted,lookingdownalittlesheepishly.HercheeksfilledwitharedrosycolorandIhadaninstinctiveurgetobrushhercheek.
"Shemaynotbeanactualemployeebutshe'swellonherwaytobe."Bensaid,alittledefensively,asifhewasexpectingmetostartbashingonBella,orsomething."She'salreadygotareservedspotandshe'shelpedseveralofourclients."
"That'sprettyawesome."Jaspersaid,turningtolookatBellawithalookofrespectandawe.
"Itis."Isaid,gazingatheraswell.Icouldn'thelpmytraitorouseyesfromtracingthefeaturesofherface.
Herheartshapedfacewasframedwithlongmahoganyhair,andherdoelikeeyesweresurroundedwithdarklashes.Herlipswereperfect,full,andred.
SowhatifIwasalittletakenbackwithherbeauty?I'maguy,it'sexpected.WhatIcouldn'texplainthough,wasthatpleasurablecurrentthatflewthroughuswhenIshookherhand.
"Thankyou."Shemumbled,thatrosycolorpaintinghercheeksagain.
AlittlegigglecausedBella,Jasper,andItolookwhereAlicewasstanding,amusementdancinginhereyes.Sheseemedlikeafunlittleoddone,andtheunexpectedgiggleseemedtoconformit.
"Alice?"Bellaasked,raisinghereyebrowatherfriend.
"It'snothing;I'mjustbeingweirdagain."Shesaidwithalittleundertoneofsmugnessinhervoice.
"HowlonghaveyouandBellabeenfriends?"Jasperaskedthelittlesprite.
Iturnedtolookathim,shockedtoseethathewastalkingtosomeonewhohedidn'tknowmorepersonally.Thiswasanunexpectedevent.HewasstaringatAlicewithalookofintenseconcentration,andheseemedtoevenforgetthattherestsofuswereintheroom.
"Aboutfouryears."Sheanswered,hergazefixedjustasintenselyonhimaswell.
Helookedlikehewantedtosaysomethingelse,butwhenAlicewalkedtoplantherselfbesidehim;hethrewawaywhateverhewasgoingtosayandescapedtotheirownlittleprivateworld.
"Interesting."Bellamumbledbesideme.
"Very."Iagreed,beforeIbroughtbackmyfullattentiontoher.
"Soyourstudyingrecordingengineering,I'mguessing."Iasked.
"Yes.Musicisbasicallymylife,soImadeitmyjobaswell."Shesaid,asshewalkedtositonthesofaagain.Ijoinedher.
"IfeelobligatedtosaythatIamverygladtobeworkingwithyouguys.Asphyxiatedismyfavoriteband."Shetoldme,blushingabitagain,lookingdownathershoes.
"Ilookforwardtoworkingwithyou,andthankyou.Thatreallymeansalot."Ireplied.
Anditdid.Everytimesomeonetoldmethatweweretheirfavoriteband,Ifeltpridefillmychest.Inaworldfullofamazingmusicthatinspiredus,itfeltgoodtoknowthatsomeonefoundusspecialenoughtobetheirfavorite.
Aknockbroughtusalloutofoutindividualconversations,andwealllookedtoseeEmmettstandingatthewindowofthestudio.Hepointedtohismouthandear,whichledJaspertofliptheswitchsowecouldhearhim.
"Thisstudioiswickedawesome!Canwepleaseplayasong?Please,please,please?"Emmettbegged,wideninghiseyesandpoutinghislips.
IturnedtolookatAngelaandBenwhoweresmilingathisantics.
"Sure."Angelasaid.
Excitementfilledme,andIjumpedup,alongwithJasper,andrantothedoorthatledustothestudio.
"You'rewelcometoanyoftheinstrumentsthere,guys."Ben'svoicesaidfromhisspotatthemusicconsole,whereBellaandAngelaweresitting,theirhandshoveringoverthecontrols.
"Wanttoplaythenewsongwewereworkingonyesterday?"IaskedEmmettandJasper.Theynoddedandmovedtohookuptheirinstruments.
Ihookedupthekeyboardandrhythmguitar,aswellasthemicrophonebeforeweall
putonourheadphones.
"Ready?"Angela'svoiceasked.Iputmythumbupandthentookastepforwardtoputthemicrophoneatmylips.
Thisonegoesouttothelonely
Thisonegoesouttothebrokenones
Thisonegoesouttotheangelsfallingfromthesky
Jasper'svoicejoinedminequietly,tocreatealittleundertonetothevocals.Icontinuedplayingthekeyboard,repeatingtherhythmoverandoveragain.
Thisonegoesouttoyourbrother
Thisonegoesouttoyourmother
Thisonegoesouttoyoursister
Andthisone'sforyou
EmmettjoinedinwiththedrumsandIquicklymovedmyhandstotheguitarstrappedaroundmyneckandcontinuedsinging.
Andalltheloverandbelievers
Andtheoneswho'vebeenbetrayed,
Forallthefighters,andthedreamers
Andtheoneswho'venotbeensaved
Don'tloseyourfaith,Iknowyou'reright
Don'tbescaredofbeinglonely,
I'mherewithyou
IlookedupandthefirstthingInoticedwasthethoughtfullookonherface,andthewaythatsheseemedtolookalmostsad.Iwasusedtoseeingatleastonepersonataconcerthavethislookontheirface,whichmeanttheywerehavinganemotionalconnectionwiththesong.
Whatkindofconnectioncouldshehavetothissongofsadhopeforsomeonewhohasn'thadthepictureperfectlife?
Thisonegoesouttothelonely
Thisonegoesouttothebrokenhearts
Thisonegoesouttothepeopleleftbehindwaitingtobefound
I'veseenyourshadowinthedark
I'veseenthestruggleinyourlife
Feelslikenothingcomesoutright
Isangthechorusagain,butIwasalsofocusedonthedeeppensivelookthatwasgrowingonBella'sface.Herhandwasrestingtightlyagainstherstomach,asiftryingtoholdinsobsortryingtocatchairtobreathe.
Ihadneverexperiencedtheamazingconnectionbetweenmusicianandfanuntilthismomentrightnow,whereitlookedlikethewordsIwassinging,wasactuallyconnectingwithheronanemotionallevel.
Andyet,IwassadtorealizethatBella'slifehadgonethroughsomethingobviouslyheartbreakingtobeabletohearthetruemeaningofthesong.Aswellassadnessforher,Ifeltaweirdsortofreliefgothroughme.Ihadwrittenthissonginmyownfeelingsofheartbreak,anditfeltrefreshingtoknowIwasn'taloneinadarkworld.ThattherereallywasapersonwhofelttheemotionlikeIdid.
Forallthelovers
Andbelievers
Andtheoneswho'venotbeenheard
Iknowyourright
You'vegotthatsomethinginyoureyes
Iknowthatyouwillbealright
Icontinuedsingingandsoftenedmyvoiceasitcametoanend.
Don'tloseyourfaith
Iknowyou'reright
Don'tbescaredofbeinglonely
I'mhereforyou
ThesongcametoanendandBella'swateryeyesfinallylookedupandmetmygaze.
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Ha-ha,connectionbetweenthem!It'snotpainfullyobviousbutyoucantellthatsomething'sgoingonthere.Howmanyofyouguessedthat'swhyAlicewasgiggling?Showofhands…..heehee,Iknewit.
SongforthischapterwasForAlltheLoversbyStanfour.Youshouldcheckitout,it'sawesome!
Ifyouhaven'talready,pleasecheckoutmynewone-shotcalledWithMe.It'salittlerandomandfluffy.Lol
StayAwake
Disclaimer:Iwon'tsayit….No,Iwon't…Youcan'tmakeme!
Editor:SAYIT
…Fine,Idon'towntheTwilightcharacters.Happy?*Funsucker*
Bella'sPOV:
IlookedupandcametotherealizationthatEdwardwaswatchingme.Iturnedmybacktotheglassandquicklywipedawaymytears.
WhenIheardtheyweregoingtodoanewsong,Iwasecstatic.ThenEdward'svelvetyvoiceoverpoweredmeandthewordscaressedmeanddrewanemotionoutofmethatIthoughtIhadlongsincesuppressed.
Thatfeelingofdeepsadnessandterror:ofbeingcompletelydifferentfromeveryoneelse:ofbeingbroken.
Yet,IalsofeltsomethingthatIhadneverhadthepleasureoffeeling.Hope.Thosevelvetwordsunderstoodme,understoodothers,anditsparkedahopeinmethatIdidn'tneedtohideallthetime.
"Thatwasamazing!"Alice'stinklingvoiceexclaimed,snappingmeoutofmyfunk.
Iturnedtothedoorwherethebandmemberswerewalkingout.
"Thanks."Edwardmuttered,lockingmeinanotherintensestare.Itwastointenseforme,andIfeltthatawkwardparanoiaseepinginagain.Ilookedaway.
"So,doyouallstillplantocomeonThursdaytostart?"Angelaasked.
"Yeah,we'llbehere."Jasperanswered.
"Great!Bella,canyougivethemyourcontactinformationandthensetthealarmswhenyou'redone?AngelaandIhavesomeplans."Benasked,lookingalittlesheepish.
"Noproblem."Ireassuredhim.Turningoffsomeofthelights,theywalkedoutofthedoorandsaidtheirgoodbyes.
"Thursdaynightorafternoon?"Iasked.IhadseveralclassesThursdayafternoon
butafterthree,Iwascompletelyfree.
"Thursdaynightwouldbealittlemoreconvenient.MywifeandIhaveplans."Emmettanswered,flashingadimpledsmile.
"Perfect."Isaid,beforegettingdowntobusiness.
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"Weregoingtogooutforabitetoeat,ifyouladieswanttojoinus?"Jasperaskedaswebegantoheadtoourseparatecars.
"Sure!"Aliceimmediatelyagreed.IwasjustabouttovoicemyagreementaswellbeforeIrealizedthatitwasalreadylate,andIhadclassesinthemorning.
"Ican't.Ihaveclassesinthemorning."Isaid,withafrownofdisappointment.EmmettliterallypoutedandEdwardfrownedabit.JasperwasalittletoobusystaringatAlicetonotice.
"Oh."Alicesaid,pouting.
"Thatdoesn'tmeanyoucan'tgowiththem,Alice.I'lljustcallacab."Iimmediatelysaid,notwantingtotakeanyfunoutofherexperienceofmeetingtheband.
"No,Idon'twantyougoinghomethislatebyyourself."Shetoldme,withalittlenodtoherheadwhichmademeclearofherintentions.Shewantedtomakesurenothinghappenedtome.
"Sorry,guys."Shetoldtheband,beforeshegrabbedmyhandandledmetothePorsche.
"Alice,ifyouwanttogo,thengo!"Iwhisperedtoher."I'llbefine,trustme.Youdon'tneedtobumdownyourlifebecauseyou'reworriedaboutme."Itoldher,tryingtoprymyhandoutofhers.
"Yourright,anyway.It'slate,andIalsohaveclassinthemorning."Shetoldme,flashingasmile,whichmademefeelalittlebitbetter.
"Bye."IheardEmmettcallandAliceandIwavedbackaswelefttocampus.
Edward'sPOV:
"Sowhatwaswiththegoo-gooeyesyouwerethrowingatBellaallnight,Eddie?"Emmettasked,snickeringashewasdriving.
"Firstofall,Ihavenocluewhatyou'retalkingabout.Secondofall,mynameisEdward,notEddie."Igrowledathim,feelingalittlecranky.
Actually,IfeltlikesomeonehadstolenmypuppyandIbetIlookedjustlikeittoo.
"Awe,areyoumissingheralready?"Hecontinuedmocking.Ithrewhimaglarefrommyspotofleaningmyheadagainstthewindow.
SowhatifIwantedtospendalittlemoretimegettingtoknowher?Ihadanexcuse,shewasutterlyfascinating.Shehadherwholelifesetupandshewasonlyincollege,sheclearlylovedmusicwithapassion,andtherewassomethingabouther.Hereyeswhichseemedtobesoemotionalduringcertaintimeswereclosedoffalltherest.Shewentthroughsomethinginlife,andsheobviouslywasverygoodathidingit.
SoIwasfascinated,that'snoreasonforEmmetttopickonme.Therewasareason,however,forJasper.
"Quitbuggingme,andwhydon'tyouaskwhyMr.shy-and-never-talks-to-new-people,whyhewasmakinggoo-gooeyesallnight."IsuggestedtoEmmett.Jasperimmediatelysnappedoutofhisquietstuporandglaredatme.Ionlysmirkedback.
"Yeah,whatwasupwiththat?"Emmettasked."Youhardlytalktoanyoneunlessyoureallyknowthem,andnowyouwouldn'tshutup.Haveafancyforthelittlepixie,don'twe?"Heteased.
"Yes."Jasperansweredshortly.Iturnedtohiminshock,andtookinhisdeadseriousface.
"Youjustmether."Idetailedin.Ididn'tmeananythingtoAlicebyit,butshecouldbeawholebunchofbadthings,andJasperwasalreadysmitten.
"Itdoesn'tmatter."Jasperdefendedquickly.Hispiercingblueeyesstaredoutthewindow,andalittlesmilewaspullingonhislips."She'sspecial.Iknowit."
Ijuststaredathim,tryingtofigureoutifhewasondrugsornot.Emmett,ontheotherhand,waslaughingandtalkingupastormabouthowcoolitwouldbetohavethelittlepixieasasister.
"Ialsogothernumber."Jaspersuddenlysaid.Myheadwhippedbacktolookathim,andsureenough,hewaswavinghisphonearoundproudly.
"Yougothernumber?"Iaskedincredulously.
"Yup."Hesaidsmugly."Imaybequietallthetime,butwhenImeetsomeonespecial,IpullouttheoldWhitlockcharm."
"WhatWhitlockcharm?"ImumbledasIturnedbackforwardinmyseat.Jasperhitthebackofmyheadinretaliation.
"Playnicekids."Emmettsaid,highlyamused,watchingourdisplayaswepulledintothelotofourbuilding.
IrolledmyeyesandjumpedoutofEmmett'sjeep.Wewentuptothetopfloorthatwesharedandenteredourseparateapartments.Weeachhadaroomandthenwesharedthethreeotherroomsonthefloorwhichwerethesmallstudio,thegameroom,andthentherandomroomwherewejustthrewstuffin.
Iwentstraighttobedandcollapsed.IturnedonmyIHomeandjustletthemusicwashoverme.Somuchhadhappenedtodayandyetitseemedlikenothingatallhadgonedown.TheonlythingwedidwasgocheckoutthestudiowhereweweregoingtorecordandthenextthingIknow,I'mgettingdraggedintomythoughtsbecauseofagirlImet.
Thatwasnotnormal.Shewasnotnormal.
Igroanedandrolledoverinbed,kickingoffmyshoesandmanagingtowiggleoffmyjeansatthesametime.Ipulledupthecoversandthentookmyshirtoffbeforesettlingdeeplyintomybed.
Ibegansingingsoftly,likeIdideverynight,andIslowlybegantodrifttosleep.
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Thenextdaywehadspentbyplayingaroundandwritinganothersong,andnowitwasThursdaynightandwewereheadingovertothestudio.
"Happythatyou'regoingtoseeyourgirlfriendagain,Jasper?"IteasedasIdrovetheVolvo.
Allofyesterday,whenwewereplaying,Jasperkepttextingandsometimes,hehadanoccasionalcall.Finally,afterEmmettpinnedhimdownandIstolehiscellphone,wesawthathehadbeentalkingtoAlice.
"She'snotmygirlfriendandshutup."Jaspermumbled.Icouldseeinthereviewmirrorthathewasturningalittlepink.Isnickeredquietlytomyself.
"Jasper'snottheonlyonewho'sexcitedtoseesomeone,isheEddie?"Emmettbegan."Youweremopingaroundallofyesterday,andnow,suddenlyyou'reMr.Happy."
"Shutup."Isnapped."Iwasnotmoping."
JaspersnortedbehindmeandEmmettwaslaughing.Okay,somaybeIwasmoping.I'lladmitit.ApartofmewascravingtoruntoBella'scollegeandtrytofindher.Afteryesterday'sshortconversationwithher,Icouldn'thelpbutgetaddicted.Shewasfascinating,andIcouldtelltherewassomuchunderthesurfacewithher.
"Justadmitit,Eddie.You'recrushingonher."Emmettsaidfromhisspotnexttome,slappingmyshoulder.
"Idon'thaveacrushonher."Istarted.BothofthemsnortedandIrolledmyeyes."Thereissomethingaboutherthough."
"Yeah."Jaspersuddenlysaidfrombehindme."Inoticedthat.Thewayshehideseverything,andyoucanhardlyeventell.Thewayshefocusesherlifesomuchonmusiclikeshe'stryingtoescapefromsomething."
"Exactly."Imumbled,asIpulledintothelotofthestudio."Ijustwanttoknowher."
AsIsteppedoutofthecar,Icouldn'thelpbutsmileattheyellowPorscheandtherustyredtrucknexttoit.Bellalookedlikesomeonewhowoulddrivethattruck.
"Honey,I'mhome."Emmettcalledasheopenedthedoortothestudio.
SeverallaughssoundedoffandItriedtopushmywayinsidebutIgotinlast.EmmettimmediatelystartedtalkingwithAngelaandBen,whileJasperrushedovertothecouchwhereAlicewassittingsilently,writingsomething.
IsearchedforBellabutIcouldn'tfindher.IwasabouttoaskwhenIcaughtsightofherthroughthewindowleadingtothestudio.
Shewasholdinganacousticguitarandherfingersstrokedthechordsrhythmically.Thesoundwasn'tturnedonthough,soIcouldn'thearwhatshewasplaying.IopenedthedoortothestudioassilentlyasIcould,andsteppedin.
Shedidn'tnoticemyentrance,butshedidstopplayingforasecond.Thenthenextsecondshestartedagain.HernimblefingersplayedafamiliarmelodyandIcouldhearherquietwhispersasshesangthewordssoftlytoherself.
Icouldn'tquitemakeoutthewordsbutIknewthesongsoIknewwhatshewassinging.Hervoicesoundedsmoothandvulnerable.Iwasstandingrightnexttoherandshehadn'tevennoticed,becauseherhairwascastingaveilbetweenherfaceandmysight.Ibadlywantedtoseeherexpressionthough.
TherewasachairrightinfrontofhersoIwalkedaroundandsatinit.Herexpressionmademyheartmelt.Hereyeswereclosedbutherbeautifulfeaturesweresorelaxedanditmadeherfaceglowwithpassion.
"Wow."Isighedsoftly,notevenrealizingit.Shehearditthough.
Hereyesflewopenandshesuckedinasharpbreath.
"Sorry."Isaidimmediately,hopingtoerasethatpanickedexpressionsonherface."Ididn'tmeantostartleyou."
Sheletoutasighofrelief,beforesheflushedred.
"It'sfine."Shemurmured,lookingdown.Herembarrassmentwastoocutetogounnoticed.Ismiledandfoughtmyinstinctsthatmademyhandwanttogooutandbrushhercheek.
"Youhaveabeautifulvoice."Itoldher.Sheflushedredagain,andshemovedtotakethestrapoftheguitaroff.
"Don'tstop."Imurmured,wantingdesperatelytohearmore.
"Iwasjustmessingaround."Shemuttered,beforelookingupandsmilingatme.Iimmediatelysmiledback."Besides,you'retheonewho'ssupposedtobesittingandplaying.Gettowork."Sheteased,handingmetheguitar.
"Theothersarealittlebusyrightnow."Ipointedout,turningtolookthroughtheglasswhereIcouldseeEmmettflappinghisarmsaroundforsomeunexplainablereason.
Bellalaughed,andthetinklingmelodyhitmehard.
"Hmm"Imused,beforesettingmyhandsontheguitarandplayingrandomchords,tryingtofindthemelody.Thiswouldbeeasierwithapiano.
"Whatareyoudoing?"Sheasked,sittingbackdown.TherewasnowayIwasgoingtotellherwhatIwasreallydoing,soIjustsmiledather.
"Justmessingaround"Isaid,mimickingherwordsfromearlier.Shesmiledand
leanedbackinherchair.
ItwasthenthatInoticedhowtenseshewas.Herbodywasrigidandtaughtandherhandswerepressedtightlyagainstherstomach.Herposturewasrigidlystraightandherbreathswerequickandshallow.
Thiswasoneofthethingsthatfascinatedmeabouther.Ileanedforward,judgingherreaction.Herlegspressedtightertogether,andsheautomaticallyleanedback,hereyeswideningforasecond.Ifeltlikeatotaljerk,becauseIobviouslyjustmadeherfeelveryuncomfortable.
Eithershejustdidn'tlikebeinginaroomalonewithmeorcontactofanykindmadehernervous.Itcouldbeeither.Ileanedbackandgaveherspace,butshestilldidn'trelax.
Ilookedawayandbeganstrummingthefirstsongthatcametomind.IfocusedonthewordsasIbegansoftlysinging,rememberingthefeelingsthatwentthroughmewhenIwroteit.TheagonyandguiltthatIputintoamoreup-beattunesothatitwouldn'tmakemewanttoscream.
Irememberedthepressureoffirstmakingthebigtime,andtheneedtoreconnectwiththeinnocentchildIusedtobe.ThenIwroteaboutthehopethatpeopleIcareaboutgaveme.EverythingIhadinme,Iwroteandsunginthehappiest,hopefultoneIcould,wishingsomeonecouldhearthepleaforhelp.NooneunderstandstheguiltIhold,ortheregretthatpullsmedown.Ijustneededonepersontounderstand,andmaybeI'dstopfeelingliketheworldwascrashingdownonme.
Iwaspulledoutofmythoughtswhensomethingmovedinfrontofme.InoticedBella,andsawthatshewassuddenlyrelaxed.Before,shehadbeensotense,lookingalmostreadytorunfromtheroom,andnowsherelaxedintohersittingpositionwithhereyesclosedandasmallsmileonherlips.
"That'soneofmyfavorites."Shemurmured,whenshenoticedthatIstoppedsinging.
SheopenedhereyesandIbaskedintheemotioninhereyes.Theanxiety,fear,hope,andmostimportantlyunderstanding.
Shestaredstraightintomyeyesasifshecouldseeeveryscarmysoulheld.
"Whydidyoudothat?"Sheaskedsuddenly.Ilookedather,confused,andnoticedherintensecuriousstare.
"Dowhat?"Iasked.
"Crashinalltheemotionslikethat.Thelyricsareguiltyandsadbutit'ssuchaflashymelody.Andthenthechorusgetsallhopeful.Whydidyoudoitlikethat?"Sheasked.
Igapedather,suddenlyfeelingveryexposed.Shenoticedit.Shesawthestorybehindit.Shesawme.
"Becausethat'slife."Itoldher,stillfeelingbewildered."It'salwaysgoingtobedifferentemotionsthrownatyou,mostofthembad,butthebestwaytohandleit,istolookonthebrightsideandbehappywithwhatyouhave.Justtounderstandthatthegoodthingaboutlifeisthatitgoeson."
Shesmiledandhereyesseemedtoshinemore.
"Iknewtherewasareasonwhyyouguysweremyfavorite."Shemurmuredtoherself."Thesongsaysitall."Shefinished,standingup,smiling,andwalkingbackouttotheotherroom.
Iwasleftbreathless.Thesongcouldhavebeentakensomanydifferentways,couldbeinterpretedtowhateverwaythelistenerwanted,butshesaweverything.SheheardthatcryforhelpthatIwasdesperatelywhispering.
Howdidshedothat?Itwasprobablytheflashiestandpeppiestsongthatwehad,butshestillknew.
Fascinating.Utterly,andcompletelyfascinating.
"HeyEddie"Emmett'svoicesuddenlyechoedaroundme."Quitstaringoffintospaceandgetoverhere."
Istoodandwentbackintothecontrolroomwhereeveryonewaswaiting.
"What'supwithyou?"Jasperasked,noticingmyincredulousstare.
"Nothing"Imuttered.IturnedtolookatBella,whowasstaringbackatmecuriously.
"Nothingatall"Imutteredagain.
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"Seriously?"Alicesaid,tryingtoreigninherlaughteratEmmett.
"Seriously"Jasperconfirmed,laughingwithherastheydiscussedtheoddthingsthatEmmetthaddoneinlife.Thebiggoofballjustsatnexttothem,baskingintheattention.
AngelaandBenweretalkingquietlyinfrontofthemusicconsole,theirhandsintertwinedandtheirfacesclose.
ThenBellasatrightinfrontofme.Weweresittingonthefloorinfrontofthedoortothestudioandjustcontinuedtalking.Wehadrecordedacouplesongsandgonethroughdifferentacousticsandeverythingandnow,wewerejusthangingoutandtalking.
IhadtofindoutmoreaboutBella,soIaskedhertositwithmeandwejustbegantalking.Atfirst,shewasrigidagain,butafterIaskedhersomethingtodowithmusic,sherelaxedandherguardedeyesopenedupagain.
"Exactly"Sheexclaimedexcitedly,throwingherhandsinfrontofhertoemphasizeherhappiness.
