friends of grief

Friends of GriefFacebook, Mourning, and Digital Identity

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Megan McIntyre Dartmouth College

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RATIONALE

Losing My Dad

Sandy’s Loss

A Note on Grief as a Social Construction

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Public Displays of Grief• Are vital to the grieving process (Breen and

O’Connor; Gentry and Goodwin; Fowlkes; Kaunonen, et al.; Neimeyer, Prigerson, and Davies).

• Serve both individual and communal needs (Neimeyer, Prigerson, and Davies).

• Make sometimes hidden support and social networks available to the bereaved (Neimeyer, Prigerson, and Davies).

While social networks often become stronger

immediately following the death of a loved one, it is

more likely that, over time, these relationships will

"deteriorate and collapse" (Breen and O'Connor).

Social Media Networks• Allow the bereaved to process grief publicly

over time (Sanderson and Cheong).

• Allow the bereaved to remain connected to the deceased (Brubaker and Hayes; Williams and Merten).

• Encourage ongoing social contact related to grief (Marwick and Ellison)

Participant #3: J.

J. On Deciding to Share

“Although pushed into it sooner that I wanted, I shared it because these are the very kinds of life events I want to know about. Although fielding comments about his death isn’t pleasant, knowing about such an event keeps people from casually asking about Brian at a later date.”

J. On the Missing Social Support Network

“Honestly, and it pains me to say this and sound so self involved, it really hurt me when people did not acknowledge my INITIAL grief on FB…Brian’s death, after waiting so long to finally meet someone I was compatible with, was (is) devastating and I did want some acknowledgement that the worst thing that could ever happen to me had, indeed, happened. ”

J. On the Support Network that Emerged

“When I post about Brian now I tend to get fewer comments, but they are more genuine and heartfelt and are frequently comforting. My most recent comment (just over a month ago) got eight unique comments, two of which were from women who are in my in-person widow support group. Six of those eight comments were very helpful because they were truly insightful, sympathetic or empathetic. ”

Participant #9: Sandy

Sandy on the Value of Authenticity

“I felt like sharing this information through my social network was pointless – not only might the deaths of my dog bring up bad/sad memories for others in my social network, I wasn’t interested in hearing responses to my grief, which I find to be, in many ways, lip service. Hearing someone that I haven’t spoken to in years tell me that they are sorry for my loss, or other ‘appropriate’ responses to grief, is not helpful for me. In fact, I find it somewhat irritating, and I do not read these responses as authentic. ”

Sandy on her Ambivalence toward Public Memorial

“My relationship with my father was complex, and I didn’t want to either idolize him in his death or disrespect his memory. While I was (and am) saddened by his death and love him very much, I didn’t want to post about his death in a way that would mischaracterize the closeness of our relationship. ”

Participant #10: Megan

Megan on the Unexpected Network that Emerged

“The response was swift and immensely kind: friends from the church we’d attended during my formative years, friends from high school, friends from college and grad school, all expressed sympathy, and those who’d known my dad shared remembrances. It was touching, so I showed my mom. She was awestruck by the outpouring of support. Not familiar with social media, she found the support entirely unexpected. But it was then, as it is now, a great comfort for her – and for me – to see that kind of supportive response.”

Megan on the Influence of her Conflicted Digital Identity

“For me Facebook is a strange place: not quite a professional space, my Facebook friends represent almost every facet of my life, including professional connections to professors, mentors, and scholars that I admire. For this reason, I was very thoughtful about how I expressed my grief following my father’s passing. I posted pictures and a few quotations but not the kind of deeply personal expressions I see from others in my network. Instead, I sought to balance the creation of public, digital monument to my father’s life and the need to project a semi-professional identity.”

Conclusions

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•The original poster’s digital identity, vision of the purpose of the site, and imagined audience impact decisions about if to post, what to post, when to post, and how often to post

•Real-life connections to the deceased and to members of the social network impact the development of online support networks

•Authenticity affected the decision making process and the value of social media responses for most (9/10) participants