Communicate to Influence

Support Materials

© Directory of Social Change 2015 cshimmin@dsc.org.uk 07967 027304

Assumptions & strategies to overcome them Assumptions we make Race Nationality Religion Political affiliation What you don’t say Where you live Position at work Where you work Qualifications Where you study Sexual orientation Family/children

Single/married Friends Experience Music & interests How others perceive the

person Reputation Appearance Gender Clothes Hair & make-up Weight

Age Facial expressions Body language Tone of voice Accent Feelings/mood Hobbies Confidence/networking Beliefs Background Ethnicity Disability

Strategies to overcome these assumptions Be aware of making assumptions Accept you are making assumptions Challenge your assumptions Check before acting on it Change your reaction Understand your reaction is only one possibility Ignore your assumptions, give space Act professionally Observe other people successful encounters

and learn their winning strategies Have an open mind Don’t make mind up on first impressions Listen actively

Don’t stereotype Be aware people will behave diff in diff

situations – as you do Don’t look with favour because they are like

you – or vice versa Be influenced by positive as well as negative Be non judgemental Do not jump to conclusion Take note of your situation, that you are

responding from your own perception Understand that what you value might be

similar to what someone else values, but the way you show it might be different

Ask Questions

© Directory of Social Change 2015 cshimmin@dsc.org.uk 07967 027304

Communication style test explanations

Indirect People oriented Feeling

Direct Task oriented Thinking

Optmistic Extraverted

Pessimistic Introverted

Look for result

Motivated by challenge

What

Look for data

Motivated by procedures

Why

Who

Motivated by experience

Look for fun/experience

How

Motivated by appreciation

Look for trust/security

Characteristicso Fun

o Enthusiastico Optimistic

o Unstructuredo Can be mischievous

o Forms opinions from feelingso People-oriented

Possible approacheso Use humour

o Talk about feelingso Be passionate

o Focus on the positiveo Explain the why

o Don’t take topic too seriously

Characteristicso Niceo Can be slow to changeo Avoids confrontation and conflicto Wants harmonyo Likes to know motivationso IntuitivePossible approacheso Take interest in them as peopleo Establish rapporto Speak calmlyo Focus on people o Talk about ‘gut’ feelingso Explain the why

Characteristicso Direct

o Results-orientedo Loves change and challenge

o Decides quicklyo Risk taker

o Seeks solutionso Can be hasty

Possible approacheso Be direct and to the point

o Focus on the new and excitingo Mix facts and feelings

o Focus on actionso Keep the how/whys brief

o Acknowledge desire for speedy

Characteristicso Logicalo Decides after evaluationo Wants appreciation for job done –

but does not want to be condescended to

o More concerned with ideas and principles than people

o May be self-criticalPossible approacheso Acknowledge skillo Present facts and informationo Present ideas logicallyo Speak calmlyo Avoid over-emotiono Focus on benefits

Understanding communication & learning styles

Using NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming Processing Order (Representation System)

Visual Auditory Kinesthetic

Common Characteristics

They memorise by seeing pictures, and are less distracted by noise. They often have trouble remembering verbal instructions because their mind tends to wander.

They typically are easily distracted by noise. They can repeat things back to you easily, learn by listening, like music, and like to talk on the phone.

They often talk slowly. They respond to physical rewards, and touching. They memorise by doing or walking through something.

Commonly used words

SeeLook

AppearViewShow

ImagineCrystallise

HearListenSound

Tune in/outClick

Ring a bell

FeelTouch

Touch baseGet hold of

ComfortableCatch on

Play, Together

Questions that engage each communication style.

Do you see what I mean?

Are you getting the Picture?

How does this look so far?

How does this sound so far?

This sound OK?

Is this clicking with everyone?

Does this feel OK?

Is this comfortable?

Getting a Handle on this?

Ending Round Robin - The Importance of Wrapping up.

What was your highlight?

What became clear for you today?

What idea did you hear that you liked today?

What do you feel you learned today?

What will you use in the future?

