bc parent education issue 2012
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education issue 2012www.bcparent.ca
Independent Schools
Kids &Chores
Attachment Parenting
2 bcparent.ca • education 2012
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Education Issue 2012Volume 21, Number 6
Mail Address: Sasamat RPO 72086 Vancouver, BC V6R 4P2
email: info@bcparent.cawww.bcparent.ca
inside...
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BC Parent Newsmagazine
Publisher/Executive Editor: Forrest Phillips
Editor: Geoffrey Legh
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Circulation: Gold Distribution
Contributors: Judy Arnall, Janet Johnson, LaraKrupicka, Kelly Randall, Stephanie Vozza, BevYaworskiBC Parent is published 8 times per year. The Publisher reserves the right to omit advertisingwhich is judged to be in poor taste or which doesnot conform to the concept of this publication. Canadian Publications Mail Registration No.251836
4 Big Sisters Study BuddySchool support for young girls
6 Coping with Kids’Clothing Conundrums
8 Independent SchoolListings
15 Kids & ChoresTo pay or not to pay?
16 Attachment Parenting for Everyone
19 Singing Lessonswith a bad voice
20 Five Habits Every mom should break
22 Distracted DriverModelling responsible behaviour
4 bcparent.ca • education 2012
s the school year progresses withnew teachers and challenging sub-jects, some students may need extra
assistance with their schoolwork. Big Sistersof BC Lower Mainland is offering a uniquementoring program that focuses on schoolacademics by providing girls between theages of 7 and 17 years with positive, femalementors. This Big Sisters ‘Study Buddy’men toring program offers girls educationalsupport and guidance by matching them inone-to-one relationships with volunteer adulttutors. For young girls experiencing low self-esteem, social isolation or a lack of enriching
experiences, a Study Buddy tutor pro videscaring support and friendship.
Vanessa Woznow has been a volunteermentor matched with her Little Sister Melis -sa in the Study Buddy Mentoring Programsince November 2008. “I really love work-ing with young kids and I’m a big propo-nent of mentorship for young women.When I looked into the Big Sisters programI felt I could make the time commitmentre quired to meet at least once a week for a one-hour minimum with a Little Sister.It’s become a tremendously rewarding expe-rience.”
By Bev Yaworski
After undergoing an application, inter-view, reference and criminal record checkand orientation process, Vanessa was match -ed up with 11 year-old Melissa. Four yearslater Melissa is now a thriving 15 year-oldteen in Grade 10. “It’s really amazing tohave seen her grow up. Melissa is a totallyremarkable young woman. I see how muchmore outgoing she is in social situations andhow excited she is about academic situa-tions as well.” Our friendship is very impor-tant to me, and I feel I have grown as muchas she has from our relationship.
Once a week, every Thursday, Melissaand Vanessa meet to work on various schoolprojects. At first, they met mostly to workon math—because that’s the subject Melissaneeded help with the most. Now, it’s othersubjects too; such as an upcoming scienceor social studies test they will study fortogether. They even continued to meet dur-ing summer holidays to discuss a new bookor play an educational game.
“I let Melissa know that I’m a constantin her life,” emphasizes Vanessa, “and that I’mthere for her if she needs me. No matter what,I’m here to support her.” Vanessa arrangesto pick Melissa up and they go to the libraryor a coffee shop to study and talk—dependingon Melissa’s needs. Sometimes they attendan educational program, such as a recentcareer session by a female firefighter, or asocial event for Halloween, or Christmas.
“What I love the most about the StudyBuddy program is that you get paired withsomeone who is really fun to be with,” saysLittle Sister Melissa. “I would probably bedrowning in work without Vanessa. It’s somuch easier to understand my subjects withher help, especially math! Our time togeth-er is so much fun and I don’t know where Iwould be without her.” The program hasbeen such a success with Melissa and herfamily that her twin sister also has a StudyBuddy mentor.
“I let Melissa know that I’m a constant in her life,” emphasizes Vanessa, “and thatI’m there for her if she needs me. No matter what, I’m here to support her.”
bcparent.ca • education 2012 5
Big Sisters offers excellent support forparticipants in this program through ongo-ing resources such as a caseworker, educa-tional workbooks, literature and specialevents. Study Buddy matches meet for onehour once a week for a minimum of sixmonths. Big Sisters tries to match a younggirl who lives near to the mentor’s home.The volunteer mentor also communicateeswith the Little Sister’s parent/guardian toschedule outings and arrange pick-up times.They all work together to help the girl meether academic goals and improve her educa-tional performance and overall sense of self-esteem.
138 Study Buddy matches are active rightnow, and Big Sisters is aiming to provideover 200 girls with Study Buddy tutors in2012. The organization is currently accept-ing referrals for girls, who are between theages of 7 and 17 years, and is also welcom-ing volunteer adult mentors for the StudyBuddy Mentoring program. For more infor -mation, visit: www.bigsisters.bc.ca or call604-873-4525 ext. 300.
Study Buddy Referral And Resources Teachers, school counsellors, parents, guard -ians, and other professionals can refer girlsto the Study Buddy Mentoring Program ifthe girl meets certain selection criteria (see“refer a little sister” at bigsisters.bc.ca). If thesecriteria are met, a referral form can be down-loaded from the Big Sisters of BC LowerMainland website, completed by the refer-ring person, and submitted to the BigSister’s office. Once the referral is received,the parent/guardian and child will meetwith a Big Sisters caseworker to assess thechild’s suitability for the program, and heracademic needs, and then participate inchild safety training.
The girls referred to the Study BuddyMen toring program have expressed, or exhi -bited, a need for academic assistance, yet areunable to access this at home or elsewheredue to family or financial constraints. Theymay also have a low level of engagement intheir school, evidenced through absen-teeism, lack of interest in school, or socialinsecurity.
