Anger Management

IDENTIFICATION

THOUGHTS

FEELINGS

ACTION

Day 1Day 1Personal AngerPersonal Anger

Day 2Day 2Interpersonal AngerInterpersonal AngerEffects of anger on timeEffects of anger on time

What is your anger style?

1. Lock it up

2. Turn it loose!

3. Manage it

1. Lock it up

Withdraw emotionally

BEHAVIOUR

Give the “si lent treatment” Become i l l or anxious

Deny anger but show it in other actions

Revenge fantasies

What is your anger style?

2. Turn it loose! Blowing up at people

BEHAVIOUR

Getting physical or hurting people

Threatening, shouting or swearing

Blaming people

Breaking things

Flying off the handle at small things

Bringing up old grievances

What is your anger style?

3. Manage it

Remaining calm

BEHAVIOUR

Focusing on the behavior, not the person

Using “I” statements: “I feel angry when…”

Sticking to the subject

Allowing discussion to happen

What is your anger style?

1. Lock it up

Withdraw emotionally

BEHAVIOUR

Give the “si lent treatment”

Become i l l or anxious

Deny anger but show it in other actions

REASONS

I don’t have the right to be angry

Anger is inappropriate or chi ldish

I may lose control of myself I cant cope with strong feelings

People wil l disl ike me if I show anger

I may lose my job or a relat ionship I fear I wil l hurt or offend someone

Revenge fantasies

What is your anger style?

2. Turn it loose! Blowing up at people

BEHAVIOUR

Getting physical or hurting people

Threatening, shouting or swearing

Blaming people

REASONSI need to assert my power over people

The best defense is a good offense

I ’m afraid of getting close to someone

I cant stand to be wrong

I don’t know how to communicate calmly when angry

Breaking things

Flying off the handle at small things

Bringing up old grievances

What is your anger style?

3. Manage it

Remaining calm

BEHAVIOUR

Focusing on the behavior, not the person

Using “I” statements: “I feel angry when…”

Sticking to the subject

REASONS

Anger is a normal emotion - i t ’s okay to be angry

Allowing discussion to happen

What is your anger style?

““WHAT, WHY AND HOW” MESSAGEWHAT, WHY AND HOW” MESSAGE

1.1. Name What behavior is bothering youName What behavior is bothering you

2.2. Explain Why it’s bothering you & how you Explain Why it’s bothering you & how you feel about itfeel about it

3.3. Say how you’d like the other person to Say how you’d like the other person to behave insteadbehave instead

MANAGING – TURN IT LOOSE MANAGING – TURN IT LOOSE

““WHAT, WHY AND HOW” MESSAGEWHAT, WHY AND HOW” MESSAGE

Situation : A friend keeps borrowing money and forgetting to pay you back

Message : Yesterday I lent you money and you haven’t pain me back. Now I don’t have any lunch money and I’m hungry. Please pay me back the day after you borrow money if you can.

Situation : A friend is rude with someone you like.

Message : When you are rued with ____, it makes me angry because you know I like ____. I wish you wouldn’t do that any more.

MANAGING – TURN IT LOOSE MANAGING – TURN IT LOOSE

POSITIVE SELF TALKPOSITIVE SELF TALK

1.1. Negative thoughts leads to negative Negative thoughts leads to negative actionaction

2.2. Positive thoughts leads to positive Positive thoughts leads to positive action.action.

Negative thoughts leads to Negative thoughts leads to negative actionnegative action

Shabana transfers to a new school and Shabana transfers to a new school and misses her old friends. She thinks she will misses her old friends. She thinks she will never find any friends. She feels hopeless never find any friends. She feels hopeless about the situation and does not even try about the situation and does not even try to meet anyone. This attitude shows in her to meet anyone. This attitude shows in her face and body language, making people face and body language, making people reluctant to approach her. Shabana is reluctant to approach her. Shabana is likely to continue to feel lonely.likely to continue to feel lonely.

Positive thoughts leads to Positive thoughts leads to positive action.positive action.