Ilaughedalongwithheraswecontinuedtalkingaboutdifferenterasandgenresofmusicandwhichtimeofmusicwewouldhavelovedtolivein.Wehadalsotouchedonmorepersonalsubjectssuchasschoolandfamily.Well,wetouchedonherschoolandfamily.Icouldn'tgivemuchinformationaboutme.
ShewastwentyandIwastwentyone,sowewerebothcollegeage,exceptsheactuallystudiedandbecauseourbandwassignedacouplemonthsafterhighschool,Ididn'tgointocollege.Wediscussedthehorrorsofhighschoolforabit,andthenshetoldmeaboutherdadandmom.IcouldonlytellheraboutmyauntEsmeanduncleCarlisle.
Iwasn'twillingtoapproachthetopicofmyactualparents.Justlikeshewasn'twillingtoapproachthetopicofwhathadhappenedinherlifetomakeherhideallthetime.
Wewereabletotalkandagreeonmostthings,andteaseeachother,exceptweknewtheboundariesofwhattheotherwasnotgoingtotalkabout.Itfeltnice.Toopenup.Itwasn'tcompletelyopen,butitmanagedtomakemeforgetaboutthoseproblemsandallIthoughtaboutwasthebeautiful,funny,andunderstandingwomaninfrontofme.
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Bella'sPOV:
"Seeyoutomorrow."ItoldEdward,asIhoppedintomytruck.
"Youbetterbethere."Hewarned,teasingly.Ismiledandhesmiledback.Hewavedandtheguysallgotintothecarwithhim.
Ipulledoutoftheparkinglotandmademywaybacktocampus.Iwasontopoftheworldrightnow.Never,sincethetimebeforeIwassix,haveIeverfeltlikethat.Thatfeelingofnotlookingoveryourshoulderorthinkingeveryonewasouttogetyou.Nothavingtobeparanoid,andnotbeingtensedandreadytoruneverysecondoftheday.
EdwardmademefeeltherelaxedwayIfelteverynightwhenIlistenedtohisvelvetvoicelullmetosleep.Ifeltsonormal.
WhenIgothome,andsaidgoodnighttoAlice,IwentstraighttobedandplayedthesongthatEdwardhadsungquietlyinfrontofme.
IalwaysthoughtIwaswronginmyinterpretationofthesong.IthoughtIwasjusttoomuchofamelancholypersonandwaslookingtoofarintoit.Alicejustthoughtitwasanupbeatsongwithameaningtoliveyourlife,despitethebadthings.Iagreedwithheronthat,butIlookedfartherintoit.
ItsoundedasifEdwardwastryingtodescribehislife.Tryingtodescribewhateverproblemshehadinhispastbutbeoptimisticandhopefulaswell.
Whenhetoldmewhatthesongwasabout,Ismiled,realizingIwasrightinmyassumptions.IwasgladthatIwasabletolookfartherintoitthanthebeat.
IbegantofallasleepjustasEdward'svoicegottothechorus.
StayAwake
Getagripandgetout,
You'resafe
Fromtheweightoftheworld,
Justtake
Asecondtosetthingsstraight
I'llbefine
EventhoughI'mnotalwaysright
Icancountonthesuntoshine
Dedicationtakesalifetime
Butdreamsonlylastforanight
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SongisStayAwake(acousticversion)by:AllTimeLow.Thischaptermighthavebeenalittleconfusing,butthat'skindofthepoint.Edwardalsohassomethinginhispastthattroubleshim,andmusicisalsohisescape.
Iwastryingtoemphasizetheimportanceofdifferentinterpretationsofasong,causeifyoulistentothesong,itreallyisprettyflashyandpeppy.Thelyricscanbetakenwhateverwayyouwantthough,dependingonhowyoufeel.It'slikeoneofthoseuniversalsongs,soitfitwellforEdward.Iunderstandifyoucan'tseetheresemblance,sosorryifit'smegaconfusingforyou.
SwingLifeAway
Disclaimer:Itbreaksmyheart,butIdonotownanythingTwilightrelated.
Bella'sPOV:
Youknow,forsuchanexcitingsubject,thisclasssureisboring.ImusedasIstruggledtokeepmyeyesopen.Thebaldingprofessorattheheadoftheclassroomkeptdroningonandon,takingnonoticeofthedroopingheadsofhisstudents.
IglancedatmywatchandsighedinreliefwhenIsawthattherewereonlyacoupleofmoreminutesuntiltheclasswasover.Afterthis,IwasheadingstraighttothestudiowithAlice.
ThinkingaboutgoingwithAlice,causedmymindtostartdriftingtoyesterday.IthoughtitwasabsolutelyhilariousthatAliceandJasperhadbeentalkingwitheachother.IcaughthertextingduringthedayandwhenIfinallymanagedtoprythephoneoutofherhands,sheadmittedtogivingJasperherphonenumberandthattheyhadbeentalkingallday.
SinceAlicehadnonightclasses,andAngelaandBenhadnoproblemwithit,Aliceaccompaniedmetothestudioandwascomingagaintoday.Ididn'twanttoberudeandaskAliceabouttheirrelationship,ifitwasjustfriendlyorsomethingelse,butIwasdyingtoknow.
I'llaskherassoonasthisclassisover.Iconcluded.
Whentheprofessorfinallyendedtheclass,Ishovedmybooksintomybagandranfortheexit,justlikeeveryoneelse.AssoonasIwasoutofthebuilding,theflashyyellowpaintofAlice'sPorschecaughtmyeye.Thelittlepixiesatonthehoodwithhersketchpadinhand,probablydrawinganotherdesign.
"HeyAlice"IgreetedasIsteppedinfrontofher.
"Hey"Shegreetedback,smiling,andputtinguphersketchbook.Weslidintothecarandstartedoffinthedirectionofthestudio.Alicewashummingtoherself,andtherewasabrilliantsmileonherface.HerexcitementandhappinessmademesuspiciousonceagainofherfeelingsforJasper,soItookadeepbreathandopenedmymouthtoaskher.
"I'msoexcitedtoseeJasper."ShesuddenlyblurtedoutbeforeIcouldaskthequestion.Ididn'tneedtoaskanything,becauseshecontinuedtotalk.
"IknowI'vejustbarelymethim,butthere'ssomethingabouthim.He'ssosweet,andcharismatic.WheneverItalktohim,IgettheselittlebutterfliesinmystomachandIfeellikeI'mstandingontopoftheworld!"Sheexclaimed.Shebouncedalittleinherseatandleanedforwardtohugthesteeringwheelclosertoher.
"Soyoulikehim?Likehim,likehim?"Ienunciated,makingsuretomakemypointwasclear.
"Yes."Shesighedsoftly."Bella,I'veneverfeltlikethis."
Ismiledsadly,andhadaninternalfight.IfItoldAlicetobecareful,shewouldprobablygetmadatme,butifIsaidnothing,shemightendupheartbroken.Whethershewouldgetmadatmeornot,Ineededtowarnher.
"Becareful,Alice."Istarted,glancingathertomakesureshewouldn'tblowup."Heisfamousinaway,andyouneverknowwhatwillhappen.Whathappensifhedoesn'treciprocateyourfeeling?Orifyoudogettogether,andyoucan'thandleyourlifebeingthrustinthepublic?"
Iglancedatheragainandnoticedthethoughtfullookonherface.Atleastshewasn'tmad.
"Iknowit'sstrangebutIhavethisfeelinglikeitsfate.It'sallgoingtoworkout,Iknowit."ShebrieflyglancedatmeandInoticedthewayhereyesshined.
"Whatifitdoesn't?"Icontradicted.Ididn'twanttostifleanyofherdreamsbutIjustneededtogetitintohermindthatlifeisn'tperfect.
"Itwill."Shesaidwithanothersmile.
"Butwhatifitdoesn't?"Ipressedagain.Shesighedandthenlookedatme,rollinghereyes.
"Haven'tyoulearnednottobetagainstme?"Shemumbledsoundingalittleagitated.
"Ifitdoesn'tworkout,thenIwilljustgolesbianandconvinceyoutobemylover.I'msureyouwouldbegreatinbed."Shesaidwithawinkinmydirection.Ilaughedandlettheseriousconversationdrop.
Aliceknowshowtotakecareofherself.IfJasperhurther,she'dkickhimwherethesundon'tshineandmakesurethatboywasneverabletohavekids.
Wepulledintotheparkingspot,andwemadeourwayinsidewherethebandwas
alreadysitting.
"HeyBella!Ijustgotacallthatmycousinisinlaborrightnow,doyoumindifBenandIleave?"Angelaasked,hereyesdartingaroundfrantically.
"SureAngela,go!Makesuretheynamethebabyaftermethough."Itoldher,shelaughedbrieflybeforedraggingBenoutthedoor,andIcouldhearherburnrubberoutside.Dang,shewasinahurry.
"Youshowed."Edward'svoicesuddenlysaidfrombehindme.
Iturnedtoseeasmirkonhisfaceandhishandrunningthroughhishair.Hewasreferringtoyesterdaywhenhemademepromisetocomebackcauseafterspendingthewholenighttalkingtohim,hewassurethathis"weirdness"wouldscaremeaway.
"ToldyouIwould"ItoldhimwithasmileasImovedtoputmybagnexttothecouch.
Eventhoughhehadbeenabletomakemefeelcomfortableyesterday,theparanoiaandanxietywasslowlyspreadingthroughmychestagain.EspeciallysinceEdwardwasonlysixinchesawayfromme.ThatcoldvoidwassettlingonmychestandmymuscleswererigidwiththeadrenalinethatwouldfuelmyneedtorunifIneededto.
It'snotlikeIwashavingsomeweirdemotionalbreakdownorsomething.Mybrainandmybodyknewthatnoteveryonewasouttogetme,butmybrainwantedtotakeprecautions.Iaccepteditwillingly,andtooktheprecautionsofbeingwaryandreadytorunlikehellifsomethingwentwrong.
Onlymymom,dad,andAlicewereabletorelaxmejustenoughtomakemelosethatwarinessandparanoia.Thereweremomentsthough,liketheencounterwithmydadontheweekend,whentheywouldaccidentallystartlemeandamemoryofthepastwouldflashinmymind,scaringme,whichwouldtakeforevertocalmmedown.I'msurprisedIwasabletorelaxyesterdaywithEdward.Ithinkitwasjustbecauseweweretalkingaboutmusic,andthatwasasubjectthatalwayscalmedme.
"Sohaveanycoolnewsongstorecordtoday?"IaskedasIturnedaroundtofacethebandandAlice,whowassittingnexttoJasper.
"Wehaveonesongthatwefinallyfinishedwriting,andEdwardwantedtorunsomethingbyusthathewroteyesterday."Emmettansweredfromhisspotonthecouch.
"Okay,thenlet'sgetstarted."
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"Whatifwemakethefirstscreamfadeintothebackgroundalittlemore,andthentheacousticsrightaftercanjustbuildoffofit."Ioffered.
IturnedtoEdwardonmyrightwhowaslookingconfused,andEmmettandJasperonmyleftwerelookingalittlefrustrated.
"Whatdoyoumean?"Emmettfinallyasked.HelookedalittlesheepishtoaskandEdwardandJasperwerebothlookingawayinembarrassment,becauseIcouldtellthattheyalsodidn'tknowwhatImeant.Itwasn'tabadthing,theywereonlysupposedtomakethemusic,andI'mtheonewho'ssupposedtoknowthisstuff.
"Here,likethis."IsaidasIbegantherecordedsongandthenbeganchangingtheacousticslikeIwassaying,lettingthemhearwhatIwassayingearlier.
"Oh!"Allthreeofthemexclaimedastheyheardthesongwiththedifferentsoundatthebeginning.
"That'ssoundssocool!"Emmettsaid,jumpingup.EdwardandJaspervoicedtheiragreements.
"Canwedothesamethingattheend,then?"Edwardasked.
"Exceptbackwards"Jasperaddedin.
"Sothatitfinishesinabigbang"Emmettaddedafter.
Ismiledattheirenthusiasmastheyfinallygotintotheengineeringpart.
"Noproblem."Istatedaswecontinuedcleaningupthesound.
Alicewasonthecouchbehindusfinishingasketchofhers.Shetoldme,whentheguyswererecording,whatthedesignwas.Itwasapairofjeansthatjustscreamed"Asphyxiated".Justliketheband,itwasn'tcommittedtoasinglestyle,buthaddifferentones.Theyweren'tstraight,skinny,orbaggy,butthedesignwasjustsocool.Alicereallydidhavetalent.
"Thatsongyouwereworkingon,"IbeganaskingEdward."Areyougoingtoleaveitacoustic?"
"Mostlikely"Hesaid,turningawayfromthemusicconsoletolookatme.HisfacewasonlyinchesawayandIwassurprisedthatIdidn'tfeeladrenalineshootingthroughme.InsteadIfeltacurrentoftinglingelectricity.
"We'retryingtokeepanevenbalancebetweenhardcoreandacoustic."Jasperaddedin,whichcausedmetoturnawayfromEdwardandlookattheconsoleagain.
Afteranotherhourandahalf,wefinallyfinishedanditwasteno'clock.It'sagoodthingitwasFriday,whichmeantnoclassestomorrow.IwaslockingupthestudiowhenEdward'svoicecamefrombehindme.
"TheguysandIweregoingtogogetsomethingtoeat.DoyouandAlicewanttojoinus?"Iturnedandsawahopefullookonhisface.HowcouldIsaynotothat?Besides,Alicewasbehindhimnoddingherheadfuriouslytoconvincemetosayyes.
"Sure."Isaidwithasmile.AlicepumpedherarmsupinexcitementandEdwardsmiledinrelief.AliceandIquicklyputourbagsintohercarbeforeclimbingintoEdward'sVolvo.
"Whereto?"Iasked,snugglinginbesidethecardoorandAlice.Jasperwasnexttoher,whileEmmetthadshotgunandEdwarddrove.
"Whatevermeetsyourfancy"Edwardsaid.
"I'mkindofinthemoodforpizza."Alicepipedup,bouncingalittlewithexcitement.
"Pizzaitisthen."Jaspersaid,andthentoldEdwardacertainplacetogo.
RidingwiththebandhadtobeoneofthefunniestexperiencesIhaveeverhad.IwasalittleonedgebutEmmetthaduslaughingsomuchthatIcompletelyrelaxedafterawhile.
"Hereweare."Edwardsaid,pullingintoanarcadeandpizzaplace.IletoutalittlegiggleandEdwardsmiledslylyatmethroughthereviewmirror.
"Awesome!"Emmettbellowedbeforejumpingoutofthecarandsprintingtotheentrance.Wealllaughedheartilyaswemadeourwaytothebuilding.It'sagoodthingthatweweretheonlyonesaround,besidesthepeopleworking,becausewedidn'twantsomeonetorecognizetheguys.
It'snotliketheyweremoviestarfamous,theywerejustlikeotherbandsthatwerenoticedonlytothosewhoknewthem,butcouldseemlikearegularpersontosomeonewhodidn'tlistentotheirmusic.ThebandofAsphyxiatedwasalittlemorewideknowntothefemalepopulationthough,becauseoftheguy'sgoodlooks.
Whenwegotinside,Emmettwasalreadywavingmadlyatusfromatableattheback.AwaitresswasjustwalkingawaysoIfiguredoutthatEmmetthadalreadyorderedforus.
"Igotameatlovers,pepperoni,andcheese.Nowlet'sgetthisshowontheroad!"Heexclaimed,jumpingupassoonaswereachedthetable.Herantothefirstgamehesawandstarteddispensingquarters,readytoplay.AliceandJasperlaughedandwenttogoplaysomeairhockey.
"Doyoumindifwejustsit?"Edwardaskedme.
"Ofcourse"Ireplied,sittingdowninthebooth.Heslidinfrontofme.Iwasexpectingatleastalittlebitoftensionfrommyself,buttherewasnothing.Notasingleounceoffearinmeatall.Theedgesofhislipspulledupslightlyandhewatchedmeintensely.
"What?"Iasked,feelingalittleselfconscious.Hesatupstraightfromhisleaningpositionandsmiledcrookedly.
"Doyourealizehowfascinatingofapersonyouare?"Hesuddenlyasked,lookingatmewithshiningeyes.
"Whatdoyoumean?"Iasked.TherewasnowaythatplainBellaSwancouldfascinatehim.He'sarockstar,he'sboundtohaveseentonsoffascinatingpeople,andIsuredidn'tcountasone.
"Imeanthatyou'reutterlyfascinating."Hesaidagain.Heleanedforwardandwatchedmeintensely.Iwasstartingtowishthatmymindwouldgivemealittleshotofadrenalinerightnow,becauseforsomereason,hisclosenesswasmakingmyheartpound.
"Ithinkyouhavethewrongperson.Besidesbeingobsessedwithmusic,there'snothingthatinterestingaboutme."Itoldhim,turningawayfromhisstare.IwatchedwithasmallsmileasmysightsetonAliceandJasperwhowerelaughingastheyplayedairhockey.Emmettwasplayingagamewithgunsandhehadthefakegunclaspedinhishandstightlywithalookofamusingconcentrationonhisface.
"Oh,howwrongyouare."Edwardmurmuredinfrontofme.Iturnedbacktohimandwascaughtoffguardathisstare.Hisgreeneyeswereintense,hisbrowfurrowed,hislipsabitpursed.Ifeltablushcreepupmyneckattheintensity.Edwardcaughtthatandhechuckled,relaxingfromhisstareandsittingstraightagain.
"You'llseeoneday,Bella.I'llshowyouhowamazingyouareoneday."Hetoldme
withanothersmile.Irolledmyeyesathimbutsmiledback.
"So,Iknoweverythingthatafancanmanagetoknowaboutyouguys,sohowaboutyougivemesomethingthatyou'venevertoldatabloid."Iasked,foldingmyhandsinfrontofmeandleaningforwardoverthetable.Hechuckledbeforelookingdeepinthough.
"Hmmm,Iwearboxersnotbriefs."Hetoldmewithaseriouslookonhisface.Itriedtokeepmyfaceasseriousashisbutbothusendedupcrackinguplaughing.
"No,seriously"Iridiculed.Hesmiledandlookeddownathisfoldedhandsonthetable.
"Hmmm."Hemusedtohimself.Hisfacelitupasheliftedafingerintheair,signalinghehadthoughtofsomething."IusedtowetthebeduntilIwasten."
Iwaswaitingforhimtocrackupagain,buthisfacewastotallyserious,andabitembarrassed.
"Really?"Iasked,surprised.Hisneckflushedashelookeddownandmeeklynoddedhishead.Ibittheinsideofmycheektotryandrestrainmyselffromdoinganythingmean,buthelookedupandIcouldn'thelpalittlegiggleandasmallsmile.
"Whatever."Hemuttered,embarrassed,lookingdown.IfeltbadthatIcouldn'trestrainmyself,butIalsosmiledathisembarrassment.
"IoncetookouthalfofmyhighschoolwhenItrippedonthefootballstadiumbleachers."Itoldhimblushingalittle.Helookedupandcrackedasmile,whichwasthereactionIwashopingfor.
Inreactiontohissmile,Igrinnedalittleandmadeeyecontactwithhim.AssoonasIdid,Ifeltelectricityagain.IwasunawarethatJasperwaschasingAlicearoundthearcadeforsomereason,andIwasn'tawareofEmmettyellinginvictory.AllIcouldseewasmymusicidolrightinfrontofme.Hispiercinggreeneyeswerestaringbackatmeanditwaslikesomeonesuddenlyopenedafloodgateofemotions.Hiseyesweresad.Behindallthatpassionandhappiness,therewasadeepagonyinhim.Hisgreeneyeswithgoldflecksweretired.
"Youknowyounevertoldme,"Ibegan."Whatgotyouintomusic?"
Assoonasthequestionleftmylips,thatguardofhappinessreturnedtohiseyes,andhiseyeswidenedabit,andhesomehowmadethemshinejustlikerockstar'seyesshould.
"Justhighschooldrama."Hemumbled.Ihadtobeanidiottorealizethatthatwasn'tthetruth,butIwashidingthingsaswell,andthiswasn'tgoingtobeacaseof'ifhetells,I'lltell.'TherewereobviouslythingsinhispastthathauntedhimjustasmuchasIwas.Iwasn'tabouttopushhimtoreleaseallofthatagony.
Ismiledandbrushedhishandreassuringlyrealquick.Itfeltgoodtotouchhim.Iwasn'thavinganytensemomentsandthewayIfeltaroundhimwasjustascomfortableasthewayIfeltaroundAlice,Charlie,andRenee.Iwasexpectingmytouchtohimtomaybetensemeupalittle,butinstead,Irelaxed.Edwardlookeddownatthetouchandsmiledabit.HiseyeslookedupthroughhiseyelashesandhelookedlikeashiningGreekgod.
"Alargemeatlovers,pepperoni,andcheese."Thewaitresssaidasshearrivedatourtable,jugglingthreepizzapans.HervoiceaffectivelybrokeupthestaringcompetitionbetweenEdwardandIandItookthattimetorestartmyheart.Dang,thisrockstarsureknowshowtodazzleagirlbreathless.
SheleftwithafriendlysmileandalingeringstaretowardsEdward.Icouldn'thelpbutsmirk.AssoonasEmmett,Jasper,andAlicesawthatthefoodwashere,theycamerunning.Therestofthenightwasfilledwithlaughter,games,andeasygoingconversation.
"Wehadagreattimetonight,guys!Seeyoutomorrowatfour!"AliceyelledwhileIwavedenthusiastically.TheguyswavedandcalledbackwhileAliceandIslidintohercar.
"ThatwasthemostfunI'vehadsinceweprankedMikeNewtonoutofthebathroomwithhispantsaroundhisanklesonpromnight!"Aliceexclaimedaswezoomeddowntheroad.Ienthusiasticallyagreedandweturnedupthemusicandsangloudlyandcrazily.We'vehadtoomuchfunalreadyandweweren'twillingtoletitend.
Assoonaswegottoourdorm,thefunandexhilarationfinallygottomeandwasreplacedbyadrearycloudofweariness.IwasasleepassoonasEdward'svoicecameoutofmyspeakers.
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Edward'sPOV:
"Well,thathasgottobethemostfunIhavehadinawhile."Emmettexclaimed."ItwouldhavebeenbetterifRosewasthere,butno,shehadtogodoaphotoshoot.Man,Ineverwhatitfeltliketobeafifthwheeluntiltoday."Hrfinishedwithapout.
IrolledmyeyesandJasperspokeuptocontradicthim.
"Emmett,foryoutobeafifthwheel,itwouldrequireEdwardandItoactuallybeinrelationshipswithBella,andAlice."
Emmettsmiledslylyandwaggledhiseyebrows.
"Please,y'allweredroolingoverthemallnightlong.Youguyswerepracticallyinyourownlittleworld,thattshouldhavebeenadate."
"Whatever."JasperandIsaidatthesametime,scowlingathim.
"Wellsomeone'scranky.Don'tsnapatmeforjuststatingtheobvious."Heshotbackatus.
Whenwegothome,Iimmediatelywentintothemusicroomwhiletheybothwenttobed.TherewasasongstartingtowriteitselfinmyheadandIneededtogetitoutandonpaper.AssoonasBellahadsensedthatIdidnotwanttotalkaboutwhatgotmeintomusic,IrealizedwewerealittlemoresimilarthanIhadguessed.Webothhadscarsfromourpasts,andwejustwantedtorunawayfromthem.
Ibeganstrummingandsingingthewordsthathadfabricatedinmyheadwhilewewereeatingandbegantobuildasongoffofthat.
I'llshowyoumine,
Ifyoushowmeyoursfirst,
Let'scomparescars,
I'lltellyouwho'sisworse
Let'sunwritethesepagesand,
Replacethemwithourownwords
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SongforthischapterisSwingLifeAwayby:RiseAgainst.It'salittledifferentbutthelyricsfitwell.
Thankstoeveryonewhoisreadingandreviewing,andrememberthatyoucansendinnamesofyourfavoritebandsatanytime.Quickquestion!DoyouguyswantRosalietobenice?Shehasaspecificparttodolateroninthe
TongueTied
Disclaimer:IdonotownanyoftheTwilightcharacters,butIdoownthefictionalbandofAsphyxiated.That'sgoodenoughforme!InyourfaceStephanieMeyer!
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Edward'sPOV:
"Can'tweatleastaddinaguitarsoloorsomescreaming?"Emmettwhinedaswewentovertherewriteofthesongwewereworkingon.
"Ithoughtyousaidthatyouwantedthisonetobemoremainstream."Iarguedback.Jasperjustsatquietly,occasionallyrollinghiseyes.
"Youguysstillarehavingtroubleinthere?"Bellaasked,hervoiceechoingaroundus.Isatupabitandspokeintothemicrophonesoshecouldhearusfromthecontrolroom.
"Yeah.Oneofushappenstohaveashortattentionspanandcan'tmakeuphismind."Isaid,throwingEmmettanaccusingglare.BellagiggledandIcouldhearAngela,Ben,andAlice'slaughterbehindher.
"Wouldsomepizzasettlethedrummerboy'smind?"Sheasked.
"Hellyes!"Emmettyelled,causingmetocringesincehewasrightnexttome.Bellalaughedagainandaskeduswewantedbeforecallingfordelivery.