“It’s important that girls have the neces-sary skills and support in order for them tobenefit from all they are learning in school,”says Study Buddy Program Coordinator, IvyChiang. “Having confidence in one’s ownability to do well in school is a key part of a
young person’s sense of self-worth. The StudyBuddy program is not just about gettinggood grades; it’s about mentoring girls sothey learn valuable study skills, build up theirconfidence in their academic abilities, anddiscover an interest in learning, that hope-fully lasts a lifetime.”
Having confidence inone’s own ability to dowell in school is a key
part of a young person’ssense of self-worth.
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6 bcparent.ca • education 2012
Multiple Wardrobe ChangesKids may go through periods of time wherethey change what they wear multiple timesduring the day. It might not seem to be abig deal to anyone but the person who doesthe laundry. Or it can become a big deal if itprevents them from getting out the door ontime. Aside from taking all their clothes away(which may work as a last resort), what’s aparent to do?
“Sometimes too much choice can be over-whelming,” says psychologist Dr. BobbieMcDonald. “What I suggest, rather than giv-ing them a completely open choice (or none
I f you’ve ever left the house with a childwearing a super hero cape or princessdress, or if you’ve ever noticed your
daughter’s socks don’t match as you’re drop-ping her at school or realized your son’sshirt was on backwards at the end of theday, you know the challenges of dressingkids. Whether it’s a matter of clothes notmatching or getting your child to bundleup in cold weather, handling wardrobeissues can be sticky.
Here’s some advice from moms andexperts on how to approach some commonchildhood “clothing conundrums”.
Mismatched clothes or socksBlame Little Miss Mismatch for the popu-larity of odd clothing combinations all youlike, there’s still the issue of what to do whenyour child tries to leave the house in plaidsand stripes. Shari Braendel, fashion expert andauthor of Good Girls Don’t Have to Dress Bad,suggests leaving well enough alone. “This istheir way of showing individuality. They’reexperimenting with their creativity. It maybe an attention-getting thing, but it won’tbe attention-getting for long.” Braendel goeson to emphasize as long as doesn’t hurt them,there’s no reason to intervene.
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“It’s a struggle for parents on the wholebecause a lot of times when a style is ‘in’ it’stighter fitting, lower cut. You don’t wantyour kids dressing abnormal. You wantthem to fit in. But when you have differentvalues of how you want them to dress andthe current style does not follow those, it’svery frustrating,” says Melanie Wozniak,mom to three girls and one boy. “You wantthem to dress like their peers and fit in, butyou don’t want to compromise your values.”
Wozniak says when her children ask tobuy something she doesn’t care for, she redi-rects them. She tells them, “let’s go look atsomething else. Let’s find something cuter.”
Braendel suggests preparing before ashopping trip by discussing what they canand can’t wear. Make it clear what clothesyou’ll allow. “Agree together ahead of timewhat the guidelines will be. Then instead ofsaying ‘you cannot wear this’, tell themwhat they can wear. Give them really posi-tive things to look for when they shopinstead of negative advice.”
Braendel notes an important conceptwhen it comes to clothing issues and ourchildren’s appearance, “What they put on isa reflection of who they are on the inside.We need to understand our child is not areflection of us. We think they are. So we’rethe ones who get embarrassed. We just haveto get over that.”
Dr. McDonald agrees. “It’s important tostep past our own ego of what they shouldlook like and let them have that freedom ofexpression. Because when we give that tothem, it gives them a sense of self-confi-dence and self-empowerment.”
Lara Krupicka is a freelance writer and mom to three girls whohave very different clothing tastes from hers.
at all) is to choose two or three outfits andsay, ‘It’s cold outside. Here are three outfitschoices, or you can mix and match. Sowhich outfit would you like?”
Colleen Sall, mother of two elementary-aged children, found a solution in selectingclothes the night before. “The biggest prob-lem was there hadn’t been any planning inadvance to make sure they had everythingthey wanted to wear to get out the door toschool. So there were a lot of last-minutechanges going on. That was a problembecause everything looked okay and then allof a sudden they’d put on a sock and it hada hole.”
Now her children put out their entireoutfits before they go to bed. They talkabout what activities will be happening andwhat the weather forecaster calls for thenext day.
“I give a range of what the temperature isgoing to be like. They may ask for clarifica-tion like, ‘Do I need a coat?’ My daughterdoesn’t feel like she’s being bossed aroundwith what to wear. She feels like she’s get-ting some pretty solid advice. The best partis that it’s become so automatic.”
Clothes that don’t “feel” rightSome children have tactile sensitivities thatmake it hard for them to feel comfortable incertain clothes. The seam on the end of thesocks may irritate them, or how a pair ofpants rides on their hips. These sensitivitiescan make it difficult for parents to get themdressed and out the door. But there are waysto overcome this.
“Those are real issues,” says Dr. McDon -ald. “A lot of times parents view that as theirchild being stubborn or rigid. Everybody isdifferent.”
Dr. McDonald recommends taking thechild along to try on clothes before buyingthem. “They can get a sense of does it feelitchy and scratchy or soft and comfortable.It can really help when it comes time forthat child to wear those clothes. Too oftenwhat happens is, parents want to buy theclothes, bring them home and the kidshould like it. They set themselves up forfailure.”
Battles Over Clothing ChoicesWhen children are very young, they oftenhave little opinion on what clothes they like.Sometimes they may have a favorite shirt ordress, but otherwise they wear whatever mombuys. But as children get older and begin toassert their independence there may be aclash of opinions on what clothes are best.
