escaping everyday demands: becoming emotionally present with our spouse, kids, and those we love...
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Escaping Everyday Demands:
Becoming Emotionally Present with our Spouse, Kids, and Those We Love Most
Dr. Joshua Straub
Made for Relationships
The Sacred Romance -- “Lover of our Soul”
Love and Marriage -- Genesis 2:18-25; SOS; Matt.19; I
Cor. 7; I Cor. 13; Eph.5:21 ff; I Peter 3:1-10
The Family -- Deut. 6:6-9, Psalm 127; I Tim. 5:8
Attachment Theory
How relationships shape our brains ability to regulate emotion and learn to participate in close, intimate relationships
Emotion regulation is the ability to tolerate and manage strong negative emotions and to experience the wide range of positive emotions as well
Key question: “Is this world I’m living in a safe or dangerous place?
The Role of Experience
Brain wires itself based on experience
Asks several questions: Is the world a safe place? Can I count on my caregiver’s to help
me in time of need? Can I get the care I need when I need
it?
Secure Base
Self-Confidence/Exploration
Perceived Threat
Felt security
Attachment System
Signaling
Proximity Seeking
Safe Haven
Caregiver’sSignal detection
Kinds of Memory
Implicit Memory—• Present at birth• Includes behavioral, emotional, perceptual, body
• Mental models—states become traits• Conscious attention not required for encoding• No sense of recollection when memories recalled
• Does not involve hippocampus—mostly amygdala
Kinds of Memory
Explicit Memory Emerges in second year of life Sense of recollection when recalled If autobiographical, sense of self and time
present Includes semantic (factual) and episodic
(autobiographical) Requires conscious attention Involves hippocampus—converts to context If autobiographical—involves prefrontal
cortex
Secure Base Effects
Repeated secure-base interactions create internalized models of relationships that are carried forward to new relationship experience experiences
What to expect How to behave
Secure Base Effects
Powerful influence on Neurobiology Emotion-Regulation and Sensory
Integration Language Development Executive skills—
Shifting Monitoring Labeling Problem-solving
The Pyramid Self-Control
SelfControl
ProblemSolving
Cognitive Flexibility
Language Processing/Mindsight
Social Skills
Emotion Regulation
Core “Relationship” Beliefs
Self Other
• Am I worthy? • Am I capable?
• Are you reliable?• Are you accessible?• Are you capable?• Are you willing?
Measuring Attachment Beliefs
SECURE
Comfortable with intimacy and
autonomy
PREOCCUPIED
Preoccupied with relationships and
abandonment
DISMISSING
Downplays intimacy, overly
self-reliant
FEARFUL
Fearful of intimacy, socially avoidant
OTH
ER
SELF
Posi
tive V
iew
Lo
w
Avoid
an
ce
Negati
ve
Vie
w H
igh
Avoid
an
ce
Positive View Low Anxiety
Negative View High Anxiety
Figure 1.Bartholomew’s model of self and other
Relationship Rules
Secure AttachmentSelf Dimension•I’m worthy of love•I’m capable of getting the love I needOther Dimension•Others are willing and able to love me•I can count on you to be there for me
Avoidant AttachmentSelf Dimension•I’m worthy of love (false pride)•I’m capable of getting love I want and need (false sense of mastery)Other Dimension•Others are incompetent•Others are untrustworthy
Ambivalent AttachmentSelf Dimension•I am not worthy of love (I feel flawed)•I’m not able to get the love I need without being angry or clingyOther Dimension•Capable but unwilling (bc my flaws)•May abandon me (bc my flaws)
Disorganized AttachmentSelf Dimension•I’m not worthy of love•I’m unable to get the love I needOther Dimension•Others are unwilling•Others are unable•Others are abusive; I deserve it
Attachment and Feelings
Secure AttachmentFull rangeGood controlSelf-soothesShares feelingsOK with others’ feelings
Avoidant AttachmentRestricted affectFocus is on control Uses things to self sootheKeeps feelings buried Doesn’t share feelings
Ambivalent AttachmentFull rangePoor controlCan’t self sootheShares feelings too muchOverwhelmed by others’ feelings
Disorganized AttachmentFull range, but few positive feelingsPoor controlCan’t self-sootheCan’t really share with othersOverwhelmed by others’ feelingsDissociates
Attachment and Intimacy
Secure AttachmentComfortable with closenessShares feelings and dreamsWilling to commitBalances closeness and distanceParticipates in non-sexual touch
Avoidant Attachment
Not comfortable with closenessWithholds feelings and dreamsDifficulty with commitmentDistances
Ambivalent AttachmentDesires closeness, but never seems to have enoughWants to merge with otherPreoccupied with abandonmentClings and criticizes
Disorganized AttachmentDesires closeness, but fears and avoids itWants to merge, then wants to distanceTerrified of abandonmentSabotages closenessAttracted to people who victimize
Being Mindful
When interacting with another person, you have the ability to monitor how you are feeling and how the other person is feeling
You know what you are trying to accomplish in the interaction
You can monitor how your behavior is affecting the other person
You can see how other person is affecting you
Being Loved & Loving Others
We rely on secure base relationships in marriage
2 roles in attachment relationship: Secure-base use—(attachment) Secure base provision—(caregiving)
Signals distress Seeks comfort Experiences calm Healthy confidence
Secure Base Script
Secure Base User
Secure Base Provider
Interest = Availability
Awareness = Sensitivity, Concern
Empathy = Understanding, Comfort
Responsiveness = Care, Helpfulness
Four Basic Phases
Identification
Enhance Motivation and Commitment (Will Set)
Skill Acquisition Phase (Skill Set)
Skill Application and Follow-Through
Phase 1: Identification
Identifying emotional distress--e.g., anxiety, depression, addiction—and linking to interpersonal conflict
Can you see connection between relationship conflict and ongoing symptoms?
Phase 2: Will Set
The price of intimacy
Choosing between 3 options
Giving up intimacy incompatible attitudes and behaviors
The Price of Intimacy
Intimacy: Your willingness to endure the negative feelings you will get when you get close to another person.
– David Burns
Choosing 1 of 3 Options
One: Maintain Status Quo — continue trying to change the other person
Two: Leave the relationship
Three: Stay, but take 100% responsibility to change the way you deal with conflict
Giving Up Intimacy Incompatible Attitudes
Giving Up Blame: Your right to punish another person when they hurt you
Giving Up Being Right: Your right to be viewed by the other person as being right
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