Twentyfiveminuteslater,therewasaknockatthedoor.Wehadsincetakenabreakfromwritingandmovedintothecontrolroomtowaitforthefood.Bellagotuptoanswerthedoor,butIdidn'twanthertopay,soIfollowed.
Sheopenedthedoortofindshortbrunettecarryingthethreepizzaboxes.Shelookedtobeaboutseventeen,andsheobviouslyhatedherjobsincesheseemedtohaveapermanentfrownetchedonherlips.
"Onemeatlovers,onecheese,andonewithalltheworks?"SheaskedBella,towhichsherespondedwithasmileandanod.
"Seventeendollarsandfifty-threecents."Thedeliverygirltoldher.BellareachedintoherpocketbutthisiswhenIsteppedaroundherandstilledherhand.
"Letmegetthis."Itoldher.IbrushedoffherprotestsasIhandedthegirlthemoney.Inoticedthatthegirlwentpalewhitethough.
"You'reEdwardMason."Shewhisperedinshock.Ismiledandnodded.Hereyeslitupandshebalancedthepizzasonherkneeasshestartedtodigintoherpockets.IquicklytookthepizzasandgavethemtoBellabeforethegirlcoulddropthem.Thegirlsuddenlyfoundapenandpaperandsheblushedasshelookedatme.
"CouldIpleasehaveyourautograph?"Sheasked,alittlesheepishly.Ismiled,happythatshewasafan.
"Sure.Infact,theentirebandishere,Icouldgettheresignaturesaswellifyouwant?"Ioffered;thegirllookedlikeshehaddiedandgonetoheaven,whichmademesmileevenmore.Shenoddedherheadenthusiastically,whichcausedBellatogigglealittlebit.Sheputherarmonthegirl'sback,leadingherinside.
"Comeoninwhilehedoesbusiness."Shejoked.Thegirllaughedandsmiledwidely.
"I'mKate,bytheway."Thegirlintroducedherself.IsmiledagainasIcalledouttotheguysassoonaswewereinthecontrolroom.
"YoumindgivingKateanautograph?"
Theybothagreedheartilyandjumpedup.AfterKateleftbacktowork(jumpinginjoyforthepictureandsignedpaper),weateandthenwentbacktowritingthesong.Emmettwasmuchmoreagreeablenowthathehadfoodinhissystem.
"Yes!"Iexclaimedaswefinallyfinishedthesong.IlookedupinexcitementtolookatBellainthecontrolroombutfrownedwhenIsawherandAlicegettingreadytoleave.
"Whereareyoutwogoing?"Iaskedinthemicrophone.Sheturnedandputherbagaroundhershoulderbeforeleaningdowntoanswer.
"AngelaandBenhavetotakecareofya'llfortherestoftheday.AliceandIaregoinghometovisitourfamiliesandwe'llbebackonMonday."Shesaid,theaddedechoinhervoicemakingmefrownevenmoreasitseemedtoalmostmockmethatIwassadshewasleaving.
"Oh."Isaidlamely.Iheardhergigglewhichmademelookbackup.Shehadalittlesmileonherlips.
"YoulooklikeIjustranoveryourpuppy."Shejoked.IsmiledalittleatherbutfrownedwhenIheardEmmettandJasperlaughinghystericallybehindme.
IturnedtoglareatJasper."Youknow,Aliceisleavingtoo."Thatcausedhimtostoplaughing.HeturnedtotheglassandpoutedatagigglingAlice.
"Youguyswilldofinewithoutmyassistanceforadayandahalf."Shereassuredandjokedatthesametime.ShesmiledteasinglyatAlicebeforesaying,"andit'snotlikeAlicehelpsaroundhereanyway.She'sjustheretoprettyuptheplace."
AlicegiggledandsmackedBella'sarmjokingly.SheleanedinfrontofBellatosaysomethingintheintercom.
"We'llseeyouonMondayboys.Trytoagreewiththemonceinawhile,Emmett."Shesaid,beforestandingstraightandbeginningtowalkawaywithBella.
"Wait!"JasperandIyelledatthesametime,jumpingupandsprintingtowardthedoortothecontrolroom.JasperimmediatelystartedwhisperingwithAlice,whileIstoodlamelyinfrontofBella,tryingtothinkofsomethingtosay.
"Uhm,bye"Iwhisperedlamely,mymindcomingupblankforsomethingtosay.ShesmiledatmeandmyheartseemedtothrobasIgazedatherbeauty.Thosedeepguardedeyeswereopentomerightnow,andIfeltlikeIcouldseehersoul.IwonderifsherealizedhowmuchIlikedher.Likeher,intheromanticway.
TherewassomethingaboutBellathatmademyheartpoundwheneverIwasnearher.Ihadneverfeltlikethisbefore.ImeanitwhenIsaynever.IhadafewchildhoodcrushesthatendedquicklybutI'veneveractuallylikedsomeone.Heck,I'veneverhadagirlfriend,andI'veneverbeenkissed.I'veneverlookedforaffectionorloveandaftertheincidentwithmyparents;itneverevencrossedmymind.
Ialwaysknewthough,thatifIeverconsideredalovelife,thegirlwouldhavetoknowmelikeshe'sknownmeforever.Iwouldneedsomeonewhocouldunderstandeveryaspectofmymind.AndBelladid.Mymusicwasmymind,andsheunderstooditperfectly.
"Good-ByeEdward."Hervoicesaid,bringingbacktomypresentstateofmind.Shesmiledandbumpedmyshoulderplayfullybeforeturningtoleave.Iwantedtoopenmymouthtosaysomething,somethingthatwouldpleaseherandmaybecausehertolookatmeinaromanticwayaswell,butIcouldthinkofnothing.Rightnow,I'mreallyregrettingmylackofpracticewiththefemalegender.
"CanIhaveyournumber?"Isuddenlyblurtedout.MyeyeswidenedasIslappedmy
handacrossmymouth.Ifeltmyfaceburnwithembarrassment.
Shefrozeinmid-stepandIbracedmyselfforhertoturnaroundandtellmeofforsomething.IrealizethatmymindwasoverreactingbutIwasgenerallyveryafraidrightnow.Afraidofherrejection.
Insteadofsnappinganinsultorsomethingmyway,BelladidthegeneralBellathing,andsmiledatmeassheturnedaround.Ishouldhaveknown.She'swaytoonicetodoanythinglikewhatmymindwasimagining.Man,sometimesItrulydowonderifthereissomethingmentallywrongwithme.MaybeIwasdroppedonmyheadwhenIwasababy.Whoknows?
"Uhm,soyoucanexplainthingsclearerforusifwehaveanyquestions.Cause,youknow,Idon'tthinkAngelaorBenwillbeabletodumbthingsdownenoughforustounderstand."Iquicklytoldher,coveringmytracks.Ireallywastooscaredofherrejection.
IbeingamusicianshouldgivemesomekindofwaywiththeladiesbutIfeltreallydamncluelessrightnow.Maybethat'swhyEmmett'swife,Rosalie,wasalwaysmakingfunofme.Ireallyampatheticattimes.
"Ofcourse,Edward.IthinkEmmettreallymightneedhelpunderstandingthetechnicalvocabularyanyway."Shewhisperedtome,hervoicelacedwithteasingnotes.
Shemotionedformyhandandshetookitinhers.Ifeltthatpleasurableshockagainandsuddenly,everynerveinmybodybecamealivewire.Iwonderedifshecouldfeelittoo.Iknewshefelttheshocksinceshealwaysreactedtoit,butdidshefeelthattinglingcurrentafterit?
Sheproducedapenfromherbagandwrotehernumberontomypalm.ThefactthatIgothernumbermademesmilewidely.Insidemyhead,therewasalittlechantgoingoffinmyhead.IgotBella'snumber!IgotBella'snumber!IgotBella'snumber!
Wow,Imustreallylikeher.Ihaven'tactedthisstupidandhypersinceEmmettforcedJasperandItoodrinkallofachocolatefountainwithhimandwashitdownwithenergydrinks.
"I'llseeyouonMonday.Callmeifthere'sanyconfusion."Shesaid,beforesuddenlyleaningintomysideandherlipsbrushedovermycheek.ThefeelingwasheavenlyandIsuddenlyfeltmyheartthrob.ThebrushingtinglecontinuedevenaftersheturnedandmadeherwaytothedoorwithaskippingAlice.
"Youbetterwritesomemoresongswhilewe'regone."Sheyelledandthenthedoorclosed.IstoodfrozenintheexactspotIhadbeen.Thosetinglesonmycheekwerestillmakingmyheartthrobinapleasurablepressure.
"Couldyoubeanymoreobvious,Eddie?!Man,youlooklikesuchapatheticdoucherightnow!"Emmettyelledinmyear,effectivelysnappingmeoutofmyBellastupor.Iturnedandsmackedhimhardontheheadbeforescowling.
"Notallofushavebeenaman-whorelikeyouwereinhighschoolandhavethepleasureofknowingexactlyhowtotalktoawoman,soexcusemeforlookinglikeafreakingidiotinfrontofthemostamazingwomanI'veevermet!"Isnapped,breathinghardbytheendofit.
IwenttogositonthecouchandletmyheadfallintomyhandswhereItriedtocontrolmyfrustration.Iknewshouldn'thavelashedoutatEmmettlikethatbutthetruthinhiswordswerewhatmademefeelsoangry.Ididfeelpathetic.Iwasn'tusedtofeelingsoattachedtoaperson.Iwasn'tusedtocaring.Thewaymyheartseemedtopull,tighten,andconstrictwheneverIwasnearhermademefeelsoconfusedandstupid.Iwasusedtohavinglifeinperspective.Iwasusedtoknowingthings.IwasusedtobeingcontentwithwhatIhadinlifeandnowmylifewasbeingflippedupsidedownbecauseIdidn'tfeelcontentunlessIwaswithher.
IletoutanagonizedsighandthenIfeltthecouchdipassomeonesatnexttome.
"I'msorry,Edward."IheardEmmettsaynexttome.Ifelthisbighandrestonmyshoulder."Ishouldn'thavepatronizedyou.Itjustreallymakesmehappytoseeyouactsosmitten.Ifithelpsany,IactedlikeabiggeridiotwheneverIfirstmetRose,andlookhowgreatthatturnedout."
Forsuchasillyguy,Emmettreallyknewhowtomakeaguyfeelbetter.Hiswordsdidmakemefeelbetter.TheygavemehopethatmaybeIwasn'tseenasastutteringimbecileinBella'seyesandthatmaybesomedaywecouldbealittlemore.WhatstillaggravatedmethoughwasthefactthatIfeltsoemotionallyunstablewheneveritcametoBellaandI'veonlyknownherforaboutaweek.
SuddenlyIfeltsomeone'spresenceontheothersideofmeandthenIheardJasper'svoice.
"Inaddition,forwhatit'sworth,youatleastdon'thavetobetheonlyonewhoactssmitteninfrontofanamazinggirl.Imean,IknowI'vejustmetAlice,butIfeellikeI'veknownhermyentirelife.IguessI'vestartedbelievinginfate."Hesaidhiswordsandpresencedoingwonderstomytensionasitslowlydissipated.
IletlooseahugesighandIsuddenlyfeltlikeahugeweighthadbeenliftedoffmyshoulders.Iliftedmyheadandranmyfingersthroughmyhair.
"Thanksguys."Isaid,standingupfromthecouch."Man,Ifeellikesuchachick."
Theybothlaughedandstoodupwithme."Hey,I'msurewecangetsomekindofanawesomesongusingthosefeelingsthough,right?"Emmettsaidasheopenedthedoortothestudio.
"Yup"Isaidhappily.
"Hey,Edward"IheardAngelacall.Iturned;embarrassedbecauseIforgotshewasintheroomwithBenduringmylittlebreakdown.
"Yeah?"
"Ifithelps,Bella'salreadyinlovewithyourmusic,I'msureitshouldn'tbesohardforyoutomakeherfallforyou."Shesaid,withasmileonherfaceasshespokeofherfriend.
"Thanks,Angela.Itreallydoeshelp."
Acouplehourslaterofwritingandediting,wewererecordingthenewBella-inspiredsong.
Ineedalittlemoreluckthanalittlebit
CauseeverytimeIgetstuck,thewordswon'tfit
AndeverytimethatItry,Igettonguetied
Ineedalittlegoodlucktogetmeby
Ineedalittlemorehelpthanalittlebit
Liketheperfectonewordnoone'sheardyet
CauseeverytimethatItry,Igettonguetied
Ineedalittlegoodlucktogetmebythistime
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Bella'sPOV:
"What?"Iexclaimedirritatedatthelittlepixiethatkeptsneakingmelookswhenshelookedawayfromtheroad.
"Areyougoingtotellmewhat'sgoingonbetweenyouandEdward?"Sheasked,givingmeapointedglance.
"Whatareyoutalkingabout?"Iasked,tryingtofigureoutwhatwasgoingoninhererraticlittlemind.
"Don'tgivemethatcrap.Yougavehimyournumberandkissedhischeek.Whatisgoingon?"Shesnapped,givingmeanotheroneofthoselooks.ComprehensiondonnedonmeasIfinallyrealizedwhatshewastalkingabout.
"You'resuchanidiot,Alice.NothingisgoingonbetweenEdwardandme.Hejustaskedformynumbersothathecouldcallandaskquestionswhenevertheygetconfusedaboutsomething."Iexplained.
Ididn'tmisstheslightskepticallookshegaveme,andImadesuretohidethefactthatbeforeheexplainedwhyhewantedmynumber,myheartwentintooverdriveforsomeunknownreason.
"Thenwhydidyoukisshischeek?"Sheasked.Atthatquestion,Iblushedandsearchedmymindforananswer.Icouldn'tcomeupwithanythingcraftysoItoldherthetruth.
"Idon'tknow.Atthatmoment,itjustseemedlikesomethingappropriatetodo.ItwasjustanimpulseandIactedonit."Iexplained.Thatanswerseemedtosatisfyherandwewentbackintosilenceafterthat.
WhenwefinallyarrivedinForks,shedroppedmeoffatmyhouseandthendroveoff.
"Bella!"IheardCharliecallasImademywayuptheporchsteps.Thedooropenedandhegavemeaonearmhugasheusheredmeinside.IdroppedmystuffintomyroombeforecomingbackdownwhereCharliewaswaitingonthecouchwithtwocokesinhand.
"Sowhat'snew?"Heasked,asIsatdownandopenedthecokeheofferedme.Itookalongdrinkbeforeclearingmythroattoanswer.
"Well,doyourememberwhenIsaid,ifIwasevertomarryaguy,itwouldhavetobeacertainperson?"Isaid,hidingmyamusementashestartedtakingmyannouncementthewrongway.HiseyeswidenedabitandIcanbetthathewas
probablythinkingIgoteloped.
"Yeah"Hesaid,wearilydrawlingthewordout.
"DoyourememberwhoIsaiditwouldbe?"Iaskedagain,seeinghisfaceturnalittlepurpleandIwaslaughingontheinside.
"Oneofthememberstoyourfavoriteband."Hesaid.Bynow,hisbreathseemedtobealittleuneven.
"Well,IgottomeetallthreebandmembersthisweekandIwillbeworkingwiththemfortheirnewalbum!"Iexclaimed,puttingthecokedownandthrowingmyhandsupinexcitement.
Charlie'sfacequicklyreturnedbacktoitsnormalcolorandheletoutahugesighofrelief."Thankgod."Iheardhimmutter,beforehesmiled.
"That'sgreat,Bells."Hesaid,hiseyessparkling."Aretheynice?"
"They'resomeofthefriendliestpeopleI'veevermet,andtheyaresocoolanddowntoearth.Thedrummer'sabsolutelyhilarious,theguitaristissoeasytobearound,andthesingerandIhavebecomegoodfriends."Iexclaimed,notgivingtoomuchinformationbutwantinghimtoknowhowamazingthisexperiencewastome.
"Thatsoundsprettycool."Hesaid,takingasipofhiscoke,andIwonderedbrieflywhyhewasn'tdrinkingabeerinstead.ButthenIrealizedIusuallygogroceryshoppingforCharliesohisrefrigeratorwasprobablylimited.
"IthinkI'llgotothestoreandstockup,anythingparticularyouwant?"Iasked,standinguptogetmybagwhichIhadleftonthecoffeetable.
"Apackofbeer,please"Herequested,reachingtogettheremoteandturntheTVon.
Iknewit.Ithoughtsmuglyasherequestedbeer.
IcalledAlicetoseeifshecancomepickmeupsowecangotothestore,becauseIhadleftmytruckinSeattleandI'drathernotusemydad'scruiser.Sheagreedandacoupleminuteslater,wewereontheroad.
"SowhatdidJaspersaytoyouwhenweleft?"Iasked,rememberingthatwhenEdwardwastalkingtome,Jasperwastalkingtoher.
Alicesuddenlyblushedandsheturnedtolookveryconcentratedontheroad.Iwas
instantlysuspicious.
"What?"Iasked,knowingthatthecryptictoneinmyvoicewouldcrackher.JustlikeIknewshewould,shesquirmedinherseatandglancedwearilyatme.
"Fine,justquitlookingatmelikethat!"Shecriedout,exasperated.Ismiledandsettledintomychairsmugly.
"Firstheaskedstufflikewhatweweregoingtodoandstuff.Thenhesaidhewasgoingtomissme,andthathe'dbedreamingofme,andcountingthesecondsuntilIcameback."Sheadmitted.
Istaredatherwithmymouthgapedopen,completelyandutterlyshocked.Iknewthattherewassomethinggoingonbetweenthem,buttohearthattheywerelikethatwasshocking.
"Youdon'tthinkit'stoofasttosaysomethinglikethat?"Iasked.Ialmostheldmybreathforheranswer.
"No."Shewhisperedafteramoment."HeandI...justclick.There'ssomethingthatfeelsutterlyrightaboutus."
ShegavemesidelongglanceandIcouldseehowmuchshebelievedthesewords."Surelyyoucanunderstand.Don'ttellmeyoudon'tfeelanythingforEdward?"Sheaskedhervoicesuddenlycryptictowardsme.
Assoonasshesaidthesewords,apictureofEdwardsayingtomeallthosewordsthatJasperhadsaidtoAlice,cameupinmind.Isuddenlyfeltawarmtighteningonmyheartandthenspreadallthewaytomyfingertips.
"No."Isaid,butIdoubtedmyownanswer.Iwantedthatimage.IwantedEdwardtosaythosethingswithme.ButmostimportantlyIrealizedIwantedtolikeEdward.
I'dneverhadfeelingsforsomeonewhenIwasyounger,asaresulttotheincident.It'snotlikeIwantediteither.ThoughIkneweveryguywasnotlikethatoneman,Istilldidn'twanttotrustthem.ItwasunderstandablethatIhadtrustissues.ButnowthatEdwardwasinmylife,IwantedtheweirdfeelingIwashavingforhimtobeattraction.
"What'sthedoubtonyourfacefor?"Aliceasked,knowingly.Ishookmyheadtoclearit.
"Idon'tlikehim,Alice,butIdoadmitheisdifferent.Iprobablyjustfeeldifferently
aroundhimbecauseofourloveofmusic."Iexplained,reassuringmoremyselfthenher.
"Sure."Shesaid,notbelievingmeatall.
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Thatnight,Isnuggledintobedandputmyearphonesintomyear,lettingEdward'svoicesurroundme.Iwrappedmyarmsaroundmyselfandclosedmyeyes.Abuzzingsoundmademeopenthemagain.Ilookedtomyphonewhichwasslowlymovingtofalloffthecounterfromthevibrationsforce,andpickeditup.IopenedittoseeIhadanewmessagefromanunknownnumber.
SweetDreams.
-Edward
AsIreadhismessage,Icouldn'thelpthesmilethatpassedovermyface.Itwasstupidtothinkthatsomeonewhowaswaryofallpeople,especiallymen,tofeelthenormalfeelingsofattraction.
Still,though,whenIfellasleepthatnight,IfellintopeacefuldreamswiththeimageofmyarmsandiPod,actuallybeingEdward'sarmsandvoicelullingmetosleepashecradledmesafelytohischest.
Itwasjustanimage,andyetIhaven'tfeltthatcomfortableandathomeinyears.
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Wow,thatwasintense!Iwasexperiencingamajorcaseofwriter'sblockasItriedtofigureoutwhattowrite.Thiswasaprettyemotionalandintensechapter.
SongthatEdwardsingsisTongueTiedby:FaberDrive
Edwardenoughwashardtowrite,becauseheknowshelikesBella,butdoesn'tknowhowtohandlethesenewfeelings.Bella,ontheotherhandhasnoclueshelikesEdward,asshethinksit'sprettymuchimpossibleforhertoshowthosetypesofemotion.Aren'tthesetwoaninterestingpair?
Pages
Disclaimer:Idon'townanythingTwilightrelated
Bella'sPOV:
TwoweekshavepassedsincethatweirdgoodbyefromthebandwhenAliceandIweregoingtoForks.ThemeetingsatthestudiohavesloweddownalittlebecauseAsphyxiatedwasnottheonlybandrecordingatthemoment.AliceandIarecurrentlyatourdormroomsittinganddoingnothing.
Sincemeetingtheband,wehavebecomesomethingsimilartofriendsthoughIdon'treallywanttosaythatbecausewealsostillhaveaprofessionalrelationship.
JasperandIhavebecomeclose,thoughnotascloseashimandAlice.He'saverycalmingsoulandI'mabletofeelsomewhatcomfortablearoundhim.HeandIhavesomesimilaritiesthatwelovetotalkaboutandwhenwedon'tagreeonsomething,it'sreallyfuntohaveargumentsandmakeshiftdebateswithhim.
EmmettislikethebigbrotherIneverhadandhehassincedeclaredhimselfthat.I'mnotabletobecompletelycomfortablearoundhimandIalwaysfeelalittletense,butheseemstonoticethat,sowheneverwetalk,nocontactreallyhappens.IcantellitbugshimthoughbecauseIcanseehimrestraininghimselftogivemeabigbearhug.
Iwanttotellhimthatit'sfine.I'mnotgoingtofreakoutifhetouchesmeorstartscreamingmyheadoff,Iwon'treactvisiblyatall.Buttellinghimthatwouldprobablyleadtoanexplanationofsomesortandtheseboyshasalreadyfiguredouttoomuchinmyopinion.Edwardmostofall.
Idon'tknowwhattosayaboutEdward.He'sthefirstpersonI'veevermetwhoIalmostimmediatelybecamecomfortableto.I'mthinkingbecausemusicmakesmefeelnormal,andsinceheistheproducerofsaidmusic,hemakesmefeelnormalaswell.Wegetalongreallygreatandthere'salwayssomethingtotalkaboutwithhim.Thelatestalbumscomingout,thebestbooks,andmovies,thelatestdumbthingsthathavehappenedtous.Theconversationswehaveourendless.
Ican'tdenyasparkwheneverI'maroundEdward.There'salittleelectricityflowthattinglesmyentirebodywheneverI'maroundhim.Icantellhenoticesittoo.Sometimeshegetsthisreallycontemplativelookonhisfaceandthenhe'lllightlytouchmyshoulderorsomethingandthenlookathisfingerswithcuriosity.It'sstrange,butIunderstandhiscuriosity.
Themusicthattheguyshavebeenwritingisamazing,asalways.I'venoticedatrendofmorelovesongsthough.TherehasbeenanoccasionallovesonghereandtherebeforebutEdwardexplainedtomethatEmmettwasalwaystheonetoaskforonetobewrittenforhiswife,whoIstillhaveyettomeet.IkindofjustassumethatEmmettwasthecauseofthelatestsongsaswellbutthemeaningofthelyricsareallaboutnewfeelingsandneedingsomethingtheyneverknewtheydid.
EdwardwasalwaystheonetowritethesongsandnowI'mwonderingwhathashappenedinhislifeandwhatspecialgirlhavecomeinit.Forsomereason,thethoughtofhimwithagirlupsetsme.IfeelthishotconstrictinginmychestwheneverIthinkaboutit.AlicehassomecrazyideaaboutjealousyandhowIlikehimandwon'tadmitit,butlikeIsaid,it'sacrazythought.
"Bella?"Alicesaid,pullingmeoutofmythoughts.
Iturnedtolookatherstandinginthedoorwayofmydimlylitroomandobservedherlightandhappymood.She'sbeenlikethatforthewholepastweek.ThereasonwhyisbecauseJasperfinallyaskedheroutonadateandtheyhadspentanentirenightjustsittinginourdormlivingroomandtalkingbeforeitendedwithakiss.Theywereofficiallyboyfriendandgirlfriend.Thenewshasyettogettothepress,thankgod.We'renotlookingforwardtothat.
"Theguysinvitedusovertotheirhouseforalittlegatheringtheywerehaving.Doyouwanttogo?"Sheasked.Icouldtellshereallywantedtogo,seeingasshewasbouncingalittlebitandherbodywasalreadyhalfturnedoutofthedoorwayjustitchingtoruntoherclosetandgetready.
Unfortunately,Ihadtosayno.
"Sorry,Alice,butIhavethispaperformusictheorythatIwanttogetstartedandIreallywantedtodothattonight."Iexplained.Iimmediatelyfeltbadwhenhershoulderssaggedandherfacefell.