This issue happens most often at theclothing store while shopping for clothes. Aparent may be used to picking out all theclothes they buy for their child. And oneday that child begins to balk at mom’s selec-tions. In turn, parents may object to clotheskids pick due to issues of appropriateness orrevealing styles for girls.
When children are veryyoung, they often have little
opinion on what clothesthey like. As children getolder and begin to asserttheir independence there
may be a clash of opinionson what clothes are best.
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independent school listings
8 bcparent.ca • education 2012
Bodwell High School and Bodwell Academy co-ed 8–12 17 200/160/360 8,200/local955 Harbourside Drive, North Vancouver, BC 11,200/international604-924-5056; www.bodwell.edu/highschool/
Brockton School co-ed K–12 20 135 13,466–14,9103467 Duval Rd., North Vancouver, BC604-929-9201; www.brocktonschool.com
Brentwood College School co-ed 9–12 17 77/380/457 21,200/day2735 Mt. Baker Road, Mill Bay, BC 35,000/boarding250-743-5521; www.brentwood.bc.ca
Children’s Hearing & Speech Centre of BC co-ed PS–2 6–8 28 rate varies 3575 Kaslo St., Vancouver, BC per program604-437-0255; www.childrenshearing.ca
Choice School co-ed K–7 16 n/a 12,99520451 Westminster Hwy, Richmond, BCwww.choiceschool.org
Collingwood School co-ed JK–12 15–20 1250 8,500-18,50070 Morven Drive, West Vancouver, BC604-925-3331; www.collingwood.org
Core Education & Fine Arts (cefa) co-ed JK & cefababy 12-16 n/a 295–1,245/monthAbbotsford, Burnaby (2 locations), Langley,New Westminster, North Vancouver, RichmondVancouver, West Vancouver, White Rock604-708-2332; www.cefa.ca
Crofton House girls JK–12 18-20 828 $17,4753200 West 41st Ave., Vancouver, BC604-263-3255; www.croftonhouse.ca
École Française Internationale de Vancouver co-ed PS–7 15 127 7,300–87504343 Starlight Way, North Vancouver, BC604-924-2457; www.efiv.org
Student EnrollmentSchool Name Gender Grades Class size Day/Boarding/Total Cost per Year
independent school listings
Fraser Academy co-ed 1–12 Max. 10 200 21,870–22,1452294 W. 10th Ave., Vancouver BC604-736-5575; www.fraser-academy.bc.ca
Fraser Valley Elementary School co-ed K–1 18 48 approx $23,98020317 67 Ave., Langley, BC (tax receipts604-533-5469; www.fves.bc.ca issued)
Kenneth Gordon School co-ed 1–9 15 121 19,950420 Seymour River Place, North Vancouver, BC604 985-5224; www.kennethgordon.bc.ca
Le Conseil Solaire Francophone de la C-B co-ed K–12 Varies n/a n/a(SD No. 93, publicly funded French-language program)180-10200 Shellbridge Way, Richmond, BCwww.csf.bc.ca
Madrona School Society co-ed 4–7 4 to 14 14 9,5002050 West 10th Ave., Vancouver, BC (full & part-time)604-732-9965; www.madronaschool.com
Marpole Bilingual Montessori School co-ed PS–K 20 80 n/a1296 West 67th Ave, Vancouver, BC604-266-1091
Meadowridge School co-ed JK–12 20 540 14,50012224 - 240th Street, Maple Ridge, BC604-467-4444; www.meadowridge.bc.ca
Mulgrave School co-ed PreK–12 20 840 5,000–16,3002330 Cypress Bowl Lane, West Vancouver, BC604-922-3223; www.mulgrave.com
bcparent.ca • education 2012 9
Student EnrollmentSchool Name Gender Grades Class size Day/Boarding/Total Cost per Year
Montessori Preschoolin Dunbar
778-840-2659 (Laurie)www.monkeyseemonkeydo.ca
� Montessori curriculum plus gym, music,and crafts
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10 bcparent.ca • education 2012
North Star Montessori co-ed PS–7 15 55 n/a1325 East Keith Road, North Vancouver, BC604-980-1205; www.northstarmontessori.ca
Pacific Rim Montessori Academy co-ed PS–7 20 n/a 4,150–7000Richmond, Vancouver, BC604-726-8428; www.pacificrimmontessori.com
Pacific Spirit School co-ed K–8 14 n/a 6,0004196 W. 4th Ave., Vancouver, BC604-222-1900; www.pacificspiritschool.org
Richmond Jewish Day School co-ed K–7 15–20 80 Contact us 8760 No. 5 Rd., Richmond, BC for cost604-275-3393; www.rjds.ca
St. George’s School boys 1–12 20 1040/120/1160 17,170 (BC: Day-Junior)4175 West 29th Ave., Vancouver, BC 19,585 (BC: Day-Senior)604-221-3890 39,900 (BC: Boarding)www.stgeorges.bc.ca 50,500 (Intl.: Boarding)
St. John’s School co-ed K–12 14–22 354 16,1202215 W. 10th Ave, Vancouver, BC V6K 2J1604-732-4434 / 604-629-2458; www.stjohns.bc.ca
St. John’s International School co-ed 10–12 with ESL program 15 100 13,500–14,400 300 - 1885 W. Broadway, Vancouver, BC (3 terms)604-683-4572; www.stjohnsis.com
St. Margaret’s School girls ECE–12 15 237/103/340 Please contact 1080 Lucas Ave., Victoria, BC Admissions Office250-479-7171; www.stmarg.ca
independent school listings
Student EnrollmentSchool Name Gender Grades Class size Day/Boarding/Total Cost per Year
Accepting Wait List Applications for SY 2013-14VANCOUVER BILINGUAL PRESCHOOL949 West 49th Avenue (at Oak St.)Vancouver, BC V5Z 2T1Phone/Fax: 604.261.1221
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info@vancouverbilingual.com • www.vancouverbilingual.com
bcparent.ca • education 2012 11
independent school listings
Have BC ParentNewsmagazine
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Visit bcparent.cato subscribe.
