David Miller

Circle Square Triangle fragments of an autobiography

parts 1-3

otata’s bookshelf

Circle Square Triangle fragments of an autobiography

parts 1-3

David Miller

otata’s bookshelf

Circle Square Triangle Copyright © 2019 David Miller

Cover painting copyright © 2019 David Millerotata’s bookshelf

https://otatablog.wordpress.com/otatahaiku@gmail.com

Circle Square Triangle

for Dodo, with love

Part One

~ 9 ~

1

I was passing by the old house& my mother came out & saw me

“it’s you isn’t it?” she said“you can’t come in she wouldn’t let you

she hates you”yes my sister hated me

& my mother was dead

elongatedpreternaturally tall & thin

but her facewas her face

~ 10 ~

a neighbours’ sonbroke his legs diving

whilea former school friend

racing a motorcarcrashed

& then diedin a coma

one I didn’t likehe tore the feathers

off live birds

the other I didthese my contemporaries

O yes amongst othersI hated & those I loved

~ 11 ~

did I hate?perhaps

dislikedistrust

disapprovalat any rate

~ 12 ~

hated? I

hated howpeople behaved

& also whatthey believed

sometimes &sometimes it seemed

impossible & sometimesagain

possible

in the straits

~ 13 ~

sinews & wirewire could just be wire? no

through & past & back

through the brakes & bulrushes

a mask I wore(it was wartime)

cornbrakes

cinematic(dream)

buntingflapping

in wind

~ 14 ~

2

“what doesn’t further love’s causeis loveless

& at best a hindrance”

ah but I telephoned& telephoned

& telephonedfrom stations stations

near parks& from the house

& it all it all it allwas broadsided

or hit bya sidewinder or

imploded & ex-

~ 15 ~

cigarette in her mouthas she searched amongst books

for me I mean for whatI’d asked

– someone tipped wineonto his head

from an upstairs windowhe was a poet

of course

~ 16 ~

strayings...

for life... be life be alive

& death beckons

~ 17 ~

I diedfor love

& yet hereyou are

trains cars taxismotorbikes buses

let’s say a Russiandeath

but for nowthrown out of every

watering holein the city

& evenelsewhere

~ 18 ~

let’s say a chance meeting

between a straw bonnet& a jar of pickles

on a mortuary slab?

or with a carving knife thrown in?

– “has anyone said you’re Pre-Raphaelite?” I asked

thinking of Lizzie Siddalin Rossetti’s paintings

“oh everyone says that”

– I didn’t have a straw bonnetnor a jar of pickles

nor a carving knife

& certainly nota mortuary slab

not evena hospital bed

~ 19 ~

“don’t pray for the animalsask that they should be able

to pray for us”

after I’d gone to a meetingto pray for animals

yes

I stood on the parapetafterwards

afterwardslooking out over the city

a mild evening but some winda bereaved woman

& I so hopelessto say anything

~ 20 ~

trying to get homethrough seemingly

endless streets& drunken crowds

so latetransport’s stopped

yet research librariesstill open

& you could unlockodd doors

leading to towerswith bibliographers

& also toiletsfor those caught

in the night

~ 21 ~

strange mealspasta & salad

for instance

why strange?incongruous

I was leaving

~ 22 ~

3

no likingor sadness

certainly

for the skinheadswho pummelled

& kicked me& a friend

out of pure spite

“oh the poor young men”so a benighted neighbour

“what terrible backgroundsthey must have”

no sorrow for themno sorrow for her

miserablemisplaced

& mindlesssympathy I

would spewyou out

~ 23 ~

I rememberyes ribs kicked

& glassesscooped up

afterwards

~ 24 ~

in Singaporein a Hindu temple

a shenai player& a hand drummer

so good my jawdropped

& pimps & prostitutesoutside the door

of my hotel

~ 25 ~

table tennison the ship

& I reading W S Graham

& then laterin London

Grahamso drunk

I was embarrassedsilly young man

sought him laterin Madron

without luck

but Cornsh folksaid

when I was writing a postcard“say they need to send you money”

I was longhaired sure

~ 26 ~

Notting Hill aprostitute

my neighbour yesmy neighbour? yes

came to the doorlate at night

so drunk her daughter later

scaffolding asart

“please play with me”the daughter ah no

impossibleas

~ 27 ~

did anyone saychronology?

that it featured?

my downstairsneighbours

dead & their flatdemolished

making wayfor the young rich

~ 28 ~

so drunkas to fall down

collapsein the doorway

~ 29 ~

4

“a basketin the water”

(& Inot)

~ 30 ~

religiousedu-

cat-ion

& strappings& slaps

to the head

(bulrushes& water)

~ 31 ~

5

a dance or at leastjazz & my older female friend took me there

music playing & older girls dancing

“boy” a girl said earlier much earlier an older girl

“would you like a jam doughnut?”

how delicious what she didn’t want sprinkled with icing sugar

~ 32 ~

the hotelin central London

I’ve stayed inso often

it doesn’t exist

~ 33 ~

basilon the window sill

~ 34 ~

a fledglingsea gull

out on the grassall afternoon

& even eveningin heavy rain

in the same spotin our garden

tried feeding ittried lead-

ing itto

somewhere outof the rain

to no avail

& another I sawin the alcove

of a shop frontin central Bridport

ah equallyso lost

~ 35 ~

we fed the fledglingsardines mackerel & bread

I even stroked its feathersthat first night

so cold & wet

& now it’s flown

~ 36 ~

dragonflies& red admirals

& cabbage whites& green

woodpeckers

– but what were the booksI consulted

& what were the mealswe had?