"Oh."Sheresponded.
"Thatdoesn'tmeanyoucan'tgo.Youbabymetoomuch,I'llbefine,Alice.Gohavefunwithyourrockstarboyfriend."Iquicklysaid.ItannoyedmetonoendwhenAlicetriedtodosomethingfor'mybenefit.'Ilovedher,andIknowshewasonlytryingtolookoutforme,butIdon'twantherlifebeingdulleddownjustbecauseI'vehadacrappyone.
"Areyousure?"Sheasked,althoughthebounceinherstepwasalreadybackandshewasturningalittlemoreoutofthedoorway.
"Positive."Irespondedwithasternnodofmyheadandthenaquicksmile.
Shesquealedandranoutoftheroomyelling,"Thankyou!"Ilaughedtomyselfbeforepullingmylaptoptomeandstartingonmyessay.IcouldhearAlicerummagingaroundherclosetforsomethingcomfortablebutfashionabletowear.Twentyminuteslater,sheappearedinmydoorwayagain,allshinyandprimped.
"Areyousureyoudon'twanttocome?"Sheasked,shruggingajacketontohershoulders.
Ihonestlydidwanttogo.HangingoutwiththeguysisthemostfunI'vehadsincethedaysAliceandIwouldprankMikeNewtoninhighschool.Also,Iwouldn'ttellAlice,butIwasdyingtoseeifEdward'sinspirationforthenewsongswouldbethere.IjustfeltlikeIshouldmakesurethisgirlisgoodenoughforhim.He'sanamazingguywho'sreallycomplex;hedeservessomeonewhoisjustasamazing.
Also,Ireallydidn'tneedtostarttheessayrightnow,butitgavemeanexcusetonotgo.Iwasn'tfeelinguptobeingsurroundedbypeople,andIwantedtimetothinkoverthesenewfeelingsofprotectivenessoverEdward.Theywerecertainlysomethingexclusive.SomethingI'veonlyeverfeltforAliceandmyparents.IharboredthesamefeelingsforEmmettandJasperbutIknewthatJasperwasingoodhands,andEmmetttalksofhiswifesohighly.Forsomereason,Edward'slonelinessisstrikingmethehardest.
"Absolutelypositive.Gohavefun;I'llcallyouifsomethinghappens."Itoldher,pretendingtoimmersemyselfinwritingsothatshewouldnothesitateandleave.
"Okay.Seeyoulater,"wasthelastthingIheardbeforethedormturnedsilent.
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Ilookedtotheclockandsawthatitwasnineo'clock.MystomachsuddenlyletoutahugegrowlandremindedmethatIhadnoteatensincebreakfast.IwasinnomoodtocooksoIdecidedtogooutandgrabasandwichorsomething.Maybeafterthat,I'dgotoamovie.
Ithrewmycoatonandleftthedormbuildings,feelinggratefulthatitwasFridayandtherewasnocurfew.Tenminuteslater,Iparkedatasmalldinerandmademywayinside.TherushofwarmairandmouthwateringscentshitmeandIreveledinthatcomfortable,homelyfeelingbeforemakingmywaytothefarthestboothintheback.
"Hello,darling.WhatcanIgetyou?"Anelderlywoman,dressedinaclassicbluewaitresssuit,asked.
"CanIgetthechickensandwichandacoke,please?"Iordered,makingitsoundmorelikeaquestion.Idon'tknowwhy,butthat'salwayshowIordered.
"Surething,honey."Shegavemeawarmsmileandleft.
Ibreathedindeeplyandnestledintomycoatandthenpressedfartherbackintotheleatherseats.Ilookedaroundandnoticedonlyacouplemorepeoplewerehere.
Therewasagroupofteenagerstalkingandeatingintheboothacrosstherestaurant,amiddleagedmanreadinganddrinkingsomethingandacouplewhoseemedtobenotmucholderthanme.Mygazelingeredonthem.
Themanseemedtobeveryshyandhekeptmessingwiththeglassesperchedonhisnose.Nexttohimwasabeautifulwomanwhokeptglancingathimandsmilingtoherself.Sheleanedupandgavethemanatenderkissonthesideofhisneck.Assoonasherlipstouchedhim,thetensionlefthimandhesmileddownatherbeforekissinghersweetlyonherawaitinglips.Hethenliftedhisarmandshenestledintohischest.
Watchingthem,Isuddenlyfeltseepingwarmthspreadfrommyhearttomyfingertips.Thatwaslove,Iknowitwas.Ihadneverbeforewanteditorevenlingeredontheideaofit,butnowIfeltmyselfyearningforit.Iwonderedwhatthetouchofatenderkisswouldfeellike.Iwonderedwhatthewarmthofstrongarmsaroundyoufeltlike.Iwonderedwhatlovefeltlike.
"Hereyougo,sweetie.Achickensandwichwithacoke.Enjoy."Thewaitresssaid,puttingtheplateandglassinfrontofme.Iquicklyreadhernametag.
"Thankyou,Debbie."Istatedquietly.Shesmiledagainbeforeturningandleaving.
Iateslowlyandstoleglanceseverynowandthenatthecouple.Thattugginginmychestdidn'tstopandIfeltitstrengthenwitheveryglanceatthem.Suddenly,Iheardtheringingofacellphoneandthepeacefuleuphoriagoingthroughthecoupleshattered.Thewomanhastilypulledhercellphoneoutandfrownedatit.Sheshotthemananapologeticlookbeforestandinguptogotakethecallsomewhereelse.Thelookintheman'seyesshockedme.
Heknewshewascomingback,butitlookedlikeitpainedhimtohaveherawayforevenawhile.WhatshockedmewasthatIhadseenthatlookbefore.IknowIhave,butwhere?Theanswerhitmelikeatonofbricks.
Edward.IsuddenlyhadaflashbacktothefirstdayIleftthebandtogohome.WhenEdwardandJasperranuptous,Iimmediatelythoughttheywantedtosortoutsome
business,butinsteadhedidn'treallytalkaboutbusinessatall,andheseemed...nervous.Buttherealizationthatshockedmewasthatwhenwewereleaving,thatlookhadflashedinhiseyes.Thatsamelookthatthemanjusthad.
Thethoughmademystomachconstrictinastrangegiddiness.Thenanotherrealizationhitme.IlikeEdward.IlikeEdward.
Alongwithmysuddenrealization,awaveofextremehappinessovertookme.Ifoundit.IfoundwhatI'dbeenconstantlysearchingforaftertheaccident.Normalcy.Sure,IfeelnormalaroundaselectfewofpeoplebutIknewthatfeelingwasonlyaccomplishedbecausetrustissomethingIknewbeforemylifescrewedup.ItwasafeelingthatIknewhowtodevelop.Romanticaffection,however,issomethingI'veneverfeltbefore,butIknowwhatitisbecauseofthedescriptionsI'veheardaboutit.RomanticfeelingsaresomethingIthoughtIwasn'tcapableof,yethereIam.Despitethisbrokenpastofmine,Ireachedamomentofnormalcy.
Thisisamazing!Ican'tbelievethatthefreakI'veconstantlythoughtmyselfas,doesn'tactuallyrulemylife.Thisisgreat!IwantedtoyellittotherooftopsthatIlikeEdwardMason.
Wait!WhatamIthinking?!?!
Sure,thefeelingofaromantictieandnormalcyisexhilarating,butoutofalltheguysintheworld,whydidIhavetofallforEdwardMason?!Hecanhaveanygirlhewantsandeventhebestouttheredon'tdeserveenoughforhisheart.There'snowayhecouldeverfeelformewhatIfeelforhim.I'msurethatlookIthoughthegavemewasjustmyimagination.
Anewemotionbegantocoldlytrickleandspreadwithinme.I'veheardandseenthisemotionportrayedsomanytimesthatIimmediatelyknewwhatitwas.Heartbreak.I'manidiot.Ithoughtsadly.
Justthen,thewomancamebacktothemanwiththeglassesandquicklysaidsomething.Hereyeswerewildwithexcitementandassoonasshefinishedspeaking,themanjumpedupinhappiness,grabbingherandtwirlingherlovingly.Theyquicklythrewmorethanenoughmoneytocovertheirmeal,onthetable,andrushedoutthedoor.
Withouthavingsomethingtodistractme,thecoldparanoiareturned,causingmetopayformymealandwalkoutofthedinerintothefreshnightair.Nothavingfeltthecalmingbreezeofasilentnightinalongtime,Idecidedtowalkaroundthetownsquareinsteadofreturningtomytruck.
FlashesandyellingcaughtmyattentionbutwhenIlookeduptoseewhatwasgoingon,theloudmobofflashesdisappearedaroundthecornerofabuilding.Weird.Imused.Ilookeddownatmyfeetforatotalofsixsecondswhilewalkingbeforesuddenlybumpingintosomeone.Ilookedup,startled,andmettheangrybrowneyesofamanwithacameraaroundhisneck.BeforeIcouldmumbleanapology,theman'seyeswentwideandflashedwithrecognition.
"IsabellaSwan!"Heyelled.Confused,shocked,andscaredthatheknewmyname;Iwasunabletoregisterthefactthatmorepeoplewithcamerasweresurroundingme.
"Isabella,canyoutellusanythingaboutAsphyxiated'snewalbum?"Oneofthemyelled.
Oh,sothebandiswhatthey'reafter.Whatabunchofleeches.
"Isabella,istruethatyouareinaromanticrelationshipwitheitherEdwardMasonorJasperWhitlock?"Anotheryelled.
Howdotheycomeupwiththisstuff?
Questionswerebeingthrownaroundatmeandtheheavyvoidinmychestfilledwitharushoficyparanoia.Ididn'tknowanyofthesepeople.Whoknewwhattheywerecapableof?
Verythankfulfortheconstantshotofadrenalinethatwasalwayspresent;Ishovedmywayoutofthecrowdandraninthefirstemptydirection.Ishouldhaveknownthatrunningwouldnotshakeoffthepaparazzithough.Theysimplyranbehindme.
AfearthatIhadn'tfeltinfourteenyearsranthroughme,andmymindwassendingmeflashesthatwerepushingmefaster.Ididn'twanttolookback.IwasafraidthatifIlookedback,Iwouldnotseeafrenziedcrowd,butinsteadIwouldseehim.Theimageofhimchasingmesentanotherrushoffearthroughme.
AsIturnedacorner,Iwassuddenlygrabbedbyastronghandandwaspulledintoadarkalley.Iwasthrownagainstthewallandahandclampedovermymouth.AssoonasIfelttheunknownperson'sbodypressmeagainstthewall,Iwasnolongerbeingchasedbythepaparazzi,butIbegantoreliveanunwantedmemoryoflongago.
IletoutamuffledscreamthatIknewnoonecouldhear.
Edward'sPOV:
"That'scool."Isaidmonotonously.
IamgoingtokillCarlisle.Ithoughtmurderously.
Hethoughtit'dbeagreatideatoinviteoneofthenursesthatworkedatthehospitalwithhimsothatwecouldmeet.ThisgirlcouldgiveTanyaDenaliarunforhermoney.
Don'tgetmewrong,I'mprobablybeingtoohardonmodelTanyaandNurseCasey.Theyreallydoactuallyhavebrainsanddon'tsay'like'everyotherword,butIhavenointerestinthemsoImakethemseemalittlehorrible.
MyuncleCarlislehadnothingtodowiththerumorsofTanyaandIhavingarelationshipbutIwasstillplanningtohurthimfortryingtointerferewithmylovelifebyinvitingCasey.
You'dthinkit'dbemyauntEsmewhowouldtryandsetmeup,butit'sactuallymuuncle.Esmeexpressedthatshe'dliketoseemewithsomeonebutsherespectedmydecisions.Carlislehadhispersonalreasonsastowhyhewantedmetobewithsomeone.
Hewasmymom'sbrother,andmyparent's...deathaffectedhimjustasmuchasitaffectedme.HethoughtitwashisdutytotakecareofmeaswellasmakesurethatIwashappy.HewantedsobadlytoretainthatfamilyhappinessthatheandIusedtohave,andhethoughtthatlovewoulddothetrick.Therefore,he'salwaystryingtogetmewithsomeone.
Caseywasstilltalkingaboutwhoknowswhat,andIwaspromptlyignoringher.Iknowshe'sasmartgirlbutI'mthinkingshebelievessheneedstodumbherselfdowntoappealtome.Howwrongsheis.
IlookedaroundtoseeAlicestandinginthedoorwayofthehotel'sdiningroomandIexcusedmyselffromCaseyandrushedtogomeether.
"Where'sBella?"IaskedassoonasIreachedher.
"Wellhellotoyoutoo,Edward.I'mabsolutelyfine,thanks.Noneedtoconcernyourselfaboutmywellbeing."Shemockedasshetookoffherjacket.
AlicemadeitblatantlyclearthatsheknewaboutmycrushonBella,andsheabsolutelylovedtoteasemeaboutit.
"I'llleavetheconcerntoyourboyfriend,whoisoveratthebar,bytheway.Anyways,
answerthequestion.Whereisshe?"Itoldher,smilingcrookedlyasshelaughedatmyalmostdesperateantics.
"Sorrytosaythis,butshestayedhome.Shehadworktodoanddecidedtotakearaincheck."Shetoldme,givingmeasadshrugoftheshouldersbeforegoingofftofindJasper.
MysmilefellandIsighedatthethoughtofnotseeingBellatonight.TodaywasFridayandIhadn'tseenhersinceMonday,whichhadmademeanxiousfortonightallweek.
IguessI'lljusthavetowaitfortomorrowtoseeherwhenwegotothestudio.
Withouttellinganyone,Ileftthepartyandusedtheelevatortogetuptotheband'sapartmentfloorthatweowned.Insteadofgoingintomyroom,IheadedintoEmmett'sandsatonhisbed.Hisroomwasalotmorefunandexcitingthanmineanditlessenedthesadnessinme.
IwasreallyhopingtoseeBellatonight.I'vetextedherafewtimes,butnothingcouldmatchthefeelingofbeingnexttoher.Thiswaswaybiggerthanacrush.Thiswasobsession.Ineededher.Shewaslikeadrugaddiction,likemypersonalbrandofheroin.
Istilllaywideawakeatnight,conflictedatthethoughtofhowstronglyIwaspulledtoherdespitehowlittleIknewabouther.Whoknowsthough?Itcouldbesomekindoffreakykindredspiritattractionkindofthing.Maybeitwastimetostartbelievinginthingslikefateanddestiny.
Thatsoundsincrediblycorny,huh?
AnannoyingringingbroughtmeoutofmythoughtsandIansweredmyphonewithoutevencheckingwhoitwas.
"Hello?"
"Hey,where'dyougo?"Emmettasked.
"Icamebackuptoourfloor.Itwasboringdownthere."Isaid.Noreasontotellhimthetruth.
"Sure."Hesaid,drawingouttheword."Andyourlittledeparturehasnothingtodowithacertainbrunettenotshowingup?"Heteased.
IwasabouttorespondwhenIheardthephonebeingsnatchedawayfromhim.
"Acertainbrunette?Youlikesomeone?You'renotgay?"Rosalieasked,almostincredulous.
Ididn'tknowwhethertolaughoryell.That'sRosalieforyou.She'srudeandmean,butit'snotlikeshemeanstobe.She'sjustveryblunt,andgetsstraighttothepoint.She'skindoflikethatclichéfriendyouhaveinhighschoolwhoisn'texactlymean,butbecausethey'resointimidating,theycomeoffthatway.IrememberwhenEmmettfirstmether;hewasbothinfatuatedandscaredofher.Thewholeexchangewasactuallyprettyfunny.
"Rosalie,I'mnotgay.Yes,Ilikesomeone,andno,youcannotinterfereortellCarlisle."Itoldherfirmly.
"Comeon!Thissomethingthatshouldberecordedinhistorybooksandyou'retellingmethatyou'renotgoingtoletmehelpyouout!Thatiscruel,Edward.Tellmesomethingabouther!Ibetshe'samazingifshecaughtyourattention.She'sprobablyreallysmartandlovesmusic,huh?Howoldisshe?Issheacollegestudent?Howdidyoumeether?What'shername?Tellmesomething,Edward!"
Beforeshecouldcontinueherendlessrambling,Ihunguponher.I'dprobablyreceivehellforthatlater.WhoknewthatmylikingsomeonecouldprovokesuchaweirdreactionoutofRosalie?ShealmostremindedmeofAlicethere,forawholesecond.
Beingtheonlyoneonthefloor,Iwanderedaroundaimlessly,tryingtofindsomethingtooccupymymind.AfteranhourofsnoopingaroundEmmettandJasper'srooms,andanhourofplayingvideogames,Idecidedit'dbebesttogooutforadrive.
AssoonasIslidintomyVolvo,IrealizedIhadnocluewheretogo.MaybeIshoulddrivetotheUniversityandseeifIcanfindacertainsomeone.Ithought.Noway,I'dseemlikeastalker.
Withoutknowingmydestinationspot,Idroveoutofthebuilding'sgarageandturnedleft.Ifailedtonoticethatthegroupofphotographersandreporterswaitingoutsidethebuilding,tryingtocatchaglimpseoftheprivateparty,hadnoticedme.Fiveminuteslater,whenIparkedinthecitysquare,Ifinallynoticedthecrowdthathadfollowedme.
Notagain.Ithought.I'vehadmyfairshareofencounterswiththepaparazzi,andtrustme,Idon'tenjoyit.Iquicklyduckedaroundthecornerofabuilding,butthey
hadalreadyseenmeandwerefollowingme.Iranintoadarkalleyandwaited,hidingbehindlargegarbagecans.Secondslater,Iheardthemobrunningby;tryingtofindoutwhereIhadwent.
Iwaitedacouplemoreminutes,tomakesurethatIwasintheclear,whenIheardayell.
"IsabellaSwan!"
Ifroze.WhatwastherebusinesswithBella?IshuffledovertothemouthofthealleywayandpeekedouttoseeBellafrozen;lookingscaredtodeath,beforedodgingthecrowdandrunning.
Damnit!Iyelledinmyhead.TheyhadnoreasontoharassBella.Seeingthatshewasrunninginmydirection,Igotreadytograbherassoonassheturnedthecorner,sothathopefully,Icouldgetherawayfromthepaparazzi,orifwewerebothfound,Icouldatleastshieldherfromthequestions.
Sheturnedthecorner,andIquicklyshotout,andgrabbedherwaist,beforepullinghertomeinthealley.Thankfulthatshehadgottenagoodheadstart,Iwasabletopullherdeeperintothedarknessbeforethecrowdroundedthecorner.Bellabeganpanickinginmyarms,soIputmyhandoverhermouthandpressedherintothewallsoshewouldn'tblowourlocation.
Iwasn'treadyforherreaction.
ShestartedkickingandwrithinginmygripandIfeltarushofhotaironmypalmassheletoutascream,muffledbymyhand.
"Bella,it'sjustme!"Iwhisperedurgently,tryingtocalmherdown.Atthemouthofthealleyway,Icouldhearthepaparazzirunningpast.
Bellacontinuedtokick,andjerk,tryingdesperatelytogetoutofmyhold.AssoonasIheardthatthecrowdhadleft,Ilethergo.Shepushedmeawayroughly,andtheforcepushedmebacktotheoppositewallandIhitmyheadhard.
"Bella!"Ialmostshouted.Theshockcausedmetolookupather,andIfinallynoticedhowterrifiedshelooked.
MyheartfrozeasIsawthewildlookinhereyes,asifhermindwasn'treallyhereatall.Assoonassheheardmyvoice,hereyessnappedupandmetmine.Slowly,theydimmeddowntothenormalbrowneyesIwasusedtoseeing,andherbreathingslowed.
"I'msorry."Isaidimmediately,knowingIhaddonesomethingtomakeherreactandfreakout.Assoonasthewordsleftmymouth,sadnessovertookhereyes,andshelookeddefeated.
"Edward?Whatareyoudoinghere?"Sheasked,hervoicesoundingrawfromherearliersilentscreams.
"Youweren'tattheparty...IfiguredI'd....comeseeyou."Isaidhesitantly.Myhandswereupinfrontofmychest,palmsfacingher.
Shewasn'tfrightenedanymore,buttheintensesadnessswimminginherdoe-likeeyesmadeherseemsovulnerable.Sohaunted.Sobroken.
"Ididn'tmeantoscareyouoranything."Isaid.Imightaswellhavebeentalkingtoastatue.Shedidnothingbutstareblankly."Isawyourunning.IjustthoughtI'dhelpyougetawayfromtheleeches.
AssoonasIfinishedspeaking,hereyesbecameguardedagain,givingmenohinttowhatshewasfeeling.
"Ohyeah."Shelaughedlightly."Thanks."Shefinished,smilingatme.
Whatthehell?
"Ishouldprobablygetgoing.Thanksforthehelp."Shesaid,withafullblownsmilethatmadehernaturalbeautystandout,makingitseemlikeshehadnotjusthadaweirdpanicattack.
MyhearttightenedthencrumbledasIprocessedthisinformation.AsIfiguredoutwhatwasgoingon,myheartbroke.Itwasn'tthefactthatshecouldn'ttrustmewiththetruth.Itwasthefactthatshewentfrombeingcompletelypetrifiedtosmilinglikeshewasontopoftheworld.Itwasthefactthatthechangehadbeendonesoeasilywithsuchbelievableoutcomes,thatitwasobviousshe'dhadalotofpractice.Itwasthefactthatherentirelife,she'dbeenhiding,isolatingheremotionsandneverlettinganyonein.AnditwasthefactthatifIhadn'tbeentheretowitnessthesuddenchange,evenIwouldhavebelievedher.
Shewasgoodathiding,andnowshewashidingfromme.
"Wait!Bella,areyousureyou'realright?!"Icalledafterher,sprintingtocatchupassheclimbedintohertruck.
"Yeah,I'mfine."Shesaid,smilingsweetly.
Istaredather,tryingdesperatelytofindsomehintthatshewasnotfine.Therewasnothing.Noworrylinesonherface,nodiminhereyes,nowaverinhervoice.Nothing.AllIwantedtodowasyellout,"You'renotfine!",butIknewmyfrustrationwouldscareher.
"Bella,pleasetellmewhat's-"
"Igottogo.I'lltalktoyoutomorrow."Shetoldmequickly.
Istoodinthemiddleofthesidewalk,shocked,andwatchedherdriveaway.
IwantedsobadlyforBellatotellmeeverything.Iwantedhertodropallherguardsandjustletmein.Iwantedhertostophiding.Butshewouldn't.EvenIknewthat.
She'sgottensogoodatpretendingshe'sfine,thatnothing'swrongwithher,thatshewantsnothingmoreinlife;butIcantellthatdeepinsideshe'sdyingtoletitallout.She'sdyingtoscreamandgetmad.She'sdyingtodefeatthatfeelingofbeingbrokenanddifferent.
Buthidingherfrustrationisonlygoingtobreakhermore.Becausenoonecanhearasilentscream.
Youcanseethatthisbrokensoulisbleeding
Soyoucanseeyourfeelingsinsideyourself
Andwanderthroughmyself
Lettingyouseethroughme
Nowonlyconsumesme
Forgetyourpain,watchmefallapart
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
IamSOsorryI'vebeengoneforsolong!Ihadsummerassignmentstodo,andnowthatthecrazinessofschoolstartingisgone,I'llbeabletoupdateregularlylikebefore.
Quickrecapifyou'reconfused:BellafreakedoutwhenEdwardgrabbedher,andimmediatelythoughtbacktothetraumathathappenedtoherwhenshewassixyearsold(whichwillberevealedeventually).BecauseshefeelsalittleunworthytoEdward,thefactthatshefreakedoutwhenhegrabbedher,
saddensherevenmorethatshecan'tbenormal.Shequicklypretendsthateverythingisallright,whichfrustratesEdward,becausehedoesn'twanthertohidefromhim.
SongisPagesby:3DoorsDown.TookmeforevertofindasongtofitthechapterandjustwhenIwasabouttosettleforsomethingkindafitting,boom,theperfectsong!Lol
~vampire-legend
FindMe
Disclaimer:IownnothingTwilightrelated.
Edward'sPOV:
Icouldn'tsleep.EverytimeIclosedmyeyes,allIsawwasBella'semotionlessfacethatshehadpurposelyworetohideherselffromme.Ineededtodosomething.AnythingtogetridofthattightthrobbinginmychestthatalwayscamewheneverIthoughtabouther.
IknewIcouldn'tforgetaboutherthough.Shewastooamazinginmyeyesformetoforgetabouther,evenforasecond.IneverknewhowmuchIcouldneedsomeoneuntilshecameintomylife.I'velivedmywholelifescoffingattheideaofromance,andlove,wheneveritwasbroughtuptome.Ididn'tthinksomethinglikethatwasmeantforme,andIwaspositiveIcouldneverfeellikethat.ButIcould.Withouthernexttome,Ijustdidn'tfeelwhole.
Sighing,Igotoutofbed,andwenttooursmallstudio,andbegantowriteasong.
