DIVORCE

a griet process by Sonya J. Herman

D I v o R c E is one of the most traumatic crises a family faces. Parents, children, relatives, and friends are suddenly in- volved in changing and identifying new roles, lifestyles, and associations. Think for a minute of how and when divorce touched some aspect of your life, either by being divorced, knowing members of families experiencing divorce, or professionally counseling persons during differ- ent stages of divorce? I ask you to reflect upon divorce as this is a crisis most of us are not pre- pared to cope with ourselves or to give realistic help to others undergoing divorce. This is true despite the fact that divorces reached an all time peak in 1946. Now, in 1974, one out of three marriages ends in divorce. There are approximate-

ly 18 million divorced persons in the United States according to the most recent figures.

What have we learned in twenty-eight years to aid persons undergoing divorce? According to the literature and everyday experience, we have learned people withdraw from discussing or having the topic discussed. How many of us have openly and willingly been able to talk about divorce with family members and friends, or been asked to help them choose or think about alternative lifestyles? I would venture to say, not many.

W h y ? Because despite the increasing divorce rate we live in a family-oriented culture. The United States values the traditional ideal of family life so highly it treats unmarried adults as

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undeveloped, immature, and incomplete, or, worse, as failures who cannot or will not take up or maintain a respectable and responsible family role.

Single adults (and they number 9 million) in the age group from twenty to thirty-four con- stitute one of the largest minorities in America. Yet, current law as well as public opinion clearly and irrationally discriminates against the unmar- ried. The pressure to escape this minority group keeps many people in destructive and unreward- ing marriages, and pushes others into marriage by making marriage the ultimate goal of male- female relationships.

Society questions the single person’s sense of responsibility, his or her desirability as an em- ployee, tenant, neighbor, customer, and even as a client. The prejudice against the single adult is evident when he or she attempts to establish credit in the business world, to buy insurance, to find housing, to fill out job application blanks, and in the prevailing social attitudes toward single parents raising children. Moreover, the stereotype of the unmarried woman is either as promiscuous or frigid, and the bachelor as in- dulging himself with heterosexual or homosexual pleasures.

Have you noticed how television - a power- ful communication medium - in its “family situation” serials avoids the reality of divorce? Even though one-parent families have dominated these features, the single parent or parent surro- gate is usually portrayed as a widow, widower, or adoptive parent. Think about programs such as “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”; “The Family Affair”; “The Partridge Family”; “The Brady Bunch.” Did your children ever ask you, or did you ever ask yourself when viewing “The Brady Bunch,” what happened to the missing parent from each of the two merged families? Are they dead or divorced? Why don’t the children ever talk about them? Not only are the parents who are missing in the story line not discussed, but other realistic considerations such as financial problems, rearing of children, and how to begin

a new social life as a single parent are avoided in “family situation” television programs.

In today’s world, we need to recognize the transcience, novelty, and diversity that are replac-

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In the initial stage of the grief process -denial - the newly unmarried or separated persons can- not comprehend fully the emotional investments they made then lost in a marriage they shared over a period of say, five, ten, fifteen, or twenty years. No matter how difficult the marriage, at one time there was meaning in the relationship for the persons involved. When going through this period, denial functions as a temporary de- fense against the shock of separation or divorce and the losses associated with it. Often those separated or divorced can be heard to say, “This can’t be happening to me - we just finished de-

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Psychiatric Care

signing and building a new home.” Or, “No, he didn’t leave me, he just took an get away for awhile. We’ll work it

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a, out, we always have.” An example of this kind of denial was expressed nationwide on first hearing of President Kennedy’s death. W e said, “That’s not possible in this country,” or “I don’t believe it.” Denial in the grief process is necessary to help one collect oneself and, with time, to mobilize other less radical defenses. The time it takes to stop denying and to begin looking at what is happening depends on past ways of coping with separation crises and also whether and to whom one goes for help.

This stage begins when denial ceases and the divorced partners are able to face the fact that the two of them cannot live together. Realization of this brings forth anger and hostility, much of which gets projected to the ex-spouse, who is often blamed for the failure of the marriage and for the unhappiness, confusion, hurt feelings, fears, and loneliness that result. Anger may also be expressed inwardly. When this happens, de- pression usually follows (the fourth phase of grieving).

A woman experiencing the realities of divorce has valid reasons for anger. Often there is little or no money for a while. It is difficult to obtain credit if one is separated or divorced, or legal struggles hold up decisions regarding money and property. Beside financial reasons and her social isolation, the decision to go to work, to move, or to take full responsibility for the care of children, places additional stress on the single woman. Lacking money, lacking directions in which to go, and sometimes feeling alienated from parents and friends, it is difficult for her to begin to put life back in order.