I & thoseothers

~ 37 ~

circle square triangle“is there nothing else?

perhaps nothing”

orrectangle

trianglecircle

overlapped tri-angle

& circle

I ground my own inkfrom ink sticks

but my friendthe collagist

stuck paper down

after words

~ 38 ~

a blue circleto what

avail?

clouds scuddingwaters bloodied

trees scuddingin ink

& winein exile

& I?

Part Two

~ 41 ~

1.

she had her granddaughter with her when she called

at my sister’s home“I’m your brother’s friend” she said

– birds fly & land herespaceships will for my sister

& take her far awaywhen all else is destroyed

vindication yesor spectral

delusion

~ 42 ~

at my mother’smemorial

service

at a localLutheran

church

poet friendsattended &

one read

musician friendsplayed

– & now a poettells me

to buy & preparelunch

for a visitingpoet

(American)

& everyone has a grantwhile I

pay my own feesat this dream

university

~ 43 ~

latelunar

neighbourhood

– harmwas done

daughteragainst mother

through torment

~ 44 ~

mirroror glass

an agonyeither

waya

statisticyes a box

to be ticked yes

while tormentrages

& harm’sirrevocably

done

~ 45 ~

death

~ 46 ~

2.

no decorationno

elaborationno

~ 47 ~

persuasion &power

or

the languageof poverty

renunciationall

I never

agreed to nor aspiredto

never a slavenever a master

~ 48 ~

goodbye

~ 49 ~

4.

the schoolfor non-violence

had long since gone

idols?images?

Iwanted

to speak

~ 50 ~

it was Londonin the early 70s

I met paintersI met poets

how lost I was& how lost

I continued

& now? Iaddress

& redress

how many failingshow much to be redressed

dressedundressed

– lookinto

your ownhuman

& sometimesmerciless

eyes

to learncharity

~ 51 ~

& poverty’s scarcely a virtue for the poor

where wealth rules?

scarcely

rule &non-rule

virtue is

opposed to power?

poorvirtue?

povertywhere power

rules

~ 52 ~

easy for the richor the comfortable

you could sayto admire the poor

understandablealso

for the poorto admire the rich

& the comfortableor

sometimesat least envy

in either casewhen it suits them

or is thiscynical? I ask

the poor have less& more to lose

but I ask the deadwith temerity

& with trembling

I ask the dead

~ 53 ~

circle square triangle

could it be

square circle triangle?triangle square circle?

circle square triangleyes

~ 54 ~

lipped

to what

lips?

given (1) the circle(2) the square

(3) the triangle

she kissedher kist

I wrotein my teens

to bere-

minded

Part Three

~ 57 ~

1.

the mirror blankin a gallery so

rich I wondered whyI was there

reflectionimage

occludedobscured by clouds

assky by clouds

am I there?I

must write thiswith my life’s blood?

no not clouded

the mirror’sblank

the divinepage

~ 58 ~

2.

you made the filmmy dear friend

& sent it to me

I watched it& watched it

the old housethe neighbourhood

the streetsthe houses

ordo amoris

I watched it& watched it

& now I cannot

~ 59 ~

the first tearthe second tear

the third tearthe

sheettears

tears& then

dissolves

~ 60 ~

cir-cles

inter-linked

anend-

ing

~ 61 ~

hedgehogmouse

sparrowpigeon

dunnockstarlimg

orI must decide

which books to take& how to shower

& even piss

in this univers-

ity

that at nightI must attend

& travelby bus

to get there

~ 62 ~

the earth the ground

~ 63 ~

& whatmight succeed us?

us?(a different

us)or

otheranimals?

hedgehogsdwindling

here in Bridport

starlingsseldom seen

exceptat West Bay

~ 64 ~

different? perhapsbut do we really

become better? not I’d say

on the whole – try as some do

someone’s sister may be madbut also vicious

& her spaceships – rescuing

from this doomed world

would accept herthough she’s cruel to old women & dumb creatures

& unrepentant

~ 65 ~

3

Basil Bunting’s old homecould have been mine

Ric Caddel’srecommendation

– poets

Northumberland notwhere I ended up

oh I did need a home& the offer was there

no job thoughno money

& I couldn’t

but London?dream

indream

the streets

art galleriestemples

& recital halls

& no jobno money

~ 66 ~

even thoughBunting’s home

was on a newsuburban

housing estate

where he felt isolated— slave barracks he wrote

at least no bloodfrom sacrifices

spattered on market foodnothing

but boiled wheatwith sugar

to eat

~ 67 ~

a red towel & yes a ring

blackbirds splashing – frenetic

in the birdbathin the rain

pampas grasshigh & luxuriant

wavingin wind & rain

~ 68 ~

rain continuinglate into night

rooftops

doorsstairs

& roomsI’ve lived in

shall I again?no

exceptfor this

thisin sleep

this folly

of return

where roomsopen to keys

are now occupiedby others

~ 69 ~

never prepared

norunprepared

yet married& it’s autumn

brushes held & deployedink & water

cascades

or a mural I’d paintedabove a friend’s bed

– Melbourne

wash basins with soapthree

& a spray of water

water’sflow

hands &eyes & nose & lips & chin

stutterof sight

red towel& ring

~ 70 ~

circle square triangle is an ongoing project. Parts 1-2 previously appeared on the STRIDE website, thanks to editor Rupert Loy-dell.