Bella'sPOV:
I'manidiot.Acompleteandtotalidiot.HowcouldIthinkforevenonesecondthatIcouldbe"normal"andrestoremyoldwayoflife?IwasfineforacoupleminutesandthenIjusthadtogoandhavesomerandomfreakattackonEdward.
Iwasscared.
Imean,sure,IwasscaredwhenEdwardhadgrabbedmeoutofnowhere,hencethepanicattack,butthatwasn'twhatscaredmethemost.Forthefirsttimeever,Ifeltexposed.I'vealwaysbeenabletocountonmyabilitytosmileandmakebelievethatIwasfine.ThatIwasn'tjusttheweirdkidwithabrokenpasttopity.I'vealwayshadthesecurityofknowingthatnoonecouldtellwhatIwasreallythinking.Icouldalwayscountonbeingabletohidefromtheworld.
NowIcan't.Edwardknows.Icouldtellthathehadfiguredmeout.Iwassoscaredofhimaskingmequestions,thatIhadlaiditonthick.Thesmiling,laughing,andtalkingcasually.IwassopanickedthathewouldbecomesuspiciousofmethatImadethemistakeofputtingonmyfacadesofast,thatanyonecouldtellthatsomethingwaswrong.Andnow,EdwardcouldtellthateverytimeIsaidIwasfine,Iwaslying.
Toputitlightly,itscaredtheshitoutofme.
Now,I'mdrivingwithAlicetogomeetthebandatthestudiotocontinuerecording.Todaywouldbethelastdayofrecordingbeforewewentintotheeditingstagesoftheiralbum.Alicewasnexttome,chattinghappilyaboutJasper,asalways.Shemaybeamazing,andmybestfriend,butevenshecouldn'ttellthatsomethingwaswrongwithme.JustlikeCharlieandReneecouldn'ttellthattheincidentthathappenedwhenIwassixaffectedmylifesomuchnow,thatIdidn'tknowwhatitfeltliketoliveaseasilyasotherpeople.Icountedonsuffocatingthatsideofmesomuch,thatsometimes,evenIbelievedthelie.
Letmetellyouthough,it'sprettyawkwardandscarytobeonyourwaytomeetupwiththeonlypersonwhocantellwhenyou'relying.Saidpersonalsohappenstobetheonlyguyyou'reabletohaveacrushon.
Man,Iliveaprettymesseduplife.Theyshouldmakemoviesoutofit.
"Youhaveyourstuff?"IaskedAliceasIsteppedoutofhercar.
"Yup"Shesaidhappily,swingingabagoverhershoulderwhichheldhersketchbook,soshecouldgetsomeworkdone.
AssoonasIwalkedintothestudio,myeyesflewtoEdward,whowasstandinginthecorner,staringatme.Ismiled.Hedidn'treact.MysmilefellquicklyandImovedtogreeteveryoneelse.EdwardcontinuedtostareatmeasifIwassomekindofemotionaltimeandhewasjustwaitingformetoexplode.Itwasstrange.IwashavingsomekindofintenselockdownwithEdwardwhileeveryoneelsenoticednothing,onlyseeingwhattheyexpectedtosee.
"So,what'stheplan?"Iasked.
"WegotonesongthatEdwardbelieveswejustabsolutelyhavetohaveonthenewalbum,sowe'llrecordthat,andthenwecantalkaboutediting.I'mnotgoingtolie,thesongisawesome,butEdwardwokeusuptoodamnearlyjustsowecouldhaveitfinishedbeforewecamehere."Emmettsaid,rollinghiseyesatEdwardwhosmiledabitinresponse,thoughhiseyesonlyflickeredoffmeforamoment.
"Perfect."Bensaid,sittingdownnexttoAngelaatthemusicconsole.Itookmyspotnexttothemandthebandsetupinthestudio.
Theguitarsbeganinaslowandsteadyrhythm,beforeEdwardbeganinalow,smoothvoice.
Somanynightstryingtohideit,
ButnowIstayawakejustpleadingmore.
Tothinkthisheartwasdivided,
I'mlosingsleep,becauseIcan'tignore,
Feelingyourtouchallaround.
Peacefullyhearingthesound
Ofsilencearoundus.
I'msogladwefoundusthisway.
Yeah.
Hiseyesdidn'tleaveme,andIbecameawareofthatelectricityflowingthroughmeagain.Alightofhopewasignitinginme,spreadingthroughmyveinslikewildfire,burningdownmyinsecuritiesandfearsuntilIonlyfeltthatconnectionbetweenus.Itseemedlikehewassingingtome,andassillyasitwas,forawholesecond,IrecitedwordsinmyheadthatIwishwerehisthoughts.IwishedthathereciprocatedatleastalittlebitofthefeelingsIfeltforhim.
Findme,
Hereinyourarms,
NowI'mwonderingwhereyou'vealwaysbeen.
Andblindly,
Icametoyou,knowingyou'dbreathenewlifefromwithin.
AsmuchasIwished,Iknewthatitwasn'tmethathewrotethissongfor.Thattinylittlefactkilledme.Hewassingingthistosomeonewhowasasamazingashewas,anddeservedeverybitofhim.Hewasdedicatingthissongtosomeonewhocouldlovehimfullywithoutworryingiftheyweregoingtoflipoutonhim.Hewaswritinghisheartouttosomeonewhowouldn'thidefromhim.Someonewhowasn'tme.
Ican'tgetenoughofyou.Oh.
Iwanttobewhereyouare.
Intimesofneed,Ijustwantyoutostay.
Ileaveanoteonyourcar,
WhenIcan'tfindtherightwordstosay.
Hearingyou'revoicearound.
Thelastplacewe'regoingisdown.
I'llgladlyfollow,
Knowingyou'releadingtheway.
Animagebegantoforminmyhead.Edward,runningintothearmsofabeautifullady,beforehespunheraroundandkissedher.Ifeltsick.Icouldn'tbreathe,yetIcontinuedtheimagethroughoutthesong.Hewouldlayinbedwithher,singingherasongthathejustwroteforher.Hewouldfallasleepwithher,cradlingherinhisarms,humminginherear.Then,eventually,thedaywouldcomewhentheywouldsettledown,getmarried,andhavekids.Theywouldbehappy,andhewouldforgetheevermetme.
"Areyoualright"Someoneasked.IopenedmyeyestomeetEdward'swhoIrealizedwastheonewhoaskedmethequestion.
Icouldn'ttakeit.Everythingjustfeltlikeitwascrashingdownonme.Icouldn'tbeartothinkofEdwardwithsomeonewhowasnotme.Icouldn'tbearlosingthatfeelingofnormalcyhegaveme.Butmostofall,Icouldn'tbearlosinghim.ButIwaspushinghimaway.IwouldlosehimifIcontinuedhidingfromhim,butwhatotherchoicedidIhave?
"I'mfine.Ijustfeelalittlequeasy;I'mgoingtostepoutforsomeair."Isaid,managingtocoverupmyanxiety.Everyone'sconcernflewelsewhere,butEdward'sdidn't
Iboltedoutthedooranddidn'tstopuntilIfeltthecoldairhitmyface.Igotthesuddenurgetoscream.Iwonderhowgooditwouldfeeltoscreamandletoutallmyfrustrationtotheworld.
Ilookedupandsawalittlegirlwalkingwithhermom,smilingandobviouslyhavingagreattimeinthehappylittleworldshelivedin.Ienviedthatlittlegirl.Hernaïve-nessatthecruelworldwassomethingIwishIhad.IwishIdidn'thavetobehyperawareofeveryonearoundme,allthetime.IwishIhadsomeonetoprotectmefromthe
world;tocomeandplayheroforme.IwishIcouldhavethatchildhoodinnocenceshehasthatseemedtoberobbedfromme.
"Bella?"
Ifroze.OfcourseEdwardwouldfollowme.Hewasjustthatkindofguy.
"Areyouokay?"Heasked.Hisvoicewasslowanddeliberate,makingitclearthathewouldknowifIwaslying.Iturnedandmethisblazinggreeneyes.
Ikindofsnapped.
"Whatdoyouwantmetosay,Edward?!Iknowthatyouknowaboutme!Quitwaitingaroundformetoblowup!QuitaskingmeifI'mokay!YoualreadyknowthatIamnotokay!"
Ishouldn'thaveyelledathim,butitfeltsoliberating.MyfrustrationandangerleftmeandIfeltamazing.UntilIrealizedIwaspickingonthewrongman.
"I'msorry."Isaidimmediately.IlookedawayandpreparedmyselftowalkbackintothestudioandpretendIdidn'tjusthaveanemotionalblowup.
"Don't."Iheardhimwhisper.
ThenextthingIknew,hishandslowlyencircledmywrist,astonotscareme.Thatpleasurableelectricityflewthroughmeandthetinglingwarmthovertookme.Slowly,Edwardpulledmebackandturnedtomoveinfrontofme,blockingmyexitsbutnotmakingmefeeltrappedatall.
"Please,don'tdothat."Hewhispered."Youdon'talwayshavetohideorpretend.Idon'twantyoutolietome."
Hisvoicesoundedsweeterandsootherthanever.ThesoundofitmademystomachtighteninawayI'dneverfeltbefore.
"Edward."Hisnamefellfrommylipsandtheelectricityheightened,creatinganinvisiblewallaroundus,trickingmeintobelievingthatweweretheonlytwopeopleintheworld.
"Justtalktome,Bella.Iknowthatsomethingbadhashappenedtoyou,butyoucan'talwayscloseyourselfoff."Thegentlewayhesaidmyname,asifthesoundofitwasthesweetestthingevertohim,absolutelymeltedme.
"WhatelsecanIdo?"Avoicethatsoundedalotlikemine,said.
Icouldn'thelpwhatIwassaying.I'dneverfeltsuchwarmthbefore.I'dneverfeltthattinglingpleasurethatwasrockingandstreamingthroughmybodybefore,andIwasdefenseless.
"Idon'twanttobethegirlthatpeoplepityandfeelsorryfor.Idon'twanttobesomecharitycase."Ibegan."Especiallytoyou."
Thereitwas.Thelittlehintthattoldhimhemeantmoretome,thananyoneelse.Iwasscaredtodeathwhathewouldmakeofit.Ilookedup,readytofacerejection.Instead,Iwasmetwithsparklinggreeneyes,sointensethattheyseemedtolookrightintomysoul,pickingapartmydefensesuntilheonlyknewthetruth.
"You'renotsomepitypartytome,Bella.Idon'tknowwhathappenedthatwouldmakeyouthinkso,butIcanguaranteeyou,thattome,you'renotacharitycase.You'resomuchmore."
Edward'sPOV:
Itwasapull.Apullsostrongthatithurtme,physically,toignoreit.
SoIgavein.
HerwholebodytensedasIleanedforwardandbrushedmylipstohers.Whenshedidn'trespond,Ipulledbackandopenedmyeyestogougeherresponse.Hereyesweresparklingandfulloflife.
"Canyoutrythatagain?"Sheaskedhervoicebarelyaboveawhisper.
Shocked,butwilling,Ileanedforwardagainandtouchedherlipswithmine.Twosecondslater,herlipstentativelymovedandpulledbackslowly,beforesensuouslyreturning.Seeingthatshewasn'tobjectingorpullingaway,Ibegantomovemineagainsthersaswell.
Ineverexpectedakisstofeelsogood.Ineverfeltdesireorwantforsomeone,butsuddenly,ImetBellaandthosefeelingswereroused,envelopingmeandfillingmetothebrim.
Herlipsweresowarm,andsoft,movingsoslowlyandtortuously,yetIcouldn'tgetenough.Ikeptmyhandsincheck,makingsurethatIdidn'tgiveintotheurgetoplacethemonherwaist.Ididn'twanttoscareher.
AsIslowlydrewmylipsfromhers,Ibecameawareofourshallow,quickgasps,and
Iimmediatelydrewinadeepbreath.ThenIchuckledabit,whichmadeBellalookatme.
"You'verenderedmebreathless."Iexplained,laughingatmycorniness.AlaughspilledfromBellaaswellandhereyessparkledwithhappiness.Ifeltasurgeofpriderunthroughme.Imadeherfeellikethat.
"So,"Istarted."Doesthismeanyoulikemetoo?"
Iknewitwasasillyandlamequestion,butIcouldn'thelpmyself.Ijustfeltsohappy.Bellalaughedalong,andshetookatinystepbacksoshecouldcatchherbreath.
"Yes,Ilikeyoutoo."Sheanswered.
Weweredeadquietforthreesecondsbeforeweburstoutlaughing."Ohmygosh,thatsoundssolame."Sheexclaimed,andwelaughedtogether,forgettingthesituationandonlyhavingfun.Whenwecontrolledoursnickers,sheglancedupatmefromunderhereyelashesandIslowlyleanedinagain.Thistime,shemetmehalfway.
Mylipspressedharderagainsthers,andslowly,Ifeltthetinglingelectricityfromherfingertipsdragupmyarms.Iliterallyfeltmumusclestwitchandreacttohertouchasshecaressedthem.Ihadtobusymylipsonherstoholdbackamoan.
Asherhandslockedaroundmyneckandourkissslowed,Imadeasnapdecision.
"Willyougoonadatewithmetomorrowafternoon?"Iwhispered.Iopenedmyeyestomeasureherreactionandwasmetwithshock.Hen,asmilereturnedtoherface.
Bella'sPOV:
"Depends.Wherewouldarockstartakeagirllikeme?"
Myfacewasstartingtohurtfromsmilingsomuch.WhenEdwardfirstkissedme,Itensedfromshockandapprehension.Shock,becauseEdwardMasonwasfreakingkissingme.Mr.Bigshotrockstarwaskissingme.Thencametheapprehension.Iwasexpectingafreakoutsession.ImaginemysurprisewhenallIfeltwaspure,warmingpleasure.Itwassingle-handedlythebestexperienceinmylife.Thereshouldhavebeenfireworksgoingoffandpeoplecheeringmadlyaroundus.Itwasthatamazing.
"Idon'tknow.Dependsifyou'rereadyforthepublic."Edwardanswered,lookingalittlewary.
That'swhenitfinallyhitme.Ohmygosh,Ijustmadeoutwithafamousrockstar!Oh,mymotherwouldbeproud.
"I'drathernotdealwiththatyet."Itoldhim.Knewitwasinevitable.Eventually,sometabloidwouldcatchwindthatAliceandIweren'tbeingcompletelyprofessionalwiththeband.Icouldimaginethestoriesthey'dmakeupnow.Strangelythough,Edwardseemedcompletelyworthit.
"Wellthen,wecouldalwaysjustorderapizza,hangouthere,andlightsomecandles."Hejoked.Aftersomelaughs,hefinishedseriously."I'llfiguresomethingabout."
"Bella?Edward?"Ben'svoicecalled.Westeppedawayfromeachotherbeforeheopenedthedoor.
"Hey,thereyouguysare.Bella,we'regettingreadytogooversomeacoustics.Caretojoinus?"
"Coming"Ianswered.IturnedtofollowBeninside,butEdwardwrappedhishandaroundmywristagain."Wegotalittledistractedearlier,butIreallyamwonderingifyou'realright.Iknowthat...somethingoncehappenedtoyoutomakeyouuncomfortablearoundpeople,butIreallydowantyoutotrustmeenoughtoletmecomfortyouwhenyouneedit.Youdon'thavetotellmeanything,ifyoudon'twantto."
Myheartclenchedathiswords.Hewasofferingmesomethingnooneeverhad.Hewasn'ttryingtosendmetotherapyorgetmetospillmyguts.Hewasjustofferingmecomfort.
"Edward,rightnow,IfeelbetterthanI'veeverhave.Itrustyouenoughtobecomfortablewithyou.Youhavenoideahowincrediblethatis.Nowasfarasreceivingcomfortfromyou..."Itrailedoffandsteppedforwardandkissedhimlightly."Thisismorethanenough."
HiseyesflutteredopenfromwhentheyhadclosedwhenIkissedhim,andhestaredatmeintently.Hethensmiled,almostsmugly,asifhewasproudofhimself.
"Okay."Withthatsaidheputhishandsonmyshouldersandledmeinside.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Isitjustme,orsoyouseemmore....glowythenusual?"Aliceaskedaswedrovehome.Ialmostlaughedoutloud.Icouldonlyimaginethatmyfacehadanidiotic
smileplasteredonthatdidnotseemtogoaway.
"It'sSaturday.I'mreadytokickbackandrelax."Iliedsmoothly.Shefellforit,agreeing,andbegantotalkaboutahotbathshewascraving.
IfsheonlyknewtherealreasonwhyIwassohappy,I'msureshe'dtearmelimbfromlimbfordetails.
MyphonebuzzedandIpulleditoutofmypockettoread.
Howaboutdinner?
Yourplaceormine?
-Edward
Ibitmyliptoholdinmylaughter.Ididn'tevenreallyknowwhyIwaslaughing,butIwas.
Yours.I'dratherAlicenotbepresent.=)
-Bella
"Whoareyoutalkingto?"Aliceasked.
"Angela,we'resettingupascheduletodotheediting."Ilied.
"Okay.Anyway,doyouwanttogorentamoviesowecanjustchillouttoday?"Sheasked.Myphonebuzzedagain.
"Uhm,"IstartedasIreadthetext,prolongingmyanswer.
Okay.SixPMgood?
-Edward
"Yeah.Justtoletyouknowthough,I'mmeetingAngelaatsixtomorrow."Iliedagain.IlovedAlicetodeathbutIwasnotlookingforwardtotellingheraboutsomethingthatwasn'tdefinite,justtohavehermakeabigdealoutofit.
Perfect
-Bella
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
SongisFindMeby:BoyceAvenue.Thankyoujules96forrecommendingthatsong.Iknowyouwanteditforwhentheyfirstmet,butIthoughtit'dfitmuchbetterinthischapter.
Goodnessme,i'mtired!So,anyoneknowwhatthey'regoingtobeforHalloweenthisyear?lol
~vampire-legend
RemedyForLove
SomostofyouchoseoptionB,oftheauthor'snoteIleft,sohere'sthenextchapter
Disclaimer:IdonotownanythingTwilightrelated.
Bella'sPOV:
ItookadeepbreathbeforeIliftedmyhandandknockedonthedoor.Itopenedafullthreesecondslater,andIsuckedinastartledbreathasIstaredatthegorgeousrockstarinfrontofme.
I'vebeensousedtoseeinghimint-shirts,andjeansthatIdidn'texpectanythingdifferent.Hewaswearingagraycollaredbuttonupshirt,buthehadrolledthesleevesuptohiselbowsandtheshirtwasopentorevealthewhitev-neckunderneathit.Hisjeansweredarkerandstiffer,andclungtothemusclesofhislegsnicely.
Ismilednervouslyashestaredatmeforasecondthensmiledcrookedly."Iwasscaredyou'dditchoutonme."Heconfessed,hischeeksturningalittlepink.Ismiledautomaticallyinresponse.
"Comeonin."Hegestured,movingtothesidetoletmein.
"Ahhh!"IscreamedasIfeltthetinybodyjumpontopofme,joltingmeawake.Iquicklysatupandwhateverhadjumpedonmerolledoff.
Ihearda"Whoa!"Thentherewasalowthumpastheperson'sbodyfellonthefloor."Ouch."Avoicemuttered.
Iknewthatvoice.Oops.
"Ohmygosh,Alice!I'msosorry!"Ispokefrantically,scramblingtogetoutofmybed.
Sheliftedherpalearmandgavemeathumb'sup.
"I'llbefine.I'mjustwaitingformyheadtoquitspinning."Shegroaned.Iwinced.
"I'msosorry,youjustscaredmewhenyoujumpedonmelikethatand-"
"It'sfine."Sheinterrupted.Sheliftedherheadoffthefloortogivemeasheepishsmile."IknewthatIshouldn'thavejumpedonyou,Ijustreallyneededyoutohurry
andwakeup.Youhaveaclassintenminutesandyouforgottosetyouralarm."
"Ohcrap,yourright!"ThenextcoupleofminuteswasablurofAlicehelpingmegetreadysothatIcouldgettoclassontime.Imadeittoclassrightastheprofessorwastakingattendance,andhehadyettogettomyname.Thankyou,Alice!
BecauseIwasmoreinvolvedwithmusicalengineeringthantheotherstudents,andIhadexperience,Iwasaheadoftherestofthestudents,soIgotboredofteninthisclass.Everythingtheteachersaid,Icouldteachmyself.IwasinthemiddleoflosingmyselftoadaydreamstarringEdward,whenIfeltmyphonebuzzinmybackpocket.TheprofessorneverlookedmywaysoItookitout.
*NewTextMessageFromEdward*
Iautomaticallysmiledandmyheartflutteredabit.It'sbeentwoweekssincemydatewithEdwardinhisapartment.Themostwonderfultwoweeksofmylife.It'shardtobelievethatIonlymethimfourweeksago.EdwardmademefeelaliveinwaysthatIthoughtIwouldneverbeabletoexperience.
Whenhelookedmyway,hisshiningeyesseemedtoengulfmeintheirendlessdepthsandacongenialwarmthtingledmychest.Whenwewereclosetogether(whichwasoften)hewoulddelicatelyrunhisfingerslightlyovermine,beforeturningourhandstomeetpalmtopalm,andthenhewouldsweetlyintertwineourfingersandsmilecrookedlyatme.HiskisseswereaneuphoriathatIhadneverknown.Themaddeningheatthatradiatedfromhissmooth,softlipsdrovemewildeverytimetheytouchedmine.
ButwhatIcravethemostwhenI'mwithhim,istofeelhisarmsaroundme.Ilovethefeelingofhisstrongarmsaroundme.
Flashback:
"Thatwasdelicious,Edward.Didyouseriouslymakethatbyyourself?"IaskedasIfinishedeatingthemushroomravioli.
"No,Ilied.Ijustwantedtoimpressyoualittlebit."Hesaid,finishinguphimself.Hesmiledimpishlyatme,andIcouldn'thelpbutsmileback.
"Itdoesn'ttakemuchtoimpressme,Edward.Justputsomethingshinyinfrontofme."Ioffered,givinghimaguiltysmile.Hechuckledandleanedbackintohischair.
"WhydoyouthinkIsetthisupoutside?Whileyourbusybeingdistractedbytheshinymoon,Icanworkontryingtowooyouover."Hewinked,thengavemethe
smilethatmadeallofhisfansfallinlovewithhim.
Iblushedandlookeddown.Thesparklingintensityofhiseyesdidn'tintimidatemeandmakemefeelparanoidlikeeveryoneelsedoes,buttheydidmakethebutterfliesinmystomachflyaroundmorethantheyalreadywere.
"Youdon'tfindthistoocheesy,doyou?"Hesuddenlyasked.Ilookedupandmethisapprehensiveeyes,thatalmostseemedembarrassednow.
"Ithoughtitwouldbekindofromantic."Hecontinued."ButEmmettkeptmakingfunofmeand-"
"Edward,Ithinkit'samazing."Icutin,effectivelystoppinghisrambling.Relieffilledhiseyesandhelookeddownatthegroundsheepishly.
"Sorry.Idon'thavemuchexperienceinthedatingarea."Headmitted.
That'sgottabealie.
IgaveEdwardaskepticallookandhenoddedagain,lookingevenmoreembarrassed.
"I'veneverhadmuchexperiencewithgirls.Inmiddleschool,Iwastooawkwardandgeekyforanyonetolikeme.Theninhighschool,Isimplyhadnointerestinthem.YouhavenoideahowmanytimesEmmettsuggestedImightbegay.Itannoyedthehelloutofme."Headmitted.
"Really?"Iasked,surprised.Hecouldhaveanygirlhewanted,andyet,hedidn'twantanyofthem?
"Yeah."Heconfirmed."You'reactuallymyfirstdateever."Headmitted.
"Andmyfirstkiss."Hemuttered.
"Nowthathasgottobealie!"Isaid.It'simpossiblethatatwenty-oneyearoldman,nevertheless,arockstar,hasgonethroughhislifewithouteverkissingsomeone.
"WhatcanIsay?Iwasraisedtobeagentlemen.I'mnotgoingtogoaroundkissinggirlsunlessIreallylikethem.Andnoone'severcaughtmyattentionuntilrecently."
Atthatpoint,Edwardlookedup,andhisgreeneyesshinedbrightwithaffection.Affectionthathehadforme.
"What'ssodifferentaboutmethatwouldcatchyourattention?"Iaskedmeekly.The
questionbothtormentedmeandhumiliatedme,butIhadtoknow.TherewasnothingaboutmethatcouldholdEdward'sattention.
"Everything."Hislow,velvetvoicesaid.Iheardhisfootstepscomingtowardsmebuttheystoppedwhenhewasrightinfrontofme.
"Bella,youhavenoideahowamazingyouare.WhenIfirstsawyou,notonlydidyourbeautydrawmein,butalsoyoureyes.Thosedeep,mysteriouseyesthatheldthestoryofafascinatingwoman.ThenIlearnedofyourpassionformusic.I'dthoughtI'dneverfindsomeonewholovedmusiclikeIdid,butthenImetyou.Yousawthroughmymusic,andknewthetruemeaningofwhatIwrote.ThenIlearnedhowincrediblyselflessyouarewhenitcomestoBen,Angela,andAlice.YoucouldbesufferingmuchmorethanIcantell,butyouwouldstilldowhateveryoucouldtomakeotherpeoplesmile.You'repassionate,humble,andabsolutelyamazing."