Visit www.bcparent.caRead our new blogs… catch up onpast issues… enter our contests andfind out about great family events in
the Lower Mainland.
Preschool: For children 3-5 years of ageExtended Day: For the 5 year old child
Elementary: For children 6-12 years of age
Parent Meetings 2013 (RSVP):• Extended Day & Elementary Orientation – Feb. 7 at 7:00 p.m.
• Preschool Orientation & Registration – Feb. 7 at 7:00 p.m.• Preschool Orientation & Registration – April 18 at 7:00 p.m.
THE MONTESSORI CLASSROOMA Child-Centered Community
The Prepared Environment – Materials Which Invite ActivityPractical Life – Skills of Daily LivingSensorial – Exploring The WorldMathematics – From Concrete to AbstractLanguage – From Spoken to Reading and WritingArt, Music & Cultural Subjects – IntegratedP.E. & Working Outdoors – The Natural EnvironmentFrench – The Fundamentals of Expression and Comprehension
A Montessori education provides your child with an integrated, individualized, and academically challenging program that meets
his/her changing developmental needs from year to year.
Childhood happens once. A Montessori education ensures thatyour child will make the best of hers/his.
Please call us.
Vancouver Montessori School(Est. 1972)
8650 Barnard Street, Vancouver V6P 5G5
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MarpoleBilingual
Montessori (Est. 1985)
Pre-School, Junior Kindergarten& Kindergarten Celebrating Over 25 years of MontessoriTeaching in the Community
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We offer 2-1/2 hour and 3-1/2 hour programs for 2-1/2 to 5 year olds as well as an Extended
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1296 W 67TH AVE., VANCOUVER, BC V6P 2T2FOR AN APPOINTMENT PLEASE CALL
Tel: 604-266-1091email: bilingualmontessori@hotmail.com
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Montessori School
12 bcparent.ca • education 2012
St. Michaels University School co-ed K-12 (day) 18 680/238/918 $12,870 (Day)3400 Richmond Road, Victoria, BC 8-12 (boarding) $35,260250-370-6170; www.smus.bc.ca 8-10 (ESL) (BC: Boarding)
SelfDesign Learning CommunitySchool District 008-Kootenay Lake co-ed K–9 N/A 1500 No-chargePO Box 74560, Kitsilano RPO, Vancouver, BC604-224-3663; www.selfdesign.org
Shawnigan Lake School co-ed 8–12 15 58/387/445 18,800 day1975 Renfrew Rd., Shawnigan Lake, BC 34,900 boarding250-743-5516; www.shawnigan.ca (BC Students)
Southpointe Academy co-ed PS–12 15–20 460 7,000–9,9001741 - 56th Street, Tsawwassen, BC604-948-8826; www.southpointeacademy.ca
Stratford Hall co-ed K–12 16–22 460 11,532–15,7603000 Commercial Drive, Vancouver, BC604-436-0608; www.stratfordhall.ca
Traditional Learning Academy co-ed K–12 14 176 1,750–3,3501189 Rochester Ave., Coquitlam, BC 604-931-7265: www.traditionallearning.com
Urban Academy coed JK–12 10–16 110 6,130–12,435101 Third Street, New Westminster, BC (Grade 12, 2012) varies by grade604-524-2211; www.urbanacademy.ca
Vancouver College boys K–12 20–32 1,065 63005400 Cartier Street, Vancouver, BC604-261-4285; www.vc.bc.ca
independent school listings
Student EnrollmentSchool Name Gender Grades Class size Day/Boarding/Total Cost per Year
www.selfdesign.org
bcparent.ca • education 2012 13
independent school listings
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independent school listings
Vancouver Montessori School co-ed PS-7 20 250 5,200–7,8008650 Barnard Street, Vancouver, BC604-261-0315; www.vancouvermontessorischool.com
Vancouver Hebrew School co ed PS-7 12 Preschool: 5000 1545 W. 62nd Ave, Vancouver, BC K-7: 10,200604-266-1245; www.vhebrewacademy.com
Vancouver Talmud Torah co-ed PS–7 18-22 500 8,000–10,000 998 West 26th Ave., Vancouver, BC (subsidies available)604-736-7307; www.talmudtorah.com
Vancouver Waldorf School co-ed PS–12 20 300 1,200–11,0002725 St. Christophers Road, N. Vancouver, BC (subsidies available)604-985-7435; www.vws.ca
West Point Grey Academy co-ed JK–12 22 945 11,000–16,6004125 West 8th Avenue Vancouver, BC604-222-8750; www.wpga.ca
Westside Montessori Academy co-ed PS–3 16 75 preschool: 4,7503075 Slocan St., Vancouver, BC grades 1-3: 8,350604-434-9611; www.westsidemontessoriacademy.ca
York House School girls JK–12 16-20 656 16,500–17,4004176 Alexandra St., Vancouver, BC3274 East Boulevard, Vancouver, BC604-736-6551; www.yorkhouse.ca
Note: Information provided is accurate at time of printing. Categories such as class size and cost are in many cases averages. Contact each school to confirm information.
