anger management

A Guide to Assertive Behavior

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Anger Management

Anger isn’t always bad

But if anger is handled poorly, it can be harmful

What is Anger?

Anger is a feeling of displeasure or hostility

Anger is a warning bell that tells you something is wrong in a situation

Anger is an unpleasant emotion, but it’s also a normal healthy emotion

Anger is a natural response to perceived threats

Anger becomes a problem only when you don’t manage it in a healthy way

Components of Anger:

Your emotions This component of anger involves feelings such as sadness, disappointment or frustration

Your body Anger can cause physical signs and symptoms, such as muscle tension, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure as your body releases adrenaline – the fight-or-flight hormone

Your thinking How you think can cause or worsen anger, or it can help you cope with it in a healthy way.

For Example:

Your anger may be fueled by thoughts that the world is out to get you, or that your partner “never” does what you ask

A healthy response is to acknowledge that it’s OK to be frustrated, and look for solutions instead of focusing only on what’s wrong

So it’s Not “Bad” to feel Angry?

No, being angry isn’t always a bad or negative thing

Being angry can motivate people to listen to your concerns

It can prevent others from walking all over you

What Causes People to Become Angry?

People today are faced with multiple stressors –

Bills

Drugs

Peer pressure

Racial conflicts

Health care issues

War

There’s a lot of stress in society in general and in our personal lives as well

What Causes People to Become Angry?

There are so many reasons such as being unheard, ignored, sad, frustrated or disrespected

Also, if you were taught that being angry is a negative thing, you may not have learned how to express anger appropriately

So your frustrations simmer and make you miserable, or buildup until you explode into an angry outburst

There are Two Basic Reactions to Anger:

1. Expression This is the act of conveying your anger. Expression occurs along a continuum, from having a reasonable, rational discussion to erupting into out-of-control violence. It’s the difference between talking to someone calmly and physically assaulting them

2. Suppression This is an attempt to hold in or ignore your anger. You may think you shouldn’t be angry or that you’ll lose control if you let yourself feel any anger

Suppression of Anger

The danger in this passive approach is that you may not protect yourself when the need arises

You may also become passive-aggressive, where you don’t express your anger assertively or directly but scheme to retaliate because you haven’t learned how to express anger constructively

Expression of Anger

Expressing yourself in an assertive – not an aggressive – manner is the healthiest approach to handling anger

Being assertive means that you state your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them

How to Be More Assertive

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE ASSERTIVE?

How to Be More Assertive:

Let’s start by defining what it is not

Being assertive does not mean being aggressive

Assertive behavior is not hostile, blaming, threatening, demanding, or sarcastic

Assertiveness differs from aggression in that standing up for yourself does not trespass on the rights of others

Assertiveness means communicating what you want in a clear manner, respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others

Assertiveness

Being assertive is an honest and appropriate expression of one’s feelings, opinions, and needs

Assertiveness is also often associated with positive self-esteem and a better self-image

Out-of-control anger is a learned behavior, so you have to unlearn it

It may help to get counseling or to take an anger management class to help change your response to frustrating situations

Does Everyone Need an Anger Management Class or Counseling?

Not everyone who gets angry needs an anger management class or counseling

You may get ticked off that your television remote control doesn’t work and throw it across the room

Do you have an anger management issue if that’s about the extent of your anger, and how to keep your anger under control?

Do You Need an Anger Management Class or Counseling?

If your anger regularly causes you to do things you regret, hurts those around you, or is taking a toll on your personal relationships, or

If you have run-ins with the police, you physically harm someone, people are afraid of your reactions, or you try to intimidate someone with your anger, you definitely need help controlling your anger

You may benefit from an anger management class, counseling or both

Can Anger Harm Your Health?

There is some evidence that inappropriately expressing anger can be harmful to your health

Whether you’re overly passive and keep your anger pent up, whether you’re prone to violent outbursts, or whether you’re quietly seething with rage, you may have headaches, sleep difficulties, high blood pressure or digestive problems

There’s even some evidence that stress and hostility related to anger can lead to heart attacks

How to Be More Assertive

HOW DO YOU BECOME MORE ASSERTIVE?

How Do You Become More Assertive?

1. Develop a value and belief system, which allows you to assert yourself. In other words, give yourself permission to be angry, to say ”No”, to ask for help, and to make mistakes. Avoid using tag questions. (“It’s really hot today, isn’t it?”), disclaimers (“I may be wrong, but . . “), and question statements (“Won’t you close the door?”) all lessen the perceived assertiveness of speech


2. Resist giving into interruptions until you have completed your thoughts. (Instead, say – “Just a moment, I haven’t finished.”)