Icouldn'tbreathe.Hiseyeswereblazing,hisjawlocked,andhewasstandinglessthanafootaway.Iwatched,mesmerized,ashetookadeepbreathbeforesmilingcrookedlyandthenofferingmehishand.
"Willyoudancewithme?"Heasked.
"There'snomusic."Ipointedout,asItookhishandandhepulledmecloser.Normally,theclosenesswouldhavebeentooawkwardformetotake,butthiswasn'tawkward.Thiswascomfort.
"Well,Idomakealivingoffofsinging."Heteased.Ismiledautomaticallyinresponse,andfeltmybodymelttohis,givinghimfullcontrol.Hecouldhurtmerightnow.Myguardwasdown.Iwasvulnerable.ButEdwardwouldneverdoanythingthough.Hewasthegoodguy.
"Hmm."Hebreathed,contemplatinginhismind.Asmiletuggedontheedgeofhislipsasasongcametohismind.Heonlysmiledlikethatwheneverhewaspleasedwithhismusicchoice.
Everybodywantstobeloved
everyonceinawhile
weallneedsomeonetoholdonto
justlikeahelplesschild
Hisvoicewaslowandvelvetyinmyearashesung.
Canyouwhisperinmyear?
Letmeknowit'salright.
It'sbeenalongtimecomingdownthisroad
andIknowwhatI'vebeenwaitingfor
Likealonelyhighway,andI'mtryingtogethome
Love'sbeenalongtimecoming
HisarmssuddenlytightenedandIfelthimeverywhere.Itwasn'tscary.Itwasn'tawkward.Itwassecurity.Itwassafety.Itwascomfort.Itwasheaven.ItwasEdward.
EndFlashback
Ismiledatmymemoryandopenedthetextmessage.
Whatareyouupto?
-Edward
Isnuckaglanceattheprofessortoconfirmthathewasn'tlookingatme.HewasramblingonaboutstuffIhadalreadylearned.
Beingboredinclass.You?
-Bella
Ionlyhadtowaitalittlewhileforhisresponse.
BeingannoyedbyEmmettandJazz.
Wantmetocomespringyou?
Wecouldheadovertothestudio?
-Edward
Ihadtofightwithmyselfonthedecisionthere.GoingwithEdwardsoundedreallygoodrightnow,butIimaginehimshowingupatthecampuswouldnotbeverygoodrightnow.Thepresshadyettofigureoutwhatwasgoingonbetweenus,andfrankly,Ilikeditthatway.Theygottocloseformycomfort.
Notothefirst,butyestothesecond.
Meetyouinten.
-Bella
AfterIpressed'send'Istoodupandlefttheclassroom.Theteacherdidn'ttakenotice,andbesides,itwasinmylibertytoleaveifIwantedto.Exactlytenminuteslater,IwasparkinginfrontofthestudioandsmilingattheVolvoIsawdrivinginnexttome.
"Hi."Isaidashesteppedoutofthecar.Hislipsspreadintoasmileandthenhewasinfrontofme.
"Hey,"hebreathed.Anticipationtensedmybodyasheleanedcloser.Thenhislipswereonmine.
Slowly,andgentlyfirst.Tentative,andcareful.Whenmyhandstouchedhisneck,theybecamemoreurgent.Mystomachclenchedashishandsfoundmywaist.Firstitwasfromanautomaticresponseoffear,butthenhiselectrictouchregisteredinmymind,andImeltedinhiscapablehands.Mylipsparted,andIbreathedinhisfamiliarscent.Itwassweetandmouthwatering.Thepitofmystomachwarmedandtingledinanunfamiliarway.Thenhistonguetracedmylips,andIknewwehadtostop.IwantedtotrustmyselfenoughtobelievethatIcouldhandleit,butIdidn'twanttopushmyself.Aspazzattackwouldnotbegoodrightnow.
IgentlypushedawayanddetachedmyselffromEdward.
"Sorry."Hebreathed.IopenedmyeyestoseehisfaceglowingfromthatsamepleasureIhadjustfelt,buthiseyesalsoseemedguilty.
"Don'tbe.I'mfine."Ireplied.Hesmiled,andtookmyhand,leadingmeinside.
Hewasalwayssopatient.HeknewnothingofwhyIactedsocarefullyallthetime,andyethewasstillwillingtowaitandbethereforme.Idon'tunderstandwhathecouldpossiblyseeinme,butasselfishasitwas,Ididn'twanttolethimgo.Heshouldn'thavetowaitformetotellhimsomething,whenIknewIwouldneverwillinglydoit,butIwasn'twillingtoletgoofthefeelingofsecurityhegaveme.
Edward'sphonerang,andwebothjumpedaswemadeourwaytotherecordingroom.
"Hello?"Heanswered.IcouldhearEmmett'sloudvoiceontheotherline,andI
smiledathisamusingantics.
"Oh,BellaandIareatthestudio."Edwardanswered.EmmettsaidsomethingthenEdward'ssmilefell.
"No,don't!"Hebegan,butthenlookeddownathisphoneindisappointmentasEmmetthungup.
"Iwantedittojustbeus,butapparentlyEmmettwantstoinviteeveryoneovertoplayabit."Hetoldme,scowling.
"Areyoutellingmethatyou'redisappointedthatyou'regoingtohavetoplaymusic?IneverthoughtI'dseethedaywhenEdwardMasondidn'twanttoplay."Igaspedteasingly.Hesmirkedandshookhisheadatme.
"Whatever."Hegrumbled.Ilaughed,andsatdownatthemusicconsole.
EdwardandItalkedforthirtyminutesstraightbeforeEmmett,Jasper,Alice,Angela,andBenshowedup.
"Hellolovebirds."AliceteasedasshecameinandsawEdward'sarmwrappedaroundme.
IhadwantedtokeepmyfirstdateasecretfromAlice,butintheend,Ispilledeverythingtohersothatshecouldhelpmegetready.IwasfashionablyretardedandIneededAlicetohelpmelookcutebutnotlikeIwastryingtoohard.Shesucceeded,ofcourse.
IsmiledtoherinresponseandsheonlygiggledbeforeJaspertookupherattention.
"Guys?"Emmetcalledoutashecamein.Myheartjumpedattheseriousnoteinhisvoice.Emmettwasneverserious.
"Soourmanager,Aro,hasfinallydecidedit'stimeforhimtointervenewithourwork.Heletushavefreereignwiththisalbum,butnow,wehavesometrouble,sohesays."EdwardandJasperlookedworried,andAngela,Ben,Alice,andIjuststared,confused.
EmmetttookalaptopoutofhismessengerbagthatIdidn'tevennoticehehadandsetituponthemusicconsole.
'Asphyxiatedbandmembersromanticallyinvolved',wasthefirstthingIread.IwincedasIrealizedwhatwasgoingon.Emmettscrolleddownandpicturesof
JasperandAlice,andEdwardandIpoppedup.
"What'stheproblem?"Jaspersaid.Weturnedtolookathimandhehadasternlookonhisface."Weknewitwouldeventuallyhappen.Thisdoesn'taffectthealbumorthebandinanyway,"
Edwardnoddednexttomeinagreement,andIwatchedashisjawtightenedinannoyance.
"That'snottheproblem."Emmettsaidgravely.Hehunghisheadforasecondbeforepullingouthisphone.Hedialedanumberandthenputitonspeaker.
"Helloall."AnsweredavoicewithanItalianaccent.
"Aro."Theyallacknowledged.
"Sohere'sthething.Ihavenoproblemwiththeselittleromancesyoutwoarehaving,butwegotsomebadpublicitystartingtospread,andIneedyoutodecideonifyouwanttomakeastatement,orjusttryandseeifthiswillburnoutandhopeitwon'thurtAsphyxiated'simage."Hesaid.
"Whatdoyoumean?"Edwardaskedtensely.
"Google'IsabellaSwan'."Herepliedtersely.Itensedandmybreathingbecamelabored.Pleaseno.Ibeggedinmyhead.Notnow,notever.
Emmettdidastold,andtheresultscameup,gaspsgoingaroundtheroom,andthefloorfelloutfromunderme.
'EdwardMason'snewgirlfriendalmostrapedatagesix'
"Readit."Aro'svoicecommanded.Jasperwasthefirsttocollecthimselfandsteppedforward.Iscreamedinmyheadforhimtonotdoit,butIcouldn'tmove.Icouldn'tbreathe.
"Atagesix,IsabellaSwanwasabductedfromherhouseinForks,Washingtonwhilevisitingherfatherwithhermother.Herfather,ChiefCharlieSwan,wokeupwhenheheardherscreamandimmediatelydispatchedallofficersintheareatofindher.Reportsfromthenightoftheincidentclaimthat30yearold,JamesWhite,hadbeenfollowingIsabellaforaweek,beforebreakingintoherhouseandtakingherintotheforestnexttoit.IsabellafoughtbackandwasabletoinjureWhitebeforehedidanyharmtoher.Whitechasedafterher,andthrewheragainstatreetostopherfromrunning.Astruggleformedbetweenthetwo,andIsabellareceivedmanyinjuriesas
shefoughtagainstWhite.Herfatherwasabletoquicklyfollowthesoundsofstruggle,andshotandkilledWhitebeforeanysexualpenetrationcouldoccur.
Isabellawenttothehospitalandwastreatedforaminorconcussion,severalbonefracturesandabrokenwrist.Sincethen,Isabellahadbeenattendingregularappointmentstomanypsychiatriststotreatherparanoiaandtrustissuesagainstpeople.Isabella,nowagetwenty,attendstheUniversityofWashingtonwhileworkingattheFullSoundRecordingStudioinSeattle,wheresheworkswiththeband,Asphyxiated,whichiswhereshemetleadsinger,EdwardMason."
Theworldwasspinning.Colorswereblurringandmeltingtogether.Mybreathingandheartratewerepoundinginmyearandtearsbegantostingmyeyes.Ididn'tdarelookanywhere.Theyallknewnow.Alicehadneverevencompletelyknownthetruth,andnowtheentireworldknewit.Itwasofficial.Inowhadnohopeofeverbeingnormalagain.Iwouldalwaysbethegirlwhowasalmostrapedwhenshewassix.I'dalwaysbesomeonetopity.
"We'lldealwithit,Aro."IheardEmmett'svoicesaygravely.
"Bella?"Iheardhisvoicesay.Whydidhehavetosoundsounderstanding?Hewasjustsugar-coatingthetruth.Hedeservedbetter,andyethestilltriedtobenicetome.
"Bella?"Hisvoicesaidagain,thensuddenlyhishandwasonmyshoulder.Icouldn'tbeartoimaginehowcatatonicImustlookrightnow,butsuddenlysomethingbrokeinsideofme.
"No!"Iscreamed.Irippedhishandoffofmeandthrewmyselfagainstthewall,curlingmyselfagainstit,tryingtodisappear,justwantingtonotexistanymore.
Theairaroundmewaspushingagainstme,crushingme,suffocatingme.Mybodyclenchedeverywhereandsuddenlyaloudsobleftmylips.ThisiswhatIwas.Abrokenmess.Adisgustinglybrokenmess,whowouldneveramounttoanything.
Edward'sfamiliarfeelingofelectricitybegantosurroundme,andIcouldn'ttakeit.Ididn'tneedtoseehiseyestoknowthattheywerefullofpity,justlikeeveryone'seyeslookedlikewhenIwassix.Iwasfragile.Iwasvulnerable.Iwouldneverbestrongenoughtohandlemyownlife.HidingwasallIwasgoodat,andintheend,Iwouldalwaysendupwalkingawayfromthosewholovedme.Iwouldneverbegoodenoughforit.
"No."Isobbedagain.Ineededtogetoutofhere,butIdidn'twantthemtoseeme.
Istoppedbreathingandcontrolledmysobs.Justhide.You'regoodathiding.You'regoodatwalkingaway.IstraightenedupandfeltthewalluntilIfoundthedoorknob.
Itwassilent.Deadsilent.Noonemadeanoise.Nooneevenbreathed.Ikeptmyfacehiddenandopenedthedoor,andwalkedout.
"Bella!"Iheardagain.Justleavemealone,Iwantedtotellhim,butIcouldn'tfindmyvoice.
"Don'tleave."Iheardhimsaybehindme.
"Whatdoyouwant?"Ihoarselywhispered.Ishouldhavekeptwalking,butIwasn'tevenstrongenoughtodothat.
"Bella,lookatme."Hewhisperedagain.Hewascloser.Icouldtell.Theairaroundwastinglinginelectricity.
"No."Iwhispered.
"Bella,"hestarted."I'mnotsayinggoodbye.I'mnotlettingyougothateasily.I'vetoldyoubeforethatnomatterwhat,Iwanttobewithyou.Iwanttobehereforyou,butyougottoletmein."
"I'mnotverygoodatlettingpeoplein."Ireplied.Thiswastheharshtruth.Iwouldalwaysfeellikehedeservedmore.Deservedbetter.
"Whatareyouthinkingrightnow,Bella?Whyareyoutryingtorunaway?"Hisvoicewasdoingthatthingagain.Thatthingwhereitseemedtocaressyouandmakeyoufeellikeyouwerethemostimportantthingtohimever.Iwaspowerlesstoit.
"Whatdoyouwantmetosay,Edward?Here'sthetruth.IwasalmostrapedwhenIwassix.Ican'ttrustpeople.Icanhardlyevenbealonewithmyownfatherwithoutfeelingparanoid.Ican'thaveanormallife.Irefusetobethatgirl.Irefusetobeapityparty."
Hishandwasreachingout.Itwasgettingcloser.Iwantedtoscream.Iwantedtorunaway,butIalsowantedhistouch.Iwantedhimtotellmeitwouldbeokay.Iwantedhimtotellmethattherewashope.ThatIwasn'tapityparty.
"I'vesaiditbefore,andI'llsayitagain."Hestarted.Hishandencircledmywristandbroughtmecloser."I'llsayiteverydayfortherestofmylifeifIhaveto."
Hisarmcamearoundmywaistandhetiltedmyheaduptolookintohiseyes.They
weremolten,andblazing.Theywereloving.
"Youarenotapityparty."Hesaid,almostharshly.Hisfaceturnedhardbutremainedgentleatthesametime.Itwasmesmerizing."You'resomuchmore."
Andthenhekissedme.
Thedreamsthatkeepmehere
arenotworthit.
Learntoloveyourfears,
I'msorry.
Thesedreamsthatfallapart
arenotworthit.
Learntolovetheseyears;
forever.
Thisisyourlife,
Thisisyourtime
Thisistheonlytimeyouhavetomakeit
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Intense!Whoo!ThisisthechapterI'vebeenwaitingfor!Lol
SongthatEdwardsangtoBellaontheirdatewasLongTimeComingby:OliverJames.ThechaptersongisRemedyForLoveby:SchoolBoyHumor.
SoyoufinallyfiguredoutwhathappenedtoBella.Shewasn'traped,butitwasclose,whichiswhyshehastrustissues.
SongInMyHead
Disclaimer:Youknowwhat?I'mnotgoingtosayit.No,youcan'tmakeme.......wait!Don'ttakeawaythecookies!No!....fine.-sigh-Idon'townanythingTwilightrelated.
Edward'sPOV:
"Iknowthatthisisn'treally,"Ibegan,gaspingoutthewordsasIgentlydetachedmyselffromBella'ssweetlips,"whatyouwanttodorightnow,butIthinkwehavetodecidewhatwe'regoingtodoaboutthis."
IopenedmyeyestomeetBella'swarmchocolateones.Theyweren'tclosedoff.Theywereopen,vulnerable,andtrustful.Shetrustedme.Thethoughtmademyheartsoar.
"Whatdoyoumean?"Sheasked.Iclosedmyeyesandsighed.Ireallydidn'twanttoexplainexactlywhatImeant.Ialreadyfeltlikeajerk,butlikeArosaid,somethinghadtobedone.
Thiswasn'tforthesakeoftheband.ItwasforBella.Ifnothingwasdonetoconfirmordenytherumors,thenthepaparazziwouldhoundheruntiltheyweresatisfied.
"Uhm,whatdoyouwanttodoabout....thestories?"Ifinallysaid.Icouldn'tdaretolookatherface,butIheardhersharpintakeofbreathandthenhershakyexhale.
"DoI...Imean...whatcanI...uh?"Shecouldn'tsayanything.Ilookedupandsawthewordsshecouldn'tforminhereyes.
"Ifweleavethisopentointerpretation,thetabloidswillhoundyouuntiltheycangetinonthestory.Ifyoureleaseastatement,thenwecanavoidanytrouble."Iexplained.
Ifelthorribleforhavingtogiveherthechoice.Eitherway,shewouldhavetofacepeoplethatshedidn'tknow.Peoplethatshecouldn'ttrust.Peoplethatcouldhurther.
Isawthefearinhereyes.Ifinallysawthatunbelievableterrorthatcamewithherpast.Icouldn'tevenbegintoimaginehowdifficultlifewouldbeifyourwasconstantlyontheedge.Constantlylookingoveryourshoulder,neverbeingabletorelaxfromthetensionofparanoia.ItwasalifeIknowIwouldn'tbeabletotake,yetBellawasstillabletocontinuethroughlifeputtingsmilesoneveryoneelse'sfaces
eventhoughshewouldneversmileforherself.
"Ican't."Astrangledsobcamewithherwhisperedvoice."Iwon'tbebeabletohandleit.YouhavenoideahowmuchIwantto,butIcan't."
Asshetriedtoexplainwhatshewastryingtosay,Isawhowthetableswereturning.Shewastryingtoputtheblameonherself,thoughtherewasnoblameatall.Shewasmakingitseemasifshehaddonesomethingwrong.Hervoicetookonapanickedpitchandshebegantotalkfasterindesperation.Itwasthefearagain.
"Bella,shhh.Bella,it'sokay."EventhoughIdesperatelywantedtoquicklysweepherinmyarms,IknewIhadtogoslow.
Slowly,Itookastepforwardsoshecouldseememovetowardsherinherpanickedfrenzy.ThenIletmyhandhovercloselytoheruntilIlightlytouchedher.Iknewshecouldfeeltheelectricity.Therewasnodoubt;Icouldseeitinthewayhershouldersbegantoslumpandhervoicecalmedatinybit.Itwashardlyanoticeablechange,butitwasthere.Herhandsturnedandmypalmmethers.Then,herhandtightenedautomaticallyandIletmyarmsencloseher.
"Youdon'thavetodoanythingyoudon'twantto,andyoudon'tyoudaretryandturnthisonyourself.Youdidnothingwrong.Ifanything,Ishouldapologizetoyou.Yourlifeshouldn'thavebeenputondisplaylikethat."
"But-"Shetriedtoprotest,butIwouldn'thaveit.IcutheroffwithaquickkissandIfeltnotonlyhertensionleave,butalsomine.Shehadnoideaofthepowershehadoverme.I'dneverfeltlikethisbefore.ItwasasifIonlyexistedtomeether.
"Let'sgobackinside."Iwhispered.Iputmyhandonthesmallofherbackandledherbackinside.
Assoonaswewalkedin,Alicecamerunning,gentlypullingBellaawayfromme.
"Areyoualright?"Sheaskedanxiously."Oh,Bella.I'msosorry.Whatkindofjerkswouldwriteaboutyourlifelikethat?It'sokay,Bella.I'llhuntthemdownandgoallkindsofninjaonthem."
Iwasverysurprisedthatshehasn'teventakenabreathduringherwholemonologue.Althoughshewasbeingcompletelyserious,IsawhowBella'seyesdancedwithamusement.
"I'mfine,Alice.Iwouldn'twantyoutoendupinjail,anyway."Shetoldher.Imarveledatthewayshewastryingtomakeherbestfriendlaughwhensheseemed
tobetheonewhoneededcheeringup.
Alicesmiledslightly,thenhesitantlygaveBellaahug.Bella'seyesflashedforasecondbeforeshebracedherself.EvenhuggingAlicemustbestrangeonheraccount.
ItoremyeyesawayfromAliceandBellaforasecond,andmetthewateryeyesofAngela.
"Issheokay?"Shemouthedtome.BeforeIcouldanswer,Bellaspoke.
"Angela,I'mfine.Ofcourse,I'mshakenup,butI'mnotgoingtohaveanotherpanicattack.I'msorryifIscaredorshockedyouearlier."Bellaanswered.BeforeIcouldreprimandBellafortryingtoputsomekindofblameonherselfagain,Angelaspoke.
"Don'tbe."Angelaansweredfirmly."Noneofthisisyourfault.Youneverdeservedtobeasubjectofcruelfatelikethat,norisityourfaultthatsomejerkwroteaboutitforaneasybuck.Youneverdeservedanyofthis."
AlthoughAngela'svoiceheldnohostilitytowardsme,herwordsstillcutthroughme.Shewasright.Belladeservednoneofthis.Iwasatfaultforherlifebeingputondisplaylikethat.IwincedandlookedoveratBella.Iwasbeingselfish.IknewBelladeservedbetterthanme,butIcouldn'tevenbegintothinkaboutleavingher.Icouldn'timagineanykindoflifewithouther.
"Uhm,Edward?"Jasperaskerfrombehindme,hisvoiceraspywithawkwardness.
"Shouldwego?"Heasked.Emmettandhimbothshuffledtheirfeetandshiftedawkwardly,notknowingwhattosayordo.
"Let'splay."Iimmediatelysuggested.Bellaalwaysrelaxedaroundmusic.Shelostherselfinit.
IthrewaquickglancebehindmeandsawAlicelookingintoJasper'seyes,givinghimafirmnod.Bella'seyesmetmineandImarveledatthebeautifullookinthem.ItwasasifsheknewexactlywhyIsuggestedplayingandwasgratefulforit.Jasper,Emmett,andImadeourwayintothestudio,andsetupourinstruments.
"DoyouguyswanttoplaySongInMyHead?"Emmettasked.
"Sure."JasperandIreplied.
Icountedoffandthenbegantosingandplaythepiano.SoonJasperjoinedmeon
theguitar,followedbyEmmettwithasteadybeatonthedrums.Isoonbegantolosemyselfinthesoundofthemusic.MystressmeltedawayandIlookedupandmetBella'seyes.IonlyfocusedonherandIcouldfeeltheconnectionsparkingbetweenus.Hereyesrevealedeverythingtome,andI'vealreadybaredmyheartandsoultohermorethanI'vedonewithanyonebefore.
Musichasbeenmyonlyescapefrommyownmonstersthroughouttheyears.It'sbeentheonlythingthatunderstoodandtheonlythingthatI'veeverbeenabletobetruthfulwith.
Don'tblink,don'closeyoureyes,
butmostofalldon'tapologize.
It'smewho'sgotthedemonstowrestlenow.
SuddenlyasIbegantolistentotheownlyricsIhadwrote,arealizationandhurtrippedthroughmethatclutchedandcontractedmychest.Bellabelievedthatshewastheonlyonewithpastproblemsinthisrelationship,andIhadbeenlyingtoherallalongbynottellingherthatIwasalsobroken.Iwasworsethanbroken,Iwasmutilatedbymyghostsinthecloset.Mypasthorrorsweremyself.Iwasamonster.
There'sapatchofblueinthestormysky,
amemoryofabrightertime
wheneverythingwasnewandlesswatereddown
beforethesummerturnedtobrown.
Ididn'tdeservetofeelthewarmthBellagaveme,ortoreceiveherrareaffections.Iwasn'ttherightpersontobearoundtoprotectherortobehershouldertocryon,ortojustbetheonepersonshecouldfullytrust.Iwassoclosetobeinginlovewithher,Iwassure.
Shelookedattheworldandsawthehorrorsinitthatpeopleeverydayignoredsothattheycouldkeepthemselvesblissfullyignorantandoblivious.Shesawtheshadowsofeverybody'ssinsandsecrets,andyetshecouldstillfindawaytolive,laugh,andlove.Eventhoughshecouldn'tseeherselfclearlyenoughtomakeherselfrealizethatshehadeveryreasontobehappy,shewasstillabletouseeveryfiverofherbeingtomakethosearoundherhappy.IsabellaMarieSwanwasbeautiful,selfless,brave,honest,brilliant,witty,andsoincrediblygenuine.Itwasimpossiblenottoloveher.
SoIdidloveher.Icouldadmitthat,butnowthatherghostsseemedtobehealing,itseemedasifminewerecomingoutwithafieryvengeance.Ilovedher,butIwastoomuchofamonstertodeservetoloveher.
Bella'sPOV:
Ifelttruehappinessflowthroughmyveinsandseteverynerveonfire.Istillhadproblemstodealwith,butwithEdwardnexttome,IfeltlikeIcouldtakeonthewholeworld.He'sbeenwithmebeforeIevenmethim.IfellinlovewithhismusicanditwastheonlytimeIwaseverabletobecompletelyvulnerableandopenandyet,Icouldalwaysfeelcompletelycomfortable.Now,IwasluckyenoughtomeetEdward,andbetherecipientofhisdevotion.Hewastoogoodtobetrue.