Student EnrollmentSchool Name Gender Grades Class size Day/Boarding/Total Cost per Year
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Inscrivez votre enfant dans une des écoles publiques du CSF ! Depuis sa création en 1995, le Conseil scolaire francophone de la Colombie-Britannique offre des programmes et des services éducatifs valorisant le plein épanouissement et l’identité culturelle des apprenantes et apprenants francophones de la province. Le conseil compte aujourd’hui plus de 4 700 élèves, 37 écoles publiques et dessert plus d’une centaine de communautés réparties dans l’ensemble de la province.
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S hould parents pay kids for doing chores? On one hand, whatbetter way to teach kids the value of a dollar than by com-pensating them the jobs they do? On the other hand, we’d
like to raise responsible adults who do not expect to be paid for thesimple tasks of everyday life. When it comes to kids and money,things can get complicated.
Should Allowance Be Tied to Household Chores?Among parents who provide their children an allowance, some tie itto chores and others pay a set amount regardless of household tasksthe child does. Many parents operate under a mixed model, requir-ing some baseline chores that must be done without pay—or at aset allowance amount—and designating others jobs as work-for-hire, or paid in addition to allowance.
Separating allowance and chores is thought to teach that certainfamily responsibilities must be completed no matter what. Whilepaying allowance contingent on completing chores might keepthings simple, it can also create some unwanted results. Absentimmediate cash needs, kids may choose not to feed the dog or takeout the trash. And tying allowance to chores can train children toexpect payment every time you ask them to empty the dishwasher.By contrast, parents who tie allowance to chores—like a pay-check—argue that kids who are rewarded commensurate witheffort learn how the world really works.
It would take a spreadsheet for me to keep things straight, butother parents have systems that work. Early childhood educatorRhonda Franz believes children should do chores because they arepart of the family. Her children are still too young for an allowance,but that doesn’t mean they don’t pitch in. “Chores are done on aregular basis throughout the week. They are a routine expectation.”She also acknowledges that rewards are sometimes in order. “We’vecome up with a few ‘above and beyond’ chores to allow our oldestto start earning money.”
Bottom Line: What is Allowance Used For?The system parents use to distribute money to their children is onlyone side of the equation. The other key component is what kids arerequired to pay for out of their earned (or unearned) income.Making their own choices about how to spend a finite amount ofmoney forces kids to think about how much things cost, and setsup good fiscal habits for life.
Sara Tetreault is a frugal living expert whose techniques havebeen featured in the New York Times. She and her husband believemoney management skills and the difference between wants andneeds are best taught early in life. “Making mistakes or spendingtoo much on an item is very different for a 12-year-old than it is fora 22-year-old,” says Tetreault. Every year each of her childrenreceive a formal allowance review. They are assigned more choresand get raises. In addition, they get what Tetreault calls the “privi-lege” of paying for more items out of their increased income.
“When our kids were eight, they started with socks and under-wear, gifts, and tithing at church,” says Tetreault. “Every year,necessities were added to what they were required to purchase.Now, at almost fifteen and thirteen, they pay for all of their ownclothing, except shoes.” Kids may want a new iPod, but if they alsopay for their own jeans, they will soon learn to make tough choices.
Your kids may be too young to manage their own cash now, andyou may not want a structured a system, but it’s never too early tostart instilling good financial values. No matter your strategy, chil-dren will learn more by what you do than what you say. Teach themgood habits today, and kids will be less expensive when they’reolder. If you’re lucky, you’ll have some left over to pay an allowanceto yourself—sometime around the year 2020.
Lela Davidson is the author of Blacklisted from the PTA (Jupiter Press, July 2011). Her writing isfeatured regularly in family and parenting magazines throughout the United States and Canada. Sheblogs about marriage, motherhood, and life-after-40 at After the Bubbly: leladavidson.com
Kids & Chores
By Lela Davidson
To pay or not to pay
bcparent.ca • education 2012 15
16 bcparent.ca • education 2012
Parents need to respond with loving, non-sexual, appropriate touch daily and espe-cially when their child is hurt, sick or upset. 5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically andEmotionallyParents need to respond with empathy, andrespect to their children’s nighttimes parent-ing needs. 6. Provide Consistent and Loving CareParental consistency of love, nurturing, em -pathy, warmth and firm expectations of age-appropriate behaviour produces the mostfavourable outcomes for children. 7. Practice Positive DisciplineParents need to provide respectful, non-puni tive discipline and guidance that focus-es on teaching and problem-solving. 8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family LifeParents need to provide balance in theirlives and self-care so that they can be theoptimal parent that also respects their ownneeds.
What does 50 years of research showabout attachment?Attachment is the emotional connection thatoccurs between child and parent. Parentsneed to respond to their children when theyare sick, hurt, scared, tired, worried or
What is attachment parenting?Attachment parenting has become the buzz -word of the week but has been around forthousands and thousands of years. Exactlywhat is it? Attachment parenting is a par-enting style that empathetically responds toa child’s direct and indirect needs. That is it.The tools of attachment parenting are whathave been featured in the media of late. Ex tended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, andbaby wearing are some tools of attachmentparen ting that parents use to keep close totheir children. However, many attachmentparents also use bottles, strollers and cribs,but the fact that they are warm, nurturingand responsive to their children is the defin-ing factor of whether they are attached ornot. Attachment parenting does not includeany form of sleep training, or letting babiescry it out. It also does not include punitivediscipline such as spanking, time-outs, andconsequences.
Evolution theory ensures that all parentsare attached to their babies. It’s how babiesare protected, nurtured, and properly caredfor. When babies cry, all mammals rush topick them up and comfort them. That’s thecore of attachment. It’s often society, tradi-tions and culture that tells parents to act
opposite their instincts for attachment. Nur -turing, responsive care is the only parentingstyle required for babies first year and be -yond into childhood. Sure, co-sleeping andbreastfeeding and baby carrying are nice todo, but for many personal reasons, parentscan’t and don’t need to in order to be anattachment parent.