In marriage one had a job to perform or role established. For the woman it might have meant

feeding and caring for her husband, living with her husband, going out socially with him, taking care of their children, and entertaining his friends. Suddenly, she no longer has a defined job. Many of us can understand this if we think how we would react to losing our jobs. Where does one go and how does one go on to another role or job? It is not easy.

The situation may be reversed. The man may experience divorce as losing an important job, that of being financially responsible for his wife and children, playing with the children, helping make decisions in their growing up. Now alone, and without the role he has played for five, ten, or twenty years, he must establish a new role and an identity of his own which, at times, may bring back wishes that he were still married, even though in actuality this might not be a wise idea. Beginning over has many uncertainties. No long- er being in a marriage which, although unhappy, was certain, it is easier to recall the good and comfortable moments.

Society’s norm to be married is additional cultural pressure which may add to the anger, confusion, and hurt feelings one has of being on his or her own. Old friends sometimes become more distant after separation as they do not know how they should act or react to the divorced couple. They, themselves, may be afraid of di- vorce, consequently, do not come around as much, and when they do, talk in superficialities. Even parents often do not know what to do when their children separate or divorce, therefore avoid talking about it to them or anyone. If one is a woman, additional pressures may be felt owing not only to cultural attitudes toward the divorced woman, but to traditional attitudes toward women.

The third stage of the grieving process begins with bargaining. One can hear the divorced

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woman say: Maybe if I change some behaviors, my ex-spouse and I can make it together. Maybe I’m not a nothing, but I wonder who I am. I’m actually very satisfied with my new job and am now getting a promotion. Perhaps my ex-spouse will come back if I continue to feel good about myself and my job. He always said, he wished I would work. Bargaining goes on within herself, but in the meantime, she becomes less frightened of new responsibilities and makes new friends, some of whom are probably single and have different views of life to share.

oneself more. ) Also, she can begin to realize that marriage had both good and bad points. This does not mean she would want to return to the marriage, but that realistically she can see it

In stage four, depression, a person’s denial, anger, and rage are replaced with a sense and feeling of great loss. Depression is a difficult, but necessary stage for divorced people to go through. It is facing the reality that the emotional investment they made in a marriage is lost. They cannot continue to deny, use anger, or bargain. The marriage part of the relationship and what it meant to them has ended. The old roles or jobs which each spouse had are gone and the oId structure has broken down.

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The fourth stage prepares the person for the final and last stage - that of acceptance. The divorced persons have probably been living alone and are more aware of who they ate and what they want. Now it is possible to tell others one is divorced without going into details or hesitating to fill out application blanks to mark the space designated for separated/divorced people.

At this point, the divorced person, say the woman, begins to realize she likes herself, and out of this security can begin to like and care for others. (One becomes less angry as one likes

DISCUSSION

Divorce is a difficult and complex crisis which affords chances for emotional maturity, fosters independence, and reveals individual growth potentials. Nursing intervention can facilitate adjustment of divorced persons and families to new and more growth fulfilling lifestyles. Nurses can lend interpersonal support as their clients work through their grieving and put themselves back together with a broadened outlook on life.

First, nurses can help in the denial stage by listening and by articulating reality. Remember, when people deny, it is because they are fright- ened and feeling insecure. Pointing our reality helps the client to cope with whatever is being denied and also lets him or her know that you (the nurse) are not denying what is happening.

Stage two in the grief process can be an un- comfortable stage not only for the person ex- periencing the divorce but also for the nurse in the helping role. Divorced people are busy earn- ing a living, caring for their children, and build- ing new lifestyles to fit in with their new responsibilities, which add to the anger present at

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all its ramifications are accepted, feelings of disappointment at the dissolution of a marriage, although still present, may be eased.

this stage. To help the divorced person, the nurse must be comfortable with the expression of anger. It is important that she listen understand-

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Davis, Douglas, Newsweek, July 1, p. 11, 1974. Gardner, Richard, T h e Boys and Girls Book About

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Illinois: The Dorsey Press, 1967. Hunt, Morton M., T h e World of the Formerly

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Kubler, Ross, E., On Death and Dying, New York: The MacMillan Company, 1971.

Steinzor, Barnard, W h e n Parents Divorce, New York: Simon and Schuster, Inc., 1970.

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York: Von Rees Press, 1970.

Harper and Row Publishers, Inc., 1971.

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