www.parentcircle.in 17

his self-esteem. Children interpret their parents’ reactions as personal attacks and resent that,” says M Vasuki, a counselling psychologist.

Overindulgent parents may shield their children from failure. Such protected children are less capable of dealing with hard times, says Dr Wendy Mogel in her book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. She calls them ‘teacups’ as when in trouble, they ‘chip like a teacup’.

“Our educational system, which does not allow a child till Class VIII to fail, is also at fault. In Class IX, some children realise that they have to catch up with their lessons. So they crumble under pressure,” says Chennai-based counsellor Sangeeta Mahesh.

HOW YOU CAN HELP Only you can help your child cope with failure. So, where do you begin? Start with a few of these ideas.

Love your child unconditionally. “Assure them of your love so that they do not correlate your affection with their ability to do things to your satisfaction. This is the best thing that parents can do,” says Vasuki.

Have realistic expectations. You may want your child to become another AR Rahman. But it is more important to just let the child be, to joyfully explore the synthesizer and create tunes for himself, and to develop in his own way.

Be a role model. “Failures are momentary. Help your child get back to his feet. And be a firm, fair and friendly parent. If parents cope capably with their failures (financial, career-related, physical illness or marital troubles), children will automatically know 8

assume a life of their own when you turn investigator: “We got you the best running shoes. Then, why did you lose the race?”, or “What makes you stammer in front of our guests”?

You forget that children are sensitive. You see failure in your child, and you panic, get angry. You think of the money and time spent shuttling them from art classes to private tuitions to piano lessons and fear more ‘disasters’.

WHY WE VIEW FAILURE AS ‘BAD’ Your child believes now that if he fails, he will disappoint you, or that it makes his friends like him a little less. “Parents convey the message to a child that being loved depends on his being successful. Parental rejection is a child’s biggest fear. To avoid that, children even contemplate suicide,” says Sugami Ramesh, a clinical psychologist at Apollo Hospital, Bangalore.

The parents of Keerthana (16) are doctors who own a private hospital near Hyderabad. They want her to study medicine as ‘she has to manage our hospital.’ Keerthana has recurring nightmares about failing in the medical entrance exams. Says Keerthana,“If I fail to become a doctor, my parents will be ashamed of me.”

Did failure always scare us? Not really. Babies love to try new things, blissfully unaware of success or failure. Imagine a toddler learning to walk. He falls, gets up and falls again. But he never calls it quits.

“Your encouraging words and happy face are the clues that tell your toddler that he is on the right track. But with time, most parents criticise or ridicule their child when he fails, thus damaging

A failed marriage, almost homeless, living on state benefits, a baby in tow and

unemployment– a perfect recipe for disaster, right? But when JK Rowling found herself in that situation, she was inspired to write the first Harry Potter novel that took the world of children’s literature by storm. “It taught me things about myself that I could never have learnt otherwise,” says the writer who is now richer than the British Queen.

Apple founder Steve Jobs, who gave the world the iPod, iPhone and iPad, once spoke about his three setbacks – dropping out of college, being fired from his own company, and being diagnosed with cancer – that pushed him to greater heights.

Though parents regularly come across such stories, the message usually escapes them. You probably wrote essays on ‘Failure is the best teacher’ or helped your child write why ‘Failure is the stepping stone to success.’ But when your child fails, you behave in two distinct ways. You add to his misery by being very critical, forgetting that occasionally situations go terribly wrong in your life as well. Or you rush in with your comforting presence, not allowing him to fend for himself. Either way, you send one message: that pain and disappointment are best avoided.

Failure is not restricted to low grades. Losing in the inter-school cricket match, forgetting one’s lines at the school play or not making it to the quiz team – these may seem to be failures of a lesser kind. But in a child’s world, they are big setbacks.

They wonder: “Why doesn’t Mom get me a laptop?” or “Why wasn’t I made the Princess?” Their doubts

To read more SUBSCRIBE to

Parent CircleFor the Parent in You!