Am I an attachment parent?In response to questions such as “Am I anAttachment Parent?” Attachment ParentingCanada supports the eight ideals of attach-ment parenting from Attachment ParentingInter national. They are as follows:1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth andParentingEvery parent needs to be informed aboutthe issues and options available in parentingand child development as their child grows. 2. Feed with Love and RespectFeeding practices needs to encompass bestpractices in nutrition (breastfeeding) andsocialization (bottlefeeding). 3. Respond with SensitivityParents need to respond to their children’sneeds with love, empathy, comfort, prompt-ness and respect. 4. Use Nurturing Touch
AttachmentParenting
Judy Arnall, co-founder and president of Attachment Parenting Canada, answers some common questions,explaining the theory and practice of this nurturing and respectful approach to parenting.
FOR
EVERYONEBy Judy Arnall
bcparent.ca • education 2012 17
experiencing separation anxiety at bedtime,sleep training by ignoring the child, is notconducive to developing security or inde-pendence in the child. In fact, it can makethe child clingier and they struggle withsecurity issues and fears. A child that isresponded to with parent support, comfortand closeness, has their needs for securityfulfilled and will be sleeping more indepen -dently sooner than a child whose night timeneeds for comfort are ignored. In the area ofdiscipline, mutual respect is the key. Parentsshould not do anything to their child thatthey would not do to another significantadult. Teaching, modeling, problem-solving,redirection, communication, child-proofing,and natural consequences are respectful waysto teach desired behaviour and would beused in an adult to adult situation. Spank -ing, time-outs, consequences and withdraw-al of privileges are not respectful to adults orchildren.
Attachment continues to the teen yearsand beyondAs baby grows into a toddler, she will oscil-late between attachment and independence
upset. This response should be nurturing—physical, verbal and emotional comfort.
Children who are comforted predictably,form trusting relationships with their par-ents and have the confidence to exploretheir environment. Children, who grow uptrusting their parents, learn to trust otherpeople in their relationships.
When children feel secure, they are morelikely to become interdependent, and growup equipped to face challenges, and to han-dle difficult situations.
Can anyone be the attachment person?Attachment parenting doesn’t have to alwaysbe Mom. Any nurturing parent, sibling, rel-ative or caregiver can be an attachment per-son. It’s easy to respond to a baby when heis happy and gurgling. However, one of thebest ways to build the attachment relation-ship is by consistently responding to thechild’s distress when he is sick, upset orhurt. By picking up the baby and cuddling,rocking, and soothing baby when he is sick,upset or hurt, fosters attachment and showsthe baby that he has someone to meet hisneeds and respond to him. This helps devel-
op his empathy and response to other peo-ple as he grows. He learns how to create lov-ing, respectful relationships.
The response should be the same consis-tent, nurturing, caring manner, most of thetime. This may include the middle of thenight or at times that may seem inconven-ient to the parent or caregiver, but childrenhave no concept of adult time. It’s criticalfor the mental and emotional health of thechild to have their needs met in a timelymanner. Of course, there are times that it’simpossible to respond to a crying baby, suchas in the car, or perhaps when parents are atthe end of their patience threshold, andneed a cool down period. Parents need tomake a safe choice and put the baby some-where safe while they can get calm.
What is NOT attachment parenting?Two modern parenting practices are notendorsed by attachment parenting. Theyare systemic sleep training and punitive dis-cipline. Letting a baby cry-it-out in order toteach them self-soothing is tantamount toignoring baby’s night-time emotional needs.For young toddlers and preschoolers who are
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fashionable right now and the sales ofslings, wraps and carriers are big for bothmoms and dads. The only attachment par-enting practice not supported by health or -ganizations is bed-sharing with babiesunder the age of one. After one year, noorganization will make recommendations onwhether toddlers and older children shouldco-sleep with parents. There is no researchto support a stop to the practice and fami-lies make their sleep choices based on cul-tural, family and society values. Past thebreastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleepingstage of babies, toddlers and preschoolers,attachment parenting is indistinguishablefrom most parenting best practice recom-mendations from Health Canada, PublicHealth Agency and provincial health organ-izations.
Judy Arnall is an international award-winning peaceful par-enting speaker, and bestselling author of “Discipline WithoutDistress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible childrenwithout time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery” and thenew DVD “Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the DigitalGeneration for Health, Safety and Love.” She is also author ofthe new book, “The Last Word on Parenting Advice.” www.pro-fessionalparenting.ca 403-714-6766 or jarnall@shaw.ca Judy isalso co-founder and president of Attachment Parenting Canadawww.attachmentparenting.ca
behaviours. If she is securely attached to aspecial person, she will be freer to exploreher environment, knowing that she is safeand has a security person nearby to occa-sionally touch base with, when she is feelingvulnerable. This allows her to grow. Sincethe 1950s, studies by John Bowlby andMary Ainsworth have fostered the contin-ued research on attachment and the resultscontinually, consistently, prove the validityof attachment parenting necessary in theparent-child relationship. In the 1980’s, aU.S. physician named William Sears coineda term called “Attachment Parenting” thatrefers to a specific set of behaviours or toolsthat most people associate with “attachment”.
Attachment parenting doesn’t end whenthe child stops breastfeeding, co-sleeping,and being carried. All through a child’sschool and teen years, attachment parentingbeliefs and philosophies help build the im -portant parent-child connection though em -pathic listening, support, mutually set rules,loving discipline, child-led independence,quantity of focused and unfocussed timetogether, and most of all, mutual respect.Research shows that children, who have theirsecurity and dependence needs fulfilled andsupported, grow into emotionally healthyand interdependent adults.