3. Stop self limiting behaviors, such as smiling too much, nodding too much, tilting your head, or dropping your eyes in response to another person’s gaze

4. When saying “No”, be decisive. Explain why you are refusing but don’t be overly apologetic


5. Use “I want” or “I feel” statements. Acknowledge the other person’s situation or feelings followed by a statement in which you stand up for your rights. e.g., “I know you’re X, but I feel . . . “

6. Maintain direct eye contact, keep you posture open and relaxed, be sure your facial expression agrees with the message, and keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice


7. Use “I” language (this is especially useful for expressing negative feelings.) “I” language helps you focus your anger constructively and to be clear about your own feelings. For example:

When you do (Behavior)

The effects are (Results)

I feel (Emotion)

Remember: Stick to the first person, and avoid “you are”


8. Listen and let people know you have heard what they said. Ask questions for clarification

9. Practice! Enlist the aid of friends and family and ask for feedback. Tackle less anxiety-evoking situations first. Build up your assertiveness muscle. Don’t get discouraged if you behave non-assertively. Figure out where you went astray and how to improve your handling of the situation next time. Reward yourself each time you’ve pushed yourself to be assertive regardless of whether or not you get the desired results

Ask

(verb) To put a question to:

(verb) To seek an answer to: ask a question

(verb) To seek information about: asked directions

(verb) To make a request of: asked me for a loan

(verb) To make a request for. Often used with an infinitive or clause: ask a favor of a friend, asked to go along on the trip, asked that he be allowed to stay out late

(verb) To make inquiry; seek information

(verb)To make a request; asked for help

Commend

From Latin commendare (“to praise”).

1. (verb) To congratulate or reward

2. (verb) To praise or acclaim

3. (verb) To entrust or commit to the care of someone else

Commendatory

Serving to commend or compliment; complimentary

Compliment

(noun) An expression of praise, congratulation or encouragement

(verb) to compliment, to pay a compliment; to express a favorable opinion

Passive-Aggressive Behavior: How Can I Recognize it?

SYMPTOMS OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of expressing your negative feelings in an indirect way – instead of openly addressing them


People who are passive-aggressive appear to agree with the requests of others

They may even seem enthusiastic about them

But they don’t perform a requested action on time or in a useful way, and may even work against it

In other words, they use nonverbal behavior to express anger or resentment that they can’t express verbally

An example is showing up very late to a meeting that you didn’t really want to attend and then making up excuses for your lateness that deflect attention from the real reason you were late

Signs and Symptoms of Passive-Aggressive Behavior Include:

Resentment and opposition to the demands of others

Complaining about feeling underappreciated or cheated

Procrastination

Stubbornness

Inefficiency

Memory lapses

Sullenness

Irritability

Cynical Attitude


Although passive-aggressive behavior can be a feature of some psychiatric disorders, it isn’t considered a mental illness

Researchers are studying how to classify habitual and problematic behaviors such as passive-aggressiveness

If such behavior is troublesome or interferes with your relationships or daily activities, consult a therapist who can help you identify and change the behavior

Summary of Behaviors:

Passive Assertive Aggressive

Honest Honest Dishonest

Indirect Direct Direct or Indirect

Sometimes Socially Acceptable

Socially Acceptable NOT Socially Acceptable

Awfulize

(verb) To imagine (something) to be as bad as it can possibly be: one way to make yourself miserable is awfulizing a situation, or imposing impossible standards upon yourself and others

Irrational Beliefs

1. Avoidance One cannot and must not face life’s responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them

2. Past Conditions One’s past history is an all-important determiner of one’s present behavior and because something once strongly affected one’s life, it should indefinitely have similar effect

3. Perfect Solutions exist There is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to human problems and it is awful if this perfect solution is not found

Irrational Beliefs

4. Fairness People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They are their bad acts

5. It is not my fault Emotional disturbance is mainly externally caused and people have little or no ability to increase or decrease their dysfunctional feelings or behaviors

6. Acceptance It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every significant other person in their community

Irrational Beliefs

7. Fear of Failure/Rejection One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or else one is an inadequate, worthless person

8. Awfulizing It is awful and terrible when things are not the way one would very much like them to be

9. Rumination If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, then one should be constantly and excessively concerned (worried) about it and should keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring

10. Blame and Punishment If results are not ideal, then their must be someone to blame and punish

Rationalization

The cognitive process of making something seem consistent with or based on reason

In psychology and logic, rationalization is the process of constructing a logical justification for a belief, decision, action or lack thereof that was originally arrived at through a different mental process . . .

Rationalize (verb) to apologize, defend, explain, clear away, or make excuses for by reasoning. To justify an immoral act, or illogical behavior

Irrational, Rational and Rationalizing

Irrational Rational Rationalization

You have to . . . I want . . . Who Cares?

You got to . . . I would like . . . Fuck it!

You should . . . It would be better if . . . So what?

You need to . . . I would prefer . . . Whatever!

You ought to . . . I don’t care. Who gives a shit?

You must . . . I feel . . . Same Difference.

Thought Stopping

Thought habits can take the form of behavior chains, with one automatic thought leading to another unhelpful thought, that can ultimately lead people toward biased, mistaken conclusions which cause them to feel or act badly

One cognitive technique popular in the scientific literature that you may see in many self help books is called “thought stopping” or “thought suppression”.

This technique uses a variety of strategies in order to help a person deliberately try and stop thinking certain thoughts

Thought Stopping

For instance, you will see advice encouraging people to silently think “STOP!” when they find themselves engaging in unwanted thoughts or habits, or to wear a rubber band around their wrist, that can be snapped (to create a sharp stinging sensation that is painful) in order to interrupt the “bad thought” habit

Thought Stopping

When you find your self “awfulizing”, thinking in absolutes such as “never/always”, or other irrational beliefs, imagine a stop sign and change what you are thinking!

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