Thesoundofthedooropeningsnappedmebacktoreality.IturnedandimmediatelysmiledwhenIsawEdwardrunahandthroughhismessybronzehair.Heraisedhiseyesandlockedmeinhisgaze.Heclosedhiseyes,tookabreathandthensuddenlyIwasbeingpulledintohisarms.
"Fuckit."Iheardhimmummer.WarmthseepedfrommychestthroughoutmyentirebodyandIreveledinthatfeelingofprotectionandsafetyhisarmsgaveme.Hisnosewaspressedagainstmyhairandneck,andIfeltgoosebumpsrisewherehisbreathtouched.
"Getaroom!"IheardEmmetttease.Edward'sbodyshookwithachuckleandIcouldn'thelpbutlaughaswell.
"Guys,Ithinkweshouldallgo.Wedidn'thavearealreasontomeethereanyway."Bensuggested.Angelanoddedinagreement.
Weallgotreadytoleave,butasIbegantowalkoutthedoor,Edwardgrabbedthesleevetomyjacket.
"Doyouthinkit'dbeokayifIcamebacktotheschoolwithyou?AlicewillbeheadingovertoourplaceandI'dliketobealonetotalkwithyouaboutsomething."Edwardasked.HisvoiceheldadifferenttonethanearliersoIdidn'tthinkwewouldbetalkingaboutmywholepersonallifeondisplaything.
"Sure."Ianswered.
WesaidourgoodbyestoeveryonebeforeEdwardandIdrovetothecollegedorms.
"I'mkindofexcitedtoseeyourroom."Edwardteased.Ilaughedandparkedmytruck.
"I'mgladIcleanedityesterday.Alicedoesn'tseemtohaveaproblemlivinginadirtyroombutIdo."WebothlaughedandIlookedaroundtoseeifanyonewasaround.
Ididn'twanttoriskEdwardgettingnoticed.Thankfully,noonewasout.
"Hereweare."IsaidasIopenedthedoor.
IwatchedEdward'sfaceashelookedaroundourdorm.Itwasamixofwonderandamusement.
"I'mguessingthesidewithallofthepinkandlaceisnotyours,right?"Heasked,asmirkonhisface.
Irolledmyeyesandthrewmyselfontopofmybed,whichwasdarkbluecotton,theexactoppositeofpinklace.IlookedupatEdwardthroughthetendrilsofhairthathadflownovermyeyes.Helookeddownatme,andsmiled.Ipattedthespacenexttome,andhegotamischievousglintinhiseyes.
Hesuddenlyleaneddown,hisarmsoneithersideofme,beforepushinghimselfovermeandontotheothersideofthebed,draggingmewithhim.Iendedupsnuggledupagainsthischest.Isquealedatthequicknessatwhichhehadmoved,andthenlaughedwhenhesigheddeeplyandnuzzledhisfaceinmyneck.
"Thisfeelsnice."Hemurmured.Icouldonlymewlinagreement.
Westayedinthatpositionforafulltenminutesbeforehesuddenlytensed,andbreatheddeeply.
"SotherewassomethingIwantedtotalktoyouabout."Hestartedhesitantly.Ifeltmyselfgettinganxiousatthetoneinhisvoice.
"Yeah?"Heranonehandthroughhishair,thensatup,bringingmeupwithhimsothatIwasrightnexttohim.
"So...earlier,whentheguysandIwereplaying,Istartedthinking."Hebegan.Hisfacelookedpained."Imean,wewrotethatsongwhenwewereinhighschool,andthelyricsreallycamefromJasper'spointofview,buttoday....Ijustsuddenlyfeltsomething,andIthinkIreallyneedtotellyou."
Istaredathimwarily,andInoticedthattoday,hewastheonewholookedundeniablyvulnerable.Hiseyeswerehaunted.
"Bella,Icareaboutyou.Alot.Ican'tevenbringmyselftosayhowmuchIdo.I
just...IfeellikeIwon'tbeabletolookyoustraightintheeyes,untilyouknowthis."
Whateverhewastryingtosaywasstartingtoscareme.Hereallydidseemasifhecouldn'tlookintomyeyes.Helookedeverywherebutme.
"What'swrong?"Iasked.
"Bella,whenIwasseventeenyearsold,myparentsdiedinahead-oncollision."Hesaidquickly.Isawhisfacewinceandhecringedasifthewordswerestabbinghim.
Iknewhisparentsweregone,butthewayhesaidit,mademethinktherewasmoretothestory.Ididn'tknowhowtorespond.
Edwardbreatheddeeply,andfinallylookedatme.Igasped.Hiseyesglistenedwithunshedtears,therimswerebrightred.Hisfacewascontortedinheartbreak.
"I'msorry,Edward."Iwhispered.IwishIcoulddosomethingtomakethosetearsgoaway.Ithurtmetoseehimlikethis.Hewasalwayssolightandhappy.Itwaswrongtoseehimsad.
"Bella,youdon'tunderstand."Hisvoicebroke.
Helookedsoscaredatwhathewasgoingtosaynext.Hisbodywastense,likehewasbracinghimselfforsomeintensereaction.IfeltmybreathingspeedupasItookinhisentirebody.Hereallydidlookterrified.Hishandswereclutchingthebedsheets,theskinoverhisknucklestaughtandwhite.Thelineofmuscleinhisforearmwasprominentandstretchedsotight,thatitwaseasytotellthatitwasphysicallyhurting.
Icouldn'tspeak,buthistorturedeyesreadtheconfusioninmine.Hetookadeep,shakybreath.Hiseyesboreintomine.
"Itwasmyfault.Icausedtheirdeath."
Theroomstartedspinning.Icouldn'tbreathe.Whatdidhemean?Edwardwasn'tlikethat.Hewasagoodperson.Hecouldn't.....kill.
Ikepttryingtothinkofsomething,anything,tosay,butIcouldn't.Strangledsoundsofconfusionflutteredfrommylips.
Ifelthorrible,butIcouldfeelaninvoluntaryresponseoffear.IwasscaredofEdward.
Henoticedmecringe,andhiseyeswatchedmymovement,asifheknewitwas
coming.
"Whatareyou...."Icouldn'tfinish.Iwantedtoknowwhathewastalkingabout.IrefusedtobelievethatEdwardcouldbeabadguy.Hewasn't.Butwhatifhewas.Itrustedhimwithmylife.CoulditbepossiblethatthatisthebiggestmistakeI'veeverhad?
"Iwasseventeenyearsold....."Hestarted.
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Iknowit'sbeensolong!I'msorry.Usually,IusewhateversparetimeIhavetowrite,butforthepasttwomonths,I'vebeenhavingtouseextratimetofinishreadingassignmentsforschool.Sorry!I'malsoreallysorryforthecliffhanger,butthinkaboutit,doyoureallythinkIwouldmakeEdwardabadguy?
Anyways,thesonginthischapterisSongInMyHeadby:Sherwood.I'lltrytogetthenextchapterupdatedalittlebitsooner,butwhoknows.ChaptersmaybeshortersothatIcangetthemupsoonerthanitwouldtakeifIweretowriteatwelvepagechapter.
WhoIAmHatesWhoI'veBeen
Disclaimer:IownacopyoftheTwilightseriesbutIsadlydonotlegallyowntheactualTwilightseries.
Edward'sPOV:
"Iwasseventeenyearsold..."Istarted.
Flashback:
"HeyEdward!"Myfriend,Davidcalledasherandownthehallwaytomeetmeatmylocker.
"Yeah?"Iasked,puttingupmytextbookandshuttingmylockerclosed.
"GuesswhojustgotaninvitetoStacey'spartytonight.Us!Staceytoldmetotellyou,causeIthinkshe'sgotalittlethingforyou.Anyways,pleasetellmeyourgoingsowecangotogether."Heseemedtoexcitedformetorejecthim.
Ididn'tliketogooutandpartyliketherestofthehighschoolpopulation,butlately,classesandworkseemedtobestressingmeoutwaytomuch.Anightoutmightturnouttobeagoodnight.
"Sure."Isaid.Ididn'teventhinkaboutaskingmyparents.Ineverwentoutanywhere,therewasnowaytheywouldbeabletotellmeno.
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"No."Mymomtoldme.
"Whatthehell?Mostofthetime,yourpracticallybeggingmetogooutandactlikeanormalteenager,andwhenIfinallywanttogotoaparty,yousayno!"Iyelled.Thiswasn'tfairandsheknewit.Iwasgoingtothatstupidpartywhethershelikeditornot.
"YourfatherandIaregoingouttodinnertonightforouranniversaryandwedon'wanttobeinterruptedwithanycalls.Nottomention,IknowaboutthelegendarypartiesStaceyMeadowsthrows,andthereisnowayyourgoing.They'realwaysheldwayoutsidecitylimits,andtheroadswillbeicyanddangeroustonight."Mymotherstated,asifitwasthemostlogicalthingintheworld.
"IalreadytoldDavidI'dbethere!It'snotfair,andyouknowit.Iworkhard,I'minthe
topfiveperfectatschool,Inevergetintoanytrouble,theleastyoucandoistrustmetogo!"
"Don'ttryandpullthatcardwithme,Edward!YouknowverywellthatItrustyou,butthereisnowayyourgoingtothispartytonight!Endofdiscussion!"Shefinishedwithaharshtone.Shehadthatlookonherfacethattellsyoushe'snolongerthenice,andcoolmom,buttheauthoritativeparentalfigure.
"Whatiswithallthisyelling?"Myfatherasksasheenterstheroom,probablyjustgettingbackfromwork.
Idonothingbutpushmywaypasthim,andslamthedoorshut.Iwasgoingtothatstupidpartywhethermyparentslikeditornot.
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"Edward,we'releavingnow."Mymomcalledoutthroughthedoor.
"Goaway!"IyelledasIcontinuedfuminginmyroom,alsorandomlygrabbingsomeclothestowear.
"Edward,justcomesaygoodbyetous.Youractingchildish."Myfathersaidcalmly.
"Yeah,wellmaybeit'sabouttimeIdosomethingmyownage.I'mtobusyallthetimetryingtobeagoodchild,somaybealittledisobediencewouldbehealthy!"Iyellback.IswipeacombthroughmyhairrealquickeventhoughIknowit'suseless.Oncemyparentsaregone,I'llswingbyDavid'shouse,pickhimup,andthendrivetotheparty.
Icouldhearmyparentssighinfrustrationontheothersideofthedoor.
"Okay."Iheardmymomsay.Forasplitsecond,Ifeltastabofguilt.Tonightwastheiranniversaryandshesoundedupsetoverourfight.
"Weloveyou."ShecroakedsoftlybeforeIheardtheirfootstepsleaving.
TheyshouldhavebeenabletotellIwouldbesneakingout.Maybetheyshouldhavetakenawaymycarkeys,butIneverdidanythingwrong.Theytrustedme.Iwasgoingtobreakthattrustnow.
"Getoverit."Imutteredangrilytomyself.IfIstartedthinkingaboutit,Iwouldenduptalkingmyselfaboutofgoing.
IpickedupmyphoneanddialedDavid.
"Hello?"Heaskedafterpickinguponthefirstring.
"I'monmyway."IsaidasIclosedthedoortomybedroom.
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"I'msogladyoucouldmakeit!"StaceyMeadowssquealedassheranthroughthecrowdandpracticallyjumpedme.
Somemightconsidermealuckyguy.Themostbeautifulandsoughtaftergirlinourschoolhadacrushonme.Manygirlsdid,actually.Noneoftheminterestedme,though.Imean,Iwasinhighschool.Findingloveinhighschoolwasaveryunlikelyeventinmyopinion,andIrefusedtotakeoutgirlsunlessIwasactuallyinterestedinthem.Sure,Ihaven'tevenhadafirstkissyet,butIwasraisedtoknowthatthingslikekisseswereintimateandtheyshouldonlybesharedwithsomeoneyouactuallylike.Iwasn'tgoingtogoandkisssomerandomgirlwhenIcouldhavetheprivilegeofsomedaykissingthegirlofmydreams.
"Yeah,great-uhmparty,Stacey."IsaidslowlyasIpriedheroffofme.
AsIlookedaroundthough,Isawnoappealinthesceneinfrontofme.Therewasagroupdrinkinginonecornerthatwasalreadycompletelyplastered,andtherewasanothergroupintheothercornerthatwassmokingsomething.Inthemiddleoftheroom,therewasnothingbutahumantangleofsweatyandgrindingbodies.
Therewasdefinitelynothingappealingaboutthis.
"Thanks!"Staceyrepliedecstaticallybeforechasingafteraguywhowaspassingoutdrinks.
"Man,thisisawesome!"Davidexclaimednexttome.
"Right."Igruntedsarcastically.Hemadenonoteofit,andranintothenextroom.
FiguringImightaswellenjoythisafterallthetroubleI'dcaused,Ifollowedthecrowdintothekitchenandpickedupadrink.Ibeganliftingthecuptomylipswhenapangofguiltwentthroughme.Thiswasstupid.AllIwasdoingwasrebellingagainstmyparentsbecauseIhadneverbeentold"no."
Iputdownthedrink,disgustedwithit,butmostlydisgustedwithmyself.Ilookedoutthewindowandsawthesunhadsetanditwasnowcompletelydark.AsnowstormseemedtobewaitingtoinvadeandIdidn'twanttobestuckinthishousewhenit
finallyhit.
WithouteventhinkingaboutDavid,Ipushedmyselfthroughthestiflingcrowd,andlefttheloudmusic,plasteredteenagers,andstupiditybehindme.
Theicywindhitmyfaceandleftmestunnedforamoment.WhenIrecovered,IrantomycarandturnedontheheaterassoonasIturnedthekey.
Icouldn'tleavefastenoughasIsteppedonthegasandpeeledoutoftheir.Noonewouldnoticemydeparture.
IshouldhavepaidattentiontohowfastIwasgoing.IfIhadlooked,IwouldhavenoticedIwasgoing30milesoverthespeedlimit.Ididn'tevennoticethatthethesnowhadstartedtofall,andthewindwashowling.
Outofnowhere,Ihitapothole.Theroadswerealreadyslightlyslick,andmytirescouldn'tfindpurchaseonthesmoothsurface.
Inasecond,mycarranofftheroad,intotheditchparalleltoit.Thecarbegantotumble.
Iwasincompleteshock,Icouldn'tregisterwhenmyheadcrackedintothewindownexttome,orwhentheglassofmywindshieldshattered,andglassflewintomyface,slicingmelikebutter..Mybodyscreamedinpain,andmyvoicefinallyfounditselfandbegantoletoutyelpsoffear.
Theclothoftheseatbeltdugsotightlyintomyneckandchest,thatIbegantofeelthestingofacut.Myheadonceagaincrackedagainstthewindow,andsleepbeckonedmeasdarknessbegantoencaseme.Thecarfinallyfoundflatland,anditteeteredbeforeslammingdown,crushingallthewindows,andmylungsintheprocess.
Adrenalinepumpedfastinmyveinsandfoughthardtokeepmeawake.Isputteredandcoughed,tryingtoswallowdowngaspsofair.Ihadthesensetoreachtentativelydown,thoughmywristscreamedintheprocess.Finally,Ifoundtheclickoftheseatbelt,andpusheddown.Theceilingofthecarcamerushingtomeetmyheadinanotherdeadlyblow.Sleeponceagainbeckonedme.Mywholebodyfoldedaroundme,andIdraggedmyselfoutoftheshatteredwindow.Inmyhazyvisionthatwasblurringanddoubling,Icouldmakeoutthevividcolorofbloodanddirtstainingmyhands.Theshardsofglassleftonthegroundcutintomyskin,butIpaidnomindtoit.Ihadtostayawake.
Somehow,bysomemiracle,Ireachedmyphone.Ithoughtofdialing911,andI
shouldhave.Itwastheonlysensiblethingtodo.However,mymindwaspreoccupiedrightnow.Icalledthefirstnumberonmylist.
"Hello?"Myfather'svoiceanswered,probablysoundingannoyed.Soundsweremeltingtogether,becomingnothingbutdronesofnoise.
"Dad....Iwenttothe....party.....I.....crashed-"Icouldn'tfinish.Sleepwascreepingoverme,waitingforasecondofweaknessbeforeitwouldenvelopme,andlockmeawayinit'sdarknessforever.
Iwaslosing.
"Edward!We'reonourway!I'mcalling911!Juststaywhereyouare!"HisfranticvoicewasthelastthingIheard.
Sleephadwon.
Iwaslostinthehazyworldbetweenunconsciousnessandbeingalertforwhatseemedlikeforever.WhenIcouldseetheflashinglightsapproachingme,Iletgoofthatlaststringofconsciousness.
Theparamedic'svoicewasthelastthingIheard.
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Aballoflightwascontinuouslymovingacrossmyface,flashingbehindmyclosedeyelids.Itightenedmyeyesautomatically,tryingtoshutmyselfofftocompletedarknessagain.
"Mr.Cullen?Areyouawake?"Aman'svoiceasked.Iheardgaspsofreliefinthebackground.
MylipswerecrackedandunbearablydryasItriedtoanswer.Astrawwasplacedinbetweenmylips,andIeagerlysuckedupthewater.
Assoonasthecoldwaterenteredmybody,Ifeltslightlybetter.Iopenedmyeyes.
Ahospital.That'swhereIwas.Amiddle-ageddoctorstoodinfrontofme,holdingthelightthathadbeenflashinginmyeyes.Imovedmylineofsight,andcaughtthefacesofmyauntEsme,anduncleCarlisle.Bothlookedasiftheyhadn'tsleptindays.
"Doyourememberanything?Doyouknowwhyyou'rehere?"Themanasked.
Flashesoftumblingcolorsranthroughmymind.
"I....crashed."Ianswered.
"Good."Themansaidtohimself.
"Now,canyoutellmehowoldyouare?"
"Seventeen."Ianswer.
"Whatisyourname,andwhoareyourparents?"
"EdwardMasen.MyparentsareElizabethandEdwardSr."Aloudsobrippedthroughtheroom,andIlookedtoseeEsmechokebacktearsandburyherheadinCarlisle'sshoulder.Tearsshinedinhiseyes.
"Youareoneluckyboy,Edward.Afterreadingyoureportandseeinginjuriestothehead,Ithoughtyoumightbeendangerofalethalconcussion.However,youhavebeeninaminorcomaforaweekandahalf."Thedoctorlookedasifhewasgoingtocontinueexplaining,butmyuncle'shoarsevoiceinterrupted.
"Doctor,doyoumindifwe....haveapersonalmomentwithEdward?"Heasked.
Sympathyflashedinthedoctor'seyes.
"Sure."Heansweredbeforeleavingtheroom.
Esmecontinuedcryingandhidingherfaceinherhands.Carlislewalkedtotheedgeofmybed.
IaskedwhathadbeenbuggingmesinceIhadwokenup.
"Where'smomanddad?"
Carlisle'sfacecrumpledinpain.Myheartfroze.
"Theyweredriving...tocomeandfindyou.....Theroadswereslick...adrunkdriver....lostcontrolofhiscar....andhittheircar.....They.....died..onimpact."
Myworldbeganspinning.Theywere...gone.Myparents...didn'tevenexistanymore.Dead.Gone.
Hottearsstungmyeyes,andIsearchedCarlisle'sface,hopingthatitwasonlyasickjoke.ButCarlislewouldneverjokeabouthisyoungersister.
Theyweregone.Icouldn'tbreathe.Theyweredead.Theroomwasspinning.Everythingwasbleedingintogether.
Itwasmyfault.Ihadcalledthem,Ihadbeenspeeding,Ihadsnuckout,Ihaddisobeyedthem.
Myparentsweredeadanditwasmyfault.
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EndFlashback
"Forweeks,Iwascatatonic.AllIcouldthinkaboutwashowmuchofamonsterIwas.IfIhadn'tbeenastupid,stubborn,andspoiledkid,Myparentswouldbealiverightnow.Ipracticallysentthemofftotheirdeath."
Bella'sPOV:
Tearscascadeddownhischeeksandsplashedonthemattressbeneathhim.Ihadnoideawhattodo.TohaveaburdenlikethatalwaysgnawingatyouwassomethingIcouldn'tevenimagine.IwantedtocomfortEdwardandsaythathisparent'sdeathwasnothisfault.Iwantedtotellhimthatitwasthedrunkdriverwhohadkilledthem.
Iknew,though,thatEdwardwouldnotlethimselfbelieveotherwise.Icouldrelate.Anyonecould.Tohavesomethingbeyourfault,andtowishwithallyourmighttobeabletogobackintimeandrelivethemomentdifferently,sothatthey'recouldbeadifferentoutcome.Theguilthadtobemaddening.
IdidtheonlythingIbelievedIcould.
Ireachedforwardandlaidmyhandontopofhisshoulder.Hebecamemoretense.Iletmyotherhandwanderupandranthroughhishairperiodically.ImovedmyselfascloseasIcouldtohim,thenjustletinstincttakeover.
Edward'sPOV:
Iswalloweddowntheurgetoscreamandreachedup,catchingBella'shand.Nodoubt,thiswouldbethelastIwouldseeofher.
"Youhavetoletgoofthat,Edward?"Iheardhervoicesay."Youcan'tkeepblamingyourself.Itwasnothingbutbadtiming."
Howcouldshebelievethat?
"Itismyfault."Istarted."Ididn'tevenwanttogotothatstupidpartythatmuchinthefirstplace.IwasjustsousedtogettingwhatIwanted,thatwhentheytoldmeno,Irebelled.IfIhadstayedhome,myparentswouldhavegonetodinner,enjoyedtheiranniversary,andcomebacksafeandsound.Iwasbeingastupid,stubbornkid.Iusedtobedisgustedwithkidswhorebelledagainsttheirparents.Icouldneverunderstandwhytheycouldn'tcomprehendhowmuchtheirparentslovedthem,likeminedid.Thatnight,Iturnedintooneofthosesnobs.Theywouldn'tbedeadifitwasn'tforme."
Therewasanunbelievablyheavypressurespreadinginmychest,andIwaitedforBellatoleave.Ishouldhavetoldherthetruthinthefirstplace.Shethoughtshewasmessedup.Wrong.Itwasme.
"I'mnotleaving,Edward."Iheardhersay.Myheartskippedabeat.
"Icanunderstandhowyouseethisasyourfault,butdoyoureallythinkyourparentswouldwantyoutofeellikethis?Thinkaboutthatdrunkdriverwhohadhitthem.Ifhecares,don'tyouthinkthathefeelsthesamewayyoudo?I'msureyourparentsmusthavefeltbadthemselveswhentheyfoundouthowupsetyouwereabouttheparty.Youcan'tblamethisallonyourself.Itwasjustbadtiming."
Ibegantoshakemyhead.Iglancedupandmetherchocolateeyes.
"ButifIhadn't-"Shestoppedme.
"Iknow."Shestated,eyesshining.Icouldfeelreliefswellinsidemyself."Butit'soveranddonewith.Beatingyourselfupoveritisn'tgoingtochangeanything.Justthinkaboutyourparents.Thinkaboutyourauntanduncle.Theydon'twantyoutoblameyourself.Yourparentshadbeendrivingtocomegetyoubecausetheylovedyouandwantedyoutobeabletoliveyourlife.That'swhatyouhavetodorightnow,becausethat'swhattheywouldhavewantedandyouknowit."
ThesilencearoundusthickenedasItriedtoprocesseverything.
"You'reright."
AsIfinallyallowedmyselftogazeoverBella,Ifeltwarmthinvademyentirebody.Itwaslikesomecorny,overhypedchickflick,butIcouldn'thelpwhatIblurtedout.
"Iloveyou."
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'causeIdon'twantyoutoknowwhereIam'causethenyou'llseemyheartinthesaddeststateit'severbeen.
Thisisnoplacetotryandlivemylife.
Stoprightthere.That'sexactlywhereIlostit.Seethatline.WellInevershouldhavecrossedit.Stoprightthere.WellInevershouldhavesaidthatit'stheverymomentthatIwishthatIcouldtakeback.
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Somuchformeupdatingearlier,huh?IshouldstopmakingpromisesthatIcan'tkeep.=/
Anyway,songinthischapterisWhoIAmHatesWhoI'veBeen(acoustic)by:RelientK.IwentcrazyforDAYStryingtofindagoodsongforthischapter!So,thisissomeinterestingdevelopment.Allthedramaisgettingtome!Nextcoupleofchapterswillbealothappier...causethenafterthat,it'sbacktothedrama.
News!Mybirthdaywasacoupleweeksago,andI'mfinally16!….Uhg,Ihatethesoundofthat,makesmefeelsoyoungandnaive......Itfits,causeIam=D
AmazeMe
Disclaimer:AnythingTwilightrelatedisownedbyStephenieMeyer,notme
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Bella'sPOV:
"I'll...uhm...callyoutomorrow,then?"Edwardaskedaswewalkedthroughtheparkinglottohiscar.
"Ofcourse."Ianswered,stilllookingatmyfeet.Iheardthebeepasheunlockedhiscar,andthenthedooropened.
"I'msorryIcouldn'tsayitback,Edward."Ifinallysaidafteraminuteofjuststandingthere.
"Don'tbe."Hesaid,acrookedsmileinplace.
"Ididn'texpectyouto.Atthatmoment,Ijustfeltthisoverwhelmingneedtotellyou.Itwasunrealtome."