Adapted from original document© Copyright 1999-2004 All rights reserved Michael Losier and Linda Storey

How to persuade and influence

So, it’s all just about getting what you want?No, but it might be about how you get what you want. Persuading and influencing is part of our everyday communication. In our words, actions and gestures we all consciously or sub consciously persuade and influence. It’s about seeking positive outcomes

Is it about influencing onions then?Hmmm … if you imagine people are just like onions with a ‘heart and soul’ in the middle and personal layers of values, attitudes and beliefs, feelings and behaviour.

Can I assume then that if I know how they behave, then I ‘have their measure’. Definitely not, certain values do not equal certain behaviour. Be aware of the following to avoid

making assumptions:-o Don’t make your mind up on first impressionso Listen actively o Don’t stereotypeo Be aware people will behave differently in different situations – as you doo Don’t look with favour because they are like you – or vice versao Be influenced by the positive as well as the negativeo Be non judgemental.

So what can I do?Acknowledge that people have different influences and therefore different styles. Always start with the other person – their perspective, needs, wants, desires.Be sure of the facts and state the facts – but do not ignore the feelings.Check for understanding – both ways.Learn and choose appropriate approaches and responses.Be consistent and congruent in putting across your message – people hate double standards. They will see through the Ivory Tower syndrome and where your body language belies your words.Most importantly - if what you’re doing isn’t working, change your approach.

So if I do the talking and say the right things – that should do it?Don’t be so sure. Effective listening with a considered response is a far better guarantee. Similarly, when you are talking, be aware of how others are listening – what are they seeing, hearing, feeling, remembering and associating – what expectations do they have?Good listeners get listened to – because they help to build rapport.

But really ‘difficult’ people – there’s no point in bothering – you get nowhere!Most days – for most people – our everyday people skills do just fine. We might occasionally make mistakes or overreact or say the wrong thing and have to say sorry later – that’s just part of being human and fallible. But most days it’s ‘good enough’.However, it must be acknowledged that we will all at sometime meet with people with whom we feel we will ‘never get anywhere’. What counts is that you do what you can, you do your best and if it isn’t good enough – let this one go – go home and kiss your partner, walk the dog, cuddle the kids or watch Richard and Judy. Bottom line – you can change your ways and it can be a huge factor in helping you communicate with others - but you can’t change other people. Top Tip - Don’t make it personal, don’t take it personally!

Understanding what makes people tick – The Human Onion!

Values Built throughout life, primarily childhood – little control

Influenced by parents – friends, teachers, strangers, media.

Attitudes & Beliefs Directly from values How we judge and

evaluate people and situations.

Feelings Influence by attitudes and beliefs. If situation/person validates our

Belief we feel good. If not we feelthreatened or uncomfortable.

Behaviours Response to emotions (feelings)

The layer we CAN control

To influence others it helps to know what makes them tick. Avoid the trap of assumptions and truly consider the ‘basis’ of the person, who they are, what they like, how they like to communicate. When we build a relationship we are in a much stronger position to influence a win/win outcome, avoid conflict and maintain the relationship in the longer term.

Primarily, if the communication you are engaging in is failing, try new ways to reach more positive results. Of course there will always be someone with whom we just don’t have any success – what we need to keep in mind is where we can and where we cannot influence change.

Five Tips for communicating with influence Look beyond the immediate behaviour of the person – seek out meaning and feelings behind words and actions. Approach the communication being clear on what outcomes are desired – by all involved – and where flexibility is

possible – on either side. Look for areas of mutual agreement, mutual desire, common ground - and build on these rather than the

differences. Engage in communication which is appealing to the other person while still being open and sincere. Try different

approaches to get attention. Beware of the five E’s of listening – ears, eyes, experience, emotion, expectation – and find ways to overcome

these barriers both when talking and listening

Seven Steps to E’sy Listening

Active Listening

Active listening means understanding the real meaning behind the words. So rather than simply hearing the words, an active listener would work to be clear about what the speaker is saying: his / her sincerity; the topic; the complexities and the completeness.

As this is hard to do, when listening, it will help if we use our spare mental capacity to do the following:

Maintain eye contact without staring Look interested by learning slightly forward and by facial expression Using encouraging responses such as nodding, agreeing where you can, ‘I see’, ‘I understand’ Asking Questions:

- for further information on the topic being discussed- for clarification- for repetition

Summarising and Testing Understanding Suspending Judgement

It is important to listen to what the other person has to say and not letting barriers get in the way so that you can consider ideas put forward with an open mind.

