The Great EscapeMaking our Home the Emotionally

Safest Place on the Planet

Dr. Joshua Straub

Psalm 119:111

“Your testimonies are my heritage forever, for they are the joy of my

heart.”

Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson

“Our relationship with our kids should be central to everything we do. Whether we’re playing with them, talking with them, laughing with them, or, yes, disciplining them, we want them to experience at a deep level the full force of our love and affection, whether we’re acknowledging an act of kindness or addressing a misbehavior.”

Psalm 103:8-12, ESV

“The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.”

Emotional Safety is related to:

• children’s academic scores• behaviors• brain development• social skills• problem solving skills• relationship formation• adult relationship satisfaction• healthy identity formation• self-esteem• athletic and extracurricular success• a sense of morality• established values• and a faith that sticks.

Safe Relationship = Love – Fear

1 John 4:18-19, ESV

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us."

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life…I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people [parents, in this case] who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while doing it."

Eric Sevareid

“The biggest business in America is not steel, automobiles, or television.

It is the manufacture, refinement, and distribution of anxiety.”

Brene Brown, Ph.D.

“Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors

of how our children will do then what we know about parenting.”

“In attachment, we need to be open to our child, feeling that safety in ourselves and creating the sense of ‘love without fear’ in

our child.” 

Brene Brown, Ph.D.

“…the question isn’t so much ‘Are you parenting the right way?’ as it is: ‘Are you the adult that you want your child to grow

up to be?’”

1. Know your own story

• Am I approaching my spouse, kids—their dirty diapers, skinned knees, spilled milk, late curfew, disrespectful attitude—or parents, in a peaceable manner?

• Am I gentle in how I talk to, care for, set limits with, discipline, and help my children? Gentle with my spouse? Parents?

1. Know your own story

• Am I open to reason with my spouse, parents, children (not in matters that compromise your parental authority) when we don’t see eye to eye?

• Am I growing in mercy, or am I holding my spouse or child’s past behaviors against them?

1. Know your own story

• Am I becoming more kind, giving, patient, loving, self-controlled, and joyful toward my spouse, kids, parents?

• Am I treating my spouse and each of our kids individually in our home in the same manner, showing no favoritism?

• Am I becoming less of a hypocrite, living according to the attitudes and behaviors I expect of my spouse and kids?

2. Get off the crazy train

3. Create more fun and laughter

• Roughhousing, eating dirt, singing and dancing with your kids…and spouse

4. Discipline

• Allow it to be the felt distance of the relationship

• Keep it as natural as possible

• Don’t rescue

5. No technology at any meals

• Talk about the day

• Ask questions

6. 20 minutes a day

Of command free play time

7. Let memories unfold

If your kids ask to do something, before saying no, ask “why not?” If you can’t come up with a legitimate answer, let the memory unfold.

8. Read together everyday

9. Practice forgiveness

• Be specific about offense• Describe how you’ll make it right

10. Pray together often