Escaping Everyday Demands:

Becoming Emotionally Present with our Spouse, Kids, and Those We Love Most

Dr. Joshua Straub

Made for Relationships

The Sacred Romance -- “Lover of our Soul”

Love and Marriage -- Genesis 2:18-25; SOS; Matt.19; I

Cor. 7; I Cor. 13; Eph.5:21 ff; I Peter 3:1-10

The Family -- Deut. 6:6-9, Psalm 127; I Tim. 5:8

Attachment Theory

How relationships shape our brains ability to regulate emotion and learn to participate in close, intimate relationships

Emotion regulation is the ability to tolerate and manage strong negative emotions and to experience the wide range of positive emotions as well

Key question: “Is this world I’m living in a safe or dangerous place?

The Role of Experience

Brain wires itself based on experience

Asks several questions: Is the world a safe place? Can I count on my caregiver’s to help

me in time of need? Can I get the care I need when I need

it?

Secure Base

Self-Confidence/Exploration

Perceived Threat

Felt security

Attachment System

Signaling

Proximity Seeking

Safe Haven

Caregiver’sSignal detection

Kinds of Memory

Implicit Memory—• Present at birth• Includes behavioral, emotional, perceptual, body

• Mental models—states become traits• Conscious attention not required for encoding• No sense of recollection when memories recalled

• Does not involve hippocampus—mostly amygdala

Kinds of Memory

Explicit Memory Emerges in second year of life Sense of recollection when recalled If autobiographical, sense of self and time

present Includes semantic (factual) and episodic

(autobiographical) Requires conscious attention Involves hippocampus—converts to context If autobiographical—involves prefrontal

cortex

Secure Base Effects

Repeated secure-base interactions create internalized models of relationships that are carried forward to new relationship experience experiences

What to expect How to behave

Secure Base Effects

Powerful influence on Neurobiology Emotion-Regulation and Sensory

Integration Language Development Executive skills—

Shifting Monitoring Labeling Problem-solving

The Pyramid Self-Control

SelfControl

ProblemSolving

Cognitive Flexibility

Language Processing/Mindsight

Social Skills

Emotion Regulation

Core “Relationship” Beliefs

Self Other

• Am I worthy? • Am I capable?

• Are you reliable?• Are you accessible?• Are you capable?• Are you willing?

Measuring Attachment Beliefs

SECURE

Comfortable with intimacy and

autonomy

PREOCCUPIED

Preoccupied with relationships and

abandonment

DISMISSING

Downplays intimacy, overly

self-reliant

FEARFUL

Fearful of intimacy, socially avoidant

OTH

ER

SELF

Posi

tive V

iew

Lo

w

Avoid

an

ce

Negati

ve

Vie

w H

igh

Avoid

an

ce

Positive View Low Anxiety

Negative View High Anxiety

Figure 1.Bartholomew’s model of self and other

Relationship Rules

Secure AttachmentSelf Dimension•I’m worthy of love•I’m capable of getting the love I needOther Dimension•Others are willing and able to love me•I can count on you to be there for me

Avoidant AttachmentSelf Dimension•I’m worthy of love (false pride)•I’m capable of getting love I want and need (false sense of mastery)Other Dimension•Others are incompetent•Others are untrustworthy

Ambivalent AttachmentSelf Dimension•I am not worthy of love (I feel flawed)•I’m not able to get the love I need without being angry or clingyOther Dimension•Capable but unwilling (bc my flaws)•May abandon me (bc my flaws)

Disorganized AttachmentSelf Dimension•I’m not worthy of love•I’m unable to get the love I needOther Dimension•Others are unwilling•Others are unable•Others are abusive; I deserve it

Attachment and Feelings

Secure AttachmentFull rangeGood controlSelf-soothesShares feelingsOK with others’ feelings

Avoidant AttachmentRestricted affectFocus is on control Uses things to self sootheKeeps feelings buried Doesn’t share feelings

Ambivalent AttachmentFull rangePoor controlCan’t self sootheShares feelings too muchOverwhelmed by others’ feelings

Disorganized AttachmentFull range, but few positive feelingsPoor controlCan’t self-sootheCan’t really share with othersOverwhelmed by others’ feelingsDissociates

Attachment and Intimacy

Secure AttachmentComfortable with closenessShares feelings and dreamsWilling to commitBalances closeness and distanceParticipates in non-sexual touch

Avoidant Attachment

Not comfortable with closenessWithholds feelings and dreamsDifficulty with commitmentDistances

Ambivalent AttachmentDesires closeness, but never seems to have enoughWants to merge with otherPreoccupied with abandonmentClings and criticizes

Disorganized AttachmentDesires closeness, but fears and avoids itWants to merge, then wants to distanceTerrified of abandonmentSabotages closenessAttracted to people who victimize

Being Mindful

When interacting with another person, you have the ability to monitor how you are feeling and how the other person is feeling

You know what you are trying to accomplish in the interaction

You can monitor how your behavior is affecting the other person

You can see how other person is affecting you

Being Loved & Loving Others

We rely on secure base relationships in marriage

2 roles in attachment relationship: Secure-base use—(attachment) Secure base provision—(caregiving)

Being Loved & Loving Others

We love because he first loved us. -1 John 4:19, ESV

Signals distress Seeks comfort Experiences calm Healthy confidence

Secure Base Script

Secure Base User

Secure Base Provider

Interest = Availability

Awareness = Sensitivity, Concern

Empathy = Understanding, Comfort

Responsiveness = Care, Helpfulness

Four Basic Phases

Identification

Enhance Motivation and Commitment (Will Set)

Skill Acquisition Phase (Skill Set)

Skill Application and Follow-Through

Phase 1: Identification

Identifying emotional distress--e.g., anxiety, depression, addiction—and linking to interpersonal conflict

Can you see connection between relationship conflict and ongoing symptoms?

Phase 2: Will Set

The price of intimacy

Choosing between 3 options

Giving up intimacy incompatible attitudes and behaviors

The Price of Intimacy

Intimacy: Your willingness to endure the negative feelings you will get when you get close to another person.

– David Burns

Choosing 1 of 3 Options

One: Maintain Status Quo — continue trying to change the other person

Two: Leave the relationship

Three: Stay, but take 100% responsibility to change the way you deal with conflict

Giving Up Intimacy Incompatible Attitudes

Giving Up Blame: Your right to punish another person when they hurt you

Giving Up Being Right: Your right to be viewed by the other person as being right