Effective Listening

L Look interested

I Inquire/enquire with questions

S Stay on target

T Test understanding

E Evaluate the message

N Neutralise your feelings

Listening and Engagement Skills

To listen more effectively

Make eye contact Don’t interrupt

Don’t talk over Don’t finish their sentences Remove – or acknowledge – any audio or visual distractions Be ‘present’ – quiet your mind Look out for visual cues and clues – non verbal behaviours Paraphrase back to the talker to check your understanding Check – by asking – the intended meaning of words the talker uses – don’t assume your

understanding is the correct interpretation Be open to new ideas and experiences rather than assuming the past dictates the future Prepare yourself and your environment to be conducive to listening

To engage others when you want them to listen

Summarise regularly any key points Know your audience and adapt to suit – language, timing, emotion, detail, approach Provide information in step by step digestible chunks Minimise distractions – check the ‘comfort’ of the listener Plan what you’ll say – avoid launching in on a whim and a prayer. Think about the open,

the key points you need to make and the close Think about how you say it – pauses, tone and intonation, emphasis, peaks and troughs,

non verbal gestures Choose or lose jargon depending on the audience and how they will receive it Talk their language Show them the benefits to them Use and allow silences so that the listener can reflect and consider their response Use visual supports to illustrate key points Use evidence/source if you are providing/presenting facts and stats

Questioning

Effective questioning is essential.

Use open questions - good questions to use ask start with

‘WHAT?’ ‘WHEN?’

‘HOW MUCH/HOW MANY?’ ‘WHO?’ ‘WHERE?’ ‘TELL ME ABOUT’

Use probing questions to gain understanding. Are you saying You mentioned ‘x’ – can you tell me more about that You referred to ‘x’ – who/what is that? What are your thoughts/feelings/views on this so far?

Link questions – useful to move people on from a point ‘THAT’S REALLY USEFUL, I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE ON AND DISCUSS . . . ‘

Comparison questions – useful for if you are getting conflicting messages from your ‘report’.‘As i understood it, last time we met you said . . . . now the situation is . . . could you please explain the difference so I am clear with what has happened?’

Be positive and constructive, do not be aggressive or negative.

Focus on future and solutions, not problems and the past

Avoid using some types of questions

Be careful when using ‘WHY?’ It can come across as negative

Closed questions e.g yes/no responses don’t allow conversations to open up. They can however be useful to confirm details

Avoid asking multiple questions as they can cause confusion or you only the get the answer to the first or last question

Clear and Confident Messages

Managing the MessageBe clear on the message you want to give. Be specific and to the point. Don’t give long pre-ambles – it makes people nervous – and may show your anxiety or lack of confidence.Use facts and evidence based information. Acknowledge potential feelings and responses – though don’t assume them.Be clear and honest about any negative factors and use these factors to highlight the need for future motivation/commitment/action.

Acknowledge that in the real world ‘things do go wrong’ and people/things do move on. “Failure is not falling down, but staying down”.Don’t try to wing it. Really think it through and practice out loud how different words, phrases and tones sound.

Managing the impactEnsure that the timing and conditions are right. Who needs to know what, when and how will you communicate it.Do certain people need to hear the message at the same time. Should some people hear the message before others. Anticipate responses – or reactions! Consider how you will manage them.Be prepared to listen, answer questions, offer support if appropriate.Set the tone letting people know whether you are having a conversation, whether you are briefing them and they can reply, whether you are briefing them and there won’t be opportunity to reply (should be rare if ever) or whether you are giving them information on a need to know basis.

Managing your deliveryConsider the communication style preferences of those receiving the message and pitch accordingly. You may need to think about the proportion of facts, emotional impacts, ways forward etc. contained in the message.Use confident behaviours:Be ‘to the point’. Don’t waffle and ramble.Maintain eye contact with individuals. ‘Roam’ eye contact in groups.Do you need to stand, sit, roam around – whichever, ensure your body language is still, expressive where necessary, ‘open’ and mostly, congruent with the words you are saying.Use ‘I’ or ‘we’ statements as appropriate.You may need to open on a serious note but finish with words of motivation – ensure your tone and words communicate this.Keep your head up right, your eyes focussed, your body and hands and feet still and your voice at the right volume in the right tone.Finally, don’t remove your personality from the message – you risk trust!