Attachment parenting is very close tomainstream parenting practicesMore and more, attachment parenting is veryclose to today’s mainstream democratic par-enting style that is promoted by most ofCanada’s health organizations. For example,Canada’s national and provincial health or -ganizations have adopted the WHO (WorldHealth Organization) recommendations formothers to breastfeed their children up toage two and beyond. There is no age limiton breastfeeding. Babywearing is extremely
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bcparent.ca • education 2012 19
Momma! Momma, come sing to me,” my four-year-olddaughter called out from her bedroom. I walked into herroom, sat down on the pink bedspread and scooted back
against the headboard. Clad in her pink bunny pajamas, my daugh-ter nestled in against me. She had a bad cold and a cough. Joiningher in bed—I knew—was one way to get her to stay put. I pulledthe blankets up snugly around her.
“Sing, Momma,” she demanded.“Oh, honey, I don’t sing very well,” I said as I caressed her cool
forehead, subtly checking for a fever. “How about you sing to methis time?”
She shook her head and waved around a book of nursery rhymes.“I want you to sing, Momma. I like the way you sing.”
I knew she wanted to hear the rhymes sung, not read to her. So Itook the book and began to sing to her softly. “Jack and Jill went upthe hill…” I began.
As I sang, she closed her eyes. After a bit, she was so still, Ithought she had fallen asleep. Having finished both verses of thesong, I remained still, so as not to wake her. My thoughts took meback to my own childhood.
“Mommy,” I had said to my mother, when I was a little girl.“Sing to me.”
My mother had also replied, “I don’t sing very well. You don’twant to hear me sing.”
But despite her protests, my mother sang me lullabies, nurseryrhymes and nonsense songs. How I had loved hearing her sing.Although my mother told me she that didn’t have a good voice, Ididn’t believe her. In fact, I knew she was wrong. I thought she sanglike an angel. When my mom sang to me, everything in my littleworld was perfect.
The older I grew, the more my mother resisted. Though I don’tremember when, she eventually stopped singing to me altogether. Iwonder now why I didn’t protest when that finally happened.
As I grew into what I thought at the time was a sophisticatedpre-teen, I joined our elementary school choir. It was there that Ideveloped a love of music and singing. During my middle years Icould often be found in my bedroom with a hairbrush microphonein my hand. I imagined myself on a stage, singing to an adoringcrowd. When I was in high school, I continued to sing in a choir.
Reality is often delivered through harsh words, and so it was forme. It happened while I was away from home, during my freshmanyear at college. I was practicing for a talent show with my roommates,Mary and Kim. We were singing around a battered, upright piano.Kim turned to me in the middle of one of the songs and said, “Jan,can you sing a bit softer? You don’t have a very good singing voice.”
I was shocked and hurt. No one had ever mentioned that I didn’tsing well!
Mary quickly came to what I initially thought was my defense.“Kim!” she said. “How can you say that? You can’t criticize someonebecause they have a bad voice!”
A bad voice? I finished our practice session that day singing oh-so-softly, barely able to control my tears. We sang until I was able toslip away unnoticed. Later that week I secretly recorded myselfsinging. When I listened to it—I discovered—to my horror, thatmy roommates were right. I was a lousy singer. My voice grated onmy ears. And from that minute forward, even alone in the car, I sangvery quietly.
The next school break, I returned home. On Sunday I sat besidemy mother in church. Remembering her telling me that she had abad voice, I pretended to sing the first hymn, but listened instead.To my surprise, I found that my angel mother didn’t have a goodsinging voice. It was just as she’d said it was. In fact, her voicesounded like mine.
I realized that day, that my mother had sung to me all thoseyears, not because she could sing well, but because she loved me.
“Momma?” My daughter’s voice brought me back to the pres-ent. She rubbed her eyes and turned the page in her book. Tappinga picture of a large egg dressed in old fashioned clothing, she plead-ed, “Sing this one.”
I nuzzled her hair and gave her a squeeze. “Humpty Dumpty saton a wall—”
She snuggled in closer, her head resting on my chest, and mur-mured, “You’re a good singer, Mama.”
I realized, looking down at my little daughter, for that one briefmoment in time, I too, sang like an angel.
SingingLessons
By Janet J. Johnson
“
Anything you do for your children that they could do forthemselves.
Kids grow up—fast. Sometimes faster than we realize. And beforeyou know it, your child can dress himself, brush her own teeth andget his own snack. The job of a mother isn’t to be a personal assis-tant to your child; a mother’s job is to teach a child to become inde-pendent. That means showing a child how to use a vacuum, thenletting them vacuum the living room. It’s not going to look perfect.It might even get messy. But that’s when you show them how toclean up a spill.
Saying yes, when you really mean no.Guilt, pressure and the fear of disappointing someone are
common reasons why moms allow others to put extra helpings ontheir plates without saying, “No thanks, I’m full.”
Before you say yes, ask yourself these questions:• Am I saying yes because I would feel guilty if I said no?• Is my gut reaction to this request “how can I get out of this?”
• Am I saying yes because I am known as the mom who always says yes?• Am I saying yes because my friends have said yes?• Will this event bring stress to my family life?• When the event is done, will I be most glad that it’s over?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should not sayyes to this request of your time. Remember, saying “no” also appliesto your children. Saying no helps them understand that they can’thave everything they want.
If you’re not sure if you want to say yes or say no, don’t feel pan-icked into a definite answer. Reply with, “Thanks for thinking ofme. I’ll have to check my calendar and get back to you by (giveyourself a deadline).” If the person persists, then say, “If you needanswer right away, I’ll have to pass so you can find someone elsewho is sure they are available.” Live with the decision—yes or no—in your head for the day and make your choice based on how youreally feel.