Ifeltmyheartplummettomystomach.
"Soyou...didn'tmeanit?"Iasked,myfacestoic.Although,Icouldn'tsayitback,ithadfeltheavenlytohearhimsayit.
Achuckleescapedfromhislips.
"OfcourseImeantit."Hesaid,voicegentle.Hismolteneyesweremeltingme."Ijustmeantitwasunreal,asin,itwassomethingthatyouthoughtonlyexistedindreams.Soundscheesy,Iknow,butitwasamazing."
Theconfidentnoteinhisvoicemademelightheaded.Hewasleaningonhisopencardoor,chinrestingonhisfoldedarms.Hewastheepitomeofperfect.Windblowinghishairintoasensuousmess,eyespenetratingandsoulful,andhewasofferingeverythingtome.
"I'llseeyoulater."Itoldhim.Heofferedmeanotherbeautifulcrookedsmilebeforeleaningoverthecardoorandgivingmeachastekiss.
Iwatchedasthecardroveaway.
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Edward'sPOV:
Isteppedontoourhotelfloorwiththecheesiestsmileever.IknewBella'sskeletons,andsheknewmine.
AndIlovedher.
Iusedtolaughatthecheesymoviesthatwouldhavethecouplefallhopelesslyinlovenotevenamonthafterknowingeachother.Ihadthoughtthatwasridiculous.Ihadthoughtthatlovewassomethingattainabletoonlythosewhohadknowneachotherforyearsinadvance.Ithoughtlovewasnearlyimpossible,andonlyafewpeoplecouldfeelthetruemeaningoflove.WhatIfelt,hadtobeit.Itwasoverwhelming,andpassionate,andsotrue.
"What'swiththegoofysmileonyourface?"Jasperaskedashecameoutofhisroom.
"Couldacertainbrown-hairedbeautyhaveanythingtodowithit?"Myuncle'svoiceaskedashecameoutofJasper'sroomcarryinganewspaper.
Hisfacewashard,asifhewastryingtoactmad,butIcouldseeamusementandhappinessinhiseyes.
"Yup."Ianswered,thenbegantowalktomyroom.Iknewmyunclewouldfollowmefordetails,andifIknewmyauntEsme,thenshewouldprobablybe-
"Hey,honey."Shegreeted,asshesatonmybedreadingoneofmybooks.
Yup,Iknewshe'dbethere.
"Whydidn'tyoutellusabouther?"Carlisleaskedashejoinedmyauntonmybed.
AsI'vesaidbefore,CarlislehadalwaysbeenmoreinterestedinmylovelifethanIhad.HehadalwaysfeltthathappinessinlovewouldmakeupforanypainIfeltovermyparents.Iguesshewassortofright.
"CauseIknewyouwouldbugthehelloutofme,andIalsowanttokeepBellatomyselfaslongaspossible."ItoldhimwithasmirkasIploppeddownonmyleathersofa.
"Tellusabouther."Esmestated,eyessparkling.
"She'samazing."Istarted,gettingreadytocontinuefortheentirenight.
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2MONTHSLATER
"Comeon,Bella,hurryupbeforemyauntandunclegethere."Iwhispered-yelled.
AliceandBellawereofficiallyoutforsummer.Theyhadspentthenightinmyroom,whileIsleptonthefloorofJasper'sroom.IwouldhavelovetosleepinthesamebedwithBella,butIhonestlydidn'ttrustmyself.
Afterthemushygushystageoffirstloveleft,itwasreplacedwith...lust.Mytwenty-twooldmindhadfinallycaughtupwithme.
Bella,ofcourse,hadnoclueofthis.Howappropriatewouldthatbe?Bellahadaterrifyingalmost-sexualexperiencewhenshewasyounger,andI'msureshedidn'twantmelustingafterher.
"Coming."Shesaidback.
Twosecondslater,sheemergedfrommyroomwearingtornjeans,converse,andabluebaseballt-shirt.Beautiful.Ismiledcrookedly,touchedherlipswithmine,thengrabbedherhand.
"Let'sgo."
I'dbeendyingtogetheraloneforalongtimenow.WhenCarlisleandEsmefirstmetBella,theyseemedtoconstantlystealherfromme.Thestudiowasnohelpsinceitwasjustbusinessandeditingthetracksforthenewalbumthatwouldbereleasedsoon.Therewasnorealchancesoftakingheroutonadate,causethepaparazziweregoingcrazyoverus.
BellaandIhadreleasedastatement,alongwithAliceandJasper,confirmingourrelationships,butinsistingthatBella'spastwasprivateandwasnotrelevanttoourrelationship.Thankfully,theywerebackingoffsinceweweren't"new"newsanymore.
"Wherearewegoing?"Bellaasked.Westeppedinsidetheelevatorandpushedthebuttonforthelobby.
"It'sasurprise."Itoldher.Shegotthatannoyedlookinhereyes.Shehatedsurprises.
"You'llloveit."Ireassuredher.
"Ifyousayso..."Sherepliedwarily,stilleyingmesuspiciously.
"Idosayso."Irepliedcheekily.Shesmirkedbeforechucklingandfixatinghereyesontheelevatordoor.
Whenitopened,Ifroze.
"Sneakingout?"Rosaliesaid,hereyesgleamingwithhumorandevil.
WhenBellahadmetRosalieforthefirsttime,itwasquiteinteresting.AsI'vesaidbefore,Rosalieisnotabitch.Sheissimplyblunt,andintimidating.ShetookaninstantlikingtoBella,butjustliketherestofherfriends,shelovedtoembarrassandteaseherevenmore.
Aweekago,Rosaliecaughtontomylustfulinner-conflict.Needlesstosay,she'shadatremendousamountoffunhintingatitwithsexual-relatedjokes.Shewasevil.Agreatfriend,butevil.
"I'llgiveyoutwentybucksifyoudon'ttellanyone."Iblurtedout.IfEmmettandJasperfoundoutwhereIwastakingBella,theywouldinsistoncomingalong,andunintentionallyruinmyalonetimewithBella.
Bellaturnedtomewithaconfusedandbemusedlookonherface.Rosaliebeamedinamusement.
"IamHollywood'smostsoughtafteractresswhomakesrecord-settingblockbusters,andyourtryingtobribemewithonlytwentydollars?"Sheaskedincredulously,raisinghereyebrows.
Ifeltmyhope,face,andmoreimportantly,myegodeflate.
"Oh,getoveryourself.Ipersonallydonotcarewhereyouguysaregoing,norwillIratyouout.Iwillhowever,takethattwentybucks."Shefinished,holdingouthermanicuredhand.
Irolledmyeyes,gaveherthemoney,andpulledBellaoutthedoorwithme.
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Bella'sPOV:
"Wherearewe?"Iasked.
"IntheUnitedStatesofAmerica."Heansweredsmugly,hiscrookedsmilecomingintoplace.
"Youcheekybastard."Imuttered.Thatgotadeepchuckleoutofhim,whichIclosedmyeyesto.IwassoincrediblycomfortablewithhimthatitwashardtobelieveIhad...issues.
Itwashardtobelievemostofthetime,sinceAliceandIwereclosernow,thanever.IwasgettingtobereallyeasygoingaroundbothJasperandEmmett.Istilldidn'tlikehugs,oranything,becausetheyseemedtointimateinmyopinion(inotherwords,theyweresomethingIonlywantedtosharewithEdward),buttouchingingeneralwasbecomingaloteasier.Inolongerhadaconstanttensepostureorcontinuousshotsofadrenalinefloodingmynerves.
Therewas,however,theproblemaboutEdward'sconfessiontwomonthsago.Itmademeunbelievablyhappyeverytimeheutteredthosewordstome,butIhadnoideaifI'deverbeabletoreciprocatehisfeelings.HowonearthwasIsupposedtoknowwhatlovewas?
Regardlessofmyconfusion,thelasttwomonthshavebeengreat.IwasfinallyintroducedtotheinfamousRosalieHale(Ihadbeenalittlestartstruck),andCarlisleandEsme.Rosaliewasgreat,sheruthlesslyteasedmeallthetime,butI'vealreadypickedupthatpokingfunatpeoplewasinhernature,anditmademefeelsomewhatacceptedtosufferherfriendly,yetmortifyingjokes.
"We'rehere!"Edwardsuddenlyexclaimed,snappingmeoutofmyreverie.
Iturnedmyhead,andIfeltarushofpleasurableadrenalineandexcitement.
"Paintball!"IwasoutofthatcarandinfrontoftheentrancebeforeEdwardeventookofhisseatbelt.
"Excited?"Heaskedashecaughtupwithme,hissignaturesmirkonlips.
"Shutup."Iretorted."Ihaven'tplayedsinceIstartedcollege.Charlie'spoliceforcewouldalwaysholdafamilyget-togetherattheendofeverymonth,andsurprisingly,everyonealwayswantedtogopaint-balling."
"Doesthatmeanyouranygood?"Edwardasked,hiseyesbrighteningasifthenewsreallyexcitedhim.
Ismirked,rememberinghowCharlieandIalwayswon.CharlieandIweren'ttheclosest,butwedefinitelyhadaperfectrhythmwhenitcametopaintballing.
"Idon'tknow.Maybe."Iteased,steppingforwardastheworkeratthegateledustotheequipment.
EdwardandIknewwhattodo,andwerebothgearedupinnotime.Excitementcoursedthroughmybody.NotonlywasIgonnabeabletoplaymyfavoritegame,butIwasalsogoingtogettoshowEdwardmyamazingskills.IwantedtoshowhimIwasn'tcompletelyvulnerableanddefenseless.Icouldtakecareofmyself.
"Ready?"Hesmirked.Ilovedthatlookinhiseyes.Itmeanthewasn'tgoingtogoeasyonme.Hismalepridewasatstake,andhewasn'tgoingtoletmecrushitsoeasily.
Littledidheknowitwouldbealltoeasyformetocrush.
"Yup."IpoppedtheP.
Sendinghimonelastplayful,yetseriousglance,Iranofftomysideandthegamebegun.
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"Ouch.Ouch.Ouch.Ouch."Edwardwheezedoverandoveragainaswewalkedtoaconcessionstandatthesideofthecourse.
Ireallydidfeelbadforhurtinghim,butatthesametime,Icouldnotstopgiggling.
"Stoplaughing."Hegaspedoutasdoubledoveragain.Thesightofhimmademeburstoutlaughingevenmore.
"That'swhatyouget!Youpurposelyaimedatmybutt!Doyouknowhowawkwardit'sgonnabetohaveabruiseonmybutt?"Iretorted,asIwincedasIsatdownatatable.
"Notasawkwardashavingabruiseonmyballs!"Hegaspedout.Hesatonthetable,thendoubledoveragain."NowI'mprobablynevergoingtohavekids."
"Don'tbesuchababy.Youunderestimatedme."Istuckmytongueout.
"That'strue."Hemumbledtohimself."Nexttime,we'redoingteams,andwe'vegottoplayagainstEmmettandJasper.I'dlovetoseethemgettheirasskickedbyyou."
Ismiled,realizingthatthisunpleasantexperiencewasn'tgoingtokeephimfromplayingwithmeagain.Thatmademeunbelievablyhappy.
"I'msorryItookacheap-shotandbruisedyourbuddies,Edward."Iapologized.Edwardchuckledthen,threwhisarmaroundmyshoulder.
"You'reforgiven.Nowwebothhaveawkwardbruisesthatwe'llrememberforever."
Aneasylaughpouredoutofme,andIfeltablissful,unimaginablewarmthspreadthroughoutme,burningmyfingertips,andshockingeverynerveendinginmybody.
"Wantsomethingtodrink?"Edward'svelvetvoiceasked,pullingmeoutofthatheavenly,overloadingexperience.
"Water,please."Ianswered.Thewarmthwasstillvibrantinmychest,andasIwatchedthecrookedpullofEdward'ssmile,andthenthefluidmotionofhiswalk,itseemedtoimmersemyentirebeing.IfeltlikeIwasonalivewire,butIalsofeltsocomfortableandrelaxedasIwatchedhim.
FeelingasifIwouldlosethatwarmthifhegottofarfromme,Istoodupandfollowedhimtotheconcessionstand.
"Twowaters,please."Hetoldtheworkerbehindthecounter.
Hecaughtmymovementinhisperipheralvision,andheturnedandsmiledagain.Thatheatblazedinmychestagain,andashereachedformyhandtopullmecloser,itexplodedathistouch.
IwassoimmersedinmyconfusionandimmersionofthewarmththatIdidn'tevenacknowledgethefactthatEdwardhadalreadyreceivedandpaidforourwaters,andwasnowpullingmebacktothetable.
Suddenly,twoteenagers,aboyandagirl,approachedus.Irecognizedthelookonthegirl'sface.Star-struck.Imyselfhadfeltthatfeelingmanytimes.
Theywereaboutseventeen,andtheboywithmediumlengthhairwasobviouslymorecomposed,andkeptcastingglancesatthepetitebrunettenexttohim.ThelookhegaveherwasoneI'dseenmanytimes,andyetIcouldn'tunderstandwhatitwas.
I'dseenitontheman'sfaceatthedinermonthsagowhenIrealizedIhadfeelingsforEdward.I'dseenitonallofmyfriend'sfaces,andonCarlisleandEsme'stoo.IsawitonEdward'sfaceeveryday.
Theexpressionwasjustsohappy,asifitwasabsolutebliss.Itmatchedtheburningfeelingsinsideofmerightnow.Mymindachedtounderstandwhatthisfeelingand
whatthatlookmeant.
"You'reEdwardMasen!"Thegirlsuddenlychokedout."Asphyxiatedismyabsolutefavoriteband!"
Itlookedasifshewasstrugglingtotalk,butherarmswereflailingaroundenoughtounderstandthatshewasahugefan.
"Couldwepleasegetanautograph?"Theboyaskedforher,hiseyesbothpleadingandamused.
"Sure."Edwardansweredhappily.Hesmiled,andIcouldhearthegirl'sbreathhitch.Igiggledtomyself,knowingthefeelingofbeingdazzledbythatsmile.
AsEdwardconversedwiththegirl,theboysteppedoutofthewayandstoodnexttome.
"Sorryifweintrudedonyourdate."Heapologized.Thoseinnocentbrowneyesofhismadeitimpossibleformetoevenbetheslightestbitscared,
"Notatall.Wewerejusttakingabreakfromshootingandbruisingeachother."Ianswered.
Theboychuckledandthenlockedhiseyesontheoverjoyedgirl.Edwardandherwereleaningintoeachotherasherarmreachedoutandtookapictureofthemonherphone.
Theysharedapartinghug,thenthegirlgrabbedtheboy'shand,andtheybegantowalkaway.Edwardjoinedmeatmyside,butIwasstillintentlywatchingtheretreatingcouple.
"Thisisthehappiestdayofmylife!"Thegirlexclaimed.
"Darling,Iloveyou,butsometimesyouembarrassme."Theboyrepliedteasingly.
Atthesoundofhiswords,theheatinsidemeblazedagain.
Iloveyou.
Suddenlyeverythingmadesense.Iknewwhatthatexpressionandwhatthisfeelingmeant.Therewerenosecond-guesses.Thiswastherealthing.
Love.IloveEdward.I'minlovewithEdwardMasen.
"Careforanotherround?"Edwardasked,pointingtowardsthecourse.
Iloveyou.
"Ofcourse."Ireplied,asmilespreadingacrossmyface.
AsEdwardgrabbedmyhandandledmetothecourse,theheatblazedinsideme,andmybodytingled.
Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.
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"Iknowyou'reclose."Hisvoicetaunted.
IflattenedmyselfagainstthepieceofplywoodIwashidingbehind.Edwardhadalreadyshotmegoodonthebuttagain,andIwasnotgoingtolethimgetmeagain.
IstiffenedwhenIheardhisbreathbehindtheplywood.Iheardhisfootstepsclosetooneedge,gettingreadytoturnaroundthecorner.Iboltedaroundtheothercornerandcaughthimunaware.
Splat!Hotpinkpaintwassplatteredalloverhisbacknow.
Ashecringedfromtheunawareattack,Iranforcover,choosingtohidebehindamassofsewagepipesandplywood.Iwasbreathingheavily,lovingtherushofexcitementcoursingthroughmyveins.Igiggled,thinkingabouthowfunnyitwouldbetohavetoexplaintoeveryonewhyweweregoingtobeallbruisedup.
Suddenly,theendofapaintballgunwaspokingmeintheside.
Ah,damnit.
"Gotcha."Hissultryvoicewhispered.
Hebeganwalkingtostandinfrontofme,aproudsmileonhisface.AllIcouldnoticewasthecloseproximity.Thegunwastheonlythingbetweenus.Mylimbsbecameweak,andmygunloosenedfrommyholduntilitdroppedtotheground.
Edward'sfacechanged.Helookedintomyeyes,registeredthedesireonmyfaceandloweredhisgun.
"Bella?"Heasked,bothconfusedandlonging.
"Edward."Iwhisperedback.Myvoicewaslow,thick,andlacedwithemotion.Staringathim,mystomachtingledandgrewpleasurablywarm.
Imovedthegunoutofourway,andpulledEdwardcloser.Hestaredatmewithhoodedeyes.Hislipsdrewcloser.Myeyesclosedandthesoftnessofhislipstouchedmine.Neverhadoneofhiskissesfeltthisgoodbefore.Itwasasifnotonlyweremylipsreceivingattentionbutsowasmyentirebody.I'dneverfeltthiskindoflongingbefore.Iwantedhimcloser.Ineededtofeelhim.
Ourkissesgrewheavier,andsoonmyhandswerewoundtightinhishair,pullingandgrasping,enjoyingthesoundsthatwouldemitfromEdward'smouthafterIdidso.Edward'shandswereonmylowerback,pullingmeflushagainsthisbody.Theywouldwanderdownbutneverquitemakeitallthewaydown.
Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.
"Iloveyou."Ibreathedout.Thewordsfeltsorightcomingoutofmymouth.Theyfeltsotrue.
Edwardfrozeandthenpulledbacktoseemyface.Hiseyeswerewideandshocked.
"Whatdidyousay?"Heasked,hisvoicehopeful,yetconfused.
"Iloveyou,Edward."Irepeated.
Hiseyesflashedandgrewbright.Asmallsmilebeganpullingathislips.
"Whatwasthat?Ididn'thearyou."Hesaid,hissmilegrowing.Igiggledandsmiledwithhim.
"Iloveyou."Itoldhim,thenpulledhimflushagainstmeagain.
Thelongingreturned,andourhandswerefranticonceagain.Thekissesweregettingsloppierbutthatwasbecausewecouldn'tgetenoughofeachother.
"Iloveyou,too."Hegaspedout,asIpulledawayandbeganskimminghisthroatandcollarbonewithmylips.
Thosewordsspurredmeon,andIpulledhimtomeonceagain.Ashiskissesbegansendingmoresparksthroughoutmybody,Ibecamefrantic.Myrightlegcameuponit'sownaccordandhitcheditselfagainsthiship.Edwardsuddenlymoaned,andthesoundspurredmeonagain.
Edward'shandssuddenlycuppedthemselvesaroundmybruisedbottom,andIwaslefttowrapmylegsaroundhiswaistashepushedmeupagainstthetangleofpipes.
Asquicklyasithappenedthough,Edwardpulledaway,whenIslightlystiffened.Withmylegsaroundhiswaist,Icouldfeelhisdesire,andastonishmentswelledthroughoutme.Imadehimfeellikethat.
Suddenly,Edwardputmedownandsteppedthreefeetawayfromme.Hisfacewasflushed,andhiseyeswerecastdownwards.
Icaughtmybreath,andthewarmthinthepitofmystomachbegantoextinguishitself.
"What'swrong?"Iasked.Helookedtorn,asifhejustdidaverybadthingandwasgoingtohavetofacetheconsequences.
"I"msosorry."Hisvoicesuddenlyblurtedout."Ishouldn'thavetakenitthatfar.I"msosorry."
Despairwashedoverme.Sohedidn'tlikethathehadfeltthatwayaboutme.Heregrettedit.
"Oh."Iresponded,myvoicevoidofemotion.
Atthesoundofmycoldanswer,Edward'seyessnappedup.
"What'swrong?"Heaskedback,hisvoicefrantic.Hisfacelookedevenmoreself-torturednow.
"Nothing."Ireplied,suddenlyangry.WhythehellshouldEdwardbesojumpyaboutamake-outsession?
"Don'tlietome."Hereplied,hisvoicesuddenlyveryfirmandhard."What'swrong?"
"Nothing!"Iyelled,feelingangerandrejectionrunthroughme."Nothing,exceptthefactthatmyboyfrienddoesn'tevenwanttotouchme!I'msorryifIgetupsetwhenmyboyfriendpullsawayafterahotmakeoutsessionandregretsit!"
Edward'sfacewasastonished."Regretit?"Heasked,asifhewasconfused.
"Justforgetit,"Isaidcoldly,pushingpasthimtoleave.
Hishandgrabbedmyarmandspunmearoundtofacehim.Hisfacewas
determined.
"Bella,Idon'tregretit."Hesaidfirmly."AsashamedasIshouldbeabouttakingitthatfar,Idon'tregretit."
"Oh,soyoushouldbeashamed?GreattoknowthatI'msorepulsivetoyou,Edward."Iseethed,pullingatmyarmtoleaveagain.
Edwardpulledmecloseruntilwewereflushagainsteachotheragain.
"HowcouldyoupossiblythinkthatIfindyourepulsive?"Heasked,incredulous."AllIeverdoisfantasizeaboutyou!Ican'tgetyououtofmyhead!AnymomentI'mwithyou,allIwanttodoispullyouclosetomeandshowyouhowmuchIloveyou!Bella,Idon'tregretit,butI'mtryingtolookafteryou!Idon'twantyoutobeuncomfortableorscaredjustbecauseIcan'tcontrolmyhormones!"
Iwasastonished...andthenangryagain.
"I'mnotsomefragilebaby,Edward.I'msorryifhavingasexually-jackedupgirlfriendisaninconveniencetoyou!"Iyelled.Vaguely,inthebackofmymind,Iwonderedifanyonecouldhearus.
"It'snotaninconvenience!"Heimmediatelydefended."Bella,Iloveyou,andI'dbewillingtowaitforeverifyouneededit.Ijustdon'twanttorushanythingforyou.Iwantyoutobecompletelycomfortablearoundme,nomatterhowintimateweare."
Ifeltmyheartmelt,andmymindsuddenlyregisteredhowdumbthisfightwas.Edward'sfacerelaxedwhenhesawtheangerleavingmyface.
"Sorry."Iapologized."Edward,IjustwantyoutoknowthatI'malwayscomfortablewithyou.You'retheonlypersonwhocanmakemefeelcompletelysafe.Withyou,thereisnonews-worthytraumaticpast.Icanbecompletelynormalwithyou.Youdon'tneedtoworryaboutme."
Edwardwasastonished.Forafullminute,hewasspeechless.Thenhelookedslightlyembarrassed.
"Butifyouweren'tscared,thenwhydidyoustiffenwhen...ah...youfelt...my...youknow."Hisfacewascompletelyredandhiseyeswerecastdownwards.
"Iwasastonished."Iconfessed,myfacered."Icouldn'tbelievethatIcouldmakeyoufeelthatway."
"YoumakemefeelthingsI'veneverfeltbefore."Hereplied,smilingbeforedippingdowntogivemeaquickkiss.
"Samehere."Isaid,smilingathim,andthenIlacedmyfingersthroughhis.Wepickedupourgunsandbeganwalkingbacktotheentrancetoleave.
"Soyou'vefantasizedaboutme?"Iasked,amusedathisembarrassment.
"Shutup."Hemumbled,pullingmecloseragainhisside,whereIfeltcompletelyandutterlysafe.
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Youseeincolor.It'sblackandwhiteandcleartome,
thatyou'vegotthesoulandthestrengthIknowIneed.
Whenyouwalkinaroom,itlightsupwithyourlove.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Ifeellove'stouch.
Youamazeme,youbreakme,inalltherightplaces.
WhenIlookinthoseeyes,Icanseethefutureinus.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,that'sfine,yeahit'salright.
Myheartalmostspent,broken,andbent.
There'spiecesontheground,
willyoupickthemup?
Iwaslost,butnowI'mfound.
Youamazeme,youbreakme,inalltherightplaces.
Ilightupwithyourlove.
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THEEND
Originally,Ihadalotmoredramaplannedinthisstory.Iprobablyhadliketenmorechaptersplannedout,butthisisagreatplacetoendthestory,andI've
cometorealizethatIhavenopatienceforlongstories.
Sothisistheend.Hopeyouguysenjoyedthisfanfiction.Ifthere'sanymomentsthatyouwishtoreadaboutthatweren'tcovered,goaheadandtellmeandI'llconsiderwritingitasanouttake.MaybeyouwanttoseeEdwardandCharlie'smeeting?Aproposal?AratedTversionofanothermakeoutsession(rememberI'monly16)?
ThesonginthischapterisAmazeMeby:Mother'sAnthem.They'realocalband,butyoucanfindthesongonmywebsite.Linkonmyprofile.
Anyonehaveagoodideaforanepilogue?