Seven things to consider when dealing with conflict

1 Conflict Happens Disagreement is an essential part of team

work If a team does not have strong feelings and

emotions but relies simply on facts it is a less intelligent team (see Daniel Goleman on Emotional Intelligence)

The best decision makers use both facts and feelings.

2 Clarify Expectations

Is the team clear what its purpose is? Do you have ground rules governing

behaviours? Have you talked about how to

depersonalise conflict? Is everyone clear about the level of

authority / decision-making / accountability of others within the team?

Do you have a structured way of dealing with discussions?

Are performance expectations clearly defined and understood by everyone?

3 Identify the Type of Conflict Is it personal to the individual which is

hampering their ability to be part of the team?

Is it conflict between individuals? Is it conflict with the whole team? Is it conflict between several individuals? Is it conflict with someone or group outside

the team?

4 Identify the Team Needs Situation – what is the problem to be

solved? Options - What are the possible solutions? Long term consequences – what would

resolve the problem? Victory – what would a positive result look

like? Execute – Carry out the actions required.

5 Depersonalise the conflictCreate the environment for solution by getting the team to address the following: What happened/is happening? What were/are the consequences (facts

and feelings) What would/will it take to move on?

6 Structure the Discussion Let each person have their say. Engage neutral team members to reflect on

areas of agreement and disagreement. Explore areas of disagreement to identify

specific issues. Have opponents suggest modifications to

their own points of view as well as others. If you can’t get agreement – go for

alignment.

7 Key Questions for resolving conflict What are we trying to accomplish as a

team? What are each of our roles and

responsibilities in accomplishing it? Who and when and what information do

we need? If we get into trouble who can help us? How will we arrive at decisions? What strengths do we bring to establishing

our goals?

How do we make ourselves more accessible to each other?

What are we doing that is blocking resolution to this problem?

How can we express differences without blaming others?

What behaviours are unproductive? How can we help individuals to take

ownership of their behaviour? Challenge unhelpful behaviours

Collaborate to Influence – Class of Feb 2014

These are the statements previous DSC classes identified as being collaborative and influencing behaviours. You can use these as a self-assessment, scoring yourself 1(low) to 10(high) on how well you do at each. Once you have scored, identify some action you can take around each area for improvement.

I target the message well and clearly I clarify my vision to myself and share it with others in a way that is digestible for

them I invite feedback from others on my own behaviours and actions I listen effectively, silencing the inner talk and being present for others I am generous with my time and clarify to others when I am and am not available I come to meetings and discussions prepared and ready I consider my own role within the team acknowledging my strengths and areas for

improvement I consider and acknowledge the role and contributions others bring to the team I ask effective questions, purposeful and free from judgement. I reflect on my own practices and behaviours and identify areas form

improvement I provide information clearly enabling others to make informed decisions and

choices I am open to change and prepared to see and hear new ways of doing things I recognise different personalities and adapt communication style I look for common ground to build rapport, share interests and seek solutions I focus on the cause/need in the situation not my own position or gain within it I prepare myself for meetings or presentation through practice and ‘dry runs’ I consider the needs and concerns of all stakeholders, aiming for a win win for all

outcome I develop my ‘gift of the gab’ ensuring that I articulate what I mean in a way that

will land well. I am sincere in my feedback, expressions and opinions I used evidence based facts to back up propositions or ideas. I own up to mistakes or miscalculations and move myself and others forward

© Directory of Social Change 2015 cshimmin@dsc.org.uk Communicating to influence

A Word to the Wise

All I ever needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.

Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand box at nursery school.

These are the things I learned …

Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you are sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw some and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday.

Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out in the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why. We are like that.

And then remember that book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK! Everything you need to know is there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology, and politics and the sane living.

Think of what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true; no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Robert Fulghum

© Directory of Social Change 2015 cshimmin@dsc.org.uk Communicating to influence