When you tell a person no, remember that you don’t have to jus-tify your answer. You’re just obligated to give them a polite one.
20 bcparent.ca • education 2012
As moms, we tend to put a lot on our plates. In fact, it’s one of the reasons we often feel overwhelmed.Instead of trying to take one more bite of responsibility, here are five habits every mom should break.
bcparent.ca • education 2012 21
Making excuses for your child.“He didn’t mean it. He just gets so excited sometimes.”
This is the excuse I received when a boy at our weekly playgroupclobbered my son over the head with a Little Tikes golf club. Theboy’s mom then told her three year old, “play nice,” and continuedon with the conversation she was having with another mother.
Seriously?I don’t know if it’s the embarrassment that their child is not per-
fect or sheer laziness, but many parents make excuses instead ofmaking their child take ownership of the action. The good, the badand the ugly: children need to take credit and consequences fortheir actions. This is how we become responsible adults.
Not asking for help.For whatever reason, moms often think they can and
should do it all themselves. The simple fact is—whether the momstays at home or combines work and family—moms need help. Infact, we’re better parents when we get it. You’ve heard the phrase, “Ittakes a village to raise a child.” Today’s ‘village’ expands beyond cityborders. Whether it’s family, friends or an online community,moms need a network where they can find everything from supportto hand-me-downs to advice… as well as a safe place to vent! Thisnetwork—or mom village—is a great way to cope with stress.
Putting yourself last.It’s no coincidence we saved this habit for last. Last is what
moms do best. Instead, we let everyone else go first. We do without.We take the broken one. Enough already!
Moms are often stereotyped as being frazzled and desperate.And sometimes we are. We live in a world where we often spendmore time taxiing kids from one after-school activity to anotherthan we do taking care of ourselves. It’s important for moms to takesome of the focus off of their children and put it back on them-selves.
How do you do this? By taking yourself seriously. You are amother, but you’re also a woman, wife and friend. It’s vital that youtake care of yourself. If you feel good about yourself, you will do abetter job as a parent.
Start by scheduling “me time” in your planner. Whether it’s adaily workout, a few minutes alone with a cup of tea or a monthlyday of shopping or lunch with friends, when you commit to takingtime for yourself you take the first step in reclaiming yourself.
If this seems impossible, refer to number four!
Stephanie Vozza is a freelance writer and lives in Rochester, Michigan with her husband andtwo boys. She struggles most with habit number four.
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~ marketplace ~
O ur oldest child turned 13 in July and is now desperate fora cell phone. Of course all his friends have one: their par-ents understand the need. His dad and I continue the
debate… neither of us really sure of the outcome.As we have this conversation I reflect on the importance of my
cell phone. I wonder how I managed without it. This little piece ofplastic has allowed me to have “hands free” parenting. I can be atthe hair salon and still be available to help my daughter find hersoccer shirt. When not at home I am always “a phone call away.”
I have a sense of security with this ability to be always in touch.No nasty surprises await me. With my phone close, I am alwaysavailable to meet my family’s needs: forgotten homework gets deliv-ered, sick child is picked up. I admit my relationship with thisphone is not always smooth. I have to hold onto it like I did mycurious toddler, for a moment of inattention and it seems to disap-pear. How many times have I dug through my purse, franticallysearching for that missing phone. It hides and I seek.
I have become hooked on this constant companion. It assuresme that should tragedy strike, big or small, my precious childrenknow I am just a call or text away. There are times when I wish Icould really be “not available” but those are only fleeting moments.Phone in hand I go forward in my day.
My son’s friends love their phones. They are constantly textingor reading texts. It has changed their ways of communicating, andit has made it instantaneous. In fact, they, like me, feel compelled toanswer a text/message/call immediately. The return text takes prece-dent over meals, a discussion, a tennis game, you name it. Res -ponding instantly is the new communication. But like a good manyconveniences of modern life, it can become overly important.When using a phone overrides common sense and safety, we are notin control any more.
Using a phone while driving is illegal in BC. We all know howoften this law is broken. I have been guilty myself. Late to pick upmy son from practice, I have grabbed the phone enroute to assurehim that I was moments away. I will answer calls in the car and justify it by cutting them short. Still, on a 6 second phone call, I will cover the length of a football field. A lot can happen in that
distance. A lot more can happen with your head down texting.This was the story about my relationship with my phone. Then
I heard about Connor’s passing. Now I realize what a dangerousweapon this piece of ringing plastic can be. Connor was in a cross-walk when he was hit and killed by a driver who ran a red light. Thedriver was on his phone. Connor died instantly and his family hasbeen left with the shock and grief of losing a child. His death hap-pened on a visit to Portland. There are no laws banning the use ofcell phones while driving in Portland. The driver received a smallfine for being a “distracted driver.”
Even with laws we cannot control drivers’ decisions to eitherdrink and drive, or text and talk on a cell phone, but we can makeour own conscious choices. These choices will influence how ourchildren behave when they are behind the wheel. These choicescould allow a boy like Connor to life a full life.
Please join me in turning off the phone when you turn on thecar. Talk to your kids about the dangers of driving while “distract-ed”, but mostly be a living example of responsible driving. Connor’smother’s wish is that the story of Connor’s passing helps savessomeone else’s life.From Connor’s mother: Because Connor was killed by a “distracteddriver” I know there is a purpose here in his choice of passing, so I amdrawing much needed attention to this issue. If Connor’ s passing canleave a legacy of change, it will be…
If you could LIKE this page, and pass it on to others, I’d dearlyappreciate it: http://www.facebook.com/JusticeforConnorJordon
By Kelly Randell
Distracted Driver
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