Shabana decides to make new friends. Shabana decides to make new friends. She feels hopeful and looks friendly. She feels hopeful and looks friendly. Shabana makes an effort to talk to Shabana makes an effort to talk to classmates, join a school club, and to a classmates, join a school club, and to a sports event.sports event.

Whenever we are faced with Whenever we are faced with something new, difficult, or something new, difficult, or

challenging, we can ask challenging, we can ask ourselves two questions:ourselves two questions:

1.1. What is the best that can happen? What What is the best that can happen? What are the most positive thoughts and are the most positive thoughts and emotions I can have?emotions I can have?

2.2. What is the worst that can happen? What What is the worst that can happen? What are the most negative thoughts and are the most negative thoughts and emotions I can have?emotions I can have?

Read this positive statement Read this positive statement and add more of your own.and add more of your own.1.1. The way I feel about myself doesn’t depend on The way I feel about myself doesn’t depend on

other opinions of me.other opinions of me.2.2. The only person who never makes a mistake is The only person who never makes a mistake is

the person who never does anything.the person who never does anything.3.3. I am special, the only one there of me.I am special, the only one there of me.4.4. If I’m slower at some thing then other people, If I’m slower at some thing then other people,

that’s just fine.that’s just fine.5.5. I will do what I can, with what I have, where I I will do what I can, with what I have, where I

amam6.6. I can’t change others, but I can try to change I can’t change others, but I can try to change

my self.my self.

7.7. I will try to see problem as opportunities.I will try to see problem as opportunities.8.8. I can’t constantly depend on others; some I can’t constantly depend on others; some

things I have to do myself.things I have to do myself.9.9. Instead of saying “if only I had,” I will say “next Instead of saying “if only I had,” I will say “next

time I will.”time I will.”10.10. I can help other people, and I can ask for help I can help other people, and I can ask for help

when I need it.when I need it.11.11. I am prepared to lose once in a while.I am prepared to lose once in a while.12.12. I will be responsible for my own positive I will be responsible for my own positive

attitude.attitude.13.13. I will try to live my life an an exclamation, not I will try to live my life an an exclamation, not

an explanation.an explanation.

Read this positive statement Read this positive statement and add more of your own.and add more of your own.

Acknowledge the other person’s Acknowledge the other person’s feelingfeeling

You can do this by making an empathic You can do this by making an empathic statement such as:statement such as:

1.1. ‘‘You are obviously very irritated.’You are obviously very irritated.’

2.2. You certainly seem annoyed.’You certainly seem annoyed.’

3.3. ‘‘I can understand that you are angry.’I can understand that you are angry.’

Share your own Share your own feelings and fearsfeelings and fears

1.1. You are frightening meYou are frightening me

2.2. You’ re terrifying me and making me You’ re terrifying me and making me worry about getting hit.worry about getting hit.

3.3. You’re making me angry … it will be your You’re making me angry … it will be your fault if I lose control.fault if I lose control.

4.4. You’ve made me so upset that I can’t You’ve made me so upset that I can’t think straight.think straight.

Make a conciliatory gesture

1. A genuine apology2. A statement of regret3. A compromise4. Recognition that the other person has a

right to their view5. Acceptance of responsibility for your share

of the problem6. A statement which indicates that you

would like to see a positive outcome to the conflict for both parties.

Express your needs and wants calmly and persistently

You keep on repeating more or less the same statement over and over again in a

calm, controlled voice.

Self-protective techniques to block criticism

1.You simply take the wind out of your critic’s sail by saying that there may be some truth in what they have said or agreeing in principles with them.

2.You are not actually agreeing, but neither are you entering into the flight by disagreeing

Coping with an angry Coping with an angry outburstoutburst

1.1. Think of an example from personal experience Think of an example from personal experience where someone’s anger effected your where someone’s anger effected your relationship with that personrelationship with that person

2.2. Think of an example from personal experience Think of an example from personal experience where someone’s anger did not effect your where someone’s anger did not effect your relationship with that personrelationship with that person

3.3. Analyze the reasons for your experienceAnalyze the reasons for your experience4.4. What are the general principles that I can draw What are the general principles that I can draw

from it?from it?5.5. What step will you personally take to help What step will you personally take to help

apply these principles?apply these principles?